Undeniable
by IndependenceIndividuality
Summary: Riddle me this: a werewolf goes on the run with his half-vampire best friend/soul mate. Except said half-vampire has no idea she’s his soul mate and is in love with said werewolf’s beta. How long before he spontaneously combusts? Chapter 64 up!
1. This Cannot Be Happening

**A/N: **Hello everyone and welcome to the first chapter of _Undeniable_, Jake's version of _Hands on Me_!_ HoM_ was the first time I actually seriously wrote in first person, and I've never wrote a guy's 1st person so I'm not sure how this has turned out. I don't know how the chapters will turn out, if they'll end up following _HoM_ exactly or not, I'm playing it by ear. I've got about seven done now, so we'll see how it goes.

To my new readers, you don't have to read _Hands on Me_ to understand this, but I'm sure it would help. Jake's a guy, and not as descriptive. He also curses a lot. I didn't plan him that way, but that's how it's turning out. This will definitely be M, since Jacob is nowhere near as naive as Nessie. I'm trying to make things as realistic as possible and I welcome any advice or constructive criticism.

Please don't expect updates as often as with _Hands on Me_ right away - I want to get some chapters built up before I start posting multiple times a week.

Oh, and I don't know if it's hard to tell, but this chapter takes place after the end of Chapter 1 of _HoM_ after Jake drops Nessie back off at home that afternoon.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Twilight or Jacob and Nessie, no matter how much I wish I did. I don't own any Gym Class Heroes songs either. I do actually own the title of this story though, unlike _Hands on Me_, and I own all the chapter titles so far. We'll see how that works out.

**Dedication: **This chapter is dedicated to all the people who gave such positive feedback to my idea and helped _Undeniable _become a reality. All the new readers too, if there are any. I love all y'all. Yes, I said 'all y'all'.

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This Cannot Be Happening

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_she's got a smile that would make the most senile  
__annoying old man bite his tongue__  
(i'm not done)__  
she's got eyes comparable to sunrise__  
and it doesn't stop there (man, i swear)__  
she's got porcelain skin  
(of course she's a ten)_

_- gym class heroes, cupid's chokehold_

.

"_Experiment with her_?"

This could not fucking be happening.

"Yes."

But apparently, it was.

"Experiment with her _how_?"

Let me set the scene for you.

Characters: Me, Edward, Bells, Doctor Vamp, Momma Vamp, Blondie, Monkey Man, the little pixie, and her mate the undead version of Prozac.

Backdrop: the living room of the big house where this whole mess started.

Scenario: Werewolf has just been told that his best friend, imprint, love of his life is soon to be under attack from an army of vampires who want to kidnap and . . . experiment with her.

Ready, set, scene.

"We're still a little fuzzy on the details." Dr. Vamp was talking this time. Edward looked like his jaw had been wired shut. "We don't know much."

"Well, why don't you tell me what you know, Doc," I spat. I heard the bones in my knuckles crack. "'Cause apparently we're on a pretty short schedule and I need to be caught up."

"Calm down, Jacob."

Yeah, he actually had the nerve to say that to me. Calm down, Jacob. No need to get upset, Jacob. It's just your reason for life, your ray of happiness in the world that an army of undead are plotting to come steal away, Jacob. No big deal. Stop being so overdramatic.

"How about I calm down after you tell me what the hell is going on?"

"They want to see if she's fertile." Edward this time. He had apparently unlocked his jaw. "If she can reproduce. They've got Nahuel but can't find his sisters. And now they want Renesmee."

I was pretty sure I was going to puke.

"And – " I had to stop to swallow the dry lump forming in my throat. "And how exactly are they planning on finding this out?"

"The old fashioned way!" Bella burst out, surprising the hell out everybody. I was no Undead Prozac, but I could feel the hate coming off of her. "How else, Jacob?"

Yeah, I was going to puke.

My Nessie. Disgusting, ice-cold, life-leeching bloodsuckers doing . . . _that_ to my Nessie. There was no way in hell that was even coming close to happening.

"Well, what're we gonna do about it?"

We had to do something. We couldn't just . . . sit and wait for them to come and get her. We had to be prepared. How was everyone standing there so calm – why weren't we running, building, making, _doing _something. Why were we just standing here and talking?

"Alice is trying to see that as we speak," the Doc informed, reaching out to place a cautious hand on my shoulder. I wanted to shove it off – rip it off really, but that could only be counter-productive. I knew he only meant well, but I wasn't feeling very up to dealing with it right now. "We're looking at all our options. Don't worry, Jacob, we're going to make sure Renesmee is safe."

Renesmee. Nessie.

"Where is she?" I asked suddenly, though I already knew the answer since I had just dropped her off. "Is she okay? She – she shouldn't be alone!"

"She's fine for now, Jacob," Esme assured me, taking a hesitant step forward. I still wasn't sure how she managed to look all soft and warm when she was the complete opposite. "You, of course, can go be with her if you want to, or you can stay and plan with us. If you'd rather go be with Renesmee, we can fill you in later."

I was torn. I needed to be fully aware, to know everything there was to know in order to protect. But I also needed Nessie. I _needed_ her. Bad. Like, right now. I needed to see her and touch her and hold her and – damn it.

Nessie won out, every time. I would talk to the vamp clan later.

Edward caught my thought and nodded. At least he got it.

"I'll be back in a couple of hours," I said, more for the benefit of the room than for any real reason since Eddie boy could hear it all. "Just, let me know what all is going on then. I'll do whatever it takes – I'll talk to Sam tonight, but I'm gonna go see Nessie now."

I didn't phase, since I was pretty sure Quil was doing some patrols now and I didn't want to deal with any of that until I was ready. Until I understood it better myself. I jogged a little though, trying to pull my anger back so I would be okay to see Nessie. I pushed away all the sick thoughts of leeches with their hands on her so I wouldn't scream or phase or . . . well, break a tree.

A wave of calm washed over me when I finally jogged up into the small clearing of Edward and Bells' house and I could hear her level heartbeat inside, a little fast like it always was. I didn't really have to, but I could use the extra seconds to get myself together, so I knocked on the door.

"Jake?" Her sweet voice called. She always knew me. A second later the door came open, and there she was. "Did you forget something?"

She left the door open and walked back inside, knowing I would follow. I fell a step or two behind so my eyes could rake over her. She was wearing sweatpants and ratty t-shirt that I'm pretty sure used to belong to Bella, pre-vamp days. She had changed since I dropped her off half an hour ago. Her hair was haphazardly pulled back, curls escaping every now and then in random places. Nothing had ever been more gorgeous.

"Jake?" She asked again, settling back down onto the couch. I took in the books all around her and gathered that she'd been studying. "Are you all right?"

"Sure, sure," I said, maybe a little too quickly, trying to brush it off. I threw myself down next to her, intentionally jostling her books because I knew it bothered her. "Just missed you."

"Missed irritating me," she muttered, tucking a pencil behind her ear and I wanted to kiss her. I had to stop with that. "It's only been half an hour."

"Yeah, well, I got Seth to take over my shift." Shit. Actually, I needed to do that. "I'm going to, anyway. Can I use your phone?"

She nodded to tiny black thing on the coffee table in front of her, and I blessed my long arms when I didn't have to get up to reach it. I started to punch the number, but then realized I didn't know it. I groaned and pushed the end button to erase my mistake.

"Seth's number is in there," she said absently, making a mark on her paper and shuffling it away into another book. "Your shift'll be over by the time you remember it."

I didn't like that. I knew I was being stupid and it was the jealousy of the imprint talking, but I didn't like that she had Seth's number in her phone. What did she need it for? Were they such good buddies that she needed to call him up for a chat every now and then?

Still, I was a little grateful as I scrolled down the S's and saw the number was there. Seth could go run while I sat with Nessie. I pressed call.

See, that was the problem with the imprint. The past year, my feelings for Nessie began changing. I felt like such a pervert at first, since she had the body of a fourteen year old and well, that was illegal in all fifty states. But surprisingly, Edward was the one who made me feel better about it.

"She's physically maturing," he'd said, when my thoughts had erred too far one day last year, lingered on the curve of her neck for a little too long. "So of course you'll notice. But notice too much, dog, and I'll break your neck."

But it's only got worse since then. I didn't dare linger on it anywhere near Edward, but shortly after that conversation, everything burst into full force. I couldn't help it – I mean, just look at her. She was perfection in half-human form – what was I supposed to do with that?

"Jake?" Seth's hesitant voice answered. Satisfaction flooded me at the thought that he automatically assumed it would be me, that he had no reason for Nessie to be calling him. That she had no reason.

"Yeah, man," I said, trying to sound as casual as possible. "Listen, cover my shift for me, all right?"

"Sure. Everything okay?"

"I'll – uh, talk to you tonight."

One thing I liked about Seth, he caught on quick.

"Okay, okay," he said, and I could almost see his head bobbing up and down. "Lemme know if you need anything. Bye."

"Bye."

I hung up the phone to see Nessie watching me casually.

"Ditching work to hang out with me?" She made a faux-stern face and pointed a finger at me. "What a bad Alpha."

"Whatever," I told her, rolling my eyes. I sat up and hung over her shoulder. "What're you doing? Show me."

It was some really complicated math shit that I could care less about and understood even less about, if that was even possible, but I listened for a few minutes anyway.

"Okay, I'm done," I said a few problems later when the most interesting thing I'd seen so far was how she reached up to brush her hair back in between problems. "You're such a nerd, Ness."

"You won't be calling me a nerd when I discover the cure for cancer," she miffed, sticking her nose up in the air a little.

"No, when you discover the cure for cancer, I'll marry you and then kill you so I can inherit the millions you'll undoubtedly make."

She grinned at me and rolled her eyes but my stomach was still a little tight. I think Nessie's cheeks were maybe a little pink too. I can't believe I just said married.

"Are you hungry?"

I nodded, even though for once, I wasn't really. Pictures of red-eyed leeches burst into the front of my mind, their greedy white hands reaching out for my Ness, and I shot them down.

"We have ice cream and chips and I don't know what else," Nessie told me, nodding towards the kitchen. "Hit it up."

The thing is, I really liked to watch Nessie cook. It was right above reading on the list. I think it was a guy thing – but the thought that she was making food for me just really – I just really liked it. I prepared myself to give my best eyelash flutter. Nessie groaned when I delivered it, sagging back against the couch and throwing the humongous book off her lap.

"What do you want?"

I thought about it. I didn't care really. I just wanted to see her move around a little. I was really messed up.

"Macaroni and cheese?"

"Well, that's easy enough," she said, standing up and brushing herself off even though there was nothing to brush. I kept my eyes firmly on her face, since they were fighting me to linger down to where her hands were sweeping her thighs. "I'll see if we've got any. Come on, you're not sitting in here getting comfortable while I'm slaving away in the kitchen for you."

I don't think boiling macaroni and pouring cheese on it actually counted as slaving but I wasn't about to complain. I was coming anyway. The thought that Nessie wanted me with her, for any reason, literally made my day.

I made myself comfortable on one of the barstools against the other side of the kitchen counter while Nessie went to work. She paused to redo her hair, taking it down and gathering it back up and securing it and I watched with more interest than was necessary. I wanted to touch her so bad.

I sat back quietly while Nessie padded around the kitchen, pulling out two family size boxes of mac and cheese and setting a huge pot to boil. There was nothing to do then but wait, so she came and leaned against the counter across from me.

"Are you thirsty?"

"What do you have?"

"Um . . . not much. I made iced tea this morning."

"I'll tell you if it's any good."

She smirked at me and went to the refrigerator and pulled the nearly-full gallon out, then went and pulled my cup from the cabinet. I call it my cup because it was the biggest one they had in the house and was only ever used when I came. She poured me a glass and offered it out.

I already knew it would be good, but the first swallow was always best. I'm sure I was a little biased and the reason it tasted so good to me was because Nessie made it but Nessie, she liked the sugar. The tea was nothing if not sweet.

It was good, but I made myself wince. "Could you put a little tea in with your sugar next time?"

And then, as I knew she would, she returned, "If you don't like it, don't drink it. Stay thirsty."

"I'm just messing with you, Ness." I reached out and nudged her arm, mostly for an excuse to touch her. Her skin was so smooth and closest thing to warm I ever felt nowadays. "What're you doing for the rest of the day?"

"Well, you had patrol, so I was planning on studying some and then cleaning a little," she told me, popping up onto her tiptoes to check the water that was steadfastly not-boiling a few feet away. She was so short. "Mom's gonna get me if my room's not clean by the time she gets back, but that won't take long. But now that you're here I guess the day will be measurably more interesting."

"Aw, Ness," I said, acting like I was putting on but I wasn't. I really was that happy she wanted me around. "I make your life interesting."

"You, the stupid things you do, etcetera," Nessie said, but she grinned. "Also, the fact you can reach the really high stuff helps."

"Good to know I'm useful for something."

Just then the water began to boil and Nessie rushed over and tore the two boxes of macaroni open and poured them in. When she came back, she gave me a slow sort of smile that made my knees go weak.

"You want some?" I asked her, holding out my huge glass and she nodded. It annoyed the hell out of Blondie when Ness drank after me, but that was only one of the perks. I just loved how she didn't care – not that it was a big deal, but you didn't just drink after anybody. Girls didn't, at least.

She took the glass from me, in both hands since hers were so small, and brought it to her lips. I tried not to watch how her lips pressed against the glass, how her throat moved as she swallowed, but I did anyway from the corner of my eye. She pushed the glass back across to me when she was done.

"What do you want to do?"

I just want to make sure you're okay from psycho vamps, I wanted to say. I just want to protect you from everything. I just want to press you up against the kitchen counter and kiss you until you can't breathe. I just want to marry you and spend the rest of my life taking care of you.

"I don't care," I told her instead, shrugging. "I just wanted to hang out. Do whatever you were planning on. I can help you clean your room if you want."

"Like you know how to clean," she snorted, but was making her way back to her bedroom anyway. "Come sit with me and watch, at least."

I did, bringing my glass with me and drinking from it as we went. I wanted to twist the glass around and drink from the same place Nessie had, but I forced myself not to. That was just a little too old-guy-watching-young-neighbor-through-the-window-and-going-through-her-trash for my taste.

I set it down on her dresser and threw myself onto Nessie's bed, which was bigger than mine despite the fact that she was half my size. Her room wasn't really what I consider messy, but Billy said what I considered clean would be reason enough for some people to call child welfare services so maybe I wasn't a good judge.

"Get up so I can make the bed," Nessie instructed and I groaned melodramatically. She always did that. Waited until I laid down on the bed and then told me to get up. I told her as much. "I enjoy watching you suffer. Now get up."

I, of course, obeyed her. And in her defense, she made the bed quickly. She patted the light green and purple comforter when she was done. "You can come lay down now, Jakey."

I threw myself harder onto the bed than before, since I knew the frame could handle it, intentionally messing up the covers. I would straighten them when I got up. Nessie shot me a look.

She began bustling around the room, gathering dirty clothes and throwing them in a wicker basket in the corner of the room. I noticed she made a bit of an effort to conceal something in the clothes and my stomach kind of clenched when I realized it was probably underwear. As a rule, I generally tried not to think of Nessie's underwear, since it led to me thinking about Nessie _in_ her underwear, and then Nessie _out_ of her underwear and – well, that was just wrong.

I mean, her literal age aside, she was physically only about sixteen. I knew she wasn't going to grow anymore, so that excuse really didn't make much sense, but it still felt wrong in my head. And yet so right.

Damn it.

I never made a conscious decision _not_ to tell her about imprinting, but it never came up and then it wasn't the right time and then it was just easier not to and now here we were. And now, I actually had a valid excuse when I didn't want one.

She needed to choose. I knew Nessie loved me – I was her best friend – but if I told her now, she would probably feel . . . pressured. That's the last thing I would ever want, for her to feel like she _had_ to be with me. That would be almost worst than not having her at all.

I guess my mistake had been in always assuming she'd fall for me eventually. I know it sounded cocky, but it wasn't like that. There had just never been a case of it . . . not happening. You imprinted, you lived happily ever after.

And I tried not to think about it much, but now that Nessie's rapid growth has stopped, she'll be able to go out more often and make more lasting friendships with people not of the supernatural variety. What if . . . fuck, what if she met some guy and wanted him? I can't stand in the way of anything she wants, but it would literally kill me to have to watch her with somebody else.

Besides, how do you even say something like that?

Hey, Nessie? You know how I just kind of randomly started hanging out with you from birth even though you were an infant and I was a seventeen year old boy? Yeah, and now we're best friends and tell each other everything, right? Except I kind of forgot one thing: it was because I did this freak werewolf thing on you called imprinting and now I can't live without you. Oh, and also, now that you've hit puberty I can barely control my insane wolf hormones around you and I want to marry you and live the rest of forever happily ever after with you. Is that cool? How about them Mets, huh?

I mean, come on.

"You're being suspiciously quiet," Nessie said, shaking me out of my thoughts. She was putting books back on her huge bookshelf now. "What's everybody doing up at the big house? You stopped by there, right?"

Oh, shit. Psycho vamps. I'd almost forgot.

"Just doing regular vampy stuff, I guess," I lied, avoiding her eyes since I knew she'd be able to tell if she looked. "Bella and Edward were being gross on the loveseat."

That sounded normal, right?

"Ugh."

"G-rated grossness, but still."

"Glad you dropped me off first then," Nessie said back, and she had to stretch to place a book a little higher on the shelf. I tried not to look, but I did anyway. And then, "Glad you came back too, even if you had to ditch work."

We always said stuff like this, but for the past year whenever Nessie mentioned something like this, any expression of loving me or spending time with me, my desire to claim her only intensified. The other guys had it so easy compared with this – it wasn't fair. But then again, none of them had a girl as awesome as my Nessie.

"Yeah, well, who else was going to make sure you cleaned your room right?"

"I appreciate your concern," she deadpanned. "Does it meet your standards now?"

I pretended to examine the room. "Well . . . after you vacuum."

She shook her head at me pityingly. "What does _your_ room look like, Jake?"

"Spotless." My grin was wide enough that she knew I was lying. "Much better than this."

"Whatever," Nessie said, rolling her eyes at me again. "I'm gonna vacuum, then go check your macaroni and cheese. _Then_ I'm sitting down because there's a documentary coming on the Discovery Channel that I really want to see."

"Don't tell me," I said, sitting up and taking another long drink of tea. "Something fascinating about bees and their chemical make-up."

Nessie's cheeks went a little pink and I took a second to enjoy the sight.

"No."

"What, then?" I asked as she pulled the vacuum from her closet and plugged it in. "Killer whale mating calls?"

"No," she said again, avoiding my eyes. Then just before she switched the vacuum on, drowning out everything else, "It's about wolves."

Damn, Nessie. What am I gonna do with you?

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So . . . what do you think? **Coming up**'s like those found in _HoM_ will start in the next chapter. I just wanted to get everyone's feedback for now. Thank you so much for reading and I really hope you review.


	2. One Sick Puppy

**A/N: **All right guys, here's chapter two. I've got about eleven done now - I'm working through the Wal-Mart experience today. I'd really like y'all's feedback about what you would and wouldn't like to see from _Hands on Me_. I can't promise I'll comply, but it'll definitely help.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any Fall Out Boy songs, or Twilight. I know - I'm getting boring with the disclaimers. I'm sorry. Oh, but I do own the chapter title, which I think is cute but probably isn't.

**Dedication: **I meant to do this in the last chapter, but I forgot so I'm doing it now. This chapter is dedicated to anyone who's ever drank sweet tea and knows it's called _sweet tea_ and not _iced tea_. I love y'all Southerners. I seriously had to go back over the last chapter and correct where I'd typed _sweet tea_ so many times 'cause I was afraid no one would understand.

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One Sick Puppy

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_i'm a loose bolt of a complete machine._

_- fall out boy, disloyal order of water buffaloes_

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"Jacob!"

I struggled – no, I fought – against the binds holding me but I couldn't break them. I just couldn't. What the hell were they made of? Iron? I was a fucking werewolf, for Christ's sake.

And there was that goddamn fucking snake, walking towards her. I fought harder than ever, but I was frozen. I'd only seen him once before, seven years ago, but I'd know him anywhere. The red eyes and white skin and black-black hair - he was my worst fucking nightmare.

And he had Nessie.

No, that was my worst fucking nightmare.

"Jacob!"

Damn it – she was calling for me and I couldn't get to her. I _couldn't _get to her.

He floated over to her and snatched her struggling body up into his arms and I swear to God, I fought harder than I ever had but made no progress. A vicious snarl ripped from my throat but he didn't so much as look back. Nessie fought against him, writhing and twisting in his arms but she was only half-vampire and no match for him. He bound her arms to her sides in one of his own, rendering her immobile.

I wanted to cry - I wanted to scream. What use was I? What was the entire point of me even being alive if I couldn't protect her from this?

"Jacob, please!" She shouted, a hand breaking free momentarily to reach back for me. "Please help me!"

She was shouting for me, calling for me, begging me and there wasn't a thing I could do about it. I continued to snarl but when I tried to open my mouth to call back to her I realized I couldn't – I couldn't even comfort her that way. I wanted to die.

No, I wanted to kill.

The leech leaned down until his stone lips brushed Nessie's cheek. She screwed her face up tight and writhed even harder in his arms but there was no hope. His hands held onto her body too tightly to just be containing her. The bastard was enjoying it. I didn't want to know what was coming next.

He slid his face along hers and whispered something that I couldn't hear into her ear – why couldn't I hear? – and she started to cry. God, she was crying.

I felt bones break as I continued to try and force myself out of my restraints, but I hardly cared. Hate and love beat equally inside my head and chest, so fast and hard I wasn't sure which was stronger.

I found out which when the leech started to walk away with her, drag her off into the darkness, past where I could see. She called out for me one more time, her voice more frantic than before, and my heart ripped out.

There was a sound of material ripping, and then from somewhere in the darkness, Nessie screamed.

I awoke to a cracking sound and realized I had bitten a fallen tree branch that I had laid my head against to sleep straight in half. I flicked my tongue to get the wooden debris out and heaved myself up into a standing position on all fours.

I was still shaking. I knew intellectually that Nessie was fine, that she was safe and asleep in her bedroom a couple of hundred feet from me, but it took me a minute to believe it. I didn't sense anyone else inside my head and I was glad. I didn't need to be dealing with that shit right now.

I needed a good fight. I needed to tear teeth into that bastard Aro and rip him apart for even thinking about doing was he was planning. I needed to piece him back together a few times before I finally burned him.

But damn it, worse than any of that, I needed my girl.

I phased back and pulled on my t-shirt and jeans from the night before. I had actually taken the time to fold them and set them somewhere out of the way, so they weren't in too bad of shape. Just kind of smelled like outside. I raked my fingers through my hair a few times, trying to comb it out. Like Nessie cared.

Nessie.

It was still a little early, I should probably let her sleep, but I wasn't that selfless. I needed her and I needed her now. I needed to see her and touch her and talk to her for awhile to assure myself that she was all right and safe and not in the hands of any demon rapist leeches.

It was harder to keep from picking her up earlier and earlier these days, ever since we found out about . . . that. I didn't even want to think about it. I slept outside Nessie's house from time to time, nights when it seemed especially hard to go home and be so far away from her, but lately I've been doing it every night.

Edward and Bella have been spending their nights at the big house, planning for their daughter's safety instead of doing the nasty for once. I probably should be there with them, but I can't stand the thought of Nessie sleeping in the house alone. Especially not now. I don't care what the little pixie vamp says.

The door was of course open, since nothing that could hurt this family would even be slowed down by a locked door. I heard Nessie's heartbeat as I stepped quietly through the door, a little slower than usual. She was still asleep.

Her scent hit me like a brick wall when I stepped into her room. It was so sweet – and _strong_ after a night without her. I don't know how I did it every night, honestly.

She was lying on her bed with her covers twisted all around her and I just wanted to crawl in beside her but I couldn't. That definitely wasn't appropriate anymore, what with my – issues. Her gorgeous hair was all spread out around her, splayed against her pillow and one leg was kicked out from under the covers.

Her pajamas pants were loose and had obviously rode up during the night, because now several inches of pale white thigh was exposed to my eyes. My hungry, wolf eyes.

I took a few steps closer, trying to pay attention to the peaceful look on her face instead. That just wasn't as perverted. She looked so calm. Her breathing was weird, though. Too fast to be asleep. Was she faking?

"Jac-ob."

What?

Did she just . . . say my name? My name? In her sleep?

Was – was she dreaming about me?

I rushed the last two steps to the edge of her bed and gazed down at her. She fidgeted a little, restless even in her sleep. I was so, so tempted to touch her palms – I'd be able to see everything, but I couldn't. It was wrong, an invasion of privacy.

She'd tell me if I asked. She was my Ness.

"Nessie," I said softly, since I had to say something back. "Wake up, honey."

"Jay-kob."

Yeah, that was definitely my name. She was dreaming about me.

"Nessie," I said, a little louder this time. She turned, twisting towards my voice in her sleep and a palm reached out towards me, open. It was almost an invitation. Damn it, I couldn't. Morals sucked. "Nessie!"

Her eyes flew open and I must have not seen her for awhile, it must have been longer than last night since I'd seen those eyes because there was no way I should have been as shocked as I was at how gorgeous they were. About the time I got over the shock, her beautiful brown eyes widened and she nearly flew back on the bed away from me.

She turned her hands over and gripped at the sheets. Her heartbeat was seriously freaking out.

"J-Jacob?"

Yeah, honey, who else?

Those brown eyes were skating all over me now, coming to a stuttering halt at my face. She looked like she was trying to figure something out.

"Nessie, are you all right?"

I went to sit next to her at the edge of the bed and she shifted away from me, scooting a little further back. I flinched. Wow – that stung. What the hell was up?

Nessie was holding herself tight. Too tight to have just woke up – did she have a nightmare? About me? A nightmare about me?

My instincts rose up in me, pushing me to reach out. I'd been trying to tone down the touching lately because of . . . well, my situation, but I couldn't cut it off completely. There were times when I just _had_ to feel her. Like now.

I reached out and rubbed the back of her neck gently. She shot her eyes down to her legs and didn't look back up. She wouldn't look at me.

"Renesmee," I said, surprising myself when I heard the Alpha in my voice. I never used it with her. I never called her by her full name either. "Look at me."

Her eyes flew up immediately. My stomach clenched as she obeyed me.

Oh, that was new.

"Are you _okay_?"

Nessie kept her eyes on my face but didn't answer me. I wasn't even sure she heard me. Then she jumped like she'd been shocked. I dropped my hand.

Did she . . . not want me touching her?

"Where's my Dad?"

Edward? What did he have to do with any of this? Did she not want to be alone with me either? Shit, my stomach was starting to hurt.

"Nessie – are you okay?"

That was the question yet to be answered.

She gave me a half-assed kind of smile, but then gave it up and just nodded. Seriously, what was up?

"Yes, Jacob. Do you know where my dad is?"

What the fuck kind of response is that? She's mumbling my name in her sleep but when I wake her up she freaks out and goes flying back on the bed and her heart's tripping out all over the place and she tells me she's fine and expects me to believe it?

"He's still hunting." I hated lying to her. "Him, Bella, and Emmett will be back this afternoon - they went pretty far out. Emmett said he was hunkering for some grizzly."

I made myself roll my eyes. Maybe if I acted normal she would too. Maybe she wouldn't freak out every time I touched her. Maybe –

Oh, there was that smile. Shy, a little smaller than I liked, but there it was. Maybe there was hope.

"Are you _sure_ that you're all right?" I asked her as I stood up.

But still. I had to make sure she was okay. I – it was my job, my reason for life. To make sure she was more than okay.

"Yes, Jake." She was trying to sound like she was mad but it didn't work. I knew her too good. "I just had a bad dream and you freaked me out – _God_."

I could help but smile. No, it was a grin. Nessie was back to normal. Almost, at least. I hope this wasn't some weird phase thing. Or some weird not-phase thing.

"Sure, sure."

Yeah, fuck the no-touching rule. I needed to touch her, so I reached down and snatched her up to her feet. I probably shouldn't have, but well, I didn't really care. I rationalized it to myself because she hugged me back, her tiny hands burning marks into my back. Good marks, though. Ones I'd wear proudly.

She felt so good against me. Her scent almost made my head spin, her skin was so soft against mine. The ends of her curls fell over my arm and I seriously could have held her there forever.

"Don't scare me like that again," I said into her ear before I could talk myself out of it.

"Sorry," Nessie mumbled as I let her go. Reluctantly. I wasn't done feeling her yet though so I held my hand out to help her off the bed. Of course she didn't need it, but well. Since when was I rational when it came to her? "What, I had a bad dream so I'm useless now?"

She jumped down lightly on her own and stuck her tongue out at me. I returned the favor, forcing my eyes not to linger. Nessie kind of skipped her way ahead of me and towards the kitchen.

"Breakfast?" I asked.

"I'm not hungry," she said back.

"You really should eat something," I told her just as my stomach growled.

Damn it. Caught out.

I threw myself down on the barstool as Nessie leaned across the counter in front of me.

"Translation: Nessie can you cook for me please, because I'm hungry and don't want to sound rude?"

Not exactly.

Translation: Nessie can you cook for me please so I can pretend things are normal and you're not getting sick of me?

Translation: Nessie can you cook for me please so I can watch you move around a little and take in a little of the perverse pleasure I get from that?

Translation: Nessie can you cook for me please to kill some time before we have to go up to the big house and I have to share you with everybody else?

But of course I wasn't going to tell her that.

"Since when do I care about sounding rude?" I said instead. She made a face that said I had a point. Time to lay it on thick. "And I know that because you're such a kind, sweet, considerate girl and you love me _so _much – "

She made a face that was meant to say that she doubted that. It didn't bother me half as much as her pulling away from me earlier did. I knew she was only playing. She had already started cooking.

" – you wouldn't _dare _leave your _best_ _friend _so _hungry_ while you stuffed your face."

She threw an eggshell at me that I of course caught. I may be in awe of her beauty but I was still a werewolf with super awesome reflexes. Besides, she didn't exactly know about the 'in awe of her beauty' part.

Then Nessie reached down to scratch her ankle between eggs, and well, the sight was nice. Too nice. I tried to look away but I couldn't. God, she had a nice body.

She stood back up then and I was able to focus on other things. Like the eggshell in my hand that I had crushed to powder.

Ah, well. Black family rule number twelve: When a mistake is made, act like you did it on purpose.

"Look, Ness," I said, and sprinkled the powder onto the countertop.

"Was that the egg shell?"

"Yep."

"Here," she told me, handing me the carton full of eggshells. "Do the rest while I cook."

I took my time doing the rest, watching Nessie from the corner of my eye. She wasn't doing anything particularly sensual, just stirring eggs around, but my eyes were still glued to her. I got another idea to mess with her as she poured the hot eggs into a huge mixing bowl. I swept the powder into my hand and acted like I was heading to the garbage as she went to put the stuff on the counter.

I got right behind her, stooping down so we were kinda level and called her name. I told myself I would wait three seconds, thinking it wouldn't even be an option. She'd catch on right away and blow it back in my face and then get all proud and huffy and cute for half an hour.

But she didn't. She just stared at me. I don't know if it was delayed reaction or what, but then her seconds were up and I blew. I expected she'd at least be ready for that, would dodge or push or hold her breath at least but she didn't.

She inhaled, taking the stuff straight into her lungs. Then she started coughing. I kind of panicked for half a second, but then got myself together and pounded her on the back. It didn't do any good so I ran to the sink and filled a glass of water, holding it to her lips.

Nessie drank a little and it helped. She quit coughing and her breathing went back normal. Her wide brown eyes looked up at me then and her cheeks were pink. She was embarrassed.

"Damn, Nessie," I said, for lack of anything else. "I thought for sure that wasn't going to work. I gave you like two seconds of reaction time, so I reckoned you'd end up blowing it back in my face."

"Sorry," she actually said.

"Sure, sure. It's entirely your fault that I blew eggshell in your face and you nearly choked to death. You should be ashamed of yourself." I knocked her shoulder lightly, feeling like an idiot. I didn't want to embarrass her any worse though. "Now, are you all right? Let's eat."

We sat down and for somebody who said she wasn't hungry, Ness was eating like no tomorrow. I ate some too, but mostly kind of watched her. I wanted to figure what happened this morning out. What kind of dream was she having about me? Why did it make her freak out so bad?

She looked up after about seven werewolf bites

"What?" she asked, rubbing at her face.

She'd caught me staring. Damn it.

Black family rule number fifteen: Never get caught.

Followed directly by Black family rule number sixteen: When inevitably caught, change the subject or shift the blame.

"It's just . . . what was your dream about? Your nightmare, I mean."

Jake, you are one smooth operator. I wanted to smack myself in the face, but that would definitely shift the attention even more back to me.

Her heartbeat kind of picked up. She was nervous. Why?

"W-why do you ask?"

Stuttering. Yeah, she was nervous.

My turn.

"No reason, really, it's just . . . it didn't look like a nightmare." Good reason, Jake. Good reason. "You looked really peaceful. I mean, your breathing was weird, but you looked fine and you said – "

"What did I say?"

"'Jacob'. You said my name. So it was weird – I mean, not that you said my name," I told her quickly. I didn't want her to be embarrassed about that. About – dreaming about me. "But just that you looked fine and then I woke you up and you freaked out and started talking about nightmares and your dad and –"

Okay, I was done. Smooth operators generally didn't end their sentences with conjunctions, but I'm breaking all the rules. That's Black family rule number four.

"I had a dream we were lost," Nessie explained, but she kind of avoided my eyes. "Me and you and Dad had went hunting and we lost you, and then Dad went to find you and I was alone. So I was walking around calling for you. So that's probably why I said Jacob."

That made sense. I guess. I still kind of got the sense Ness was lying to me, but she never had before, not over something important. I trusted her.

"Oh. Okay, I guess."

Nessie stood up and did the leg brushing thing again. She picked up our dish and walked to the sink.

"I mean," she said, smiling brightly at me. "You're my best friend! What would I do if I lost you?"

I couldn't help but smile at that, but I knew a rule number sixteen when I saw it. I decided not to care. I was Nessie's best friend and she loved me and she wanted me and that was enough for now.

"But I'm not through with that," I told her, reaching across the counter and plucking the bowl from her hands.

"Well, you finish with that, then, and I'll go take a shower. Then we can head up to the big house, okay?"

"Mmph'n'grgle."

Nessie laughed and ran down the hall.

To the shower. To take one.

Naked.

Damn it. And I was supposed to just sit here and eat my eggs like a good little puppy and not lose it.

I heard the water cut on and I shoved the bowl away from me. I pinched the bridge of my nose, the fact that I probably looked a lot like Edward only one of the things I was trying not to think about.

The other was Nessie. In the shower. Her long, gorgeous hair soaking wet and pouring down her back. It would be darker than usual from the water, I'm sure. I'd seen it before. In very different circumstances, of course.

And her skin, all white and soft. Going on forever and ever with nothing covering it, no clothes at all. Just water.

What I wouldn't give to see it. What I wouldn't give for her to _want_ me to see it.

And fuck it all, that was _wrong_.

Nessie trusted me. Like her best friend, like her – I hate to say it – brother. Whose brother sat around thinking about that? Only really, really sick ones.

I didn't think about specifics, though. That was my saving grace, how I rationalized it in my head. Even as I sat here with my jeans getting tighter and tighter and thinking about Nessie in the shower, I wasn't _imagining_ Nessie in the shower.

I only worked with what I knew. I only lingered on thoughts of things I'd seen. And I hadn't seen much.

Like that make me less perverted. Blondie would call me one sick puppy if she knew. Thank God _and_ the devil that she didn't.

Sitting there listening to the water run wasn't helping my situation, so I got up and walked into Nessie's room. I kinda jogged past the bathroom. I never went in Bella and Edward's room, even though I don't think they'd mind – I was always kind scared about what I might find in there.

Nessie's room never really held any surprises. It was comforting to be around her stuff and her scent though, so I hung around here a lot. I liked being nosy and digging through her stuff too, and she never really minded even though sometimes she pretended she did.

I mean, not like smelling-her-underwear-and-checking-her-call-history nosy, just like checking out her homework notes and making new playlists on her mp3 player and stuff. I think what I liked most about it was that she didn't care, that she didn't have any secrets from me to worry if I went plundering through her drawers or opening documents on her laptop.

Speaking of mp3 players, I picked Nessie's up and began scrolling through it.

She, of course, repaid me in kind every time she visited my house.

Jake, why do you have five empty deodorant cans in your bathroom? Are you planning to build a statue? I think there's something growing under your bed, Jacob, it just tried to bite me. Seriously. Are you making penicillin in the closet? Oh. Then – ew. Aw, did you miss Embry? Poor thing – you called him eight times yesterday. Separation anxiety? You only called me twice. I'm jealous.

You have no reason to be, Ness. Trust me.

A squeaking noise drew me back into the present, and I heard light footsteps heading back down the hall.

"Nessie?"

"Um . . . yeah, Jake, I'm in the bathroom!" She called back. "Can you go back to the living room so I can go in and get dressed?"

Dressed. Do you have to?

No. Bad Jake.

"Oh, yeah! Sorry!"

I walked quickly back down the hall and kept my eyes firmly on Nessie's mp3 player so they wouldn't stray. To keep my thoughts from straying to Nessie's bedroom where she was probably in some form of undress, I mixed a few of the tolerable songs she had in her mp3 into one playlist and named it Wolf Music because it was stupid and didn't make any sense but would remind Nessie of me.

God, I was corny.

Nessie came out covered neck to toe and still looking more gorgeous than anything I'd ever seen. Because damn it, she was wearing my _shirt_. That's where it had went.

It was an old sweatshirt, a favorite of mine from back before I had my wolf-spurt and started going through clothes like Q-tips. I wore it all the time and Billy actually stole it from me once and hid it since he claimed he was sick of seeing it. He wouldn't say that if he saw it now, but I tried not to think about that. I'd found it behind the dryer about six months ago and then it had mysteriously disappeared.

It was big on her, but not like one of my shirts now would be. She had cut holes in the cuffs to slide her thumbs through and her hair was pulled back off her face and _she was wearing my clothes._

And that was, just, well. Hot.

It was going to be a long day.

* * *

**Coming up:**

Like, for instance, sex drive. Didn't have one for about six years. Didn't bother me. Probably the only guy in the world besides Quil who could say that, but that's how it was. Ness was a kid - I couldn't see her that way, and I definitely couldn't see anyone else that way so it was just nonexistent.

Now . . . not so much.

The first time . . . little Jake reappeared after his long absence, I, like a douche, didn't even realize at first.


	3. Little Jake

**A/N:** Okay, so I like this chapter. Let's see if y'all agree. A lot of people from _HoM_ were shocked when it turned out Jake thought Nessie loved Seth, but I had been dropping hints all along. It'd all been planned out since the beginning, so now I think you'll get to see the extent of Jake's side of things. On everything.

Also, someone nominated _Hands on Me _for the Best Romance award at The Sparkle Awards. Voting hasn't started yet - I'll alert everyone with an extra chapter and note when it does - but please if you think _HoM_ is worth the honor, take the time to go vote.

And yes, I know how lame I am for using the term 'Little Jake'. I don't care. I couldn't come up with anything else I liked more.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own _Believer_ by _Smash Mouth_, just the sense to see how it fits here. Or Twilight. Or Jacob. *sniff* I do own the chapter title, though, which is completely unoriginal but that's all right I guess.

**Dedication: **To whoever nominated me for The Sparkle Awards. And to **MoonstruckManda** and **Shorty6692** for their awesome reviews. It's the first time I've been called epic.

* * *

Little Jake

* * *

_i'm in love__  
i'm a believer  
i couldn't leave her if i tried_

_- smash mouth, believer_

-

"Seth - what are you doing here?"

Yeah, Seth. What the fuck are you doing here?

Okay, so that wasn't exactly fair. Since he was kind of helping me save Nessie's life. Still, she didn't know that. There was no need for her to be so happy about him being here.

And there was definitely no need for her to jump into his arms like that.

And there was absolutely no need for him to hold her so tight, spin her around like that. There was no need for him to be fucking touching her at all.

I took my hand off Momma Vamp's table since I'm sure it was pretty expensive and I liked her a little and didn't want to break it. I forced myself to reel my jealousy in, telling myself it was only the over-protectiveness of the imprint.

But seriously, his hands didn't need to be on her waist. That was just too close. That wasn't a friend hug.

And it wasn't just jealousy either. That shit kinda hurt.

Seth, you got about three seconds to get your hands off my girl before you lose them.

He set her down then, which was good, since it wouldn't look too great if I maimed my beta. She turned back to me, all bright and smiley and my stomach hurt both ways. The good way and the bad one.

"Hey, man," Seth said, acting like he just wasn't all over my imprint. He knew the deal. He knew how it was. And why the fuck was he grinning so big? "Can I talk to you for a minute? I tried to get you but you had your phone off."

And then I looked. I really looked.

I'd seen that look before. In the mirror.

I had this really selfish moment where I experienced this huge surge of relief, followed quickly by anxiety. I did not need to be getting anywhere near this subject with Nessie around.

"Sure, sure," I told him quickly, turning back to Nessie. Panic was overwhelming jealousy and even hurt right now. Please God let Seth keep his mouth shut until I could get him alone. "I'll be back in a minute, all right, Nessie?"

"Yeah, sure," she said, but then she cocked her head and got this concerned look. "Is everything okay?"

"Everything's _great_," Seth interrupted and I really wanted to punch him in the gut. Shut _up_, Seth.

"It's just pack stuff," I told her, which wasn't a lie. I nodded Seth in the direction I wanted him to walk and he went ahead of me. Thank God. "It'll only be a second, and then we can go if you want to."

Nessie didn't seem to think any thing was up – thank my lucky stars for that piece of luck. I walked a good hundred yards past where I knew she wouldn't be able to hear just in case.

"Congrats, man," I said once I was sure we were out of half-vampire hearing range.

"H-how did you know?"

"It's all over your face," I told him, managing to smile a little. I knew how good it felt. "Who is she?"

"She's the most amazing thing ever!" He burst out. I controlled the little burst of defensiveness – Nessie was the best thing ever – because I knew how the imprint was. God, did I know. "She's eighteen and she lives on the Makah rez with her mom and step-dad. And she's not Native."

That threw me. The only imprint I'd ever heard of not being Native was . . . well, mine.

"That's really great, Seth . . . did it just happen today?"

"This morning," he said, still in his imprint-induced daze. "I – I almost freaked out and – but I didn't, and I asked her . . . out. And she said yes!"

"So no . . . complications?"

We all knew what that meant. Sam/Leah-like complications.

"I – I don't think so," he told me, shaking his head that way only Seth could. "But I'm not really sure. I can't even concentrate on anything but her. I . . . actually came to ask if I could have about a week off. To adjust to everything."

A week off, Seth? Now?

"Can we do four days?"

Seth looked like he remembered something. Way to catch up, man. "Oh yeah, Jake, four is fine. I completely forgot – I'm so sorry, I just – "

"Don't worry about it," I said, since I didn't want to be talking about that right now. The little pixie said this morning that she thought she was close to figuring something out. "I know how it is."

"I thought I did too!" Wow – I didn't do this much exclaiming and gesturing when I imprinted, did I? "I – I saw it through all of your thoughts so I thought I knew, but I had no idea. I want to marry her. I just met her this morning and I don't know her middle name and I want to marry her."

"Take it easy with all that, Seth," I warned him, trying to balance the tone between best friend and Alpha. "You might scare her. You have to take it slow. And you don't – want to tell her about everything straight away."

"I know, I know," he said, bobbing his head up and down but I wasn't sure that he did. I wasn't sure that he even heard me. "Do I have to ask first?"

Man, I didn't want to be that guy. The one who made rules and regulations for everything, but shit, this was important.

"No, but only if you're really sure, Seth," I told him seriously. He did the bob-nod again. "You have to remember your pack. I'm not going to command you, but I'm telling you now, as brothers, remember your pack."

"Yeah, yeah." Yeah, I don't think he heard me. "I will, Jake. Call me if you need anything and I'll probably run into you before then, but if not then I'll see you at the wedding. Tell Nessie I said bye."

He had already started jogging away from me when he stopped. He turned around to look at me as if he just realized something.

"How – how's that working out for you, Jake?" He asked me, and my stomach seriously plummeted. I did not want to have this conversation. "Is she - ?"

"No," I told him, cutting him off with a firm shake of my head. "It's not like that."

Seth reached back and rubbed the back of his neck while he looked like he was trying to think of something to say. I hoped he didn't try to hug me.

"But it is for you?"

I did not want to talk about this.

"Of course it is."

"Is it . . . really hard?"

"Yes."

"How do you do it?"

Oh yeah, that's right. My situation suddenly took on a new reality for Seth. A new, very possible reality.

"Wouldn't you?" I settled for an old rule number sixteen. "If you had no choice?"

I, of course, already knew the answer.

The little pixie about knocked me down as she came barreling towards as I walked into the house. I almost threw my arms out to catch her but then I remembered she was a full vampire, not half like Ness and had much better reflexes.

"The wedding," she breathed, and my heart stopped.

"What?"

"The wedding," she said again, just as helpfully as before. I listened for Nessie's heartbeat and located it somewhere upstairs. "She's studying with Carlisle, Jacob, she's fine. Listen – the wedding. That's when they'll send him, the tracker. You – you're going to have to run with her."

"There – that's the only option?"

I looked around to see Bella and Edward standing behind her, looking . . . I don't even have words to explain it. Alice screwed her eyes shut really tight and exhaled heavily for a second.

"Nothing else works. I keep changing my mind, taking into account all plans and it's the only thing that ever changes anything. It's the only thing that ever works."

"How can you tell?"

"She's blurry for me," Alice explained, stating the obvious. "Normally. And I can't see her at all when she's with you, which is most of the time. With any other plan – any other one – she flickers into sight and the tracker blurs out. Tell me why, Jacob?"

"They get her," Bella said then. Her voice was barely a whisper but it cut through the room. "We don't know how or where or what or when, but with any other plan they get her. It's the only way."

Edward took a step towards me. "Will – will you do it, Jacob?"

What the fuck kind of question was that? What did he expect me to say? No, actually, I'm busy that day. Can you find someone else? Like I was even going to contemplate anyone but me running with her

"Of course I'll _do_ it," I almost-spat at him. "I am doing it. You couldn't stop me if you wanted to."

"Okay," Alice said, her gaze on us but not really on us. She was still trying to see things. "Yeah, that's good. Better. I still can't see, but in this case that's the best we can hope for. We'll start getting things ready."

You do that. Just tell me what I need to know and where I need to be and give me Nessie and we'll be just fine. Nothing will ever hurt her with me.

"So . . . how does this work?" I asked, remembering to keep my voice low on account of Nessie. "We just run and . . . and what?"

"We'll chase him," Edward told me, his arm around Bella like he was trying to warm her up. "Starting as soon as you leave. We don't know if he'll have others with him – Alice's visions are doing something weird. I think it's because Aro knows how to use them. He's really good at alluding too, but at the most we can throw him off your trail."

"So . . . so I'm running with her?"

"Yes." Bella again. "We trust you with her, Jacob."

You better. I only love her more than my own life. I only need her more than anything else.

"Thanks," I said instead, but I knew Edward would hear it anyway. Nessie's laughter rang down, loud and bright, from upstairs. "Are we going to tell her?"

"No," Edward said firmly, and his eyes flashed. I felt hostility start to build in me and saw him make and effort to calm back down. "No, Jacob, we're not telling her. She's too much like Bella – she won't make it any easier. She might try to pull something."

"Not if I ask her," I reasoned, but really I was glad. She was better off not knowing – I just hated lying to her. "She'll listen to me."

"Maybe so," Edward agreed. "But we're still not taking that chance. And you don't want to tell her either so it's settled."

Fuck. I hate it when he did that.

Edward smiled, just a little.

"We'll take care of everything," Bella said then, stepping forward as mediator. "Papers, money, the car, everything. We're gonna try and start gathering people too, when we can."

Hah. People. She called them people.

"But we'll . . . be gone a lot. Alice will be here, but she'll be preoccupied with Charlie's wedding and trying to see . . . anything. She doesn't see anything coming up, but still, stay with her, Jacob."

You don't have to tell me twice. Didn't have to tell me once really.

"He will."

Damn, I wouldn't miss that.

The little bastard smiled again.

"Fine," I said, shaking my head to try and get the annoyance out. There were too many thoughts there, spinning around. "Just – let me know what I need to know when I need to know it. Can I go get Nessie now? I thought she was off today?"

"She is," Edward said as the little pixie scampered off somewhere. "Carlisle's distracting her so we could talk to you."

Good.

I imagined for a second what it would be like to run with her, to have her with me twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week for an indefinite period of time. Even with psycho vamps chasing us, it sounded good.

I realized a second too late that I was still standing next to Edward and Bella.

"Jacob – "

"I know," I told him. "Don't even tell me because I know. And you know it's not like that and I'd never do anything she wasn't a thousand percent sure about. So don't even tell me."

Edward opened his mouth like he was going to say something else, but Bells put a hand on his arm and he closed it again.

"We know, Jacob," she said, giving me a small smile. It was strained, though.

"All right, well I'm going to get Ness now," I told them, already making my way up the stairs. "I'll make sure she has her phone."

I knocked lightly on the door of the study where I could here Doc and Nessie discussing something quietly and he called out for me to come in. I pushed the door open and stuck my head in and Nessie's eyes did this thing where they sort of lit up.

"Jake!" She said, like she hadn't just seen me ten minutes ago. "Are you ready?"

I nodded. I switched my gaze to the Doc while she was getting her stuff up and we shared a look that let me know he already knew what was coming. Of course they had filled him in already.

I noted that Nessie tucked her phone into her pocket and watched as she stacked some books up and put them back on the shelf a half-vamp speed. She kissed the Doc's cheek and then bounded over to me.

"Let's go," she said, smiling brightly and offering me her hand which I obviously took. I nodded bye to Carlisle just before Nessie tugged me out of the room. "Is everything okay with Seth?"

Shit, Nessie. Why do you care? Please let it be just because you're sweet and care about people. Please don't let it be anything else.

"Yeah, Ness. Seth is fine."

Okay, so here's the thing: imprinting on a kid fucks with you. I mean, don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change it for the world, but that doesn't change the fact that it does. I don't mean the imprinting phenomena in itself either, which is pretty awesome, but you just go through so many mental changes when you have to grow with the girl.

Especially when the girl shoots up into a full-grown sixteen year old in seven years.

Like, for instance, sex drive. Didn't have one for about six years. Didn't bother me. Probably the only guy in the world besides Quil who could say that, but that's how it was. Ness was a kid – I couldn't see her that way, and I definitely couldn't see anyone else that way so it was just nonexistent.

Now . . . not so much.

The first time . . . little Jake reappeared after his long absence, I, like a douche, didn't even realize at first. Nessie was sitting in my lap, which was normal at that time (I had to cut that out quick shortly after and you'll see why), and we were watching some stupid movie. I don't even remember what it was about.

Anyway, I had begun to notice Ness more and more in the past couple of weeks, but it was nothing like now. Just like, how her hair moved and how nice her laugh was. I mean, it had always been nice, but now it was _nice_, you know? But now she was sitting up against me, all leaned back on my chest and I was starting to notice other stuff too.

Like how good she felt against me. Good-good too, not sitting-with-your-sister-and-letting-her-lay-on-you-good either. I mean, Nessie was a girl now, not a kid, and she felt good against me like a girl did. All soft and warm and . . . and her hips pressed back into me felt really awesome.

Wait – hips? Yep, hips. How did I not notice them before? There they were, swelling out from her tiny waist and settled against me.

I knew I probably shouldn't have, but I wanted her closer, so I reached up and wrapped my arm around her waist, holding her against me. I know I should have known better, but I had honestly never experienced anything like that before. I mean, even with . . . with Bella I only kissed her twice and I hugged her a few times but nothing like this. She never sat in my lap. And she could never compare with Nessie.

Nessie didn't seem to mind, just kind of let her arms fall down over mine and snuggled back against me a little more. She was shorter than she is now, about like the little pixie, so her head rested against my shoulder.

Then something happened onscreen, I wasn't paying any attention at that point, and Nessie started cracking up. I felt a movement that shouldn't have really been there over my arm and my eyes flowed down, past her neck, down the slope of her shoulder and even further down.

Those were new too. And holy shit, they were moving.

"Oh my God, Jake," she'd said, still giggling. I still remember the exact words. "Did you see that?"

Then she wiggled in my lap, rubbing herself right up against me as she moved back to look at my face. Her eyes were gorgeous.

Then little Jake, uh . . . stuck his head up.

"Hop up, Ness," I'd said quickly, tapping her on the hip twice before I realized that wasn't really helping my situation. I needed to get up quick before it got any worse and she noticed. "I've gotta use the bathroom. Come on, Ness, hurry."

She rolled off of me and I barely noticed the annoyed look she shot me as I kinda bolted. Even once I was in the bathroom, it was like the monster had been unleashed. I couldn't reel my thoughts back in. Thank God we were at my house and Edward was nowhere around or I'd be dead.

I thought about kissing her. Really kissing her, not that forehead and cheek stuff we do now. I imagined how amazing it would feel to pull her up tight against me, how amazing _she_ would feel, all small and soft and warm and kissing her. Gently at first, and then harder. I thought about hearing her sigh my name.

Little Jake liked that idea.

I imagined how sweet her lips would taste. They had to – every part of her was so perfect. Every part of her had always been so perfect but now it was a new kind of perfect that took perfection to a whole new level. I wanted to marry her.

Seriously, like now. I wanted to marry her. And she wasn't even full grown.

And little Jake was at full attention now. Hadn't felt that particular urge in awhile.

What the fuck was I gonna do?

No, not _that_. I was perverted, sure, but not that perverted. I wouldn't do that with Nessie in the house, so close. So close I could still smell her if I concentrated, could still hear her heartbeat – no. Bad Jake.

I took a cold-ass shower instead.

The first of many, I could already tell.

* * *

**Coming up:**

If she only knew how soon we would actually be running away, she probably wouldn't sound so eager. Didn't stop me from hoping she might.

"Come on, Nessie, it might not be so bad," I told her, even though I was sure it would be. "You're a girl, aren't you? Don't girls like that stuff?

Silence. Oh, shit. Did I say something?

"Whatever, Jake." Yeah, she was pissed. "I'll see you tonight then, I guess. Or tomorrow, it doesn't matter. Bye."

Ouch. That stung like hell.


	4. No Eardrum Busting Today

**A/N: **Okay - so, voting has started over at The Sparkle Awards! It lasts until July 31st. So as promised, here's your announcement and your extra chapter! If you get a minute (I know you've got a few), please, if you think_ Hands on Me_ is deserving, head over and give a quick vote. Here's the sight:

_**thesparkleawards(dot)yolasite(dot)com**_

Also, the lovely **GinaN.B.** has received several nominations, so make sure you vote for her too! Yes, I did just seriously copy and paste my **A/N** from the new chapter of _Hands on Me_.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own any Gym Class Heroes songs, though they do rock. I do own a Pocahontas mug that I found in a shop here in Tripoli. Ah, how I do love Pocahontas. Oh, I don't own Twilight either.

* * *

No Eardrum Busting Today

* * *

_i know i'm young, but if i had to choose her or the sun  
i'd be one nighttime son of a gun_

_- gym class heroes, cupid's chokehold_

-

My phone ringing yanked me back into consciousness and out of a really amazing Nessie dream. Although I have to admit, not a cool guy dream, but one of the more pansy ones. The ones where I tell her about imprinting and she totally gets it and loves me back. Like I said, pansy. But still really awesome.

And I swear to God, if it was anybody but Nessie, I was gonna bust their eardrum.

"What?"

"Ja-ake!"

No eardrum busting today. I opened one eye blearily to check the clock. Too damn early for anybody but Nessie.

"What is it, Ness?"

"I don't want to go!" Ah. Alice was saying something last night about going shopping in P.A. "Jake – you have to save me. Come make a diversion, set the house on fire or something and we'll run away. I can't spend the whole day dress shopping, I _can't._"

If she only knew how soon we would actually be running away, she probably wouldn't sound so eager. Didn't stop me from hoping she might.

"Come on, Nessie, it might not be so bad," I told her, even though I was sure it would be. "You're a girl, aren't you? Don't girls like that stuff?"

Silence. Oh, shit. Did I say something?

"Whatever, Jake." Yeah, she was pissed. "I'll see you tonight then, I guess. Or tomorrow, it doesn't matter. Bye."

Ouch. That stung like hell.

I called her two more times in a row and she didn't answer. I rolled myself immediately out of bed with a groan because I'm a bitch. I couldn't let Nessie go off to Port Angeles for the day mad at me, even though I wasn't really sure what I'd said. I needed to get it all right with her before Scary Alice toted her off to be tortured for the day.

Honestly, if there was anything I thought I could have done to stop it, I would've. Since Ness is like, well, in utter and complete control of me. But Scary Aunt Alice is on a wedding roll and I ain't getting nowhere near her.

I pulled on a pair of jeans and the first t-shirt I laid hands on. I slipped on some old sneakers since I'd decided I was going to drive and grabbed my keys and a hair-thing off my dresser. I didn't like to phase when I knew someone was running patrol – I hated having the guys in my head even more now that everything was so fucked up.

And I didn't want any non-imprint guys to see any more of Nessie than they had to, even through my thoughts. Which was inevitable when I phased, since I couldn't keep my mind off her.

The Rabbit was still in really good condition considering, since I hardly drove it. I never really went anywhere much besides Vamp Land and I usually ran there. I drove pretty quick, since I didn't want to miss her. My stupid ass would probably end up driving up to Port A. just to apologize.

I felt like an idiot. I should know her well enough by now to not say things that upset her. I must be like the worst imprint ever. I made her mad, she didn't love me – I mean, come on. There was a list.

I pulled up into the yard just as Crazy Aunt Alice was dragging Nessie out of the house. I could tell she hadn't let Alice had dress her because she actually looked comfortable. Nessie always looked great. She didn't need Pixie-vamp's super expensive clothes to help her.

Her eyes did the light up thing when she laid eyes on me getting out of the car and my stomach flipped. Yeah, it actually did. She broke free of Alice's iron grip and half-ran to me. I held out my arms and she jumped into them. Damn.

"You still mad at me?" I asked. She pressed her face into my neck and then her body tensed in my arms. I pulled my head back a little to look at her. "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine," Nessie assured me, but her cheeks were pink. She bit her lip and it was so hard not to kiss her when she did that. Extra hard. She shook her head. "I'm not mad."

"Even though I'm not breaking you out?" I had to check.

"Even though," she said, then cocked her head at me. "But why did you come then?"

"To make sure you're not mad," I told her, rolling my eyes. "Half-vampire best friends are pretty hard to come by. I'm not sure where I'd get a new one if I lost the one I got."

Her cheeks got darker but she smiled. Why was she blushing all of a sudden?

"Yeah. Not like me," she said, teasing. "There's a bunch of wolves. I'd just trade up."

I knew she was playing, but ouch, Nessie. Why did it hurt so bad all of a sudden? Because there was a chance she might be serious?

"None of them are quite so awesome like me."

Nessie grinned and my day got a little better.

"Or as irritating, but you're right," she agreed. Yes, yes, yes. "I really don't want to leave, but I think you should put me down because I think Alice is very close to biting you and I like the wolf I got."

The only thing that could have made me the tiniest bit happy about taking my hands off of her was the fact that she didn't want me to. For whatever reason. Even if it was only because I was keeping her from fashion-torture. I set her down and watched as she shifted her weight uneasily and pushed her hair back.

"I'll see you tonight?" It was a question. She was checking to make sure _I_ wasn't mad at _her_.

"If you want to."

"Oh, don't hold it over me, Jake," she burst out, but it was a request and not a command. I wanted to hug her again. "I'll see you tonight – please?"

"Sure, sure." I was surprised by how normal my voice was. I was ecstatic.

She smiled real big and went to walk back to the increasingly scary-looking pixie, but then looked like she remembered something.

"I – Alice took my phone," she told me. "I heard your song and I wanted to answer it, but she wouldn't let me. Sorry."

Yes, never had a day without Nessie seemed so horrible and not-horrible at the same time. Horrible because I would be without her and not-horrible because I had the thought that she was missing me too to keep with me.

"Don't worry about it," I told her, shaking my head and barely holding back a grin. "I'll see you tonight."

The Nessie-missing-me-thought thing didn't help as much as I thought it was going to and the day was still unbearably long. I ran patrol, thankfully alone, so I could flood my thoughts with Ness and not worry about anyone watching in. I went home after and took a hot shower that was, well, wasn't a cold shower. You get the idea.

I got out feeling a little better and my mood only increased when I saw Billy had cooked. I ate mostly all of it, then helped him do his test stuff. I decided I wanted to try for a nap and if I was lucky a really good Nessie dream but Embry had other ideas and called me at forty-five second intervals until I answered the phone.

"_What_ do you want, Embry?" I said when I finally answered, an arm slung over my eyes to block the light out. "What is so important that you have to call me fifteen times when I'm trying to _sleep_?"

"Hey, man, what's up? You were sleeping? Oh, I'm sorry. Anyway, you remember that Lizzie girl from the auto shop? Yeah, well we're going out tonight to this car show in P.A. that's kinda nice and I don't have anything to wear. Can I borrow a shirt?"

He had to stop then. To let me answer, and also, werewolf or not, he had to breathe eventually.

"Embry, I don't care," I told him, exhaling deeply. "Come over and see if you can find something but _don't _call me againand _don't_ beat on the door – just come in."

"Yeah, yeah, sure, thanks."

Click.

Sorry, Dream-Nessie. I'll have to get back to you later.

I looked at the clock on my phone. Three.

Damn it. When was the real Nessie coming home?

It was five more long hours before I saw her. I finally got sick of sitting around after Embry left so I decided to go up to the big house. Even if Ness wasn't back yet, I'm sure there was some sort of planning or strategizing I could help them with. I hadn't really helped much – I'd been spending all my time with Nessie.

I was surprised when I saw Alice's bright yellow car in the massive garage. Her head came peeping out of the door a second later and she didn't look surprised. She never did.

"Nessie just went home."

I was just about to demand to know why they let her go anywhere alone when she said, "I was about to call you when everything went blank."

That was all the info I needed so I nodded in parting and jogged out of the clearing. Once I was under the cover of trees, I broke into a run. Whatever, I missed her. So sue me. Besides, it was getting dark. Nessie shouldn't be walking home alone in the dark.

I came up on the back of the house and saw her window was open. I could hear her heartbeat but not much else. I went and peeked through, from the corner of my eye at first to make sure she wasn't naked or anything (I wasn't that perverted). She wasn't.

Nessie was laying on the bed, curled almost into a ball. Poor baby, she looked so tired. She whimpered.

"What are you crying about?"

Her head shot up and I gave her the biggest grin. I couldn't help it. I'd missed her.

"I can't feel my feet."

I'm sorry, honey.

"So are you telling me," I said instead, climbing up through the window and sending the room into blackness for a minute. "That Renesmee Cullen, the half-vampire who runs halfway to Canada on a daily basis, hangs with werewolves and wrestles with the maniac Emmett, is afraid of high heel shoes?"

I expected a witty retort or at least an eye roll, but Nessie just nodded tiredly. Alice really put her through the wringer today. I felt a flash of anger but I pushed it back. I wanted to make her feel better, but I wasn't sure how. I also wanted to be as close as possible to her so I nudged her to make way for me.

Nessie glanced up at me when I wrapped my arm around her shoulders and I couldn't help but grin down at her again. She was so gorgeous. But then her whole body tensed up like it had been doing whenever I touched her lately and she buried her face in my chest. That was nice too, though. She inhaled really deep and I could feel it even through my shirt. I couldn't help but hold her tighter for a second.

Her body tensed even more and she shifted her legs weird.

"Are you okay, Ness?"

"Mmhm."

She didn't say anything else, gave me no more clues to go on, so I just stayed quiet for a minute. Then I spied the monster pile of pink shopping bags in the corner.

"So . . . what'd you get?"

"Shoes." I could hear the bitterness in her voice. I could tell she'd spent a lot of time with them today. "And a dress, and other stupid, unimportant stuff."

Okay, I know I'm a guy and all, and I could really care less about dresses and shoes but it was Nessie. And if I saw the stuff then I could imagine her in it and that was just a whole another patrol shift of things to think about it.

"Can I see?"

"Sure, why not?"

I slid quickly out from under her and across the room. I dug into the first bag to find jewelry and the second a box that look suspiciously like it might be holding underwear. I knew better than to even think about touching that one.

"But I'm not trying any of that stuff on for you." I heard Nessie say as I continued to dig, and my mind was suddenly filled of images of her trying on things for me. Probably very different ones from how she meant, though. "You'll just have to wait for the wedding. Alice promised I won't have to try anything else on until the day of and I'm holding her to it."

I knocked a bunch of paper out of the way so Nessie could see me when I pretended to pout. "Not even for me?"

"Sorry, Jake." No, I'm sorry. Trust me. "I love you and all, but come near me with those things, and I'll go vampire on you."

I love you too, Nessie.

So far the only thing of real interest I'd found were two pairs of shoes, one dark blue and one white. One looked much more dangerous than the other, but besides that I couldn't really tell them apart. I laid out on my stomach and set them in front of me. One was much higher than the other.

They'd both look amazing on Nessie's legs.

"Um . . . both," she said, wincing as she looked. "Scary Aunt Alice hasn't made her mind up yet. Don't you wish we weren't blind spots?"

I love you, Nessie. I really do. And I'd follow you to the ends of the earth, but I can't agree with you there. I told her as much, but she already knew that.

"Can I see your dress?"

Nessie snorted. "I don't care, Jacob, knock yourself out."

"Which bag is it?" They all looked the same.

"It was a pink bag, I think." That was helpful. They were all pink. "What did you do today?"

I gave her a quick run down of my day, editing as needed, while I searched for the dress. I paused to measure one of her tiny bracelets against my wrist. It wouldn't even fit halfway, but it'd probably hang loose on her. I let out a cry of triumph as I peeked inside yet another pink bag to find a dress.

I was sitting up, and I could hold it out in front of me and it wouldn't even touch the ground. She was so small.

"E-Embry had a date?"

Embry? Had I said something about him? Oh, yeah. She'd asked about my day.

"Yeah, some girl name Lizzie – I hooked them up, they both like cars." And by hooked them up I meant shoved her his way when she showed interest in me at a car show he dragged me to a few weeks ago. "This is really pretty, Nessie – I can't wait to see it on you."

That was normal, right? That wasn't weird. Normal friends said stuff like that, right?

"So you know her?" I looked up to see Nessie's face red and her eyes kinda anxious. "Is she pretty?"

Pretty? Nobody is pretty besides you, Ness. I can't even see anyone else.

I pushed my hair out of my face and folded the dress back up to give me some time to think.

"I guess so," I said finally, since that seemed like a safe answer. "Embry thinks so . . . I mean, she's not ugly or anything. I guess I never really paid that much attention."

It might have been me, but I think she smiled a little. What did that mean?

"So why didn't you?" Nessie asked then and for a second I was confused. "Go out with her, I mean."

I think I had something in my hand. Well, I know I did, because I dropped _something_ but for the life of me I couldn't tell you what it was.

Were we going to have this conversation now? Like, right now?

"I don't date."

What else was I supposed to say?

I only see you. I only want you. I only need you. The only one I ever think about is you. The only _thing_ I ever think about is you. The only person I ever want to look at, touch, kiss or be with for the rest of my life is you.

I couldn't say any of that.

"Why not?"

Yeah, we were having this conversation. And fuck it all, I couldn't tell her about the imprint. I _wouldn't_.

I got up and sat on the edge of the bed, since no matter how awkward this was likely to be I still wanted to be close to her. Her bare little feet rested just next to my thigh and I remembered what she said about them hurting, so I pulled them gently into my lap and started rubbing them. I was surprised when she didn't yank back from me like she had been the past week. Just touching her calmed me down and helped me gather my thoughts.

But then I pressed my thumb absently into Nessie's arch, and she moaned. Moaned.

My eyes snapped to her face just in time to see her cheeks turn pink. I looked back down at my hands. Had I made her make that sound?

I had to close my eyes for a second to fight off my body's reaction. It took a couple more to remember what I was going to say.

"Well, I don't need to, Ness. I don't _want_ to. I mean, what are girlfriends for?"

Still, I wasn't going to lie if I could help it. I wasn't going to act like I had interest in anyone besides her. I meant the question rhetorically, but of course Ms. Doctorate-Degree-at-Age-Four had to answer me.

"Well, for talking to and hanging out with and making you happy." I nodded. You, you, you, Ness. Every time you. "For . . . being together and having fun and having somebody."

You're the only one I want to talk to or hang out with. You're the only thing that makes me happy. You're the only body I want. How can I make you see that?

I _wasn't_ going to lie.

"I hang out with you and I have fun with you." Only you. Please see that. "And being with you makes me happy, and I have people. I have Billy and your family even though some of us don't always get along and I have the pack and I have you."

You.

"But it's not the same," she pressed, pulling herself into a sitting position. Her feet were still in my hands. "I have people too. I have my vampire family and Grandpa Charlie and . . . and you, but . . . don't you – "

She laid back down and cast around for words.

" – don't you ever want somebody who's just for you? Who wants you and only you? Who's just your own?"

I'd give anything in the world for you to belong to me, Nessie. For you to be just for me. I'd fight an army for you to want only me and be my own. But I had a feeling that wasn't what we were talking about anymore.

"Do you?"

She just kind of stared at me for a few seconds like she didn't know what to say, but it wasn't exactly a hard question and Nessie was a smart girl. She knew the answer and didn't want to tell me. And now I knew the answer too.

She pulled her foot from my hand and shoved me gently in the chest.

"I'm talking about you, stupid," she whispered. Why was she whispering?

I smiled since it was obviously what Nessie wanted, but my stomach was sinking. I grabbed her foot and held it against my chest, right over the place where my heart was beating. She curled her toes like she was trying to pinch me but all she could get was my shirt.

"Never mind, I don't even know what I'm talking about anyway," she said, shaking her head quickly and trying to backtrack but it was too late for that. "I'm just being dumb. Ignore me like usual."

Ignore her like usual? When had I ever ignored her? When had I ever not been completely, utterly obsessed and enthralled with her? From the day of her birth until now – name me one instance. Is that what she thought? That I ignored her? Did she not pay any attention to me at all?

I let her foot go. She curled it under her like it was glad to get away.

"I'm your best friend, Nessie, right?"

I needed to hear her say it. I needed to hear if she could say it.

She raised her bright brown eyes to mine and met my gaze. I realized it was the first time in a week that she had – really had, like this.

"Of course, Jacob," she answered automatically, and the twisting in my stomach mostly stopped. She flew up onto her knees and threw her arms around my neck, her warm cheek resting on my shoulder. "Who else would it be, Jake? Who else?"

I wrapped my arms around her tiny waist and held her tight against me for a few seconds. It sounds lame as fuck, but I just needed to feel her. But I had something to say and she needed to look at me when I did.

"Then you should talk to me. If something's wrong with you, or you need to tell me something, you always can. I promise I won't get angry or . . . or laugh, or any of the other stupid things I do, okay?"

Okay, Ness? Please let me know. Please let me know what's up with you so I don't go insane.

"Okay," she whispered, nodding quickly and trying to pull me back to her. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done to hold her back.

"D'you promise?"

She was silent for a few long seconds before she leaned in and buried her face in my neck. I could feel her soft lips against my skin when she said, "I promise, Jacob. I promise."

Ah, Ness. I wish I could say the same.

* * *

**Coming up:**

"See, Jake?" She said, and then she looked at me.

Nessie had looked at me a thousand times before, but it had never been quite like this. She'd never been so close, so close I could feel her breath on my face, so close our thighs were pressed together, so close she had my bloody freaking heart gripped in her tiny fist.

She had never been more beautiful. I had never wanted to kiss her more. Was that because I knew now that I would never get to?


	5. Not Me

**A/N: **Here's the scene I think you've all been waiting for. One of them, at least. Now you'll get to see what was going on in Jake's head that day. Also, the new chapter of _HoM_ is up (In Which Home is Where You Are), so go check that out and review. And don't forget to vote for _Hands on Me_ at the Sparkle Awards! You can vote once a day, I think, so drop in when you can! Huge thanks to anyone who's voted and to all the people who continue to vote.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own anything Twilight related or the quote below from the lovely Warsan Shire. Please check out both her blog and her MySpace, since she's mind-blowing. (myspace(dot)com/warsanshire, warsanshire(dot)blogspot(dot)com). Now, go forth, read, and don't forget to review!

* * *

Not Me

* * *

_we will struggle  
not the way people do  
and you will hurt me  
but not the way everyone else can_

_- warsan shire, day twenty-five_

-

I cannot believe that I'm fucking having this conversation. I _wouldn't _believe it, except that I am.

It started off all right. Nessie asked me about my mom, which she hadn't before, and besides a close call on the tear front we were cool. It was actually kinda nice to talk to her about all that – I never really had with anyone before. And then she snuggled up against me and that was awesome. But then she did the weird tensing thing and I asked her if she was okay.

And for the first time I think all this week, she didn't lie.

She told me that she'd been feeling weird and she didn't know why. That she didn't know what was wrong but maybe I would and I immediately panicked and assumed that she was sick.

"No, not like sick," she was saying now, her face turning red. "Like, sometimes my stomach hurts. But in a good way."

See my issue here? There's only one thing that makes your stomach hurt in a good way that I know of.

"How often?" I had to make sure though. I had to be sure before I let myself – hope. "When? For how long?"

"About a week, maybe a little longer," Nessie answered, almost a whisper. "Sometimes when I'm asleep, I wake up and my stomach's all tight and it's like I'm hungry or thirsty but I'm neither . . . "

Oh, shit.

"Is it only when you sleep?"

She mumbled something I didn't catch. When she didn't repeat herself after a few seconds, I prompted, "Ness?"

"No, it's not only when I sleep," she said, louder than she needed to. I could tell she was forcing it out. "Sometimes it happens when I'm awake too."

Damn it. I let my head fall back against the headboard and exhaled heavily. I scrubbed a hand over my face. What else was I supposed to do?

What was I supposed to feel?

Nessie was experiencing . . . lust. She was really grown up now, but . . . who for?

If it was for me, well, I couldn't even imagine how – how I'd feel. How great that'd be. And if it wasn't – I couldn't imagine it either. I wouldn't.

And how the hell was I going to tell her? Shouldn't Bella have talked to her about this shit before now instead of locking herself in the room with Edward all night?

"I'm sorry," Nessie's sweet voice said anxiously, pulling me out of my thoughts. "It's probably nothing, don't worry about it. I'll try not to let it bother me, all right? Everything's okay, right?"

I couldn't even look at her. I was so close, teetering on the fucking edge. I was about to fall over to one side or the other, and both were extremes. I was sure that if I looked at her now she would see everything.

"Jacob?" She tried again, her voice cracking. My heart tore at the fear I heard in it. "I won't talk about it anymore, I promise. Everything's still okay, right?"

I took two more seconds then forced my head back up to look at her. Had she gotten more beautiful?

"Renesmee, I'm not sure if I should be the one who – "

"I know, I know," she cut me off quickly, holding out a tiny hand. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have mentioned it. It's just, you made me promise last night to tell you and then you asked, and I'm sorry. I just didn't want to break my promise."

"No!" Oh, Nessie. Oh, my sweet, gorgeous, perfect, sweet, sweet Nessie. "No, it's okay, Nessie, I want you to talk to me. It's just that – I'm not sure, I'm a guy, and I think I know what's wrong, but . . . "

"But?"

But I don't know how to tell you. But I don't know what to say. But I don't know how to keep from throwing you down on the bed and kissing you until you can't breathe.

"But I don't know if I'm the one you want to have this conversation with," I said instead.

"But you are," she said simply. "I don't want to talk to anyone else."

Oh, my Ness.

"Are you sure?"

She nodded. I shifted around a little, crossing my legs and wasting time.

"Okay . . . you say your stomach tightens up, but it doesn't hurt. It feels good?"

"Yes."

My stomach twisted into knots as I prepared myself to ask the next question.

"Does it happen when someone touches you?"

Her face got even pinker and she avoided my eyes when she mumbled, "Sometimes."

My heart was in my fucking throat. I was seriously about to choke on it. How was I still breathing?

"A boy?"

Nessie looked at me for a long time, every second stretching out and feeling like weeks. Then she whispered, "Just one."

My heart ate shit. Seriously, it kissed the dirt. I felt like I actually fucking wanted to cry, it was that bad. I forced it back, though. No way could I let Nessie see. There was only one thought in my head – who the fuck was he?

And then I realized.

I was gonna fucking kill Seth's ass.

I looked down at my blanket since I couldn't look at Ness anymore. I picked at a few loose strings and then I remembered Nessie was still waiting for me to tell her what was up.

That was weird. The world hadn't stopped. It had felt like it.

"And when you say your stomach," I asked, quieter now. "You don't mean your stomach, do you?"

It didn't matter. I was just finalizing at this point – I knew what it was. It was want and she didn't fucking want me.

She turned pinker than she ever had as she shook her head.

"It's um . . . it's normal, Nessie."

I mean, as normal as a half-vampire ripping her werewolf best friend/soul mate's heart out without even knowing it because she wanted his Beta could get.

"What?"

"It's normal, what you're feeling," I explained, feeling like a traitor and a liar as the words came out. It wasn't normal – normal was wanting me, her imprint, her fitting piece. Normal was wanting me since I was made for her. "It happens to all teenagers – there's nothing wrong with you."

"Are you serious?" Nessie burst out, sounding relieved. I felt a twinge of satisfaction at the fact that she wasn't upset anymore even as my chest felt like it was ripping open. "Even boys? Even you?"

I chuckled then. I'm not sure why – maybe I was going crazy.

"Yeah, even me, Ness. It's a little . . . different with boys, but yeah. It's a part of growing up."

If this shit was a part of growing up, she should have stayed five. She should have stayed five when she was my best little girl and I didn't want her like this and she didn't want fucking Seth.

How could I still smile at her? My chest seriously felt like it was caving in and I could still smile at her. She smiled back.

Oh, that was why. The only thing, besides her, that I ever want is for her to be happy. I forgot that for a minute.

"So it's going to go away?" She looked so relieved. "I won't be like this forever."

I hope, Ness. A guy can wish.

"Um . . . no. It's not going to go away."

I wasn't prepared for her to freak out like that. For her to shout that loudly, jump that high. I held my hands out at her – I wasn't sure why. Hoping she'd jump into them maybe?

"Calm down, Nessie," I told her gently. "It won't go away, but you'll learn to deal with it. It'll happen less often, and you'll . . . you'll learn to enjoy it."

But not with me. Never with me.

You'd enjoy it so much more with me, Ness. I swear.

She stared at me for what felt like forever. And when she finally asked me in a tiny voice, "But what is it?" I thought she was fucking with me.

I just kinda stared at her for a minute.

"You seriously still don't know?"

You aren't just saying it to fuck with me? You aren't just trying to rip my stomach out a little more thoroughly? You aren't just trying to see if you can actually make me cry? Because you can, Ness, just keep this up.

I steeled myself.

"It's hormones, Ness," I said finally, looking at her beautiful white shoulder instead of her face. "It's . . . well . . . it's lust."

Nessie looked down and looked like she was thinking hard. After a few long seconds, she raised her head back up. She was so beautiful.

I don't know what I was expecting her to say, but it wasn't, "Oh. Well. Okay."

I didn't say anything since I didn't have anything to say. I just looked at her. Her hair, her skin, her eyes, her lips, her body. All of it was so beautiful. And it would never be mine.

Shit, that hurt.

See, there are three kinds of hurt. There's physical hurt, that's the easiest one. Then there's the kind of hurt you get when someone dies or is taken or anything like that – it's easier too. You can be angry, rail against everything, go through the five stages and you come out on the other end pretty all right most of the time.

Then there's the last kind, rejection. It's almost worst than death in a way. See, with death, you know they didn't want to leave. They were taken. But with rejection – well, it's rejection. You're being rejected. You're not wanted.

And when you love somebody, that hurts like hell. And when you love somebody like I love Nessie, you can't even breathe.

"Are you hungry?"

Hungry, Nessie? Hungry? I can't even feel my fucking stomach.

"Not really."

"Oh." She paused for a second, bit her lip in that way I love. It made my stomach hurt worse. "Do you wanna play X-box?"

"I will if you want to." I'd shoot myself in the head if you wanted me to, Ness. But why was she being so random? "Nessie, are you all right?"

"Sure, sure," she told me, using my words. But she didn't smile.

She was worried. I wasn't sure why. Maybe that I saw her different, or . . . shit, I don't know.

"Listen," I told her, sliding to sit beside her. "It's all right, Nessie. It's normal, it – it doesn't change anything with us, okay?"

It was the biggest lie I ever told. But it would make Nessie feel better, and that was all that mattered.

"It doesn't?"

What did she expect? I would never dump her – she just tore my heart out and I still wanted to take care of her any way I could.

"Of course not. I'm your best friend. I'll always be your best friend."

Remember that. Whatever you decide to do, Nessie, please remember that. _I'm_ your best friend.

For a second, she looked sad. Did she not want me to be? Did I not even get to have that?

"Okay, thanks," she said after a second.

She was holding herself tight. She was still stressing herself out. Even considering everything, I didn't want her doing that.

"Don't freak out."

"I'm not!"

My arm was halfway around her shoulders before I realized. Maybe I wasn't allowed to do that anymore.

"Is this okay?"

Please say yes. Please if you care about me even the littlest bit say yes. I can't not touch you.

"Duh, Jacob. This has nothing to do with me and you, remember?"

Wow. I know I'd said the same thing, but it hurt a hell of a lot worse coming from her. Because she meant it, maybe? But she was right. Nothing to do with me and her. Nothing at all.

Nessie rolled her eyes at me and reached out and wrapped my arm around her. She was wearing a sleeveless dress – something she didn't do a lot – and her bare shoulders felt nice under my arm. My arm draped over hers, my fingers just brushing the soft skin on the inside of her elbow.

"See, Jake?" She said, and then she looked at me.

Nessie had looked at me a thousand times before, but it had never been quite like this. She'd never been so close, so close I could feel her breath on my face, so close our thighs were pressed together, so close she had my bloody freaking heart gripped in her tiny fist.

She had never been more beautiful. I had never wanted to kiss her more. Was that because I knew now that I would never get to?

I knew now that Nessie was grown up, capable of feeling lust. But not for me. I could make her feel it for me, though, if she'd give me the chance. I could make her feel better than anyone else ever could – I knew it. I was made for her, it was my job. To give her everything she ever needed.

I wanted so bad to press her down onto my mattress and show her she could feel like that with me too. I would take my time, run my hands up her legs, kiss my way down her neck –

And then I saw it.

It burst into the front of my mind, stronger than a memory. Nessie, pressed down under me, one of my hands in her sweet hair and the other on her thigh. My lips at her neck, her body arching up off the bed to meet me, to get closer to me.

I saw it with a clarity I recognized – like when Nessie transported me her thoughts and feelings. Except it was _my_ thoughts and _my_ feelings, not hers. My eyes snapped to her hands, but they were in her lap. There was no way in hell it could have been her.

But _something_ had passed between us.

"What was that?" I let go of her and nearly jumped off the bed. "Did you do that?"

"My hands were in my lap!"

Fuck. She knew what I was talking about. She saw it too.

"I know! Can – can it work like that? Can it go backwards?"

Since when the fuck could Nessie read minds? When in the hell did she start inheriting shit from Edward and forget to tell me?

"What are you talking about?"

"I didn't know it worked like that. I thought – I thought you could only show other people what you were thinking."

Didn't know. Understatement of the century goes to Jacob Black.

"But only through my palms," Nessie explained, sounding desperate.

I kind of turned around in a circle a few times. I couldn't even wrap my brain around what was happening. Everything was falling apart so fast. This morning my only problem was that Nessie wasn't coming around fast enough, and I now I knew she never was and now she knew just how deeply I was obsessed with her. How I felt. What I wanted to do to her. With her.

She saw me like her brother – she was probably disgusted. She was probably freaked out. She was probably closer to losing it than I was. I forced myself back into control.

I kneeled down in front of Ness and forced myself to look her in the eyes. Her beautiful, brown eyes.

"I'm sorry, Renesmee," I told her. What else was there? "I'm really, truly sorry. That was unacceptable and – "

"You're sorr – "

This look of . . . realization passed over her face and all the light seriously dropped out of her eyes. Just like that. I wasn't sure what I had done.

Nessie just kind of stared at me for a second, and then her beautiful eyes, still gorgeous even without the light, flooded with tears. Seriously, just welled all the way up. I wasn't sure why – maybe just a delayed reaction to what she'd seen a few seconds ago, I dunno.

And I know I shouldn't have, but I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand to see her hurt in any way, especially if I was the one who had done it. I had ruined everything and made her cry in one fell swoop. I reached out for her.

Nessie had shied away from me before, more in the last few weeks than she ever had. She had even jumped, pulled away. But never like this. She flew backwards away from my hands, scrambling back across the bed. She blinked and the tears that were in her eyes spilled over onto her cheeks.

I was frozen for half a second before I started after her, but it was all she needed. And fuck, I don't think she'd ever run that fast before. Panic tore at my chest – what had I done? In ten seconds, we were in the forest.

I called for her to come back but she ignored me and kept running, her bright hair flying out behind her. Did she hate me now? Was she that disgusted? A knife twisted in my stomach.

"Nessie!" I shouted after her. "Come back! Please!"

What else could I say?

She didn't stop. She pushed herself even harder – I had no idea she could be so fast. Her bare feet were barely white blurs as she raced ahead of me through the woods. I had never needed anything more than I needed her right now. Than I needed to throw myself at her feet and beg for forgiveness.

She had to give it. She had to.

Not having her like I wanted seemed like the end of the world five minutes ago but it was nothing compared with the possibility of not having her at all.

"Nessie!"

She didn't stop.

I flipped the switch in the recess of my brain and let the wolf overtake my body.

* * *

**Coming up:**

An unlucky elk crossed my path and I tore that shit down so quick it wasn't even funny.

I sunk my teeth into his throat and ripped it out. I wasn't hungry, I didn't want to eat.

But I was a wolf and I was hurt and I wanted to hurt something back. It was wrong and it was sick and I didn't care. Nessie would though, if she knew. She would be pissed that I'd killed something I wasn't going to eat. Elk was Nessie's favorite.

I reached down tore a strip of meat off the flank.


	6. Let Me Go

**_A/N: _**Thanks so much for all the support so far - here's y'all's new chapter. It was really, really hard for me so let me know how I did. I love being inside Jake's head.

**_Disclaimer: _**I own nothing. Not even my laptop as of three weeks from now - I'm giving it away. Aren't I sweet?

* * *

Let. Me. Go.

* * *

_i'm sleeping on your folk's porch again, dreaming  
__she said, she said, she said, "why don't you just drop dead?"_

_- fall out boy, a little less 'sixteen candles', a little more 'touch me'_

-

I felt my body expand, my bones and muscles moving and shifting to form the wolf's body. Fur burst from my pores and my clothes ripped off. All four of my feet hit the ground and I pounded after Nessie. She was no match for me in wolf form but she pushed herself harder anyway and she sped up a little, running at full tilt towards the direction of the big house.

She didn't want to see me. She didn't want me to catch her. She just plain didn't want me. I couldn't force something she didn't want on her, even if it was myself. I slowed down then, following but not chasing. I still needed to make sure she got home all right.

I stopped once she tore into the clearing of the big house, since I had expired my excuse. She was undoubtedly safe now. I watched her fly around the back of the house and then back around before she tore through the front door.

That was it. I guess that's where my part ended. I had truly fucked up.

I ran around to a broken tree a few hundred yards back where I kept a change of clothes for situations like this. Not particularly like this, of course, but times when I found myself without clothes. These times happened much more often for werewolves than normal people. Edward was very fond of the tree-clothes idea.

I phased back and pulled the gym shorts and t-shirt on fast as hell, though I wasn't sure why. I wasn't in a hurry to get anywhere. I didn't have anywhere to go. I would sit here until I reckoned Nessie had calmed down a little and then I would go in and beg for the chance to apologize.

I was walking back to the edge of the clearing to wait when I heard the worst sound I'd ever heard in my life. I'd never heard it before either, not like this, but I knew it immediately.

Nessie was crying. Not just any crying either. Heart-wrenching, body-wracking sobs that sounded entirely too broken to be coming from anything so whole as Nessie.

My eyes flashed to the direction they were coming from and I saw Bella come out of the house cradling Ness in her arms. I was filled with a mixture of jealousy, anger, love, and self-hate. It should be me. I shouldn't have made her cry to begin with, but it should be me comforting her.

I don't remember telling my legs to move, but the next thing I realized I was in the middle of the yard and two freezing cold white arms closed around me.

It was only my practice in discipline in the last seven years that kept me from phasing on the spot. By the time I forced my instincts back under control, Bella and Nessie were gone.

"Let me go!" I growled.

"No, Jacob." It was Undead Prozac. I felt him working some of his druggy magic on me now, felt myself beginning to calm down. Beginning to feel like it wasn't the end of the world. "Let her go. You need to let her go – Emmett, come help me."

I struggled in his arms, but half-heartedly. He shouldn't be allowed to do that shit to people – mess with their heads like that. He shouldn't be able to make me feel like everything wasn't ruined when it was. It would only be so much worse when I came back into reality.

Emmett's arms came around me then too, and I knew I wouldn't be able to break free. And Nessie was gone. Fuck.

"Let. Me. Go."

"No!" Oh, Prozac was getting an attitude now. Well, _excuse_ me. "You need to calm the hell down – we're not letting you go until you do. I can help you if you stop fighting against it so damn much. Edward, come talk to him."

Edward's face flashed in front of me. His eyes were worried.

"What happened?"

Various images of the thousand mistakes I made this afternoon swam in my head and I waited for his stone fist to collide with my jaw. Edward's face didn't change.

"You – you don't know?"

"I can't hear anything!" He seemed to realize something, because he growled, "Bella."

Undead Prozac took advantage of my distraction and a wave of calm washed over me unexpectedly. It came too quick for me to fight against it.

"What?"

"She's blocking you," Edward explained. "Renesmee ran into the house screaming for Bella to shield her and I guess now she's shielding you too."

I felt myself being dragged back, but I hardly fought against it. Jasper and Emmett sat me down on the steps and settled themselves on either side of me. I'm not sure why, since they didn't get tired. Guess they were being nice. Edward followed us.

"Nessie – " Wow – it hurt to say her name. " – asked Bella to shield her?"

Edward just nodded.

So Nessie . . . didn't want anyone to know what had happened? Was that because she was embarrassed or just protecting me? Did that mean she didn't hate me after all, since she didn't want her dad turning me into mince meat? Or just that she was still the sweetest girl ever?

Fuck, Nessie. I'm so sorry.

"I – I have to go see her."

"No." Jasper again. I think he just liked telling people what to do and he didn't get to do it much in this family between Edward and his crazy pixie. "You need to stay here. Her emotions were really messed up and she needs some time to sort them out."

"Fuck." I tried to shrug my shoulders, but I couldn't. "Will you just get off me – I'm not going anywhere! Jesus!"

Jasper looked at me appraisingly for a few seconds.

"Let him go, Em." He looked at me. "If you try to run, we're going to tie you up."

"Fuck you."

Seriously, what was everybody's deal? If they wanted to beat the shit out of me for hurting Nessie, fine. I'd sit still and let them do it, but this was driving me insane. What use was sitting quietly? I _couldn't_ sit quietly. I'd hurt my Nessie and I had to fix it.

They let me go, though. Thank God.

I flexed my arms and let my head fall into my hands. Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

"Jacob," I heard Edward say. "Is Nessie hurt?"

"She's physically fine."

What else was I supposed to say? I freaked your kid out. I somehow transported my sick fantasies about pinning her to the bed and having my way with her into her head when she was just trying to confide in me as her best friend. I fucked up and now she hates me and doesn't trust me and never wants to see me again. Is that fine?

"What happened?"

I would have told him. I swear I would've. He deserved to know what I'd done – so he could hate me like I deserved, like any Dad would. But Nessie didn't want him to know.

And what Nessie wanted was all that matters.

"Edward," I told him. My voice sounded so weak and stupid. "If Nessie – if she doesn't want you to know, then I can't – "

His face became horrified.

"You didn't – "

Emmett and Jasper stiffened beside me. My temper flared.

"No the hell I didn't!" What did he think I was? "I'm a fuck-up, but I'm not that big of a fuck-up! Come on, man . . . shit. I need to see her."

"Listen, Jacob," Edward said, squatting down in front of me. I felt like a fucking ten year old. "She's really, really upset right now. I've never seen her like that. She didn't even want me with her, only Bella. She screamed at Jasper. You need to leave her alone for now and I promise you can see her soon. Soon you'll . . . you'll have a lot of time to work things out."

Shit. The wedding. I'd completely forgot.

I'd . . . I'd be running with her. She'd be forced to be with me.

The idea of Nessie suffering with me was almost worse than the thought of being without her. I had to fix this. I _could_ fix this. I just needed to see her.

"Jacob?"

Oh, shit. Come on now. Not her. I didn't want to yell at her and I couldn't deal with this right now.

"Jacob, are you hungry?"

Why did people keep asking me that? My stomach twisted when I remembered Nessie asking me that less than half an hour ago.

"No, Esme."

"Well, there's roast if you get hungry. I know you probably don't want to eat, but you should. They're not going to let you go and see her for a while."

Yeah, thanks for reminding me. Please just leave me alone, Momma Vamp, before you make me be mean to you when I don't want to be mean to you.

"Maybe later."

She went away then. Thank God.

And there was nothing to do but wait.

It was the hardest fucking thing I've ever done. I went from reserved to depressed to mad as hell. Back and forth, back and forth. The gaping hole in my stomach stayed there the whole time though, wide open.

I didn't go inside. I didn't eat. I hardly even talked. I just paced and cursed and thought.

I could tell Edward wasn't enjoying the waiting too much either. Almost as much as he wasn't enjoying not knowing exactly what's going on all the time. Finally he stood up.

"I'm going to see her." He looked at me. "You stay here."

That sounded like an order. Fuck that.

"Just – just until I can make sure everything's all right." Yeah, that's right. You knew that wasn't going to fly. "Please, Jacob."

I didn't say anything so I guess he took it as my agreement and jogged off into the woods. I was alone. Jasper and Emmett had wandered off a few hours ago.

I was alone and Edward was running off to go check on my Ness. _Fuck_ that.

I took off after him. He snatched his head back around to me when he heard me approach, his expression annoyed.

"Jacob – "

"No," I insisted. No Jacob. "I won't go inside if she doesn't – doesn't want me. But I've got to at least hear her. I've got to hear that she's all right."

Edward's weird colored veggie-vamp eyes surveyed me for a long minute. Then he said, "Fine."

Like if hadn't it would have made a difference.

My heart started to thunder in my chest as we approached the house. Would she be all right by now? She had to be. It had been hours. Hours. She had to be better. I can't have hurt her that bad. Could I have hurt her that bad?

I grabbed Edward's arm right before he went to step into the clearing of his yard.

"Tell her I'm so sorry." It wasn't a request. He'd better do it. "I – I'll do anything if she can forgive me. Tell her I – I didn't know it worked like that. That's no excuse, but it's what it is. Tell her I understand completely how she . . . feels."

No, that was the biggest lie I'd ever told in my life. But it didn't matter. If it got Nessie to forgive me and not hate me and look at me and talk to me again it was worth it.

Edward nodded. I let his arm go.

"And tell her," I burst out, as he turned to walk away. "Tell her I don't have patrol tonight. Ask her what she wants me to do."

He nodded again. I watched, feeling helpless, as he walked into the clearing and up to the front door and finally, into the house. I couldn't follow. I fucked up and I couldn't even do anything to fix it. Now I just had to sit here and listen.

I crept a little closer to the house once the door shut so I could do just that. I listened as Edward talked for a minute, some father-daughter love bullshit that sounded like it came out of a Hallmark Card.

Then he said, "Jacob came to see me" and Nessie's heart faltered.

"I didn't hear anything. Your mother kept her shield over him."

"I could smell that he was close and I thought you . . . both deserved some privacy to work things out. I did it mostly for you, Renesmee, since you made it obvious you wanted to keep what happened this afternoon private."

Thank you, Bella.

Edward went on to give Nessie a quick rundown of what happened since she left the house. He called me 'extremely remorseful and upset'. Yeah, those were pretty big words for someone who felt so small. Then he gave her my message.

"Upset . . . me?" I could barely make out the words, since she was whispering but it didn't matter. It was my Nessie's voice and I can't believe it'd only been hours since I'd heard it. "Excuse . . . how I f – forgive him?"

I wish she'd said something I could have made sense of.

"And," Edward seemed to be glad to be moving on to something he understood. "To tell you that he didn't have patrol tonight, and ask what he should do."

My heart was literally hammering an imprint – ironic timing for that word to come up, huh? – of itself into my ribs as I waited for her answer. I'm pretty sure I wasn't breathing.

"Tell him to go home."

My heart fucking ripped out, all over again. She didn't need to tell me twice.

I started my stride with two legs and ended it with four, my clothes shredding for the second time that day as I tore out of the clearing.

I sensed another presence in my head. Brady.

_Phase back_, I commanded him. He disappeared off my radar immediately. I hadn't given him a choice.

It hurt much worse, this verbal rejection. When it took the form of words that you couldn't ignore or change or twist around. I imagined Nessie's beautiful face, screwed up with distaste, saying the words.

_Tell him to go home._

I howled.

I tore through the forest without a destination or purpose, just needing to run and run until I forgot. Lose myself in the wolf. Damn, I hadn't felt like that in a while.

An unlucky elk crossed my path and I tore that shit down so quick it wasn't even funny.

I sunk my teeth into his throat and ripped it out. I wasn't hungry, I didn't want to eat.

But I was a wolf and I was hurt and I wanted to hurt something back. It was wrong and it was sick and I didn't care. Nessie would though, if she knew. She would be pissed that I'd killed something I wasn't going to eat. Elk was Nessie's favorite.

I reached down tore a strip of meat off the flank.

I was almost finished when I smelled that sick-sweet smell behind me again.

"Jacob."

A growl rumbled deep in my chest.

"Jacob, calm down." Why were people always telling me that? "Can you phase back? I need to talk to you."

I turned to see him stepping toward me cautiously, his hands out like he was approaching a dangerous animal.

Oh, right.

_What do you want?_

"It's about Nessie."

_What is it?_

"You misunderstood before," he explained. "You ran before you heard it all. She's not angry – she thinks you're upset with her. She told you to go home because she said she didn't clean your room for you to sleep on the ground."

My heart did this weird thing where it . . . filled up. With hope?

_She's not angry?_

"Jacob, you know I can't hear you."

Oh. The shield. Fuck.

"Listen – she's panicking. She's crying again because you're upset." Edward turned around until his back was facing me. "Phase back if you've got something to say to her. I won't look."

Like that's what I care about right now. I phased.

There was blood on my mouth and hands. I could feel it drying in the cold air. My stomach still hurt, but it was an absent kind of pain. A dull throbbing you could push away when you were doing something else.

"She's really not angry?"

"No."

Thank you, Nessie. Thank you so, so, so, so much, my Nessie.

"And she's crying again?"

"Yes."

Shit.

"Go back now then," I commanded him. "Go back and tell her that I got it. And that I'm sorry. Run."

I called after him again though when he got a few steps away. Edward stopped.

"When can I see her?"

"Give her a day, Jacob," he said, and I knew he knew more than he was letting on. "Let her sort everything out.

"Fine. Go."

I was surprised when he obeyed me, turning into a white blur that I lost view of a few seconds later.

So Nessie wasn't angry? She didn't hate me? So, what then? Why did she run? Had it just freaked her out – I mean, of course it had – but was that the only reason? Not because she was disgusted or afraid or . . . please not afraid. Please don't let her ever be afraid of me.

I would give her a day. I would try. And then I would find her and beg for forgiveness.

And then . . . not too long after that, we would be running. Together. Alone. She'd have to trust me. Please let her still trust me.

I took a second, standing naked in the middle of the woods, to think. I could do it. I _would _do it. I would still be Nessie's best friend, if she'd let me. I'd run with her and take care of her. That was a given. I wouldn't let her see it bothering me – it, she's so sweet and kind that it'd hurt her and I've already done enough of that.

I phased back and finished off the elk.

* * *

**Coming up:**

"Hold on to that one, honey," the yellow-haired lady told her as she handed her the change.

I didn't like that. For several reasons. The lesser reason was well, because it was Leah, but the biggest one was Nessie. Even if she didn't want me, it felt wrong to let anyone think I belonged to anyone but her.

I opened my mouth to say something - I'm not sure what - but Leah was already there.

"Oh, no. Oh, please no." She looked a little lost for words too. "Definitely no."


	7. Definitely No

**_A/N: _**Jake's back! I know y'all missed him. I have a little announcement - _Hands on Me_ was nominated for a **_Razzle Dazzle_** award! So if you think the story is deserving, make sure you go vote at _**razzledazzleawards(dot)webs(dot)com**_ when voting starts on the 30th. And keep voting for the **_Sparkle Awards_**, which you can find the link for a few chapters back, I think.

I'm having fun with the bold today, ain't I?

Anyway - poor Jake, right? Stuck without his Ness? Let me know what you think, all right? I'd like some feedback on how I did with Charlie, Billy, Leah and Sue. I tried to get them right. Feel free to PM or review with any questions or whatever. As you can tell from my **A/N**'s, the _HoM_ ones if not these, I love to talk. Or type. Same diff.

**_Disclaimer: _**I do not own any Fall Out Boy songs or anything Twilight related. I do own a Beatles purse that I bought last year in Heathrow airport though. It's awesome.

* * *

Definitely No

* * *

_buzz, buzz, buzz  
__doc, there's a hole where something was_

_- fall out boy, disloyal order of water buffaloes_

-

Okay, so I had time to think and I figured some shit out.

1. Nessie's in love, or at least in lust, with that fucker Seth.

2. Seth has an imprint now, so there's no way in hell he'll even look at Ness, no matter how perfect and thousand times better she is than his imprint.

3. For whatever reason, probably something to do with her being the sweetest girl ever, Nessie doesn't hate me.

4. I may still have a shot.

I also found out some more really weird, fucked up shit the imprint does to your head. Listen to this and tell me it's not insane: Nessie loves Seth, or wants him, at least. He's imprinted, so he'll never be able to think of her like that and I'm . . . relieved by this. Of course I am.

But I'm still pissed at Seth for hurting her. Because it's only a matter of time before she finds out, and it will hurt her.

Yeah, like I said, insane.

I don't want them to be together. It's the last thing I'd ever want, for Nessie to be with anyone besides me. But it's also the last thing I'd ever want for her to be anything but perfectly happy. But it's also crossed my mind that I could . . . order Seth to be with her, and he wouldn't have a choice.

But I would never do that. Unless Nessie asked. I wouldn't be able to tell her no if she did.

Please don't let her ask.

So anyway, my head's been a pretty messed up place to be hanging around for the past day or so. This isn't helped by the fact that I haven't even had my Ness to help calm me down. There have only been about a handful of occasions where I've gone more than twelve hours without talking to her, and it's seriously starting to get to me. I feel like a drug addict going into withdrawal.

I need a Nessie-hit.

I rolled myself out of bed, where I'd been laying restlessly all day feeling miserable for myself and marched out of the front door. I waited until I was under the cover of trees and broke into a distinctly inhuman run. I didn't phase – I couldn't stand the thought of any more people being let in on my misery than was necessary.

I caught her scent, a few hours old, as I jogged into Cullen land. She'd been out. That must mean she was feeling better, right? Right?

I could smell Prozac and Monkey man's scent too, also a few hours old. I felt a little better knowing she hadn't been alone.

Then I smelled another scent, newer, closer, and coming fast. It was also distinctly vampire. The hair on the back of my neck hadn't finished raising by the time I started to calm down again – I recognized it. It was Edward.

And unless he was hand delivering Nessie, I had a feeling I wasn't going to like was he was about to say.

I kept going forward though and we met right when I got to where I could see the house. He was not happy.

"I thought we said a day, Jacob?" He said as he approached me, but I hardly heard him.

Because Nessie was at the window.

My breath caught. Had it really only been a day since I'd seen her?

Her hair was braided back out of her face, but a few curls had escaped and were stirring in the wind. The best was her eyes though, all wide and brown, searching the darkness for something I knew she wouldn't be able to see. They were all . . . bright and . . . and not sad and definitely not hateful. Did she know it was me? Would she be able to catch my scent from here?

I guess I tried to step forward without realizing it, because Edward's freezing cold hand came out to stop me.

"Come on, Edward, just let me see her," I groaned, like I was a teenage boy and not a twenty-four year old werewolf. "I need to see her. I _miss_ her. She's my imprint. You know how it is, you've seen it. I love her, I can't – and I have to apologize. I've gotta let her know how sorry I am, it's killing me."

"No," he told me, squashing my hopes. I don't know why I was letting it except for the fact that ripping Nessie's dad apart and coming busting into her house probably wasn't the best way to win her back over. "We're running on borrowed time with her, we've only got so much left. Only a few hours. Then she's going to be yours for a long time, maybe forever."

I stared at him hard, but had to admit that he had a point. Not one that I agreed with, but a point nonetheless.

"You're not taking my last night."

"I'm going to see her before the wedding," I promised him seriously. "I have to talk to her before . . . everything."

"Fine," he agreed and I felt a little better. "But tomorrow, Jacob, before the wedding. Not tonight."

So, did that mean I had to leave now?

"That would probably be best," Edward said, and I guess Bella was back to giving him full reign over everyone's thoughts. "Go spend some time with your family while I go spend time with mine."

"She is my family," I said back.

Edward's face changed, but I wasn't exactly sure how. "I'll see you tomorrow, Jacob."

I just turned around and walked away, taking one last glance at Nessie in the window. I didn't feel like saying bye. I just wanted to go home and count the hours until I could see her again.

I woke up the next morning – I use that term loosely since I didn't really sleep – pretty amped up. I got to see Nessie today. I wanted to run over to Vamp Land first thing in the morning, but I knew that wouldn't fly and I didn't want to push my chances. There was also a knot of nerves in my stomach though, because in a few short hours me and Nessie would be on the run from psycho vamps. But I would have her, and that was all that mattered.

I also had some Best Manly duties to tend to, I reckon. Charlie asked me after Billy turned him down. He'd really wanted to, but didn't think he'd be able to handle it. And I really did like Charlie – so it was the least I could do. But all I really wanted to do right now was climb into Nessie's bedroom window and beg her to forgive me.

I made myself get up and take a shower and put on some clothes, bribing myself with the promise that Nessie was at the end of it, even if the end of it was several very long hours away. I wolfed down a gallon of milk and a half a box of cereal and then Billy was up, so I helped him get dressed and settled into his chair and we headed out.

I wasn't sure exactly what I was supposed to do as Best Man, besides show up, but I figured heading out to Charlie's house would be the start. That seemed the place most likely to be the center of the chaos and Billy would want to spend the day with Charlie anyway.

I was right. As we pulled up into the now-crowded front yard, I saw a group of workers constructing a huge white tent in the back yard and another, separate group of workers bringing in delicate-looking tables and chairs. I guess sitting at the wedding was out for us wolves – we'd turn those seats into piles of matchsticks.

Alice was standing at the center of it all, looking more scary than someone so tiny should be, orchestrating with an iron fist. Literally.

I looked over to see Billy watching the scene warily.

"You're lucky you've got your own portable seat, old man," I joked, nodding my head towards yet another stack of tiny little chairs. "Looks like I'm going to be standing up the whole night."

He chuckled a little under his breath as I pulled up into the only space not taken up by white vans and cut the engine. I got out, helped Billy into his chair and pushed him into the house where Charlie was sitting in the crowded living room looking ill.

"What's wrong, Charlie?" Billy cracked as I pushed him over beside Charlie's recliner and knocked him on the shoulder. "Were you in the bathroom when they handed out the wedding cheer?"

"I'm just tired," he mumbled, flicking from one game to another. He paused for a second to watch the Broncos make a terrific pass. We all did. "Alice's had me up since about six in the morning. And she won't let me see Sue. _And_ I can hardly hear the game over all the noise they're making out there, not to mention she cuts off the TV every time she comes inside."

Billy kinda stiffened in his seat. I knew he still wasn't comfortable being around vamps, which is why I was so happy when he took to Nessie. I was kinda scared he wouldn't like her, even though it wouldn't have mattered a bit if he didn't. But everyone wants their family to be happy, right?

Speak of the Devil, she came dancing into the room then, shooting me a dirty look. Oh, I forgot. She still hated me for not telling her about the wedding – she'd been toning it down when we met to talk about . . . plans and stuff.

"All right, Charlie, we need to get you upstairs for your last fitting. I've got to make sure the tux is perfect," she said, snatching the remote lightly from his hand and switching the TV off right before somebody was about to make a touchdown. We all groaned. "No use groaning about it, you'll thank me later, come on." She turned to me, eyes narrowed, and pointed a finger and I was suddenly a little scared. Don't tell. "_You_ need to go outside and watch those idiot workers until I'm done with this and make sure they don't break anything, then you need to go pick up the rings from the jewelers and Leah from the salon."

She pulled Charlie up the stairs by the arm, knowing I would do her bidding. We always did. I shrugged at Billy and handed him the remote before I meandered off into the backyard to watch the workers. I was actually kind of glad to have something to do to eat my time. I was still compulsively checking the clock on my cell phone. Which reminded me, I would have to get rid of it before tonight.

Damn, how was it possible for you to want time to slow down and speed up at the same time?

Alice was right, though, the workers really did need watching. After they saw she was gone, they kinda started slamming shit around until I shot a few of them looks and they quit.

She came back out after too long and the workers all started moving a little faster and more efficiently. I was a little pissed they were more scared of her than me.

"All right, you can go get the rings from Lanyard's now," she said, her eyes still narrowed. "_Don't_ lose them. And Leah's at Tanya's Beauty Salon off the highway; call her if you get lost. And make it quick."

I knew where the jewelry shop was, but it took him forever to find the orders. I started to get a little worried for a minute – I didn't want to have to be the one to go back and tell Alice he'd lost the rings. And still, the whole time, Nessie was at the back of my mind.

What was she doing? How was she feeling? Was she excited about Charlie's wedding? We hadn't really talked about it much, I wasn't sure how she felt. Did she miss me anywhere as much as I missed her?

'Course I already knew the answer to that one.

Then Leah was of course Leah when I called her to get directions to the hair place.

"Jacob, you've lived in this stupid place your whole life, and you don't know where the _one_ hair salon in town is?" Just tell me where, Leah. "Aren't you, as Alpha, supposed to be good at finding things? Isn't that a part of what you are?" Leah . . . "Relax, Jacob, it's so loud in here with the hairdryers, nobody can hear me. They're all too hopped up for bingo night to be worrying about my conversation." Leah, I'm serious, if you want to walk home, keep talking. "Okay, fine, whatever. It's by Jackson's Auto – I take it you know where that is? Fine, hurry up. Bye."

I definitely knew where Jackson's Auto was, so I found the place in no time. So that's was that little green building was – I never paid any attention, all the times I'd been by here. I knocked on the door, I wasn't sure why, and stuck my head in. It just seemed like the right thing to do in a building full of women.

"Is, uh . . . Leah here?"

Several middle-aged women looked me up and down and _ooh_'d a little, but it wasn't as creepy as it could have been. It was old Auntie "oh, he's cute" kind of _ooh_ and not the "I might try that myself" kind of _ooh_. Besides, all I cared about was picking Leah's stupid ass up so I could drop her off and be that much closer to getting to see my Ness.

"Leah, _someone's_ here to see you."

No, it was still creepy. Leah didn't seem to like it that much either, because she looked a little grossed out as she walked to the front of the salon. She looked a lot different from usual, all made up, but her facial expression was still exactly the same as always.

She handed some money to an older lady at the front counter. The room smelled like chemicals and nail polish. I know how nail polish smells, unfortunately, because Nessie went through a treat-Jake-like-a-Barbie-doll phase several years back. Still loved every minute.

"Hold on to that one, honey," the yellow-haired lady told her as she handed her the change.

I didn't like that. For several reasons. The lesser reason was well, because it was Leah, but the biggest one was Nessie. Even if she didn't want me, it felt wrong to let anyone think I belonged to anyone but her.

I opened my mouth to say something – I'm not sure what – but Leah was already there.

"Oh, no. Oh, please no." She looked a little lost for words too. "Definitely no."

I leaned back from the door as Leah approached it and let her pull it open herself, feeling a little better that she'd cleared that up. Even though it didn't make that much sense, the point got itself across.

She shuddered once she was outside. "_Gross._"

"Don't tell me about it," I told her, getting into the Rabbit and slamming the door. I let her get in on her own too. She didn't want to act like a girl, she didn't get treated like one. "Where you wanna go?"

"Home," she said, attaching her seatbelt like she needed it. Leah's subtle way of telling me I'm a bad driver. "I need to drive Mom up to Charlie's so that crazy thing can do her hair. I can't believe she's letting her."

"Yeah, 'cause the last I heard, hairspray drives vamps into a frenzy."

I never thought I'd see the day when I was defending a vampire.

"Whatever," she told me, rolling her eyes. She looked around into the backseat like she was searching for something and I knew what she was going to say before she said it. "Where's your little half-leech - aren't you attached at the hip?"

I felt that itching in my chest that meant I was about to growl and pulled it back. "She's at home."

"Got sick of you, did she?"

I think the reason it irritated me so much was because it was true.

"Do you want to walk the fuck home, Leah?"

"I'm just kidding, Jake, damn," she said, and then her face changed a little. It got . . . nicer. "Is everything okay?"

Fuck. Leah always chose the worst times to try and be nice.

"She's fine." Leave it alone for once, Leah.

"You found out anymore about the – "

"We've got it under control," I snapped at her. "We'll let you know when there's information you need."

She shut her mouth then until we pulled up into her driveway.

"You wanna come in and see Mom?" She asked as she got out of the car.

I really didn't. I knew I should, since Sue was kind of like my second Mom growing up and I really should go check on her and say hello, but Seth was probably in there and well, I wasn't sure I knew how not to kill him.

"There isn't a lot of people in there, is there?"

It was a stupid question, but I figured her answer might let me know if Seth was in the house.

"No, not even Seth," she said, and I got out of the car. "He's been running around with that Natalie girl all week. You should see them together – it makes my teeth hurt."

No, I definitely did not want to see that. For two reasons.

The first was I didn't want to see him and her together, him and his imprint, all happy and kissy and God knows what else. I didn't want to be reminded that I probably would never get that. And I also didn't think I could stand to see him with some amazingly average girl and thinking about how much it might hurt Nessie if she saw it. That last one made my stomach hurt two different ways, and neither of them a good one.

Sue was sitting on the couch in her sweats watching As the World Turns, which I knew after growing up around her was her guilty pleasure. She switched it to the local news when I came in. Which was, of course, predicting rain.

"There's the best man now!" She said loudly, spreading her arms out. I leaned down and gave her a hug.

"How you feeling?" I asked as I straightened back up. She motioned for me to sit down but I acted like I didn't see her. "Any nerves?"

"Bundles," she deadpanned, deciding I guess that the embarrassment was worth it and switching it back to As the World Turns. But she kinda smiled. "I'm about as jittery as a virgin on prom night. I was wondering just a minute ago if I could make it to the Canadian border before it got dark."

I shifted slightly and smiled back, a little uncomfortable.

"Let me know if you need a wolf-ride," I joked back. "We're pretty fast."

"Nah, I'll just ask Leah," she told me, her eyes glued to a woman with orange hair who was dying for what was probably about the fifteenth time. "She owes me for the whole giving birth thing."

"Oh, okay."

Then I heard an engine, slowing down on the road by the house, and I was a lot uncomfortable.

"Well, all right then," I said, already backing towards the door. Leah shot me a look – I knew she'd heard too. "I'll see you tonight, Sue. Good luck and call me if you need anything, all right?"

"All right, Jacob."

She was still lost in all the drama of mediocre daytime television that she didn't notice my weirdness. I waved bye and backed out the door, nearly running to the car. I saw Seth's truck pulling into the driveway from the rearview mirror, a small red-haired girl seated beside him.

"Oh, Jake's here," I heard him say through the rolled down windows. "You'll get to meet him. I told you about him, he's . . . he's kinda like my boss. He's really cool."

Sorry, Seth. Not today.

I cranked the car and sped out of the driveway, not looking back to see the weird looks I'm sure I was getting. I wasn't dealing with that shit now.

I shifted in my seat as I got back on the highway, pulling my phone out of my jeans to check the time since the clock in my car was busted. I'd been so busy lately, I hadn't had time to fix it.

One-thirty.

I needed to take the rings back. I needed to see Ness. I hoped that freaking little pixie didn't have anything else for me to do.

Turns out, she did.

* * *

**Coming up:**

"Hello, dog."

That smile couldn't bode well for me.

"'Sup, Blondie."

I was surprised she could manage the motion with that tight dress on when she walked slowly up to me. I stiffened but kept myself from stepping back. She leaned forward, wrinkling her nose, and sniffed me.

"Have you showered?" She asked me. "You know I can't ever tell."

"Yeah, I'm good." And since I liked to screw with her, "I just took one a couple of weeks ago."


	8. No Fly, Ms Barbie

**_A/N: _**Hello everyone! As I'm sure most of you know, Jake's about to start feeling a lot better, followed promptly by feeling a lot worse but that's next chapter. Anywho, read and review. You know the drill. Writing Jake is just too fun.

**_Disclaimer: _**Not Jake, not Twilight, not even a +44 song. And the music of their's that I do have, I didn't even obtain legally. LimeWire is just too addictive for lazy people. Ooh, I do own the chapter title though, which I think is awesome. Correct me if I'm wrong.

* * *

No Fly, Ms. Barbie

* * *

_just tell me that you're all right  
__and that everything is all right_

_- +44, everything's all right_

-

I was tying ribbons.

Around colored, chocolate-covered almonds.

I was a six-foot-seven, two hundred fifty pound, twenty-four year old _werewolf_, and I was tying ribbons around tiny lace bags of colored almonds.

And it was 3:45. Fuck.

I stared across at Bella, who was helping me, her tiny fingers and vampy speed meaning she was getting through them a lot faster than me. She already had her hair and make-up done too, the exact same as Leah.

"Where's that crazy little thing?" I asked, since I actually liked Leah's name for Alice.

"Not here," Bella said, shrugging. She looked up at me, her eyes all light since she'd hunted a few days ago. "Go on, Jacob. It's not fair we've kept you waiting all day. Don't worry about Edward and Alice - just go."

I stood immediately up and pulled my keys from my pocket. She didn't need to tell me twice.

I kind of looked around at the half-bowl of almonds and stack of bags and for about half a second, felt a little bad about leaving her hanging.

"You don't – need help or - ?"

Bella laughed a little, a wind-chimey, vampy sound. Nothing like Nessie's.

"I'm about to carry it all up to my old room where I can get through them a lot faster," she told me, shooting a look towards Charlie, who was still watching SportsCenter with Billy on the couch a few feet away. "You've already done so much." We suddenly weren't talking about almonds anymore. "You don't know how much it means to us – just go see her."

I would have hugged her, except I was in a hell of a hurry to get out of there. I left the door at almost a run.

My heart got more erratic the closer I got. I was fixing to see Nessie and literally everything depended on her reaction in just a few short minutes. Alice came flying out of the house the second I stepped out of the car and my whole body stiffened. I wasn't playing this shit anymore. I'd been a good boy, I'd waited my time, and now I was going to see my girl.

But all she did was run up to me and whisper threateningly, "You'd better be a good little puppy and listen to Rosalie" before she zoomed off. I had no idea what she was talking about and I didn't really care at this point.

I took few deep breaths as I climbed the steps, and then I stepped into the house.

The sight waiting for me might have been appealing to some guys, but the only female I ever wanted to lay eyes on again was my Nessie and since it wasn't her, I could really care less. It also didn't help that I hated the bitch.

"Hello, dog."

That smile couldn't bode well for me.

"'Sup, Blondie."

I was surprised she could manage the motion with that tight dress on when she walked slowly up to me. I stiffened but kept myself from stepping back. She leaned forward, wrinkling her nose, and sniffed me.

"Have you showered?" She asked me. "You know I can't ever tell."

"Yeah, I'm good." And since I liked to screw with her, "I just took one a couple of weeks ago."

"Ugh." Seriously, what the fuck was up with her and where was Nessie? "Renesmee's in the shower. She won't be ready for awhile, and you need to get ready for the wedding. And since concepts as simple shirts seem to elude you, it's very doubtful you'll be able to dress yourself in a tuxedo properly."

I shot down the thought of Nessie in the shower since Edward might still be in the house. "And?"

Her smile was like an incision. "And I've been given the . . . pleasure of assisting you."

"You get to dress me, huh?" I asked, my heart sinking a little as I realized I wasn't going to get to see Nessie for a good minute. I guess I'd just as well have as much fun as I could while I waited. "Isn't it your lucky day? How does Monkey Man feel about all of this?"

Blondie scoffed a little and made a disgusted kind of face. Trust me, I feel exactly the same.

She turned and walked away from me with a little air that I guess meant I was supposed to follow. I didn't have nothing else to do, since Nessie was otherwise occupied, and I guess it couldn't hurt to get spiffed up. Maybe she'd even notice.

Blondie led me to a spare bedroom where there were an awful lot of pieces of clothing laying on the bed.

"Put the boxers, pants, under and dress shirts on and then come back out," she instructed me, flipping her hair back like I cared. She narrowed her eyes at me again when I walked past. "And make sure you put the underwear on. I know _your_ kind usually go without."

Maybe another person would have been uncomfortable, but I didn't give a shit about Blondie and what she thought.

"I didn't know you paid so much attention." I pretended to look around. "There's not a camera or anything in here, is there?"

"Just change," she told me, and pulled the door shut.

I did, since like I said, I had nothing else to do. And truthfully, Blondie was right. I wouldn't be able to figure out this contraption on my own.

I managed the four pieces she trusted me with alone all right, even though the boxers were a little uncomfortable. Even though they were silk. Who wore silk boxers? What man wore silk anything?

I tucked both shirts in, did my pants up, and opened the door. Blondie was waiting with her arms crossed and her back to me. She turned when the door opened.

I heard the shower upstairs cut off. My heart sped up.

"Took you long enough."

She sauntered past me into the room and picked up some weird, wrap-around looking thing. The she started walking towards me with it.

"What the fuck is that?"

"It's called a cummerbund, you stupid mutt."

"Well, what do I do with it, Ice Queen?" I said, fluttering my eyelashes and pretending to be sweet.

"You wear it," she gritted out, and kind of lunged for me but I stepped out of the way.

"Wow, are blondes still stupid even when they're bloodsuckers?" I asked, skirting around so my back was to the door and I wasn't fenced in. "Your aim is really bad. You probably miss the deer a lot, huh?"

"You tick-infested, mangy mutt," she growled at me, her eyes narrowing even more.

"Yes," I told her, nodding like she just got something obvious. "And I'm not wearing it."

"Then you'll wear the vest."

Vest I could do. I nodded.

Blondie grabbed the tie, one of the few pieces I recognized, off the bed and marched towards me. No way in hell I was letting her tie something _around my neck_.

"No fly, Ms. Barbie."

"Do it yourself, then."

"Like I'm letting you get anywhere near my neck. Tie it first and I'll put in on."

She had it done in three quick motions. I was a little jealous.

"Here, louse."

I took it from her, careful not to touch her icy skin, and pulled it over my head. Blondie smiled when I winced as I tightened it, like she was imagining it jumping to life and strangling me. I was imagining the same thing with that big ole' necklace of hers.

"Now the vest."

I grabbed it before she could and pulled it on, buttoning it up. I was getting hot – this was just way too many layers, and we weren't even done yet.

Blondie held the jacket out to me imperiously.

"And then you can take off those ridiculous shoes and change into the real ones at the foot of the bed." She walked out of the room, turning back to look at me. "Come into the living room when you're done."

I had a feeling I wasn't done yet. The shower cut on again and I groaned. What was Nessie doing?

I pulled off my tennis shoes and old socks and pulled on the new, Alice-approved socks and shoes which were much less comfortable but I admit, more suitable for a wedding. I checked myself out and the mirror and thought I looked a little like a douche, but maybe it was just me.

I headed into the living room where Blondie was waiting for me with a hairbrush and a fucking ribbon. Oh, hell no.

"No ribbons, Blondie," I told her seriously.

"You don't have a choice," she said, making my temper flare. She handed out the brush. "Take your hair down – it's too late to do anything about the fleas now – brush it, and put it back up. Now."

"I'm not brushing shit," I told her, snatching my hair out and raking my fingers through it before I pulled it back again. That would have to be good enough. It was a wedding, not the Oscars. "And you've got another thing coming if you think you're sending me anywhere with a _bow_ in my hair."

Blondie stared at me for a long minute, and then she lunged.

Five minutes and what would have been two fistfuls of hair if hers wasn't all vampy-unbreakable later, I was sitting on the couch with a fucking bow glued into my hair. Blondie was in some other part of the house, still shrieking about me messing up her hair. That was the only thing that made this a little bit bearable.

That, and the fact that Nessie would be coming down soon. I hope.

Jasper walked in a few minutes later, already dressed and looking a hell of a lot more comfortable than I felt in my tux.

He sat beside me and I was wondering why for a minute before he said, "We've got everything. Papers, money, all of it. You've both got passports, you have one ID and Nessie has two. You're to be Jacob Wolfe, aged twenty-seven and she's Vanessa Green, aged eighteen. She has another ID that names her as Vanessa Wolfe."

My heart leaped into my throat. Were we going to pretend to be married?

"Her passport says the same. She can hardly pass for eighteen and the easiest way to assure there are no problems with getting visas and being legal and etcetera is to pose as a married woman. Some countries don't even allow women to enter without a male relation."

Okay, okay. My brain tried to take it all in as he kept talking.

"Alice won't know, of course, until he decides to come, but it looks like he'll close in during the wedding. She's searched through all the holes and the only thing that seems to work is running right when he comes. She, of course, can't see you – only him, but it's the only thing that keeps him visible. We'll let you know when."

Obviously.

"Bella will keep a bag with the money, papers, and a phone and charger with her that she'll give to Renesmee right before she leaves. I'll make sure you get a set of keys to the Porsche, since that's what car you'll be using. It's fast and as inconspicuous as you can hope to get without losing quality, but I don't have to tell you that."

He paused and shut his eyes for a minute like he was trying to remember what else he had to say.

"We're going to be doing our best to track and capture him, but he's good at eluding, so the best we can hope for is to keep him off of you for awhile. You'll have to lead a paperless life. We've wiped down the Porsche with the strongest disinfectant it can handle so there's no scent for the tracker to follow. We want to leave him with a dead end, so you can't take any clothes or possessions with you. You'll have more than enough money to buy what you need when you get . . . where you're going."

"Where are we going?"

"Alice will call you right after you leave and have you decide where to go. She'll tell you the best route to take, the safest one."

I made sure to commit every word to memory. I wasn't playing with Nessie's safety. I didn't like that we had to cut it so close, that we had to let him get that near but Alice said we had no choice. And I wasn't betting against her, crazy as she was.

"Take care of her."

Jasper had always been a little distant, even with Ness, but I could tell then just how much he meant to her. How much she meant to all of us, me most of all.

"I will." Was there really any other answer? "I will if it kills me."

"She loves you."

My stomach clenched. I tried not to wince.

"I know she does."

Just not the right way. Just not enough.

Jasper got up and left then and there was nothing to do but think and wait.

I was being entrusted with Nessie's life. The weight of that settled heavy on my shoulders but I didn't sink under it. I knew I could do it. I would do it. I had never wanted anything more. It was my entire purpose, to protect my girl. It was my only reason for life.

I wasn't sure about a lot of things, but the one thing I was is that Nessie would be all right. As long as I was alive, she would be safe.

I heard a kind of snort-chuckle that I'd heard a thousand times before and my head shot up so fast it wasn't funny.

And there she was.

Nessie was standing at the bottom of the stairs, looking more perfect that she ever had. Because she was there, here, right in front of me and I couldn't even think.

I jumped up.

"Jacob – "

My name had never sounded so good.

"Oh, Nessie, I'm so sorry!" I burst out, rushing over to her. I had to say this – she had to hear it. "I'm such an idiot – I should have never – "

"No, Jacob, I'm sorry. It's all my fault – " Was she crazy? "And then I acted like such a baby and ran – "

" – and you had every right to, I can't believe I – "

" – and I'm sorry I haven't talked to you, but I was upset and then Mom and Dad said I should wait – "

" – no, no, I deserve it, Nessie!" How was she apologizing to me? "You should never talk to me again, I can't believe you're even standing here – "

" – and then I just didn't know what to say, and I was so afraid you'd be angry, so I'm just really, really – "

" – and I just kept kicking myself, I was sure you wouldn't have to even look at me anymore, so I just wanna say – "

" – sorry!"

We both finished at the same time and something almost like a smile flitted across Nessie's beautiful face.

She took a small step closer to me. I needed to touch her.

"So – so you're not mad at me?"

Mad at you? Mad at you?

"No!" What else could I say? "How – what d'you – why would _I_ be mad at _you_?"

"Because – " She cast around for words and I loved her so much. "Because I almost ruined everything, because I –

"You? I'm the one who – who – "

"Can we still be friends?"

That stopped me. Straight up.

Whatever I had been fixing to say when straight out of my head. Did she think . . . I wouldn't want to be friends with her? That I would be angry with her for . . . rejecting me to the point that I didn't want her at all?

"Of course, Nessie." I had to push it through to her that this was not her fault. "If you still want me, that is."

Then she said, "I always want you."

And Nessie, so sweet, so innocent, so naïve, had no idea what that did to me. My love for her came roaring up, and my lust too, even though I tried to beat it back. I _needed_ to touch her.

"Ness, can – can I – I mean, I understand after everything if you don't want to, but – can I hug you?"

I felt like such a punk, pushing to touch her again so soon after what had happened but I couldn't help it. I missed her and I loved her and I needed her and she was right there and still so far away. I didn't even breathe while I waited for her answer.

"Of course, Jacob," she said quietly, and my heart soared. Her cheeks tinged pink. "I understand if _you_ don't want to, but you don't even have to ask."

I couldn't wait. I closed the space between us and snatched her up and God, she felt so good. She wrapped her arms around my neck and pressed her cheek into my shoulder and I knew I never wanted to be anywhere else. As cheesy as it sounds, she was all I ever wanted. And she had forgiven me.

I pressed my face into her soft neck and breathed in deep. I didn't care if it was overstepping boundaries, even though I really should have, especially after everything because she smelled so sweet and for now she was right there.

After a second, I felt Nessie start to pull back from me a little and I kind of panicked. Had I done it again?

She just arched back until she was looking me in the face – I had her lifted clear off the ground – and held a tiny palm up to my face.

"Can I do something?"

"W-what?" She wasn't going to try to see inside my head again, was she?

"I just – I just want to show you something," she said quietly, her cheeks getting a little darker. "I want to show you how happy I am and how sorry."

How happy.

"Oh." I leant my cheek into Nessie's tiny palm. I missed sharing this connection with her, but something about what she said bothered me. "But don't show me how sorry you are, because that'll only make me feel bad."

Her soft fingertips tightened on my face then, pressing lightly down, and I felt Nessie open the connection between us.

Overwhelming joy, almost as strong as mine right now, flooded through me, straight into my blood and coursed through my veins. I felt regret too, and a different kind of happiness, one of . . . redemption. She was funneling my feelings back to me exactly.

Was that how Nessie felt?

And then a final burst of happiness exploded through, the exact way I felt when I'd pulled Nessie up into my arms and I couldn't help but hold her tighter.

Despite everything, I'd never felt closer to her than I did then. If . . . if she loved me that much, even if it wasn't like _that_, I think I'd be able to do this. If she loved me that much.

Nessie pulled her hand away from my face then and if I wasn't a werewolf with extreme body temperature and didn't know that even the idea was ridiculous, I would have said that I felt cold. She was looking up at me shyly, her perfect bottom lip caught between her teeth.

I loved her so much.

And then, like a fucking punk, I realized my eyes were actually getting wet. I was that fucking happy to have her back. I forced the feeling down.

"Th-thank you." I couldn't help but pull her closer, slide her cheek against mine and breathe in her sweet scent.

For loving me. For putting up with me. For not hating me.

"Thank you so much, Ness."

* * *

**Coming up:**

"Thank you," Nessie said, a little shakily. Probably had something to do with just having been pretty much upside down. It physically hurt to take my hands off of her. "For the dance."

I'll give you so much more than a dance, Ness, if you'll only let me. I'll give you every dime I've got. I'll give you every second of the rest of my life. I'll give you the sun and the fucking moon. I'll give you my eyes. Right here, right now, pluck them out and give them to you. The only regret I'd have was that I wouldn't get to see you anymore.

But of course I couldn't say any of that, so I just nodded. Just nodded, like a mute. I smelled Emmett coming up behind me so I backed off and let him take my space.


	9. Some Real Unnecessary Shit

**_A/N:_ **Hey guys - I'm back! I'm back home and although things are a little hectic, I'll think I'll be able to get back on schedule. So we're back to Monday's and Thursday's again. Well, this story was never technically on the Mon-Thur schedule but _HoM_ of course was and I update the POVs in tandem. Just thought I'd give y'all an extra little update for being so patient. If you're still there.

And please, please, please keep voting for _Hands on Me_ in **_The Sparkle Awards_** and **_The Razzle Dazzle Award_**s. Also, _Undeniable_ was nominated for (I believe) Best Use of Comedy WIP at the Indies Twific Awards. So when it's time, please vote for it also if you think it deserves it.

Now, about the chapter: it's of course an important one and I feel good about it so I hope y'all will too. I think I got inside Jacob's mind just right. Also, tell me what you think of Claire and her interaction with Quil.

_**Disclaimer:** _I don't own Twilight, any Fall Out Boy songs or anything else you may recognize. I also do not own the YouTube video of Skinny!TaylorLautner acting gay and carrying on about some guy named Bob, but it's funny as hell. Google it if you haven't already. I, as usual, do own the chapter title though. Which I always enjoy coming up with.

* * *

Some Real Unnecessary Shit

* * *

_say my name and his in the same breath  
i dare you to say they taste the same_

_- fall out boy, i don't care_

-

You know what I don't like? Unnecessary shit that doesn't make any sense.

Like, let's say, arranging a wedding party. You have the Best Man, the Maid of Honor, and two bridesmaids and groomsmen each. Okay, I get that the Best Man and Maid of Honor have to walk the aisle and dance together, I get that. It makes sense.

Here's where the unnecessary shit comes in.

Say one of the bridesmaids is the groom's daughter and one of the groomsmen is the bride's son – wouldn't it make sense to dance together? Wouldn't that make the most sense?

Or would it make more sense for a family friend to dance with the groom's daughter while the bride's son dances with a girl who, for all intents and purposes, is just a distant friend?

Yeah, some real unnecessary shit was going on here.

It was real unnecessary for Seth to be holding Nessie that close. Didn't he have an imprint? And she was smiling unnecessarily big.

And his hand was unnecessarily low on her waist when he dipped her unnecessarily back.

I was about to very necessarily rip somebody's neck off.

"Jake," Leah's voice snatched me back into awareness of something other than Nessie smiling up at Seth. "If you dance me into a chair, I'm going to knee you in the nads."

"Shut up, Leah."

Seriously, how was I supposed to hear what had Nessie so interested when she wouldn't shut up? And fuck, even with my werewolf hearing, I couldn't catch it. Alice had the music so damn loud and everybody was talking so damn much and that little fucker Seth kept dancing Nessie away every time I got a little close.

Here's some more unnecessary shit: why not me? I mean, I know, I know, it's the age old question, but seriously. Why not me?

If Nessie . . . I mean, if she liked big guys, I was as big as they got. Bigger than Seth, taller. Definitely stronger. If it was dark skin she liked, I had that too. Was it the hair? I'd shave my head in a heartbeat if she didn't like it long, but she'd told me before – and even today, in not as many words – that she liked it the way it was. Nessie's always liked it longer, even when she was really little. She said it was easier to pull.

So what was it then?

I'm not trying to be a dick or anything, I'm no Mr. America and Seth isn't ugly, but I guess I'm a little more good looking. I had a better . . . job, if you wanted to call it that. I was Alpha.

So what the hell was it?

It couldn't be personality. I was made for her – to love her, protect her, take care of her – my personality was perfectly suited to hers. That was how the imprint worked. What was it?

Maybe Ness just didn't see that. Maybe I just had to show her.

The song finally ended, the only thing in the last half an hour that was actually necessary. I was done dancing with Leah, but I wasn't done dancing.

I had to show Nessie how it was done.

But damn it, Edward got to her first. And I tried to wait – I swear I tried to – I knew it was his last few hours with her and I was a selfish bastard for thinking about taking any of that time away when I was about to have days and days of it ahead of me, but I couldn't. I couldn't wait.

I couldn't stand the thought of her thinking back on the wedding and just remembering her dance with Seth. I had to give her something to remember too. Even though I'm sure by the end of the night she'd have a whole new list of reasons to remember it by.

Edward stiffened when I came up behind him. He stopped dancing and gave me a look to kill. Nessie's eyes fluttered open and focused on me and for a second I was stunned by them. I always was.

"Can I cut in?" I asked once I found my voice.

"Jacob, is now really the time?"

Yes. Now is always the time. Now, now, now, I need her now.

"Just the rest of the dance," I persuaded. "Then I'll give her back, I promise."

Nessie looked back and forth between us for a second and her face changed.

"I want to dance with Jake," she said loudly, sending my heart flying all over the place. "I'll dance another dance with you later, Dad, I promise."

Even Edward's steel will couldn't hold out under those eyes so a second later he kissed her forehead and let her go.

"All right, Renesmee but I'm going to hold you to that. Remember that we're leaving early."

Shit. Psycho vamps. How did I keep forgetting when it was all I could think about?

Ness looked a little confused but she seemed to shake it off. She looked up at me shyly, I wasn't sure why.

After a few seconds, I reached down and put my hands on her waist. I kinda ducked my head at her to make sure it was all right – I didn't want to make her uncomfortable, but she just smiled at me so sweetly and I knew it was okay. I laughed when she stretched up to put her arms around my shoulders. She was so short, even in those monster heels.

"You're so small," I told her, since I wasn't sure what else to say. I also couldn't help grinning like an idiot.

She rolled her eyes, but continued to sway with me, letting me lead her. My stomach clenched. "Just to you, because you're massive."

I got an idea then. Since the way my brain worked was to constantly think of ways to bring her closer to me.

"Here," I said, and lifted her lightly onto my feet. She didn't weigh a thing – I hardly even felt her. "Now you're closer."

"And I also look like a five-year-old."

No, Nessie, you definitely do not look like a five year old.

I told her this, removing the 'definitely' and adding, "You look like a sixteen year old, as you point out to me at every opportunity. Just a very tiny sixteen year old."

"Well, since I no longer have control over my feet, you can dance, and I'll just stand here," she told me, and then she leaned into my chest.

Fine by me. Please let this be a long-ass song.

"So, am I a better dancer than Seth?"

Fuck. I seriously didn't mean to say that. What the hell was wrong with me?

"Eh," she said first, shrugging her shoulders like she didn't care. My heart dropped a little. Then she said, "I'd say you have a shade more talent."

That made me way happier than it should. I grinned like a dumbass until I remembered Nessie's interesting conversation and it wiped off my face just like that.

"What were you talking about?"

Didn't mean to say that either.

"Nothing much."

Yeah, that was a lie. It hurt, too.

"I missed you, you know," I burst out, and I didn't care that I hadn't meant to say it. She needed to know. "The past few days. A lot."

"I missed you too, Jake," she almost-whispered. "So much. I just didn't know what to say and then – "

"I know," I cut her off, pulling her back into my chest. She didn't need to apologize to me again. I couldn't help but brush my mouth across her hair a little. It smelled so good. "I know."

Not just that, it looked really nice too, even though it always did. It was done the exact same as Leah and Bells but on Nessie it just looked so much better, and her hair was long, waving all the way down her back. And Alice had made her all up, her full lips bright red and more tempting than ever. And her dress –

"You look really pretty tonight," I told her, to keep my thoughts from wandering and because she needed to know. "I haven't really seen you all dressed up before, and I . . . I didn't really notice earlier."

I was too glad to just have you back in my arms.

"You look nice too Jake," she said, and my stomach literally did a flip at that. Even if she was only being polite. I didn't care. "Better without the bow and jacket."

"Yeah?" I knew it. "Thanks, then, I guess."

The music started to build up, something inside me building with it, and I remembered the reason I had asked Ness to dance in the first place. To show her I could do any and everything better than Seth.

"Hey, Ness?"

"Yeah?" She asked, her brown eyes flitting up to my face, and then I dipped her.

Well, first I pulled her up my body. I slid one hand down her back and the other up to her neck to support her as I tipped her all the way back. Her tiny body arched gracefully under me until her hair brushed the floor.

The music leveled out at exactly the right moment. Thank God for that piece of luck.

Nessie gripped my arms hard and her heart seriously started freaking out. She was so close, I could almost feel it pounding in her chest. Was she scared? Did she think I would drop her?

"Jacob Black," she whispered breathlessly, and our faces were so close. Everything was so close. "Lift me back right now."

"Don't you trust me?" I tried to sound like I was teasing, but I really needed to know. Ness needed to trust me. I dropped her another inch and her leg reached to grip around mine. Oh, shit. "I would never drop you, Nessie. You know that."

You have to know that.

"I know that." I could tell from her eyes she was telling the truth. "Just let me up, Jacob. Please?"

She'd asked, and I couldn't help but give Nessie everything she wanted as soon as she asked. I pulled her back up slowly, making sure I didn't hurt her back as she came out of a perfect arch. Everything about her was perfect.

And when she was all the way back up, our faces were level. She grabbed onto my shoulders hard as the blood rushed back into her head, her cheeks a bright pink. I wanted to kiss her again.

This should have been our wedding dance.

I know it's fucked up, because she doesn't want me like that and she's only – at the very best you can push it to – sixteen, but it doesn't change how I feel. I still wanted to be her husband – for her to be my wife. I wanted to hold her and touch her and take care of her, not because she was my imprint, but because she was my wife and she was mine. I wanted to be the only man to ever touch her, kiss her, look at her.

Damn it, I wanted to make her mine. In every conceivable way possible.

And then she gave this little innocent sigh as I slid her back down to the ground and it didn't help me at all.

The song ended.

"Thank you," Nessie said, a little shakily. Probably had something to do with just having been pretty much upside down. It physically hurt to take my hands off of her. "For the dance."

I'll give you so much more than a dance, Ness, if you'll only let me. I'll give you every dime I've got. I'll give you every second of the rest of my life. I'll give you the sun and the fucking moon. I'll give you my eyes. Right here, right now, pluck them out and give them to you. The only regret I'd have was that I wouldn't get to see you anymore.

But of course I couldn't say any of that, so I just nodded. Just nodded, like a mute. I smelled Emmett coming up behind me so I backed off and let him take my space.

Edward and Bella were looking at me kinda weird, but not like they wanted to suck my blood or anything, not that I really cared at this point. We only had a couple of hours left at the most and then every fiber of my being would be focused on keeping Nessie one hundred percent safe. Excuse me if I wanted a few minutes of quality time before that.

I nodded at them and went to go sit by Billy. Quil and Embry were with him, sitting on those tiny little chairs.

I eyed them carefully as I walked up and tried to make my face look like I was thinking about other things than Nessie. "Those things hold?"

"Yeah, man," Quil said, pulling out one for me. "They're surprisingly strong."

I lowered myself onto it gradually and was surprised when it didn't even groan or shift under my weight. I guess Alice knew what she was doing after all.

Little Claire appeared from the small crowd a few minutes later, holding a small glass plate in her hand. A small glass plate that was full with a huge slice of cake. My mouth watered. I hadn't eaten since this morning.

"Here, Quil!" She said, sitting it in front of him and handing him a napkin and a fork. He told her thanks and gave her a look I was sure I'd seen on my face a thousand times. "Is it enough?"

"Yeah, this is awesome, Claire-bear," he told her and I saw her flinch at the nickname. "But where's yours?"

"I didn't want to carry more than one at a time in case I dropped anything," she said, reaching forward to steal a swipe of icing from Quil's plate. "I'm going back for mine now. You want any, Uncle Jake?"

Uncle Jake. I still wasn't used to that.

"I'll get my own, Claire, don't worry about it," I told her. She was sweet – I really liked the kid. Nessie did too. "Do you need help getting yours?"

"I'm fine, Uncle Jake," she told me, rolling her eyes. "Don't be like Quil. I'm _ten_ now, you know."

She sounded like someone else I knew. Although Nessie had a much better case.

Claire flounced away to get her own cake and I saw Quil debating with himself whether or not to go after her after she tripped a little making her way through the crowd. Which reminds me (like I had forgotten) – I searched the crowd for Nessie.

She was still dancing, with Jasper this time, her hair swirling around her as he spun her. She was so gorgeous. The song ended and I saw Nessie search the crowd too, a little breathless. She met my eyes and smiled. My stomach tightened and then she started into the next song with Charlie.

Claire came back a few seconds later with another plate with a much smaller serving of cake and a small glass cup nestled carefully between her side and elbow. Quil rushed to help her set both down and then she settled herself easily into his lap to eat since I had taken her chair.

I watched them for a minute and thought about how it had been when it was like that for me and Nessie.

Quil seemed to catch what I was thinking, because he looked quickly to Billy and Embry (who were in an intense discussion over the Cowboys) and then to the dance floor where I knew Nessie was still dancing.

"Funny how things change, huh?" He said, sounding kind of like an old soldier and not a twenty-three year old guy. "You're – I'm probably gonna need your advice when things start to . . . change."

"You'll do all right," I promised him, wanting to move on from this subject as quickly as possible. Why was everyone wanting to talk about imprinting all of a sudden? "It's pretty much instinctual."

"I hope so," he said, running his hand up and down Claire's arm a little as he said it.

Alice appeared then – I swear to God I had never been so glad to see her – with literally about a half layer of the cake on a huge tray and set it down in front of us. She tossed down a handful of forks.

"Knock yourselves out," she instructed, and we didn't need to be told twice. "Just try to remember you're in public, all right?"

Since Quil and Claire had already had cake and Claire wanted to dance, they obviously went off to do that. Which left me and Embry to finish off the massive slab of cake. We had no problem with that, of course. I kind of felt bad for Billy since he couldn't have any but Alice came back a second later with a huge slice of something that was supposed to be sugar-free cake. Probably tasted like shit, but Billy seemed to like it and it made me feel less bad.

I of course kept watching Nessie from the corner of my eye, as she moved onto dancing with the women in her family but I managed to keep up with the conversation at the table all right. It was nice to hang out with Billy and the guys for a minute, since I hadn't in a while and didn't know when I would get to again.

Claire came back to join Quil after a dance with Nessie, all red-cheeked and breathless.

"Oh my God," she said as she climbed back into Quil's lap. "That was so fun! Nessie's the best dancer ever!"

I couldn't help but smile. She wasn't the only one who thought so.

"By the way," she said, turning back to look at Quil. "It's not fair that's she's allowed to wear make-up and I'm not."

Claire didn't know about the wolves or the imprint yet, but the little fact of Nessie's abrupt growth couldn't be kept from her. She kinda saw it. It was weird how she accepted it as something just normal for Nessie. Quil had talked to her though about how important it was not to mention to anyone that Nessie was younger than her.

Quil immediately looked uncomfortable. Claire grew a lot slower than Nessie did, so he was in for a much longer ride.

"Nessie's parents and your parents aren't the same." Wow – he sounded like a dad. Did I used to sound like that? "It's Nessie's business what her parents let her do."

"It's you that doesn't let me wear make-up, Quil," Claire shot back, narrowing her little eyes and I almost laughed. "You and Dad. Mom doesn't care and you know it."

"Well, you're ten," he told her, and I could hear him getting ready to lay down the law. "That's too young. No arguing."

Claire seemed a little miffed, but I could tell this was a conversation that had been had before so she wasn't exactly heartbroken. But seriously, I could see Quil's point. Probably because I was in such a unique position to understand.

"Whatever," she said, rolling her eyes and sliding off of Quil's lap again and I could almost see his arms wanting to pull her back. "I'm going to go see if Emily will let me feel the babies again."

Quil and I watched her go, my eyes inevitably wandering to find Nessie. I found her sitting at a table looking up confusedly around her. All her family was standing up – Edward met my eyes and I knew exactly what was going on.

I stood up.

"You leavin', son?"

Billy's tone let me know he knew what was up, even if I hadn't told him. I felt like the shittiest son ever. We both knew this wasn't regular leaving.

"Yeah."

I reached out and touched his shoulder, because I didn't know what else to do. We weren't exactly the 'I love you, hug me' kind.

"Well, be safe." I felt really bad for a second about leaving him, but Rachel and Paul would be back from visiting our sister in Hawaii soon and then he wouldn't be alone. "And keep in touch, when you can."

I nodded, since I couldn't promise either of those.

Quil and Embry stood up and slapped my back.

"Let us know what to do," Embry said quietly.

"Phase in once in awhile," Quil added.

"You know I will."

I left then, because I had to. There wasn't time to waste. Nessie and I had to get the fuck out now.

Bella was dragging Nessie over to Charlie, to say bye I guess, and my heart was pounding in my throat. There wasn't _time_.

"Alice saw him," Edward muttered out of the corner of his mouth. He passed me a set of keys. "He's on his way. You've got to go."

Everything started moving fast and slow at the same time – that's the only way I could explain it. My brain kicked over into instinct, over-gear, going a thousand miles a minute.

I shadowed Bella as she led Nessie out to the Porsche somebody had parked in front of Charlie's house. Bella thrust a black bag I'd seen before, seven years ago, at Nessie and then gripped her tight.

There was a flurry of everyone rushing to hug and kiss Ness and I was getting fucking impatient. I loved her too but we had to go. I felt like I could almost feel the little fucking leech closing in. The hair on my neck stood up.

Bella threw her freezing arms around my neck and whispered, "Please keep her safe, Jacob. We love you both so much, please be safe."

Then I guess I had to hug everybody too, so I did it quick. Jasper and Emmett clapped me on the shoulder, which probably would have normally hurt but I couldn't really feel anything besides urgency right now.

Then Blondie reached through the crowd and fucking hugged me. Her breath hitched and I'd spent enough time with vamps over the past seven years to know what that meant.

"Take care of her, Jacob, please."

I probably would have said something back, I don't know what, but then Alice whispered "now" and I seriously wasn't about to wait another second. I pulled away from her and flew over to the drivers' side, Bella shoving Nessie in next to me a second later. I cranked the car the same time the door slammed and then I wasn't waiting any fucking more.

I snatched the gear out of park and slammed the gas.

I vaguely noticed Nessie's heart doing jumping jacks next to me, but I really couldn't worry about that now. I had to worry about getting her out. She scrambled on her knees beside me, turning around and trying to look back. She sat back down a second later and didn't say anything.

"Shit!"

I was literally flooring the gas pedal, but the car wouldn't move any faster. I was already up to about a hundred and thirty but it wasn't enough. Three hundred and thirty wasn't fast enough.

Please, please, please, please, please, please, please.

I was more brave and more scared and more unsure and more ready than I had ever been in my life. This was the most important thing I'd ever done. I wasn't running for my life, I was running for Nessie's.

Please let me be fast enough.

* * *

**Coming up: **

And then sometimes her brow would tighten and she'd pull me a little closer, press her face into the skin of my arm and there were a few seconds where I thought really bad things. Like, if I kissed her right now, really kissed her, showed her that I could make her feel good too – if I did that now, right now at the beginning of this, I would have a lot of uninterrupted time to make her forgive me.

Like if I rolled over until I was pressed on top of her, feeling every little bit of her body under me and kissed her. Ran my lips up and down her neck and threaded my fingers through her hair – I would never force her – but maybe, if she freaked out at first, I could get her to pause long enough to realize she could want me like this too. Not just Seth.

Like I said, really bad thoughts.


	10. Dirty California Pavement

_A/N: _Here's your newest chapter of_ Undeniable_! Hope you enjoy reading Jake's inner turmoil as much as I enjoyed writing it. And don't forget to vote for it and _Hands on Me_!

**_thesparkleawards(dot)yolasite(dot)com_** - Hands on Me/The Edward Award (Best Romance)

**_razzledazzleawards(dot)webs(dot)net - Hands on Me/Best Romance_**

**_and _****_theindietwificawards(dot)com_** - Hands on Me/Best Canon (WIP), Best non-ExB storyline (WIP), Most Romantic Moment (WIP)

and Undeniable - Best Use of Comedy (WIP)

_Disclaimer: _Don't own it. Surprising, right?

* * *

Dirty California Pavement

* * *

_love, this is getting the best of me  
and truth be told, you were the start of it all_

_- +44, 155_

-

"J-Jacob?" Nessie asked me, her voice quiet and scared as I swung out onto the highway. "What's going on?"

Nessie, goddamn it, I love you so, so much but I can't talk to you right now. I can't do anything but get you out. Please just let me do this.

"Jacob!" She said a second later, louder and even more scared than before. "_What_ are we doing?"

I forced the fear and bile and anger and hate and love and all the shit that was stuck in my throat down so I could tell her, "We're running."

I cut in front of an 18-wheeler and kept pushing the engine, but it wouldn't go any faster.

"Well . . . when are we coming back?"

What did she think this was, vacation?

"Fuck." It started to rain as we zoomed out of Forks and I switched off the lights. This highway was a cop trap and I couldn't be dealing with any of that now. Then I remembered Nessie. "We're not."

Please don't make me talk anymore.

"We're – we're _not_?"

Shit. I couldn't stand to hear her so scared, even when she had reason to be. I tried to make my voice softer, but it was hard.

"I don't think so, Ness."

"Why, though?" She asked, and something in me snapped. "Why are we running?"

Couldn't she just let me do this? Couldn't she just trust me? I knew somewhere in the back of my mind that it was completely reasonable for her to be scared and confused and asking questions but I didn't care. All I could think about was that she wouldn't just shut up and trust me on this when I needed to get her out.

"_Because of those goddamn-king-fucking-bloodsuckers, Nessie!"_

Nessie curled back away from me in her seat, shocked. I had never screamed at her before. She was . . . scared. My stomach ripped out again.

"I'm sorry, Ness," I said automatically, reaching out for her hand. She let me take it, but didn't wrap her fingers around mine, didn't hold mine back, just let me. I looked at her for the first time since we got in the car and she looked so scared. I felt like shit. "It's not your fault, honey, and I shouldn't have yelled at you like that. Everything's going to be all right, I promise. I'll never let anything happen to you – I've just got to get you out of here as fast as I can."

She didn't say anything back, just kind of stared off like she was thinking real hard. But there was something else we needed to get clear.

"Nessie, everything is going to be okay, all right? I promise you." I changed my tone then, made it more authoritative. She had to understand that this was serious. "But Ness, this is important: for the next while, you're going to have to obey me. Whatever I tell you to do, you have to do it, quickly, no questions asked."

Nessie shivered a little but she nodded obediently, her eyes wide. I loved her so much.

"Okay?" I tried to make my voice soft again. I still felt so bad for scaring her.

"Okay."

I didn't want to let her go, but I needed to be driving my best so I squeezed her hand once and then let her go. Nessie jumped nearly a foot in the air when the phone that I knew was inside the bag started to ring.

Alice. Finally.

"Answer the phone and put it to my ear," I commanded her and she scrambled to obey me. She had the cell phone out a second later and crawled up in the seat to put it to my ear. "Yeah?"

Nessie leaned in closer, to hear I guess, and her scent overwhelmed me for a second. I shook it off quick though.

"Decide to leave the country."

I did. "Okay."

"No, no. Decided to go to Alaska."

Okay. "All right."

"No, that's no good." My stomach started eating itself. "Colorado."

Yeah. "Okay."

"No – Las Vegas."

"Okay."

"No . . ." Please. Please. Please. "California. Decide to go to California."

Done.

"All right, all right, I can see him," Alice said and I immediately felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders. "I can see him for about a week."

A week.

I let myself have a second to just take in the wonderfulness of that, a week of Nessie's assured safety, before I brought myself back into the present.

"Can you see where he is?"

"No, but I just know that I see him, so he's not where you are. Just keep doing whatever you've decided and I'll call if anything changes."

You better. "Thanks."

Nessie cut off the phone then and pulled away from me. She leaned down and put the phone back in the bag, and then looked up at me.

"So we're going to California?" She sounded less scared than before.

I gave myself another look at her before I had to put my eyes back on the road. I turned into an exit and started heading south.

"Looks like it."

"Can . . . can you explain everything to me now?" Nessie asked, hesitant. She was afraid I would shout at her again. My heart ached. "Or do you want to wait? Or can you tell me at all?"

Yeah, she was scared.

"Just – just let me concentrate on getting us into California, Ness, okay?" I felt better, but not completely. I'd be able to relax more when I knew we were where Alice saw he wouldn't get to us. "I'll be able to relax a little then, and I'll explain everything."

As much as I can.

She didn't answer me, but she didn't argue either. We drove in pretty much silence for a long time. Nessie started slumping lower in her seat until, a few hours later, she was laying on her forearms on the armrest with her legs stretched weirdly in front of her.

"That can't be comfortable." I didn't want her to be uncomfortable, even when we were running from psycho leeches.

"It's not," she mumbled back.

"Crawl in the back," I told her, even though I didn't want her to. I didn't want her anywhere but right next to me. "You're short enough that you'll be able to stretch out."

"Does that count as a command?" She asked, and I couldn't tell if she was serious or not.

"No. Just a suggestion." That wasn't what I had meant. "I don't want you to get a crick."

"I don't get cricks."

"Have you ever slept curled up in the passenger's seat of a Porsche?"

"No." She lifted her beautiful face to look at me. "But I really don't want to be back there by myself."

I kinda started to scoff, but then didn't. I didn't want to hurt Nessie's feelings. Again.

"You're not by yourself, Ness." As long as I've got you, you'll never be by yourself again. Don't worry. "It's the back seat of the car, for Christ's sake."

Her eyes fluttered up sleepily to meet mine and I almost crashed the car when she said, "I don't want to be any farther away from you."

I actually groaned. I hope it passed off as me being annoyed, even though I didn't want her to think that, but I sure as hell didn't want her to know what it really was.

If Nessie didn't want to be any farther away from me, no further away would she get. I started shifted in my seat and Nessie flew back in hers and my stomach hurt as I realized she was still a little scared of me. I would have to fix that.

I moved as far as I could into the right side of my seat, propping my left leg up a little so my weight shifted too. I caught the steering wheel with my left hand and beckoned Nessie forward with my right.

"What?"

"Come here," I told her. And since I couldn't say what I wanted to, I settled for, "If you're that sleepy, and you're too scared to sit in the back seat by yourself, come here."

Nessie's eyes lit up with recognition and she crawled up in her seat, leaning over the other half of the armrest and settling herself into my side. I wrapped my arm around her and pulled her closer. Damn, this felt good.

Nessie pressed her face into my shirt and breathed in deep like I did with her when she wasn't looking. Her reasons were probably a lot more innocent than mine, though.

"Thank you," she whispered, rubbing her face against me in a way I could feel through both my shirts. Then, "Love you, Jacob."

Oh, wow. That felt good. I hadn't heard that in awhile, a month at least. She used to tell me all the time, but then she just up and quit.

I couldn't help but lean down and kiss her hair again. I whispered back "Love you too, Nessie" but she was already asleep.

Nessie slept real peacefully for someone who had just been yanked from her grandfather's wedding and thrown into a Porsche with a werewolf and told she was going on the run, but I wasn't about to complain. She was probably just dead tired. She wrapped a tiny arm around my stomach and some point, holding me against her and even though I knew I probably should have moved it I couldn't bring myself to.

When the roads were mostly empty and sometimes when they weren't, I watched Ness sleep. Just straight up watched her. She was mostly still but sometimes she'd shift a little, pull herself closer and make these contented little sounds that were really nice. Maybe this running together thing wouldn't be so bad.

I had never seen Nessie with makeup before and while I think I liked her without it better, I couldn't say it wasn't nice. Her full lips were bright red, and there was something shining on her eyelids. Her eyelashes were so long, but they always were, sweeping down over her cheekbones.

Another weight lifted off my shoulders as we flew over the California border. We were good, we were safe. Ness was safe. I realize I was tired as hell and started looking for the first hotel I could find. I spotted an exit that advertised as having a hotel so I figured it would have to do. Nessie needed to get to a bed anyway.

The phone rang and Nessie immediately mumbled, "I got it, I got it" and shrugged out from under my arm. She fumbled a little with the bag, trying to get the phone out and I actually laughed a little at how cute she was. I was feeling much safer in California.

Nessie put the phone to my ear and collapsed against my side.

"Are you there?" Alice's voice asked as soon it was to my ear. "What did you decide to do, stop and get a hotel?"

For someone who couldn't see us, Alice was pretty damn good.

"Yeah – is that one okay?"

"You know I can't see." Could've fooled me. "But everything still looks fine."

"D'you think we'd be good for two nights or just one?"

"Right now two looks fine. I've got to go – we shouldn't stay on the phone long."

"Okay, okay. Thanks."

I guess Nessie figured the conversation was over because she let the arm that was holding the phone slide down into my lap. I fought my body's reaction – I was sick, and this was not the time for this. I pulled into the gross looking hotel parking lot and stopped right in front of the building where everything was bright.

"Are we here?"

"If by here you mean a crummy hotel just of the California border, then yes, we are here."

I expected Nessie to sit up then, but she didn't. I nudged her lightly until she did, squinting her eyes against the light from the lobby.

"Come on, Ness, let's get a room and then you can go back to sleep," I told her, but she didn't act like she heard me. I nudged her again. "Come on, Nessie, I can't leave you in the car. Let's go."

She was still kind of just sitting there half-asleep so I got out of the car and walked over to her side. I opened her door, making sure she didn't fall over out of the car. I leaned down to grab the purse Bella had given her and handed in to her and then pulled her gently out of the car.

She leaned into my side and mumbled, "I don't even have any shoes."

"Are you serious?" I looked down to check her feet, and she was. Barefoot on the dirty California pavement. "Well, we'll get you some tomorrow. You're good for now – it's California, nobody wears shoes."

I wrapped an arm securely around her and kicked the door shut. I clicked the lock and led her carefully into the hotel, hyper-aware of our surroundings.

There was a gross looking guy eating cheese puffs behind the counter.

"Yeah, can I get a room for two please?"

"Two singles or a double?"

"Two singles," I told him, obviously, and reached back for my wallet.

Nessie surprised the hell out of me by whispering, "No, Jake" and pulling me a little closer, looking up at me sleepily with her wide brown eyes. "I don't want to sleep alone."

Oh, shit.

"That your girlfriend, man?"

Yeah, that was exactly the reaction I was afraid we were going to get, getting hotel rooms together all the time. Not that it bothered me a bit – but what in the hell was Creepy Hotel Dude doing asking me about my business?

"Does it matter?" I shifted my weight until I was more in front of Nessie than before. I didn't want him looking at her.

"Nah, she just looks young is all. How old are you?"

Oh fuck no he did not just try and talk to Nessie.

"She's eighteen." The only reason I said anything at all was because I didn't want him getting up on his high-horse and calling the fucking police on our first night.

"Sure she is," he said, and I think I was about to punch him in his throat. Especially when I felt Nessie move back behind me uneasily. "That's what they all say – but it don't matter none to me, man. That's your business. Ain't illegal unless you get caught, right?"

Oh no he did not just fucking say that to me. Oh no he did not just insinuate that I was – what did he think Nessie was? The hair on the back of my neck stood up.

"If you give me a room key right now, I'm going to pretend I don't know what you're talking about."

I was proud of myself. No throat-punching, no head ripping. The guy didn't look anywhere near scared as he should be, though.

"We only have doubles."

Sure you do. But seriously, I'm tired and so is my girl and I don't have the time to stand here and argue with you or tear your kneecaps off or any of the other things I want to do, so I'm giving you a pass.

"Yeah," I said instead, snatching the key from him and throwing some money on the counter. This place was so shitty, it should be more than enough. "I'm sure that's why you asked which we wanted when we came in."

I pulled Nessie back into my side and felt a little better. I always did when she was close. I needed to get her to a bed, although the way things were looking, it wasn't about to be the Ritz.

"Doesn't sound like you're complaining," the little fucker actually had the nerve to mutter when we were on our way out the door.

I was seriously about to go back but Nessie's little arms tightened around my waist.

"Come on, Jake," she urged me quietly, trying to tug me back in the direction of the car. "I'm sleepy. Let's go."

We got into our room without too much trouble and Nessie immediately collapsed on the only bed in the room. I tried not to pay attention to how nice her body looked laid out on the bed in that tight dress – seriously, I was sick. I shouldn't even be noticing shit like that right now. But I definitely was.

"Are you hungry?" I asked her as I locked the door and took off my shoes, trying to keep my eyes on my feet but not really.

"A little, but I can wait 'til morning. I'm really tired."

Nessie rolled onto her side then, giving me her back and I forced my eyes up to her hair. Then she kind of flailed around, groaning loudly.

"What's your problem?"

"My dress is too tight."

"Oh." That it was. And as much as I . . . liked the dress, I didn't want Nessie to ever be uncomfortable so I unbuttoned my dress shirt real quick, pulled it out of my pants, and handed it to her. "Here."

Her eyes took in the shirt first, then trailed up my arms and chest and then finally to my face. Then for a second she looked sad.

"You can wear this," I told her, like it wasn't obvious. I just didn't want her to look sad anymore. "It'll be huge on you, so it should cover everything."

"Thanks, Jake," she said, and smiled.

I told her there was a bathroom she could change in, but then I remembered the creepy hotel guy and I wouldn't put a damn thing past him. I'd watched too many episodes of 60 Minutes that started just like this and ended with some loser just like him passing tapes of girls changing around to his friends.

If I found anything, I was going to go back and break his neck. Luckily, I didn't.

"It's fine," I told Nessie once the bathroom had passed my inspection. Nessie looked at me confusedly so I added, "Cameras. Seedy motels like this . . . just – just go change."

Smooth Jake was back in the house.

Her face turned pink as I think she got it but she scurried quickly to the bathroom anyway. I opened the weird half-closet/ironing board thing at the end of the room and found an extra sheet so I pulled it out and grabbed one of the pillows from the bed. I threw them on the floor between the bed and the door and laid down.

I know what Nessie had said, but she'd been half-asleep and I . . . I couldn't do that.

I heard Nessie let out a huge groan when she came out of the bathroom and throw herself on the bed. I was wondering why until she crawled across the bed to gaze down at me. I could tell by just looking at her face what she wanted. Her hair fell into my face, brushing across my lips, and I blew it out of the way even though I didn't really want to.

She reached down and tugged on my arm. "Get up here, Jake, don't be stupid."

"No, Nessie, you have the bed," I told her, trying to remember in my head all the reasons why sleeping on the floor was the right thing to do. "I'm fine."

"Listen, Jake: I'm not trying to be nice here," Nessie told me seriously, her voice a little rough. "I've just completed a cross-state journey, running from I don't even know what and I might never see my family again and I don't want to be by myself, so _get up here_ or I'm coming down there with you."

"Nessie," I groaned, trying to explain without explaining. "I just don't think it's – "

"Come on," Nessie cut me off. "We used to do this all the time before. I promise I'm okay – really, just please come lay with me?"

Please come lay with me. God, those were the magic fucking words, weren't they? How could I deny her anything when she asked me like that? How could I deny her, when she asked me for that?

And she was lonely. She needed her best friend Jake who used to lay with her and hold her and tell her everything would be all right. And I'd told myself I could be that again, that I would – and she very obviously needed me right now. I needed to stop being selfish.

So I got up, with my pillow, and rolled onto the bed. Nessie smiled at me and I couldn't help but smile back, just a little. I held the covers open and let her crawl in, but I didn't go after her. I couldn't do that.

I felt a yawn coming on, but I held it back and kept my eyes firm on the door. It just didn't feel right to sleep, to let my guard down, when all of this was going on.

"Go to sleep, Jacob," Nessie said, catching me out.

"I will, don't worry," I told her, sliding my arm under her so she could snuggle up to me. I was so glad to have her back.

Nessie let her hand fall hard on my chest. "Go to _sleep_, Jacob."

I started to fake-snore and we both cracked up. Her laugh sounded so nice. It felt like days since I'd heard it.

Nessie felt asleep not too long after that, but I couldn't. She twisted and turned a lot and after awhile she kicked off the blankets and wrapped one of her legs tightly around mine and wouldn't let go. I probably could have tried harder, but I couldn't help but stare at her all night.

She was in my shirt, which was huge and loose but still somehow looked a thousand times better on her than that dress. And she was so soft, pressed up against me, her leg threaded between mine. I literally spent almost the whole night fighting off my body's reaction.

After awhile, her wriggling started to ride the shirt up. I watched it for a little bit, as it crept up past her knees and slowly up her thighs but when it got about halfway up I decided I couldn't be that guy. I reached out and tugged it gently back down past her knees, trying not to groan when my fingers brushed the skin there.

She was just so beautiful and perfect and I wanted her so, so bad. I loved her so much it literally hurt.

And then sometimes her brow would tighten and she'd pull me a little closer, press her face into the skin of my arm and there were a few seconds where I thought really bad things. Like, if I kissed her right now, really kissed her, showed her that I could make her feel good too – if I did that now, right now at the beginning of this, I would have a lot of uninterrupted time to make her forgive me.

Like if I rolled over until I was pressed on top of her, feeling every little bit of her body under me and kissed her. Ran my lips up and down her neck and threaded my fingers through her hair – I would never force her – but maybe, if she freaked out at first, I could get her to pause long enough to realize she could want me like this too. Not just Seth.

Like I said, really bad thoughts.

So I definitely, definitely couldn't sleep on the bed with Nessie anymore.

And I needed a shower.

* * *

**Coming up:**

"Jake, are you all right?"

I shook my head to try and clear it out but it didn't work. The scent was still filling every single cavity of my brain and slowly taking over.

Instincts - the wolf ones - were pounding in my body at full speed. I had seriously never felt anything like this. I needed Nessie. I _needed_ her. But I always did, so what was the difference?

The difference was that now she needed me.


	11. The Luckiest Trashcan in the World

_**A/N:** _I like this chapter a lot - it really shows the hell Jacob was going through during 'In Which There is a Scent Issue'. He of course was holding it back for Nessie but now everyone can see how hard it was for him. Poor Jake.

I also got to slip in another one of my pack-views into this story. Most fics I see have the imprint ruling over the wolf with an iron fist, as far as being in control and whatnot. And while I do agree that the wolves would bend over backwards for their imprints, they are men and wolves and Jacob _is_ Alpha. It only makes sense that they'd have dominancy issues. Which are fun to write. :)

_**Don't forget to vote!** _You can find the info in the previous chapter.

_**Disclaimer:** _Don't own nothing except the chapter title, which I do think is awesome. And I will own a laptop again in a few days which means I can get back to writing, which is good since _Undeniable_ is kind of catching up with itself. I've only done up to chapter 18 so far.

* * *

The Luckiest Trashcan in the World

* * *

_i am selfish, i am wrong  
i am right, i swear i'm right  
i swear i knew it all along_

_- dashboard confessional, vindicated_

-

Nessie didn't help my situation, making a disappointed noise and reaching her arm out for me when I got up. I caught her hand in mine and resisted the urge to kiss it.

"Shh," I told her, reaching down to brush back her hair and her face relaxed a little. "Everything's okay, I'm not going anywhere. I'm just going to take a shower."

Her brow tightened back immediately and she made another noise that told me she didn't like the idea. She tugged on my hand a little, trying to pull me back to her.

Damn, Nessie, what are you doing to me?

"It's alright, you're safe here," I said quietly, since it was the only reason I could think of for her being so clingy. Not that I minded. "You sleep – I'm going to leave the door open, so don't come in unless it's an emergency."

I think Nessie's cheeks got a little pinker then, but that didn't make any sense. It was probably just my eyes. I let her hand go and it flopped back onto the bed. I felt a little bad – she was asleep, I should have set it down, but it was too late to do anything about it now.

Nessie made another annoyed noise when I cut on the light in the bathroom and I could hear her burying herself back under the covers to get away from it. I felt a little self-conscious as I got undressed with the bathroom door wide open but I couldn't risk shutting it. I'd already have the water obstructing my hearing – I couldn't have the whole other layer of the door too.

Besides, Nessie was a good girl. I knew she wouldn't look. Not that I would really mind if she did. It was just weird.

I cut the water on and it heated up surprisingly quick for a place so shitty. And little Jake, now that he was in private, seemed to have decided that he didn't need to behave.

The water felt good on my muscles, since I'd been holding them so tight for the past twelve hours. And my mind kept flooding with images of Nessie as she slept, curled around me, my shirt riding up on her legs. Nessie, looking up at me sleepily from under those long lashes and saying "love you, Jake". Nessie, running her soft lips down my neck – no.

No, I couldn't do that. I _wouldn't _do that.

Little Jake was just about throwing a temper tantrum but I braced my hands hard on the shower wall and wouldn't let them wander down to where they wanted. I wanted Nessie like hell, but I loved her and respected her too and I wouldn't do that with her so close, just feet away.

I reached down and switched the water to cold.

That fixed that problem real quick. The physical one at least. I'd be working on the mental one for awhile.

I only stayed in a couple minutes longer, just long enough to rinse my hair out and get the sweat and stress and whatever else of the last twenty-four hours off. I cut off the water, got out, and was halfway through toweling off when my brilliant self realized I was standing right on top of my undershirt.

Good move, Jake. Good move.

I picked it up and set it on the counter before I pulled back on my boxers and dress pants. I toweled my hair out a little too, since I didn't want it dripping all over me, before I went back out to where Nessie was.

"Ness? D'you go back to sleep?"

"No," she mumbled through the pillow, her voice coming out weird. "Are you dressed?"

I couldn't help but laugh a little. Nessie was beyond sweet.

"I'm decent, Ness," I told her. "You can look."

She did, and just kinda stared at me for a second.

"You're not," she finally said. "Where's your shirt?"

"You have it," I told her, unable to keep from rolling my eyes. I threw myself down in the chair by the window and looked out of it. Nothing.

"No, your other shirt. The tank top."

"Girls wear tank tops," I told her, widening my eyes for dramatic effect. Wearing a tank top would be a serious breech of Black family rule number eight. "If you're referring to my undershirt, I left it on the floor of the bathroom and it got wet."

Undershirt was just so much less emasculating somehow.

"Oh."

It was silent for a few minutes so I finally said, "You need to go ahead and take a shower if you want one. The little pixie said we'd be fine, but I wanna go a little deeper into California before we stay anywhere more than one night."

"Jake, can you please tell me what's going on?"

"After you eat," I decided. I made sure my tone let her know I wasn't playing. "You haven't eaten since yesterday, and you didn't eat at the wedding."

Nessie asked me something then, I'm not sure what, something about being hungry maybe but it wasn't important. Because when she threw the covers off of her and swung around to sit on the edge of the bed, her legs opening the littlest bit, I smelled it.

I'd never smelled it before, but I felt like I would know it anywhere. It was literally the best scent I'd ever come across. It was how Nessie normally smelled, but stronger, more potent, more . . . more . . .

My entire body tensed. Little Jake jumped back to attention and I needed to reach out to Nessie like a compulsion. This must be how a drug addict feels, I needed – no, Nessie needed – needed - ?

"Jake?" Nessie's worried voice barely broke through the haze. The scent only got stronger as she jumped off the bed and ran over to me and I had never had to fight so hard against what my body wanted to do.

She reached a hand up to touch me and I shooed it away. She couldn't touch me, if she touched me I wouldn't be able to – to – to keep myself from throwing her back on the bed or pulling her up into my lap because I – I had to give Nessie everything she needed and –

"Jake, are you all right?"

I shook my head to try and clear it out but it didn't work. That scent was still filling every single cavity of my brain and slowly taking over.

Instincts – the wolf ones – were pounding in my body at full speed. I had seriously never felt anything like this. I needed Nessie. I _needed_ her. But I always did, so what was the difference?

The difference was that now she needed me.

Everything came snapping together but it didn't help my situation. I needed to get a grip on this but I couldn't do it with Nessie standing there in front of me in my shirt with her hair all down around her face and her lips still a little red from the wedding and -

"I, uh . . . I think you need to go take a shower now, Ness."

"I am." Damn it, why did she keep trying to touch me? Didn't she realize what was about to happen? I shooed her off again. "But Jake, are you sure you're all right?"

"I'm – I'm fine." Just go. Please, Nessie, just go before I do something very, very bad. "Just hurry up, so we can get back on the road."

She obeyed me then, finally, and hurried off towards the bathroom. She stuck her head back out a second later. "I, um . . . I don't have to keep the door open, do I?"

"No!" Damn it. "I just did that to hear better because you were in here alone."

"Oh," she said, and then shut the door. Thank God.

I let my body fall forward and buried my face in my hands. Now that Nessie was gone, they were almost shaking. I could still smell the scent lingering in the room and I seriously was fighting the urge to follow her into the bathroom and – and what?

I knew what the scent was. It was . . . arousal. Nessie was aroused.

Shit. That thought did things to my body that thoughts shouldn't be able to do. Oh, God.

And as her . . . imprint or mate or what the hell ever, I had to give her everything she needed. On every level, even the basest ones. Now she had new needs and I was just as bound as I had ever been to take care of them. I had never wanted to so much.

But I couldn't. For more than one reason.

The hurting in my stomach started up again, taking center stage.

She had been thinking about him. Oh, fuck. That hurt. But it was the only explanation. She was fine when I was with her, and I left to take a shower and came back – oh, shit. My stomach ripped out all over again.

I fought my body and mind for control. Nessie was going to come back out in a minute – from the shower, where she'd been, naked – no. Shit. God, I had to get this under control or I could seriously hurt her. I was really dangerously close to not caring. It was too easy to rationalize it like this – she wanted it, her body did, so it couldn't be that wrong, so I wouldn't be that horrible if I –

I got up and strode over to the hotel room door, unlocking it and nearly tearing it open. The fresh air helped me clear my head a little. I fanned the door open back and forth, trying to circulate the air into the room. It cleared out pretty well after a few seconds, even though I think the scent was burned into my mind forever. I calmed down a little.

I shut the door and relocked it. I thought about some stuff, now that I could think about other things.

I knew Nessie was experiencing lust. This shouldn't have come as such a huge surprise as it had. And I knew – my stomach twisted – I knew it wasn't for me. Now that we were . . . living together, a lot of shit like that was probably going to start coming up, especially if we were in for the long haul which it looked like we were.

Was I going to hurt her? Of course I wasn't. No way in hell would I ever. My brain was clear – well, clearer – now. I wouldn't let my body take control of me – I knew enough from being stuck inside twelve other guys' heads all the time to know how this worked. You couldn't let the wolf instincts take over, they weren't always exactly right, you had to balance them.

Nessie needed . . . obviously, I mean, but. Not with me. That hurt like shit, but that's what it was. It wasn't my . . . place to . . . help her. And she would come out a few minutes and I would not hurt her and not kiss her and not throw her on the bed and rip my shirt straight off of her and everything would be just fine.

I was Nessie's best friend and her protector. That was my job now. I was here to take care of her – just not like that – and keep her away from bloodsucking leeches who wanted more than to suck her blood. I couldn't let this get my guard down.

The shower cut off.

I took a deep breath. Countdown to playtime.

I went to the weird closet/ironing board thing again and pulled out the iron and plugged it in by the table. My shirt would probably be in some kind of state after being slept in all night and well, I didn't really care too much about what people thought of me, but I didn't want Nessie looking like she was walking around with a bum.

The door opened a few seconds later. I didn't turn around, just kinda testing the waters. Everything smelled fine – nice and sweet and warm like Nessie, but without the new extra kick that drove me insane. Nessie cleared her throat, so I turned around then.

She was gorgeous, her hair darker than usual and her cheeks all pink from the shower. She was wearing her dress from last night, obviously, and all the make-up and hairstyle and all that was gone and it was just my Ness how I loved.

She was holding both my shirts in her hand and she held them out to me. "I'm done. Here's your shirt back. Thanks for letting me wear it – it was really comfortable."

"You're welcome, Ness," I told her, taking them from her and putting them on the table.

Nessie's face brightened up surprisingly. "Are you going to iron them?"

"Yeah." I sat down and started straightening them out. "Why?"

"Teach me how," she said eagerly, sliding into the chair in front of me. "I'm the one who wrinkled it up anyway."

I was about to tell her no, I didn't want her feeling like she had to do stuff for me, but then I snapped the shirt out and a little of that scent floated off of it and up to me. Not strong, but distracting.

"All right." I got up and Nessie sat down in my place. "You do it, and I'll walk you through."

Nessie was pretty good for someone who'd never really done it before, and she got through it quick. I asked her to do the other shirt too, since it was still damp and warm-damp is better than cold-damp. She did that too.

It was nice to watch her do that stuff for me, like . . . like a wife would for a husband. But I shook that thought off real quick before my stomach got to hurting worse.

It was so cute how proud she was when she handed me my shirt back, and watched me pull it on. I couldn't help but grin, even over the dull thrumming in my gut.

"Thanks, Nessie. This is pretty good for a first timer."

"Yeah?" Her eyes were kinda dancing. "You probably could do it better, though."

"Probably." I took the dress shirt from her when she handed it to me, but I put it on the back of the chair. I needed a minute before I put it on. "But I've done it a hundred times before."

Nessie hopped up onto the table while I finished getting ready. Even though we spent pretty much all our time together for literally her entire life, we had never done this. Shower and get dressed and everything in the same two rooms. Together.

The cool husband-and-wife feeling was back again. I was so weird. Didn't most dudes freak out at the idea of being married? Most dudes had never met Nessie, though.

Nessie just watched me while I pulled on my socks and shoes, made sure we had everything. I ducked my head into the bathroom to check we hadn't forgot anything. The scent was strong here – stronger than it should be. I probably shouldn't have tested myself, probably should've just backed away and went back out to Nessie, but I didn't.

I stepped toward the scent, and nearly had a heart attack when I saw a small pair of black panties lying in the trashcan. Nessie's. They had to be. So did that mean she wasn't wearing . . . ?

Shit. I took a second to calm down. It was hard.

I took a couple of deep breaths once I was back in the clean air of the room and tried not to think about what I'd just seen or what it meant even though I knew I would the very next time I had a shower. I forced myself to remember the psycho vamps and it pulled me back under control.

I went back and finished gathering everything up. Handed Nessie the black bag, helped her hop down from the table even though she could very obviously do it herself.

I stalled and stalled until I couldn't anymore and then I finally pulled the shirt on. The scent was faded, muted, but it was still there. I guess it was good to get used to it, though. I mean, if we were going to be living together, this probably wouldn't be the last time this . . . happened.

I was at the same time seriously dreading and looking forward to next time.

I wrapped my arm carefully around Nessie's shoulders – I couldn't stand having her out of arms reach when I knew those little fuckers were looking for her – and headed out the door. We ended up eating burgers in the car, Nessie still being sweet as hell and holding my drink, handing me more fries when I finished the ones in front of me.

Getting some food got me thinking a little better too – one less thing my brain was focusing on. Nessie needed shoes. And we both needed clothes. I mentioned this to her.

"Last I checked," she agreed, taking a drink from her soda. "Unless you want to run around in these for the next indefinite period of time."

Oh, hell no. I seriously needed to get out of this shirt.

"I need to get a hold of some sweatpants ASAP," I told her instead.

"I need a hair brush."

She didn't really. But what Nessie wanted, Nessie got.

I slowed down to check the road signs. "I'll see if we can find a mall . . ."

"Do we have enough money?" Nessie asked abruptly after a few seconds.

I couldn't help but laugh a little. Did she not know her family?

"You haven't looked in the bag Bella gave you yet, have you?"

"Well, no. . . . I've had a lot on my mind . . ."

You and me both.

"Well, look now."

She immediately reached down into the floorboard to get the bag and my stomach tightened up that way it had been doing lately when Nessie did anything I told her do to. Werewolves are some sick bastards. I think being Alpha had given me power . . . issues.

Nessie eyes widened in the cutest way as she pulled out a stack of hundreds and flipped through it.

"Wow."

Wow is right, and the money's pretty cool too.

"That's not all that's in there."

That got Nessie's attention. Which was all I ever wanted.

She started digging around in the bag like, well, likes she was looking for a stack of hundreds instead of looking through them. She made an "a-ha!" sound and I saw her snatch her arm back up out of the corner in my eye so I guessed she'd found the other stuff too.

She didn't say anything for a few seconds then, and I started to get nervous. Then, like a dumbass, I remembered that one of her IDs basically had us down as being married. Smart move, Jake. Way to make comfortable conversation – keep things from getting awkward.

I looked over, and sure enough, she was staring back and forth between her Vanessa Wolfe ID and her passport.

"Yeah," I said, which made sense. Then I rattled off the list of reason Jasper gave me. "So . . ."

You know that weird, really awkward thing where the 'so' carries on for way too long and nobody interrupts you like you wanted and you can't think of anything to say? Yeah, it was one of those. I finally just stopped.

"I mean," I decided to start over. "We shouldn't have to use those unless we leave the country, which it doesn't look like we are, but . . . you know, just in case."

Nessie just nodded.

"So anyway, the guy at the hotel said there's a shopping center down this way where we can get some stuff." That's an expert use of Black Family Rule number seventeen, right there. "I mean, we obviously need clothes, but I don't want to be carrying too much around, if that's all right with you – "

I looked over to Nessie staring out the window, not paying me a bit of attention. What a waste of a rule number seventeen.

"Nessie?"

Nessie reached over and grabbed my arm. "Oh, Jake, can we go shop there? Please, Jacob?"

I looked out of her window and for a second, I kept looking around, sure she meant someplace else I didn't see. But there was only one big blue and white building on Nessie's side of the road.

"There?"

"Yes, Jacob," she said, her eyes all bright and I had already made my decision right there. "Oh, please, can we go?"

"Are you sure, Nessie?" I asked, but I had already got into the turning lane.

"Yes, I've always wanted to go. Please?"

I tried not to laugh, but I did a little anyway. Only my girl would get excited over something like this.

I flipped the turn signal, and turned into Wal-Mart.

* * *

**Coming up:**

See, another irritating thing - and I'm not sure if this is a wolf thing, I think it's just a regular guy one - about how my brain works, is that once you get it started it won't stop. Now I was staring across from me where a couple of girls were looking at some really small panties and wondering how they'd look on Nessie. Much better, obviously, but. Shit.

I needed to get my thoughts under control.

One of the girls caught my eye and smiled. But it wasn't a normal smile; it was one of those smiles. Damn, she probably thought I was looking at her. Damn it, damn it. I moved my eyes away quick.


	12. Bad Jake, Good Jake, Red Jake, Blue Jake

_**A/N:** _Here's the Wal-Mart chapter! It's even got some extra scenes, which I try to squeeze in when I can. I think this chapter turned out pretty good, if I should be so conceited. Tell me what y'all think. And don't forget to **_vote!_**

_**Disclaimer:** _Don't even own the chapter title - stole it from Dr. Suess.

_**Dedication:** _This chapter is dedicated to my Daddy, because even though he could care less about this story, he always chooses aisles and passwords and jersey codes and _everything_ based on my birthday which was inspiration in his chapter. Oh, and also to anyone who's ever rode in the back of the buggy and remembers when Wal-Mart bags were blue.

* * *

Bad Jake, Good Jake, Red Jake, Blue Jake

* * *

_she said "what?" and i told her that i didn't know_

_- +44, the rock show_

-

I'm still not sure I understand what's so exciting about Wal-Mart, but Nessie's adorableness was seriously more than enough to change my mind about it. She was talking at top speed and dragging me through the produce section until I led her over to the clothes.

"And do you know," she told me after she'd carried on about the row of cash registers. "That they have everything here, in one place? Like clothes and food and furniture and electronics and house appliances and plants and everything all together! You don't even have to go anywhere else! How cool is that?"

Yeah, Ness. It's called Wal-Mart.

I never realize she'd never been to a Wal-Mart. I mean, I know we sheltered her, but damn.

And she was just so cute, digging through clothes. She found the wall of t-shirts quick and happily started pulling out different colored shirts. After a few minutes she turned around to look at me, her eyes all bright, and looked like she remembered something.

"Is this too much?"

Nothing is too much for you, Ness. I'll buy you all of fucking Wal-Mart if you want it, but I knew what she was talking about. She didn't look like she had too many.

"Nah – how many you got?"

She stopped to count. "Six."

I told her to get one more, so she'd have a weeks' worth. Nessie seemed to already know which one she wanted, because she looked back up to the very top of the shelf and then looked back at me. She widened her eyes at me the way she did when she wanted something.

"Which one is it?"

She pointed to a stack of blue t-shirts at the very top and I reached up and pulled them all down for her. I didn't know what size she was, so I asked.

"Extra small."

Duh, Jake. There was only one extra small so I pulled it out and put the rest back. Nessie tried to take it from me but I took the stuff from her hands instead.

"I'll hold them. You've still got to find pants and stuff."

Nessie found a bunch of pants she needed to try since she said she didn't know her size. Crazy Little Thing did her shopping back home.

"Anything else?" I asked after Nessie handed me another pair of pants and kind of stopped.

"Um . . ." Her cheeks turned pink. "I still need . . . some other stuff. Do you want me to just go and get it really fast, or . . . ?"

"Nah-uh, no way." No way in hell, Nessie. Don't even think about it. "You're not getting out of my sight – actually, out of arms reach is more like it. What do you need?"

Her cheeks got pinker. "Underwear and stuff."

Oh, shit. I hadn't thought about that. Still, it didn't change anything. Nessie couldn't be going anywhere alone. Not now.

"Sorry. I'll turn my head or whatever you want, Nessie, but I'm not letting you go anywhere alone."

"Fine," she mumbled, stomping off a few feet ahead of me. She was close enough I could reach out and grab her though, so I left her. It took me a second to realize she was stomping off towards the lingerie section.

Now, I wasn't exactly an expert, but I'm pretty sure the Wal-Mart lingerie section left something to be desired. I mean, as dudes, I don't think in general it mattered too much to us. As long as it was little and see-through, but like I've mentioned before, the past seven or so years I didn't think about any of it much.

But still, anyway, there were still an awful lot of tiny panties and bras and short little dresses and I was feeling a little out of my depth. And a little guilty, since my brain immediately started imagining Nessie in every item I saw.

I stood at the end of the aisle Nessie led me to, with my back facing her. I didn't want to make her uncomfortable and I didn't think my disgusting wolf brain could watch her shop for underwear and keep control of my body at the same time.

Nessie made a weird noise.

"What?" I asked her.

"Nothing." I decided to believe her.

Another weird sound.

"What?"

"Nothing," she said again.

Yeah, with Jake, it's two strikes and you're out, honey.

"If you don't tell me, I'm going to turn around and see for myself."

I could feel her eyes burning holes in my back. "These are packaged up, and I don't know what size I am, so I don't know if they'll fit."

Where were we, Victoria's Secret? This was Wal-Mart.

"Well, open them up and see."

"You can do that!"

I grinned. I could hear the outrage in her voice. Yeah, this was definitely Nessie's first time at Wal-Mart.

"Of course you can. Nobody cares." I thought about it for a second, before I stuck my hand out behind me. "Hand them here."

She did after a second. I pulled the plastic package around and opened it really quick, trying as best I could not to look at the underwear. I didn't need something else to think about. I caught a glimpse anyway – werewolf senses and all. They were just normal panties, but I couldn't help but replace the model on the front's body with Nessie's in my mind as I handed her the box back.

Shit, what I wouldn't give to see that.

Nessie thanked me.

See, another irritating thing – and I'm not sure if this is a wolf thing, I think it's just a regular guy one – about how my brain works, is that once you get it started it won't stop. Now I was staring across from me where a couple of girls were looking at some really small panties and wondering how they'd look on Nessie. Much better, obviously, but. Shit.

I needed to get my thoughts under control.

One of the girls caught my eye and smiled. But it wasn't a normal smile; it was one of _those_ smiles. Damn, she probably thought I was looking at her. Damn it, damn it. I moved my eyes away quick.

"All right, Jake," Nessie said a second later. Her arm brushed up against mine. "Let's go."

I decided to screw with Nessie some more so I stumbled around with my eyes closed for a few seconds until she tripped me up.

"Oh – so I can look now?"

"Yeah, I guess so." Thank God. It had been a whole three minutes since I'd seen you. "Come on, stupid, let's go find a dressing room."

We did, which was easy, and I laughed when I saw Nessie looking around for an assistant. She'd been to one too many of Alice's fancy boutiques.

"This is Wal-Mart, honey," I told her. "You help yourself."

She stuck her tongue out at me then, which kinda knocked my guard off so I didn't raise my eyes up like I should have when she turned around and walked off to the dressing room. I dumped all the stuff Nessie needed to try onto the bench in the room and backed out, letting her shut the door on me.

I didn't leave the changing area, just turned my back to the door and stayed where I was. I had to stay close to her, especially with everything that was going on. But damn it, she was changing in there and my concentration was already scrambled.

I heard something hit the floor.

No, fried, I believe. Scrambled, fried, and then incinerated.

It wasn't lost on me that if I turned around I'd be able to see straight over the dressing room door. Nessie probably wouldn't even notice, she was so short.

See what I mean about bad thoughts?

Things continued to shift around and fall to the floor in the dressing room behind me and I seriously was having an internal battle.

Good Jake vs. Bad Jake. Come get your tickets everyone, it's the match of the century.

A couple of minutes later a group of girls – I think the same from the underwear section – came in so I put my eyes down. My brain wasn't exactly in control of where my eyes went right now and I didn't want anyone else thinking I was looking at them.

They were all . . . twittering really loud. I've seriously never used that word before, but I couldn't think of another word to use. It was twittering. Real loud. And real high pitch. I had super werewolf senses and I could barely make out the words.

A couple of minutes later a dressing room door opened and I was actually getting all excited until I realized it wasn't Nessie's. Wishful thinking, I guess.

The twittering went up a pitch and I forced myself not to cover my ears.

"Do you like it?" One of them asked, and I winced, waiting for the onslaught of _ooh yes_'s but there wasn't any. "I think it's a little small. What do _you _think?"

I looked up. Sure enough, there was a blonde girl standing there in a bikini looking at me like she was waiting for me to say something. I think it was the one that smiled at me earlier, but they all kinda looked the same.

"Uh . . . me?"

I mean, it didn't really make any sense to be asking me, a total stranger. But I'm still pretty sure she was.

"Well, you are a guy," she said, and she kinda turned so her back was facing me and looked at me over her shoulder. "What do you think? Does it look nice?"

What am I supposed to say to that? I mean, I don't want to hurt the chick's feelings or embarrass her in front of her friends but I really could care less about her or her bikini. And I wasn't going to lie to her. Even though Nessie didn't care, I still didn't want her thinking I even saw anyone else. Besides, how would you even explain it?

I really can't tell you if your bathing suit is hot or not. See, I'm a werewolf – weird, I know, but just stay with me for a minute – and you see that gorgeous red-haired girl that I was with earlier? Well, she's my soul mate. It's a werewolf thing. Anyway, even though she doesn't love me like I do her, I really can't even see anybody else. I mean, I'm looking at you and I reckon all the parts are there but really all I can think about is my girl getting changed in this room here right behind me so I really, really don't know.

That would go over well.

"I, uh – I guess so."

There. I didn't sound interested and I wasn't rude. Much simpler than the other option. Now go away, little blonde girl, Nessie and I have shopping to do.

I leaned back and knocked on the door of the room Nessie was in. "You 'bout ready, Ness?"

See? That girl in there's all I care about.

I mean, damn. I'm even holding her purse. Given, it's her purse full of our runaway money and fake documents, but it's still a purse. Does anything about this situation scream 'available'?

"Um – yeah!" Nessie called back. Her voice was a little weird. "Just a second!"

Nessie came out a minute later, back in her dress from the wedding. I was a little disappointed I didn't get to see any of the clothes, but I was pumped to see Nessie. I'd end up seeing the clothes anyway.

"What do I do with the clothes I don't want?" Thank God they had the extras rack out or Nessie'd probably insist on putting them all back in their place. I pointed to it and she grabbed some stuff from the room and added them neatly to the rack. A couple pairs of jeans and . . . some bras. Damn. "Is there like a basket or anything to carry the ones I do want in?"

I was pretty sure I saw an empty buggy outside the dressing room, so I stepped out quickly to check. There was, so I dragged it back with me.

Nessie looked at it warily. "Are we going to get that much stuff?"

"No, but it was either that or we both carry a basket in each hand, so I thought this was preferable."

Damn, girl, this is America. We're lazy. We don't carry shopping baskets. I don't think they even make them here anymore.

"Okay," she said after she'd dropped all her stuff into the buggy. "So, what now?"

I thought about it.

"Well, I still need clothes. You need shoes, and I could do with another pair myself -" No way in hell I was running around in dress shoes. " – and didn't you say something about a hairbrush?"

Nessie gave a little sigh. "Yes, please."

"Wow, look how dirty my feet are!" Nessie said a minute later and I looked down to see her hopping along on one foot, the other lifted back to show me. Her soles were almost black.

I couldn't help but laugh a little. Then I got an idea. "You wanna get in?"

"Where?"

"Here." I pointed to the back of the buggy.

"I'm not a child, Jacob." She rolled her pretty eyes at me. I knew what she was going to say before she said it. "I'm sixteen."

"No, you're not." Nobody around was paying us any attention, but I lowered my voice just in case. "You're seven."

"You _know_ what I mean."

She was so cute.

"Actually, I don't think I do." Sorry, Ness. Not playing along today. "I rode in the back of the cart when I was seven."

Actually, I stole the cart from my Mom and went speeding down the aisles on the back of it with Embry and Quil, but that was another story. Nessie didn't need to know that. Or the cowboy noises. We went through a phase – resentful of the Native culture and whatnot. Thought cowboys were cooler. Anyway.

"Still, I think I'll pass."

"Your loss," I told her as we got to the men's section. Please God let them have some sweatpants long enough to fit me. "Wanna help me find my clothes?"

Nessie's eyes did the light-up thing again, but I wasn't really sure why. "You don't want to pick them out yourself?"

I snorted. "I don't care, Ness. I just hope they have pants that fit me."

Nessie seemed to have forgiven me for the buggy-riding faux-pas. She was looking around us now, almost more excited than she had been in the girls' section.

"Well, let's do them first," she suggested, skipping over to where the pants were. "Since they'll probably be hardest. What's your size?"

I gave her my waist, adding, "And the longest they've got."

We found a couple and some sweatpants that looked like they would fit. I let Nessie pick out my shirts, since she looked like she wanted to for whatever reason and she had fun picking out hers. She seemed to put more thought into mine than she did with hers, because it took her longer.

She handed me a blue Rolling Stones shirt and a grey, faded looking one with the vague imprint of a baseball and bat on it in XXL and turned back to look.

"Oh, Jake, look!" She just about squealed. I almost freaked for a second until I realized it was just a shirt. "You have to get this one, Jacob!"

She was holding out a small black t-shirt with a wolf on the front. I couldn't help but laugh.

"You're the boss, Ness, but you've got to find it in my size first."

This sentence resulted in Nessie pretty much tearing up the t-shirt section to find the exact same shirt in XXL.

"A-ha!" She said when she checked the tag on yet another wolf shirt. She stumbled over to me and handed it out, her eyes bright. "It had better fit. Now I'm gonna find the rest."

She did before too long so we moved on to the shoes. Nessie found some black fake-Converse that fit all right and I managed to find a pair of black tennis shoes that sort-of fit my huge feet. We both grabbed a bag of socks, me the largest they had and Nessie the smallest, and then Nessie dragged me to the pajama section.

"I need something to sleep in," she said. "I can't wear your dress shirt every night."

You can't?

The women's section was composed mostly of huge mumus, short dresses, and tiny little shorts. I was kind of hoping Nessie would get one of the last two, but she dug and dug until she found a some grey capri-pants that came with a black t-shirt with some stars or some shit on it.

She looked a little tired as she tossed the pajamas into the buggy, and I couldn't help but give them a once over and imagine how they'd look on her. Amazing, of course.

"Okay, Jake," she said, pushing her hair back out of her face. "Your turn. Your pajamas XXL too?"

I scoffed a little. Pajamas would also be a serious breach of Black family rule number eight.

"Men don't wear pajamas," I told her. Rule number eight, Ness, rule number eight.

"What do plan on sleeping in, then?" She asked me, propping her hands on her hips and looking up at me like she thought she was going to win.

"Sweatpants like I always do."

Nessie turned pink then for a second and her eyes went down, but I wasn't sure why.

"Okay, then. Go without." I ducked my head a little to check that she wasn't mad or upset. I'd wear fucking footy-pajamas if she was going to look sad, but she didn't. She looked back up. "All right. Hairbrush time."

We picked up toothbrushes, toothpaste, and deodorant for me on the way to the hair section. I wanted to ask Nessie if she needed anything – you know, girly stuff or whatever – but I felt kinda weird about it and figured if she needed it she'd get it herself without me having to ask. Nessie picked out this huge-ass paddle brush that looked like it could be used as a weapon and looked like she wanted to kiss it.

"All right, anything else?" I asked, tearing her away from her tearful reunion.

"Hair-ties," she told me, skipping a step or two down to look at them. She reached up for a big, multi-colored pack and then stopped. She looked up at me, but not at my face, for a second and then grabbed a pack of all-black ones. "Okay, let's go."

God, I wanted to kiss her. She was so sweet – thinking about me too.

I remembered that we needed something to carry it all in so I made sure we grabbed two huge backpacks on our way to check out.

"I don't think all our stuff is going to fit in there," Nessie said as I threw the bags in.

"They will," I told her. I hope.

Nessie leaned tiredly into my side as we waited in line (at register nine, since that was the month Nessie was born) and I laughed.

"Hey – " I told her. "You were the one who wanted to come to Wal-Mart."

"No, this is better," she said, her face rubbing against me as she turned it up to look at me. "At least we got everything done in one place."

We finally got to the front and Nessie helped me load everything onto the check-out belt.

"Do you still want these?" I looked up from digging out my wallet to see the cashier holding out an open pack of underwear. "There's one missing. Do you want to run back and get another one?"

"No," Nessie cut in quickly, and I looked down to see her face red. "No, that was the last pack in that size. It's fine."

That made sense, but I didn't think it was the truth. I remembered the black panties in the trashcan of the hotel and tried not to groan as I handed the woman a couple of hundreds.

We got out to the car and unpacked our stuff, tearing off tags and wrapping and stuffing them into the shopping bags. They were white now. When I was little, they'd been blue.

Nessie took my clothes straight out of my hands when I started to stuff them into my bag and started folding them neatly. The cool married feeling was back and I tried to ignore it as I helped her fold the rest of the stuff. I set aside a pair of sweatpants, a white t-shirt from the pack of five I bought, and a pair of socks and my shoes. I was getting out of these clothes ASAP.

Nessie looked at me like she was confused.

"You can stay in that dress if you want. It's pretty and all," And really, dead sexy. "And it might be comfortable, though judging by the fit you pitched last night, I don't think it is – but I'm getting out of these clothes."

"Where're you going to change?"

"In the car." Her eyes widened a little in surprise so I told her, "The tint's dark, and no one's trying to look at me anyway."

Nessie turned her face away from me then for a second, but when she turned back she was normal so I decided to ignore it. I couldn't help but shoot Ness an I-told-you-so smile when my bag zipped shut, even though it probably wouldn't have if I hadn't folded the stuff like she wanted.

Nessie pulled out some clothes too, but I tried not to pay attention as I had bigger fish to fry. I opened the back door and sat down. I wasn't really comfortable leaving her out in the open but I didn't think she'd agree to sit in the front seat while I changed and I didn't want to push it. But shit, this was serious.

"Listen, now," I told her, and Nessie stopped what she was doing immediately and turned her full attention to me. My stomach clenched. "Lean with your back against the door and your hand on the handle and don't move until I'm back out, all right?"

"All right." She nodded compliantly. "I'm not going anywhere, Jake."

I slid in and shut the door, waiting until Nessie's back was pressed firmly against the window before I started to change. If anybody tried to get her now, they'd have the rip the car door off to take her. She was a half-vamp, after all.

I still changed quick, since I didn't like the idea of her being alone, even if it was only a slab of metal and glass separating us. I ditched the damn boxers and rolled them up in my clothes – irritating things. Thank God the pants and the shirt fit.

I never thought I'd be glad to put on shoes, but the tennis shoes were heaven compared with the ones I had on now. I got out of the car feeling a hundred times better than when I got in, even better when I saw Ness.

"Everything okay? I asked even though I knew it was.

"Yep," Nessie said, throwing some clothes into the backseat and sliding in. "No kidnappings or anything."

This huge, strong burst of anger shot through me at the word 'kidnapping'. I couldn't help but remember those fucking vamps and what they wanted to do to Ness, what they were trying to do. If I'd had anything in my hand, I would've broken it.

"Are you okay?"

I looked down to see Nessie looking up at me, her eyes worried. Damn, she knew me too good. I couldn't get a thing past her.

"Yeah, yeah." I tried to play it off but I don't think it worked. "Just change so we can get on the road."

I shut the door for her after she moved her legs out of the way and turned around and pressed my back into the door like I had had her do for me. My eyes could see straight through the tint and well, I don't think I'd be able to resist temptation.

A few minutes later Ness knocked on the passenger's window.

"Done?"

"Yeah!"

I loaded our bags into the trunk and pushed the buggy into an empty parking spot. Nessie was brushing her hair when I got into the car, and I couldn't help but watch from the corner of my eyes as she pulled it back. I loved her hair.

"Feel better?" I turned to look at her for the first time after I had pulled out of the parking lot. Damn, she looked good. I couldn't help but tell her, "You look nice. I like that better than the dress."

Better wasn't even the word. She never needed to wear anything other than this ever again, except maybe for my dress shirt. She was wearing some black jeans and a white t-shirt with Mickey Mouse on the front and damn did she look fine as hell. They weren't tight – I had definitely seen tighter – but it was Nessie and she just looked so cute and awesome and sexy at the same time.

"Are you serious?"

And she didn't even know it.

I kinda nodded and Nessie smiled.

"Thanks, then." She shifted in her seat and I couldn't help it, I had to watch her legs. "I like you better like this too. When it's just Jake."

I couldn't help but grin. "Who else would I be?"

"You know, I just meant . . . with the tux and everything, it's better when you're just – "

"I know." I cut her off. I knew exactly.

Nessie was quiet for a while then. I decided to leave her, keeping one eye on the road and the other on her, watching her body in the new clothes. The jeans and stuff she usually wore at home were Bella's old stuff and Bella was taller than her so the stuff was big. These clothes definitely weren't big.

"Jake?"

I seriously nearly jumped. I was sure she had caught me out. I forced myself to sound casual.

"Hm?"

"We've eaten, and we've got clothes and we're going to be in the car for awhile, right?"

"I guess so."

"So can you please tell me what's going on now?" Oh, shit. Goddamn it. Mother – "What – _who_ is chasing us?"

My stomach tightened up real bad, all the hair on my body standing up as I remembered the fucking bloodsuckers. I gripped the steering wheel hard.

What in the hell was I gonna tell her?

* * *

**Coming up:**

My mind was flooded with images of the reason. Nessie, all bloated and weak and broken like Bella had been, broken in more ways than one. Carrying some leech's fucking baby 'cause I hadn't been fast enough. Fuck. Nessie crying, screaming for me, begging. Shit.

"No."

I couldn't. I was already inches away from phasing as it was and – just no. No, no, no.

"What do you mean?"

"No." Nessie, some fucking bloodsucker pressing down on top of her. "I can't talk to you about this anymore, Nessie, it's driving me insane – every time I think about those fucking _bloodsuckers_ and . . . and what they want to do with you, I want to lose it." Nessie, locked up in a cage somewhere. I_ am_ going to lose it. "I can't think about anybody hurting you, Ness, I won't. I'll fucking kill every single goddamn one of them before they touch you."

Thank God, the questions stopped. But the pictures didn't.


	13. Can't Let You Go

**_A/N: _**Here's the infamous chapter thirteen. Through Jake's eyes, which I dare to say is much more intense. Poor Jake. Now you'll get to see exactly the depth of Jake's terror for Nessie. The scene extends a few lines further, so you get a little more conversation. You also get to see the memories Nessie past to Jake, which you didn't in _HoM_. They were awesome to write. I'd also like to mention my Daddy again, since he was the one who held me tight so the tide wouldn't sweep me away when we went swimming. I'm the original deliverer of the 'You're squeezing me too tight!' line.

Please keep voting for _Hands on Me_ at **The Sparkle Awards** and **The Razzle Dazzle Awards**, both for Best Romance, links below. Voting for **The Sparkle Awards** lasts until the 30th and the end date for voting for** The Razzle Dazzle Awards** hasn't been announced yet, as far as I know.

**_thesparkleawards(dot)yolasite(dot)com_**

and

**_razzledazzleawards(dot)webs(dot)com_**

**_Disclaimer: _**I don't own any of it. Oh, well. I still have fun with it.

* * *

Can't Let You Go

* * *

_you said you want me, i said i want you too  
__the thing you didn't realize is all i want is you_

_- +44, broken hearts and broken strings_

-

"Jake?" Nessie voice said again, calling me out of my thoughts. But I still hadn't figured out what to say. "What are we running from?

"Don't – I don't want you to worry, okay?" I turned to look right at her. She needed to get this first. "I'll never let anything happen to you, Nessie, I swear. You're going to be fine, do you hear me?"

"I – I know, Jake." Her eyes widened. "I know I'm safe with you. I trust you, just – just _tell_ me."

I nodded and took a second to let the wonderfulness of her words wash over me. _I know I'm safe with you. I trust you_. Thank God.

Now, where to start?

"You know, the – the . . . damn it, I forgot the name – "

Then Nessie opened her mouth and knocked everything the hell out of my head.

"The goddamn-king-fucking-bloodsuckers?"

And she said it so calm too. Like she just threw the word fuck around everyday. I don't think I'd even ever heard her say damn. I couldn't help but stare at her. Was it weird that I found that sexy as hell?

"What did you say?"

"That's what you called them," she told me, a little defensive. "Last night. After – after the wedding."

Then I remembered the rest of her sentence. Then I remembered when I had said those words – shouted them at her. I felt like an asshole all over again.

"I'm – I'm sorry, Nessie." She let me take her hand and that made me feel better. "I didn't mean to scream at you, I just had to get you _out_, I had to get you away and all I could think of was – "

"But get me away from what, though?" Nessie held my hand a little tighter. "You said king bloodsucker, but vampires don't have kings, Jacob. The only thing they have is the Volturi."

Volturi.

How could I ever have forgotten that fucking name? No, it was branded onto the back of my goddamn skull. Just hearing it made me want to kill somebody. I squeezed Nessie's hand hard without meaning to.

She gasped and I thought I had hurt her, but then she said, "The Volturi? Someone from the Volturi is chasing us?"

It was all I could do to nod.

"What – what do they want? Is everyone else running too? Why aren't we together?"

"No. We're the only one's running." I answered that first since it was easiest. "They – they don't want everyone."

Nessie's heart started freaking out. "Who do they want?"

I couldn't – I couldn't say it. I couldn't say the words.

Nessie's heart faltered and my eyes snapped to her.

"W-why?"

This was the question I had been fucking dreading.

"Nessie, look at me." She did. Of course she did. "I'm going to tell you, but you have to listen to me and believe me – _nothing is going to happen to you_. I would die first, before I let anything happen to you, do you understand?"

She had to know that. I gave her a minute to say something but she never did. She was waiting for me.

"Now that you're fully developed . . . they want to . . . _experiment_ with you."

Shit, I was gonna fucking break the steering wheel. My mind flooded with images of my dreams the past few weeks, dreams where Nessie was dragged screaming into a dark corner.

"Wh – how?" Shit. Shit, shit, goddamn it. "Experiment with me how?"

I couldn't say it. I couldn't say those words to her. I couldn't explain to her that those fucking scum-suckers wanted to drag her off and rape her repeatedly and check the results. I couldn't even think about it.

"They have Nahuel," I told her instead.

She was quiet for a long minute, and then she asked me calmly, like somebody who already knew the answer, "What do they want to do with us, Jacob?"

I shook my head, not in answer to her question but to shake the picture out. The picture of Nessie tied to a bed, screaming for me and I couldn't get to her.

"I – I can't say it, Nessie, don't ask me to – "

They want to rape you. They want to lock you in a room and rape you, vamps and half-vamps and humans and all the rest of it, rape you until they find out whether you can get pregnant or not so they can raise their own little cross-breed army.

How could I say that? Just thinking it made vomit rise in my throat. If I opened my mouth I would scream or phase or –

"Tell me, Jacob." No, Nessie, please don't demand. Please don't demand when you know I can't – "I have a right to know. Tell me what they want to do to me!"

I hadn't even realized I'd still been holding her hand until I took mine back. I needed both hands on the wheel.

"They . . . they want to see if you're . . . fertile." I thought it would be easier using the clinical terms, but it wasn't. "They want to see what would happen if they – _mated_ two half-vampires together, what – what would happen."

"And?"

And? And? That wasn't enough? That wasn't enough for a thousand fucking lifetimes?

"And with a human." Yeah, I was going to barf. "And a – a vampire."

I would obliterate the entire universe before I let that shit happen.

"Why do they want to see?" Please, Nessie. Please. "It's not just curiosity, Jacob, there has to be a reason."

My mind was flooded with images of the reason. Nessie, all bloated and weak and broken like Bella had been, broken in more ways than one. Carrying some leech's fucking baby 'cause I hadn't been fast enough. Fuck. Nessie crying, screaming for me, begging. Shit.

"No."

I couldn't. I was already inches away from phasing as it was and – just no. No, no, no.

"What do you mean?"

"No." Nessie, some fucking bloodsucker pressing down on top of her. "I can't talk to you about this anymore, Nessie, it's driving me insane – every time I think about those fucking _bloodsuckers_ and . . . and what they want to do with you, I want to lose it." Nessie, locked up in a cage somewhere. I_ am_ going to lose it. "I can't think about anybody hurting you, Ness, I won't. I'll fucking kill every single goddamn one of them before they touch you."

Thank God, the questions stopped. But the pictures didn't.

"If you want to ask about what we're doing or how we found out or anything like that, I'll talk to you, but not about this. Not about those goddamn bloodsuckers wanting to lay hands on you, to t – "

Nessie, cringing away while a white hand ran up her stomach. Nessie, all the light burned out of her eyes.

I closed my eyes. Not a very good idea while I was driving, but I had to do something to get the thoughts out. They wouldn't leave.

Nessie, laying on a bed with the sheets stained red. Nessie, chained to a wall. Nessie, away from me. Nessie –

I felt my muscles start to move. My body needed to phase, needed to burn off the excess energy. My human body couldn't handle the anger, the hate, the fear –

"Okay, Jacob, okay." I kinda sensed Nessie moving beside me, but my brain was too full of the Nessie in my head. Bleeding and broken. Hurt and crying. "Everything's going to be all right, don't get so upset."

I stared at her while I let her words soak in. Nessie was here, beside me. She was safe for now. She would stay safe. Everything would be fine. I knew it, but I didn't believe it.

Nessie lifted her hand up and brushed back my hair, her hand sliding down my neck and shoulder to my arm. I forced myself a little more back into control. I couldn't phase this close to her. I'd – I'd hurt her.

"You said it yourself: nothing's going to happen to me." Had I? "You have to calm down, Jake."

I just kinda stared at her. I don't know how I hadn't wrecked the car yet. Then she reached over and hugged me, pressing her soft cheek into mine. It felt like home.

"I can't think about it, Ness." But I was, pictures of Nessie I never wanted to see again still swirling in my brain. "I want to fucking kill somebody every time I think about it."

Every dream, every nightmare I'd had over the last few weeks and managed to push away during the light of day came pouring down on me now. I wanted to scream. I wanted to do more than sit in this car and hope we could get away fast enough, trust in other people to do their job. I wanted to kill every one of those Volturi bastards.

"Pull over, Jacob," Nessie said in my ear and I knew she was right. "Pull over now. Stop the car and calm down. You have to calm down. Please."

I did, sliding over onto the shoulder. I didn't think I'd be able to drive for much longer anyway, if this shit kept up. I cut the engine and threw the seat back, covering my face with my hands. Nessie started rubbing my hands, trying to get me to pull them down but I couldn't. I was still fighting the urge not to phase.

"It's all right, Jake." God, her voice was so sweet. But now all I could think about was how she'd sounded the last time I'd heard her crying. "Everything's fine, you even said it. Nothing's going to hurt me. I know you won't let that happen – I trust you, Jake."

I wanted to let those words make me feel good. I really did. I just – my brain was too full. Of everything.

Nessie crying, Nessie bleeding, Nessie broken, Nessie afraid. Nessie, Nessie, Nessie, Nessie, Nessie, Nessie –

I felt something settle into my lap and my hands dropped down. My eyes flew open to see Nessie settling herself across my legs. I forced myself into control. Nessie was closer than close now. Phasing was not an option.

Nessie leaned forward and pressed her head against my shoulder. She looked up at me and her eyes shocked me. She took one of my hands in her tiny one and pressed it to her chest, just above her breast. I could feel her heartbeat.

"See, I'm here, I'm fine. I'm with you – I know I'm safe with you."

"Nessie, I – "

"I know and I'm sorry." I was glad she cut me off because I didn't know what to say. "I shouldn't have pushed you like that, and I didn't know it – it . . . upset you that much to think about it. It doesn't matter what they want, because they're not going to get to me. I know that. I was just – afraid at first, but I'm not anymore. Don't think about it, Jake, if it makes you feel that bad. Don't torture yourself; I don't want to see it."

She'd asked. And we all know I was helpless against what Nessie wanted. The shaking stopped. I calmed down – a little.

She'd been scared. That's what I'd been afraid of. I never wanted her to have a second of worry, not with me. And now that the urge to phase was out of the way, another was building up. Nessie felt so amazing in my lap - she was so beautiful and so close and so completely mine. Except not.

I ran my hand up from where she had it to her neck and my fingers caught in some hair that had fell out of place. It was so smooth under my fingers. Nessie sighed when I started playing with it and I fought the urge to kiss her.

"Don't be afraid." I just about kicked myself when I realized how that sounded, but I didn't care. Nessie wasn't dirty-minded; she would know what I meant. "I don't want you to ever be afraid with me."

"I'm – I'm not. I was just shocked initially, Jacob. I'm fine now, I promise."

She really did feel so good, her body and her words. And I wanted her closer, so I shifted and Nessie immediately followed, letting me wrap an arm around her waist. Oh, wow. And just to imagine – if, if she loved me too it could be like this all the time.

My fingers found the belt loop of her jeans and I couldn't help playing with it. I hoped I wasn't bothering her, but she was seriously making me feel better like nothing else could right now.

"Jake."

Her voice was so soft. I looked down.

God, her lips were close to mine. I could even lean forward and say it was an accident. Nessie reached up and touched my cheek lightly and I knew what she was going to do the split second before she did.

I felt a connection being made between us, the one that I loved so much and then I saw us.

I saw me "hunting" her through the forest, but it was different from her perspective. I felt the thrill of fear of the chase and the anticipation and the . . . desire to be caught? I felt happiness and shock as my arms came around her waist and dragged her to the ground.

"Say 'Jake is my Alpha'," I told her, looking up at my own face instead of down at hers like I remembered it, and then the scene changed.

I saw a much smaller Nessie and me playing in the water at La Push. A wave would come in and I'd let it barrel us to the ground, my arms caging Nessie tight against me.

"You're squeezing me too hard!" Nessie whined when we broke the surface, trying to pull away a little but I could feel that she didn't really want to.

"I can't let you go, Ness," I told her and kissed her cheek. I felt how nice it felt for her.

Then I felt a wave of contentment as my arm settled around my – Nessie's shoulders. Happiness. Safety. She felt safe with me.

And then I felt myself – Nessie – curled against a hot, large body and feeling completely at peace. I felt the security she did at the touch, how she felt when she slept beside me.

Then the pictures disappeared and I just got emotions. It made me able to concentrate more on Nessie's face in front of me but I wasn't sure whether that was a good or bad thing. I felt strong love and safety and security and trust. So much love and trust.

Then it disappeared. Nessie was done showing me, but she didn't move her hand.

I didn't know what to do. I was much more calm in one way than I had been before, but much worse in another.

"See?"

Yeah, Ness, I definitely see.

"Y-yeah."

Nessie made a sudden movement, stretching up and I jerked my head to follow. She had been trying to kiss my cheek, but it landed right beside the corner of my lips. Oh, fuck. Her lips were _so_ soft and right beside mine. So close.

I couldn't move away from her, but I knew I couldn't stay where I was so I leaned forward a little. I let my lips brush slowly against the soft skin of Nessie's cheek, taking my time since I didn't know when or if I would get to do this again.

Then I kissed her cheek like I imagined I would kiss her lips if I ever got the chance.

I bit back a groan and started pulling my head back, my lips dragging back across her cheek. If I kept this path up, I was going to brush the corner of her lips – and then what would I do? I needed to stop but I couldn't.

Right before I found out what I would have done, something rapped on the window.

I threw Nessie back into the passenger seat and turned until I was facing the window, a growl in my throat. I was back to working on instinct.

"Police, open up."

Thank God. I think.

I rolled the window down to reveal the cop. He looked nice enough, but my body was still cooling down from being right up against Nessie and I really didn't feel like dealing with any of this.

He pushed back his glasses and leaned forward to look inside the car like they do on TV. Well, this was California. Maybe he took acting classes.

He kinda-smiled in a way I wasn't sure I liked.

"How are you two doing today/"

"We're fine." Please just get to the point. "How about you?"

"I'm doing all right, but I've got to tell you that the shoulder of the highway is no place for this sort of thing – it's dangerous, being so close to passing cars. There's an exit a few miles down with a rest stop if you need to . . . ah, take a break."

Oh, shit. What did he think we were doing, screwing in the car? I felt myself go a little red. And more importantly, what would Nessie think?

"It's not like that, sir," I said real quick. I didn't want Nessie to feel embarrassed or . . . disrespected. "I just got a little upset over something, so I pulled over until I could calm down and concentrate on the road."

The cop leaned down to look at Nessie like he was checking my story. She nodded quickly, her cheeks bright pink.

"All right, well, Mister . . . ?"

"Wolfe." Thank God I remembered that.

"Mr. Wolfe, mind if I see your license?"

I turned to Nessie, hoping she was ready to play along. "You've got it, right, Vanessa?"

Wow, I didn't like that. Calling her something other than Nessie.

Please don't ask me why my girlfriend's carrying my ID in her purse. Please don't ask me why my girlfriend's carrying my ID in her purse.

Nessie did good, blocking the cop's view subtly with her back while she fished my ID out. She handed it to me and I passed it on over.

He just looked at it for a minute. I was glad he didn't run it, even though I knew it would be there if he did. The Cullens were just that good. He gave it back.

"Everything seems to be in order. All the way from Arizona, huh?"

"Yes, sir." I tried to smile, but it felt weird. I just wanted to get gone. "California is the place to come for vacation, or so I hear."

"You're right about that, son." Son? You're what – five years older than me? Maybe? He knocked the roof of the Porsche like they did on cop shows. "All right, you're all set. Have fun for the rest of your vacation – just stop at a rest stop next time. You have a good day."

"Will do." It was going pretty fucking good before you got here.

I rolled the window back up as soon as the cop walked off, but I waited until he pulled out to follow him. I kept it slow and let him get a good way ahead. Just to be safe.

I didn't know what to say to Nessie, so I didn't say anything. I wanted to thank her, and apologize, but I wasn't sure how. I wanted to assure her that I'd keep her safe again but I couldn't bring that subject back up.

"Vanessa?" She said after a minute. "Nessie works for Vanessa too, you know, which is probably why they chose it."

I couldn't help but smile, a little.

"I know, but I didn't know if he was going to ask for your ID to, and it just seemed better to be safe than sorry. And I was just trying to get out of there as quick as possible, with as few questions asked as I could manage."

"Oh. That makes sense." Nessie shifted in her seat. "It's just weird to hear you call me anything other than Nessie."

God. I love you so much, Nessie.

The fact that she wanted to be called Nessie, the name I had given her, seriously pleased me to no end.

"It felt weird."

"Did it?"

"I've called you Nessie since the day you were born." What an amazing day that was.

"Seriously?" She sounded surprised.

I nodded again, smiling as I remembered it.

"Renesmee sure is a big name for a little girl," I'd said. Yeah, I actually said that. "How 'bout I call you . . . Nessie? Does Nessie work?"

And she'd broke out into this big, white-toothed grin. I thought I'd died and gone to heaven.

I just nodded again. Her eyes were exactly the same as when she was born. I remember how they looked as she peered up at me from my lap.

I definitely felt differently about them now.

"I'm sorry about freaking out like that, Ness."

What else was there to say?

Nessie looked like she was reaching for me and I almost got excited, but she just let her hand fall onto the armrest. "It's okay."

"Thank you for calming me down." You're the only person who ever could. "I haven't lost control like that in a long time – not that badly."

"I'm sorry, then. I shouldn't have kept pushing you."

No, Nessie. No, honey, no.

"So you're not freaked out?" I said instead, trying to play it off. "You're not wondering what you got yourself into having a werewolf for a best friend?"

"You promise _you_ won't freak out if I tell you something?"

"No, of course not, Nessie," I told her immediately. "You can tell me."

Please tell me. Trust me again. I'll do better this time, I swear.

"I mean, it sounds bad, but . . . try to understand it when I say: it didn't scare me, I was kind of . . . flattered." I was about to ask her what the hell she meant but she hurried on. "I mean, I don't ever want you to be upset or anything but happy, but it feels nice to know that you care that much."

What did she think?

"Of course I care that much, Nessie." What, she thought that because she didn't want me like that I wouldn't love her as much? "You are literally my best friend in the entire world. There's nobody else I love as much as you."

She was quiet for a second, and I thought maybe I'd freaked her out but I didn't feel bad. She had to know. She had to know beyond doubt.

"Me too, Jake," she finally said quietly and my heart literally almost stopped. "I love you most too."

And just like that, it was all worth it.

She loved Seth. She wanted him and not me, okay. That hurt like a bitch and it always would. I would never – be okay with that. But she loved me most. Most, more than her family or . . . or him. She loved me.

I could do this.

"Really, Nessie?"

She just looked at me. Damn it, her eyes were gonna make me crash this car. "Who else?"

My question exactly.

* * *

**Coming up:**

"I'm sorry, Nessie." I was gritting my teeth so hard it hurt. "He's fine, though I don't know how you – "

I bit my tongue so hard I tasted blood. I couldn't say it. I wouldn't say it.

I wouldn't say that I didn't see how it mattered. That he doesn't want you. That he could never want you because he imprinted. He doesn't belong to you. I belong to you. You're mine, not his. You love me most, right? That's what you said? So why're you giving a fuck about Seth when you've got me right here?

Nessie stopped struggling to get away from me. I felt a little better. "Okay. Well, how's everybody else? How's Billy?"

Damn, the girl knew how to hit a nerve, didn't she?


	14. Stay With You

**_A/N: _**Hey y'all - I'm back. Again. I think y'all will like this chapter because it's mostly new scenes or scenes that are completely different from Jake's point of view, like the phasing scene. It was surprisingly hard for me - I really had a hard time with it, especially because there's a very big difference between what you think and what you say so, like I said, it was hard. Tell me if I did horrible.

Oh, also, I'm at my Momma's where I have been since Wednesday without my computer. This is the last of the chapters I have saved to my FF.n account so if I'm not home by Thursday (which I should be, but just warning) your next update might be a day late. Just a heads-up.

**_Disclaimer: _**I don't own SportsCenter. And if I did, I'd sell it because I couldn't care less. Or maybe I'd give it to my dad - he'd get a kick out of it.

* * *

Stay With You

* * *

_and i am sorry my conscience called in sick again  
__and i've got arrogance down to a science_

_- fall out boy, i slept with someone in fall out boy and all i got was this stupid song written about me_

-

Damn it, this was gonna be an issue.

Nessie had just come out of the bathroom in her new pajamas. I was actually thanking God she hadn't got the shorts like I wanted. How would I have been able to handle it? My heart would've given out. Here she was, standing here in nearly-pants and a t-shirt and I was losing my mind.

These were nothing like the pajamas she wore at home, all big and loose. Shit. They were close-fitted and clingy and oh shit, I think I could see the line of her underwear when she turned around.

"What do you think, Jake?" She asked after she'd finished her turn. My brain was stuck. "Nice?"

Nice? Nice? Nice wasn't the fucking word. Amazing wasn't even the word.

How was I gonna do this?

"Yeah, Ness," I told her instead. "Real nice."

She smiled and crawled over to me on the bed. My sick eyes had to look away so I wouldn't think bad things. She snuggled into my side and pressed her cheek into my chest.

"Thank you for talking to me, Jacob," she said quietly after a second. "I won't ask you about those things again. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay, Ness." I kissed her hair, even though I probably shouldn't have. "Don't worry about it."

"Can I ask you a question, though? Not about that."

I couldn't help but laugh a little. "Whatever you want, Nessie."

"Why us?" Huh? "Me and you, I mean. Why didn't we run all together? Or with somebody else?"

"Carlisle and Edward figure the . . . the leech can't sense us. Wolves, I mean." Damn it, please don't wish you were with somebody else. "So I might block him the way I do Alice. So it has to be a wolf."

"Oh."

"And I wouldn't let you go with anyone else."

"Why?"

"I wouldn't be able to stand it – being without you."

She looked up at me. "I wouldn't go with anyone else."

Fuck. Not even Seth? But no way in hell was I gonna ask that.

Nessie rubbed her foot along the bottom of my sweatpants leg, grabbed some of the material with her toes.

"I'm sleepy, Jake."

"Well, sleep." I remembered something. "Are you hungry?"

She shook her head. "I'll wait until morning."

"All right." I got up, threw the extra pillow on the floor. Nessie's arm tried to chase me. "You sleep then, Nessie. We're gonna get up early tomorrow."

Nessie's eyes changed in a way I didn't like when she saw me settle down onto the floor.

"You're not going to stay with me?"

"I'm right here, Nessie," I told her, grabbing the remote. I figured I'd try to find some sports but I'd probably end up watching Nessie the whole time. "I'm with you."

"You know what I mean."

"No." Damn it, it hurt to say it.

"Why not?" Don't beg me, Ness. Don't sound so sad. Please. "Please, Jacob. You did last night."

"That was last night." And it was also the best and worst night of my life. "It was the first night. You were scared and – confused and everything else. We can't keep doing that."

"I'm scared now." The way she said it, an immediate reaction to my words, I knew she was lying. She just wanted me on the bed with her, for whatever reason, and I couldn't. God, I wanted to, but I couldn't.

"You're not."

"You don't know what I am."

I was going to say something but she had already buried herself under the covers with her back to me. It hurt me, physically hurt me, to reject her but she just didn't get it. She didn't get how twisted in the head I was. I couldn't spend another night pressed against her warm body and trust myself not to . . . to do something I'd regret. I had to keep my space.

Just the idea made my stomach hurt.

I reached up and cut off the lamp. I thought I heard a sniffle but I ignored it. It was probably my ears.

"G'night, Nessie."

No answer. Please let her already be asleep.

She seemed a little tired but fine when I woke her up the next morning and she showered and dressed and we got on the road just like the day before. But again that night:

"Jacob?"

I looked up from SportsCenter.

"Yeah, Ness?"

"The carpet is gross."

I wasn't about to argue with her. "Pretty gross, yeah. So?"

"Don't sleep on the floor."

I groaned. Why did she keep doing this to me?

"Nessie – "

"Stay on top of the covers. Or under them and I'll stay on top if you want."

"No, Nessie."

"I'm taking a shower."

And the next night:

"Jacob, why do you keep getting one-bed rooms?"

Because it's my idea of penance. Because I want everyone, from the cleaning lady to the guy at the register to know you're mine. Because even though I pretend I don't, I like the jealous looks I get when I order a single-bed room with you.

"Because it's cheaper," I said instead.

"We have more than enough."

"We don't know how long we'll have to make it last." I chanced a look at Nessie. I usually didn't when she was asking me about this. It made me want to give in. She looked sad. "Besides, I'm used to sleeping on the ground."

"I think you're being stupid."

"I know you do."

"You don't make any sense."

"That's okay."

"I need to wash my hair."

She was always normal when she woke up though. Maybe a little tired. I kept waiting for the morning her irritation would carry on from the night and she wouldn't speak to me but it never did. She slept a lot in the car, though. I was worried she was getting sick, but Nessie kept saying she wasn't.

Nessie acted normal, but . . . absent. Like she was talking to me, but not really there. Like she wasn't really in the conversation. Sometimes I'd joke with her and she'd laugh a minute too late or give the wrong response to something and I'd know she wasn't listening. I wanted nothing more than to make her feel better but I didn't know how.

And after our sleeping-argument, which had become a nightly thing now, she's always run off to the shower and stay there for forever. A couple of times I actually got worried and went and knocked on the door.

I think she might have been crying. Sometimes, I heard . . . sniffling and her cheeks were always pink when she came out but I brushed it off. I couldn't sleep with her. I couldn't. And if – if I knew that she was crying over me, well, that would only make everything so much harder.

I tried to be extra nice, sit up and talk with her until she fell asleep, but it never seemed to work. And she always brought it up. I hated telling her no.

On the morning of our fifth day, I woke up before Nessie like I did every morning (something that never happened back home) and shook her gently awake. I told her I needed to go phase. It'd been about a week and I didn't want to cut it close. I didn't need to start aging.

And Nessie, of course, was coming the hell with me.

She sat up, wiping her eyes sleepily. They were still so tired. Why?

"Where are you going to phase?"

"I've got to find a place, I reckon." And since I knew Nessie liked being kept in the loop, "Come on, Ness. We might be able to get some news from the guys if someone's phased."

She perked up a little then, sliding out of bed and taking her clothes from the day before with her to the bathroom. I tried not to think about why she was so happy. I really hoped Seth wasn't phased.

I wrapped my arm around Nessie's shoulders as we walked out the door, loving the feeling of her against me. I hadn't been touching her as much lately. I – I missed it.

I made sure we got a room at a hotel near some woods last night and we walked a few miles in. I walked slow – for us, anyway – taking more time than I needed since I didn't want to let her go. Nessie was quiet the entire time.

I let Nessie go once I had made sure there was nobody around for several miles.

"I don't know how long I have to phase for to stop the aging, since I've just done it regularly for the last eight years." I pulled my shirt up over my head and handed it to Nessie. She slung it over her shoulder. "Ten minutes should do it, though, I think."

Nessie's eyes kinda flicked towards me weird. I suddenly was aware that I was, well, without a shirt. I never had been before. I mean, I hardly ever wore them at all until Nessie started getting a little older and Edward started throwing fits. Even then, I didn't wear them much.

Did it bother her now?

I walked off to some bushes to phase and Nessie turned her back on me. She was so sweet. I stripped my jeans off and left them there. It felt good to phase – burn off all the excess energy that had been building up the past few days.

Nessie turned literally the second after I phased. I wasn't sure how she knew, but she did. She was grinning. I realized she hadn't seen Wolf-Jake in awhile. I grinned back, which looked much different as a wolf but I'm sure Nessie got it.

I walked over to her and threw myself down on the ground. Nessie sat down beside me and leaned into my side. She pressed her face into the fur at my neck and breathed in deep and I made a noise than made me sound like a cat and not a dog. I couldn't help it. It felt good to have her close like this.

There was nobody in my head and I was glad, even though I knew Nessie would be disappointed. I didn't want to talk to anybody. I seriously could do without talking to anybody ever again besides Nessie.

I rubbed my nose into her cheek and she crinkled hers. It was nice to be with her like this – as a wolf, the physical attraction wasn't as strong and I could just be without anything interfering.

Then I licked her face. Something that meant something very different as wolf than as a human.

"Jacob Black!" She wiped at her face and tried to act like she was mad but she was grinning too big. "Are you crazy? You don't lick me when you're human, do you? What makes you think you can do it now?"

I want to lick you when I'm human, Ness, trust me. Even more than now.

_Jake?_

It was Embry.

And then I saw it. I couldn't help it – I whined. I let my head fall into Nessie's lap. She scratched me behind the ears and it comforted me a little but nowhere near good enough.

_When? What – how?_

I could see trees flying past Embry as he ran. He was doing patrol.

_I don't know. Seth went over to see him after patrol and – and he found him. He was passed out and he called the ambulance and – and now he's stable but, Jake –_

Fuck. Billy. My Dad.

_But what? _Even though I already knew. I already saw the thought.

_It doesn't look good. _

_What is it?_

_Coma._

Fuck.

_What the hell happened?_

_The docs say he had a stroke and – and with his diabetes – _

_Is he alone?_

_Of course not, Jake, what do you think we are? _I could feel him get defensive. _Charlie and Sue are with him pretty much all the time and everybody else is taking turns. Charlie even got them to ignore visiting hours so somebody's with him all the time. _

I didn't even tell him bye. I didn't even tell him I was leaving. I didn't –

_Don't beat yourself up, Jake. We – even the guys who haven't imprinted know how it is. We would have done the same._

_And Rach?_

_Her and Paul got back the day before yesterday. She's been really good about it._

_And this happened?_

_The day after you left._

It was my fault. I literally gave my dad a fucking stroke.

_No, Jake, na-uh. Quit with that. He – we're with him. Everybody's with him and it's not your fault. Sam told everybody to ask you if you needed anything if we talked to you._

My thought was immediate. _Watch out for my dad._

_Of course. Anything else?_

_No._ I didn't want to think about this anymore. _Anything else going on?_

_No. The Cullens are gone, but you know that. _

_Yeah, I know that. _Damn it, all I could think of was Billy in a hospital bed. He hated fucking hospitals. _How long does he got, Embry? Don't lie to me._

_I don't know. _It was the truth._ He could still get better. _That wasn't.

I just kind of sat there for awhile, not thinking about anything. I watched Embry run along the La Push borders that I'd run a thousand times. I was vaguely aware of Nessie under me, scratching my ears. She made me feel better without even realizing.

_I'm gonna go, man._

_All – all right. Just, phase when you can. _

_I will more often now. I wanted to keep updated. Remember what I told you._

_Will do. _

I stood up and walked away from Nessie and bag to the bushes. I phased and pulled my jeans back on quickly. The second I phased back everything came crashing down on me, a thousand times harder than it had been before. I was a human with human emotions and now I couldn't lose myself in the wolf.

My fucking Dad was dying. And it was my fault.

I did up my jeans as I walked back over to Nessie and took my shirt back. I probably should have said something, but well, I felt like shit.

"Is everything okay back home?"

"Everything's fine." I didn't need her worrying too. "Let's go."

I wrapped an arm around her and it made me feel a little better but nowhere near good. I felt like I wanted to puke. I hated myself so goddamn much right now.

And then Nessie asked me, "Is it Seth? Is he all right?"

"Don't talk to me about Seth," I spat at her with all the hate I felt for him and myself.

Her eyes widened and she shrunk back from me, tried to pull out from under my arm but I wouldn't let her go. No way would I. Shit. I'd done it again.

"I'm sorry, Nessie." I was gritting my teeth so hard it hurt. "He's fine, though I don't know how you – "

I bit my tongue so hard I tasted blood. I couldn't say it. I wouldn't say it.

I wouldn't say that I didn't see how it mattered. That he doesn't want you. That he could never want you because he imprinted. He doesn't belong to you. I belong to you. You're mine, not his. You love me most, right? That's what you said? So why're you giving a fuck about Seth when you've got me right here?

Nessie stopped struggling to get away from me. I felt a little better. "Okay. Well, how's everybody else? How's Billy?"

Damn, the girl knew how to hit a nerve, didn't she?

"Fine." I turned my face away from her so she wouldn't see it and know I was lying.

I threw myself into the chair as soon as we got into the room. As much as I needed Nessie, I needed a second to think.

"Go take a shower if you want one."

She just looked at me. I actually felt myself getting kinda pissed that she hadn't listened to me.

"What's wrong, Jacob?" She tried to touch my hand but I snatched it back.

I – I couldn't do that. I could let her look at me like that and touch me like that and ask me what's wrong and be exactly right. I would break down and tell her everything and probably even fucking cry and men didn't do that shit. I would be strong. Nessie needed somebody to protect her, not cry on her.

She took a step back from me.

"Don't – just, don't, Nessie, I'm fine." I couldn't even look at her. "Go take a shower."

She obeyed me then but my stomach didn't clench. I couldn't even feel it.

Then the door clicked shut and I heard a burst of noise that I recognized at once. Crying. I'd made her cry again.

I seriously was about to jump up and go after her but then the shower cut on and I knew I couldn't. She sobbed the whole time – and I heard every second. Even over the water.

Shit – what had I done?

After awhile she seemed to calm down. It got harder to hear her. I looked around, saw her bag and realized she'd forgotten her clothes. Trying to be nice and hope it'd soften her up so I could beg her to forgive me, I picked up her bag and set it in front of the bathroom door. The crying got louder when I got closer though, so I went back to my chair quick.

Okay, fuck. Think, Jake, think.

Your Dad's dying. That's your fault, not Nessie's. You can't take it out on her. You can't – you can never be fucking mean to her again. You keep this up and no matter how much she loves you, she's gonna get sick of it. She's not going to want to deal with you making her cry over and over again.

It's not her fault she doesn't want you. You were the one who messed something up.

The bathroom door cracked open and Nessie's pale arm reached out and snatched her back inside. I saw a flash of copper in the reflection of the mirror before she snapped the door shut.

Okay, she was coming out now. Calm the fuck down. At least she wasn't crying anymore.

I looked up from my hands when she came out again and was shocked again by how gorgeous she was. All warm and soft, her cheeks pink from the shower and . . . and crying. Her eyes were a little red too. Damn it.

Before I knew it, I was standing in front of her.

"I'm so sorry, Nessie." You don't even know how much. "I'm so sorry that I made you cry. I wasn't mad at you, it was something else, but that's no excuse. I'm so sorry."

She smiled a little. "You always say that."

Here it was. She was starting to get sick of me.

"I know I do, but I keep messing up and keep having to do it over again. I'm so sorry, I really am."

Please forgive me. Please.

"I'm not angry, Jacob." I seriously almost kissed her. "You just hurt my feelings a little, that's all. You made me promise to tell you whenever something bothered me, and I did, but you won't tell me." Her cheeks went pink. "And I want to help you, Jake, and it's not fair that you won't let me. It hurts me when I see that you're hurting." She took a step closer to me. "And the past few days you've been weird, and then today after you talked to your brothers you were so angry, so I thought you missed them and were regretting coming with me and I felt bad."

She gave me a lot of things with that speech, but one stuck out so much more than the others.

"You felt _bad_?" Was she insane? Or just the sweetest girl who had ever lived? "You felt bad because you thought _I_ didn't want to be here?"

She nodded.

"And you're upset and crying in the shower, not because I got angry with you again and scared you when I said I wouldn't, but because I wouldn't tell you how I was feeling and you were worried for _me_?"

She nodded again.

I actually laughed and I couldn't help it, I snatched her up into my arms. Nobody on earth except my Nessie could be that kind, that sweet, that selfless. It had never been more unfair that she wasn't mine.

Nessie wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled herself closer, sending my head spinning with her scent. I spun her like I did when she was little and we ended up right by the bed.

"God, Nessie." Please, God, give me the strength not to kiss her. "When will you realize the only place I want to be is wherever you are?"

"When I understand why?"

I was seriously, dangerously close to kissing her perfect pink lips. They were so close, and I wasn't sure I could resist. I dropped her onto the bed, not exactly smooth, but I threw myself down next to her and Nessie didn't seem to mind.

"I wouldn't be able to explain it if I tried."

"Try anyway."

Because I'm seriously, crazily, LifeTime-movie-like in love with you. Because I can't breathe when you're away from me. Because you make me feel like everything's worth it. Because watching you smile makes my day. Because touching you makes me forget where I am. Because I could seriously die happy after one kiss from you. Because I have never felt my heart so full of love for anything or anything as I do for you and it scares and strengthens me and I need you.

"It's stuff like this," I said instead, the safest answer. "I act like a complete and total ass and hurt you and make you cry, and then come to find out, the reason you're crying is because you think you hurt me or you're worried that I feel bad."

"But Jacob," Nessie said, reaching up above our heads to take my hand. "It's because we're best friends, remember? Remember our promise – it goes both ways. You can tell me anything and I won't cry or get mad or any of the stupid stuff that I do."

I smiled. Then I remembered another promise she needed to make. I asked her, rolling onto my side and taking my hand back from her to prop up my head. I touched her cheek gently with my other hand and she leaned in closer.

She nodded.

"Don't ever cry over me again." Her eyes flew open. "Hit me, scream at me, do whatever you want – but please don't ever shed another tear because of me."

"I – I can't promise that, Jacob." Why? "I can promise to try, but . . . "

"But what?"

"I love you too much." Oh, fuck. "I love you entirely too much, Jacob. When you're hurt, I hurt. When you're happy, I'm flying. I don't' know why it's like that, but it is. The best way I could keep that promise is if you promise me to stay happy."

Damn, girl. I let my hand go down over her arm while I was thinking, then back up again.

"I'm happy when I'm with you. Stay with me, Ness, and we'll both be happy."

Nessie sat up then, pushing herself up onto her elbows and I had to lift my head back. Or our faces would collide – our lips would. And I don't think I could be strong enough to stand that.

"You're not happy now."

She looked me in the eye and I couldn't look away. She was right. I – I shouldn't lie to her. She didn't deserve it. She never lied to me, even when it was hard.

"I'm sorry, Nessie." Again.

"What about this time?"

"For lying to you."

Her heart thudded and her eyes got scared. Why?

"About what?"

"About nothing being wrong." I thought about Billy lying in a hospital bed again and I flinched. I sat up, crossed my legs, ate some time. "There is."

Nessie followed me quickly, got on her knees in front of me.

"What is it?"

"It's Billy." Fuck. How was I gonna say it? Nessie loved him too. "He's uh . . . had a stroke. And he's in a coma."

I guess that's how.

My stomach started eating itself again, and Nessie's face fell, the corners of her eyes turned down.

"Oh, Jacob."

And then she was in my lap. She wrapped her arms around my neck and used it to pull herself close. This was different than that day in the car. She was straddling me. We had never done this.

I knew I wasn't strong enough. I knew I shouldn't test myself. I knew it was dangerous to have her that close, wrapped around me like that when I wasn't in control, especially now. But I needed her and she wanted me close too and I didn't give a damn. I wrapped my arms around her tiny waist and pulled her closer.

Nessie didn't say anything, just ran her hands down my back and shoulders. She felt so good, something to fall into. I put my head on her shoulder and closed my eyes. I just wanted to stay like this. Forever.

"Are you okay?" Nessie asked, her voice tiny, after a minute.

"I don't know." That was the truth. I moved my face to her neck – her skin always smelled so good, but especially here. She put her fingers in my hair. "I just don't know, Ness."

"What do the doctor's think?"

I remembered Embry's words.

"They say it doesn't look good." I didn't want to look at Nessie, but I needed to see her, so I pulled back anyway. My voice sounded so fucking pathetic. "God, Nessie, what am I gonna do?"

"Oh, Jacob." Nessie's hand in my hair pressed my face back into her neck and I let her, let her hold me close. She'd never done this before either, not like this. "Whatever you want to do. Do you need to go back? Should you go back and see Billy?"

See, that was exactly why I shouldn't have told her.

"No." I used the Alpha-voice, laid down the law. I looked straight at her so she knew I wasn't joking. "Absolutely not. It's not safe for you."

"Well . . ." I could almost hear the gears in her mind whirring. "I can stay . . . we can ask Alice to see . . ."

Oh fuck no, she was not about to start this shit. She wasn't getting anywhere near not right beside me.

"No," I told her again. She shivered in my arms. "No, Renesmee, don't even think about it. We will not be going back to Forks and you will not be out of my sight until this is done with."

Don't even think about it. Don't even try.

"But Jacob – Billy . . ."

"I know." You think I don't? "But I love you most, Nessie, and I can't risk letting anything happen to you. Billy would understand."

I hope.

"You're not supposed to say that."

"You said it too."

Please don't tell me you were joking. Please don't tell me you were lying. Please don't tell me you changed your mind.

Nessie looked confused, like she had forgot so I said, "You said you loved me most too."

Her eyes looked guilty for a second. Nessie leaned in and pressed her cheek against mine and I ran my hands up and down her small back. She felt so good.

"I know I did, Jake." I could feel her breath on my ear. "I know."

"Did you mean it?"

She pulled back to look at me, her eyes . . . hard. "What do you think?"

"We're not separating," I told her instead, since I didn't know what to say. I saw from her eyes that she was telling the truth. "And we're not going back until all this is done. Get it out of your head, Nessie, I'm serious."

Sorry, Billy.

Nessie didn't acknowledge that she'd heard me.

"You hear me, Ness?" I looked her dead in the eyes, made sure the command in my voice was clear. I wasn't having some shit where she tried to sneak away from me for my own good. "You _will not_ leave my side, do you understand me? Nessie – I'm talking to you. Answer me."

Nessie didn't look happy about it, but she nodded obediently and hugged me back to her.

"Yes, Jacob."

My stomach clenched.

* * *

**All right**, here's what happened: this is the last of the chapters I have with me currently so I can't do a **coming up**. And that makes me feel bad and doesn't sit right with my OCD-ness so anyone who reviews can ask for a chapter title between chapter 15 which is next chapter to chapter 18 which is the last of the chapters with a name that I have for this story and I'll PM it to them. Or, they can ask for one of the chapter titles from _Hands on Me_ from 35-56 which are the only chapters with names as of now.

So, yeah. Do that if you want. And thanks for reading!

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	15. Screw Lisa From Florida

_**A/N:** _Hey everyone - here's the newest chapter and probably my favorite so far with Undeniable. You get a lot of Jake's inner turmoil and rational behind the smoking. I loved writing his pain - is that masochistic? It was also great to write Jake's little . . . fascinations with Nessie's anatomy. I think it was time it was said; I've hinted at it before but now Jake says it straight up. I just always thought Jake'd be that kinda guy. Anyway . . . it was great. Let me know what you think.

_**Disclaimer:** _I only own Lisa from Florida - tell me if you like her, 'cause I think she rocks.

* * *

BAM! (Or, Screw Lisa From Florida)

* * *

_i wish you'd do it again  
i'll watch you leave here limping_

_- nickelback, next contestant_

-

Nessie stopped asking me to sleep on the bed with her. But she started doing other stuff, like kissing my cheek every night before she went to sleep and telling me she loved me.

Now, I didn't mind a bit, but I was worried about why. I think she was lonely – her family was very affectionate, always hugging and kissing on each other and saying "I love you" and this was the first time in her entire life she'd been away from that. That was probably why she wanted me on the bed with her so bad.

Either way, things were a lot better now during the day. Nessie was making sure I phased at least every other day to keep tabs on Billy, but so far nothing was changing and I tried not to think about it. I just tried to concentrate on being with Nessie and keeping her away from leeches.

Nessie, in tradition with her getting excited over completely normal things, was all hyped up about washing our clothes at the laundromat. Of course, her being a genius, she got the hang of it in about three seconds and was better than me, not to mention she could fold clothes a lot better and faster.

And see, you know how Nessie's completely gorgeous? Well, I guess some poor stupid fucker thought he might have a chance.

He actually tried to talk to her. I seriously could have killed him.

Not to mention the fact that it was _my_ Nessie he was trying to chat up, he was old. At least my age. Probably older. And he was all smiling at her and oh, shit, I was gonna kill somebody.

"Are you with that guy over there?"

You better believe it, buddy. I started making my way over to them, forcing myself not to fly across the room and throttle him.

"Oh, yeah." Nessie was nodding. "That's Jake."

"So . . . you're not available?"

Oh, hell no.

"Availa – "

"She's not."

I put a hand on Nessie's shoulder, touching her, claiming her. She was mine. Dude better back off.

"No offense, man, but I'd like to hear it from her." He actually had the nerve to look at her again. "So are you available?"

"Available for what?"

I gripped Nessie's shoulder tighter. She didn't understand – she was so sweet and innocent; she didn't know anything about creepy older dudes who tried to chat up sixteen year old girls in laundromats.

"To go out."

I growled.

I couldn't help it. I was gonna kill him. I was glad to see him look a little scared. Good. Better late than never.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about." Damn, Nessie. "I can't go out anywhere – Jake and I are doing laundry, and I don't even know you."

That's right, Jake and I are doing laundry. Jake and I. And she doesn't know you. Scram.

"Are you seriously going to act like you don't know what I'm talking about? If you're with him, just say so."

No, he didn't think he was going to cop and attitude with my girl.

"I already did!" Seems Nessie didn't like him either. That was all I needed. "And I _don't_ know – "

I was already around the table to the guy's side. He looked like a toy next to me. I'm sure he felt like one too.

"You need to leave now." Or I will kill you. I will tear your throat out and rip off your kneecaps. I will personally scalp you. I'm Native, you know, we used to do that. "You heard her – she's obviously not interested, and if you're not on the other side of this building in thirty seconds I won't be held responsible for what I do to you."

"Whatever, man."

Whatever, man is right. He walked the hell away, didn't he? Pretty fast too. Fucker finally got the point.

He walked back over to his dryer and stared at us. I threw myself down in the chair next to Nessie and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. That's right, eat it up.

"What're you doing talking to people you don't know, Ness?"

She shivered. I pulled her a little closer and kissed the side of her head, right where her skin met her sweet-smelling hair. I shot a look back across at the guy who was watching us jealously. Mine.

"I wasn't trying to talk to him. He just came up and started asking a bunch of stupid questions – and he's just a human, I don't know what you got so mad about anyway – "

"God, Nessie, to be so smart, you sure are dumb."

Couldn't you tell how much he wanted you?

She pulled away from me a little. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Oh, come on now, don't get mad.

"Nothing," I told her quick. "I didn't mean it like that. I just forget you're not used to dealing with people. You don't see bad in anybody."

"But . . ." Ness looked like she was thinking hard. "What did he want?"

Everything I want, without as honorable reasons. He wanted to kiss you, to touch you – to more than touch you.

I pulled her close again. "You."

Nessie groaned and fell forward onto the pile of my shirts in front of her. My shirts. That she was folding. For me.

"I _still_ don't know what you're talking about."

Damn it, we were going to talk about this again? I reached out and rubbed Nessie's back a little and she relaxed some. That made me feel good.

"Remember what we talked about that day in my room?"

Like either of us could ever forget.

Nessie sat straight up.

"But I didn't touch him! I hadn't barely even talking to him! He doesn't even know me!"

He doesn't have to know you or talk to you or even touch you to see how amazing you are. How gorgeous. How sexy.

"I'm sure he didn't care very much either way what you had to say."

Nessie gasped like she just got it. She leaned into my chest and buried her face in my shirt.

"Why, though, Jacob?" She sounded so young. "I – I don't want him to – "

"Ness, honey, it's not something you can help." You can't blame yourself because perverts can't keep their eyes to themselves. "You're – you're beautiful, so of course people are going to notice, but that guy is sick. He was at least twenty-five and you can hardly claim sixteen."

"But I'm grown, Jacob." I see. "And mentally – "

"I know that, Nessie. Trust me, I know that." I didn't feel like evading for once. "But he didn't."

Nessie just laid against me for a few minutes, and I wasn't about to complain. The guy left after a minute or two and then Nessie sat up. She started folding my stuff really fast then. I think we were both in a hurry to get back to the hotel. I didn't think I could handle another dude trying to hit on Nessie.

And getting arrested was not in the game plan.

When we got back to the hotel, Nessie went immediately to change. I slipped out of my jeans and into sweats really fast while she was gone and tried to get comfortable on one of the small chairs. I didn't want to tempt Nessie into asking me to stay with her again by laying on the bed with her and for some reason she always got a little nervous when I laid down on the floor.

Nessie came back out yawning, her hair down. She must be getting ready to go to bed. She usually always kept it up.

She bent over to put her clothes in her bag and I couldn't tear my eyes away.

I seriously loved every part of Nessie. Every single bit of her was gorgeous, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't have favorites. Her eyes, her hair, her lips, those were all favorites.

But if you wanted to get into the real favorites – I mean, the guy ones, well. Nessie had the best ass.

I felt bad thinking about her like that, in those words. It just felt so crude. And Nessie wasn't crude. She was soft and warm and curvy and – see? But there was just no other word, because what Nessie had was an ass.

She – she wasn't built like Bella. She was shorter than her by a few inches, but she beat the little pixie out. She was probably about 5'2, I dunno. Still small as hell, though. Anyway, and she – she has the best hips. She's so tiny, I mean, both of my hands could probably span her waist but then you go down and it's just like BAM!

I remember thinking, though I don't really understand it now, a long time ago that Bella was sexy. I remember loving her body, but she had nothing on Ness. Nessie's . . . chest was nice, of course – amazing. They were normal sized, I guess, for her body and her legs were great too.

But damn, if her ass didn't drive me insane. It wasn't – big – nothing on her was big really, but she was just so small you didn't expect it and then she turns around – fuck. Seriously, there were a few months where I literally couldn't walk behind her because I didn't trust myself.

And when she bent down or stretched out – well. And in those tight sleeping pants. Thank God she didn't wear those to the laundromat. We would've had a line behind us. I almost growled at the thought.

Nessie straightened up and yawned again, shooting me a sleepy smile. I shifted in my seat. She kinda padded over to me. She stood in front of me, between my legs.

"I'm sleepy," she said, and then kinda laughed when she realized how obvious she sounded. She had the best laugh. "I'm gonna go to bed. Do you need anything?"

I shook my head no. She bit her lip and turned her head to the side a little.

"Okay, well." Nessie sighed a little, put her hands on the arm of my chair and leaned forward. I knew what she wanted, so I turned my head a little to let her kiss my cheek. "Love you, Jake."

God. Did she not know how hard it was not to throw her on the floor right now? Or the bed or the table or the bathroom counter?

"Love you too, Nessie."

"Good night."

"G'night."

I watched again, with too much interest, as she crawled across the bed and climbed under the covers. She smiled at me, a slow smile, one more time before she switched off the lamp next to her and turned her back on me. I changed the TV to SportsCenter and listened to her breathing slowly get more even.

I couldn't sleep and I got bored of sports after awhile. Nessie didn't know just how much I wanted to sleep with her too – I think she'd help me too. See, now, late at night when I didn't have Nessie and I couldn't sleep, that's when all the bad thoughts started creeping up on me.

You're killing your dad and you're the only supernatural wolf in a thousand years of supernatural wolves who couldn't make his mate love him. The regular. You know.

And I kept picturing Billy, all hooked up to a bunch of machines and shit in that god-awful Forks hospital. And that horrible smell – the hospital one? Shit.

I decided I was hot, so I pulled my shirt off. Then I cut the AC in the room on – it kicked on really loud.

Then I started plundering. Hopefully it would help me take my mind off, but probably not.

I opened all the drawers in the dresser and TV unit – I remember finding a Batman shirt in a hotel dresser when I was seven and thinking it was the most awesome thing ever. I always checked since then. Nothing. Checked the closet. Nothing.

I sat back down. Nessie kicked the covers off and drew one of her knees up close to her, her arm threaded under the pillow. Her back was facing me.

I pulled the drawer of the nightstand open. I figured I'd check the Bible and phonebook for signatures, if nothing else. There wasn't a phonebook or a Bible – this place was that shitty, but there was a notepad and pen that looked like it had been in there a few years.

I pulled it out, reckoning that if the pen at least worked that'd give me something to entertain myself with for at least the next half an hour. Under it was a pack of Camels.

Wonder how long they'd been there. I didn't recognize the label so I'm guessing awhile. I threw them on the table and started in with the pen and notepad.

I wrote my name a bunch. And Nessie's too. Nessie, though, not Renesmee. I realized I looked a lot like a fucking teenage girl writing Mrs. Tommy Matthews in hearts all over her notebook. Then I was tempted to write Nessie Black, just to see how it looked, but I didn't.

I tried to remember old phone numbers, but I wasn't good at that. I got Jackson's Auto, Quil's old number and Embry's too since that was back before cell phones and we had that shit memorized. I remembered our old number from back when I was real little 'cause my Mom screwed it into my head but after that I got stuck. Then I just started scribbling.

I looked down and realized I'd filled a whole page with 'Sarah and Billy Black'. Fuck. I threw the notepad in the garbage.

And I still didn't want to sleep.

I drummed my fingers on the table and stared at the pack of Camels.

I'd tried smoking once when I was like fourteen. At Embry's house. Quil stole a pack from his uncle and we thought we were cool. We tried one – took us about half and hour to figure out how to light it, we didn't know you had to drag it at the same time. Yeah, we were pansies.

Anyway, we all ended up coughing for half an hour and me and Embry threw up. We were all kinda embarrassed so we didn't talk about it much after that. Then the next week at school some girl named Sarah told me I had pretty teeth so I decided I wasn't going to try it again. Why mess up a good thing?

And her name had been Sarah. That mattered more than I pretended it did.

Shit. My mom. And now Billy.

I don't know why, but I picked the pack up and started playing with it. It was dusty. They would probably be stale as hell.

Why did it matter?

I opened them. It was mostly full. There were like three missing. In their space was a lighter.

I know this sounds lame as shit, but it felt like a sign.

I stood up. As stupid as it was, me being a werewolf and Ness being half-vamp, I wasn't going to do it with her in the room. We didn't know exactly how her body worked – it could affect her. I grabbed the keycard and the cigarettes – I didn't even put a shirt on.

I would just stand outside the door. Then Nessie wouldn't be alone.

I opened the door real quiet, watching to make sure Nessie didn't shift or wake up. I felt like I was doing something wrong, which was dumb as hell since I was a grown man and a werewolf and a soon-to-be fucking orphan.

Oh, yeah, I was doing this.

I shut the door quietly behind me and went and leaned against the railing since we were on the second floor. I pulled a cigarette and the lighter out and put the pack and the keycard in my pocket.

I looked at the cigarette for a minute. I don't know why I was being such a bitch about this. I stuck it in my mouth and flicked the lighter, dragging at the same time. Nothing happened.

So much for being a sign. Damn lighter didn't work.

"Need a light?"

I spun around, quicker than I should've, to see a black girl leaning on the rail a few rooms away. It bothered me that I hadn't heard her. Was I seriously this concentrated on this? I thought about her question.

"Sure, sure."

She walked forward and held the lighter out like she wanted to do it for me, but I took it out of her hand. I wasn't playing that and she needed to know it. If she wanted to be nice, that was fine, but I wasn't interested.

I was a little nervous about lighting it in front of this girl. I hope I didn't start coughing like a bitch. I turned my back and cupped my hand over the light like it was windy, but it wasn't really. The cigarette lit and I drug in, pulling smoke into my throat

I blew it out quick so I wouldn't cough and handed her the lighter back, but she wouldn't take it.

"I've got ten in my purse, you keep it."

"Thanks."

"No problem." She smiled. "Us addicts got to stick together."

I tried to smile, but I realized I didn't really care. Especially now.

She lit a cigarette and took it in deep. I tried to watch how. She leaned against the railing next to me, but not too close. I guess she wasn't going anywhere. I just hoped she didn't want to talk.

I drug in again and took it deep this time, concentrating on not coughing. I was surprised how small the urge was. Maybe being a wolf had something to do with it. And I – felt better. I wasn't sure why.

I took in again, deep, and held it for a second before I let it out slow. Yeah, I felt better. I tapped the cigarette on the railing to knock the ashes off. I was surprised that I knew what I was doing.

"So, what has you resorting to sneaking out of a hotel room in the middle of the night without even a shirt?" The girl asked me after a minute and for a second I just blinked. "Your lady not like you smoking?"

Had she seen Nessie? Or was it just a general question?

"I don't smoke," I told her. I don't know why I was telling her the truth. "Usually. I found these in the room and I'm – I'm kinda stressed."

"I'm sorry." She tapped her cigarette too, and I watched the ashes float down. "Name's Lisa."

"Jacob."

"How old are you, Jacob?"

Why did she care? I remembered what my ID said. "Twenty-seven."

"Your girl's young."

Oh. That's why.

I don't think I liked this girl anymore. Nosy.

"She's eighteen." I shot her a go-to-hell look. And took another drag. "And she's not – it's not. Like that."

She made an 'oh' sound I didn't like. Like she understood. Which she didn't.

"What's it like?"

"She's my best friend."

"That you're in love with."

"Who the hell are you?"

"I'm Lisa," she said, rolling her eyes a little. If she were a dude, I would've knocked her one. "I already told you. From Florida, if you care. I just . . . you're pretty hot, Jacob. I was just wondering about your story."

"Here's my story:" I moved my body so I was between the girl and the door to me and Nessie's room. I definitely didn't like this girl. "I've been that girl in there's best friend her entire life. I love her more than any other person in the world. I love her, I want her, I'll do anything for her. And I'm sorry if you think I'm – hot, or whatever – but you can just get over it because all I care about is her."

And I still didn't know why I was telling her the truth.

"Now I like you even more." She actually smiled. I wasn't sure why I was still standing here. "You know, I – I think she might – love you too."

"I know she does." Just not the right way. I know that. I was tired of people telling me that.

"No, I just mean – I could've sworn you were together. The way you act. You act like two people together."

"We are together. That's how we are."

"Mm." She stamped out her cigarette on the railing. "Well, sorry. Just telling you what I saw."

"Thanks for the lighter." That means bye.

"No problem." She started to walk back to her room. Thank God. I didn't like the way she looked me over one more time before she pulled out her card. "It was nice meeting you, Jacob. Oh – and smoking's bad for you."

She smiled again, stepped inside, and shut the door.

Thank God. The only good thing that came out of that fucking conversation was the lighter. I took the last drag of my cigarette, dropped it and stepped on it. It would probably be a lot more relaxing without some nosy girl jabbering in my ear.

And even though I was a little mad, I was feeling kinda tired too. I would definitely be doing this the next time I couldn't sleep. I pulled out the keycard and ran it through the door. Nessie was still sleeping peacefully, the way I left her.

I stuck the lighter back in the pack and stuck the pack in my bag. Then I walked over to Nessie. She was so beautiful.

I leaned down and brushed my hand over her hair, down her neck. She wriggled a little, moved into my touch and I knew I had to stop. I was treading dangerous waters.

I grabbed my pillow, laid down, and went to sleep.

The smoking . . . helped. Not much, but it was something to do and it released some stress. I smoked one or two a night. Two on the nights I phased. Nothing was changing.

I brought the cigarette to my lips and dragged in deep, trying not to think about Billy or Nessie and failing spectacularly.

"What are you doing?"

I spun around at Nessie's voice. How could I not have heard her? Was – was she okay?

"Nessie, are – are you all right? What - ?"

She just looked at me. Her eyes were angry. "_What_ are you doing?"

I felt myself try to hide my hand behind my back like I was doing something wrong.

"N-nothing, Ness. I couldn't sleep – are you okay – "

"What is in your hand?"

She started walking towards me and I motioned for her to stay back, dropping the butt and stepping on it. I wasn't jeopardizing Nessie's health.

"Don't come over here, Ness." I tried to fan some of the smoke off. "Stand back – I don't want you to breathe it in."

Nessie laughed, but it wasn't her nice laugh. It was an angry, hurt, kind of scary sound.

"Jacob Black, have you lost your fucking mind?"

I felt my eyes go wide. Nessie had _never _spoken to me like that.

"Nessie – what - ?"

"Is that why I've been smelling smoke everywhere lately?" Oh, shit. So she had smelled it. "And I thought I was going insane, dreaming of _burning_ all night and smelling smoke all day – I thought I was finally losing it. And you carry on about how much you love me but I wake up and you're _gone_, Jacob, _gone_ and I was so damn scared I couldn't breathe and come to find out you're out here smoking?" Scared? "Do you know what those things do to you? Have you ever seen a picture of a cancerous lung? Have you ever seen how the cancer cells mutate – what they do to your body? And you don't want me to breathe it in by accident, but it's all right for you to inhale it directly into your lungs?"

Nessie was panting. Her eyes were on fire. I'd never seen her this angry. Or this afraid.

"Nessie, I'm a werewolf," I told her, the first thing that came into my mind. "We probably can't even get cancer."

"Or it might affect you worse!" She screamed at me, her voice breaking. "You can't die, Jacob! What the hell am I supposed to do without you, huh?"

Oh, honey.

Her eyes welled up with tears and before I knew it I had pulled her in my arms. Nessie went for a second, but then she breathed in deep and started to fight me.

"Get away, Jacob, you stink." That hurt, but I knew it was only because she was angry – and hurt? "What're you hugging me for? Go back and smoke your – your cancer-in-a-stick so you can d-die and leave me all a-alone!"

That was the breaking point. The magic words. Nessie broke out into noisy tears against my chest and didn't struggle against me at all when I swept her up into my arms and carried her back into the hotel room. I kicked the door shut behind us – it locked automatically – and laid Nessie on the bed. I didn't even know what to think.

When I pulled back to lay down beside her, her arms shot out for me, grabbing at me, trying to pull me back.

"Sh, Ness," I told her. "It's okay – I'm just laying down next to you."

I laid kinda on my side and rested Nessie's head on my arm, wrapping in around her and pulling her close. I didn't know what to do, so I just let her cry for awhile since that seemed like what she needed and thought about what she said.

There were a lot of things that bothered me about her little speech outside, but one in particular. Finally I couldn't hold it in any more.

"Nessie." I heard the Alpha in my voice. "Look at me."

She raised her head and her eyes up but I don't think she could see me, they were so full of tears. I reached up and brushed them away with my thumb, clearing her beautiful eyes. I saw them focus as she became able to see.

"Did I just hear you doubt that I love you out there?" Nessie looked a little ashamed then. "How can you honestly even think that?"

But she'd been scared, too. Terrified. Maybe she hadn't been lying before.

"I've already told you, I'm going to make sure you're safe, don't worry about me – "

"It's not about the fucking Volturi, Jacob!" She shocked me into silence. "I'm not worried that they'll come get me – if you were d-dead, I'd go gladly." Don't say that. "I hope they'd experiment on me until I lost my mind because I wouldn't be able to – to – "

No.

I didn't want to hear her say shit like that. She didn't need to think about shit like that. No way in hell was any fucking Volturi ever laying a finger on her. I tried to pull her back against me but she wouldn't go, pulling herself out of my arms and sitting up.

She took a deep breath, swiped at her eyes again.

"I already told you: I love you too much, okay?" Okay. "And I can't – I can't even think about something happening to you, and then I had that dream and I saw you lying there all blank and lifeless and then I woke up and you were _gone _and then I found you and I was so relieved." Oh, Nessie. Oh, honey. Oh, baby. "So relieved. And then you were smoking, and that shit kills people, Jacob. And I know you're a werewolf and you're probably the strongest person I know, but I'm not willing to take any chances with you, all right?" All right. "I can't take any chances with you."

She laid back down over me, pressing her face into my neck. I wrapped my arms around her and tried to swallow the lump in my throat.

"I'm sorry, Jake. I'm sorry for screaming at you," she whispered, and I could feel her lips on my neck. "But you can't – you can't do that anymore, okay? You can't smoke anymore."

Done. Done, done, done, a thousand times done.

"Nessie, I'm so sorry." A thousand times sorry. I don't know why I keep making you cry. "I – I didn't know – the last thing I ever want to do it hurt you or scare you, but I apparently keep doing it again and again and again." And again and again and again. "I'll never smoke another cigarette, I swear to you – I just, Billy's sick and I'm stressed out and – "

"Then talk to me." And then Nessie kissed right under my jaw and I just about threw her under me. "You can talk to me about anything, Jacob, and I swear it helps. You don't have to deal with everything alone. And I want to help you, you – you don't know how _good_ it makes me feel when I . . ."

How good does it make you feel, Nessie? Tell me. Please.

I remembered something else Nessie said, the root of all of this.

"You had a bad dream." It wasn't a question. "This wasn't the first time." That wasn't either.

"No. Every night. It's worse when you're not with me."

Damn it.

"I'm always with you, Ness."

Always.

"You know what I mean." And then, "Did – did I do something wrong? I know I messed up before, but I really think I'm okay now, and it really, really helps me when you're close to me."

Oh, Nessie. It helps me when you're close to me too. I never want to be anything but close to you. The insecurity in her voice killed me.

"Honey, you didn't do anything wrong. Don't ever think that." It was all me, Nessie, baby. All me. "And how did you mess up before? You never did anything."

Nessie's cheeks flushed even more pink. "Don't make me say it."

And then I realized.

"No, Nessie, no." No. "Remember what I told you in the laundromat? It's not your fault. You can't think like that."

"I don't know what you're talking about," she told me, so sweet and honest. "I just love you and I miss you when you're gone and it hurts more than a little that you'd rather sleep on the hard floor than with me."

That was it. I would never make Nessie cry again. I would never let her want or need for anything. I would fight whatever urges I had and overcome them. I would not let Nessie be scared, angry, hurt, sad, or anything but happy ever again.

Whatever it took. But it wasn't going to be easy.

"You're going to be the death of me, Nessie, you know that?" She tensed in my arms and I realized what a dumbass I was to use those words after what she had just told me. "But I never want to be anywhere besides with you, and if the only way to prove that to you is to stay with you, then I will."

"You will?" It was worth it. It was all immediately worth it to see the happiness and surprise in her beautiful eyes. She yawned. "You promise?"

"Wolf's honor."

I rolled onto my side, so Nessie was curled into my chest and threw my arm over her. Then she wrapped an arm around my bare waist and threw one of her legs over mine. I took a second to get my body under control. She gave the best little sigh and rubbed her face into my chest.

She was so sleepy, her eyes fluttering closed already. She hadn't been sleeping well. I felt like such a douche for not noticing.

"Isn't this better, Jake?"

I wish I could tell her how better it was.

"Yeah, much better."

She pulled me a little closer.

Please let me be strong enough.

* * *

**Coming up:**

I - I cared about respecting Nessie. Of course I did. But - but if she wanted me sleeping with her, if I was supposed to stay pressed against her all night, every night and behave myself I was gonna have to . . . relieve some tension.

I cut the hot water on and shut the door almost all the way.

I stripped out of my sweatpants and stepped under the spray, rationalizing to myself the entire time. It was wrong, I knew that; I shouldn't do that with Nessie so close. But which was worse - this, or losing my shit on Nessie later and ruining our friendship for good this time? Or course this was the better option.

Right?

I thought about Nessie, pressed up tight against me and whispering my name.

Yeah, this was definitely the better option.


	16. Won't Say Her Name

**_A/N:_ **Hey everybody - this is a really important chapter, as you all know. A lot of stuff happens and I think it'll help everyone understand _Hands on Me_ more once they read it from Jake's POV. I know the shower sequence is something a lot of people have been looking forward to seeing in this POV and I hope it doesn't disappoint. It is intentionally not graphic. I'm not trying to be crude, just to get the point across. Also, I think some people might find Jacob's fantasies unrealistic, but I think he would have been ashamed to venture into anything dirtier than that with Nessie, even in his thoughts.

Anyway, here it is - I'm proud of it, and I hope you are too. As always, feedback is always very appreciated.

**_Disclaimer:_ **I'm a sixteen year old, homeschooled Muslim girl in south GA. Definitely not Stephanie Meyer. And you know what? I'm okay with that. ;)

* * *

Won't Say Her Name

* * *

_joke me something awful just like kisses on the necks of best friends  
we're the kids who feel like dead ends  
and i want to be known for my hits, not just my misses  
took a shot and didn't even come close_

_- fall out boy, i've got a dark alley and a bad idea that says you should shut your mouth (summer song)_

_-_

Yeah, I don't think I was strong enough.

I made it through most of the night all right; even managed to go to sleep. The best sleep since we'd been running actually. But now it was morning and I was awake and Nessie was wrapped completely around me and well. I don't think I was strong enough.

Nessie kept her leg thrown over mine the whole night, but now it was hooked around me, holding me tight against her. And her lips were pressed against my chest and she was making these noises –

"Jac-ob."

Oh, not this again.

Oh, please this again.

Nessie's arm around my back held me closer to her and her hands felt so good against me. I could feel her breasts pressed into my stomach and her breath on my skin.

"Ja-cob!"

Yeah, I couldn't do it. Not this, not right now.

I pried myself out of Nessie's grip, which was hard as hell, since most of me didn't want to and since she was holding me so tight and got up. I headed straight for the shower.

I – I cared about respecting Nessie. Of course I did. But – but if she wanted me sleeping with her, if I was supposed to stay pressed against her all night, every night and behave myself I was gonna have to . . . relieve some tension.

I cut the hot water on and shut the door almost all the way.

I stripped out of my sweatpants and stepped under the spray, rationalizing to myself the entire time. It was wrong, I knew that; I shouldn't do that with Nessie so close. But which was worse – this, or losing my shit on Nessie later and ruining our friendship for good this time? Of course this was the better option.

Right?

I thought about Nessie, pressed up tight against me and whispering my name.

Yeah, this was definitely the better option.

And if I was going to hell, I might was well buy the hand-basket so I reached out and grabbed the complimentary soap off the counter. Little Jake was seriously getting ready to start handing out party hats and noise-makers.

I lathered my hands up and then finally braced one against the shower wall and let the other one slide down to where it'd been begging to go for weeks.

My brain went, as it always did, immediately to Nessie.

I imagined her waking up against me, all sleepy-eyed, and reaching up to kiss my cheek. But I moved my head down to look at her at the last second and she got my lips. And instead of freaking out, like the real Nessie would surely do if that happened, she just gave a little sound of surprise and pulled away.

She bit her lip and looked up at me. Then she reached up again, but she was aiming for my lips this time and got them. She kissed me softly, tentatively for a second before she pulled away to check my face.

"Did – did that feel nice?"

I wouldn't be able to keep from pulling her on top of me, until she was straddling my legs like the other day. God, that would feel so good.

I forced my hand to keep a slow pace. I wanted this to last.

"Amazing, Nessie," I would say, but before I could even ask her what or where or why she would kiss me again.

Nessie would of course be inexperienced, unsure, pressing her lips lightly against mine and trusting me to lead her. I would have no problem with that. Her lips would be so soft and pliable under mine as I kissed her back, her body still relaxed against me from just having woke up.

My hand would slide up to touch her neck, the other holding her hip as I kissed her a little harder. One of her hands would go up into my hair and the other would touch my face. I think Nessie would submit under me, her lips following mine, letting me take dominance.

In real life, my hand sped up.

"Jake," she would say after a few minutes, pull away a little. Her lips would be darker than usual, a little swollen. "Jake, I feel – "

"What is it, honey?"

"I feel strange." Her eyes would, of course, be so beautiful. "Like how we talked about before."

Oh. Fuck.

I would kiss the corner of her lips softly and she would turn, catching my lips with hers. I would have to kiss her back for a second before I pulled away.

"It's okay, Nessie. Feel what you want. Anything you want is okay with me."

She would lean in, kiss my cheek, my jaw. Then my lips again.

Her hips would start to press into mine.

"I love you, Jake."

Shit.

Random images flooded my mind. Nessie's hair, Nessie's lips, Nessie's eyes, Nessie's legs, Nessie's . . . ass. Fuck, Nessie's ass.

I imagined Nessie, bent over a kitchen table, in a world where she didn't love Seth and psycho vamps weren't chasing us and everything wasn't so horribly wrong. My kitchen table. At home.

I wouldn't be able to help but to come up behind her, press myself against her. She would gasp.

"J-Jake?"

"I'm sorry," I would probably say, even though I wouldn't be. She would feel so amazing against me. "I just – "

And then Nessie would press back. "Don't stop."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes." A small white hand would reach back and touch my arm, her hips would arch against me. "It feels good."

I would spin her around and lift her onto the table and the next instant later my mouth would be on hers. I would kiss her forcefully but not rough; I would show her exactly how much I wanted her.

"Who do you belong to?" I would growl at her.

"You," she would say. Immediately. Like she knew it all along.

My hands would pull her roughly against me, slide up her body to touch her in all the places I hadn't before.

"Who?"

"You, Jacob."

Oh, fuck. I moaned.

Then I would smell that scent, the amazing, spectacular one that meant Nessie was . . . aroused. I would pull away from her lips, kiss her neck for a second, inhale deep.

"Can anyone else make you feel like this?"

Nessie would kind of whimper as our hips slid together. "No."

"Who's the only one that can?"

"You, Jake."

And then I smelled it.

Strong, stronger than a memory, almost like real life. Nessie's . . . arousal. I don't know if it was the place my brain was in that imagined it or what but I smelled it realer than ever and it was amazing.

It pushed me over.

I bit my lip hard as I rode it out, the pleasure crashing over me harder than it ever had.

I would not say her name. I had already disrespected her this much – I would not say her name.

I tasted blood.

I came back to some level of awareness after a few minutes, the fantasy Nessie fading away as the amazing feeling did. I felt a thousand times more relaxed though, a hundred times more ready to deal with Nessie and her wants and needs. And more than a little guilty.

I tried not to think about it as I rinsed myself off, running some water through my hair just to rinse it out. After a minute to get my muscles back to working normal, I reached down and cut off the water.

Calm down, Jake. She's asleep – it's not like she was watching you. She doesn't know anything; quit freaking out.

I realized like a dumbass I had forgotten my clothes so I wrapped one of the tiny-ass hotel towels around me, took a second to get my shit together, and then went back out into the room. I mean, Nessie was still asleep so I don't know why I was freaking out, but. I'd never seen her so soon after . . . that. I felt like I'd done something wrong – disrespected her. Thinking about kissing her and touching her and doing _that _while she was sleeping just feet away. When she obviously didn't want me.

I tried not to look at Nessie while I walked over to my bag and started digging through it for some jeans, but after about oh, three seconds I gave that up. I had to see her.

I looked to see her wide brown eyes looking back at me.

"Oh, Nessie," I said, trying to sound normal. Did I sound normal? Would she know? "You're up."

I felt my face get hot. Please don't let her ask why.

"Been awake long?"

Please say no.

She just kind of shook her head, her face rubbing back and forth against the pillow since she was laying down. She was so beautiful.

"Okay, well, I was thinking we might as well stay here until the little pixie calls, so I'm gonna get dressed and then when you're up and ready we can go get something to eat, sound good?"

Because it's really not good for you if we stay shut up in this hotel all day when I have nothing to look at, smell, or touch besides you.

Nessie just nodded, her face rubbing the pillow again. I wish I was the fucking pillow.

I remembered last night, when I was the pillow. Then I remembered what happened before that.

I'm not sure why I took a step closer, except that I always, always needed to be closer than I was to her. "Are you – are you feeling any better?"

She nodded again.

"Um . . . no more bad dreams?"

Her cheeks went pink but she shook her head.

I couldn't help but smile at her a little teasingly. "Have you become a mute?"

She gave me this great smile so I decided it didn't really matter that she wasn't really talking for right now. I kind of waved my clothes at her like an idiot – realizing only then that I was in a towel – and went back to the bathroom to change.

The second I stepped out of the bathroom, pulling my t-shirt over my head, Nessie zoomed past me and clicked the door shut behind her. If she hadn't been so – well, not normal, but . . . not-upset earlier, I would have thought she was still angry.

I sat down on one of the chairs and pulled on my shoes while I ignored the sound of Nessie's shower running. She came out before too long, right when I was in the middle of imagining what her silhouette would look like through that fake-glass shower door, with the steam fogging it all up. She was so white, I'd probably only be able to see the copper of her hair.

Anyway, I went pink again. Like a freaking girl.

Nessie walked over to me and settled herself down on the floor by my feet and shoved her pajamas into her bag.

"You ready?"

"I gotta put my hair up, then we can go."

Yeah, me too. I snapped a hair-thing from off my wrist (it was still wet from the shower) and raked my hair back a few times to smooth it out before I tied it back.

I pulled my hair back because I was dude and dudes walking around with their hair in their faces looked like douches, but I really don't see why Nessie did. Her hair was so gorgeous, long and thick and curly. And she always had it up. I asked her why.

She looked up from where she was attacking a section with the scary-ass brush. "Because it gets in the way. The curls stay mostly under control if I wash it ever day, but it's so long that it gets irritating if it's down."

"Oh." I didn't want Nessie to be irritated.

"Why?"

Shit. "No reason."

Nessie seemed to believe me, since she kept talking. "Well, I've thought about cutting it a couple of times, but Dad would never let me. Hey – why don't I do it now while Dad and Alice aren't here to kill me?"

Damn right he wouldn't let you. Cut it now? Now? You want to cut it? Your hair? Why?

My words were just as poetic as my thoughts.

"Why – why would you want to cut it? You shouldn't cut it, you should leave it. It's nice."

"Really?" She sounded happy.

I looked at my feet. "Yeah."

"So, do you think I should leave it down?"

What the fuck was up with this conversation?

"You can wear it however you want."

"I know that." She rolled her eyes, and brushing the last hank of curls. "But which do _you_ think is nicer?"

I wasn't going to lie. I was just surprised that she cared. "Down."

Then Nessie snapped a hair-thing onto her wrist and ran the brush through her hair one more time, running it all back. The curls poured down her back and waist, reached to the very top of her hips. Her perfect, rounded hips.

She grabbed the black purse from the table and looked at me. "All right, let's go, I'm ready."

I couldn't help but grin like a fool. She cared what I thought; she listened to me. And she was leaving it down. It was so nice. I reached out and pulled on one of the curls by her waist, gave me and excuse to brush her side as I pulled away.

"You look nice."

"I always look nice."

I couldn't argue with that. But I could smile again when Nessie crossed her arms and stuck her nose in the air, pretending to be snotty. Nessie couldn't be snotty if she tried.

"You're right." That was the simplest, most truthful answer. I got up and wrapped my arm around her shoulders like always. "Let's go."

"Wait," Nessie said a second later. "Um, Jake . . . ow. Just – just lift your arm for a second."

I did, letting her lift all her think hair up off her neck, at which point I got it and put my arm back. I thought resting my arm against the soft skin of her neck was heaven until she dropped her hair back over my arm, soft and silky and completely perfect.

Nessie shot me a smile. "_Now_ we can go."

And go we did. The first place we go'd was IHOP, since I was fucking starving and they always gave you stacks of pancakes with everything. I told the waitress it was Nessie's birthday and watched her sink into her seat in horror as all of the waiting staff crowded around our table to sing to her.

She tried to act like she was mad, but she even let me have her cake which I knew she wouldn't have done if she really was. The little pixie called right in the middle of that piece of cake and gave us three more days. I tried not to think about why the number of days was going down, but I couldn't help it.

I asked Nessie what she wanted to do after we were finished and she had no suggestion, so I told her we needed to find a place I could get some music because everything on the radio sucked. Seriously.

We found a mall that had one CD store that was seriously lacking in any music worth listening to. I searched through the rock section for forever since it was the one genre Nessie and I could sometimes-kinda-almost agree on, but there was literally nothing of interest.

Nessie was whining about there being no good classical music either. Like I cared. I mean, except that she did, so I cared, I guess – but me on my own? Couldn't care less.

Anyway, one thing they did have an abundance of was rap music. And Nessie, see, she really, really hated it. And me? Well, I could take it or leave it, but I always played it when she drove with me or came over because it was fun to see her complain without really being angry.

I had to dig to find some of the CDs I'd had back when I was teenager. I wanted something I knew the words to. I got a Nelly CD and a couple others that were sure to annoy Nessie but had beats addictive enough to tempt her.

We kind of wandered around after that. I bought this big-ass green slushie that gave me the worst brain freeze ever. I made a bigger deal out of it that it was though, since it made Nessie laugh. And because she drank from the slushie while I waited for my head to thaw out and well, we all know how I like that.

It turned her tongue green.

We walked past a Victoria's Secret, which got my brain going. I kinda wanted to be close to Nessie again and I think that with my recent . . . release it would be a lot easier. I'd never pent it up for a couple of weeks like that before. No wonder I was about to explode.

Anyway, angel-Jake and devil-Jake popped up on my shoulders like they do in cartoons and seriously started going at it. Angel-Jake was, for some reason, in a toga and devil-Jake was looking bad ass in some bike riding gear.

Guess who won?

"Ness, I'm feeling kinda beat." Nessie looked away from the new game system we'd both been kinda drooling over and up at me. "You mind if we head back to the hotel and take a nap or something? We can go out later tonight if you want – see a movie or whatever."

Her eyes lit up.

"I've never been to a movie theater before!"

"Are you serious?" I seriously kept forgetting how close we'd kept her.

"Yeah – I've never been. That would be so cool."

I made the decision by the look on her face.

"Well, then that's what we'll do. I saw a theater right down the road – we'll stop and check the times. Then we can go catch a quick nap and go back out tonight."

Nessie smiled and nodded really quick, reaching for my hand but I wrapped my arm back around her shoulders. She was so much closer like this.

"Okay, let's go."

Turns out, there wasn't too much playing. A couple of comedies that didn't look funny, some romances that neither of us would enjoy and would just make me uncomfortable, and . . . a werewolf movie.

I pointed it out to Nessie. "Wanna watch it and see if they got anything right?"

"They never do," Nessie said, her eyes kinda floating off like she was thinking about something. They'd been doing that a lot today.

"Well, most of the stuff looks like it starts around seven, so we'll just come back around then and see from there."

Nessie just nodded, so I pulled off and headed back towards our hotel, my brain already imagining pulling Nessie close against me and nodding off to sleep.

"Jacob?" Nessie asked after a second, pulling me out of my head. "What's it like to be a werewolf?"

I thought she was playing for a second, was already coming up with some smart-ass answer when I looked at her and saw she wasn't. Okay, I guess that meant I had to think.

What was it like to be a werewolf?

"Well, it's not so bad." Good start, Jake. "It's pretty great, actually. I mean, there's a lot of responsibilities, but . . . I mean, you've got speed and strength and you heal super fast. And you don't age."

And you imprint on perfect, gorgeous, amazing girls like Nessie and get to love them so hard it makes your heart hurt.

"I know all that stuff, Jake." She shifted in her seat, turned her body to face me. "I know what you_ do_, but I want to know what it's like. Like, did you always know you were going to be a werewolf?"

"No." No, I definitely didn't always know that. "None of us knew until it happened."

"Until what happened?"

I tried not to remember it. "Until the first time we phased."

Nessie's voice was small when she asked, "Was it scary?"

I remembered the feeling of bursting out of yourself, feeling like you were losing yourself. Everything warping around you and coming into clarity at the same time. And the voices in my head.

"Yeah – yeah, it was pretty scary."

"Did – did it hurt?"

I flinched.

I didn't mean to, but I suddenly remembered the feeling that first time. Your muscles tearing, your bones stretching, your body changing. Your skull changing – the pain was the worst in your back and face, where your spine stretched. The fur shooting out of your body stung too, each individual hair like a needle pricking you.

But Nessie didn't need to know all of that.

She got it anyway though, because the next thing out of her mouth was, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Jake," and she reached a hand out for me. I gave her mine and let our joined hands fall onto the armrest. She was so sweet. I couldn't let her worry over me.

"Hey, hey – it's fine," I told her, trying to look happy. I wasn't sure if it worked. "I mean, it's something all of us go through, and look at us now. All of us are happy."

"I know. But I'm sorry that you had to hurt."

My smile felt a little more real this time. I loved Nessie so much.

"Is there anything you don't like?" She asked me then.

Just that you don't love me. Just that I can't make you love me.

"No," I said instead. "I mean, I could do without having everybody in my head all the time, but I know it's necessary. Remember what I told you, Ness, I love my life."

Only because you're in it.

"Have you ever . . . ever not loved your life?"

What the fuck was with the twenty questions? But I couldn't get upset about it, or even annoyed. The fact that Nessie was so interested in me, and my past, it just made me happy. That she cared.

But I had to think about how to answer that question.

We were back at the hotel, so that gave me an opportunity to eat some time. I got out of the car, helped Nessie out, got our stuff. I thought and thought about Bella and Nessie and the hell my life was before her and what I was going to say while I locked the door, pulled off my shoes. Sat on the bed. Grabbed the remote.

Nessie crawled up to sit beside me. I don't know why I wasn't looking at her.

"Jacob?"

"Yeah," I forced out. "I've . . . not liked my life before."

"When?"

Knew that was coming.

"A long time ago." I needed to touch her, so I took her hand. She let me, just watching me patiently while I ran my thumb over the back of her white hand. "When – back before you were born."

"Oh." And then, "But you're happy now."

"Oh, yeah." You're with me, aren't you? "I'm very happy now."

"Some of the other wolves aren't, though."

"No."

And then, "Jacob, why don't you like Seth anymore?"

I took my hand back.

Oh, no. Oh, shit. Please not this. Please anything but this. Please don't let this all have been some weird wind up to get information about Seth and then ask me for my fucking blessing or help or what the hell ever. Oh fuck no. Please, please, please, please, please.

Why don't I like Seth anymore?

Let's see: because you want him and not me. Because he doesn't want you and that will hurt you. Because he apparently has something I don't. Because, because, because, because, because.

I looked down at my legs and settling for the safest answer. "I don't like anybody who hurts you, Ness."

"Seth – Seth never hurt me."

Not yet. Because you don't know.

Well, that's about to change.

"You know he's got a girlfriend?"

I know that was wrong. I know I was sick and disgusting to do that, to tell Nessie that when I knew it would hurt her and I should be trying to keep her from that every last second that I could.

I was surprised when she just said, "I – I know. I saw her at the wedding."

Guess she still thought she had a chance. So I said, "They're pretty serious."

Nessie's eyes changed, but I wasn't sure how. They narrowed a little, almost like she was . . . angry, or annoyed.

Then she bit her lip, cocked her head to the side, and rocked my world.

"I know. Imprinting is pretty serious, don't you think?"

Imprint. Imprint. Imprinting.

Oh, fuck no those words did not just come out of Nessie's mouth.

What did that mean? How did she know? _What did that mean?_

"Where did you hear that word?"

"I know what it means, Jacob, it's not just a word." Why was she so angry with me? Was she . . . angry at me for imprinting on her? Why was it only coming out now? Had she read my mind again without me knowing? "Seth explained it to me at the wedding."

That little fucker. It wasn't enough to steal my girl from me, he had to just keep fucking me over again and again.

But I had to be sure.

"Did he explain everything to you?"

"Let's see: love-at-first-sight soul mate connection, check. Be whatever she wants you to be, check. Is there really anything else?"

"N-no." That was about it. And – but it just didn't make sense. "And – and you're not upset?"

"Yes, I'm upset!" Oh, there it was. But then Nessie's face softened, just a little. "I'm upset that you never told me about this. It's obviously something very important to wolves, and you'd think as your _best friend_, you might have mentioned it. Soul mates, Jacob? That's kind of important."

What?

"But – but you're not upset that Seth imprinted?"

"_Why_ would I be upset about that, Jacob?"

Okay, so I was going to ask. And I was either about to ruin everything or – or I couldn't even think about the other possibility. I wouldn't get my hopes up a second time. I gathered my nerve.

"So – so you're not, you don't . . . love Seth?"

Nessie just stared at me for a second.

"Of course I love Seth, Jacob." There it was, I was falling – "But – but I love Embry too, and Quil and Sam and Collin and Brady."

I – I couldn't believe this. I couldn't hear this.

If – if I was hearing things – if I turned over and woke up, I was seriously going to shoot myself in the head.

What was she telling me? That I was wrong? That she didn't love Seth? That she didn't –

I didn't realize I had slid down onto my back until I turned to look at Nessie and saw the angle had changed. I had to be sure.

"You love him like you love Quil? Love you love Sam?"

"Yes." Oh, God. Oh, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you, God so, so much. "I love because he's family and I've known him my whole life and he's a good person, but . . . but I don't love him like _that_, Jacob."

Oh, oh, oh. Fuck. Damn. Shit. Hell. Every cuss word I had ever heard and more. Those were the best words I had ever heard. It was like water to a man stranded in the desert. It was vodka to an alcoholic. It was like blood to a fucking vampire. I felt myself healing, the great big hole in my stomach stitching itself up.

I laughed.

Nessie didn't love Seth. Nessie didn't love Seth. I don't know where I was wrong, where or when or how or whatever, but I was. I'd never been so happy to have been so horribly wrong. Nessie didn't love Seth. Nessie didn't love Seth.

I still had a shot.

"Why would you even think that?"

Why would I think that? God, Nessie, I love you so much but please just let me have a minute to let this joy wash over me. Nessie doesn't love Seth. Oh God, I would never get tired of hearing, saying or thinking those words.

"Jacob Black," Nessie's voice said, full of authority. More than I'd ever heard it. "Tell me right now how you got it into your thick head that I was in love with Seth Clearwater and then you can explain to me why you never told me about imprinting."

The authority in her voice, combined with the fact that it was my Nessie asking me for something, made me want to obey. And her question – it made me remember all of it.

"You – you kept asking about him." It hurt so bad." And you danced with him at the wedding – "

"I asked about him because I was worried and I danced with him because he was a groomsmen!"

But I couldn't stop.

" – and that day at the house, Seth picked you up and spun you and you were laughing – and – and that day in my room, I asked you if it was a boy and you said 'just one'."

Christ. I had forgot that. Everything crashed down on me again, just as bad as before and maybe worse.

I had been wrong, but not wrong enough. Not wrong enough to fix everything. Nessie didn't love Seth. But she did love someone. Or want them, at least. Want them in a way she didn't want me.

And she was going to tell me who it was. Right now.

"Who is it, then?"

"What?"

Don't fuck with me, Nessie. Don't play with me. Not now. You're going to answer this question.

"'Just one', you said. 'Just one'. And it's not Seth, so who is it?"

"Were you – were you even there that day, Jacob?"

I was seriously more pissed at Nessie than I had ever been. I had actually never been angry with her before. It wasn't fair – she shouldn't play with me. She shouldn't abuse my love like this. If she didn't want me, that was fine, I made it clear I would still stay around if she wanted me as a friend but when I asked her – when I asked her for one thing, the one and only thing I _ever_ asked her for, she was going to play with me.

People who loved each other didn't do that.

"Of course I was. Just answer the question."

"Why should I?" Because I told you to. "You won't answer mine. I asked you, 'Were you even there that day, Jacob?', because if you were or if you had been paying any attention at all, we wouldn't be having this conversation!"

If I had been paying any attention at all? If I had been paying any attention at all?

Here's paying attention for you: you were wearing some green dress with no sleeves and no shoes. Your hair was up and the window was open. The TV wasn't on. One curl had fallen out of the ponytail and onto your neck.

Call of Duty 4 was on the bed by your knee, the only CD we couldn't find a case for. You smelled like that pomegranate shit you wash your body with and you looked at me and said 'just one'.

How that for paying fucking attention?

"What are you talking about?" I said instead.

"Tell me, then, Jacob. Tell me what happened that day."

My body felt like it was on fire. I wanted to kiss Nessie now more than ever, of course I did, but not like before. I didn't want to touch her gently, take my time with her, make her feel good. I wanted to force her to feel good.

I wanted to throw her under me and hold her down and kiss her and touch her rough as hell until she screamed my name. I wanted to force her to want me just a tiny fraction of how much I wanted her. I wanted to show her that I was a thousand times better than who-the-fuck-ever it was she was so obsessed with.

"I explained to you what was wrong, and you said just-fucking-one and then you read my mind – "

"I_ what_?"

"You heard me!" There was no going back now. "That's why you ran, wasn't it? Because you read my mind and saw – "

"I'm not Edward, Jacob!" She held her hands out at me. "I'm not my dad, I can't read people's minds. You know what I can do!"

What did that mean? Was I utterly and completely wrong about everything that day?

"You – you didn't read my mind?" Nessie shook her hear fiercely. But – "Why did you run, then?"

Nessie's face went soft. Her eyes went soft, her body went soft. And when she spoke, her voice was soft.

"What did you see, Jacob?"

I remembered what I'd seen all over again, in stunning detail.

I wasn't going to lie. I wasn't going to evade. I was going to answer her.

"You." I always see you. Every time I close my eyes I see you. "And me."

"On your bed?"

Fuck. I nodded.

"I – I didn't read your mind, Jacob."

I didn't understand. I didn't want to understand. I only wanted to know one thing and it was the one thing Nessie wouldn't talk about.

"Who is it?"

Nessie's eyes went hard again. "Why didn't you tell me about imprinting?"

"Tell me who it is, Renesmee," I said in a voice that literally made grown men bend their knees to my will and she didn't obey. She shivered for a second, and then held her body tight, and didn't _obey_.

"Tell me why you didn't tell me about imprinting!" She screamed, her voice cracking. "You didn't think it was important, Jacob? You didn't think I should be prepared for when you found your soul mate and had to run off and leave me?"

What?

"Huh, Jacob? Answer me!"

So I did.

"I already imprinted."

Nessie's heart skipped a beat. My brain was still trying to process the gravity of what I'd just done. I looked up and the look on her face killed me. Whatever was fixing to happen, I had to have her in my arms.

But Nessie fought against me. Not like last night; she _fought_ me. She kicked and pushed and squirmed and I was so shocked and so worried that I let instinct take over and a few seconds later I had her pinned under me against the bed, each of her wrists caught easily in my hands.

Her eyes flooded with tears and she squeezed them shut tight.

What was this? All of this?

"Nessie."

I just had to say her name. When I did, every single bit of the fight went out of her. She went limp under me, submitted completely.

"Nessie, look at me." I wasn't commanding her, not really. I was begging her. I needed to see her eyes. "Nessie, goddamn it, _please_ look at me."

A second later her eyes fluttered open, but they were blurred from the tears. I knew Nessie wouldn't fight me anymore, so I reached up and wiped them away but new ones rushed straight up to take their place.

Nessie fluttered her eyes to clear the tears out – they ran down the sides of her face and into her hair and I wanted so bad to just kiss them away. But then I could see her eyes. They made me want to cry too.

I let my hand slide down under Nessie's head so I could bury my fingers in her curls and I let her other wrist go so I could touch her face. Her beautiful face.

But her eyes were still so broken.

"W-who is she?"

What? Did – the realization crashed on me. She must not know it was her. How could she not, though?

"Don't you know?"

Her voice sounded so weak. "No, Jacob, I don't know."

Oh, baby. Oh, honey. Oh, my Ness.

I don't know what I was doing exactly, but I had to be closer so I leaned in until our lips were dangerously close. I could taste her breath, sweet and a little fast. I slid my cheek across hers – her skin was so smooth, I had to feel it on my lips.

So when I reached her temple, I turned my head until my lips were pressed against her skin and dragged them back. I had never had Nessie this close, not like this, pressed under me like she was mine and everything was so close to being perfect.

Except for the one major flaw.

When I was almost to the corner of her mouth, I stopped. I had to. Nessie's fingers came up and gripped my arms hard, not pushing me away or pulling me closer, just holding on.

"How can you not know?"

I couldn't say the words, not yet. Because when I said them I didn't know what would happen, but I knew what was happening right now and what was happening was Nessie's body was under me and she wasn't pushing me away and my mouth was on her and I never wanted to be anywhere else.

I started moving back the other way, the way I came, running my lips across Nessie's cheek and then down her neck. I think Nessie was trying to shift against me, but I had her pinned tight. Her heart was racing. Both ours were.

Forehead, cheek, hand – these were all the places I had kissed Nessie before. I had even kissed her mouth before, when she was really little and I was just her favorite uncle. But I had never kissed her here, like this, on her soft white neck.

So I did.

And God, was it amazing.

I ran my lips up a little and over her ear. She smelled so sweet.

"There's never been anyone else."

You have to know that. You have to see that.

I had to see her now. She had to know. There could seriously be no doubt in her mind.

I pulled back to see Nessie studying me hard like she was trying to figure something out. I could feel every inch of her pressed firmly again me, her breasts crushed against my chest. I could feel her heart beating. Not hear it, feel it.

I heard the phone ring, vaguely, but for a second I was just focused on Nessie. And then it slammed into place. The phone – it wasn't time for Alice to call –

I leaped off of Nessie and across the room, my brain shifting forward into instinct. If we had to get out – how much time did we have - ?

I snatched the phone to my ear.

"Oh, Jacob." Alice's voice was soft, a little sad, not at all like she was calling to tell me bloodsuckers were closing in. "I'm so sorry."

"Sorr – "

And then it clicked again. But it didn't slam. It just kind of flowed, sluggish and thick. My heart slowed too, almost to a stop. Everything else seriously fell out of my mind.

Billy.

* * *

**Coming up:**

I felt empty. I let my head fall into my hands since I didn't know what else to do with them.

Billy was dead. My dad was dead. Dead. As in gone. Completely, not-coming-back, soon-to-be-under-dirt dead. And I was the one who made it all happen, the key player who without it all could not have been possible. Ladies and gentleman, give a round of applause for Jacob Black, father-killing-extraordinaire.

Should I feel fucking special?


	17. Billy

_**A/N:** _This is probably the most important chapter for Jacob. He goes through a lot and there's a lot of self-deprecating. I think Jacob would have a very "Me-Man" attitude and would have huge issues with being vulnerable and leaning on Nessie when he feels like it's his job to protect her. All in all, this is very emphatically Jacob's Chapter. Yes, with capitals. ;)

Tell me how you think it went.

_**Disclaimer:** _Own nothing except now the knowledge to half-operate a car without running over small children. I'm proud of myself.

_**Dedication:** _This chapter is going out to **ceci9293 **because this girl is seriously reviewing _HoM_ and _Undeniable_ chapter-by-chapter. In detail. So, yeah.

* * *

Billy

* * *

_when you said that you were falling apart  
i thought you meant that you were falling apart_

_- the academy is, down and out_

-

"When?"

"In fifteen seconds." Wow. "Oh, Jacob, I'm so sorry."

I realized something else. Something suddenly, wholly, completely important.

"How – how can you see? Is he alone?"

"Charlie and Sue are with him."

Okay. Okay. I think I said that before I hung up the phone.

Four.

I went and sat on the bed.

Six.

I felt Nessie moving around me and a second later she was beside me.

Eight.

I breathed in deep, tried to steel myself for what was coming.

Eleven.

Twelve.

Thirteen.

Fourteen.

Fuck –

Fifteen.

I breathed in again and it was exactly like all the breaths before it.

So that was it. Nothing fell from the sky, nothing crashed down on me, no lightening bolt came hurling down on me to punish me for abandoning my father.

It would have been better if it had though. Because as it was, it was so much worse.

I felt empty. I let my head fall into my hands since I didn't know what else to do with them.

Billy was dead. My dad was dead. Dead. As in gone. Completely, not-coming-back, soon-to-be-under-dirt dead. And I was the one who made it all happen, the key player who without it all could not have been possible. Ladies and gentlemen, give a round of applause for Jacob Black, father-killing-extraordinaire.

Should I feel fucking special?

"Jacob?"

Oh, that voice. That sound. It seriously reminded me that I didn't actually want to be dead too.

"Jacob. Jacob, please look at me."

Nessie. She was still here. She still needed me, needed me to protect her. That why I was here, wasn't I? That why I wasn't with my dad right now, because of her. I had to keep her safe, be her protector.

But if I looked at her right now, I wouldn't be able to keep myself in check, be the man I knew I was supposed to be. I would seriously fucking break down. I would take it in steps. I looked up, ahead of me.

Funny, the room still looked exactly the same. Weird.

Then Nessie was touching me, rubbing my back. It made me feel a little more human, but not much.

"I'm so sorry, Jacob, and I know that doesn't help, but I am. Tell me what you need and I'll do it, I swear."

"Just – just stay with me." There was never any doubt about the only thing I ever _needed_. I looked at her, trying to keep my face kinda in check. "Just please stay with me."

"Forever." Yes. "I'll stay with you forever if that's what you need. Here, lay down with me."

Nessie pulled on my arm, leading me back onto the bed. I wasn't really expecting anything since my brain was frozen, but I was surprised when Nessie laid down on her back and pulled me down to rest my head against her breast, cradling my head gently in her arms. The exact same way I held her, but softer somehow, more . . . feminine.

Motherly in a way that didn't feel motherly at all. And right now, it was exactly what I needed. I felt like a bitch to even think it, but I just wanted her to hold me.

I threw my arm over her waist and turned more onto my stomach, burying my face into her shirt. I couldn't help but wind a leg through hers, pull her even closer. She felt so good, the only thing keeping me from losing it.

I let out a shaky breath and I could feel the urge behind it. I fought it back.

Nessie didn't talk and she didn't need to. She ran her fingernails over my scalp a little and sometimes touched my face. The shaky breaths were coming closer and closer together now; it was getting harder to fight them back.

Every time I let one out, Nessie would kiss the top of my head.

Then two of them came together, and it was like I had unlocked something in myself. I couldn't fight against it, I didn't want to anymore. I held Nessie tighter against me and buried my face into the space between her body and her arm as I started to shake. I could feel it coming up, but it wasn't the wolf.

And then I fucking cried. Right on Nessie, just like a little girl and not a grown-ass man. But I couldn't stop, and at that moment I didn't really care.

I should have, I mean. Damn. But the tears just kept coming, more and more of them and all I could see in my head was Billy and all I could think about was how I would never see him again. Shit, that hurt more than you thought it would.

It wasn't the right kind of pain either. It wasn't the guilt over killing him, although there was that too, it was just that he was gone. Completely selfish, crying my damn eyes out, because my mommy and now my daddy were gone.

"Shh," Nessie said gently after awhile, but I knew she wasn't telling me to stop. I wasn't sure why though. I loved her so much. "It's all right, Jake, everything's going to all right. Just cry, it's okay, everything's going to be just fine."

I knew she was just talking, just trying to make me feel better, but I let it. I let her. Her voice felt so good against my ears. I wanted to ask her to keep talking, but I don't think I could have used my voice.

And then I realized, basically, that I had nowhere to go back to. My parents were dead. I had no blood family, no roots. Then I saw my mom's face in my mind, clearer than clear, the clearest I had seen it in my head since the days after she died.

I saw myself, like four or five, and my mom and dad watching me and my sisters run around like idiots. My mom was alive and my dad was standing beside her, both his legs still fine, and – well, damn. For a memory so happy, it sure hurt like hell.

I sobbed.

Yes, that's right, sobbed. Opened my mouth and sobbed. And once again, I couldn't stop.

I felt Nessie's lips against my ear.

"Oh, Jake. Oh, my Jacob, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, honey, I wish I could fix it for you, I wish I could. I'm so sorry, my love."

It should have helped, but it didn't. Her words just made it so much worse when I remembered how beautiful and sweet and kind and amazing she was and she wasn't mine.

Nessie pulled me tighter against her, wound her legs a little more tightly against mine, her fingers in my hair. Her lips kissing my head.

After awhile, I wasn't sure how long, the sobbing faded off but the tears stayed. But I wasn't breathing deep anymore – they just kinda ran down my face like it was a part of me, no effort on my part. I wondered if they would ever stop.

Nessie's whole shirt was soaked through. I was seriously the worst protector ever. And physically there was probably no other place I'd rather be, but I really needed to get out of my own head right now.

I was about to ask even more of Nessie.

"Show me something." I kept my face pressed against her. I didn't want to look at her while I was like this. I was too ashamed. "Show me something good."

Please. Please, Nessie, I need it so bad.

Nessie's fingers came down on my cheeks, brushing the tears there gently away. I felt so helpless and emasculated and ridiculous and ashamed. But then I didn't care because I could feel the connection between us, not open, but . . . leaking, almost from Nessie's fingers. Love.

"What do you want to see?"

"Show me you." You're all I ever want to see ever again. "Show me things that make you happy."

Because they make me happy too.

"Are you sure?"

"Please, Nessie." Please.

She pressed her hand flush against my cheek then and I felt the connection open. That in itself was amazing enough. I saw random images for awhile, inane things that Nessie liked and made her happy and made it easy to forget.

Strawberry ice cream, green slushies, elk's blood. Classical music, rock, and even some of my rap songs. I saw the forest from her bedroom window, a smell that was vaguely familiar in the air. I saw my house through a thick sheet of Forks rain. I saw us laying together in our clothes on the sand at First Beach and running through the woods.

Then she showed me colors, and weird stuff like hardwood floors and popcorn and caramel except I never really saw any of it. I saw how she felt about it. Contented, happy.

I felt the way she felt about warm reddish fur under her fingers.

I felt how nice she felt, how safe, when I held her hand. I saw myself, a little more handsome, I think, than I actually was, smiling. The room kinda lit up when I did, my heart lifting and I realized that must be how Nessie felt when . . . when she saw me.

I saw myself snatching . . . myself, Nessie, up into my arms and felt unbelievable happiness and joy. A feeling like coming home. I saw my face rolling around above me on the forest floor back home, us wrestling. I saw myself fighting with Blondie over something I don't even remember and Nessie kicking my ass at X-box. And the small Quiliute promise bracelet I'd given Nessie for her very first Christmas.

She showed me herself making tea and wondering how much sugar to put, wondering if . . . if I would like it. She showed me her happiness when me and Edward joked and got along and she showed me and showed me and showed me.

And then I felt a strong sense of security and happiness and safety and love blanket over me and felt myself, Nessie, curled around a large, hot body. Me. I felt her want to have me closer, snuggling up to me in her sleep. I felt the way she did, how the bad dreams couldn't get to her when I was close.

Then a final shock of love burst through the connection, her love for me, strong and powerful and the most amazing thing I had ever felt. Her hand fell to the side and it all went away.

I was shaking.

"Nessie." I love you. I love you. I love you. "Nessie, that was – I – thank you."

"You're welcome, Jake." She kissed my head again. "You're more than welcome. I'd do anything for you, you should know that, and this is nothing."

This was so not nothing.

"I miss Billy." I don't know why I said it. I don't know _how_ I said it. But I did. I said it again kept control of myself, even as my stomach was eating itself out. "I've been months without seeing him before, and I never really made much time to be around him when I was home, but I miss him so much right now that it hurts."

"I'm so sorry, Jake, I really am."

"But at least he's with my mom now, you know?" Please let him be. Please, please, let him be. "Or I guess he is. I hope. He loved her so much."

"Of course he is, Jacob." I could tell Nessie believed it. "Now Billy and your Mom can be together again. Like they were meant to be. Can you imagine how happy they are? Just imagine."

I didn't want to imagine them being happy without me. It hurt.

"I can't." And to know that I would never have that – well, it fucking burned. "I can't imagine how amazing it would feel to be with – with that person you were meant to be with. I can't even imagine it."

"Why not?"

"I think I would explode from joy from just thinking about it." Or pain. "I love you, Nessie."

"I love you too, Jake."

"More than you'll ever know."

Okay, I had to get up now. I had to clean myself the hell up and apologize to Nessie. I had to start being the man. I'd had my little slip-up, but that was all the leeway I was getting. Nessie needed me in my Alpha-role, not sobbing on her shoulder.

I sat up with my back to her and wiped my face off, rubbing my face hard for a minute. I guess I was kinda hoping it would make it look more normal, but it probably did the opposite. I took a second to try and make my expression normal. I hope it worked.

Nessie's eyes were sad and happy at the same time when I finally looked back at her. It had been hours since I'd seen her, looked at her, and I just looked for a second.

I laid back down, beside her this time, and higher up. Level. Not cradled into her chest like something that needed to be protected and cuddled. I propped myself up on my elbow and looked down at her. Our faces were close.

"Thank you, Nessie." I will never have the words. "Thank you so much. And I'm so sorry for losing it like that, but thank you for helping me like you did. I've – I've never had anyone – "

"What?" Nessie said, her eyes widening like she was surprised. "Hold you while you cry?"

God, I sounded like such a bitch when you said it like that. Hold you while you cry. But that's what she had done.

I shook my head. "Not since, well . . . not since my Mom."

I don't think I've cried since then either.

"You've done it for me thousands of times, Jacob."

"It's different."

"Why?"

"Well, you're a girl. When you get upset, you cry. Guys don't." Men don't.

"There's nothing wrong with it, Jacob." Nessie reached up and rubbed my chest gently and my mind was so messed up that I almost did something very bad. "It's perfectly fine. Let me ask you this: when you hold me when I cry, when you rock me until I stop and feel better, how does it make you feel?"

"Amazing."

Nessie went pink. "Why?"

"Because I love you." Isn't it obvious? "And it makes me feel . . . good when I help you, when you need me for something. That I can make you feel better when you're sad makes me proud that you love me and trust me that much."

Wow, that was a mouthful. I guess I was still on my truth-roll.

Nessie smiled, a slow smile that was exactly what I needed right then. Nessie was always exactly what I needed.

"It's the same for me." I don't think it is. "Probably even more so because you never need me for anything."

Before I could think, I had Nessie's cheek pressed against mine. I could tell my skin was really hot by how cool hers felt.

"I always need you, Nessie." Don't you ever fucking doubt that. "Every second of every minute of every hour of every day."

I pressed my face into her neck, breathing her in deep. She was so good. Everything about her was so good.

"W-why?"

"Because you're amazing." I slid my nose up in down her neck and Nessie's breathing was doing something weird. "Look at what you just did, Ness. You've never seen me like that before, I just completely lost it and you still knew what to do. You didn't freak out or anything – you're just, you're literally the best, most beautiful, smartest – you're perfect, and I just – _damn it_!"

I rolled off of Nessie and onto my back, throwing an arm over my eyes.

I had to do this now. I had to. I had let it get too far and everything get too entirely fucked up and now, no matter what the hell was fixing to happen, I had to do this. I had to tell her. She had to know. She needed to have all the pieces and then, then she could do whatever she wanted.

And I had imagined having this conversation a million different times in a thousand different ways but right now I seriously had no idea what to say.

"Jake?"

"God, Nessie," I said, since I had nothing else. "I wish you could read my mind."

Would've made this a hell of a lot easier.

"But I can't, I've already told you – "

"No, just so you'd know – I can't believe it's so hard to just _tell_ you – ugh!"

I felt Nessie's soft hand touch the arm covering my eyes.

"You can tell me, Jacob. Listen, anything you want to tell me, I – I'll always be your friend, Jake, even when it's hard." Thank God, but you don't know how hard it's about to get. "I'll – I'll be whatever you want, and I just want you to be happy. If she's what you need – "

"She?" I lifted my arm up to look at her. I was tired of this 'she' shit. Tired of hearing Nessie think there was ever anyone but her. "Ness, there is no she."

"But your – your imprint – "

I was gonna do this.

I sat up, Nessie flying back to keep me from hitting her but I caught her. I would always catch her. I pulled her into my lap and she went, pulled her until she was straddling me. Nessie wrapped her arms around my shoulders and I pulled her close for a second because it might be the last chance I got.

I took a breath.

"Nessie, I have something important to tell you." Okay, I was whispering, but whatever. It was out. Nessie's heart was hammering almost as fast as mine. "And I want you to know that I don't want you to ever feel obligated, or – or do anything you don't want to. Nothing has to change. I'll be happy as long as I'm near you, but if you – if you don't want _that_ either, then as soon as the trouble's clear," I'll shoot myself in the head. "I'll leave you – "

"Jacob," Nessie interrupted, her voice high. She held me a little tighter. "What're you talking about? I always want you, you have to know that, you can't – "

"Just listen, Ness, okay?"

I wanted to let those words make me feel good, but it would only kill me twice as worse if she took them back later.

Nessie nodded. I had her attention and now I had no idea what to do with it. I ran my hands up and down her sides while I thought. Her body felt so good in my hands. I couldn't resist giving her waist a squeeze.

Nessie surprised the hell out of me when she arched her back into my hands. The about-to-do-something-very-bad feeling was back. And my mind was definitely not in a healthy place.

"Um . . . maybe I shouldn't have . . ." Pulled you into my lap, ran my hands over your body, been a complete and utter pervert. "Could you get up, Ness?"

Nessie's face crumpled, but she obeyed me. Her eyes were so hurt. She thought she was being rejected.

Didn't she know better?

"I'm sorry, Nessie, don't be upset." I caught her hand and pulled her back close, keeping her hand in mine. "It's nothing to do with you. I just, I need to tell you something and it's better . . . for you, I think, if we're like this."

Much better for you.

"Okay, Jacob." And just like that, she had already forgiven me. Her eyes were already back to understanding and worried, waiting for what I was about to tell her. "Just – just tell me."

I'm trying.

"Like I said, this doesn't have to change anything. I always want what's best for you, and I just, I want – you have to know – I told you I imprinted, right?"

Like either of us had forgot. Nessie just nodded.

"Okay, um . . . I thought you might have put it together yourself after you talking to – to Seth, but you didn't." Obviously. "And then you asked who, and I – I always thought about how I would say this but it never really compared to – to – "

"Just spit it out, Jacob." Her voice was so weak. "Please. I'm dying over here."

Here it goes. I took one last look at Nessie before I knew she would definitely see me different forever and then I breathed in deep. Swallowed the lump of fear and love in my throat.

"It's you, Ness."

* * *

**Coming up:**

She didn't say anything else, and she was asleep before too long. But I couldn't. I hadn't slept in what felt like forever but I couldn't. I was kinda afraid. That I would wake up and Nessie would be gone and Billy would still be dead and it would just be one big, weird-ass, fucked up practical joke God was playing on me.

I watched Nessie, so beautiful and soft and amazing and mine. Mine. Oh, God. I was going to rip the head off any guy who so much as looked at her now. She was mine and she wanted me and now nobody else the fuck mattered.


	18. Like Nessie Loves Jacob

_**A/N:** _Okay, here's "The Chapter" in Jake's POV. His thoughts, his emotions, and damn was it a time to write. It wasn't hard - just emotionally draining. Thoughts are very welcome.

_**Disclaimer:** _The only think I own is sunburn on my cheeks, a tan-line on my face from where my hijab ended, and arm cramps from jetskiing and swimming all day yesterday. But good times, good times.

* * *

Like Nessie Loves Jacob

* * *

_this time i'll do thing proper  
how did it get to this?_

_- +44, everything's alright_

-

"What?"

I forced myself to keep my eyes on Nessie, on the pure shock plain on her beautiful face. I would be a man – I wouldn't look away.

"I – I imprinted on you, Nessie."

"What – Jacob, I don't – _when_?"

"The – the first time I saw you – I thought Seth explained it?" Like that mattered now. "I imprinted the first time I saw you, Ness – the day you were born."

Nessie didn't say anything for a second, so I figured I ought to. I had to at least _try_.

"You had to have known, Ness." I reached for her hand and she let me take it and I tried to take that as a good sign. At least she didn't hate me. Right? "There was only ever you, from the first time I laid eyes on you. There was never anyone else."

"Jacob, is this – please don't be joking – "

Joking? Is that what she thought this was? A joke?

"Renesmee Cullen, look at me." She did. She always did. "I would _never_ joke about this. I'm completely serious, and I understand if you don't – don't feel the same. I just had to tell you."

And now I had.

"That you imprinted on me?"

"Yes. I – I couldn't keep it from you anymore."

"You – you imprinted on me like Sam imprinted on Emily, and Jared with Kim and . . ."

Did – did she not understand?

"Yes." I nodded very clearly so there was no way she could doubt it. "Yes, Nessie, exactly the same."

Would you please just get it, Nessie, and end my misery?

"Do you love me, Jacob?"

She said the words loud, and I squeezed her hand hard.

"You know I do."

"How do you love me?" Fuck, here it comes. "Do you love me like – like Quil loves Claire?"

I looked over Nessie's gorgeous face and took a second to remember when we had been like Quil and Claire. I swallowed.

"I used to."

"And – and now?"

Okay. Okay, I would do this. Now.

"And now . . . I love you like – " Like the sky, the moon, the sun, water, food, air. I love you like I love you, Ness. "Like Sam loves Emily."

I let out a deep breath. There it was. I had done it.

Nessie's face was just blank. I left her for a second, but she didn't say anything.

"Nessie?" She still didn't answer me. Didn't even look at me, and my stomach ripped out. I forced myself back together. "Nessie, you don't – I understand if you don't feel the same – if you don't – want me, like that. I – "

"I love you, Jacob."

For once, those words didn't make me feel good.

It was out now, stated. Plain and simple. And she still didn't want me. She loved me, but not like that.

I think I wanted to die.

"I know, Nessie, I know." But I wouldn't, because Nessie still wanted me. In some way, and I would always give Nessie whatever she wanted. "I know you do. And – and nothing had to change – "

"No!"

Nessie's shout surprised me.

And then she was in my arms, wrapped around me like just a few seconds ago. I automatically reached up to hold her around the waist and just sat there, shocked, as Nessie leaned in and kissed my cheek. Then my other.

Nessie kissed the corners of my eyes and my forehead, down the sides of my face and all the way down to my neck.

I don't know why she was doing this. I should have stopped her, but if she wanted to kiss my face before she broke my heart a little more and sent me on my way then it was fine by me.

Nessie kissed my chin – so close to my lips – and then I think she was done because she pulled back and looked at me.

"I love you . . . like Emily loves Sam."

My chest exploded.

For a second, I couldn't breathe. I can't even explain the . . . the . . . joy.

I had to feel her. I had to make sure this was real, so I ran my hands up her arms and into her hair. Wrapped the other one around Nessie's neck, holding her down against me. There she was. It was real.

"Nessie . . . are you sure?"

Be sure.

"More than that." Our faces were so close. I could feel Nessie's breath on my mouth. "More than Emily loves Sam. I love you like Nessie loves Jacob."

I closed my eyes.

If I opened them, and this was all still here, then I was going to let myself have it.

I did, and it was.

Nessie was still there, beautiful as ever, closer than ever, looking at me with waiting eyes. I leaned in a little closer and breathed in through my mouth – I could almost taste her.

"I – I can't believe you – how long - ?"

"Months." Months. _I_ was the 'just one'. "I've known for months at least, but it's always been there, I think. I just never realized."

I almost kissed her. I seriously almost did, but I stopped myself.

"Months . . ." I could have had months of this.

"Why didn't you ever tell me?"

For a second, I couldn't remember.

"I wanted you to choose." That was why. "I wanted you to choose without anything forcing your hand. I didn't want you to feel obligated."

"I choose you." Wow – those words. They physically affected my body. "I choose you, Jacob."

I kind of collapsed forward onto her shoulder. She wanted me. Nessie wanted me, she chose me. I lifted my head back up after a minute, running my nose up Nessie's amazing neck to her cheek. Nessie's fingers went into my hair and her knees . . . tightened around my hips.

When we were finally face-to-face, so close our noses were touching, I took a good look at Nessie.

And I saw it. All of it. She loved me, but not like a brother. It had been there, in the way she kissed my cheek and the way she rubbed my chest. All of it had been there all along but my brain had gotten in the way of it.

Now Nessie was mine. And I would have her.

Without stopping to think about it, I rolled over onto my stomach, pinning Nessie under me. Because of how we were sitting before, now I was between Nessie's open legs and I could definitely tell the difference. Little Jake could too, but for once, he behaved.

Her lips were so close. But I had to check.

"I – I want to kiss you, Ness."

Nessie just looked at me for a second, bit her lip. Her beautiful, rounded, perfect pink lips.

"Then kiss me, Jacob."

It was all the invitation I needed.

I leaned in slow, took my time. I wanted this to last. I wanted Nessie to enjoy herself. I wanted her to feel good too. I didn't want her to regret wanting me.

When our lips finally touched, just brushing, it seriously took all I had not to grab her head and kiss her so hard neither of us could breathe. Her lips were so soft, smooth, a thousand times better than I had imagined.

And then those gorgeous lips fell open, just a little, and I had to be between them.

The next second, I was kissing her.

I made sure I was soft, catching her bottom lip between mine and kissing gently. My entire body was on fire. I just held there, with her lips around me and mine around her for a second to savor it. It was heaven.

I needed her so bad, but I pulled back again. Nessie was so beautiful, her eyes half-lidded, looking up at me. And those lips, those lips I had just kissed. Because I could. Because Nessie was mine. Because she wanted me and nobody else.

"Was that your first kiss?"

I knew it was, but I needed to hear her say it. Say that I had marked her. That she had let me do what she hadn't let anyone else and wouldn't let anyone else again.

"My very first." Oh, yes. Nessie bit her lip and then her eyes got concerned. "Was it . . . okay?"

Okay? How could I tell her – how could I tell her how amazing and wonderful and spectacular it was? How fireworks were going off in my brain and my body was fighting to keep from tearing her clothes off? I wish I had paid more attention to the way Edward talked now, the words he used, so I would be able to express to her exactly how amazing she had just made me feel.

"You're perfect," I said instead, and kissed the very edge of her mouth.

Then Nessie turned her head, catching my lip between hers, and kissed.

I couldn't help but groan a little into her mouth.

Nessie reached up with one hand to run it through my hair and the other she let lay against my chest. I tried to take back the dominance of the kiss, the control, and Nessie let me. Just like I always imagined she would do.

I kissed Nessie once and pulled back, kissed her and pull back. Again and again. I loved the feeling of joining my lips with hers. It was like coming home. I needed her so bad. Finally, though, I got tired of being separated and didn't pull back at all.

After awhile, I couldn't tell you how long, Nessie's lips started to move a little harder against mine and I knew we had to stop. For now.

When I pulled away from her, Nessie whined. Whined. It was the sexiest thing I'd ever heard. She didn't want me away from her.

I was getting ready to say goodbye to kissing Nessie for the night, so I needed to get some extra fill in. I kissed her jaw, right under her ear, the hollow at the front of her throat. I felt Nessie trying to pull me back up to her mouth but I forced myself to stay firm. It was almost the hardest thing I've ever done. Especially when she made that sound again.

"God, Nessie," I said into her neck. She shivered hard against me and my body liked that a lot. "You're so perfect it's unreal. I could do this all night, but we have to stop now."

"What?" I could see the panic in her eyes. She thought I meant for good. "What – why?"

"Because this is all new to you and we have to take it slow." That's why I can't rip your shirt off right now, run my hands and my tongue over every single inch of your body. "I don't want to rush you."

Now that Nessie wanted me, I would never rush her. I would die first.

"I want to rush." Fuck, Ness, me too. "I want – I want you, Jacob."

My poor, sweet, innocent Nessie had no idea what those words did to me. I would dream about them tonight – if I slept at all.

"You have me, Ness." Right-side-up, upside-down and sideways, you have me. "You have every single bit of me, forever, or for as long as you want." Please want forever. "But this is enough for tonight."

Nessie's eyes looked so sad, and I couldn't stand her looking sad. Especially because she didn't want to be away from me, from my lips. So I leaned in and gave her one last kiss, soft and enough to send my head spinning, before I pulled back again.

"Let's lay down, Nessie." I'll have all night to lay beside you, touch you, feel you, watch you sleep. "It's been a long day."

Nessie nodded and I rolled off of her then, which I really didn't want to. But I would be back soon enough. I pulled back the covers and Nessie crawled in. I followed her and pulled her into my chest, kissing her sweet hair.

"I don't think I could stay away from you tonight." I wouldn't be able to. "But I'm not sure we should sleep like this anymore from now on."

"Why?"

"It's just, things are different now." I don't want you to . . . to think because we're in the same bed you have to . . . "And I don't want to make you uncomfortable or feel like I'm pushing you towards something."

"I loved you last night and we slept together." If I had only known then. Nessie scooted up so our faces were closer. "The only difference now is that I'm so happy I could scream. Why is that bad?"

The girl made too much sense.

"Really? Are you really happy?"

She moved up some more and put her face in my neck, breathing in deep. Then she kissed me, right where my shoulder went into my neck. My body tensed up.

"I've never been happier."

I wasn't sure which I liked more, the words or the other kiss she placed in the exact same space as the first. Her lips were so warm, so soft, and I bit back a groan. A little escaped anyway. I pulled Nessie back down into my chest and she went, wiggling close against me.

We were just quiet for awhile.

I couldn't believe this. Nessie loved me – like I loved her. Everything hadn't been so fucked up after all. Except – Billy.

Shit – it still hurt, like hell, but it was muted. Nessie was like a thick blanket or some Morphine or something, covering everything else up. My love for her was beating in my head so hard it was hard to breathe.

I better not wake up and find out this shit was a dream.

"I'm so happy," I whispered to Nessie after awhile. Understatement of the decade, but she needed to know on some level. "I'm so happy that you're happy. I can't believe you turned such a horrible night into something so amazing."

Nessie started against me.

"Oh, Jacob – are, are you okay?" Oh, my Ness. Still worrying over me, after everything. "Should we – should I not have - ?"

"Shh, Ness." She didn't need to start blaming herself for things that were my fault. "It's okay, don't freak out. Billy – Billy knew, and he loved you. He would be happy. He would be happy that we're so happy."

"Okay."

I could tell Nessie didn't really believe me, but it was true. Billy loved Nessie more than anyone had expected him to. And Nessie loved him too.

She didn't say anything else, and she was asleep before too long. But I couldn't. I hadn't slept in what felt like forever but I couldn't. I was kinda afraid. That I would wake up and Nessie would be gone and Billy would still be dead and it would just be one big, weird-ass, fucked up practical joke God was playing on me.

I watched Nessie, so beautiful and soft and amazing and mine. Mine. Oh, God. I was going to rip the head off any guy who so much as looked at her now. She was mine and she wanted me and now nobody else the fuck mattered.

I was going to win her over. If there was even a tiny bit of doubt in her mind about me, I was going to kill it. I was going to be the best . . . boyfriend or whatever the fuck you want to call it so she would never even think about anyone else. I was never going to feel like that again if I could help it.

I was going to love her and be with her and one day, I was going to marry her. If she would let me.

I had held Nessie against me so many times, but now it was different. Now she was mine. Really mine. I couldn't get over that.

And watching Nessie sleep was the best ever. She wriggled a little, always closer to me, and made the best noises. Mumbled words sometimes that didn't make much sense. Sometimes she said my name. That was the best part.

I fell asleep a few times for awhile, but I'd always jump awake and check for Nessie. Run my hands down her sides, brush her hair back. Nessie started to get a little hot after awhile; between me and the blanket I knew she had to be burning up. I didn't want to let her go, but I couldn't let her suffer.

I pried myself gently out of her grip and she frowned a little, rolling in the opposite direction like she was looking for me. I smiled. I sat back against the headboard, brushing my hair back off my face and thought.

I thought about Billy and came to terms with some stuff. The pain receded into this dull ache in my stomach that I could tell would be there for awhile, but it wasn't fresh. It wasn't wet.

And then I thought about Nessie. Wow. I didn't deserve her but no way in hell was I ever so selfless as to even think about giving her up. She was mine until she came to her senses. I hope she never did.

I got up and used the bathroom after awhile, pulled my hair back since it was annoying me. I was still in my clothes from yesterday – so was Nessie – and I thought about changing and then decided not to. It was almost morning, and I'd have to go – I needed to phase.

I laid back down next to Nessie and just looked at her. Her shirt was dry now from where I'd cried all over her like a bitch – I was embarrassed about that now – but the blue of it was a shade darker in the place where my face had been. Damn.

She had done so good. I had never been taken care of like that. Not since I was really little, not since my mom. Billy was a great dad, but that's what he was, a dad. He was a guy. Sometimes I guess it just took a woman.

I guess Nessie really needed sleep. She was probably exhausted, poor baby. I would let her sleep. I wouldn't wake her up.

I looked at the clock beside the bed. 6:30.

Looked like I had a long way to go. I could hardly wait.

* * *

**Coming up:**

All that shit with Bella felt like lifetimes ago. It was like watching a home movie you didn't remember taking.

_But if I was there in the house - _

_You wouldn't have been in the house, Jake. You sleep over on the Cullen property pretty much every night and you know that. What are you saying? That you should have stayed and let those Volturi guys come for Nessie?_

I bit back a growl. I didn't want Nessie to get worried. _Fuck no._

_You just like beating yourself up - you do the exact same thing as Leah except inverted. _

_Don't compare me to Leah._


	19. Too Stressed to Deal With Drunk Bitches

**_A/N_**: Yes, this is long. But I think we really needed some fresh Jake-perspective with the phasing scene and I couldn't bear to cut anything. There's some Leah, that's maybe a little over the top but I still think it's pretty okay. And some Seth and a teensy bit of Quil. This is the first of the written-after-I-got-back-from-Libya chapters. It's only been written about a week and I'm not used to having that little amount of time to obsess over it, so any mistakes and inconsistencies are due to that. Sorry.

Also, I have a new J/N one-shot out called _Animals_, named and based off the Nickelback song of the same name. It's a romance/half-comedy thing, but it's kind of cute and I like it so y'all should check it out.

Oh, and something else I forgot to say in my _Hands on Me _**_A/N_** is that I've got a blog and a fictionpress and am on twitter now. You can find my links in my page, so there's that information if you need/want it. ;)

And so I leave you with what is becoming my perpetual message - poor Jake.

**_Disclaimer_**: I own neither Fall Out Boy songs nor Mountain Dew. Actually haven't drank soda since I was twelve, but that's another story.

**

* * *

**

Entirely Too Stressed Out to Deal With Drunk Bitches

* * *

_and there's nothing in your head or pocket  
throat or wallet that could change just how this goes_

_- fall out boy, it's hard to say 'i do' when i don't_

-

Nessie finally woke up around twelve. She stretched like a cat beside me and I looked over to see her face all relaxed but . . . aware. She was awake.

I rolled over and ran a finger across her cheek.

"You 'bout ready to get up, Ness?"

I knew she'd heard me, but for whatever reason she didn't answer. And the angle her head was turned at now, well, it made her neck look just about irresistible.

"Good morning, Nessie," I whispered, and then I kissed her neck. It was as sweet as it looked.

Nessie's eyes fluttered open.

"Jacob?"

Who else, honey?

"No," I told her, my amazing mood making me feel like joking. We hadn't done much of that the past few days. "The other guy in bed with you."

I wanted to growl just at the thought. I kissed her neck again.

"Jacob, was that – was last night – real?"

I reached out and took Nessie's chin in my hand gently, turning her face towards me. She was so close now. I slid my hand back to massage her neck.

"Yes. I can barely believe it myself, but yes."

Then Nessie smiled so bright the room shone. I smiled back immediately. She was so happy.

Nessie rolled over until we were pressed together. One of her hands went to my t-shirt and the other up to my hair.

"Good morning, Jacob."

And she bit that lip. Mmm.

"Did you sleep well?"

"Better than I ever have." Hell yes. "How long have you been up?"

"A few hours." I decided to tell the truth. Dishonesty is apparently what got me in that hell of a mess we just sorted out. Nessie's mouth gaped open a little. "I was watching you sleep."

I was glad I said it the second her cheeks flushed pink. Damn.

"How boring."

Nothing about you is boring, Nessie.

"Not really. It's more entertaining than anything on TV," I told her instead.

She rolled her eyes a little, but I could tell she wasn't really annoyed. She laid her head on my chest and I wanted to kiss her again but I knew I couldn't. I wouldn't rush Nessie into this; it was all still so new to her.

"Whatever, Jacob."

I killed a few seconds by inhaling her sweet scent before I had to ruin the fucking moment. I took a breath and told her that I'd been waiting for her to wake up.

"I need to go phase," I said, and her eyes told me she immediately understood. They got sad. "Of course, you're coming with me, but I wasn't sure if you wanted to shower and change first."

Maybe lay here and let me kiss you a little before I have to go off and face what the hell I've done.

Of course, I knew that wasn't an option. I was going to take this slow.

She brought her beautiful eyes up to meet mine and I almost forgot about the taking-it-slow thing. "What are you going to do?"

"Well, I'm going to wait until after, but that's because I'm going to be phasing and laying on the ground. I like to shower after I phase anyway, and it doesn't make sense to do it twice."

I was babbling. I was just trying to avoid the fucking point.

Nessie didn't say anything, just pushed herself up slowly. Then she kinda shook, like she was gonna lose her balance so my hands jumped to her back to steady her. Couldn't let my girl fall.

She stretched then, just about the sexiest thing I'd ever seen, arching her back and stretching out, tilting her head back. A few of her curls fell into my face, brushing past my lips. Damn.

"I'll wait too, then." I was a pretty sick bastard. I couldn't keep my eyes off her as she crawled over my legs to get off of the bed. "Just let me brush my hair so I don't look like a cavewoman."

I almost laughed at the idea of Nessie looking anything like a cavewoman. Impossible.

"Prettiest cavewoman I ever saw," I told her as she started attacking her hair with that scary-ass brush.

I got to see her cheeks go pink again as I threw the covers off of me and sat up.

"Thanks."

She dropped some hair in front of her face so I wouldn't see her blushing, but it was too late for that. I loved Nessie's hair and watching her brush it out was pretty cool too, although I could watch Nessie sit still in a chair all day too and be just as happy. Fuck - I still couldn't wrap my brain around the fact that this girl was mine.

She bent over and flipped her hair back from her face when she was done and it slapped against her back. Her blush was almost gone. I saw her looking around for a hair thing.

"Here," I told her, pulling the one that was in my hair out.

Nessie just kind of stared at my face for a few seconds, her cheeks getting pink again. I'm not sure, but I think she was looking at my hair. Was there any way she liked my hair anywhere near as much as I liked hers?

I offered the tie to her and she took it, biting that damn lip again. I was sad to watch the gorgeous red waves go when she twisted her hair up into a bun on the back of her head.

I got up while she was doing that and put on my shoes, then waited for Nessie to get done with hers. When I wrapped my arm around Nessie's shoulders like I always did when we were about to head out the door, I felt her small hand reach up and take hold of my mine that was hanging over her shoulder. It was the first time she'd done that.

And it was fucking awesome as hell.

I wasted time walking, going way slower than we needed to for two reasons. The first was Nessie, all warm and soft against my side and the second what that I really, really did not want to face this shit. But I knew I had to.

I had to see about the guys. And Rachel.

Fuck - Rachel would be real torn up. Damn it.

Nessie didn't say a thing, just held my hand while we walked. That girl knew me so good.

We finally got far enough in, no matter how slow I walked and I had to let go of Nessie. She plopped herself onto the ground like she was falling onto a couch, stretching her legs out in front of her and leaning back on her hands. Stared up at me from the ground with those wide brown eyes.

I wanted so bad just to lay down over her and kiss her like last night. Fuck, that had been the best moment of my life. And I knew she would make me feel so much better, all soft and warm and . . . and not horrible like the inside of my head was right now.

I think Nessie was waiting for me to hand her my shirt, which I always did since she was little and claimed she wanted to "help" me phase but I didn't think I could do that now. Not right now. Get undressed in front of her and not - do something. I just needed to go deal with this.

I walked off into the bushes and stripped down. I took a few deep breaths before I phased. It had never been a hard thing for me, phasing. Came easier to me than the rest of them, actually, even though I never really got why. But this time I seriously had to force it - the change almost hurt this time.

I immediately went back out to sit with Nessie. I sat down beside her, since I wasn't sure how she felt about me laying on her now that things had . . . changed.

But she just rolled her eyes and patted her leg at me.

"Come on, Jake!" She said like she was calling a puppy, which made me grin. I was definitely Nessie's puppy.

I threw myself down, letting my head drop into her lap.

_Um . . . hey, Jake._

I saw Forks trees blurring past. Nessie started scratching my ears.

_I already know. _I mean, I would've seen it the second I phased anyway. There was nothing else on anyone's mind.

_Hell, Jake, I'm so sorry, man._

_What you gonna do, man? That's life. _I didn't even care that they could see straight through that shit. They were in my head, after all. _How's my sister?_

_She's was real . . . messed up last night, but she's better this morning. Paul's got her. You know how it is. _

Yeah, I definitely know how it is. If Paul was making Rachel feel anywhere near as better as Nessie was me, I was gonna hug that bastard's neck when I saw him.

And then before I could call it back, the memory of pressing Nessie into the mattress last night and kissing her soft lips was right in the front of my mind. Shit. Nobody needed to see that.

I felt Quil's mind take . . . note.

_Oh. Well, congratulations, man. That's - when?_

_Last night. _Lying really did no good when the person you were lying to was in your head.

_Oh, Jake - that's great, man. _Fuck. How screwed up was my head right now that I didn't notice Seth phase? _And listen, I'm so sorry about Billy, man. We're gonna take care of everything for you. How you doin'?_

I had to remind myself that I had no reason to be mad at Seth. That I never did. It was hard.

_I'm doing, Seth, and that's about it. _

_But that - with Nessie. That's great, right?_

_Yeah._ I took a second to concentrate on Nessie's fingernails scratching the top of my head gently. _It's so great._

"Tell everyone I love them, that I miss them and I'm so sorry."

It took Quil saying, _Tell her we love her and miss her too. Claire's driving me insane about where Nessie went _to realize Nessie had been speaking.

_Hell of a lot of good sorry does, huh, Jacob? _Fuck. Now Leah - how the hell wasn't I picking up on this shit? _Sorry isn't bringing Billy back._

It felt like a punch to the gut and I knew that Leah felt it.

_Leah, why do you have to be like that?_

_God help me, Leah, I'll tell Mom - _

I saw Leah thinking of something to say and then forgetting it, her thoughts looping back in on themselves. I paid closer attention then and noticed how her sight wavered.

_Fuck, Leah, are you drunk?_

_No. _Yes.

_Leah! _Even in his head, you could hear Seth's worry. _How much did you have to fucking drink to get drunk?_

_Would than I thought I more. _

Yeah, Leah was fucking plastered.

_You know, Leah, I'm getting pretty sick of your shit. _I didn't wait for her drunk brain to process it before I kept on. I could feel Seth searching Leah's brain, starting to head in her direction. _Did your dad just fucking die? Are you on the run from some goddamn leeches trying to take your reason for life? So why do you get to wallow in your fucking depression and push it on everyone else? Be a fucking man._

_That's what you don't get, Jacob! _Leah felt my mental eyebrow-raise and the loudness of her thoughts and I felt her drunk self attempt to tone it down. _I'm not a man! I'm a woman - a girl! Would you expect this shit from your precious Nessie? Of course you wouldn't!_

_Don't bring Nessie into this. _

I felt Seth's search for his sister become more frantic. I think she was too drunk to even notice.

_Fuck off, Jacob, I'm not trying to insult your little half-vamp princess. I'm just trying to explain some shit to you - for someone stuck inside my head, you sure don't understand shit. _

_What the hell do you want me to understand? _I stopped caring about tact or any damn thing about the time she mentioned Nessie's name. _That you're a bitch?_

I felt something like a release in Leah's mind, like something breaking. Like . . . crying.

_That I fucking miss him too! Billy was like a second dad to me and Seth after Dad died and we get to miss him too!_

_I never told you that you couldn't. _I felt a little remorseful. How was I supposed to know Leah had feelings? _I just said to leave Nessie out of it. _

I felt Leah's mind . . . soften. Didn't see that often. Must have been the alcohol. I hope she wasn't passing out.

_I'm happy you . . . figured all your shit out, Jake. I'm happy she wants you back. Just - I don't know. I'm so fucking messed up right now - _

_We're all fucking messed up, but you don't see anyone downing three bottles of vodka. _Damn, this was just too much. _Phase back, drink you about a gallon of water and go the fuck to sleep. And that's an order. What would Sue think if she saw you?_

I felt a flash of shame penetrate her intoxicated brain.

_O-okay. Just - okay, fine. Hell._

Leah dropped off our radar. Seth stopped searching.

_Sorry about Leah, Jake. She's more tore up than she looks and you know how she deals with stuff._

_By being a bitch?_

_That's the way. _I think Seth even gave a small mental chuckle.

_Jacob, man, I'm so sorry but I've got to go. Claire's got some kind of art thing at school and she'll kill me if I miss it._

_That's fine, Quil. Bye._

_It'll be okay, man. And I'm still really sorry, even though I know that doesn't help. Phase if you need anything._

Another mind disappeared as Quil phased back.

_Funeral's tomorrow. _

Fuck. How was it possible that I had forgotten when it was all we had been talking about. I took a second to concentrate on Nessie's fingers in my fur, her sweet scent, to calm me down.

_Yeah?_

_Yeah. And if - if you wanna, you know, be there . . . I can phase and watch from the woods._

Wow.

_That would mean a lot, Seth. _

_It's not even nothing, man. I - you deserve to be there._

Thing was, I wasn't sure I did. But I sure as hell wanted to.

_It's not your fault._

Hell. Why did Seth choose now to start paying attention?

_Hey - I always pay attention!_

I almost chuckled a little. Almost.

_But I'm serious, man. I saw it and I knew Quil did too even if he didn't want to say anything. It's not your fault - you had to protect Nessie, you had to leave. You would have been wrong if you stayed._

_I know that. _Which was true. I did.

_And Billy didn't have a stroke because you left. _

_You don't know that, Seth. The stress could've - _

_Don't give me that, Jake. Billy's dealt with you leaving before with less notice, for much worse reasons._

All that shit with Bella felt like lifetimes ago. It was like watching a home movie you didn't remember taking.

_But if I was there in the house - _

_You wouldn't have been in the house, Jake. You sleep over on the Cullen property pretty much every night and you know that. What are you saying? That you should have stayed and let those Volturi guys come for Nessie?_

I bit back a growl. I didn't want Nessie to get worried. _Fuck no._

_You just like beating yourself up - you do the exact same thing as Leah except inverted. _

_Don't compare me to Leah._

_Then stop acting like her. I'm real sorry about Billy, man, and I know how it feels. Trust me, I do. I know it hurts like shit. But blaming yourself ain't gonna do a damn bit of good. _

Damn it. The little fucker was right.

_I know I am. _

Didn't change how I felt though.

_Just work on it. Nessie'll help. The funeral will too. _

_When is it?_

_In the morning._

_Okay. I'll - I'll see you then, I guess._

_All right, man. _

I would at least get to attend Billy's funeral. That was something. _I - I appreciate it, man._

_It's nothing._

_Well. _I needed Nessie. _I'm gonna go. _

_Bye, Jake. Take care._

_Sure, sure. _I got slowly up from Nessie's lap and started walking back to the bushes where my clothes were. _Go make sure Leah made it home for me, will you? I'd hate to think she was laying naked in the rain somewhere with alcohol poisoning. _

_Will do. _

I phased.

For some reason, I never noticed the stress getting better when I phased to a wolf but I sure did feel it get worse when I changed back to human. I took a total of three seconds to get my shit under control before I pulled my clothes back on fast as hell. I strode back out to where Nessie was while I was still pulling my shirt on.

She was already pushing herself up off the ground but I need to feel her so I grabbed her up in my arms and hugged her to my chest. Random, impulsive and probably had her wondering what the hell I was doing, but it made me feel a little bit better. She hugged me back.

I had my Nessie. I had her. She loved me like I loved her. She wanted me like I wanted her, although probably not as much. Nothing was going to take her away. I let that calm me down.

I had to put her down quick though, before little Jake started getting ideas.

I couldn't keep her far, though; I wrapped my arm around her like always. And like she had done this morning, she slipped her tiny hand inside mine.

"Are you okay?" She asked quietly, and I nodded. It was the truth. Close enough to it, I guess. "How is everyone?"

"They're - upset." And slobbering drunk. "But okay. They say they love you too, and - and congratulations."

"Congratulations?" She asked, confused. She was so cute. "For what?"

I couldn't help but smile a little. I brought our hands up in front of her face, hoping to give her a hint.

"Oh." Her cheeks went pink again. "Really?"

"Yeah." I hope she didn't get freaked out about the guy's being in my head. I would of course guard my memories like a safe but it was inevitable that sometimes things slipped out. Not that I wanted them to. "They're inside my head, so of course they - and they already know how amazing it us. They're really happy for . . . us."

"I am too." Fuck yes. I couldn't help but grin like hell. "Who else was, um . . . phased?"

"Quil and Seth." How was I supposed to tell her about the craziness that was Leah without lying? "Leah dropped in for a second, but she wasn't . . . feeling up to talking."

Because she was falling over drunk over my dad dying, but you don't need to know that.

"Oh."

"Rachel is pretty tore up, but she's got Paul, so . . . "

I wasn't sure why I said that. Was I turning into one of those guys who needed to express their feelings and shit?

"How's Grandpa Charlie?"

I searched my mind for any information I'd seen in Quil or Seth's mind about Charlie. I kicked myself for forgetting to ask after him - he _was _Billy's best friend, after all.

"He's . . . upset, but dealing." I'd seen that much. And just before she phased Leah had begun to think about how to sneak back into her and Seth's house without getting seen by Sue or Charlie. "Sue is helping a lot, and they're spending a lot of time down at La Push at Seth's house."

Nessie didn't say anything. Then it just burst out of me. I had no idea I'd been wanting to say it so bad.

"The funeral's tomorrow." Nessie turned her face up to study mine. "Seth said he would phase and watch from the forest if I . . . I wanted to be there."

Nessie stopped walking. "Oh, Jacob."

Shit. See now, I'd done it. Now she was worried about me.

"I'm fine, Nessie, really," I promised.

She didn't look like she believed me. I took a few steps so we were closer together, so close Nessie had to tilt her head back to look at me.

"I'm better than fine, Ness, I swear." I've got you, baby. You want me and that means I'll always be fine. "You - you don't know how much it helps . . . having you."

I wanted to kiss her again, but I couldn't. I wouldn't. Because we'd sure as I was born end up on the ground and I wouldn't do that to Nessie. She didn't deserve to lay in the dirt.

So I did the next best thing: I pulled her pretty white hand that was still in mine up to my lips and kissed it.

Nessie sighed a little and her eyes did the softening thing. I think she liked it. I hope.

I tugged on her arm and she complied, walking beside me all the way back to the hotel. I told her to take the shower first since that just seemed like the nice thing to do and I didn't really care, but Nessie looked like she didn't want to go. When she finally did, she brushed her hand over my shoulder and gave me a worried look.

What did she think, that I was gonna slit my wrists if she left me alone?

It's probably messed up, but I was just flattered.

I waited, impatient as hell, while she was in the bathroom. I tried not to think about her, all naked and wet in the shower or Billy, all dead and cold and about to be in dirt. Didn't work too well.

I forced myself not to turn around and look at Nessie when I heard the bathroom door open and a second later she was settling herself on the floor at my feet, hairbrush in hand. She looked sexy as hell in those black jeans and that Mountain Dew t-shirt.

I _did _like Mountain Dew.

She was grinning real big for some reason. Was it possible she was half as happy as me? So happy if felt like it was going to come busting out of you and onto everything?

"Shower's yours, Jake."

I wasn't ready to get in the shower. I was ready to sit here and watch Nessie brush through that gorgeous hair of hers. I loved her hair so much. I wished I could do it for her.

And before I knew it, my mouth had asked.

"Do what?"

I felt my face heat up. Go, Jake. Way to sound completely un-creepy.

"Um . . . brush your hair for you."

Unbelievably, her smile got even wider. But she wasn't laughing.

"Sure . . . if you want to."

I definitely wanted to.

I just slid off the bed so I was sitting on the floor with her. I spread my legs so she could sit between them, and Nessie quickly situated herself with her back to me. She passed me the brush and our fingers brushed. I'd had my hands all over her last night but that simple touch was enough to get me going right now.

"Do I have to separate it like you do?" I asked her. I mean, damn, it's not like I've exactly done this before. Not since she was really little, at least, and she had a lot less hair then.

She told me that I didn't, it just made it easier and that it wasn't rocket science. Then she reached back and touched my knee. Damn.

I warned her to tell me if I hurt her and she agreed.

Brushing Nessie's hair was awesome. It was still a little damp from the shower but not enough to straighten the curls out. And it smelled so sweet, all long and hanging down her back. When I wasn't holding it, it reached all the way down to my legs.

When I was finally finished, I brushed it all back and pulled it around to hang over her shoulder. Then because I couldn't resist, I leaned in and kissed the back of her neck. I kept my lips there longer than I needed - she just smelled so _good._

Nessie shuddered hard against my lips and I realized that I really need to get out of there.

"All done, Ness."

I rushed my ass to the shower where I could hopefully control the bad thoughts a little better. The hotel floor wasn't much better than the ground outside. I pulled the door half-to.

I was already naked before I realized I'd forgot my clothes. I asked Nessie if she could put me some outside the door and she called back "Sure, sure!" which made me grin.

I showered quick because I didn't think I could resist little Jake's screaming if I stayed alone with him for too long. And this was definitely not turning into an everyday thing.

I couldn't help but laugh out loud when I saw the clothes Ness had picked out for me. A pair of jeans and, of course, my wolf shirt. The girl really did love this shirt for some reason. I pulled my jeans on, grabbed a fresh towel to towel my hair, and walked back out to the room.

"Tell me, Ness," I teased while I was walking. "What's the deal with you and this shirt?"

I had already flung the shirt at her like I was planning to, which was a good thing because I wouldn't have been able to do it now. Nessie was stretched out on the bed, her hair hanging off the end. Her shirt was raised away from her jeans to show a small strip of white skin.

I swallowed and used the time it took her to pull the shirt off her face to get myself under control. She flipped herself back over and flung the shirt back at me, which I caught. Of course.

"I - I just like it."

Nessie's eyes travelled down my body and back up quickly in a way that I think I liked.

"But what's so special about it?"

I think I knew. But I wanted to hear her say it.

I threw my towel on the ground and shook the shirt out. The wolf on the front didn't even look like me. It was grey.

"It reflects the beat within, I guess," she joked, but I could tell it was the truth. She liked it because it reminded her of me.

That shit made me so fucking happy it was ridiculous.

"You don't have to wear it if you don't like it."

"No, I like it," I assured her, pulling it on just to prove my point. If it made Nessie happy, I liked it. "Especially if you do. It's just that you were so happy when you saw it in the store and you grin like a fool every time I wear it. And then you picked it out today."

"It looks nice," she told me. Avoiding the point. "And it fits good."

I think my face heated up again. Blushing like a damn girl, but that didn't really matter because damn, did Nessie just say what I thought she said? She liked how it fit? Maybe girl-speak was different, but 'fits good' in guy-speak means . . . well, you know what it means.

I grabbed the brush and ran it through my hair to distract myself. Nessie kept her eyes on my hair and my gaze floated down to her t-shirt. I started off just looking at the logo, but then, guy-brain and all, became more interested in what the logo was sitting on.

"Yours is cool too," I said before she could catch me ogling. "I like Mountain Dew."

Nessie's cheeks turned pink. "I know."

Had she bought that on account of me too? I grinned and Nessie looked away, shy. She was so damn cute.

I stuffed my dirty clothes back in my bag and asked Nessie if she was ready to head out. "We've been here two nights, so I really think we should move on to somewhere new."

But hell if I was ever going to forget this room. For more than one reason.

"Whatever you want, Jake." Nessie jumped up and started stuffing her stuff away too. "I don't care where we go as long as I'm with you."

Damn. When could I kiss her again?

"Me too." I reached out and grabbed her hand, squeezed it once. I just had to touch her. "It's just safer."

"Well, then let's go."

We got out and into the car all right. I was flipping through the radio, once again getting aggravated that there was nothing on it. I was trying to find something Nessie would like. She'd been listening to my stuff for awhile. Anyway, she reminded me that I'd just bought some CDs (yesterday, but it felt like fucking years) and I asked her to get them.

Bad idea.

Nessie crawled up onto the armrest and swung her little self into the back and her ass was _right by my face_. I have no idea how I didn't crash the car. My mind immediately went to a very unclean place - the fantasies were so much worse now, now that Nessie was mine.

Now that I knew they had a possibility of happening, even way off in the future.

I couldn't even look at her when she was back in her seat. She tried to hand me the CDs and I told her to pick one. I was barely able to keep my focus on driving right now, my brain spinning with images of pressing myself against her sweet body from behind and running my hand up her stomach . . .anyway, the point was, I couldn't be looking at CDs.

"Let's see," Nessie said, her voice bringing me down a little. "This one has a guy with tattoos on his neck and his pants to his knees, this one had s girl wearing what I assume must be a bathing suit but would probably get her arrested for public indecency, and _this one _has a guy blowing smoke rings and counting money. Decisions, decisions."

Should've never taught that girl sarcasm. I rolled my eyes and reached out to take the CDs from her but she turned her back to me and scrambled up in the chair to get away from my reach. I could've gotten them if I wanted - my arms weren't _that short_, but why ruin her fun?

"Come on, Nessie, that stupid mall didn't have any good rock music, I looked - "

"This one." She opened the CD and handed it out to me. "I like his underwear."

"What?"

I know she was probably being sarcastic or ironic but I didn't care. That shot a surge of something through me that I really, really didn't like. That gonna-lose-her feeling.

She laughed at me a little.

"I'm just playing, Jake." I loved when she called me Jake. "He looks stupid."

I was able to relax a little and slid the CD in. I checked the case and turned it to track five, which came out the summer I turned fifteen. I remember because me and Quil and Embry thought we were the shit because we had it memorized.

There was no way in hell I was fixing to rap in front of Nessie, though.

I watched her from the corner of my eye, trying to get her reaction to the music. Just like I acted like I liked it more than I did, sometimes I suspected Nessie was putting on about just how much she hated it. With the same goal as me, of course - to annoy the other one.

"Why do you like this music?" Nessie hollered over the music. Not in a rude way, just a curious one.

I turned the radio down.

"I like some of the songs mostly for the beat." And when I was fifteen, the dancing women weren't a subtraction from the allure at all. "I listen to it less than you think. I just turn it on when you're around because it bugs you and it's fun to hear you complain. And in the store, there was literally no good rock music, and these were really the only CDs I recognized. I had them a long time ago when they came out."

She shoved my shoulder like she was annoyed that I purposely tried to bug her. Whatever. She did it too.

"It's good dance music," I added, since the image of_ Nessie _dressed in some short-shorts and a bikini top and dancing to this song was now lodged in my mind. Forget video honeys.

"Since when do you dance?"

Oh no. Oh shit no. Backtrack, Jake. Can't have Nessie thinking you're some sort of suave . . . not-incredibly-awkward dancer.

"I don't really." Ever. "I'm just saying."

"You were good at the wedding."

Really?

I remembered how Nessie had felt against me, her tiny arms around my neck, her head on my chest, and smiled.

"I was just happy to have you that close after not seeing you for that long." And I don't care how it sounds. Even though I can't look at your eyes when I say it. I remembered how Nessie had clutched at my arms when I tilted her back. "Sorry for scaring you by dipping you like that."

"You didn't scare me." Her voice was quiet, thoughtful. "Why did you, though?"

Truth time, Jake.

"Um . . ." Good start, Jacob. Your middle-school speaking coach would be proud. "Don't laugh, okay? I saw Seth dip you and you were smiling and I . . . I got jealous."

"Aw, Jake, that's sweet." Nessie reached over and took my hand. As soon as I turned my eyes back to the road, I felt Nessie's soft lips pressing into the back of my hand, kissing mine like I had kissed hers. "But you had no reason to be."

Those words . . . felt so damn good. I swallowed hard and tried not to think how those lips would feel on other parts of my body.

"I know that now."

Then Nessie said loudly, "I wanted to kill that stupid blonde girl in Wal-Mart."

Confusion clouded my brain. And, well, maybe a _little_ lust.

"What?"

"That - that girl who asked you if = if her bikini was too _small_."

I thought hard back to our day at Wal-Mart before I remembered. Those twittering girls who kept distracting me from Nessie. Had she been blonde?

And most of all, Nessie had noticed. She did care.

"Don't ever worry, Nessie." Not even for a second, honey. "If you hadn't mentioned she was blonde, I wouldn't have even remembered that much. I . . . I don't see anybody but you."

Nessie was quiet and I was just about to start mentally kicking myself for making her uncomfortable when I felt her open the connection between us. She hadn't used it when me since that day in the car when I almost phased. I missed it.

We were back in the laundromat, except I - Nessie - was sitting at the plastic table folding t-shirts that were huge in my tiny hands. Then that little fucker came and sat right in front of me. She showed me the whole scene from her eyes, but I knew that wasn't what she wanted me to see. I felt her confusion and then irritation at the guy trying to chat her up.

Then Nessie felt a warm hand on her shoulder and her heart swelled. She looked up at my face - which looked much more handsome than when I looked at the mirror - and there was a rush of love and protection and - and some lust.

Damn. I bit my lip hard. I loved this girl so much.

Then I saw what might have been the best sight of my life.

The vision changed - it was like a close-up on a camera of what was unmistakably my mouth, just like it was now, with my lip between my teeth. But then a pair of white hands pressed themselves gently to either side of my face and a pair of lips I'd know anywhere came into view.

Barely keeping control of the car, I watched Nessie's lips press themselves against mine. Then with her mouth, she pulled my lip from between my teeth and caught it with hers.

Nessie was . . . thinking about that. Thinking about doing that. To me.

I was gonna crash this fucking car.

* * *

**Coming up:**

What was this punishment for? Leaving Billy? That I had this gorgeous, mind-blowingly sexy girl in my lap trying to get it on with me and I had to tell her no? Who could say no to those lips?

Apparently, I had to.

"Do you know how hard it is to refuse you like this?" With your lips all red and swollen from kissing me and your hair all down around your face? "Please let me be responsible, Nessie - I would die if we rushed into something you weren't ready for."

Before I could even react, Nessie was kissing me again. Hard and deep, her tongue teasing my bottom lip - and then she was gone.


	20. Her Everything

**_A/N:_** All right, here's this. Writing this stuff from Jake's POV is new territory for me so make sure to tell me if I'm messing it up. I'm happier with the second half of the chapter (the conversation) more than the first part but maybe that's just me. Let me know what y'all think.

**_Disclaimer:_** I have to give my Daddy credit in this one because he's the one who always tells me, "If I don't talk to my baby, who am I gonna talk to?". You can also replace the word talk with other various words depending on the situation. Yes, I am a Daddy's girl. Oh, and I absolutely adore the lyrics for this chapter (which I don't own). I think they fit perfectly and can be applied to Jake's life before Nessie _or_ Nessie helping Jake through Billy's death. Take your pick.

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Her Everything

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_and then my gypsy life started taking its toll  
and the fast lane got empty and out of control  
and just like an angel, she saved my soul from the devil_

_- toby keith, god love her_

-

Next thing I knew, we were parked on the shoulder of the road. I had never been so turned on in my life. I needed Nessie like a drug.

Without thinking, I twisted in my chair, my arms reaching out for her. Nessie scrambled up in her chair and went easily when I pulled her over into my seat. Her tiny waist was heaven in my hands and Nessie was breathing hard when she settled into my lap.

Nessie wound her fingers in my hair and my heartbeat was seriously freaking out. She leaned in at the same time I did and our foreheads pressed together. I needed her so bad - but I couldn't just - I had to -

"I'm sorry." I was fucking panting. That's how far gone I was. I reached up and wrapped one hand around the back of her neck. "I'm sorry, Ness, I just - I couldn't - can I kiss you?"

Please. I need to kiss you so bad, Nessie.

"Please."

Oh fuck. That was all I needed.

I pressed my lips to Nessie's and then that was it. I was gone.

Her mouth was _so _soft and _so _sweet and _so _right up against mine. Nessie's hands on my neck pulled me closer, pressing our lips even more together. It was good she was on top of me and we were in the car or I would have had her under me in a heartbeat.

I slid my hands down to her lower back and pulled and she opened her legs even more so she could slide even closer to me. Her lips were fast but gentle against mine, letting me keep the dominance of the kiss. Lead her.

She sighed into my mouth, the sexiest sound, and then those lips parts under mine. I had to taste her.

I forced myself to go slow, easy, so I wouldn't scare her but - but I had to. I reached my tongue out to barely brush her bottom lip and little Jake just about came bursting out. She was so sweet - she tasted just like she smelled but . . . but more.

I couldn't help but run my tongue over her bottom lip again; I bit back a groan and Nessie clung to my neck harder. I had to make sure she was okay with this. As much as I didn't want to, I started to pull back.

Nessie made a disagreeing noise and tried to follow me with her lips, but I somehow found the strength to pull back. Not far, though, I kept our lips touching. I was breathing so damn hard.

"Is - is this okay?"

"Yes," she whispered back, arching her back into my hands while her lips were trying to get back on mine. "Yes, it's fine, Jacob, just please - "

My girl didn't need to say anything else. My lips were already back on hers, kissing her fast and not as gently as before. My tongue immediately went back to tasting her lip.

I was losing my goddamn mind. Nessie was in my lap, pressing herself all up against me, warm and there and completely mine and kissing me like she never wanted to be anywhere else. This time yesterday I thought she was in love with my beta. How was I supposed to deal with this?

By slipping her the tongue, apparently.

I couldn't help it. I just had to taste her.

And damn, was it worth it.

The inside of her mouth was warmer . . . more moist. I bit back another loud-ass moan.

I felt Nessie start to get more comfortable - turning her head to get at my lips from different angles and making more noises. Damn, this girl.

I brought my tongue back into my own mouth and settled on kissing Nessie with just my lips. I couldn't - tasting her drove me crazy. Too crazy. Do-something-really-bad-like-grab-her-ass crazy.

Then Nessie's tongue ran across my lip.

Let me repeat myself: the girl fucking licked me.

And for a second, I just froze. Nessie did too and I could practically _hear _her freaking out that she'd done something wrong. I didn't think I could actually form words right now so I just kissed her harder than before.

My stomach was already tight as hell and Nessie started opening her lips even more against mine, her small tongue finding its way back to my lips.

I have no idea how I kept little Jake in control with what this girl was doing to me.

I couldn't help the moan that got out though. Nessie's reaction was to press her lips into me harder and bring her hands up to cup my face. And run her tongue across my teeth.

If that wasn't enough to do me in, her reaction - she made the hottest noise and rocked her hips straight into mine - was.

Shit. I didn't want to, but I had to take my hand off her soft waist to put it on her neck. It was just about the hardest thing I've ever done to pull away from her mouth.

"Nessie - " I couldn't stay away completely though. I kissed the corner of her perfect lips, her jaw, her neck. " - what - ?"

"You taste good." Fuck, honey. She was panting. "You taste so good."

I tried to concentrate on kissing Nessie's neck instead of her words but I'm not sure that really helped my situation. Speaking of tasting good, I was about to find out just how good Nessie's neck tasted.

Not as good as her lips, I'm sure, but good the fuck enough.

Then Nessie pried my head straight off of her. My stomach immediately went tumbling. I had pushed her too far -

Nessie shook her head breathlessly and pressed her warm palm to my cheek. I saw us as we were now - and damn if we didn't look good - but I was cranking back the seat so she could lay down over me.

Nessie wanted that.

And what Nessie wanted, Nessie got.

I nodded and leaned back, getting that seat down fast as hell.

Nessie just sat back on my hips, her lips red and a little swollen (had I done that?), her hair almost all the way down now, looking sexier than she ever had and smiled down at me. It was a smile I had never seen before either - not on her. It was a sexy, very grown smile.

I loved it. And as good as she looked straddling me like this, I wanted her over me like in her vision.

I wrapped my hands around her waist and tugged and Nessie didn't need much persuading; she leaned right over me. She slid down my legs a little - little Jake was disappointed, but my head was happy it just got a lot easier to hold back - and my hands slid up. Until they were just under her breasts. Her gorgeous, full breasts.

Nessie hovered over me for a second before she leaned in and kissed my neck and damn if it didn't feel good. It was torture - laying there, panting like I was in a marathon while her soft lips ran all up and down my neck.

Then I felt a hot kiss right near the front of my throat. I barely had time to register her lips parting before I felt her tongue come out to run over my skin. I bit my lip on another groan.

I wanted Nessie's mouth on mine but if she wanted to do this I wasn't going to stop her. I wasn't about to push her for anything right about now - this was good enough for me.

She went to my jaw then, which was almost worse than my neck. It was so much closer to my mouth. When she reached the point of her tongue out to trace along the edge of my jaw, I was done. I couldn't help myself - I pulled her back up to my mouth.

I kinda lost it for a second, sweeping my tongue along the inside her mouth, taking in the hot, sweet, wet taste of her.

Then Nessie lost it on me, holding me tighter and kissing me harder than ever before. I reached out to do it again, hoping it'd get a similar reaction only to come into contact with something hot and wet.

Nessie's tongue. Against mine.

Lust wrenched in my stomach. I needed this girl so fucking much.

Then she gasped into my mouth and thrust her hips forward into mine hard, looking for something I knew she didn't understand.

Fuck. It felt so goddamn good, but I couldn't do this. Just because Nessie's body was wanting this didn't mean her head did. It didn't mean she knew what was going on.

We had to stop.

I used my hands on either side of her face to pull her away. I could tell she didn't want to be separated but I didn't give her a choice - I wasn't sure how long my willpower would last if she kept on kissing me like that. If she kept pressing into me like that.

She was panting so hard, and it was the sexiest thing. Kissing me had made her out of breath like that. Wanting me.

"Ness - we - we have to stop."

Even if it kills me. You're more important.

She just shook her head at me, confused, her eyes wide and amazing. "What - why - ?"

Just one more kiss, Jake.

I listened to the Jake in the riding gear and gave her one more kiss, both my lips very closed. If she got her tongue back in there . . .

"I don't want to, Nessie, but - this is too much too fast for you." I'd kill myself if you woke up one day feeling taken advantage of. "We have to slow down."

"Not too fast." It was a testament to how much I loved her when I pulled back when her lips tried to catch mine. "Just fast enough."

What was this punishment for? Leaving Billy? That I had this gorgeous, mind-blowingly sexy girl in my lap trying to get it on with me and I had to tell her no? Who could say no to those lips?

Apparently, I had to.

"Do you know how hard it is to refuse you like this?" With your lips all red and swollen from kissing me and your hair all down around your face? "Please let me be responsible, Nessie - I would die if we rushed into something you weren't ready for."

Before I could even react, Nessie was kissing me again. Hard and deep, her tongue teasing my bottom lip - and then she was gone.

She sat back on her haunches, sighing and looking pretty goddamn pleased with herself. Couldn't blame her - I was pretty pleased with her too.

I traced my tongue over the path hers had taken on my lip, trying to taste a little of her there. Nessie squeezed my legs that were between hers together, her eyes dropping down to my mouth with a look I knew.

This girl was gonna kill me. Seriously.

"So should I get back in my seat now?" Her tone told me that she wasn't happy about it, but she would. For me.

I reached back and sat the seat up, knowing it would bring us that much closer. Nessie leaned back into the steering wheel as I sat up. Looks like we were both fighting ourselves.

"As much as I wish there was another way around it." I took my hands off her waist so I wouldn't be tempted. "I don't think I'd be able to concentrate on the road."

Nessie made a sad little face that I didn't mind half as much as the other ones, but still didn't like. I never wanted Nessie to want for anything, but - damn. She just didn't get it.

She crawled back into her seat and I couldn't help but try to catch a glimpse of her ass as she situated herself in her chair.

I followed Nessie's gaze to the clock. Had we really been stopped less than five minutes? How could all of that have happened in less than five minutes?

I reached out and took Nessie's hand once we were back on the road. I still wanted to be close to her, even if I was driving, and I didn't want to her think the only affection I wanted was the . . . physical kind. I loved this too.

I rubbed a thumb over the back of her hand, loving how smooth her skin was under mine and told her that I thought we should drive for about another hour before we threw it in for the day. "What d'you think?"

Nessie smiled bright and nodded happily. I don't think I was the only one who couldn't wait to get back to a hotel room. That had a bed.

Nessie in bed. Mmm.

Okay. Maybe Nessie in bed wasn't such a good idea right now, straight away.

"Maybe we can go see a movie," I said as soon as it popped into my brain. "You wanted to do that and we didn't get to . . . "

"Yeah, okay." I still can't believe we'd never took this girl to a movie. "I'm kind of hungry now - can we eat before the movie?"

"Sure, sure." Damn. I'd forgotten about food - that definitely didn't happen at home. "Can you wait or do you want something now?"

"No, I can wait."

So me and Nessie were going out to eat and then to a movie. The classical date.

Me and Nessie's first date. While we were on the run from crazy psycho vamps. Great timing, Jake.

I laughed a little at how amazingly happy I was despite all the shit and Nessie asked, "What?"

"Nothing, I just - nothing."

"Na-uh, Jake, that's not fair." She shook our joined hands. "You can't start and then change your mind and say nothing, that's teasing."

The word teasing took my brain to bad places so I shot it down.

"No," I corrected. I didn't want her to think I was teasing her. I felt my face heat up. "It's just - it's kind of like our first date, isn't it?"

I waited for Nessie to laugh at me. When she did laugh, it wasn't the one I expected.

"Well, now I'm excited." My sweet Nessie. I could've kissed her. "My first date."

The wolf in me made my stomach tighten up at that. Another claim I would have on her. I wanted to be Nessie's first and last everything. First, last, and everything in between.

And I wanted her to be mine too. I tried not to think about the parts of that I'd already ruined. But I had never been on a date before, and I couldn't imagine one more perfect than with Nessie.

So I said, "Mine too."

"What?"

"Yeah." I couldn't tell if I was amused or not. I wondered why she seemed so shocked. "Why, is that surprising?"

"A little."

Oh, honey.

"Think about it, Ness: I'm twenty-four. I lost any and all interest I may have had in dating when you were born - that was seven years ago." Seven amazing, mind-blowing, perfect years ago. "I was seventeen then, and I just never . . . never had."

I chanced a glance at Nessie and she looked like she was thinking hard.

"But you've kissed someone before."

Fuck. Shit. Damn, damn, damn.

I knew I would have to do this, but I didn't want to do it so damn soon. I had to do it right - I had to make Nessie understand. I - I couldn't let her leave me. My stomach twisted itself into a knot. And not the good kind.

I swallowed and looked out the window. Passed a slow-ass 18-wheeler.

"Yeah, yeah I have." And I'm so, so sorry.

And like I knew she would, like anyone would, she asked, "Who was she?"

I chanced another look and she didn't seem angry or even upset. Just a little curious. Was it possible that she knew just how much I belonged to her? That she knew how no one else even mattered next to her?

I couldn't be sure. I had to do this in steps.

"It's - a long story." And the award for Understatement of What Will Hopefully Be Jacob Black's Long-Ass Werewolf Life goes to . . . "And - and it was before you were born, Nessie, you have to remember that." Always remember that. "The second I saw you, you became my world. I never even had a thought of anyone else."

"I know, Jake," she told me softly. But the thing was, she didn't.

"This is something I've been meaning to tell you, since . . . well, since last night, but I was going to wait until . . . " Until I was forced to, which turns out to be now. Please don't hate me. "I just want you to understand . . . "

Please still love me.

"Just tell me." There it was again, that soft voice. Coaxing me, comforting me. What would I do if I had to hear it scream at me again? Or worse, cry? "I won't get angry, or - or whatever it is you're afraid of."

"No, it's just that it's complicated, Ness, and I really, really don't want to mess this up when you're just . . . " So perfect. So amazing. So beautiful. So finally mine. "When you just decided that you want to be with me."

"Jacob." The firmness of her tone jerked me, but my eyes were stuck on the road. "I'm not - whatever the big deal is about this girl, I'm not - you can't _mess this up _- I'm not going anywhere!" Please mean that. Please - "I can't - I can't live without you, I though you knew that?"

I tore my eyes off the road then. I had to see her - I had to see the perfect mouth those words had just come out of.

Can't live without me. Can't live without me just like I can't live without her.

Nessie's eyes did the softening thing, but the darkening thing too and I knew that couldn't be good. Not right now. I had to do this. I looked back at the road.

"No, it's just - okay, okay, um . . . let me figure out how to start."

All right, Jake, let's start from the beginning. Give her all the information.

Before you drop the bomb.

"When - when your Mom and Dad first started seeing each other, back when she was human obviously, there was an accident." It was funny how something that used to make me so blood-boiling mad hardly mattered anymore. It was all just to lead me to her. This girl. "Anyway, Edward got it into his head that him being in Bella's life was too dangerous for her, and he left."

"He left her?"

Shit. Hadn't thought about that bomb.

"Just listen, Nessie, okay?" I held her hand tight and thought about what to say next. Never thought I'd see the day I'd be defending what Edward had done. "He did it because he thought she would be safer, but . . . she wasn't okay. She got real . . . real sick. Depressed. Then we started hanging out, and . . . she started to get better. Not all the way, I don't know if she ever could have healed completely, but . . . better."

Nessie nodded, urging me on. She wanted the rest.

"There are different theories about why we imprint." I knew I had probably confused her with the change of subject but she needed to hear this too before I told her. "Some think we're drawn to mates most likely to pass on the wolf gene, some think we're drawn to those most likely to make the _strongest _wolves." Like Sam, but he's wrong. "But I'm not sure it's either. It's magic, right? I mean, they could have just given us extreme . . . physical attraction to a particular female, and we would . . . mate and then the line would carry on, but imprinting doesn't work like that."

Because while I'm so goddamn attracted to you, Nessie, that's definitely not all it is.

I didn't wait for her to say anything. I kept on.

"It's love, right? It's true love, complete devotion, your true mate. Not just physically, but emotionally too." Everything. Your everything. You are my everything. "In every way. I think it's just a . . . a perk, kinda. We're made to protect, it's our purpose, but I think imprinting it just like a really great bonus. I think it's . . . fate."

Because there could never be any universe or reality where I didn't love you so completely like this.

I chanced another look at Nessie but she looked like she was still thinking hard. Time to drive it home.

"I think it's destiny. I think that . . . even if I was human, and I met you now I would love you." There would be no way I wouldn't. "It might not be at first sight, but . . . " I don't see how it couldn't be. "Do you understand?"

Please understand.

"Yeah, Jake." Oh, yes. Thank you. "Soul mates, right?"

"Right." Thank God.

"But what does that have to do with what I asked you?"

Damn.

"Okay, I think the universe . . . guides you, all right?" Guides me straight to you. "I think that everything happens for a reason, all the means necessary to reach the end." To reach you. "Now, I want you to keep all this in mind when I tell you this." Now for the Jerry Springer shit. "When I was a teenager . . . I was in love with Bella."

Nessie went kind of limp beside me, her grip loosening in mine. "What?"

"I - I loved your mom." And I would change it if I could. I would change it if I was sure I would still get to keep you. "I was jealous of your dad, I - I tried to compete for Bella's . . . heart." Please don't hate me. "And I kissed her twice."

"Did she . . . want you to?" was not the question I was expecting.

But I wasn't going to lie to my Ness. I wouldn't push any of the blame on Bella.

"I thought she did." That was true enough, the first time. "She punched me in the face the first time, and the second time . . . I kind of tricked her." I manipulated her was what I did. "I was stupid." Beyond stupid. "I - and then her and Edward got married and she came back . . . pregnant."

With you.

"Me," Nessie breathed.

"Yeah." And then I remembered the amazingness that was the day she was born in astounding detail. Holding her tiny body in my arms. Shit had definitely changed since then. "You."

Now, please, please, please understand this.

"But, Nessie, it makes me sick even to think about it, but - I - I hated you."

Nessie made a sound like she had been punched, collapsing back against her seat and my heart wrenched.

"No, listen, Nessie - please!" Please, baby. Please. "I - I was so in love with Bella, and I know . . . I know it wasn't your fault, but . . . you were killing her. She wasn't planning on making it through the delivery human anyway, she was reckoning on changing to save herself, but to me it was the same thing." Funny how I could talk so easily about something that once would have made me sick to my stomach. But none of it mattered - all that mattered now was that Nessie understood. "If Bella was a vampire, she would have been as good as dead to me."

Nessie took a breath in. Was it a good sign?

"And I kept telling myself I was going to stay away - that she was going to die and I just needed to stay away, but I couldn't." I couldn't stay away from you, even before you were born. "Do you hear me, Ness? I literally _couldn't_. I - I didn't know why until after you were born and I saw you."

I remembered the first time I had seen those bright brown eyes, staring at me from over Blondie's shoulder. So tiny, so amazing. So beautiful, even then, although in a very different way.

"And you were - everything." Everything isn't big enough. Everything doesn't even begin to explain. "Just like that. There was nothing else."

Except you.

And then I felt the connection between us open. I could hear Nessie thinking about what I'd just told her. How I loved her mother, loved her like I loved Nessie -

Wrong.

"No." She had to know that. "Not like you, Ness. Not by half - no, a hundred, a thousandth." A millionth. A billion, trillionth. "Nothing could ever compare."

"So what are you saying?"

No. No, Nessie, please not like this.

"Because it was you all along. Even before you were born." From the first time I laid eyes on Bella when I was five years old. The first time I saw her outside Charlie's, driving that old-ass red truck over for her. "Nothing but being in love with Bella would have kept me that close to her, in a house full of vampires, my sworn enemies, when there was no hope left." You were the hope, but I just didn't know that. "Except that I had to meet you." Or sure as I'm Jacob Black, I'd be dead right now. "Destiny."

"You - you don't love her anymore?"

No. Never. At all. Not like that.

"Not like anything but a sister, like a friend." Like the love of my life's mom. "There's really not that much room in my heart for anyone else."

You take up too much damn room, girl. But I don't mind a bit.

Nessie was quiet for a long time and I didn't say anything. She deserved time to work things out. I was praying the whole time though.

Then she said, "Okay."

And it wasn't sad or angry or upset or anything but a normal word. Okay.

"Okay?"

She wasn't letting me off that easy, was she? Was that really it? Had she forgiven me already?

"Okay."

I think she had. I didn't let my heart swell like it wanted - not yet.

"You're - you don't care?" I had to make sure. "You're fine. Just like that?"

"I . . . I don't like the idea of you loving anyone else before me, but that's how life works, isn't it?" Me neither, Ness. I don't like it either. She smiled a little. "Most people fall in love lots of times. At least I got it right on the first try, with you coming in close second."

My heart warmed and sunk at the same time.

"This is it, Ness." She had to know that. She had to know that beyond any doubt. "You're it 'til I die, you know that, right?"

And even after.

"I know." Her voice was quiet.

I steeled myself. I wouldn't stutter.

"Even if you decide you don't want me, I'll still be yours."

"I'll always be yours, Jake." That rolled over me like cool wind on a hot fucking day. "I always have been. Don't you know that?"

"So - so you don't care?" She had to say it, straight out, before I could let go of the anxiety.

"You love me most, right?"

I nodded, hard and fast. "You know I - "

"Okay." She said it simple, like it was the easiest thing in the world. "You're all I want. For you to love me most is more than I can ask for."

Not more. It's not even near enough.

"You can ask for so much more than that, Nessie." I looked her dead in the eye. "You could ask for the moon and I'd get it for you."

I'd tear my heart out right now and give it to you, still beating, if you wanted it.

"I've already got the sun."

The fact that she meant me, that she called me her sun, was more than I could hope for. It was one of the most amazing things I'd ever heard. I needed to kiss her.

I was going to kiss her. I tugged on her hand. "Come here."

"What?"

"Come here," I repeated, pulling on her hand again and her eyes lit up. She got it.

She crawled up in her seat and leaned towards me. I passed a red Honda so we were clear for a few hundred yards and used the hand that was in Nessie's a second ago to cup her face. I pressed my lips to hers, catching her bottom lip between mine. I tried to pour all of my gratefulness and love into the kiss. Nessie moaned and I tasted her bottom lip one more time before I had to pull away.

Nessie slid, looking like she'd been disconnected at the joints, back into her chair. Her moan was still ringing in my ears. Little Jake liked that. Was it possible that I could make her feel like that? It was hard to believe. Damn.

She was so good. Trusting me, taking care of me, dealing with my shit. Loving me.

Forgiving me.

"Thank you, Ness."

"What?"

"Thank you for - for understanding."

Nessie used her small hand in mine to open the connection between us and passed me a burst of love. I felt our last kiss from her point of view, amazing and head-spinning. The exact same way I felt. I couldn't help but smile.

"Love you too, Ness. So much."

She smiled, showing off her bright white teeth. And her _amazing _lips.

"I know."

I couldn't help but grin back. "You better."

"Thank you for talking to me, Jake." She was so earnest, so sincere. How could anybody not love her? "I know it must have been really hard for you."

"It was only what you deserved." You deserve so much more, more than I can ever give you. But I'm going to break my neck trying. "Besides, you're my everything, Ness. If I don't talk to you, who am I gonna talk to?"

She smiled again, grinning wide and drawing the corner of her bottom lip in between her teeth. Damn. She squeezed my hand in hers and leaned in to rest her head on my shoulder. Goddamn.

"You're my everything too, Jake."

My heart swelled.

Her everything. I never wanted to be anything else.

* * *

**Coming up:**

Now Jake was about to get some visuals.

"A top, I think."

Now, was that stringy thing a top? Or a bottom? Not sure exactly how you'd wear it if it was either, but still.

And as much as I was having fun in my head imagining Nessie in that thing, there was no way in hell I was taking her to the movies wearing it if she somehow by some shot in hell did manage to buy it.

But I knew my Nessie, and she wouldn't do that.


	21. Black Family Rule Number One

**_A/N:_** Okay, so y'all have kicked my butt into gear! As of last week, this chapter wasn't even written and now I'm up to chapter 24. I got lazy and the chapters started creeping up on me, which I hate letting them do. I like having tons in advance, because I never know when I'll get busy or lazy.

I have kind of mixed feelings about this chapter - I'll let y'all decide. I'll settle for saying it's pretty good, but it'll probably grow on me with time.

I had tons of things to say that I can't remember now (which I will as soon as I post), but I do remember one thing I meant to say in my A/N for _HoM_ and forgot: _Hands on Me_ has surpassed 900 reviews! That's crazy! That's less than one hundred away from a thousand!

And since I know most of you read both POVs, I just want to say thank you all so, so much. Really. Y'all are amazing.

**_Disclaimer: _**I don't own the lyrics found here, although I am obsessed with them. Just thought they fit well there - oh, and I couldn't decide on a chapter title so you get what you see before you. Two. ;)

**_

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Black Family Rule Number One (Or, Bringing Mumus Back)

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_sweatpants, hair-tied, chillin' with no makeup on  
that's when you're the prettiest  
i hope that you don't take it wrong_

_- drake, best i ever had_

-

This was heaven.

If I ever did die, and by some crazy-ass stroke of luck managed to end up in heaven, how God was gonna top this was lost on me. He'd probably just replicate this situation, which was just damn fine with me.

It couldn't get better than this. It just couldn't.

Nessie, all warm and perfect and soft, snuggled up into my arms. Her face pressed into my chest, taking those deep breaths and making those perfect little contented sounds I knew well. If my scent was half as comforting for her as hers was for me well then, damn. I didn't even know what to think.

It was so good - it was so damn good - to not have to pretend I didn't love Nessie the wrong way. That I loved her the absolutely perfectly right way and she loved me back. It was so good that I could just reach out and wrap my arm around her tiny little waist and rub my hand against the small of her back.

Because it wasn't wrong to want her closer now. Just not too close, but I could deal with that. I could deal with that forever, if I had to.

"Are you sleepy?" She did look tired and a nap snuggled up against my Nessie before we went out on our very first date didn't seem like such a bad idea at all. "Do you want to take a nap before we go out?"

Nessie's wide eyes wandered up to my face and one of her hands came up to slide her fingers just along the place on my neck where my t-shirt ended. Damn.

"I'm not sleepy," she said, but she pressed herself a little bit closer into me anyway. "But we can stay here for awhile."

I'm in no rush, Nessie, baby. I'll stay here forever if it's what you want and not complain a bit.

I nodded and Nessie leaned her head back into my arm, pressing her face into my chest. Her fingers still playing along the skin just above my shirt neck. It felt so damn good.

And that's when I felt it open.

The connection between us . . . gapped, almost, opening just a little. Just enough for me to see my girl's thoughts. Just enough to see my girl wishing for her family. Then I felt her get anxious.

I watched every piece of clothing she had with us flip through her mind and watched each get dismissed. I knew Nessie wasn't showing me intentionally, that she hadn't noticed the connection was open but I couldn't stop her. I just had to see.

I felt her . . . desire to look good, to want to dress up for me. And then I felt her wish to go shopping.

My Nessie would never want for anything. As of last night, that shit became a Black family rule.

"Done," I announced, not even thinking, and the little jump Nessie gave in my arms told me I had startled her.

She looked up at me with those eyes that still made me melt every time. "What?"

"We'll go shopping." We'll go to the moon, Nessie, if you just wanted to see what it looked like.

The cutest dumbfounded look passed over Nessie's face and she opened and closed her mouth for a minute. I knew when she got it because her cheeks flushed pink and her eyes went shy.

She was so damn gorgeous.

"No, Jake, don't worry about it." She shook her head into my chest like it was going to convince me. "I'm just letting my thoughts wander. I - don't worry about it."

"No, Nessie." I held her a little tighter. I'll never not worry about you. "We'll go. I want tonight to be as perfect as possible for you."

I wanted to kiss her again. So, so bad - but I'd already done enough of that for today. Definitely. I couldn't be constantly on her all the time - I had to take this easy.

I couldn't have her mouth, so I settled for a kiss on her soft forehead.

"I'm sorry Bella isn't here, or the rest of your family," I told her, because I didn't want her thinking I didn't recognize what she was suffering too.

In a way, what she was going through was worse than what I was. I was used to being on my own - I'd spent months as a wolf, without anyone except the occasional intruder in my head that I was pretty much able to ignore.

But Nessie - she's never been away from her family. She's only been with them seven short years and she hadn't spent more than a day away from any of them. And definitely not all of them at once - it was only natural she should miss them. I was an idiot for not noticing sooner. I'd been so wrapped up in my own shit -

"I know why my family isn't here, and I know there's a good reason," she told me firmly, kinda taking me back a little. "And I don't need to go shopping, I don't want to be a burden, I just want to spend time with you. Whenever, wherever."

My heart did a little jump in my chest. It wanted to leap when at Nessie's love for me but it sunk at the word 'burden'. She didn't think she was a burden, did she? How could she possibly even think that?

"You are not a burden." I tried to keep the Alpha out of my tone but it crept in anyway. Nessie gave a small groan. "And I know you don't care, but this is obviously something that would make you happy, and I want to do this right."

I have to do this right.

Nessie closed her eyes for a second, and when she opened them again her face was a lot . . . softer.

"I don't want you to feel like you have to dress up for me," I told her, my voice coming out low and weird and Nessie's cheeks got darker. "You could be in a trash bag for all I care, but you . . . just come on, Ness, don't make this harder than it has to be."

It was absolutely and utterly disgusting that the idea of Nessie wrapped in only a trash bag was appealing to me.

I got up off the bed and pulled Nessie up with me. I didn't want to be any farther away from her warm body than I had to, but I was just glad she let me, She was trying to act like she was annoyed, but the corners of her lips kept turning down.

Her pretty pink lips. When would I get to kiss them again?

I couldn't help but smile back as I watched Nessie pull her shoes on. I even whistled a little, but that was mostly to try and force the image of Nessie bending over to tie her shoes out of my brain.

I drove back out towards the highway since I'd thought I'd seen a sign advertising a shopping center. After about ten minutes, we found a small little center with a few shops in it.

I nodded my head to the building, slowing down so Nessie could catch a look.

"Is this okay?" Because I'll drive you to the fucking Mall of America if it's not.

Nessie rolled her eyes at me, but she was still smiling when she told me it was fine.

I parked and up front and got out. I was walking around to Nessie's door to open it for her, but she had already hopped out at damn lightening speed. The little smirk on her lips told me she'd done it on purpose. I don't know why she was so weird about stuff like that. I rolled my eyes at her and her smirk got a little bigger.

We went into the first shop and I immediately felt a little lost. There were slinky, strappy things everywhere. Shoes and skirts and panties and bras and high heels and things I didn't even recognize. I hope Nessie could navigate this shit better than me - seven years with Alice should have taught her something.

Nessie turned to me.

"But you're not supposed to see the clothes. That negates the whole point of buying a new outfit." She shot me a challenging look. "So what're you gonna do?"

The idea came to me almost instantly. And it was a win-win.

I could give Nessie what she wanted, and irritate her at the same time.

I shut my eyes, turned around, and grabbed Nessie's hand. Why turned around, you ask, if my eyes were already shut.

"Lead me."

"You've got to be kidding me, Jake."

That's why.

"Nope." I could barely keep from grinning. "You're right, I shouldn't see. And I can't leave you alone, so . . . . "

Get to shopping, babe.

"Stop being stupid." I didn't even need my eyes open to know she wasn't really mad. "Just open your eyes and come on."

"Na-uh, Ness." I shook her hand to hurry her up. She wasn't winning this one. "You were right. Now go find your clothes."

I obviously couldn't see, but I would be willing to bet just about everything except Ness that she rolled her eyes just then. But she started walking, and pulled me with her.

Jake one, Nessie nine hundred sixty-seven.

Hey - I take what I can get.

It went on like this for awhile. I guess Nessie was looking at clothes, because I heard stuff moving and every once and awhile Nessie dragged me a few more steps. I entertained myself by imagining what Nessie would look like in some of the stringy stuff I saw when we first walked in.

Sometime during this, I smelled a human scent get closer and then heard who I reckon was the shop girl ask Nessie if she needed any help finding anything.

"Yeah, I'm not really good at this kind of stuff."

I couldn't help but smile. She was so damn cute. Didn't she know she could buy the ugliest damn thing in here and walk out looking like the sexiest girl on the planet?

"Okay, sure," I heard the girl say. "What are you looking for?"

"I'm not sure. I need something cute to wear . . . out."

My grin got wider.

"Like to a club?"

"Oh, no." I could hear the nervousness in Nessie's voice and a chuckle got out. I tried to imagine Nessie in a club. "Just like, out to eat and to the movies."

"Oh, that should be easy." Of course it should be - you see her, don't you? "Are you looking for a top or a dress . . . ?"

Now Jake was about to get some visuals.

"A top, I think."

Now, was that stringy thing a top? Or a bottom? Not sure exactly how you'd wear it if it was either, but still.

And as much as I was having fun in my head imagining Nessie in that thing, there was no way in hell I was taking her to the movies wearing it if she somehow by some shot in hell did manage to buy it.

But I knew my Nessie, and she wouldn't do that.

"Any particular color?"

"I like green." No, I like green. My stomach tightened at the thought of her thinking about that kind of stuff. "But I don't really care."

"Green is pretty with your skin." Everything is pretty with her skin - are you blind? "Purple would be too. And blue. I wouldn't do too much red though, so it doesn't detract from your hair." Nessie could wear a tomato bottle costume and still look better than you, lady, so watch it. "It's really pretty, by the way."

Of course it is.

Nessie thanked her, because she was the sweetest thing ever.

"Is it natural?"

Again - of course it is. Nessie was quiet for a second before she answered. It probably took her a second to get it - she wasn't into all that cosmetic, girly stuff.

And like any dye on this earth could make her hair look better than it did now.

"Ugh, I'm jealous." You should be. "Here, try these."

Nessie started to walk away, still guiding me by the hand.

"Is he okay, or . . . ?"

Never been better.

"He's not allowed to look," I heard Nessie explain, and could practically feel her cheeks getting hot. "And he won't leave me alone for more than five minutes, so . . . "

I couldn't let that pass, so I reached down and wrapped my arm tight around Nessie's waist, pulling her a little closer. Just a little.

"Look at here: would you leave her alone?"

Not saying you swing that way, but a blind man could appreciate the beauty that is Nessie.

"Aw, that's so sweet," she said finally, and Nessie's face was seriously radiating heat at this point. I loved it. "I hope you're planning on leaving her along to change, though."

I gave a loud, disappointed, dramatic sigh to cover up the sound of my heart thrumming loud as hell at the thought of not leaving Nessie alone to change.

"I guess so." But I really, really don't want to.

Nessie pulled me a few more steps and then told me to open my eyes. "All the clothes are hidden."

I peeked one eye open and then the other, keeping with the joke, and Nessie laughed at me. Damn, I loved her laugh. I kinda stared at Nessie like an idiot for a second before I noticed the salesgirl in the corner of my eye.

"Hi," I told her, since I didn't feel like being rude. And she was helping Nessie, even if she wasn't smart enough to know that all colors looked amazing on my girl.

"Hi," she said back, looking confused.

I liked confusing people, but then I always judged them for it. Oh, well.

"I'm going to try on my clothes now," Nessie told me slowly, her eyes wide like she was talking to a child. Teasing me. My mind was too full of the image of Nessie changing now to do anything but play along. I settled into a chair, sitting on my hands. My girl rolled her eyes. "Whatever, Jake. I'll be out in a minute."

The salesgirl asked if Nessie wanted her to stay and Nessie said yes. She came to stand beside where I was sitting and was silent while she waited for Nessie to call her. Me? I was just trying to keep my mind on other things besides the sound of clothes hitting the floor in the the dressing room. Of what Nessie probably looked like in that dressing room right now, half-undressed.

Fuck. Now was not the time or place for this.

The girl was really friendly, talking with Nessie and giving her opinion on each thing she tried on, even though I didn't get to see any of it. It weirded me out a little to hear her calling my Nessie Vanessa, though.

Finally, the girl came back from the dressing room and this time instead of just standing quietly beside me, instructed me to close my eyes. Guess Nessie was coming out now. Yes.

I opened my eyes when Nessie's warm hand slipped into mine, guessing the clothes were already gone. They were nowhere in sight, so I assumed I was right. I let Nessie lead me, eyes opened, to the shoe section. I closed my eyes when we got there though - I had committed to this bit; I wasn't stopping halfway through.

I smelled the human girl approach and heard some movement, but no voices. Maybe Nessie didn't need as much help with shoes. Nessie told me when I was clear to walk to the counter but I close my eyes again when I got there, pulling out my wallet and passing it to her.

Nessie paid for her stuff easy enough, which got me to wondering if she had ever had to pay for anything before. Probably not - she'd always been with one of us.

When she was done, she told me to open my eyes, but I shook my head no and took her hand. This was purely to irritate her, because like I said, I was committed.

"Are you planning on driving like that?" She asked me once we got to the car.

I decided I was done. I would have to open my eyes to drive, after all. I grinned at her and she smiled back. My stomach flipped.

Nessie let me help her into the car this time, and I was a good sport and didn't even try to peek into her bags as she got in although it was tempting.

"Got everything you need?" I asked as I started the car, before I pulled out.

"Oh, yes." Nessie looked down at her bags and kind of blushed. "Thank you, Jake."

"It's not even nothing, Nessie," I told her, but she didn't look like she believed me. I reached my hand out to her and she let go of her bags, dropping them into the floorboard, to take it. Damn. "Besides, it's your money anyway."

She pursed her lips and rolled her eyes at me, but the pink stayed on her cheeks.

She fell silent then, and I watched her out of the corner of my eye all the way back to the hotel. She was so damn gorgeous - it didn't matter what she bought, she was going to blow my mind. She couldn't help it.

Nessie shifted in her seat, leaning forward and towards me so she could tuck her feet up under her. Her chest just barely brushed across where my arm was resting between the seats to hold onto her hand but it was enough to coil my stomach into a tight spring.

I wasn't sure how I was going to survive the night.

I mean, damn. I was already kinda nervous - okay, now that I thought about it, nervous as hell. Just because I really, really wanted everything to go good tonight for Nessie. And my hormones were already freaking out now and she was just sitting next to me in jeans and a t-shirt.

I eyed the bag in the floorboard warily. For my mental and hormonal sanity, I hope it contained a mumu.

* * *

**Coming up:**

I mean, it was stupid because it was just my Ness. She took a shower every single day and I waited on her every single day just like I was doing now, but now it was different.

Seriously, what could she be doing?

Then I heard the bathroom door open. I felt the steam against my neck - then I felt the irrational surge of jealousy. Lucky steam - locked in the bathroom with Nessie that whole time.

Like I said, I had to have been losing it. That was the only explanation I had for sitting there, being jealous of fucking steam, while Nessie was coming out of the bathroom.


	22. Stupid Lucky Steam

**_A/N:_** Here's Jake's internal freak-out, the date. It was fun to write because now you get to see the depth of his nervousness that didn't get through in_ HoM_ since he's so guarded. I love writing Jake's mind. And I adore the ending. ;)

Also, I just thought I'd pimp out my new, still very confused blog **Alphas and Imprints**. Which you can find at blogspot under that same name - link's in my profile. It only has a welcome message and one rec on it so far. I'm starting slow for now with only one a week since I have a lot on my plate. But tell me how I did - I've never written a recommendation before. Also, if you'd 'follow' me, that'd be awesome.

And I'd just like to say, that while I'll of course keep with my schedule, I may be a bit behind on replying reviews. As you may or may not know, we are now in the third day of the holy month of Ramadan. It's a month in which all able, post-puberty Muslims fast from sunup to sundown, abstaining from food, drink, smoking and sexual contact so we're more able to appreciate what we have. It's also a time of togetherness and extra reflection and prayer.

It's a really wonderful time and I'm of course excited about it, but I just thought I'd give you a heads up so people don't get upset if I don't reply all reviews right away like usual. So I leave you with your chapter and wishes that you have a very happy Ramadan, even if all/most of you don't particularly care. May you all be grateful for what you have, since we have so much even when it seems like we don't.

Ramadan Kareem!

**_Disclaimer:_** Don't own a thing except that long 'old author's note right there. And yes, I just copy and pasted that entire thing from_ HoM_. ;)

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Stupid Lucky Steam

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**

_and you're just the girl all the boys wanna dance with  
and i'm just the boy who's had too many chances_

_- fall out boy, a little less sixteen candles, a little more "touch me"_

_-_

Nessie ran straight to the bathroom to get ready when we got back to the hotel, and that left me with nothing to do except sit in my own head. Which was never good.

I wasn't sure what I was even supposed to do. How did guys get ready for dates? Moreover, how did a twenty-four year old werewolf get ready for a first date with his seven year old half-vampire soul mate?

But that just sounded weird.

Either way, I was lost.

I mean, I wanted to look good for Nessie. Of course I did, as stupid as that sounded, even in my head. Nessie wasn't vain and - I mean, I know she obviously likes the way I look or she wouldn't even - but still. It was all just confusing and weird.

I thought about changing, but I was already my nicest jeans and Nessie had made it clear this was her favorite shirt on me. I felt kind of dumb though - Nessie had gone shopping and bought an entire new outfit just because she wanted to impress me and I didn't even change my clothes.

Way to be a good imprint, Jake.

I sat on the edge of the bed uselessly for a few minutes and listened to the shower run, but that wasn't helping anything. I didn't need to get all worked up before Nessie came out and I had to act like a normal person that wasn't chock-full of crazy wolf hormones.

I decided I ought to at least pull my hair back. I hadn't done it this morning because I phased - but I pushed that thought away before it could take over. I had lost entirely too many hair-ties to not know that it wasn't a good idea to wear them when phasing by now. They went flying off and you could never find them after.

Anyway, the point was, my hair was all in my face like a girl and I didn't need to be going out with Nessie looking like that. I looked for the brush, so I could at least feel like I had made a little effort, but I think Nessie had it so I just settled for using my fingers like always.

I sat down on the chair, then moved to the bed, then went back to the chair again. I couldn't fucking sit still. The shower had cut off a while ago and Nessie was usually out a few minutes after that, but not this time. My leg wouldn't stop bouncing.

I took my hair out and redid it a few times. I was fucking losing it.

I moved back to the bed so I wasn't staring at the closed bathroom door.

Where was she?

I mean, it was stupid because it was just my Ness. She took a shower every single day and I waited on her every single day just like I was doing now, but now it was different.

Seriously, what could she be doing?

Then I heard the bathroom door open. I felt the steam against my neck - then I felt the irrational surge of jealousy. Lucky steam - locked in the bathroom with Nessie that whole time.

Like I said, I had to have been losing it. That was the only explanation I had for sitting there, being jealous of fucking steam, while Nessie was coming out of the bathroom.

But I still didn't move.

I smelled her, warm and sweet and close, and my body reacted. Just how it did whenever I sensed her, urging me towards her, closer. I heard her heart speed up.

Was she nervous too? Why?

Then two tiny feet, encased in black heels, stepped right onto the spot on the carpet that my eyes were stuck on. My eyes shot up to Nessie's face for about half a second before they fell back down to her feet.

I worked my way back up, taking in her legs. Damn, her legs in those jeans. They were the some of the Wal-Mart ones, and I knew them well. I was sure they were tighter than the rest of them, but that could just be my sick head.

I followed her legs up, all the way up to her hips. They swelled out, perfectly rounded and amazing, her black top not interrupting the line of them but just drawing my eyes further upwards.

That was definitely new. It was tight and black and shiny, clinging to her body, her hips, her flat stomach, her . . . her breasts.

I about bit my tongue. Because in all the things I had seen Nessie in, all the outfits Alice has shoved her into - skirts, pants, dresses, tops, Edward had still had his say and I had never seen what I was seeing now.

Fucking cleavage.

Her breasts, rounded and perfect and pale white like the rest of her, just barely pushing out of the neckline of her top like it was too small to contain them.

It wasn't a lot; it definitely wasn't obscene or even inappropriate. It probably could have even been considered conservative, but it was enough to drive me bat-shit crazy.

I forced my eyes up more, up the line of her neck and to her face. Her hair was kinda up, but not all the way. The front was pulled back, but the rest hung around her shoulders and down her back. The curls clinging perfectly to her perfect body. Damn gorgeous.

And her lips? They were fucking glistening.

When the immediate urge to jump up and crush her into my arms crossed me, I realized I was still sitting there staring at her like an idiot. So I stood up.

I was immediately towering over her. She hadn't seemed so small from the bed.

Nessie's cheeks went pink and I realized I was probably embarrassing her. I had to say something. I had to somehow express to her how amazingly, perfectly, mouth-wateringly gorgeous she was right now.

"Um . . . you, I . . . . " Damn it. "You look - that's really - wow."

Great, Jake. Way to be eloquent. Not that I disagreed with 'wow', but I'm sure that could have been said better.

But she laughed a little, which was enough for me. I tried not to notice how the movement made certain parts of her . . . shake.

I couldn't keep my eyes off of her. Seriously. It was like a compulsion. I had never seen her like this.

"Is that a . . . good wow?" She asked, a little shyly.

"Yeah. " I couldn't help but reach out and touch a curl that hung just over her shoulder. Trailing towards the part of her I was trying my hardest to keep my eyes away from. "A really good wow."

A pretty fucking amazing wow.

"Oh," Nessie said, blushing again but it was different. "Thanks then. Are . . . are you ready?"

I'm ready, but not to leave.

"Sure, sure," I said instead, flitting my eyes down to wear her lips were _shining_. Why in the hell were they shining like that? "I, uh - I was gonna change, but - you like this shirt best, right?"

Nessie nodded, the corners of her shining lips tugging down. I turned to get the car keys while Nessie grabbed the black bag. It felt like heresy to take my eyes off of her, and I got them right back to where they belonged the second the opportunity presented itself.

I wanted to wrap my arm around her, pull her close into my side like I always did and feel her up against me but I couldn't. Not right now. Because if I wrapped my arm around her now, my arm would be resting against soft swell of her breast, bare from the low neck of her top.

And I couldn't do that and trust myself to behave. So I just took her hand.

I couldn't think of anything besides how amazing Nessie looked and how, impossibly, she was all mine as we drove around, looking for somewhere to eat. I was looking for somewhere a little nicer - it was Nessie's first date, after all - but Nessie shook my hand to get my attention and pointed towards what was very obviously a Mexican restaurant.

My heart swelled, because I knew Nessie didn't care too much for Mexican food. But I did and had been complaining about wanting some a few days back. When I asked if she was sure, though, she assured me that she was so I pulled in.

The place was kinda cool, although I only half took it in, one of my eyes perpetually on Nessie. It was a little crowded and loud, but it was completely booths. Good. I didn't want to sit in some table out in the middle of the floor with no privacy.

I'd been out with Nessie before, out to eat definitely, especially since we'd been "on the run" but now it felt different. I'd always thought of Nessie as mine, even for those horrible weeks when I should have admitted to myself that she wasn't, but now it felt so much more. . . real. Cemented. Like everyone else could see it.

We looked and acted no different than how we did before, not in front of people at least, but I felt like everyone could tell. They all knew she was mine. Good.

A waiter led us to our table, read us the specials and took our drink orders. Nessie watched the guy leave and then turned back to me, her eyes shy. I didn't want to her to be nervous, even though I was too for no good reason.

Time to man up.

"I know I kind of told you earlier," I forced myself to say, pushing the weird stuff away. This was Nessie, this was my girl. "But I was kind of nervous, and it didn't come out right, but . . . you look really beautiful, Nessie."

There. At least now she knew.

"Thank you, Jake." Nessie's cheeks flushed pink. I loved that I could make her do that. "You look very nice too."

I laughed a little even as her words warmed me. I leaned back in my booth so I could stretch my long-ass legs out a little more and my stomach jumped like a nervous twelve-year-old when my shoe bumped hers.

"I'm in the same stuff from this morning."

Nessie's eyes watched my face for a second before she said, "Who said I was talking about clothes?"

My stomach twisted, in a good way this time. God.

"Really?"

"I like your hair like that," she said, her face getting pinker and the coil in my stomach got tighter. Yes, one more for Jake.

But -

"What, back?" She'd told me before she liked my hair long, but if she said it was better back - "Shouldn't I just cut it then?"

"No!" I was surprised at how fast she answered, how loud. She smiled nervously. "It's nice both ways, up and down, but I . . . I don't know, I like watching you put it back."

Whatever I had been expecting her to say, it wasn't that. Damn, girl.

I grinned and slipped one of my feet in between hers, trying to assure her that I didn't care. Well, I cared but not how she thought - I was . . . fucking flattered. Turned on. It definitely didn't bother me - I didn't want her to be shy to tell me things like that. To tell me anything, really.

I felt Nessie's legs slip behind mine and then cross her ankles, trapping my foot between hers. I didn't mind. I'd be Nessie's prisoner any day of the week.

The waiter came back with our drinks and those bowls of chips and salsa they give you before we could even open the menus. Nessie looked a little shy at that but I didn't care. If you had a girl like her in front of you, would you seriously be looking at the _menu_?

I didn't want my girl to be embarrassed though, so I stepped in for her and asked the guy what he thought was good. I realized I was really fucking hungry as the guy started talking - today had been a day, that was for sure.

And tomorrow was gonna be another one, but I wasn't thinking about that now.

I ordered enchiladas and Nessie got quesadillas. I decided once I heard her say it that I could do with some right about now, so I ordered those too. The guy looked at me like I was crazy but I was used to it - I looked at Nessie to see if I had embarrassed her, but she was grinning. She didn't care.

I seriously loved this girl.

I dug into the chips soon as the guy was gone, but Nessie just took one and nibbled at it, watching me eat.

"You're not hungry, Ness?" I asked her, knowing she was. She'd said so this morning - and that was this morning.

"Yeah, but I'll wait for the good."

"Don't worry about me, if that's why you're not eating." I'm not that stingy. "I'm not going to snap at you if you try to share with me."

And that's something, Ness, because I don't share food with anybody. Like Nessie had heard my thoughts, she turned pink. But we'd already established that she couldn't do that. Thank God.

"No, it's not that. I just don't like salsa that much." She smiled then, a little bit like this morning in the car and stomach clenched harder. "I'm enjoying watching you go at it though."

Not as much as I'm enjoying watching you just fucking sit there.

I rolled my eyes at her teasing and asked what movie she wanted to see.

"I don't care - I don't even know what's playing. Would it be the same as the other theater?"

"Are you gonna make me watch a chick flick?" I asked her playfully, thinking back to Sam not-really-complaining about Emily's love of sappy movies. I knew Nessie didn't like those kinds of movies, but I just wanted to play with her.

"A what?"

"A chick flick. You know, a girl movie." If we ever got back to Forks, I was making sure we took Nessie to a movie at least once a week. "All that romantic, lovey-dovey crap."

Which somehow now doesn't seem so crappy when it comes to you.

"Oh. No." She shook her head, a few curls shaking forward and falling across her chest. "We can see whatever, I don't care."

"I'm just playing with you, Ness, you know that?" I played Barbie for three months, I would watch a romance if Nessie wanted. "I'll watch whatever you want."

Or you can watch the romance and I'll watch you.

"I know that," she told me and I believed her. I got a little distracted as another curl fell down and brushed past her cleavage. Hell. "I - I was thinking a horror or a comedy."

"Cool." I reached across the table for her hand without thinking, and she let me pull her small hand into mine.

It was . . . different like this. I always held Nessie's hand, but not like this. It felt . . . good. A sign to every guy in here that she was mine. I ran my thumb across the back of her hand. Her skin was always so smooth.

"What about that werewolf movie?" I asked, half-joking.

"Sure," Nessie agreed, and took her hand out of mine.

I looked down at the loss of contact just in time to see her slide her fingers up my arm. I watched, intrigued, as she traced her fingernails up and down the inside of my forearm.

It felt very . . . intimate. The skin on the inside of my arm was more sensitive, I guess, because I felt the hair on my neck stand up, in a good way. She slid the nails of her first two fingers down to my wrist, tracing over the vein there.

The muscle in my forearm flexed involuntarily as she slid her nails gently back up. What was this girl doing to me?

"Did I hurt you?"

"No." As fuzzy as my head was right now, my pride couldn't let that one go. I had to scoff. "It - it just . . . tickles."

It didn't really, but I didn't know how to explain to her what she was really doing to me. And even if I could, I was pretty sure I wouldn't.

"Oh." Her hand, the soothing pattern she was making with her nails, slowed down. "I'll stop."

"Don't."

I'd said it before I could think and I felt my face heat up. Fucking blush like a girl. Sure, when Nessie did it, it was damn sexy and endearing and adorable but when guys did it they just looked like idiots.

It was quiet for awhile then, but it was comfortable. For me, at least.

"So, how's it going so far?" I asked a little while later, half-joking, half-not while Nessie continued tracing her nails over my skin. I could definitely get used to that.

"You tell me," she said back. "It's your first date too."

Damn straight it is.

"I'm with you, so naturally it's awesome." And I don't care if you know - I _want _you to know. "It's you I care about."

It's always you I care about.

"It's great, Jake." Yes. "It's a little . . . different, right? But fun though."

"Yeah, it is different, isn't it?" I knew exactly what she meant. "Every guy in here hates my guts right now." My sweet Nessie looked confused, so I added, "Because I'm with you."

"You're always with me."

Yeah, but now it feels different. I told her.

"Yeah. It does."

We talked like normal until two guys showed up to unload all of our food onto the table. I was starving, so it was great but it kinda sucked that I had to let go of Nessie's hand so there was room.

Nessie ate a good bit, but I wasn't surprised her tiny stomach couldn't hold that huge place of food. It wasn't a problem for me, since I couldn't even really remember the last time I ate - I ate both my plates and then hers.

Hindsight being twenty-twenty and all, I probably ate too much, but it was delicious. I realized that I may have overdone it a little when I finished off what was I think my fifth Coke and the food felt like it was trying to burst out of my stomach.

It was weird - my stomach looked exactly the same as before, still flat - no hint that there was about three pounds of Mexican food in there. No to mention the drinks . . .

I did my after-eating routine, which consisted of collapsing back against the booth and rubbing my stomach, groaning. Why mess with tradition?

"Poor baby." If that wasn't enough to make me forget about my full stomach, then the top of Nessie's tiny foot running up the back of my leg definitely was. "Did you eat too much?"

"Probably." But who gives a fuck now? "But it was worth it. I can't believe you didn't finish yours, Ness, it was good."

Watching you eat was better though.

"I'm about a fourth your size, so I guess I eat a fourth as much."

I smiled as she reminded me just how tiny she was.

I asked her if she was about ready to head out. "We didn't check the theater times."

"Sure, sure," she told me, and grinned.

I beckoned the guy over and paid him, leaving him a pretty good tip since he had to practically stand beside the table the whole time to keep refilling my drink. Nessie stood up when I did and she laughed at me when I reached over to take the last swallow of her tea.

I shrugged and told her we paid for it. My family was real big on getting our money's worth.

I tried not to think about how I didn't have a family anymore. I wouldn't do that now.

I held my hand out to Nessie and she took it, a little of the weight I didn't even notice was resting on my chest lifting. We skirted around a group of loudly chattering Spanish boys and were almost to the door when Nessie's hand slipped out of mine.

I turned around to see her kneeling down to pick the black purse up off the floor. She went down at the knees, not bending straight over, but she did have to lean forward a little and her top rode up in the back, exposing a few inches of creamy white skin.

I don't know why I looked up, away from Ness - wolf instincts, I guess - but my eyes flitted up to the group of guys we just passed.

And one of them wasn't facing his friends. He was facing my Ness, and his eyes were somewhere only _my _eyes belonged.

Rage sizzled under my skin as I watched his eyes run over _my _Nessie's hips, over the the exposed skin of _my _Nessie's back. Over the curve of _my _Nessie's ass.

Then he fucking _licked his lips_.

Oh, _fuck_ no.

* * *

**Coming up:**

I slid my hand up again.

Nessie started kissing me even harder than before, the smallest, hottest sounds coming from the back of her throat and not helping my self-control in the least. I wanted to put my hands on her ass so bad, use it to hold her tight against me.

That little fucker in there would never have my Nessie like this, not even close. He'd never even see her again. He would never kiss her sweet lips, run his hands along the curves of her body like I could.

Like I wanted to so bad right now. I slid my hand up even further and I got knocked off my guard. Fuck.


	23. Mine

**_A/N:_** Okay, I'm back! Firstly I'd like to continue my self-pimping and direct you all to **Alphas and Imprints**where I have implemented 'One-Shot Wednesdays', though as a warning, they may be bi-weekly at first. Also, a round of applause for the reviewers over at _HoM_ (basically you) for pushing it past 1,000 reviews! Yay!

Okay, so of course things are generally much more intense through Jake's eyes and this chapter is no exception. It's probably even stronger because of the struggle here - you get to see just how much Jake beat himself up over this. Once again, poor Jake.

But don't act like you don't like the territorial, Alpha stuff. (I know _I _do.)

**_Disclaimer: _**I'm just really disappointed in myself at how far my disclaimers have gone downhill since I started this. I used to be sharp. On point. *sigh* It's not mine.

**_

* * *

_**

Mine

* * *

_she says it all without a thought in her head  
she says it all and she's pressed up against me_

_- +44, when your heart stops beating_

_-_

Rage sizzled under my skin. The wolf rose up in me, impossible and strong and it was all I could to do hold it back.

I literally snarled, pushing forward into instinct. Barely holding the wolf back. Mine.

I felt satisfaction when I saw the fear light his eyes. He was nothing compared to me, even without my extra strength. I could tear him apart, limb from limb and I wouldn't even have to exert myself.

Nessie jumped up and spun around. I stepped in front of her, shielding her. Protecting her.

Mine.

Behind me, Nessie's heart was pounding. I wish it wouldn't - I wish she knew she was safe with me.

The boy started to back away then, fucking good for him, because I was inches from losing it and if he so much as looked cross-eyed at my girl, I was going to beat the shit out of him.

He was leaving with his tail between his legs and I still wanted to beat the shit out of him. I had to get out of here. I needed to get Nessie out of here.

I turned back around to where Nessie was staring up at me, beautiful as ever, with wide eyes. I gestured for her to walk and she obeyed me immediately, walking ahead of me quickly and out the door. And even through the blood pounding in my ears and the white rage behind my eyes, my stomach tightened at her obedience.

Her trust.

I followed closely behind her until we were outside and the door was shut behind us, so the bastard couldn't have got another look if he wanted. He was probably scared too shitless to even chance it, but I wouldn't put it past him.

I wrapped an arm tight around Nessie as soon as we were clear of the door, pulling her tight against me. It was a testament to how fucking pissed and territorial I was feeling that the feel of her breast pressed against my arm wasn't sending me over the edge.

"What's wrong, Jake?" Nessie's worried voice asked quietly, gazing up at me again. "What happened?"

Another growl rumbled in my chest as I remembered how that asshole's eyes had roamed my Nessie's body. And my Nessie, so sweet and innocent, didn't even catch it.

"That - that - " That asshole. That piece of shit. That goddamn mother-fucker. "People need to learn to keep their eyes to themselves."

Nessie was quiet for a second as we walked, but she gasped right when we got to the car and I knew she got it.

"It's okay, Jacob," she said soothingly once we stopped in front of the car on her side. "I - I'm sorry if, if I shouldn't have - "

I was incredulous. Was she actually apologizing for being beautiful? Or for what, dropping her bag? The nerve of her, dropping her purse and bending over to get it when there were perverted guys behind her salivating to get a look.

"How many times do I have to tell you, Nessie?" I let her go so I could face her. "It's not your fault. You can't help being perfectly, amazingly gorgeous."

Her cheeks flushed amazingly. I reached forward and slid my fingers into the curls by her ear, stroking her cheek with my thumb. So fucking beautiful.

"And I know I . . . I look at you and thing the same things, so it's not exactly fair getting pissed over it." Except I would never hurt you. Except I don't just want your body, Nessie, as amazing as it is. I want all of it. "It's different, though, because I love you." More than anything. "And I know this sounds ridiculously Alpha and caveman, but . . . you're mine, Nessie."

The wolf, already in the forefront of my mind, was pushing me now. It was the largest presence in my head, more prominent than everything except Nessie. And to have already said it, out loud like that, told her. Claimed her.

Mine.

But my body was telling me that I needed to stake another claim. One that I couldn't, not now, not yet.

It was so hard though. So hard when Nessie was looking at me like that, so beautiful and young and sweet and _mine. _

I dipped my head, just trying to get a little closer. I always needed to be just a little closer.

Without my full permission, my body shifted. Nessie's accommodated, moving with me, around me instinctively. Until Nessie was against the side of the car.

I definitely didn't have control of my feet when they stepped another step closer, until I was pressed flush against Nessie's body. Nessie's warm, soft body.

I wrapped my other hand around her waist, needing to hold her. I needed to close her in my arms, feel her, possess her. Nessie's fingers came up and gripped the front of my t-shirt, but she wasn't pushing me away, of that I was certain.

I bent my knees, dipping down further until I could press my cheek against Nessie much softer one. Her body felt like it was . . . straining. Towards mine?

"You're mine up until you don't want to be."

Nessie let out a long, panting breath. Her chest, her beautiful breasts heaved with it and I felt them brush my chest. The wolf in me growled quietly.

But that was nothing compared with her words.

"I'm yours, Jacob," she panted against my ear. "I'm only yours."

The wolf roared.

My body's reaction was immediate and strong. Mine.

Mine. Mine, mine, mine, _fucking _mine.

And Nessie wanted it that way.

I had to see her. I pulled back slow, because I had to force myself to move slowly because if I didn't I was going to break and lose it and lift her up onto the hood of the car and -

My nose brushed past hers when I pulled back and there was no doubt about it, Nessie's body was definitely straining. Towards me, because she was mine.

But I had to be sure.

The wolf inside me, taking over more control than it ever had since all this started, wouldn't let me ask. But I couldn't just take - take from Nessie without being sure.

"I - I need to kiss you," I told her and was surprised to feel her weight give, just a little. My hands on her kept her up at my level.

My pulse was freaking out as I waited for her reaction. Please don't let her push me away.

"What you need to do - " What? I'll do anything. Anything for you, Nessie, baby. "Is stop asking and do it already."

I had to take a second, close my eyes and assure that this was all real. That those words, that invitation had just come out of my Nessie's mouth.

And the next second I was kissing her.

I had never kissed Nessie like this before. I had never kissed anyone like this before. Fierce and hard and fast, pure love and lust and possession. Mine.

It was the mantra in my head, beating in my pulse, pounding with the lust that had replaced the rage in my stomach. Mine.

Nessie kissed me back, matching everything I was giving her, her tiny arms reaching around my shoulders to pull me even closer against her. My girl wanted me closer, closer she would get.

I took the hand that was in her sweet curls and brought it down to her waist, parallel with my other hand. Nessie gasped into our kiss when I lifted her so we were level and I could straighten out my knees, pressing her back against the side of the car. Holding her up with my body.

I reached my tongue out to brush Nessie's soft bottom lip and I was jolted. Her lips - were sweet. They were always sweet, always tasted amazing, but now they were sweet like fucking sugar. Like goddamn bubblegum.

Nessie's lips fell apart as I tasted her lip again, trying to figure out what the hell was going on with her mouth. When the fuck had she had candy?

Nessie fucking _moaned _into my mouth when my tongue came into contact with hers, if that alone wasn't enough to do me in. I wanted to slide my hands down, wrap my fingers around her amazing hips. I wanted to feel her ass, grab her thigh and hook it over my hip so I could be even closer to her.

I fought the urge and slid my hand up.

I was focused on the amazingness that was Nessie's mouth against mine, sweet and hot and wet and mine until Nessie's fingers moving up into my hair pulled me down a little.

I was shocked and . . . turned on as hell when Nessie fucking snatched my ponytail out.

I couldn't hold it back anymore - I moaned loudly into Nessie's mouth as she thrust her fingers into my hair, her nails scratching my scalp slightly. She used her fingers in my hair to pull me closer, deepening the already deep kiss.

Damn, girl.

On impulse, I nipped Nessie's bottom lip tightly with my teeth and she gasped loud into my mouth. I had taken care not to be rough but there was no such thing as too careful with my Ness so I caught her sweet bottom lip between mine and ran my tongue over the place my teeth had been.

Fixing the hurt. Just like I always would.

Nessie's legs lifted, just the smallest bit, and slid around the side of mine. It was so hard now - too tempting, almost like an invitation. I could wrap her legs so tight around my waist and press my hips into the warm place between her legs . . .

I slid my hand up again.

Nessie started kissing me even harder than before, the smallest, hottest sounds coming from the back of her throat and not helping my self-control in the least. I wanted to put hands on her ass so bad, use it to hold her tight against me.

That little fucker in there would never have my Nessie like this, not even close. He'd never even see her again. He would never kiss her sweet lips, run his hands along the curves of her body like I could.

Like I wanted to so bad right now. I slid my hand up even further and I got knocked off my guard. Fuck.

Because the very tips of my fingers were resting on a soft swell. The soft swell of Nessie's breast.

Then Nessie sighed, the sexiest sound, lust roared in my head and it knocked whatever guard I may have had down completely. Nessie was mine. She was sighing into _my _mouth; she wanted this.

Before I could even think, my hand was on her breast. Her soft, round, perfect breast. Double-fucking fuck.

And then I smelled her. Her arousal.

It had been there, with every kiss, every touch but underlying. It had been manageable, a pleasurable twist on her usual scent, but this was like that first day in the hotel when she'd parted her legs getting off the bed, undiluted, unhindered.

Desire.

Her scent was assaulting my senses, soaking into my head and slowly taking over. My mate needed me, in the basest, most primal way and I wanted to give myself to her. Give her everything she needed.

It was too much - her scent and . . . her breast felt so good in my hand, like it belonged there. My hand easily covered it entirely and my stomach tightened even more as my thumb and finger touched her bare skin, where her top didn't reach. So soft.

I had never done this before, with Bella or anyone else. This was completely new territory but instincts were still thrusting me forward, telling me what to do. Or what my body wanted me to do, at least.

I listened and squeezed the softness in my hand gently. Oh, _fuck_.

Nessie moved in my arms, her lips becoming more frantic against mine and once of her hands disappearing from my hair and coming down over mine. Over the hand on her breast, threading her fingers through the spaces in mine.

For one exhilarating, amazing second I misunderstood, gripped her harder like I thought she wanted and mistook the sound she made in my mouth for a moan of pleasure before it crashed on me.

It was like ice water coming down over my head, pouring into my skull and bleaching the wolf straight out until all there was left was Jake.

Jake, who had his Nessie pressed up against the car, _groping _her. Groping her while she was trying to get away.

I flew back from Nessie, leaving her body completely. Her lips, her warmth, her embrace - I just jumped back. Two, three, four steps back. Away. Away so I couldn't do anything more than the horribleness that I had just done. I turned my back - I couldn't bare and didn't deserve to even look at her.

Oh, God. Fuck. Shit. Damn.

I buried my face in my hands and tried to understand how in the hell I had just done what I had. How in the hell could I have done that? Touched her liked that? I swore I would take it slow - I swore I would never make her push me away.

A knife twisted in my gut and I bit back bile.

How could I have done this to my girl? She was so sweet, so young, so innocent. She didn't understand shit like this. Shit like how all I ever wanted to do almost all the time was strip her down and kiss every inch of her body, show her physically just how much I loved and wanted and needed her.

She didn't even understand how seriously her beauty affected other men, let alone me. And I had staked my claim on her like a fucking dog would a piece of meat and held her up against the side of a car outside a restaurant, a fucking public place, and groped her.

What in the hell was wrong with me?

"Jacob, I'm sorry." What the - "I - I didn't mean to - "

"You're - you're _sorry_?" For what? For not just laying there and let me have my way with you against the side of the car like a piece of trash? For freaking out when someone you thought you could trust took advantage of your innocence and trust? "I - I do the most - the most despicable - take advantage of you - "

I shouldn't have turned around, I really shouldn't have. She was so beautiful and I felt like a bastard for even noticing. I hated myself.

"Take advantage of me?" Why did she sound so surprised? What the hell else had I done? "You - you didn't - I _wanted_ - "

I didn't know what Nessie was going to say with the word _wanted_ but it couldn't have been that she wanted me to touch her like that. Why would she?

"I'm so sorry, Nessie." I swear to God I am. I'll never touch you again if that's what you want. I'll spend the rest of my life begging you to forgive me. "Please don't - don't hate me, I swear it'll never happen again - "

"No!" My stomach ripped apart again. I don't know why Nessie stepped towards me, but I stepped back. I didn't deserve to be close to her. I couldn't be trusted to be closer to her. She held her hand out to me, palm up. "Here, just - just come here, Jake - let me show you."

She - she wanted to touch me? To share her gift with me? Still? How could she even look at me?

Nessie raised her eyebrows a little and waggled her fingers at me, beckoning me forward. For whatever reason, Nessie wanted to show me something. And what Nessie wanted -

I stepped forward just enough for Nessie to reach me and she strained up to press her palm to my cheek. She cupped my face gently, like I was something breakable and not an animal who had just practically humped her.

I felt the connection open between us and a rush of love, overpowering and overwhelming. I'd felt it before - Nessie's love for me - but it was still amazing, and I think it was different now. Images and memories flashed through my mind, too fast for me to keep up but it was obvious they were just random memories of me and Nessie. Playing, joking, relaxing, being.

Then there was a flicker, where the pictures stopped for about half a second in which Nessie's breath hitched from below me me and then they started back up again. But they were different.

I saw myself pressing Nessie into the hood of the rabbit, my lips at her neck and my hands on her thighs, surprised not only at the memory that I didn't remember but also when it dissipated into a much brighter scene. I - Nessie, I guess - was then gazing up at me as I stood over the bed.

I felt lust - for myself, which was freaky - and confusion, because while I, Jake, recognized it, Nessie hadn't.

It took my brain a second to remember, flip the scene back to how it had been in my memory. The morning Nessie had had her nightmare about me - it hadn't been a nightmare at all. She'd been - dreaming about me.

I barely had time to process this because the images just kept coming.

She showed me what could only have been dreams, because they were definitely things I had never experienced. Me kissing down Nessie's neck in the sand at First Beach. Me sliding my hands up her thighs and leaning over her as she laid back on my bed. Me, rolling her under me, pinning her the ground of the forest floor where we always wrestled except this time we weren't wrestling.

She gave me snippets, little pieces of each one, a few seconds each. Her dreams, her fantasies - but they were so innocent. I never even kissed her lips, in any of them. Not once.

Then she showed me what must have been memories. She showed me myself doing things I couldn't even place or remember. Pulling my hair back as we got ready to race, sliding my shirt back over my head after phasing, stretching, drinking her tea.

But they all had one common denominator - the lust she felt when she saw me do them. Those were . . . the things Nessie liked about me, the things she was - attracted to.

Lust twisted in my own stomach, but it wasn't from Nessie's gift. I fought to keep my hands at my sides - why was she showing me this?

Then I felt my stomach jump when a hot hand touched my arm, Nessie's arm, how she felt when I touched her. I saw myself smile and felt happiness and attraction. I felt how she felt when she thought about me, an urge it created that made her hand ache to wander down between her thighs.

Fuck. I balled my hands into fists, my nails breaking the skin of my palms and then healing almost instantly.

I felt our kisses, from Nessie's side, amazing and just as perfect as it was for me although it was pretty strange to feel attraction for yourself. I felt how she wanted, needed something but didn't know what it was. Only that I was the one that could give it to her. Only me.

Lust coiled in my stomach, ready to spring and I pushed it down. Not again.

Then I felt myself pressed against a car, looking up at my own face. I heard my own words, what I had said, again. Mine.

And I felt the pride and pleasure and . . . lust it unravelled in her when I had done that. Really?

She lingered on details as she played out the rest of our short encounter against the car for me. I didn't want to see it - I didn't want to see what I had done to her, how she had felt when I abused her trust, but I knew I deserved to.

And it was sick because all I was focusing on was how amazed I was by how good it felt for her, how . . . turned on she was. I had smelled it - of course I had - but it was different _feeling _it.

I waited, blood pounding in my ears, as I felt my hand creep slowly up Nessie's waist, waited for the love and enjoyment to turn to disgust and fear. But it never did. I felt the lust roar up, so strong and powerful that it spilled over into me and I had to fight the urge to snatch her up into my arms.

I felt the loss and confusion when I left her and then it stopped. Nessie dropped her hand. I refocused my gaze on her face, feeling a hundred times better but not completely consoled.

So . . . she wasn't trying to push me away. She didn't hate me. She wasn't disgusted.

I was still wrong, completely. I shouldn't have even attempted to touch her like that, not yet. Not when this time last night, I was mourning my dead father and neither of us even knew how the other felt.

Nessie had just had her first kiss last night. She had given that to me. I had no right to expect more from her so soon, or ever, let alone take it. These were the kinds of things we had to talk about - it was just all happening so soon . . . .

I came back to the present to see Nessie's face crumbling, her beautiful eyes filling up with tears. Why? Did she think - what, that I had a problem with it? Or was she just frustrated?

I'd spent her entire life comforting Nessie without kissing her, but now words wouldn't come and I didn't think I could take her in my arms and it was the only solution in my head.

And as fucked up as it sounds when I had almost just messed everything up, I needed it too.

I leaned down, making sure not to touch any part of her because I didn't trust myself, and kissed her. Lips closed. I pulled back before my body could get anymore smart ideas.

Nessie . . .wanted me. Like that. I mean, I knew she had been experiencing lust, but that was just a part of growing up. And she was still so young, I didn't expect it to be so . . . advanced. So detailed. Had I been like that?

"I - I didn't know." That was the only thing I could think of to say and it was the truth. "I had no idea. I thought - I mean, I guessed, but - "

"Had no idea what?" Her voice was quiet, but worried. "Isn't that how . . . how people feel about the people they love?"

"Yes." She made it sound so simple, so innocent. Why wasn't my love so simple? "Yes, Nessie, but I just - you're just so young . . . I didn't expect it to be that . . . that strong."

"We both know I'm not a normal seven year old."

All of us know, Nessie. Didn't you see that bastard back in there?

"That's not even what I meant. " It wasn't.

"What did you mean then?"

"Just that you're young - I mean, even if you were sixteen, what we - what I just did would be illegal."

Molestation of a minor, actually. If you wanted to get technical.

"I don't care about illegal, Jake." Nessie's eyes bore into me, soft and honest and full of love. "Would it be wrong?"

No. Yes. No.

"I - I don't know."

Nessie just looked at me for awhile before she asked, "Did it feel wrong?"

No.

"No." Nessie stepped forward and I let her, didn't step back. It was okay, I was forgiven even if I was wrong - it had been a misunderstanding. I reached for her hand and she gave it to me. "But Ness, I still really shouldn't have done that. It was - it was too fast for you."

"Can't I decide what's too fast for me?"

"You're - you're a teenager," I told her after I thought for a second. "Your hormones are . . . weird right now, and I don't want you to do something you'd regret.

I saw something settle into Nessie's eyes and I felt like I could feel love coming from her even though she wasn't using her gift.

"I would never regret you."

Damn, honey. I would never regret you either, but I would definitely regret hurting you.

"It's just, think about it like this: this time yesterday we didn't even know how we felt about each other." This time yesterday, I was sobbing into your neck. "We have forever, Nessie. Literally."

Longer than forever, if you want.

For a second, Nessie looked like a little girl again. "But forever seems so far away."

The next thing I knew, I was holding her. Hugging her. I couldn't help it - she was so innocent, so pure. Even her lust was pure, just an extension of her love. She was definitely grown, but she was still so, so young.

I rubbed her back, between her shoulder-blades, trying to sooth her.

"I know it does, Ness." And I already can't wait for every second of it. "But . . . but we do. We have forever to . . . to let you . . . enjoy yourself, to take things slow. You only get to do everything first once."

I already messed up a couple of yours and mine. Please give me the chance to make the rest of yours right.

"You sound like Dad," she said into my chest. Which was definitely something a guy could go without the love of his life telling him. But I knew what she meant.

"That's kind of gross," I told her anyway, trying to lighten the situation that I had thoroughly messed up and Nessie had thoroughly saved.

It worked, because laughed a little and shoved me in the chest.

"Don't worry, stupid, I definitely don't think of you how I think if Dad." Thank God, or we'd have more issues than we already do. "I thought I showed you that."

I forced down my body's reaction as I remembered what all she had shown me. I think I would need another shower soon if my brain was going to keep lingering on that.

"Yeah." She definitely showed me.

"Did - did I freak you out?"

"No." My Nessie was so sweet. Freak me out? If she only knew. "I - I liked it. It's . . . nice to know you think of me how I think of you."

Nice? Try amazing, fantastic. Fucking spectacular.

Nessie's warm eyes widened in surprise as she looked up at me. "You . . . think of me like that?"

And I knew she wasn't . . . disgusted or freaked out or angry. It was an amazing feeling.

"Of course I do, Nessie." Have you seen yourself lately? Did you miss that scene in the restaurant? "Let's go - we've been standing out here awhile."

And I use the term 'standing' very loosely.

I tugged on her hand and she submitted, letting me lead her the few feet back to the car, open her door and help her inside. Pick the black bag up off the ground and hand it to her.

I got in and cranked the car, remembering as we were pulling out that our original plans for the evening involved the movies. I asked her if she still wanted to go, which I doubted she did and she confirmed that, shaking her head.

"Let's go home," she said tiredly and my entire body stiffened.

I had been worried about this happening, about Nessie asking to return. I - we couldn't go back, of course not, couldn't do anything without clearance from the little pixie but it was gonna be hard as hell to deny her.

It was probably all this shit, getting to her and wearing her out. She needed her family with her. Shit, she need _girls_. Wasn't that supposed to be important, girly bonding and all?

I was still thinking of how to gently let her know that that was completely impossible, when she turned her head back to me with a tired smile.

"Anywhere you are is home, Jake."

Relief flooded my entire body as I realized what she'd meant. She just wanted to go back to the hotel - back home.

That girl called a fucking crummy-ass hotel home because I was there. Because she was with me.

Her home. Her shelter.

I wonder if she knew just how much she was my home too.

* * *

**Coming up:**

That was a double-whammy. I ruined two things at once with that one.

Not that I would ever, ever, ever change it for anything but before . . . us, I never imagined it would be like this. I imagined Nessie would develop feelings for me once she was older (and not fall in love with Seth), and then Edward would be helpful and give me a heads up or I'd find out some other way and come clean to her, and then we'd . . . be together.

I'd take her on dates or whatever she wanted and we'd be normal.

But instead I got it into my head that she loved my beta and then we were on the run from vampires who wanted to steal her away and I had to be on guard all the time and we couldn't even stay anywhere more than one night and then my fucking dad died and she had to comfort me while I had a complete mental breakdown and then and only then - after all of that, did it come out how we felt.

And then, when everything was supposed to be better, I went and screwed this up. Great, Jake.


	24. Soft is Good

**_A/N:_** I'm cool with this chapter, I guess. Jake usually seems to come out pretty all right. He talks and I type. We have a peaceful working relationship. :)

Um . . yeah, so that's about it. **Alpha and Imprints **has a couple of new recs up, link in my page and also on my page is the link to my twitter. I forgot to say this with _HoM_, but you should follow me if you've got one. I post little snippets from upcoming chapters when I'm bored, if you're interested. It's fun trying to find pieces that fit.

**_Disclaimer:_** I do not own anything, most especially not the excerpt from this amazing poem that I'm using here. It's belongs to Warsan Shire - please, look her up. She's amazing. She's got a MySpace, a twitter, and a blog - all under her name so it's real easy to find. Her MySpace has some _mind-blowin_g spoken word.

**_

* * *

_**

Soft is Good

* * *

_and you will love me  
harder than anything i've ever known  
and i will need you  
it will be strong and terrifying_

_- warsan shire, day twenty-five_

-

We got home and changed and into bed. I was a little . . . hesitant about the sleeping thing again, especially after tonight, but I couldn't and wouldn't open that can of worms with Nessie again. She's made it clear that she needed me in bed with her, that I kept the nightmares away, and I wasn't letting her get tortured because my inner-wolf was giving me a hard time.

Nessie snuggled herself into my side as I flipped channels compulsively. Not even looking for something to watch, just fidgeting. The awkwardness was gone and I didn't want to bring it back but I - I had to apologize.

I know now that Nessie hadn't been pushing me away but there was still so much more than that. Nessie's first kiss had been after she held a grown man while he cried for hours and her first date ended with her being groped against the side of a car and having to calm a werewolf panic attack.

That was a double-whammy. I ruined two things at once with that one.

Not that I would ever, ever, ever change it for anything but before . . . us, I never imagined it would be like this. I imagined Nessie would develop feelings for me once she was older (and not fall in love with Seth), and then Edward would be helpful and give me a heads up or I'd find out some other way and come clean to her, and then we'd . . . be together.

I'd take her on dates or whatever she wanted and we'd be normal.

But instead I got it into my head that she loved my beta and then we were on the run from vampires who wanted to steal her away and I had to be on guard all the time and we couldn't even stay anywhere more than one night and then my fucking dad died and she had to comfort me while I had a complete mental breakdown and then and only then - after all of that, did it come out how we felt.

And then, when everything was supposed to be better, I went and screwed this up. Great, Jake.

But I would fix it.

"Hey, listen," I said into Nessie's hair. "I'm sorry for messing tonight up."

"No, Jacob." Nessie turned her head, resting her chin on me so she could study my face. Her lips were so close. "The part you think ruined everything was actually the best part of the night."

Okay, I expected the "no, Jake, you didn't ruin it" part, maybe. But the best part? Really?

My mind floated back to earlier outside the car and Nessie's sweet lips. Suddenly, the mystery was eating at me. I had to know.

"Can I ask you something?"

Nessie looked like she was thinking for a second. "If I can ask you something after."

"Done," I said, my curiosity worse than ever now. What did she want to know? Now I had two things I was dying to find out.

Nessie laughed, pressing her face into my chest and I could actually feel her breath through my thin undershirt. "What is it?"

Okay. Shit.

"I - when we . . . kissed earlier . . . " Come on, Jake, you mauled her in a practically public place less than an hour ago. Don't get shy now. "Your lips tasted really good. I mean, they always - it's just, well - really _sweet_, so I didn't know if - "

"It was lip-gloss," Nessie interrupted, saving me some stuttering and my pride. "It was flavored - I bought it this afternoon."

Oh. Lip-gloss. Duh. Normal girls probably wore stuff like that all the time - I just wasn't used to it with Nessie.

I imagined her in that bathroom, leaning into the mirror and rolling it onto her lips. I realized Nessie was still watching me and felt my face heat up. "Oh."

"Did you like it?"

"Was that your question?" I asked back, kinda teasing. Kinda not wanting to answer.

"No." Nessie narrowed her eyes at me in the cutest way. "Do I get another if you answer that?"

You'd get a book of questions if you wanted, Ness.

"Well," I said instead, dragging the word out and making Nessie roll her eyes. "Since I love you, you can have both."

She grinned, pulling the corner of her bottom lip between her teeth like always.

I guess I was supposed to answer now.

"Yeah, I liked it." Couldn't you tell? "A lot."

A lot doesn't even begin to explain it.

Nessie smiled again, that new smile from the car this morning. But I needed to stop thinking about that before I got us into even more trouble.

"So what was your other question that I so graciously allowed you to have?" I said to distract myself, from that and my new irrational habit of being jealous of things that weren't people. Things like teeth and steam.

And tubes of lipgloss.

The smile immediately fell off of Nessie's face. Not like sadness, but . . . nervousness. Was it that bad?

"Remember when you said that you . . . think about me how I think about you?" How could I not? I nodded. "Well, I was just wondering . . . how, or . . . I mean, why . . . no, that doesn't make sense. Ugh."

I couldn't help but laugh a little. She was so adorable when she was nervous or flustered. I kissed her sweet-smelling hair.

I think I understood. My girl was so sweet.

"Do you mean what about you do I . . . find attractive?"

I knew I was right before she nodded, because her face flamed red. Oh, honey. She buried her face in my shirt.

"Never mind, Jacob, you don't have to answer it - I was just wondering - "

"No, no, I'll answer." You need to know, because apparently you're unaware of how beautiful you are. "You really seem much more surprised than you should that I think about you . . . like that."

Now, how to keep this PG?

Nessie tried to say something but I started before she could finish.

"Your hair," I decided on first, watching how Nessie fell silent, her eyes focused on my face. "I love how long and thick and curly it us, and I love the color. I like how it moves when you wear it down."

I couldn't help but reach around her back and twist some of those curls between my fingers. So soft. Nessie sighed, making me focus on her mouth.

"I like your lips too." I love them. Fucking adore them. Worship them. "They're probably my favorite, all soft and pretty and they . . . they taste good." Even without that lipgloss shit. "Don't think I'm creepy or anything, but sometimes I used to wonder if . . . if I ever got to kiss you, what they would taste like."

Nessie shifted beside me, crossing her legs. Her scent got the smallest bit stronger and she drew that lip in between her teeth.

"And that," I added. Definitely that. "When you bite your lip like that, it's really - I just - I really like it."

She let the lip go and her eyes got a little darker.

"And you smell really good." So good. I could talk about just that for hours. I could talk about you forever. "I like to watch you read, and cook, but I'm not sure why. I love that you go barefoot wherever you can and that even though you're way smarter than me, you still trust my decisions." All of them. Even the pretty stupid ones. "I like how you won't let Emmett kill baby bears and how any mention of a wolf makes you perk up . . . and I love how much you love me, even when I don't deserve it." I never deserve it, but hell if I'm ever going to give it up. "I love how easily you forgive me, even after I make you cry, and . . . God, Ness, you're just perfect. I love every single thing about you."

I waited, a little nervous, for Nessie's reaction. Had I gone too far again? Said too much? Finally scared her?

Nessie surprised me by flipping over onto her stomach, sliding up and pressing her face into my neck. I felt her take in a deep breath against my skin, and then made the best little sound as she breathed out.

Then she kissed me, right where my neck met my shoulder. Oh, God.

"You smell really good too," she said quietly against the place she had kissed, almost a whisper. "Sometimes I can't even hug you without getting lightheaded." Damn. "I love to cook for you and clean your room and wash your clothes and I don't know why, but it makes me feel good." Taking care of me made her feel good, just like taking care of her made me. "I think one of the major reasons I go barefoot most of the time is because you do and I grew up wanting to be exactly like you."

She kissed the side of my neck and I balled the hand that was resting against her side into a fist. Her lips were _so_ soft.

"I have absolutely no idea why you think I'm smarter than you, since you teach me new things everyday, but I obviously trust your decisions. If you told me to jump from a plane without a parachute and promised I'd be okay, I'd do it, no questions asked." Damn. Really? "I don't let Emmett kill baby bears because it's wrong but also because it's wrong but also because if you look too quickly, bears look a lot like wolves and I wouldn't be able to stand that."

My stomach was tight. My head was spinning. I couldn't understand, couldn't comprehend how this beautiful, intelligent, perfect, amazing girl loved me so much.

Then Nessie gripped her fingers in my t-shirt and kissed just under my jaw.

"I perk up every time someone mentions wolves because it reminds me of you and you're my favorite subject." And you're mine, Nessie. "I love you as hard as I can, and sometimes it feels like my heart just might explode from it, but it will never be as much as you deserve." No, Nessie. No, honey. It's more than enough - much, much more than I'd ever deserve. "I forgive you every time you make me cry, because most of the time it wasn't even you anyway, just me overreacting over something stupid."

You're never stupid, Nessie. The only stupid thing about you is me, but I'm not complaining.

She stretched up and pressed her warm lips to the corner of my mouth, so close to my lips and so far at the same time. This girl was gonna kill me - could you die from love?

"And if I'm anywhere near perfect it's because for the entire seven years of my life I've been copying you."

Ah.

I had to have her closer, I had to have her against me. I pulled my arm around her waist tighter and pulled her half on top of me, one of her legs falling in between mine. Nessie's hands gripped my shoulders hard and I could feel her breath on my lips. I strained my neck up as far as it would go but I wasn't quite there - just _barely _beyond reach, our noses brushing but our lips unable to.

I needed her. Again. Damn it.

"Can I kiss you, Nessie?"

Her beautiful eyes got a little darker and she bit that lip. "Why do you always ask, Jacob?"

"Because I have to be sure." Because I haven't been so good at reading the signs in the past. Because I would die if I hurt you. Because I need to hear that you want me too. "I have to be sure you want it too because if I ever made you push me away it would hurt too much."

"Take this as perpetual permission. You can kiss me whenever you want." Damn. "In public, in private, while I'm asleep or awake, it doesn't matter." Oh, hell. "Just find me. Just find me, Jacob, and I'll kiss you breathless."

I fought with my body and my heart both. I tried to reach her mouth again but I _couldn't_.

Nessie would have to come to me.

"Come here then."

I suddenly wanted this. I wanted Nessie to kiss me, to show me that she wanted me. So far I had asked and she had given me permission, but she had never kissed me. I wanted her to make that decision. To want to.

I rested my head back against the pillows and waited. It was only a few seconds, but it was the longest wait of my life.

Nessie's leaned into me, down to me, slowly. Slower than slower. Torturously slowly, biting that damn lip the whole time.

When I almost had her, her amazing lips, when I could have reached my head up and caught them but didn't, she smiled. That older, sexy smile from the car and then again earlier tonight and I felt like I was about to explode.

"Can I kiss you, Jacob?"

"Damn it, Nessie."

That was teasing. That was just wrong. I - I asked to her to be sure, because I loved her and wanted to take care of her - she, she knew what I wanted. She knew I never wanted anything else.

And then she was kissing me. Nessie was kissing me.

I opened my lips just enough to brush the crease of Nessie's with my tongue and she instantly let them fall apart, gave me access.

This was insane. Nessie's mouth on mine, Nessie's _body _on mine. On top of me. Was it this bad for normal people?

Nessie wriggled her arms out from between our bodies and rested them by my head, her entire weight settling deliciously over me. I felt Nessie's body shifting, almost wriggling against me and then she slowly slid her body off of mine and to the side.

What had - I hadn't done anything this time, had I?

I pulled back to ask her but she didn't even let me start.

"Turn over," she said quickly. "It's more comfortable."

More comfortable? All two hundred and fifty pounds of me?

"I - I'm not too heavy?" I asked her as her eyes skitted over my face. "I'm always afraid I'll hurt you."

In more than one way.

"No." She shook her head frantically and shifted her weight, trying pull me on top of her. "I - I like it. You're so big and warm and - and not too heavy."

Goddamn.

Then she was kissing me again and I couldn't help but give her what she wanted. Not when she asked - not when I wanted it so bad too.

I rolled us slowly until I had her pressed perfectly against the mattress. I was careful not to put my full weight on her, but I had to feel her. Had to have her body against mine.

I slid my hand a little lower on her waist to adjust myself, trying to control my self as I settled in between Nessie's legs.

Between Nessie's legs. Fuck.

I moved my fingers a little and encountered skin where her shirt had gone up. Nessie gasped.

It would have been so easy to slide my hand down a little more. A little more and then up, under her shirt. Feel the smoothness of her stomach - it would be so _soft - _

No.

"I think we need to stop, Nessie," I whispered into her mouth but she just kissed me again. "Slow, remember?"

"Slow, Jacob." She leaned up and started placing small kisses down my jaw. "Not stop, just slow - that's what you said."

Had I?

"Yeah, but I think we just . . . " I couldn't help it, I kissed her again. What was I saying? "It's just . . . slow and . . . "

"Slow," Nessie agreed, pulling my mouth back down to hers and kissing me again. But soft this time. "Slow."

Soft was nice.

Soft was just as good as the other kisses, but easier to handle. I still wanted her - just as bad as ever, like blood pounding in my bones - but it wasn't so hard as usual. Nessie didn't writhe against me as much, she was more relaxed against me and my need wasn't a compulsion.

I don't know how long I kissed Nessie like this - I lost track. It was amazing, slow and deep and easy. I even forced little Jake into submission. This was nice. I could do this.

At first, when Nessie's small hand came down to cover mine, I thought she just wanted to hold my hand but then she made no effort to flip my hand over. Just covered it with hers.

Then she started to slide it up.

I don't know what I thought she was doing, but I went with it. Right up until my fingertips were resting against her top rib.

No. She wouldn't do this; I wouldn't let her push this because she thought this was what I wanted, because she wanted to please me.

I stilled my hand and pulled away from her lips.

"Nessie - "

"It's what I want," she said firmly, before I could even finish. Before I could even start. "You've already done it, so I don't - "

"I've already smoked too." Don't use that against me, Nessie. You know I made a mistake. Nessie shivered under me. "But you made me stop."

Nessie's eyes softened. Got . . . hurt.

"Is touching me going to make you sick, Jacob?"

Shit. Fuck. I had done it again.

"No - Nessie, I - " I kissed her again. I had to. I had to show her just how - how _not_ sick she made me. I was sick all right, but not because of her. "That's not how I meant - I would never - you don't know how _bad _I want to touch you, but - "

"Then why don't you?"

I pressed my fingers down a little tighter and she gave a little gasp.

It was all so easy to her, simplified in her mind. She didn't have this . . . raging beast inside of her, she didn't understand. And it wasn't her responsibility to, but she needed to know.

"Because I'm afraid I won't be able to stop."

There. I had said it.

I waited for what felt like ages for Nessie's reaction, her reply. But it never came. She just laid there under me, her eyes spacing out and after while . . . getting a little darker?

"Nessie?" I couldn't take it anymore. "I'm sorry if I - scared you - "

"No." She shook her head firmly. "I was just . . . figuring some things out."

I wanted to believe that. I started to slide my hand out from under hers, but she wouldn't let go. She pressed down hard, holding my hand there.

"Nessie - "

"I trust you, Jacob." Damn, her eyes. "I _know _you would never force me, and you need to start trusting yourself. I know you would stop if I asked you to."

No - I - I would_ never_ . . . _force_ her.

"Of course not, Ness, I would never - I couldn't - "

"I know that." She leaned up and kissed me softly. Kissed me. I would never get tired of thinking that. Or feeling that. "But you don't seem to."

"I just can't take any chances with you." I already lost it once today. I leaned in closer because I just couldn't help myself. "Sound familiar?"

"You're right, Jacob. I'm not ready for . . . that yet, but I still . . . I still want to be close to you."

That? _That_ that?

Who was even talking about that?

"I'm always close to you, Nessie." You're a fucking part of me - how couldn't I be? I kissed her again. "We don't have to . . . prove that, or . . . anything."

"I'm not trying to prove anything." Then what's all this, Ness? "I'm - I just . . . I want to kiss you, and touch you, and I know . . . you said it yourself that you . . . you want to touch me too. So, slow, right?"

Damn. I just - damn.

"But why are you suddenly so adamant about this . . . in particular?"

Nessie shook her head and shifted a little under me, her cheeks flushing pink.

"I - it feels good, and right, and you . . . you want to too, even though you're trying to pretend you don't."

Good?

"So it . . . it feels good for you when I . . . touch you there?"

I mean, it felt good when she touched me but it just . . . it just, I dunno. Never registered. I liked touching her because she was soft and warm and so amazing, but it just didn't . . . make sense or something.

Nessie's beautiful eyes widened. "Yes."

"You're not just pushing it because . . . because you think it's what I want?"

Because that would kill me.

"The fact that you want to touch me too is just a really amazing bonus." She kissed me. Again, and sighed against my mouth. "I can't force you, Jake." If she only knew how much she could. "I won't push you anymore, I just . . . just know that I want it too, more than anything."

Anything? More than anything? My Nessie wanted me to touch her _more than anything_?

She had given me the option to stop. I should've, especially after the episode earlier that night, but my Nessie wanted me to touch her more than anything and I wanted it too. So bad.

So I went back to kissing her. Soft, gentle, like a few minutes ago. This time wouldn't be like before - I wouldn't be rough with her. I would hold her, kiss her, touch her soft.

I took it real slow, making sure the wolf and little Jake were both firmly under control. After a few minutes I slid my hand out from under Nessie's and to the side. Until the sides of my fingers were just brushing where her body started to swell out.

I steeled myself, and then slid my hand over.

Two things happened at once: Nessie gasped into my mouth and the scent of her - her arousal, muted until now, grew more potent. She felt so good - and somehow, me touching her like this felt good for her too.

And her skin felt so warm now, even warmer than before. I tightened my fingers around her slightly, squeezing gently and getting the shock of my life when Nessie's soft skin gave easily under mine. Too easily.

My girl wasn't wearing a bra. Fuck.

I moaned and pulled back from her mouth before her scent and her body could set the wolf loose. Nessie whined against me. She didn't want me away from her.

"You're not - you're not wearing - "

"Is that okay?"

Okay? _Okay?_

"Are _you _okay?" That's all I ever want.

"Yes." She was driving me insane, panting, and straining up, trying to pull me back down to her lips. I let her. "Better than okay."

Better than okay. Okay. This was okay.

I kissed her again.

This was okay with Nessie. She was better than okay - she wanted me to touch her. And I wanted to touch her too. Hell, did I.

Every part of her was so amazing, and so small compared with me. My hand covered her entire breast, easily, and as I slid my hand across her, I felt her . . . harden against me.

I inhaled into her mouth. That - that was good, right? It wasn't even happening to me and it sure felt good. I slid my hand over a little more until I was cupping her breast, not sure what I was doing in the least but just following my instincts, and slid my thumb across where I had felt her harden against me.

Nessie fucking whined, and arched hard against me, panting against my lips. My girl liked that.

I pressed a little more of my weight onto her, so I could have her pressed even harder against me. One of Nessie's legs reached around and rested against the back of mine.

I ran my thumb across her again, just to hear her make that fucking sound again and smell her - her fucking scent, that amazing delicious scent get stronger. And it did.

Nessie arched hard against me again and then with a small burst of pain that didn't really hurt at all, I felt her teeth bite down on my lip. I couldn't help it - her body under mine, her breast so soft and her nipple so hard against my hand, and then that - I kissed her harder.

I was more turned on than I had ever been in my life.

But in control. Could I do this?

I felt Nessie's small tongue reach out to touch my lip. She made a small sound in the back of her throat and then pulled my bottom lip firmly between hers, sucking.

I was so - so fucking turned on that it took me a second to realize the vague taste lingering under the taste of Nessie. Blood. The bite must have broken my skin and now Nessie . . . was drinking my blood.

I hate bloodsuckers. Hated them. With the exception of the Cullens, I really wouldn't mind obliterating all of them to ashes. I hated watching Bella have to suck down that shit when she was pregnant, but now - the thought that Nessie was taking my blood was turning me on so bad I couldn't even think.

I couldn't help but moan. Nessie hadn't taken blood from me since she was small - and it definitely hadn't felt like that. I could only compare it to how I imagined breast-feeding would feel if I was a chick, nourishing someone with your body and the pride that comes with that. But this -

This was not maternal or paternal or what the fuck ever. It was hot as hell and I never wanted her to stop.

But a few seconds later, Nessie pulled away. She released my lip and reached a hand up between us to press a finger to my bottom lip, against the place she'd bitten.

Why had she stopped?

"Let it heal." The only thing keeping me from kissing her again was how good her finger felt, brushing back and forth against the sore spot on my lip. "I can't - your blood tastes - too good, I - "

Fuck, those words.

Without the pressure of her mouth drawing the blood out, it would be healed in seconds. I was kinda disappointed.

I ran my tongue across my lip to check but I barely noticed that the wound had sealed because my tongue brushed across Nessie's finger. Under me, Nessie's body tightened and she bit her own lip

"I . . . don't mind." I'll never mind. If it tastes good to you, baby, you can suck me dry. "If you - if you like it, I don't mind."

"Another night." Nessie whispered after a second, and my stomach got tight at the promise of there being another night like this. A thousand more nights like this. She reached up and kissed me lightly, brushing her tongue across my lip. "I'm a little preoccupied with this right now. Sorry for biting you."

Don't ever be sorry, Nessie.

"I liked it," I told her instead, and kissed her.

And we didn't talk anymore after that.

* * *

**Coming up:**

That would be just great, wouldn't it? And real fitting too.

Yeah, sorry, Dad. I know you only sacrificed everything, including your health and eventually your life for me and the twins after Mom died. And I know you were there for the whole turning-into-a-giant-wolf ordeal and real accepting of the randomly running away from home for months thing when I was a teenager and then the imprinting on a half-vampire baby thing and all.

You know, pretty much the all-around best dad. And I _know _that I abandoned you without barely saying goodbye and basically left you to die and everything, and I _know _this morning was your funeral.

But well, I was just really tired, and I overslept. But thanks for everything.


	25. No Deals With the Wolf Today

**_A/N:_** All right, here's a pretty long one. I think y'all are gonna like this and the next one, because they've got fresh scenes. I seriously didn't want to write Billy's funeral because I had no idea what to do for it but I think it worked out pretty good - and it was paramount to Jacob's POV. I liked his little rant about his dad - that was something that always bothers me at funerals, how generic they are. Everyone's always kind, sweet, smart - and I know it's not nice to speak ill of the dead but I don't know that many kind, sweet, smart people. Apparently, they're all dying.

Anyway, y'all keep on adding me at twitter and subscribing to **Alphas and Imprints**. Make sure you comment once in awhile to let me know what you think - I'm working on figuring out how to reply to y'all. :D

Now onward with the Jakey goodness.

**_Disclaimer:_** I'm tired, I have to pee really bad, and have about a thousand things to do. So 'it's not mine' is all the creativity you're getting from me today, I'm afraid. :D

**

* * *

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No Deals With the Wolf Today

* * *

_i can't explain a thing  
i want everything to change and stay the same_

_- fall out boy, coffee's for closers_

-

I didn't sleep much that night either.

I don't know how long Nessie and I stayed the way we did, legs tangled up, kissing on the bed. But I did know that when Nessie's lips started to slow under mine, not reacting to me as quickly as before, that she'd had enough.

I could honestly kiss her all night. Could more than kiss her all right, but she needed sleep. I did too, but it didn't work like that for me.

I just laid there, wide awake, and thought as Nessie slept peacefully against my side. Billy's funeral was tomorrow. Fuck.

I was so not ready to deal with that. I just needed a week or two with Nessie, nothing but her. Days driving around California with the windows down and watching her skin do that subtle sparkling thing it does and nights pressed up against her in the bed, kissing her sweet lips.

A week or two of that and then maybe I would be ready to deal with this. But I didn't have a week or even a day, I had a few hours and I had to get my shit together and be ready.

Eventually, I started to fall asleep, Nessie's always-a-little-too-fast heartbeat serving as a lullaby, but then I kept jolting myself awake. This hotel was too shitty for wake-up calls and what if I slept through it?

That would be just great, wouldn't it? And real fitting too.

Yeah, sorry, Dad. I know you only sacrificed everything, including your health and eventually your life for me and the twins after Mom died. And I know you were there for the whole turning-into-a-giant-wolf ordeal and real accepting of the randomly running away from home for months thing when I was a teenager and then the imprinting on a half-vampire baby thing and all.

You know, pretty much the all-around best dad. And I _know _that I abandoned you without barely saying goodbye and basically left you to die and everything, and I _know _this morning was your funeral.

But well, I was just really tired, and I overslept. But thanks for everything.

Seriously?

So I pretty much stayed awake. I had things to entertain myself with though. Like Nessie, pressed up into my side, soft and warm and mine.

When it finally got pretty light out, I gently disentangled myself from Nessie which was harder than you'd think in more than one way and went to the bathroom. There was really no use in taking a shower since I'd be phasing so I just splashed icy water on my face.

My idea of penance?

I finally changed my clothes around nine and then at nine-thirty decided I'd better wake Nessie up.

"Nessie." I leaned over her and brushed some of her beautiful hair back off her face. I could do this today if she was with me. "Nessie, honey, wake up."

Her amazing eyes fluttered open slowly, never more gorgeous as when she just woke up. Wide and relaxed.

She smiled. "Good morning."

"Morning." I tried smiling back, I really did. But it wouldn't come all the way. "You about ready to get up?"

"Sure." I straightened back up as Nessie pushed herself up sleepily, her eyes skating over me. "Why are you already dressed?"

Shit. I was gonna have to say it.

"I, um . . . I was wanting to go see . . . Billy." Be lowered down into dirt.

Nessie gave a little jump and her eyes widened even more.

"When is it?"

"I'm not sure."

I was about to say that I'd remembered Quil thinking something about having to get up at nine to be ready but Nessie was already out of bed with her backpack in her hand. She tore into the bathroom, swinging the door halfway shut behind her.

"You should have woken me up, Jake!" She called back at me. "You can't miss it so I can get my beauty sleep!"

Damn, I loved this girl.

Before I could even say anything back, Nessie was striding back out of the bathroom, pulling her hair up as she went. I watched a little warily as she threw on her shoes and grabbed the black purse.

She held out her hand for me and waggled her fingers, almost dancing on the spot. "Come on, Jake, I'm ready - let's go."

Nessie's heart was seriously freaking out. I wanted to say something to calm her down but mine was kinda doing the same. I took her hand and led her out the door. As soon as we stepped under the cover of woods, Nessie took off running, pulling me behind her. I managed to notice how it felt good to really run after all this time, despite the nasty place my head was in.

I stopped when Nessie did. The poor girl was panting.

"Is here okay?"

I listened hard, letting my hearing zone out, searching for signs of human life and found none. We were alone.

I nodded to let her know we were good and pulled my shirt up over my head, handing it to her. She slung it over her shoulder and I should have left then, walked away to phase, but I couldn't.

For a few short seconds, I was frozen. I didn't want to leave Nessie and go do this.

But I had to man up. I wanted to tell her thank you and that I loved her more than she'd ever know but I wasn't sure exactly how to say it so I just shut my mouth.

Then I turned on my heel and walked off. I already felt myself start unravelling, felt the aching in my stomach that being away from Nessie only doubled. The wolf may have made dealing with shit easier, but not being as close with Nessie made it worse and it ended up evening the fuck out.

I didn't want to do this.

I was surprised to feel a small hand catch mine. I turned to see what was wrong only to have Nessie wrap her hands around the back of my neck and pull down hard, pulling me down to her level. I was too shocked to do anything but go and a second later, her soft lips were pressed firmly against mine.

Once I got over the shock, which took longer than it should have, I kissed her back. She was so good - so, so good.

After a few seconds, Nessie broke her lips away from mine.

"Don't be scared, my Jacob, okay?" She kissed me again. "I love you, and I'm going to be with you the whole time."

Scared. That's what I was. Scared of facing what I had done.

But Nessie loved me and she would be with me. I could and I would do this.

I needed another second of connection, though, so I leaned back down and brushed my lips across hers. I didn't even know what to say.

"I love you too, Nessie. Th- thank you."

It just seemed too devastatingly simple compared with what I was feeling. I needed bigger words, but I didn't have them. So I left.

I tried to hurry, as much as I could when phasing which was nearly impossible since all it took was a split second anyway. The idea was to be back out with Nessie by the time it all hit but I wasn't fast enough. It crashed down on me, my grief and - and Seth's, weighing down on my shoulders like a thousand pounds.

I couldn't run. I could hardly walk - my feet felt like they were made of iron as I dragged myself back out to my girl. I saw that her eyes were worried but there was nothing I could do to comfort her now. I kneeled beside her and rested my head in her lap as Seth finally shook loose of the extra grief that dropped on his mind when I phased.

_Hey, man. You're just - you're just on time._

I didn't have anything to say, so I didn't say anything. But of course, since Seth was in my head, he knew all that.

Nessie started scratching my ears. It helped, but not by much.

I focused on seeing through Seth's eyes and saw he was standing on the edge of the woods out by the Quileute burial grounds. Yeah, they still didn't say cemetery around there.

People were just coming now, walking through the drizzling wet to almost the center of the piece of land where a black tent had been put up. Rachel was first, clinging to Paul and Seth could just barely hear her tears from here. Which meant I could too.

Quil Senior, Sam, and Emily were next. Sam walked in between them, one arm supporting the elderly Quil and the other a hugely pregnant Emily. Some of the tribal leaders walked with them.

Then Leah and Charlie and Sue, who walked together. Leah looked to the woods once before she sat down, right at Seth and by extension me, and twitched her hand in an almost-greeting. Her eyes were sad and a little red, but that was all. They weren't hard. They weren't cold.

Then Jared, Kim and their little son walking with Quil and Claire. Claire was clinging to Quil's side and looking lost and a little scared. Embry walked with them - both him and Quil glanced towards the woods where Seth was and did the same as Leah, a small acknowledgement.

_They uh, they said to say . . . you know, sorry._

I still didn't say anything. I watched the rest of the guys walk up, Collin and David and John and Robert and Brady and the rest of them. They walked together, David and Brady brought their girlfriends, who were clinging to their arms.

Finally, there were no more people and I had nothing else to look at. I had to look at the thing I had been avoiding since I first starting seeing through Seth's eyes.

The dark brown coffin sitting up high in the middle of the tent.

Fuck.

My Dad was in there.

Motherfuck.

_It's - it's not him, Jake. I mean, you know, it's just a body. That's not really him. _

_And?_

_It just - helped me with Dad, is all. That thought. Reckoned I'd mention it._

_Yeah, well. Doesn't change the fact that he's dead. _And that it's my fault.

_Jake, you know that's not - _

Shit. I could seriously live my life just fine without the damn pack mind. But then I remembered what it was helping me do now.

_I know, Seth. I know, okay? _

_Well, you know what, Jacob? You're right. You killed your Dad and so did I. 'Cause I blew my Dad's heart the first time I phased - shocked it so bad it stopped. So, yeah, me and you both, we're father-killers. Two-of-a-kind._

I had forgot about that.

_Seth, that wasn't your - _

_What? My _fault_? _His thoughts turned the slightest bit mocking. _I know, Jake. I know, okay?_

I knew what he was trying to do. I was inside his head, of course I knew. But it still helped.

I felt a little of the weight lift. _Thank you._

_S'what I'm here for, man._

The rest of it passed in a kind of blur. Old Quil talked and Charlie did too; I could see him swiping at his eyes from here. The old guy from the council that usually did funerals around here did his little speech, but it was stupid. He hardly knew my Dad - who was he to talk to people about who he was?

Charlie should talk again. Or Sue.

He said the same old generic stuff - that my Dad was smart, loyal, kind. Would give you the shirt off his back. It was all true, but it still bothered me. People always said that shit at funerals. They didn't care if it was true or not. They'd be saying the same thing if he wasn't.

They should talk about how he loved his wife so much it was almost like the imprint. That still, almost twenty years after she died, he couldn't see anybody else. Couldn't see their faces. Just like the imprint.

That it hurt him so bad without his other piece that his body weakened and the diabetes took his legs.

Or about how he bent over backwards for his kids, even when his daughters ran off to Hawaii and college respectively and his son turned into a huge dog that fell in love with a half-vampire baby.

Or about how he was the only one who knew how to make Harry Clearwater's fish fry, until he taught Seth like three months back. Not Sue or Leah though, said it was a man thing.

Or about how he loved the Mariners and called it Washington pride, but dropped the Seahawks for the Broncos after they had a losing streak about ten years back. They should talk about how in the hell this stupid tribe was supposed to function with him gone, especially since his stupid son was nowhere to be found.

But no. He was kind, he was brave, he was loyal.

Generic, bland, impersonal.

How come they didn't talk about how his laugh was? All deep and rumbling and rich - how, forever ago, back when I could barely remember, when he and Mom laughed together, it sounded like music? His voice so deep and strong and hers light and carrying?

How about how, back when she was still alive and he had both his legs, he used to dance her around the house while we ate breakfast using only their laughter as music?

How about he was the best fucking dad who had ever lived and none of us were ever going to be the same again now that he was _dead_?

He was still talking, something now about coming from the earth and going back. As the coffin went into the ground.

Shit. Now?

Now-now?

_It's okay, Jake, man. It's gonna be all right. _

Rachel and Paul stood up. I was confused at first until I saw her lean down and grasp a handful of dirt from the pile beside the - beside the grave. She was crying pretty bad. Paul pressed himself against her from behind, cradling her, his long arm even reaching down the back of her so his hand was covering her hand. He leaned with her, closing his hand around hers to grasp the dirt.

The he turned with her, helping her to toss the dirt into the grave. On my Dad. They were throwing _dirt_ on my Dad.

_Calm down, bro. It's a tradition, you know that. It's not like that. _

The coffin was finally low enough that I couldn't see it anymore. That was it.

I watched, with a numb sort of feeling, as everybody stood up and grabbed a fistful of dirt. Sam had to reach down and get Emily's for her, pouring some into her hand since her stomach wouldn't allow her to bend. Quil threw his lightly, turning to sweep Claire, who was pressing her face into his back, up into his arms as soon as he was done.

I wish I could do that right now. I would, if didn't have these thousand pound weights on my shoulders and I was human. I would wrap Nessie in my arms and hold her tight, press my face into her neck.

I faded back into myself a little, let myself feel Nessie clutching at my fur. She was still there, my girl. No one would take her - I had her, at least.

Finally, as Charlie Swan threw the last fist of dirt, people began to disperse.

"Goodbye, Billy Black," he said quietly, but in a voice that somehow managed to make its way to Seth's and therefor my ears through everything else. "I don't know who I'm supposed to watch the game with now."

It wasn't meant to be comical. Just sad. Nostalgic.

If I ever got back, I would make it my business to go watch a couple of games with Charlie.

Paul was tugging Rachel gently away from the grave. Nobody told me she'd been so bad.

Seth's thoughts immediately assured me that she hadn't. _I think it's just the funeral. Leah - she had to leave halfway through Dad's. She almost phased. _

"Bye, Dad," she cried into Paul's shoulder, not even facing the grave. Everyone else was gone now, or at least on their way to getting there. Just them and the guy waiting to call the tractor forward. "Say hi to Mom for me."

Oh, fuck no. I could not do this.

Before I knew it, I was on my feet. Nessie was no longer under me. I tossed my head back and howled.

I didn't care if it was going to be worse as a human, I needed Nessie in my arms. I ran back to the bushes. Seth knew I was about to disappear, I guess, because his thoughts got really fast.

_Listen, Jacob, it's gonna be all right. Okay, bro? I know Nessie'll make you feel better. Don't worry, it doesn't feel like this for forever, I promise. Just - I hope I see you the next time you phase. We're - we're doing the run tonight, if you wanna come._

Yeah, some kind of ceremonial pack run or some shit. I could care less about that now.

_Gotcha. Jake - just, just take it easy on yourself, man. Okay?_

I phased.

And like always, it crashed down on me. Most of the weight from my chest and shoulders lifted, but it was replaced with raw pain. I tore my jeans on, trying to get back out to Nessie, but that was as far as I got.

Because I was fucking crying. Again.

Damn it. And I couldn't stop it or hold it back or do anything but sit there.

Because my Dad was dead. Billy was dead. In the dirt, cold and full of whatever chemicals they pumped him full with and I would never see him or touch him or talk to him again.

It wasn't fair and it hurt so _bad_.

I collapsed onto the ground, leaning back against a tree and bracing my legs in front of me. I had just buried my face in my hands, trying to get myself under control, when I heard her sweet voice call for me.

But I still couldn't call it all back.

The next thing I knew, Nessie's small arm was settling around my shoulders. "Oh, Jake. I'm so sorry."

I looked at her. I shouldn't have, while I was all weak and pathetic like this, but I wanted to watch her eyes. It was the only thing that had a shot in hell of making me feel better.

"My Dad, Nessie." I don't know why I said it. It hurt - like hell. To call him that, out loud, which I never did. My Dad. "My Dad."

I felt a fucking traitorous tear break loose from my eye and before I could turn my face, Nessie's lips were pressed against it. Another broke loose and she kissed that away too.

"I'm so sorry, my Jacob." Her Jacob. "I'm so, so sorry."

She cradled my face her in hands, her tiny thumbs brushing away tears that were running down now.

I wanted to feel good, to let her hold me but I couldn't. It felt so horrible and emasculating - even the other night, it hadn't been like this. She hadn't - she hadn't seen my tears. Seen me cry.

I'd already done this once. I wouldn't do it again.

I turned my head, trying to get my face away from her until I could get myself in check but she wouldn't let go. She held my face firm in her hands.

"Stop it, Jacob." Even through all the mess in my head, her firmness shocked me. "Don't hide from me. It's okay to cry if you need to, but don't hide from me."

Hide from her? Didn't she get it? I wasn't hiding from her. I was trying to be strong for her. A man. Her man. Her protector; fearless, brave, invincible. Fearless, brave, invincible men didn't cry.

Nessie didn't want me to look away so I didn't, but I couldn't meet her eyes. I watched Nessie's knee, waiting for the tears to stop. Dry up.

I was jolted when Nessie stood up. At first I thought she was angry, upset with me for "hiding from her" but she just slung a leg over mine and settled herself down into my lap. She felt so good, so tight against me with my thighs holding her in. I rested my hands on her waist, just to touch her.

Nessie leaned in even closer to me, resting her elbows on my shoulders so she could hold my head in her arms. I thought for a second before I decided I didn't care, I needed this, so I leaned in and pressed my face into Nessie's neck.

But it wasn't close enough. Still.

I hugged her tight to me, pulling her body tight against mine. My girl, my Ness. She was here. She was why I was here. I could do it if I had her.

"Do you want to go home, Jacob?" She asked me quietly, and I knew which home she meant this time. "Or do you want to stay here?"

I didn't want to leave. Not when we were how we were now, all together and close and my face was hidden.

"Can we stay?" Please?

"Of course we can, Jake." Relief flooded me and Nessie scratched my scalp with her nails. "Whatever you need. Tell me what I can do for you. What can I do to help you feel better?"

I need you. You can be here. You make me feel better.

"This helps," I told her instead. I pulled her closer and she went. "You don't know how much this helps."

"Jacob?" She said a second later.

I knew that tone, what she wanted. She wanted me to look at her. I took a second to calm myself, tried to subtly press my face into her neck and leave some of the tears there before I had to swallow my pride.

I looked up and was, as always, shocked by her beauty.

Then I was shocked by her soft lips against mine. She pulled back before I could even realize it, but then she was back and I was ready.

It - it felt so good, so, so good but I couldn't let her do this. Kiss me just to make me feel better. I wouldn't use her. It was still a few seconds before I had the strength to pull away.

Her eyes fluttered open, a beautiful sight.

"Don't - don't do this for me." I let go of my fierce grip on her, just moving until my hands were against her back. "Don't do this just because you're trying to make me feel better."

"Shut up, Jacob," she said, shocking me, and kissed me again.

I forced myself not to give into the kiss, not to mold my lips against hers. I wouldn't let her pity me - I wouldn't let her use her body to comfort me. She was better than that - she wasn't an 'I-Hope-You-Feel-Better' card. Then Nessie parted her lips and it got a lot harder. Her hot breath against my lips was maddening.

I must be crazy. How could I say no?

Then Nessie's tongue came out and traced my lips and they fell open like a compulsion. A reflex. Completely involuntary.

And then her tongue was there. I barely had time to register the pleasure before her tongue was replaced by her lips. Just as good.

My resolve, my control, my sanity. All of it broke, and I kissed her back.

It was so good. I could push all my shit into the back of my mind when she was kissing me, focusing only on her mouth and her body and how amazing it all was.

I was insane. I was insane for wanting Bella as badly as I had, even when I knew the only reason I had was so I could meet this wonder. I was crazy to think there was no one better - no one more perfect than Bella had been. I loved Bella still, she was my friend, but she was _nothing _compared with this. With her daughter.

We moved, slowly, until I had Nessie pressed against me on the forest floor. Part of my head was telling me this was wrong, that Nessie deserved better than the hard ground, but the other part - the huge part that Nessie's lips made feel _so much better_ told it to shut the hell up.

Nessie broke her lips away from mine while when her head made contact with the ground. She didn't seem to be trying to get away so I was confused, until she reached back and pulled her hair-tie out. She flung her hair out from under her, up past her head and it made a bronze fan above her.

I felt her trying to pull me back down to her lips, but I couldn't take my eyes off of her. Gorgeous.

"You're so beautiful," I couldn't help but tell her. She flushed pink. "I can't believe you're mine."

"I think the same thing sometimes." She placed a kiss just under my jaw. "You're beautiful too, Jake. I hope you know that."

Her mother had told me the same thing. Back then, it had made me cocky, filled me with pride. But now . . . now it was unimaginable how good those words made me feel. Beautiful. My Nessie thought I was beautiful.

I leaned down, finally tearing my eyes away from her, and pressed a kiss to her neck. I only had about a day of experience but it was enough to tell that my Ness's neck was sensitive. Her fingers gripped into my hair and she tried to pull me closer.

I actually laughed a little, against her skin. Then I remembered a flash from one of her dreams that she'd shown me last night. Something very similar to how we were now.

"Patience, Nessie," I whispered into her neck, the same words I had said to her in her dream.

I felt Nessie's face heat up and knew she got it. I ran my tongue lightly over her pulse point, making her gasp and my stomach tighten up.

And once I'd done it once, it was like I had unlocked a box. I had to taste her again. I continued kissing her neck, flicking my tongue out here and there and Nessie moaned, but that wasn't even the best part.

She was fucking _delicious_.

"You skin tastes good, Ness," I whispered as her scent got stronger, sending my head spinning. The scent itself as much as what it meant.

Nessie took her hands out of my hair then, running them over my shoulders. Across my neck and down my chest. I hadn't been close to Nessie like this, without my shirt, since we had - well, been like this. It was so different. Better. Her hands against me, soothing and calm and sensual.

Then Nessie ran her hand across my pec, her fingers brushing my nipple. I - it felt so _good_. If - if this was how it felt for her . . . I couldn't even keep kissing her neck. I had to pause.

Then Nessie did it again, brushing her fingers over me again. Harder than before, experimentally. Teasing.

"Ness - "

I ran my nose up the line of her neck and across her jaw.

"Does that feel good?" She asked sincerely, running her fingers over my again. I forced little Jake into submission.

"Yes, that feels good." Couldn't she tell?

I thought I was finally getting a reprieve that I wasn't sure if I was relieved about or not when Nessie ran her hands back up my shoulders, but I was wrong. She just let one rest on my neck and the other go down to my other pec.

It was so hard to concentrate on my kisses on her jaw then. My girl knew what she was going now. She traced the tip of her finger around my other nipple, lightly, not touching it, just driving me insane.

I pulled back, originally to ask her if she was enjoying herself teasing me but that plan got thrown off course when Nessie looked straight into my eyes and ran her thumb over my nipple.

I don't know if the teasing made me more sensitive or what the fuck ever - you never saw this shit in movies - but it felt so damn good. When guys talked, I guess they skipped over this part. Too pansy, maybe, not raunchy enough. I didn't care. It was _amazing._

And it was my Ness.

Her hands on me, her body under me, and that _look_, that grownup look in her eyes. They undid me. I crushed my lips down on hers.

"You - are so - amazing." Spectacular. Astounding. Magnificent. "I can't - believe - "

I can't believe you're mine. I can't believe you're here. I can't believe you just made me forget about all that shit. I can't believe you just made me feel so goddamn good when I thought I'd never feel anything but pain ever again.

I threaded one of my hands into her hair and shifted my weight to the left so I could reach one hand between us to massage her waist. I would make my girl feel good too - I wouldn't just take. I worked my way up, faster than I probably should have, until her soft breast was in my hand.

Nessie gasped against my mouth and her scent increased a little. Not too much - not enough to throw me off. I was still under control, my brain still my master. Mostly.

I massaged the softness in my hand, a little carried away with Nessie's kisses at first that I thought I had been too rough with her but her smell got stronger. I slipped my tongue past her lips to taste her mouth at the same time I brushed my fingers over the place where I knew Nessie's nipple was, trying to bring her some of the pleasure she'd brought me.

I expected a reaction similar to last night, but I didn't expect Nessie's fingers to curl forward on my chest, grasping almost. I didn't expect her nails to scrape past my nipple.

I moaned loudly into Nessie's mouth, unable to hold it back, and Nessie's scent increased again. By a lot.

It was so hard. So hard not to rationalize with myself, make a deal with the wolf trying to creep up on me. My girl wanted it, I could smell it. It was okay.

But it wasn't.

I forced myself to pull away from Nessie's lips.

"Nessie." I brushed my lips across her cheek because I still couldn't stand to be separated. "We need to stop now."

Nessie groaned, and it wasn't the nice ones from earlier. It was okay, though, I had been expecting it. I felt the same.

I gave myself one more kiss, trying to funnel into it that we were done for now so Nessie wouldn't try to manipulate me into more. Because we all knew she could, too easily.

"Not because of you," I made sure to tell her. But because you smell too good. Because you make me feel too good and I'm afraid I can't control it. "But because you said you trusted me to stop . . . when it was time to stop."

Nessie flushed pink and I knew she got it. I didn't mind - I wanted her to know how much I wanted her, as long as it didn't scare her.

"I'm sorry if I shouldn't have . . . "

"No, Nessie." There would be no sorry for her being too beautiful. Too sexy. Too irresistible. "Don't be sorry, you didn't . . . you didn't do anything wrong."

"You always say that." She brought her finger up to brush my lips like she had done last night. If what happened last night was any indication, this didn't bode well for us getting up off this ground soon. "I just . . . I just like making you feel how you make me feel."

I didn't know what to say to that so I just kissed her finger. She sighed.

"Neither of us did anything wrong, Ness." Not even me, this time. "We just have to know when to . . . stop."

"It's hard."

I tried not to laugh at the pun Nessie probably wouldn't get. Oh, the irony. "You have no idea."

I stood up but Nessie just stayed laying down for a second. I watched her eyes skim over my body from where she was laying on the ground, looking more irresistible than anything I'd ever seen, and I was glad my skin didn't show blushes easy.

I offered my hand then and Nessie took it, letting me pull her up. I caught her around the waist to steady her so she wouldn't fall. Her hair, so gorgeous and beautiful, was spread all around her shoulders and now full of wildlife. Pieces of leaves of all different colors and grass and I think I might have seen a ladybug.

She'd never been more beautiful.

It . . . it was okay now. Still not perfect, but Nessie made it so much closer than it would have been otherwise. I didn't want to die, at least. I was even kind of happy. It would take a minute - but like Seth said, I could see how it wouldn't be like this forever.

It would always hurt, of course. But not like this, a throbbing in the front of my heart. Nessie could heal me, if I let her. Hell, she was already on her way.

I looked at her, all swollen lips and leaf-filled hair, as she stared up at me from her shorter height. Her head tilted back a little to look at me, her eyes warm and wide.

I think I was about ready to go home.

* * *

**Coming up:**

"So?"

"Don't you - don't you have patrols on the fifth?" She asked me, her eyes opening for a few seconds before she pressed them closed again. "Back home? Remember, Jake?"

Then I remembered a conversation with Bella a year ago, when she pulled me aside and calmly suggested that I take up patrols the morning of the fifth of every month. I of course wanted to know why the hell it mattered and after five minutes of cryptic run-arounds, I finally got an okay picture.

Nessie was . . . not up to hanging out on those days. Female stuff, she'd said, which was enough to get me to back off after I'd made sure Nessie was fine.

Nobody told me she'd been in _pain._


	26. Gonna Kill Bella

**_A/N: _**So here's "The Period Chapter" from Jake's POV. It was hella fun to write - poor Jake. Again. I'm not sure what some of your reactions may be to the amount of pain Nessie was in, but let me assure you that it_ is_ realistic. I can vouch for that. And then taking into consideration that her skin resists change and all . . . ouch. Poor Ness too. Also, if it's not clear: I'm not a dude. I don't know how a dude reacts to "girl stuff", although around here it's running for cover with fingers stuffed in ears. Hope I did okay.

So make sure you review and tell me what you think of the fresh scene and the preview and all of that. Oh, and please keep checking out **Alphas and Imprints **for all your wolfy/imprinty needs. Make sure you drop a line and tell me what you think. New recs up every Friday and occasionally Monday.

**_Disclaimer:_** I don't own anything but the absolutely massive amount of love I have for the lyrics for this chapter - aren't they perfect and amazing? Ness definitely is his gravity. Oh, and I think the chapter title ain't too shabby neither.

**_

* * *

_**

Gonna Kill Bella

* * *

_dear gravity, you've held me down in this starless city  
i'm not the boy i was before_

_- fall out boy, tiffany blews_

-

Was it weird that life was good?

I mean, my dad was dead and psycho vamps were trying to steal my girl and we were on the run thousands of miles from home with no stable center and all of that, but - but it was still good.

I had my Ness, and that was honestly all I needed. She helped so much, helped heal up that aching, festering hole in my chest that Billy's death left. It was still there, when I thought about it, but wasn't there when I wasn't so I took that as a sign I was getting better.

It was like floating on some weird high. I spent my days in the drivers seat of a kick-ass Porsche, with a bag full of money and the most gorgeous girl I'd ever laid eyes on as I drove up and down sunny California. Living in Forks your entire life, sunshine was something you came to appreciate.

And the nights - oh, the nights. The nights were spent with that same amazing creature, pressed against her, holding her close. Kissing her perfect lips and running my hands over her perfect body until sleep overtook us.

I had my soul mate. My soul mate. She loved me and she wanted me and we were together and nothing else mattered.

There had been no snags in what I could see easily becoming the new fabric of our lives. Until now.

I jumped as I felt Nessie shake me awake. I sat up quickly, looking around for a source of danger. Since we had been on the run, Nessie had never woken up before me. The fear, the sense of danger, even when it lingered on the edges, kept me on my toes.

"Nessie - what - ?"

I relaxed for about half a second when I realized nothing else was in the room with us, that the leap of fear in my throat had just been adrenaline, but my stomach immediately twisted when I laid eyes on Nessie.

Her eyes were turned down and dull, her posture hunched over. She held a hand pressed to her stomach and I think tears were sparkling in her eyes. What the fuck?

"Nessie!" I reached out for her, getting out of bed and standing up beside her. "What - what's wrong - are you - what - ?"

I couldn't even think. What was she, sick? What the fuck was I supposed to do if she was sick? I couldn't take her to a hospital, we'd have to meet back up with the Cullens -

Nessie cut my thoughts off, closing her eyes and pressing her lips into a thin line while she shook her head at me.

"No, Jacob, I'm fine," she bit out but I could tell she wasn't. My girl was in _pain. _"I just - I need to go the store."

"The store?" I asked, caught between wanting to put my hands on her and my fear of hurting her even worse. "Are you crazy? What's - what's going on with you? Why are you like this?"

"It's the fifth." She said it with that same, half-choked voice and I felt my insides wither. I had to do something.

And what the fuck did it matter what day it was? Nessie was _hurting. _

"So?"

"Don't you - don't you have patrols on the fifth?" She asked me, her eyes opening for a few seconds before she pressed them closed again. "Back home? Remember, Jake?"

Then I remembered a conversation with Bella a year ago, when she pulled me aside and calmly suggested that I take up patrols the morning of the fifth of every month. I of course wanted to know why the hell it mattered and after five minutes of cryptic run-arounds, I finally got an okay picture.

Nessie was . . . not up to hanging out on those days. Female stuff, she'd said, which was enough to get me to back off after I'd made sure Nessie was fine.

Nobody told me she'd been in _pain._

I mean, I reckon my sisters dealt with shit like this, but the only thing I could ever remember was them getting really bitchy and calling it 'girl stuff' when Dad tried to call them out on it.

I don't ever remember this - this stomach-clutching, teary-eyed pain. Why hadn't they ever told me? Is that why they'd told me to stay away, so I wouldn't see her in pain?

Nessie shifted her weight and I smelled the blood then. My stomach turned. I knew - I knew it was normal as far as shit like that goes and it was supposed to happen but it just went against all my instincts. Nessie was bleeding, and that wasn't right.

I can't believe I'd let myself be freaked out by 'girl stuff' so bad that I'd listened without question and stayed away all those times, all those days when Nessie had been hurting.

"What - but what do I do?"

I needed to do something. I needed to make her better.

"You drive, Jake." She even managed a little chuckle, but scrunched her face up in pain after and I was sorry I had made her laugh. "I just need you to take me to the store."

The store. Okay. Yeah. Right.

I grabbed my keys. "Okay, let's go."

"Shirt, Jake?" I heard her tiny voice say from behind me. I looked down at my bare chest. "And maybe some shoes?"

Shit, this mess had me all mixed up. How was I supposed to concentrate on anything when Nessie was hurting?

I grabbed the nearest shirt I could find, pulled it over my head and stepped into my shoes. I grabbed my wallet from the table and walked back to Nessie.

I placed my hands on her shoulders, gently, holding the weight off so not to add to her discomfort.

"Are you okay, Nessie? Do you need me to carry you?"

"No, Jacob, no," she said, trying to smile a little. "Don't be silly. I just need you to drive since you've got the license."

I hated having to watch her walk to the car like that, hated having to see her in pain. Once we were in the car, Nessie laid the chair back and curled into a ball on the seat - I _hated_ this.

I drove fast as hell to the closest store I could find.

"Is this okay?" I asked as we started coming up. "Will they have . . . what you need?"

Nessie strained her head up, looking like it was taking a lot out of her to do it. "Yeah, Jake, this is fine."

I pulled in, cut the engine and turned to Ness. I wish - if it was any other time, I'd leave her to relax and go in and buy her whatever she wanted, even girl stuff, gladly - but I couldn't leave her in the car.

Nessie seemed to already know that, because she started pushing herself up. She had already gotten dressed before she woke me up, I guess. I watched her push her hair back and check the mirror. When she opened her door, I got out and walked around to her side really fast.

I saw her change her posture, straighten back up and smooth out her t-shirt even though it was obviously hurting her worse. She didn't want other people to see her like this - I didn't want to see her like this. I wanted to fix it.

She gave me a small smile and leaned into my side and I wrapped my arm around her, glad that she wanted me close, especially now. We walked together like this into the store, but Nessie stopped to look around once we were in.

She looked up at, her cheek brushing my chest. "Can you - can you stay here?"

I looked around - the store was tiny. I could see clearly from one end to the other. I didn't want to.

"Where is it?" I asked her, and she pointed to an aisle about five yards away.

The shelves were low, about neck level for Ness. I'd be able to see her, get to her in about two seconds if I needed to. But it still didn't feel right.

"Okay," I said finally. I almost had to force it out. "I'll stand here by the register. But hurry, Ness, you know I don't like this."

She nodded and I winced as I watched her walk away. She was walking normally now, but she still kept a hand pressed to her stomach. I could see her face but not what she was looking at while she studied something on the shelf. Less than a minute later she was back.

I didn't look at what she had in her hands since I didn't want to embarrass her, and handed her my wallet. I think I saw her smile a little gratefully out of the corner of my eye.

"Do you - do you need any, like, medicine or anything?" I asked a little desperately as the guy rang our stuff up.

Nessie shook her head and looked up at me, half-smiling again. "Doesn't work, Jake, you know that."

Yeah, I did. I knew that. But I couldn't help but hope.

It - it wasn't fair. If Nessie had to go through this normal girl stuff, that seemed a lot worse than most girls had to deal with anyway, there at least had to be some kind of medicine to help her with it. Even only a little.

We went back out to the car with Nessie's plastic bag clutched in her hand and the second we were inside, she curled right back up like she had been.

I kept kicking myself the whole way back to the hotel. We went back inside and Nessie grabbed her bag and started to head to the bathroom. I was about to tell her that we could wait a few hours to see if she felt better before we hit the road - but, but that we had to.

I hated to do it, but the pixie only gave us two days and we had to get going. But Nessie spoke first.

"I'm just - I'm just going to take a hot shower," she said, leaning against the doorframe. "Sometimes it helps. And then we can go, alright?"

"Okay," I said quietly. What else was there?

Nessie was in the shower a lot longer than usual, but she came out right before I started to get worried. I had already gotten all my stuff together and changed my clothes so we could hurry up and get all this driving done with. I could go one day without a shower - wouldn't kill me. I'd gone longer.

She came out with her bag all packed up, her hair in a loose knot, and dressed in her pajama pants and a t-shirt. Her blue Snoopy one.

I think she caught me looking at her clothes because she said, "They're more comfortable than jeans, and - and it's not like we're getting out anywhere, are we?"

"No, Nessie, honey." I hopped up and took her bag from her, hoisting it onto my shoulder with the other one. I was an idiot - she thought I cared that she was wearing her pajamas out. "Whatever's more comfortable for you. We can even go buy you some sweatpants or something, if you want."

She half-smiled again. "No, Jake, these are fine. Just - can we go?"

"Sure, sure." I grabbed Nessie's shoes and stuffed them in her bag, making her look at me weird. "You know they're not comfortable. You don't need them."

We got into the car and Nessie immediately curled back up like before, pulling her knees up into her stomach with her back facing me.

I drove fast as hell, hoping I could get some space between us and the bloodsucker so I could get Nessie into a warm bed where at least she could be a little more relaxed. At least a little.

Her breathing was weird, fast and labored, pausing completely in places before she'd start up again.

"Is it - is it like this every time?" I asked finally. I couldn't believe that it was. That my Nessie was suffering _this much _every month and no one had told me anything about it. That she hadn't.

Even though she wasn't facing me, I saw her head nod.

"Yes." She let out a harsh exhale through her mouth and paused for a second. "I should be used to it by now. Sorry for - freaking you out, Jake."

Freaking me out? Freaking me out?

She was lying there, gasping like her stomach was turning itself inside out and she was apologizing to me?

"Nessie, don't apologize, just - just tell me how to help you." I reached out and touched her back tentatively, and she didn't jump away from my touch. "I can't stand seeing you like this."

"T-this helps," she said, mimicking my words to her the morning of Billy's funeral. "Really, Jake, I'll be fine by tonight. There's no getting around this part."

"Tonight?" Really? "Are you sure?"

"Mmhm."

Since it was obvious there was nothing in my power that I could do to take the pain away, I settled for what my Mom used to do with us when we were sick. I would take the pain from her, every bit and bear it for forever if it'd get her to stop looking like that, but I couldn't.

When we were little and in bed sick, whining over it, of course, my Mom used to sit with us. She'd run her hands over our hair and kiss our cheeks and tell us how sorry she was.

I couldn't kiss Nessie's cheeks now, not with her so far away, so I settled for rubbing her back and running my free hand over her hair.

"I'm so sorry you feel bad, honey," I told her quietly, I don't know how many times during those three hours in the car. "I'd take it away if I could, I'm so sorry."

Nessie claimed she didn't want food but I stopped and got us burgers before we started searching for a hotel. She needed to eat and she would eventually - I would see to that.

I cradled Nessie into my side as we checked in and I almost copped an attitude with the slow-ass guy at the desk. Couldn't he see my girl didn't feel good?

I carried all of our stuff in, clicking the car locked and locking the door behind us. I threw everything onto the bed before I remembered Nessie would need to lay down.

"God, sorry, Ness." I picked our bags up and threw them to the floor, set the bags of food on the nightstand. "Here, you can come lay down."

She just walked to her bag and pulled her sleeping t-shirt and the plastic bag from this morning out. I looked away again so I wouldn't embarrass her.

"Actually, Jake, I'm going to take a bath - you know, just sit in the hot water for awhile." She lifted her eyes to mine. She looked a little better than this morning, less like she was going to cry but nowhere near good. "I won't be too long."

I walked over to her and pulled her into my arms, gently. She went easily, even taking her hands off her stomach to wrap around me.

"You take all the time you need, Ness." I tilted her chin up to look at me and she let me. I hadn't kissed her today - would it be inconsiderate to now? "Don't hurry. I'll be out here waiting for you."

Then Nessie's pink tongue darted out across her lips and she tilted her head up a little more and I knew what she wanted. "Jake?"

It was a request. One I didn't have a problem with.

I leaned down and brushed my lips gently against hers. I had to be soft with her - she was more fragile than usual right now. She sighed a little and those lips parted against mine.

I kissed her once, gently. Then again, my hand coming up to cup her face.

Nessie kissed me back, just as gentle, but when she reached up to put a hand on my shoulder she whimpered slightly and brought the hand back down, breaking the kiss. Her cheeks were pink but the hurting in her eyes was still there.

I kicked myself again. I'd made Nessie hurt herself.

"Go have your bath," I instructed her, dipping my knees even further to catch her lips again so I was sure she wouldn't have to strain up at all. "I love you."

"I - I love you too."

And she went.

I watched her go and kinda sat there listening to the water run in the bathroom for awhile but that didn't work. I was apparently still as perverted as usual, even when my girl was sick.

I kept thinking about Nessie, laid back in the hot water. How I wished I was with her. I would lean over the edge of the tub, kiss her gently until that combined with the hot water made her forget about the pain in her stomach.

But that wasn't an option and I was just being disgusting, so I got up and changed into my sweatpants and turned on the TV. I found one of those medical mystery shows and left it, settling into my first burger and fry. I mean, not that I really understood most of what they were saying but it was always fun to see that huge tumor they always ended up finding in the end.

Nessie came out before an hour was up, in her full pajamas now. She dropped her shirt and the plastic bag by her backpack and crawled onto the bed beside me. Her hair was wet in some places - she looked uncomfortable, but nowhere near like before. Not in agony.

"Are you okay?" I asked, holding my arm out to her. She crawled into my side and pressed her face into where my arm met my shoulder. "You look like you feel better."

"It doesn't hurt anymore," she said, so relieved. I could tell - her body was so relaxed now, not held tense. "Now I'm just tired. The muscles are kinda sore."

"Sore?" What? "I - I thought you just said it was done hurting?"

"Yeah." I felt her turn pink against my skin. "But it - from the . . . contracting, the muscles are . . . tired."

Contracting? What the hell inside of her was contracting? It wasn't like she was in labor and that was the only time I'd ever heard that word.

But I wouldn't ask. Not now anyway. Bella would definitely be explaining this shit to me when we got back.

"Oh," I said since I couldn't come up with anything else. "Okay. As long as you're better."

"I am." I felt Nessie's soft lips brush my skin. "Thank you for being so sweet with me, Jake."

I looked down to see Nessie's face tilted up towards me in that way that I had come to learn meant she wanted a kiss. I pressed a soft one to her much more soft lips.

Nessie pulled back and smiled, the first real one today, I think.

"Now where's my burger?"

My body sagged with relief that it was over with. For now, at least.

Besides that, though, things were good. We still stuttered and got nervous and Nessie still blushed all the time, but that was just a part of it, I reckon. And it was happening a lot less now.

I had developed a system.

I didn't feel shy to kiss Nessie at all now, but that was kind of working against me. From the second we walked into the hotel room, I was dying to kiss her. To lie her against the bed and run my hands over her body and press my lips to hers. Not resurface for the rest of the night.

Which was nice and fine and generally came eventually. But I couldn't be on Nessie all the time. I knew guys, I mean, their hormones were stronger and everything. I knew that Nessie wouldn't want me on her as much as I wanted to be, and I understood that.

This understanding brought me to the system. When we got into the hotel in the afternoon or night, I had to wait an hour. One hour before I kissed her. Enough time for us to eat, relax, wind down a little. Because even a small kiss would end with us on the bed and I wouldn't put all that on my Ness.

But sometimes, I uh . . . slipped up.

It all had to do with how ridiculously sexy Nessie was being. I knew it wasn't her fault, that she didn't even realize she was doing it, but there was no denying that she was. And tonight, she started driving me insane from the very beginning.

She started off by doing this thing she'd been doing lately where, instead of sitting in my lap (my new favorite place for her to be now that she was allowed again), she'd walk out of her way to my side of the bed to crawl over me to act like she wanted to sit beside me.

I knew my girl too well. I knew exactly where she wanted to be, so I always pulled her back to sit between my legs. She rested back against my chest and rested her arms on my thighs. Her fingers started playing with the ripples in my sweatpants. That was the start of it.

Then, well, I admit I didn't exactly help the situation. Her hair had been up all day and I missed seeing it down, so I pulled it out of its bun and let it flow down her shoulder. Ran my fingers through it. I swear I hadn't thought about the fact that I'd be brushing her breast with every pass beforehand though. I swear.

Then Nessie had to reach back and touch my stomach. I don't know what it was, might've been that it was so close to little Jake, but every time Nessie touched my stomach it unlocked that box inside of me way faster than anything else did. Well, almost anything else.

Then Nessie started doing that amazing-ass thing with her fingernails on my arm. After a minute, though, she started just using her fingertips which was just as amazing.

But that wasn't all. The final nail in my coffin was when she started showing me stuff - stuff she didn't know I was seeing.

First I felt/heard her thinking about the movie we went to last week. Yeah, I finally took her. How it had felt to sit beside me and it felt surprisingly like how I'd felt sitting beside her. Excited, nervous, wanting to touch but not sure if you were allowed.

Then she started thinking about the most uncomfortable part of the movie.

There had been a love scene. No - not even a love scene, a sex scene. A fuck scene, really. I don't even remember what or where or why or how, I was too focused on Nessie, but I do remember how Nessie's breath caught when the guy came up and caught the woman from behind.

And you know me, I had to imagine doing the same to Ness. But the thing was, it didn't stop there. The woman ended up bent over the desk with her skirt up on her waist while the guy practically fucking drilled her from behind.

That shit had _not _been in the warning. How could they even put something like that in a normal movie?

And Nessie's heart was fucking freaking out. Tha-thump. Tha-thump. Tha-thump.

Nessie was thinking about that now. But I didn't see some action star and some supermodel, it was better. Better than a supermodel.

I saw my girl. I saw her imagine herself standing there, in a room just like the one in the movie, and I saw myself come up behind her. I grabbed her, pressing myself against her back roughly and she turned her head back to kiss me. Hard, rough, fast. Passionate.

Good thing Nessie's back wasn't against my hips right about now.

Nessie thought about what it would be like to kiss me now, without facing me.

Then she kept going with that fucking scene. It was all I could do not to groan as I saw myself run my hand up her stomach to grasp her breast, knead it in my palm. I saw Nessie's hips arch against me and while I was imagining how it would feel to have her grind on me like that, I was feeling how _she _imagined it would feel.

Completely different. Just as amazing.

I knew I shouldn't intrude on Nessie's inner thoughts like this, her fantasies. I had no right to look, even when she was showing me, when I knew she didn't mean to. But it just looked _so_ _damn good_.

My stomach tightened harder than it ever had before when I knew the desk part was coming up. I wanted to see where Nessie's mind would take us. Little Jake did too.

I kneeled down behind her like the guy in the movie and slid my hand up her thigh, under the skirt and then the image abruptly cut off. Not from the loss of the connection, though, but because Nessie stopped the fantasy there. I felt her embarrassment and shame like it was my own. Probably because it was.

But Nessie - she wanted to try that. Kissing without facing each other, just like we were now. And I was - I was more than happy to do that for her. Black family rule number one and all.

I moved slow, hoping I could get through this without Nessie realizing what I'd seen. I didn't want to embarrass her. I wrapped one of my arms around her tiny waist, closing her in against me. I fought my body for control and won. Somehow.

I slid my other hand that had been in her hair up to the opposite side of her neck and titled her head to face me. I knew Nessie wanted this. Her racing heart and fast breath and dark eyes told me that. I wasn't afraid of her rejection.

I leaned down, slowly, to her lips. If she wanted to try this, we would, but I wouldn't treat her like that guy in the movie. I would never be rough with her.

When I was almost to my goal, she breathed my name. "Did you - did you see - ?"

Shit. Caught out.

I nodded, not going to lie.

"Don't be angry." Please. "I wasn't trying to see, it just - "

"I'm not angry." Thank God.

"You - you wanted . . . to try this, right?"

She nodded, he cheeks flaming pink. "But you don't have to - "

Don't have to. Don't have to like it was some kind of sacrifice on my part.

"I want to." Want doesn't even begin to cover it.

And then I was kissing her.

It was nice - amazing, of course - although not as comfortable. I took my arm from around her waist and used that hand to slide up her stomach and cup her breast. Damn, that girl never wore a bra in the hotel anymore. I kneaded the softness in my hand gently and Nessie arched against me. She moaned and then so did I.

Damn.

The fingers of one of Nessie's hands was clutching my thigh and her other reached up to where I was touching her, urging me to press harder.

Nessie kept arching her back against me, pressing her breast further into my hand and bringing her hips dangerously close to mine. That wouldn't be good - not right now. So I finally let her go, releasing her lips from mine and taking my hand off her neck and she turned back to face forward.

Now for her neck.

I kissed her slowly, around the sides and back of it and she rolled her head to accommodate wherever my mouth went.

I liked this. I - I missed facing her, but this was good. I felt . . . in control. Dominant. Nessie was putting her self in a vulnerable position because she trusted me to take care of her, and well - that was just fucking mind-blowing.

I was surprised to feel Nessie pushing on my arm. I loosened my grip, about to ask her what was wrong, but she had already turned in my arms and crawled up into my lap, connecting our lips again. My hands immediately moved to her hips. In our last few weeks together, I'd allowed myself this progression but that was all. Not the one I wanted most. I don't think I'd be able to control myself if I had that in my hands.

And besides, Nessie's hips were already fucking amazing.

Things escalated pretty fast from there. I couldn't help it - Nessie was being too damn good. Kissing me like she was and pressing herself up against me. Then she started rocking her hips, just a little, once every couple of seconds.

I should have stopped her there - I really should have. I always did before. It was irresponsible of me to let her keep going, but I did because it just felt so good. Her scent and her body and how much she wanted me, it was all so good, even though I was sure Nessie didn't know what it meant.

Her body - I know her body wanted it, but I didn't know what Nessie knew about sex or how it worked or how she felt about it as far as we went. If she'd even thought about it. I couldn't just let her keep leading herself blind, when she might not even know what she was pushing for.

As far as I could figure, Nessie didn't even know what she was doing. She just knew that it felt good. And feel good it did.

Then I messed up. I let her overwhelmingness, well . . . overwhelm me. She rocked her hips forward into mine and I, instinctively, brought mine up to meet hers.

I wasn't prepared for the jolt of pleasure that would cause and I definitely wasn't prepared for Nessie's reaction. Wasn't prepared for Nessie to gasp against my mouth and throw herself at me harder, her hips nearly grinding against mine.

I immediately tightened my grip on her, stopping that. I - I couldn't. Nessie didn't know what she was doing. I didn't know what I was doing.

We had to talk about this. Now.

Shit. We had to have the sex talk.

* * *

**Coming up:**

Finally, when I was face to face with the door, the angle changed, and suddenly I was seeing inside.

Seeing myself.

My stomach immediately went back into knots as I realized what I was seeing. What Nessie had seen. She had seen, that day she had _seen. _

I couldn't move, I could barely think and I definitely couldn't face Nessie so I sat silently while the scene continued to play out. I saw myself through the fogged up, fake-glass door, naked as the day I was born. Thankfully, the fog blurred most of the details.

But not the major one. You could still see what I was doing.


	27. Thank God For Steam

**_A/N:_** Kay, y'all: here's this. I'm sure it'll be overshadowed by the big chapter going on over at _HoM_ but that's okay. It deserves some spotlight - I worked hard on it. I did work hard on this too though so your thoughts would be much appreciated. Poor Jake - he gets put through the wringer in my stories. Skedaddle (oh my God, spell-check actually says that's a word!) on over to _HoM_ when you're done with this to see him finally get his. Go Jake!

So, um . . . yeah.

**_Disclaimer:_** Once again, not mine. Also, once again, not a guy. Many mistakes and discrepancies can be explained this way.

**_

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_**

Thank God For Steam (Sorry For Being Jealous Earlier)

* * *

_hey editor, i'm undeniable  
hey doctor, i'm certifiable_

_- fall out boy, disloyal order of water buffaloes_

-

"I don't want to make you uncomfortable," I was saying now, even though I knew that was pretty much unavoidable. I had told Nessie we needed to talk and now she was sitting beside me, legs crossed, eyes wide. She let me take her hand. "And we can do this however is easier for you, if it's easier to . . . show me, with your gift, or just tell me but . . . "

I pushed my hair back. Squeezed Nessie's hand. Let a deep breath out.

How did people talk about stuff like this?

"Nessie, how much do you know about sex?"

Well, hell. I guess like that.

Nessie's expression was completely unreadable. Even for me. Fuck. "I know . . . enough."

This was going to be harder than I thought if Nessie was going to close off to me.

"I know this is embarrassing, Ness, and that you'd much rather talk about this with Bella or Alice or . . . or God forbid, even Blondie."

I was happy to see Nessie snort a little at my half-assed attempt at humor. You know, lighten things up. A little.

"And I know you probably would, if they were here." If you could pull them off their respective vampires long enough to. "But they're not, and we started this . . . relationship in a hurry and you don't . . . have anybody to talk to or to . . . explain anything to you or - and besides, it's important that we can talk about this kind of stuff anyway."

I want you to talk to me about any kind of stuff, Nessie. All kinds. No hiding, remember?

"I'm rambling here, Ness, but . . . I can tell that you're - your body wants more but that's hormones, it's part of being a teenager, and I just want to make sure you're . . . fully aware."

"Fully aware of what?" Of course. Of course Nessie would ask that question.

"You keep . . . pushing for more, Nessie, and . . . I'm not sure if you understand what you're pushing towards."

"Well . . . " My stomach tightened into a knot, and not the good kind. "I know that I want you . . . like that, and I'm not sure I understand everything but - can't we just - it doesn't - "

She cut herself off, looking frustrated.

"Tell me, Nessie, it's okay." No hiding. "Don't be embarrassed with me, please."

"You know more about . . . this stuff than me, Jake." Not by much, honey. "But just because - I mean, just because I want more than to . . . to kiss you, does that mean we have to have sex?"

For a second, I was frozen in shock. Did she - did she think I - ? That I just wanted sex? That that was what this conversation was about?

"No!" I gripped her hand hard, tried to put all my honesty into the one word. "Nessie, don't - don't ever think that you - we never _have_ to do _anything_. This is entirely about you, what you need, what's best for you."

I can live with whatever you want. I was ready to live without you, once, when I thought that was want you wanted.

"It's about you too, though." I could see the look on Nessie's face that told me she was about to say something I wouldn't like very much. "You're . . . in this relationship too. And you're . . . older than me, and you've - you've been waiting - "

She cut off again and again, I was shocked.

She thought she what, owed me something? Owed me sex for waiting on her to grow up?

I would _not_ let her think that.

"Nessie." Her eyes shot up at the Alpha-voice. "Stop that right now. I love you, and I love . . . being with you, but I won't let you do this. If you keep pushing because you think it's what I want, then I won't - I can't - "

I can't kiss you like this. Touch you like this.

Nessie's eyes did that thing I hadn't seen in awhile and hoped I'd never have to see again. The light dropped out.

"You'll . . . leave me?"

What - no - leave her? Me? Me, leave her? Is that what she thought I meant?

God, I fucked everything up.

"No, Nessie, never." I immediately pulled her into my arms, needing to feel her again, and she let me. I kissed her hair. "I'll never leave you as long as you want me. But I can't . . . I won't be able to . . . to kiss you and touch you like this if I think you're only pushing it because you think it's what I want."

Nessie pulled away from my chest to look at me, the light back. "But I don't - I mean, I'm not. You saw . . . how I feel. That night, outside the restaurant."

A wave of . . . I don't even know what it was passed over me as I remembered that night. When I'd finally seen how much Nessie wanted me. Still wanted me.

"I know I did."

"I just meant, that does it have to be one or the other? Can't we just . . . go until we want to and then stop there?"

But I never want to stop, Nessie. That's the problem.

"But I'm not sure you even know what you're saying, Ness," I said instead. "I know you know about sex, at least the basics, and what we're doing now, but . . . what do you mean by that?"

There are so many things between kissing and sex and I don't know if you know about any of them.

"I don't know." That's what I thought, honey. "I love kissing you and touching you and . . . having you touch me. And I don't understand but I want you to teach me, to lead me, and not worry that you're pushing me too far." My stomach clenched at 'lead me'. "I don't know what's in between, okay? I didn't know I wanted you to touch me like that until you did it, or hold me like you did today until I saw it in the movie because I've never seen it before. And I promise that I'll stop you when I want you to stop, Jacob, I swear I will - I just, every time I touch you or kiss you, my body starts going insane and even though I know what it is now, it doesn't help because I don't know how to fix it."

Nessie just told me a lot, but something stuck out.

"Fix what?"

Her cheeks flushed. "My . . . the - you know."

"I don't, Ness," I said, completely honestly.

"I can show you," she said, lifting her hand as if for evidence. "But you have to promise not to get angry."

Angry? With her?

"I won't," I promised.

"I didn't know what was wrong, or else - or else i wouldn't have - "

I don't know what Nessie was trying to rationalize to me, but it wasn't important. She was always blaming herself for things that weren't her fault. "Just show me, Nessie."

Nessie reached up and placed her small palm to my cheek, but the image or feeling didn't immediately come like it always did. Everything stayed blank for a second before the connection came wrenching open.

I saw the bathroom door of the hotel room I'd never forget as long as I lived and felt anxiety and worry. Fear. The bathroom slowly drew closer as I assume Nessie walked towards it.

Finally, when I was face to face with the door, the angle changed, and suddenly I was seeing inside.

Seeing myself.

My stomach immediately went back into knots as I realized what I was seeing. What Nessie had seen. She had seen, that day she had _seen. _

I couldn't move, I could barely think and I definitely couldn't face Nessie so I sat silently while the scene continued to play out. I saw myself through the fogged up, fake-glass door, naked as the day I was born. Thankfully, the fog blurred most of the details.

But not the major one. You could still see what I was doing.

I felt confusion, Nessie's as she watched me and . . . and desire too. I felt the urge for her hand to creep down her stomach, felt her ball it into a tiny fist so it wouldn't. Felt her squeeze her thighs together.

I watched, shame building in my stomach, not wanting to but unable to break the connection when that would mean having to face Nessie.

I remembered everything that day so clearly, every second in the shower still etched clearer than clear in my mind but not from this perspective. I watched as my head rolled back and I moaned, something Nessie heard very plainly, even over the running water.

I felt the understanding light up in her, although not all of it. Just the awareness that this - that what I was doing - felt good. Was pleasurable. That it was something she shouldn't be watching, something private. I also felt the desire come roaring up inside her, even though she didn't understand.

It was so messed up, because I knew the other side. While I was seeing what she saw, I was also remembering what I had done. I felt her internal struggle the entire time she stood there, knowing she should leave but that being the last thing she wanted to do.

Finally, I saw my back arch and thanked God the fogged up door didn't make it as graphic as I remembered it. Everything was foggy, vague. I felt as Nessie watched in . . . awe. Beautiful.

Her thoughts, not mine. Beautiful.

That's why I had been able to smell her - she had taken me over the edge that day, and she didn't even know it.

She also noted how my body relaxed, sagged almost. How the tension, the tightness of before was gone. The line of my arm reached down to cut off the water and the image disappeared.

Nessie's face broke through into the forefront of my mind. I could hardly even look at her, I was so ashamed of myself. But I would - I deserved it.

I just - I just couldn't believe that she'd - that she'd seen. I should have heard her - I did smell her but I hadn't recognized it.

I focused back in on my Ness's face, her beautiful eyes that were wide with . . . fear?

"God, Nessie, I'm so sorry." What else was there to say? What else was there to do besides get down on my knees and beg her to forgive me? I had no right, no right to do that with her so close. "Did you really see - ?"

She nodded and I felt my face flame red. I knew she had, but -

"I didn't meant to. I know I should have left right away, but the only reason I looked at all is because I thought you were hurt."

What? She was rationalizing to me?

"I can't believe I - you must think I'm - "

"I don't think you're anything, Jacob. Except amazing." What? "I just . . . I don't understand."

"What?" No, Nessie, I don't understand.

"I don't . . . understand. I get the why, and the how . . . sort of." It looked like she'd seen the how pretty damn well. "It's the . . . what that I don't get, I guess."

What was my girl asking of me? I scrubbed a hand over my face and through my hair and tried to gather my thoughts.

"You want me to - explain it to you?" Please say no.

"Not exactly." Thank God. "I just - it helps, right?"

"Helps?" It didn't help very much if it got me into this damn situation.

"With this." She gestured to us. "It makes it easier, right?"

"Yeah," I finally got out. "It helps."

"Can girls do it?"

If I'd had a drink in my mouth, I would have spit it out. "What?"

"Is there any way for girls to . . . you know, do that." I couldn't even wrap my mind around what she was asking me. "I mean, it's not the same obviously, but . . . with the same result."

I - I didn't even know what to do. My girl was asking me how to . . . to do that. And I didn't know what to do - I'd never gotten a girl off, how could I teach her how to do it herself?

And how could I sit here thinking about this without losing my mind and showing myself for the animal I really was?

I forced the memory Nessie passed me before, about her fingers wanting to trip down her stomach, straight out of my mind.

"There is," I forced out. "But I don't know . . . how, or - or anything."

"Oh."

Nessie's face dropped, the smallest bit. She was disappointed. Despite my embarrassment and shame and all the rest of it, I didn't want my girl to be disappointed. Or frustrated.

"Is it that bad, Nessie?"

Her cheeks went damn near red, but she nodded.

"Maybe . . . we should stop. For a little while."

"No!" Nessie exclaimed, shocking me. "The only thing that would be worse than dealing with it is having to stop altogether."

Oh, my girl.

So stopping wasn't an option. But -

"And you're serious? About stopping me when you feel like you need to?"

"Yes."

"And you really trust me to . . . to lead you?" God.

"Of course," she breathed. "Of course I do, Jacob."

Damn.

"I don't know much more than you." The only extra I know is from being a dirty-minded male connected to countless other dirty male minds for the past eight years. "I'm not an expert or anything . . . I mean, you're the only . . . woman I've ever even touched . . . like that."

And the only one I ever will.

"But you're the Alpha," she said, teasing a little. Trying to lighten the situation, make me more comfortable. My girl. "Aren't you good at leading people?"

"Yeah, I guess I am." I very firmly tried and failed to keep my mind off just how amazing it was that my Nessie wanted me to lead her.

Nessie smiled a little and sat up on her knees, joining our lips. I was so glad - so, so glad everything worked out. I didn't want to let go of her lips when she pulled away.

"So . . . is everything okay?"

"As long as you are." You should know that by now. "Are you okay, Ness?"

"I'm always better than okay with you." She rolled her eyes, like it was obvious. "I keep waiting for you to get that."

I reached out and pulled her into my arms and she went. I needed to make sure.

"And you really want me to . . . initiate - things?"

"I just want you to do whatever is natural." No, Nessie, you definitely don't. My natural instincts would have you naked and under me right now. "I want you to do what you feel like doing - I don't want you to hide any part of yourself from me, Jacob, and I do . . . want you to . . . show me how."

"How?"

"To be with you. To be . . . together."

"Nessie, it's not school, you don't - have lessons - "

"I know that," she cut me off. "You know what I mean."

I think I did. Even though I was working blind, I would definitely try. For her.

"Okay, Ness." I felt her smile against my chest. "We'll . . . work on it, all right?"

"Okay." She buried her face in my chest.

"But slow," I stipulated.

"Slow is fine."

"I love you." Forever.

"I love you too, Jake." I loved when she called me Jake.

"I'm going to take care of you," I promised her. "Forever, in every way. Even - even if you don't want me anymore, I'll still take care of you." Please want me forever.

Nessie pushed herself off my chest to glare at me. "I really wish you'd stop saying stuff like that. I really wish you'd just - trust me when I say that I love you and will never, ever be without you."

"I just want you to know you have the option," I said, instead of crushing her in my arms. Her words felt so good. "That you don't have to - "

"I know that," she cut me off again. "I know that even though you love me to the point where it hurts, you would never force me to stay and that's only another reason I love you so much I can't see. I'm your imprint, Jake, your perfect match. That means you're mine too."

I couldn't even say anything.

"You're - you're mine, Jacob, just like I'm yours." Ah. "You're my imprint, my protector, my best friend, and . . . and more." Definitely more. "I don't even know what to call you but mine."

Hers. I was hers.

Without giving myself time to even think, I leaned down and caught her lips with mine. Nessie immediately wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me closer - my stomach tightened at what it implied. She wanted me closer, closer to her.

Because I was hers.

I finally had gotten my fill enough to pull back. It was hard. I kept our lips touching.

"I wish I could do what you do, Ness." I wish I could funnel everything I feel, all the joy you bring me, straight into your heart. "I wish I could show you how I feel so you'd know - how much - how - "

"You do, Jacob." Her soft hand left my neck to stroke my cheek. "You show me all the time."

"Really?"

"When you kiss me, I can feel it." She kissed me like it was proving her point. "And when you touch me. Even the way you say my name makes me shiver with how much love I hear in it."

"You're perfect," burst out of me before I could stop it. Not that I would have.

"You're going to give me a complex if you keep telling me that." She smiled though, shy.

"I can't help it." With you I can never help it, Ness. "I think it every time I look at you and I just have to say it."

"Yeah?" Since we were just talking about progressing slowly, I decided it was all right to pull her back into my lap. "What else do you think?"

Ah, a game. I loved these.

"Beautiful," I said and Nessie flushed. See, beautiful. "Smart, funny, sweet as candy, and utterly, ridiculously . . . "

Was it too much?

"What?"

"Hot." Boiling, sizzling, lava-incineratingly, leaving trails of disaster in your wake hot.

Nessie kissed me and then whispered against my lips, "You're hot too, Jake."

"It comes of being a werewolf," I joked instead of doing what I really wanted. Damn. "Extreme body temperature and all."

"You know that's not what I meant."

This girl, this beautiful, amazing, crazy girl was so cute when she was trying to be stern.

"Oh?" I pulled her even closer, bowing her body against mine. "What did you mean then?

Was it wrong that I just wanted to hear her say it?

"What did you mean?"

See now I had no problem saying it.

"Well, I meant that you're amazingly sexy." Your hair, your eyes, your body. Hell, even your feet. "But I wasn't sure that was what you had meant."

Nessie gave that new smile that I still wasn't tired of seeing.

"It was." She kissed me again. Her lips were amazing. "You are amazingly sexy, Jacob. Head-spinningly, stomach clenchingly, drive-me-crazy-without-even-knowing-it-sexy."

It was amazing, the power and pride that built up inside me at those words. The lust. Sexy. I never had self-confidence issues or anything, but to hear my girl, _my girl_, say it like that - well, wow.

I kissed her this time, harder and longer than the other kisses before it. She was unbelievable.

"All of that?"

"All of it and more." And then she arched her back into my hands. "You know that. You saw it."

"I did." But it's different to hear you say it. Better. I remembered everything she'd shown me. "That was literally the best thing I've ever seen."

"Which part?" She asked, her eyes lit up.

Another game?

"The dreams were good." Fucking amazing actually. I dropped my head down to kiss her soft neck. "And the . . . hair thing was cool, since I love yours so much. And - and how you - when you think about me, you want to - "

Touch yourself.

I could think it, but not say it. Even the thought was enough to make me hard, if I let it.

Then, "Do you think about me?"

Fuck. Of course I do, honey.

I - I knew what she meant. I could tell by the pink in her cheeks. But I still said, "I always think about you, Ness."

"No." I could hear Nessie's heart galloping in her chest. "When you - do that - what do you think about?"

I remembered that first time after we'd been running, the morning before everything, and the few times after it the last few weeks. All the times before it back home.

Of course Nessie had been front and center of every fantasy, even back when just the thought of kissing her lips had been enough to send me over.

I didn't need to tell her that, but I couldn't lie to my girl.

"I think about you." Kissing you, touching you - and lately, making love to you. "Is that - okay?"

I expected her to say yes, I was ready for her to say no. But I definitely, definitely wasn't ready for what happened to happen.

For Nessie's scent to . . . to come roaring up. Strong, potent, unbearable need. Calling to me. Begging me to sate it.

It was almost like the first time all over again. My girl needed me - she needed me to take care of her. She didn't - she didn't need to learn how to take care of herself when I could do it for her.

I didn't know how, but I would find out. My body would tell me. And she needed it - my Ness needed it. Needed me to lay her back on the bed and kiss her, touch her.

Undress her. Kiss and lick down every inch of her body until she was writhing in pleasure.

Mate with her.

I held my breath and begged for control.

* * *

**Coming up:**

She was bent over her bag, rifling through it. And she was in a towel. A thin, tiny-ass towel.

My eyes were glued to her, my heart was in my throat and my blood . . . well, it wasn't in my brain.

She - she just looked so . . . fine. I'd never seen her this close to naked. Her body was glorious. The towel hardly covered any of her smooth white legs or her shoulders, which were bare. Her skin was so beautiful.

She leant down a little further to reach something from the very bottom of her bag, her curls spilling over her shoulder. The towel was damp and clung to her body, her breasts, her hips. Her . . . her ass.

God, her ass looked good in that towel.


	28. Say What Now?

**_A/N:_** So? I enjoy this and I hope you do too - there are a lot of lines in here that I'm proud, for making me giggle or otherwise. It's not extraordinary but I like it. I do enjoy the ending and the quote an awful lot - it's one I've been saving in my quote folder since the beginning of_ HoM_ but just now found a place for it.

Um, besides that there's nothing much really to say. Oh, I guess I'll take another few lines to continue to pimp myself out - keep adding me on twitter and keep checking out **Alphas and Imprints**! Um, yeah. :)

**_Disclaimer:_** I don't own it and I'm trying to type this and listen to the VMAs at the same time so my concentration's definitely split. Kanye West just doesn't _want_ people to like him, does he?

**

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Say What Now?

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**

_hey silly girl, i think i got a thing for you  
from late nights spent driving in this stolen car_

_- +44, cliff diving_

-

I turned over onto my stomach and pillowed my head on my arms, sighing with relief. After a good run of fuck-ups, things finally seemed to be going good with me.

I controlled myself. I didn't jump my girl - I got her off me and we talked, albeit awkwardly as hell, and she understood. And I controlled myself.

Even when she was smelling more delicious than any scent on the planet. That was just how much I loved her.

She had been embarrassed at first, that I could smell her arousal, how much she wanted me but she seemed to get over it. She understood that it made being with her a little harder and she - except for one scary, tempting moment where she asked me to just give in to my wolf-instincts - accepted it. Especially once I explained to her the difference between the wolf-instincts and the human ones.

The human ones that wanted Nessie's first time to be special and magical and beautiful and the wolf ones that just wanted to charge into that bathroom and take her up against the shower wall.

Shit. That was not a mental image I needed first thing in the morning when I was trying to exercise self-control.

And after it all, Nessie had curled up into my side and thanked me for talking to her. I don't know what flipped on the switchboard of my fate but things finally seemed to be going right and I wasn't about to question it.

Then, this morning, nothing was even awkward. Even after everything.

I laid there, kinda fading in and out of sleep for a good minute while Nessie had her shower. Yeah, and on top of all of that, the little pixie had just called and given us five days. Five, after weeks of doing two days at a time. Since we were in no hurry now, I wanted to try and find an auto shop to get some stuff to work on the car with. We'd been running her pretty hard lately, and besides, I kinda missed it.

Then I heard Nessie's light footsteps, opened my eyes, and dropped my jaw.

She was bent over her bag, rifling through it. And she was in a towel. A thin, tiny-ass towel.

My eyes were glued to her, my heart was in my throat and my blood . . . well, it wasn't in my brain.

She - she just looked so . . . fine. I'd never seen her this close to naked. Her body was glorious. The towel hardly covered any of her smooth white legs or her shoulders, which were bare. Her skin was so beautiful.

She leant down a little further to reach something from the very bottom of her bag, her curls spilling over her shoulder. The towel was damp and clung to her body, her breasts, her hips. Her . . . her ass.

God, her ass looked good in that towel.

I watched a drop of water trail down from the back of her neck, down her back, between her shoulder blades until it finally disappeared into the towel.

Guess I could just go ahead and add towel to the list of irrational things I was jealous of.

Nessie pulled a tiny pair of purple panties and a black bra from her bag, and my eyes flitted from her body to them momentarily. Wondering how they'd look on her. When I dragged my eyes back up to her face, I found her watching me.

Shit. Caught again.

"Hey," Nessie said quietly, her cheeks turning pink.

"Hey," I returned, since I didn't know what to say.

"I - I thought you had went back to sleep." She reached out with her arm, drawing it away from the knot at the front of the towel that held it on before she snatched it back. "I didn't want to wake you to ask you to bring my bag."

Once this message had been received by my brain, delayed by the lack of blood flow in the rest of my body to carry it there, I realized that probably meant she didn't want me gawking at her like a pervert.

"I'm sorry. Do you want me to - to look away or - ?"

Nessie laughed, her shoulders shaking slightly and doing wonderful things to her body. "No, that doesn't make any sense, Jake. I'll just get my clothes and go change."

"You can change here," I decided, jumping out of the bed quickly. I angled my body carefully so she hopefully wouldn't notice the affect her gorgeousness had on me. "I'll go shower now."

I reached over her and grabbed my bag and had almost made it to the bathroom before her voice stopped me.

"Hey, Jake." I turned my torso towards her only. Watched a curl fall forward onto her towel. "What did Alice say?"

"Oh." I had to actually shake my head to clear it. "She gave us five days - I guess they're gaining on him, or at least have got him running."

"Oh. Okay."

So I went, pushing the bathroom door halfway to. Wasn't sure if I'd be able to resist little Jake's screaming after that little incident. And combined with all that went on last night?

I actually was able to resist, but only by speed-showering, Any longer along and I wouldn't have been able to resist the allure of closing my eyes and imagining how last night would have gone if I hadn't been able to control my wolf and Nessie hadn't cared.

Nessie was dressed and brushing her hair when I got back out. I asked Nessie if she was cool with staying here another night and she said she was. Then she asked to brush my hair.

It had to have been one of the single best things I've ever experienced. I hardly ever used a brush in my hair, but I don't think that was it - it had to have been that it was Nessie's hand guiding the brush. She sat in front of me while she did it, pulling the brush through it in long strokes that made me want to close my eyes and fall back asleep if it weren't for the fact that I needed to watch her eyes.

Then she dropped the brush and buried her fingers in my hair, running them through. I suddenly didn't care so much about working on the car anymore. She removed her fingers pretty quick, blushing I guess since it looked like she hadn't been planning on that last part. I didn't mind.

"All - all done," she muttered, not looking at me.

I kissed her once, chastely, lips closed, as thanks. Any more wouldn't be good for me. Or maybe too good for me.

I thanked her verbally too and ran my fingers through my hair before I pulled it back, using the band that was usually around my wrist. I remembered as I did it how Nessie had shown me how much she liked it when I did that - I smirked when I saw her watching from the corner of my eye. I didn't see what she found so attractive about it but I wasn't about to complain.

We ended up eating burgers and finding an auto shop that had pretty much everything I needed. Nessie didn't have anything else she wanted to do so we headed back to the hotel for me to work on the car.

I spent a good bit of the day doing that. It really didn't need much work besides an oil change and the tires rotated but I messed with it for half the afternoon anyway. It felt good to do something normal.

It was hot as hell though, so I ended up taking off my shirt and sticking it in my back pocket. All for the better, since I'd probably end up ruining it if I left it on for much longer.

Nessie watched me from the steps, but since I couldn't see her from there I was disappointed. I mean, I kinda wished she would sit out in the sun even though I couldn't ask her to do that even if she didn't burn. I just loved the way her skin looked in the sun and I just didn't get to see that so much back in Forks.

I about jumped through my skin when I heard Nessie's quiet voice right behind me ask, "Whatcha doin'?"

"Just changing the oil," I told her, wiping my greasy hands off on my jeans. You know, so I wouldn't get grease on Nessie. Just in case. You never know what might happen.

"I thought you already did that."

"I checked the brakes." Silly Nessie. Girl was a genius but she didn't know a damn thing about cars.

"Oh." Nessie was quiet for a second, her eyes stuck on my chest. "Are - are hot? Do you need a drink or something?"

"I'm fine." I was, but if she was asking me if I was hot, I was probably sweaty so I pulled my shirt from my pocket and wiped my face and chest with it. I was pretty sure sweat wasn't too attractive.

Nessie took a step closer to me. "How much more do you have to do?"

"To tell you the truth, I'm pretty much done after I change the oil," I confessed, sticking my shirt back in my pocket. "I just haven't messed with any cars for awhile and I kind of miss it."

"Oh, well don't let me keep you." She was so sweet. "I'm just - watching."

"Are you bored?" I didn't want her to just have to sit and watch me play with cars all day.

"No, no." She shook her head. "I . . . like watching you work."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." Her cheeks went pink. "So . . . why don't you show me what you're doing?"

Nessie had never asked me that before. Not since she was really little and we'd found out quick she didn't have an interest in it like I did. She always sat and watched me work though, handed me things when I asked for them.

Even though I was pretty sure she was doing it just to be nice, it was an excuse to be closer to her so I snapped it up. I showed her how to do a full tune-up, since it was important she knew how anyway. I mean, I wasn't sure exactly where Nessie'd be broken down without me, but like Billy'd told the twins, girls needed to know this stuff.

But if there were any flat tires, _I'd _be changing them.

Nessie's face progressively got more and more vacant as I explained and I knew I would have to cut it off soon. Her eyes were never on what I was showing her - they were on me. My hair, my eyes or my mouth. It made it damn hard to concentrate.

I glanced back at her from the engine to see her pulling that perfect lip across her teeth again, her eyes fixed on my neck. Damn.

Time to wrap it up.

"And that's how you do it." No response. "Nessie?"

"Yeah?" I saw her shake her head as I pulled her back into reality. I wonder what she was thinking about . . . "Mm. Oh, okay."

My girl hadn't heard a damn thing.

"You didn't hear me, did you?" I called her out, smiling so she'd know I didn't care.

Her face got the tiniest bit ashamed. "Sorry."

"It's okay, Ness. I can't expect everyone to care about cars as much as I do." Besides, you're too damn cute to get mad at.

"I want to, though," she pressed. "I do want to know about things that make you happy."

"You make me happier than any car could." I reached out to draw her into my arms out of habit before I realized I probably stunk. "You probably don't want to hug me until I've got a shower, huh?"

Nessie shook her head fiercely and reached for me. "I don't care. I don't care at all."

God.

"I'm sweaty, though," I warned her. "And I probably stink."

"You don't stink." She stepped forward and took my hand. "And sweaty I don't mind."

Oh, fuck. I think that girl actually made me turn pink.

But I pulled her into my arms anyway. She felt so good against me as she leaned into my chest, pressing her face into my skin. Her scent, sweet and clean, surrounded me. Even without the extra kick, it was perfect. I wanted her so bad.

Then she tilted her head up to look at me, her lips brushing my chest - and I _needed_ her.

I twirled my fingers around a curl hanging over my hand on her waist and looked down at her, perfect and amazing and tried to control myself. I wanted her so, so bad and I think - I think she wanted me too.

And even though I'd seen her dreams and fantasies, the hood of the car in broad daylight just wouldn't do.

Nessie's eyes honed in on my mouth and her teeth pulled her lip back between them again.

But I needed to do something.

"Do you - do you want to go back inside, Ness?"

Nessie's eyes darkened, just a little, and she shivered in my arms. Then she nodded.

Yes.

I let her go and stepped back from her. "Okay, let me just - lock up the car and get my stuff."

Nessie nodded and walked back to our hotel room and I just had to watch her leave. A knot of nerves settled itself into my stomach.

I was nervous. Why? I had kissed Nessie a thousand times but it had never been quite like this, planned out - stated. Nessie knew what I wanted and she agreed and now she was in there just _waiting _for me and I - God.

I locked the car up fast as hell, throwing my shit into the trunk and slamming the hood. I clicked the lock and restrained myself from heading back into the room at a run, my blood pounding in my head like a pulse.

Nessie was standing with her back to me when once I got inside, swinging the door shut behind me and for a second I just froze. Even from the back she was stunning: her hair, the line of her waist and the curve of her ass. Perfection.

And mine.

My control broke and a second later, I had her in my arms and against my lips. I lifted her into my arms, straight off the ground, and kissed her. Kissed her like I never had before - we'd had our share of passionate kisses in the past few weeks but none of them had been like this.

Nessie drew her legs up around my back and locked them around me, holding herself tight against me and I knew that my legs were going to give soon from pure lust. She nipped at my lips and I lost it, kissing her even harder with one thought in my mind.

No, two thoughts.

Bed, and more.

I slid my hand to her hips and started walking us in the direction of the bed. I ended up walking straight into it, jolting both of us and making me laugh at my own stupidity and happiness right about now. Nessie clutched me harder to her when I lowered us down on the bed and I wasn't complaining.

And then I was on top of her, and it was perfect.

I loved holding her, but laying with her was a thousand times better. I could feel every curve of her body, pressed under mine, and my hands were free to touch. I loved to touch.

Nessie did too apparently because her hands kept rubbing across my chest, her fingernails catching my nipples and making me hiss and my stomach clench. Intentionally, I knew. Because I knew my girl.

I buried one hand in her curls and kept the other one on her hip. Nessie unhooked her legs from around my waist but arched her back when she did it, bringing her hips up into my stomach. Shit.

I shifted, making sure my hips were pushed firmly into the bed under Nessie's and not touching her body in any way. I wasn't sure how long could hold off my body's reaction.

Nessie and I had talked about - about me leading her, right? Last night? About progressing slowly?

I slid my fingertips under the hem of her shirt to touch the soft skin underneath and fought a losing battle with little Jake. Was this okay?

I think it was, because Nessie gasped into my mouth and rolled her hips forward into my stomach, the movement sliding my hand back until it was pressed against the small of her back.

Her skin was so soft, so amazing. But I had to check.

I pried myself away from her lips but couldn't go far, leaning down to kiss her neck. "Is - this - okay?"

I wasn't sure what the hell had come over me. Was it that I had gotten permission? That last night Nessie had expressed just how much she wanted me and that she wanted me to do this? To touch her and show her?

Was that why I was losing my fucking mind?

That had to be the reason, because as I kissed her soft, sweet-smelling neck I had a new urge. An urge to do more than taste it.

Before I could stop myself or even think twice, I had parted my lips and bitten the soft skin of her neck gently. It felt primal and animalistic and right and good and it didn't help that Nessie let out a strangled moan in response.

That didn't sound like I'd done anything wrong.

So did that mean that I could do this?

I drew the skin between my teeth into my mouth gently, experimentally. I wanted to know what Nessie liked.

"Jac-ob."

Fuck. Nessie liked that.

I didn't want to hurt her though, so I let her go then. Ran my tongue over the place I'd bitten to sooth it.

Then I remembered: my girl had called my name.

"Yeah, Ness?"

"Don't - " Nessie pulled my face back up until our lips were brushing again. She was so beautiful. "Don't - stop."

"S'not too much?" I asked, kissing her again instead of groaning out loud at the feelings her words evoked in me.

"No." She rolled her hips into my stomach again and groaned. She was panting. "No, Jacob, I swear."

She swore. My girl swore and she would never lie to me.

I gave myself back over to it, the hard pounding in my body. Not all the way, of course, but some. Let myself feel the beautiful girl under me.

I wasn't aware my hands had been moving until my fingertips bumped stiff fabric. I bit back a groan when I realized what it was.

Nessie pulled back from my lips and I was sure it was to tell me that she'd had enough for today, that this was the limit for now. And I was okay with that - I wasn't even sure how we got here.

I wasn't expecting her to gaze up at me, all panting breath and sparkling eyes and swollen lips and say, "You can - you can . . . unhook it if you want."

Say what now?

* * *

**Coming up:**

I took it as a sign she wasn't mad as I dressed in the grey sweatpants and white shirt she had laid out. Besides the wolf shirt, Nessie seemed to like the white ones best. I would have to buy a couple packs once we got back home.

I came out of the bathroom to see Nessie sprawled out on the bed, looking delicious as ever, and watching COPS. How could this night get anymore awesome?

I threw myself beside her on the bed just as the theme song came on. Now, from the time I was about five to the time I was about eleven, the COPS song was my jam. I even learned the words to the reggae rap part in the middle. Between that and America's Most Wanted, I was set - although Billy made me stop watching that after I kept spotting murderers and rapists in the grocery store.


	29. A Premeditated Pervert

**_A/N:_** Hi - I'm back! I like this chapter - I'm generally torn between being unable to find a chapter title or having entirely too many to choose from and this was one of those times. *sigh* It's almost harder than not being able to come up with one. I think this is a pretty good chapter - there's some humor, God knows there's some romance, there's a_ ton_ of Jake and Nessie. What more do you need?

Also, I've got the awesomest news! I've been nominated for Best Review Replier at **The Golden Chocolate Awards**, which is crazy! I love replying y'all's reviews though, so it's such an honor. Really. They don't have voting info up yet but the link is: _**goldenchocolateawards(dot)webs(dot)com**_. So, y'know, please keep an eye out and vote when voting opens. I'll be sure to let y'all know when that is.

Also, I'm not sure how good you're memory is, but maybe you'll remember me gushing about a certain poet name Warsan Shire? I've used quotes from her work _several _times and she really is amazing - anyway, by some stroke of awesome luck, she's actually started reading this story! She's a busy girl, so I don't know how long it'll take her to get to here, but it'll be fun to see. I just thought I'd share my excitement with you - make sure you check out her MySpace, which is under her name.

And I'll leave you here before this A/N gets any longer.

**_Disclaimer:_** I don't own Twilight, COPS, the ninja turtles, slap bracelets, any John Mayer songs, Pink and the Brain, or America's Most Wanted. But yes, I am a nineties kid. And proud.

**_Dedication:_** To anyone who's ever embarrassed their mother by staying up late watching America's Most Wanted and then spotting rapists and serial killers in the grocery store. Nineties kids unite!

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Some Universe Where I'm Insane (Or, A Premeditated Pervert)

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_we got the afternoon  
you got this room for two  
one thing i've left to do  
discover me, discovering you_

_- john mayer, your body is a wonderland_

-

Was my girl - was she saying what I think she was saying? Was she giving me permission to undo her bra?

Little Jake fought harder at just the thought.

"Are you sure?" It was all I could think of to say.

She nodded, fast, and pulled me back down for a kiss. "Yes, Jacob, I'm sure."

I leaned down to take another one of her sweet kisses, lost myself in her lips for a few seconds. This - this was all new to me too. I realized as I brushed my fingers across her silky skin that I had no idea what I was doing.

"You - you'll have to help me," I admitted, actually feeling my face heat up like a girl. "I don't know how."

I pushed the nerves away. Nessie was being vulnerable with me - very vulnerable. Letting me know when she didn't know or understand something. I could show her the same respect.

I still felt relieved when I felt her smile against my lips.

"Give me your other hand," she whispered.

I obeyed her, removing my hand from her curls to give to her. She took it in her much smaller one and, arching her back high off the bed, guided it up to rest beside my other one. I didn't do anything once they were there, just waited for my Nessie to tell me what to do. She was leading me.

"Do you feel the hook?" I shifted my fingers around a little, slipping my thumbs under the band that clung tight to her skin and over a little. I felt it. I nodded. "Hold it from either side and push them together."

Nessie arched harder into me, making it almost impossible to concentrate on what she was asking me to do but somehow I managed. I did like she told me and I felt something give, the tension disappearing.

I looked at Nessie for instruction.

"Now let go."

I did and the band fell apart and before I could help myself my hands were feeling the skin where it had been seconds earlier. It pulled Nessie's shirt up though and with a jolt I'd never felt before, our bare stomachs touched.

I hissed and I think Nessie did too. It felt so _good_. Her skin, against mine like this. Damn.

I needed her lips but when I leaned in for them, Nessie's hand on my chest stopped me.

"Wait. Sit back for a second," she whispered.

I wasn't sure why she'd asked it of me but I wasn't about to question, especially not now, so I just sat back. Reluctantly pulled my arms out from under her. Away from her skin. I used them to brace myself and look down at my girl.

Who's bra I'd just unhooked. It was not normal how much that turned me on.

I was confused for a few seconds when Nessie began to wriggle under me, but I soon got it. She reached under her short sleeves and pulled the straps of a black bra out of them, winding her arms free that way. Then she reached a hand up the front of her shirt and pulled back with her bra, slinging it over her head.

And just like that, she was braless. Fuck.

Maybe it made me a pervert, but I couldn't help dropping my eyes down to scan her chest. These past few weeks had taught me how to tell, just by sight, whether my girl was wearing a bra or not. I called it a talent.

She definitely wasn't wearing one now, and I didn't just know that because I'd literally seen her remove it. I could tell, by the shape they took and how - how when she hardened just under my gaze, how easily I could see it.

Right like that. Under my eyes - without even touching her.

I felt my eyes widen as I looked back up at Nessie's, unable to believe that I could have that affect on her. With something so simple.

I leaned down and kissed my Ness, finally. It had felt like years. Ran my tongue across her lip.

I ran my hand from her hip up to her waist, ready to feel the softness of her in my hand but an almost-as-soft hand stopped mine. I pulled back to try and ask her with my eyes what was wrong but she just shook her head, guiding my hand back down again.

Did she not want to be touched today? Was that another girl thing? Then why had she let me take off her bra?

But then she starting sliding my hand back up, this time sliding back under the hem of her t-shirt like it had been before. I understood.

Nessie nodded reassuringly, trying to tell me it was okay but my brain was still stuck. Did - did my Nessie want me to touch her like that? Under the clothes, with - with nothing -

Her hand left mine. She was leaving it up to me.

I tore my eyes from hers to watch my hand resting against her perfect white stomach. Her perfect, flat white stomach. I - I couldn't even remember seeing it in years, let alone touching it. Like this, bare.

I flexed my hand, pressing my fingertips into her soft skin and Nessie arched into my hand the smallest bit.

I don't know if I ever necessarily made the decision to start moving my hand up, but up it went and I didn't do anything to stop it. But I would take my time, I would memorize her. Every inch.

I touched, brushed, fucking _caressed_ every millimeter of her stomach. Up and down, back and forth until I knew it by heart. The muscles kept tensing under my fingers, then relaxing. Then tensing again. Nessie's back arched.

Finally, somehow, I was out of stomach and there was nowhere to go but up. Because I most definitely was not going _down_. Not even if Nessie asked. _That_ was too much.

I - I had to make sure, one more time, but not before I kissed my Nessie again. I did, pressing my lips gently to hers for a few seconds and getting knocked off my guard when Nessie's scent increased. My fingers were threatening mutiny, aching to slide upward to touch the bare skin just inches away from them. It had to be now.

I pulled away from her lips, just barely, to ask her, "Can I touch you, Nessie?"

Even though I was the one who said them, the words still put a wrench of lust in my stomach. Nessie's breath caught and her heart sped up.

Then she nodded. Yes.

I caught her lips in a kiss again, reminding myself to be soft. Gentle. Slow.

And I slid my hand up. Slowy, gradually, until I had Nessie's entire bare breast cupped in my palm.

I pressed my hips harder into the bed, unable to control my body's reaction. There was no helping it now, there was only keeping my hips pressed into the bed so Nessie wouldn't notice my hardness.

Her - her skin was amazing. Soft and supple in my hands and I could feel her nipple, impossibly hard and yet soft at the same time, against my palm. I - I had to touch her, to see if touching her bare was as much as an improvement for her as it was for me. I shifted my hand so I could brush my thumb over her.

I couldn't get over how good her skin felt in my hands, couldn't wrap my mind around where I was touching Nessie right now. How I was touching her. I hardened a little more.

And I definitely couldn't get over how hard Nessie was arching against me, or the sounds she was making. A high, wanting sound that made me want to give it to her. Whatever she wanted. Give it to her so I could hear her make that sound again.

Her scent came roaring up and I got a little harder. Impossibly hard.

The blood flow to . . . other places must've took away from my brain because I got dizzy. This girl made me fucking dizzy.

Nessie pulled away from my lips.

"Are you okay?" She asked me, impossibly perfect and impossibly beautiful as I ran my finger over her again. She bit her lip.

"Perfect." I kissed her again. "You - your skin - amazing."

"I love you," she whispered then, taking me by surprise. But the good kind - it brought me down a little, but up at the same time.

It sounds girly and shit but it warmed me to the tip of my toes. My girl loved me, my Ness. I opened my mouth to say it back but she kissed me. I pulled back after another second or two.

"I love you more."

Nessie reached up and pulled my lips back down to hers and I wasn't going to pull away this time, but Nessie did a second later.

"We'll argue about it later." She was panting and beautiful and so, so mine. I squeezed her gently in my hand and she gave a soft moan. "I'm busy now."

Busy we were. And for a good while too.

I couldn't let go of her. I just couldn't. After awhile once I had gotten control of my body a little, I rolled onto my back and pulled Nessie on top of me, prying my hands away from her breasts to explore her back. All of her skin just felt so good. I - I wanted to see it, to pull her shirt up over her head and her waves of gorgeous hair and see the skin I was touching now.

See her bare breasts, round and perfect, that I had memorized with my hands by now. Lean down, brush my lips across them before I pulled one hard nipple and then the other past my lips.

God, she would taste so good.

But thoughts like that led to nowhere but cold showers so I shot them down. I couldn't and I wouldn't do that, not now - this was way more than enough for tonight.

We moved a lot, something I didn't even realize I was doing, subconsciously turning or rolling us depending on what area of Nessie's torso I wanted to focus my attentions on.

I, very vaguely in the back of my head, felt myself getting hungry but I wasn't bothered by it. Who gave a fuck about food when I had this? But then my stomach growled and Nessie pulled back from my lips with the cutest giggle.

"Hungry, Jacob?"

Starving, and some food sounds good too.

I kissed Nessie again and told her instead, "I guess so - I think I've finally found something I'd rather be doing than eating."

Nessie laughed again, that amazing sound, and stretched over me before rolling off. I was sad to see her go. Little Jake was too, especially since he'd been behaving himself.

"Well, how about we . . . order pizza?" My brain was struck with the sudden image of licking pizza sauce from Nessie's stomach. Damn, I should've known today was only gonna make my fantasies more graphic than ever. "There's probably a phone book in here somewhere, and then we can . . . alternate between both."

I took in her sparkling eyes and sexy smile, kinda surprised she'd said what she had. "What, eating and kissing?"

"Why not?" She pushed herself up using my chest to brace herself. "And you still need a shower, Mr. Grease - might as well have the food on the way."

I was Mr. Grease, was I? There was a little something about that Nessie had let slip her mind. I ran my hand up her shirt, loving that I could do that, until several inches of her tantalizing skin was showing.

"Well, I regret to inform you that due to you spending some . . . ah, personal time, with Mr. Grease, you have now become Ms. Grease." Mrs. Grease.

I took a second to sink in the awesomeness of the faint black smears across Nessie's stomach, marks of where my hands had been. On her. She probably had them on her breasts too. My stomach tightened at that.

Nessie looked down to where I was and her eyes lit up, but she didn't blush.

"I'll shower too then, after you're done." Then she broke out into that new, sexy smile that killed me in the best possible way.

"You can go first." So the bathroom will smell like you - does that make me a premeditated pervert? "I'll order the food while you're gone. What do you want on your pizza?"

"Pineapple," she said, before I could add, "Except pineapples."

Damn. It - it was just so . . . _weird_, and she knew I was going to end up eating half of her pizza anyway.

"Gross, Nessie," I told her, but got up and started looking for the phonebook anyway. Gross it may be, but if my Nessie wanted pineapples, pineapples she'd get. "How do you even eat that?"

"You don't _have _to get it." She rolled her eyes and twirled her little body off the bed in the same movement. "You just asked me what I wanted."

"No, I'll get it." But you're getting hell for it, since it's fun to make you flustered. "But only because I love you so much."

"That's fair, I guess." She shot me a cheeky grin, happy she'd won. "My pajamas still in the bathroom?"

"Yeah, I think so." I actually knew so, because I about had the best stroke ever when I saw her tiny white panties lying in the bathroom floor this morning, kicked into the corner with her pajamas.

She skipped off to the bathroom and I ordered two large pizzas, one with everything on it and the other one half how I wanted it and half with Nessie's _pineapples_ from the first pizza place in the phone book. She never ate all hers anyway. I swung my legs around when I was done, about to collapse back on the bed but something on the floor caught my eyes. Nessie's black bra.

So that was where it had landed.

Feeling a little like an idiot, I leaned forward and picked it up off the ground. This little thing didn't look so hard to work - I mean, I shouldn't have needed Nessie's help like a nervous little fourteen year old boy. But I had.

I flipped it over in my hands, looking at the catch in the back. Hook-and-eye. I always hated those stupid things when I was a kid - never could get them to do right. But I had to learn, for my Ness. I wanted to be confident, smooth - not bumbling and well, how I was.

Bumbling didn't get any help when the bathroom door flung open and Nessie came out, all warm and showery looking. Shit. Damn. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I felt my face heat as I dropped my hands and the bra into my lap.

"What're you doing?" Nessie asked me, but she was smiling and laughing so I guess it was okay. I wasn't in the doghouse, at least.

She crawled over to sit beside me, crossing her legs. I couldn't look at her, even though I knew it was childish. "I was just - seeing how it works."

Just, you know, so I can undress you better in the future.

"You managed all right earlier," Nessie said in her teasing tone, but there was something else in it . . . something seductive. Suggestive.

My stupid face got even hotter. "I reckon."

I guess Nessie liked messing with me or thought my face looked funny red or something because then she said, "Soon you'll be able to do it one-handed."

I was met with the sudden image of Nessie wrapped tight in my arms, her shirt off, one of my arms held tight around her waist while my other hand flicked open her bra. Casually, easily.

"One-handed?" One-handed sounded kinda good right now.

"Sure." Her eyes did that light up thing that told me something very good or very bad was coming and waggled her fingers at me. "Hand it here."

I was confused but it was hers so I handed it over, feeling more stupid than before. Nessie continued to put the bra on in the strangest, most complicated way I'd ever seen. I hadn't imagined it'd been that involved, turning it over and flipping it around and then sliding it back the right way before pulling it on.

Over her shirt. She was so damn cute.

"That's how you put it on?"

"Well, yeah . . . how else would you?"

"Just - just like, over your shoulders and then close it in the back." Suggested Jake, Bra Wearing Extraordinaire.

"You could, if you can reach that far back. But then you still have to adjust - trust me, it's just better this way."

"Oh." My mind was suddenly filled with images of Nessie _adjusting_. Was that something I could do for her maybe?

"Well, come on," Nessie said after a few seconds, only confusing me more.

"What?"

"Practice makes perfect." She crawled on her knees over to me. "Try it one-handed."

"What?" Was she serious? Or just the biggest tease ever? "Nessie - that's - unnecessary, I mean - "

"Are you . . . afraid?" She asked, and then I knew what she was up to.

I knew what she was up to, but Jacob Black could never turn down a challenge. She wanted to tease me? I could tease back.

I reached forward and pulled her into my lap. She went easily, straddling me so her neck was in the perfect position for me to press my face into.

"Let's set the scene, shall we?" Drive you crazy just a fraction of the amount that you drive me. "To make it more realistic." Because if you can be bold, I can too. "I won't be trying to take off your bra while we're watching TV, after all."

Nessie didn't say anything. I liked to think she was stunned into speechlessness but I knew better than to kid myself. I hadn't even turned it on yet.

"We would probably be something like this." I dragged my nose up her neck, inhaling her sweet scent until I got to her lips. I kissed her deep and quick, pulling away just when she started to respond. I had to remind myself that I was teasing, not giving in to my own pleasure. "And then my hand would slowly reach up, like this."

I let my hand wander up her back until I reached the band of the bra. It wasn't as exciting without Nessie's soft skin to brush against the inside of my arm. I leaned in for another kiss, intending to do the same as before and pull back before she could respond, but my Nessie was ready for me. I forced myself back.

"And then I would - " Come on, Jake. You can do this. Hook-and-eye, hook-and - it fell open. "Do that."

Yes.

I rubbed the place where the catch had been with my fingers and Nessie's breathing sped up. I was winning.

"And then what would you do?"

It was an invitation. One I wanted to take her up on so bad. I wanted to show her what I would do.

"Right now?"

"Yes."

But the pizza was coming, I still needed to shower before it got here, and - well, I wanted to win.

"I would go take a shower because I've been working out in the sun all day."

Nessie's jaw literally dropped and I couldn't help but grin. I leaned back and rolled her under me so I could get up easily. And well, I wanted to feel her under me. Just for a second.

"No fair," she pouted and it was so hard not to lay back down over her. Give her exactly what she wanted. What we both wanted. "You would not."

"No, I wouldn't." Only in some universe where I was completely insane. "But I really do stink right now, and I don't want to get you dirty again. And now you know I'm not afraid."

That's kinda the problem.

Nessie just looked so flustered and cute that I could've kissed her again, but I didn't. Might as well do this cocky shit right. I threw her a wink and walked off to the bathroom. I forced myself not to look back.

I realized about halfway through my shower (during which I did my best to think of anything besides Nessie and failed miserably) that I had forgot my clothes but I saw when I got out that my Nessie had placed some by the door.

I took it as a sign she wasn't mad as I dressed in the grey sweatpants and white shirt she had laid out. Besides the wolf shirt, Nessie seemed to like the white ones best. I would have to buy a couple packs once we got back home.

I came out of the bathroom to see Nessie sprawled out on the bed, looking delicious as ever, and watching COPS. How could this night get anymore awesome?

I threw myself beside her on the bed just as the theme song came on. Now, from the time I was about five to the time I was about eleven, the COPS song was my jam. I even learned the words to the reggae rap part in the middle. Between that and America's Most Wanted, I was set - although Billy made me stop watching that after I kept spotting murderers and rapists in the grocery store.

I sang along with the music since I knew it by heart, but stopped short when I saw Nessie staring at me like I had two heads. It went something like: "Police no give you no break. Soldier man give you no - what?"

Nessie just busted out into laughter, collapsing back on the bed. Come on, was I that bad?

"Like you don't know the COPS song?" I asked pretty much rhetorically. Everybody knew the COPS song. So I was surprised to see Nessie shake her head and continue laughing until tears started to well up in her eyes. "Are you serious? You really don't know the song?"

How had I neglected such a huge part of Nessie's growing up? I mean, yeah she could do physics and knew about all the words in the English vocabulary, but if you didn't know the COPS song or Pinky and the Brain then life was just kinda meaningless.

And don't even get me started on the importance of the ninja turtles.

"No," Nessie choked out, but I still didn't believe her. She had to have heard it somewhere before. It was impossible.

"Come on - 'bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do?'" I tried to jog her memory but she only laughed harder. "'Whatcha gonna do when they come for you' - you have to know it!"

This was ridiculous. Nessie was getting a crash course on the nineties when we got back home. I wonder if they still sold slap bracelets.

Yeah, I had one. So what?

"I don't, Jacob, I swear! But please, keep on - I never knew you were from Jamaica!"

"Shut up," I said, but I didn't mean it. I never did. I was just happy to see her laughing so hard after so long. "Have you seriously never watched COPS before?"

"How many times do I have to say it?" She laughed harder for another second. "N-n-no!"

"What, my singing that bad?" I asked, even though I knew it was.

"I thought - I thought - " Nessie gasped through laughter and I already knew what she was going to bring up. That damn contract. "I thought that a-according to the Peaceable Agreement of 2010, you weren't allowed to sing and Aunt Rose wasn't allowed to make any leg-humping jokes, since they were both painful experiences for everyone."

Ah, the summer of '10. Definitely not one of my finer moments. I mean, it wasn't really my fault - Blondie wouldn't stop making those jokes around Nessie and she was starting to ask me what they meant and I - I mean, come on. Was it my fault that I was resorted to singing, since it was the only thing that would get her to shut up about keeping me away from whoever's leg?

I mean, I can appreciate a good bit of humor, but not when it comes from Blondie and not in front of Nessie when she was that small. Okay, okay, maybe following her around howling old country songs had been a little much.

But it had resulted in said agreement that stopped the leg-humping jokes. I didn't really like singing that much anyway.

"That expired this year." I just forgot to remind Blondie. Those jokes definitely wouldn't be any more bearable now that Nessie could understand them. "And besides, that only counted for when we were around each other." Or you.

I still can't believe Edward actually made us sign a contract.

"And let's hear you sing then, Ms. High-and-Mighty," I challenged before I remembered how sweet her voice sounded when she sang to me when she was little. "No, never mind, don't. I bet you're good at it."

"I'm not," Nessie said, which I wasn't sure about. I hadn't heard her for awhile, but my girl was good at everything. "But that's why I don't sing. Around other people."

"I'm not other people," I said, pretending to be hurt. I got another idea of how to mess with her. I loved being over the top. "Has it ever occurred to you that it's just because I'm very comfortable around you and trust you that I finally allowed myself to be a teensy bit vulnerable and reveal something I'm very self-conscious about?"

It was a load of bullshit, but it sounded good. I mean, I watch _one episode_ of Montel and look at me!

Nessie's raised eyebrow told me she thought it was bullshit too.

"And then you laugh at my vulnerability, ruining my self-image and making me unable to trust any women in the future and therefore assure that I'm stuck with you for the rest of my life. Is that your plan, Nessie?"

Stuck with Nessie for the rest of my life. Sounds like a damn good plan. I couldn't hold back a grin.

Nessie flailed a sissy-ass kick at me. I grabbed her around the knee and pulled her closer.

"Yes, Jacob, that's my plan." She waggled her eyebrows and I tried to hold back my laugh. "I'm systematically ruining your self-confidence so you're left with an unhealthy need for my approval and can never leave my side."

She wriggled her leg in my grip like she wanted to get away, but not hard enough to really mean it. I slid my hand up a little further, up her thigh.

"My ego might put up a fight," I promised and Nessie's eyes flashed.

"Can it even move considering how big it is?" She teased, and I had to give her props for that one. It was good.

But she still had to pay.

"We'll have to see," I told her right before I pounced, but the girl was already out of my arms and across the room.

"Catch me if you can, Jacob Black!"

Oh, so we were gonna play that game? I had missed it.

I stood up and took a predatory pose. I was about to show Nessie who the Alpha was.

* * *

**Coming up:**

I pressed my leg forward before I realized I was pressing it straight into the space between her legs. I didn't move it. Especially not after she arched into me, rubbing herself across my thigh. God.

"Jacob is my Alpha." She was breathless. Her scent increased.

"What did you say?" One more time for me, honey.

"I said, 'Jacob is my Alpha'!" She exclaimed, and I could tell by the pounding in her heart and her scent in the air and the tone in her voice that it was too much. So I let her go. Let her go and stepped back from her, the hardest thing ever.

"That's what I thought you said." You look so good against a wall, Nessie. "Let's eat."


	30. Who's Your Alpha?

**_A/N:_** Okay, y'all, this was obviously a fun chapter to write. The title and the lyrics were like the easiest to pick out, which is getting progressively harder as we go on for _Undeniable_ for some reason. I know I say it every time, but I love being inside Jake's mind. You all know what's coming up next. Hehe.

Make sure to review! :D

Oh, and I'm also hunting a beta for a J/N tragedy/romance one-shot for the SOB contest, so if anyone could give me any help or info I'd owe you forever. Thanks!

**_Disclaimer:_** Only own the chapter title. Which I love. :D

* * *

Who's Your Alpha?

* * *

_damn, baby  
you frustrate me  
i know you're mine, all mine, all mine  
but you look so good it hurts sometimes_

_- john mayer, your body is a wonderland_

-

I lunged for her but missed when she spun and darted out of my grip. Damn.

"Getting old, Jakey?"

I jumped for her again, trying to take advantage of her distraction but she jumped back again. My stomach was coiled tight in anticipation, the anticipation of the hunt and - and something else. It'd been like this, this game with Nessie, after my feelings had started to change. The tight, pounding anticipation in my stomach - the hunt of my mate. The urge to claim.

But now it was different. Now it was more. Because now, when I caught her, I could claim her.

I faked left and then right but it didn't work, Nessie stayed aware but didn't move. When I finally did jump for her, she leaped back onto the bed. My head was spinning - I'd never felt so animalistic, so primal when I wasn't in my wolf form.

She was trapped. Mine.

"Not so chatty now, are we?" I asked and heard her heart thunder. She knew she was caught - and she was as excited as me.

Then something knocked on the fucking door. Damn it.

"Pizza!" Fuck.

"Just a second!" I narrowed my eyes at Nessie as I turned my back on her to get my wallet and answer the door. I heard her bound off behind me.

I grabbed forty bucks out of the wallet and practically shoved it at the pimply-faced teenager holding our pizzas and two-liters, instructing him to keep the change and thanking him before I shut the door in his face. I set our stuff on the table. Now - where were we?

"Ness? He's gone - Ness?" I heard a muffled sound coming, of course, from the bathroom. "It's not like you can hide." I heard her heartbeat thrum faster and smelled her sweet scent as I approached the bathroom. She was behind the door. "You're obviously in the bathroom, so - "

I decided I wanted to play for a little bit longer so I stepped far enough into the bathroom for her to clear me, like I was going to check the shower. Sure enough, Nessie tore out from behind the door, her hair whipping my arm. And her tiny fingers laying a pinch to my back.

Little minx.

I spun to catch her but she was too fast. The little half-vampire was already across the room. She shot me the sexiest little mischievous smirk and flipped open my pizza box. I narrowed my eyes at her as she pulled a slice of my pizza out and took a bite, making the hottest noises that were I guess supposed to rub it in my face.

"Did you just eat my pizza?" I asked, trying to sound dangerous.

"I think I did." Then she actually did this little dance back to the two-liters and grabbed what was very obviously _my _drink. The Mountain Dew. "And now I'm thirsty."

I saw her mistake before she made it. As soon as she raised the huge bottle to her lips, I was across the room. She tipped the bottle back down and tried to make a run for it but I had her. I caught her around the waist, accidently slopping soda everywhere. It didn't matter - I had her.

Nessie gave a shocked little gasp, from the coldness of the soda, I guess and shouted, "Jacob Black, you got me wet!"

Like I cared right now. I had won. Time to name the Alpha.

I pulled the bottle from her hand and set it behind me on the table, pinning her up against the wall in the same movement. Drew her arms up above her head. Damn. Yes. My favorite part.

"Got you." Both our hearts were racing. My body was on fire. "Say 'Jake is my Alpha'."

She had to. It was the rules. Whoever won was Alpha. Which, ninety-seven percent of the time, was me.

I pressed my body against her a little harder and she gasped. Yes.

"Jake is my Alpha." Fuck. Those words - those words sounded so good to my ears. Her Alpha.

And to top it all off, I could smell her scent getting stronger. Nessie liked this game too. She liked me being her Alpha, dominating her. Fuck.

"I didn't hear you," I said, even though I did.

I pressed my leg forward before I realized I was pressing it straight into the space between her legs. I didn't move it. Especially not after she arched into me, rubbing herself across my thigh. God.

"Jacob is my Alpha." She was breathless. Her scent increased.

"What did you say?" One more time for me, honey.

"I said, 'Jacob is my Alpha'!" She exclaimed, and I could tell by the pounding in her heart and her scent in the air and the tone in her voice that it was too much. So I let her go. Let her go and stepped back from her, the hardest thing ever.

"That's what I thought you said." You look so good against a wall, Nessie. "Let's eat."

"I need to change first." Nessie tried to look annoyed but I knew she wasn't. "You got soda all over me."

I ran my eyes down her wet shirt, tried not to linger on where the cold soda had made her nipples pebble helplessly against her shirt. Or maybe it had been me. I hope it had.

Shit. How were we supposed to get through the night?

"Change then, I'll wait."

Nessie got this little self-determined look on her face that I knew only too well before she marched over to my bag and started digging through it.

"What're you doing?"

"Getting something to sleep in." She pulled out my wolf shirt and started walking towards the bathroom. "You didn't think I was going to sleep in jeans, did you?"

"But that shirt's dirty." It wasn't really, but I just - she couldn't - how was I gonna stand it?

"Less dirty than I am," she called back from the bathroom.

I sat there, trying to calm myself for the sight that I knew was about to greet me. I didn't look up when I heard her emerge from the bathroom. Only when she settled down beside me, and I saw a flash of pale white thigh before it was quickly covered did I look up.

Nessie was sitting there, calm as ever, looking hotter than I'd ever seen her. My shirt was huge on her, baggy and loose, coming down to her knees and the sleeves almost reaching her elbows but it was still the sexiest thing I'd ever seen. I vaguely noticed her wiggling under my gaze.

"What?" She said, catching me out. I think I felt my face heat up.

"It looks better on you," was all I said.

"Whatever," she said, but her cheeks were pink. She leaned across me to get her Coke. "Where's my pizza?"

I passed it to her and she flipped it open. I waited for her reaction.

"That's not fair." I looked up to see her pretty eyes narrowed at me . "You never even tried pineapple."

"I never tried blood either," I shot back, which wasn't necessarily true but whatever. I crammed another slice of pizza into my mouth. I was _hungry_. Kissing a beautiful girl will do that to you.

"You're going to try it."

And because of how she said it, I answered back, "No, I'm not."

Nessie seemed to drop it and we continued to eat. Well, I ate and watched Nessie eat. She was just so sexy and even more so when she was eating. Her mouth and her lips and when she licked her fingers - well.

I watched as Nessie picked a hunk of pineapple off her box and popped it into her mouth, her small, pink tongue darting out to lick the juice from her finger. This girl was gonna kill me.

I tried not to watch her anymore but pretty much failed. I finally finished my pizza and washed it down with some Mountain Dew, but I was far from full.

"Hand me one of yours, Ness," I requested.

"Sure, sure," she said and I was smiling at her using my words until she offered out a slice of pineapple pizza with two tiny white hands. I gave her to no go look and her face fell.

"Come on, Jake." She waggled it in front of me like I was five and it was broccoli. "It's really good. I tried hot sauce and macaroni and cheese for you."

That was different. Hot sauce with macaroni and cheese was the epitome of of awesome and deliciousness. I told her this, adding that pineapples on pizza was gross.

Nessie sidled closer until she was right beside me and took a bite of her pizza like she was trying to prove a point but all I could look at was her lips as she chewed. I watched as she took another bite and then leaned in closer. She ran her nose across my jaw and up my cheek like she was trying to kill me and when I turned my head to kiss her, her lips were already there.

I ran my tongue across her lips, taking in the taste of her and bit back a groan. She tasted like Nessie and pizza and something a little sweet on the edges.

"You taste like pizza," she whispered once she'd pulled back.

"You do too," I admitted, leaning in to kiss her again but she evaded me.

"Is it gross?"

Gross?

"Of course not, Nessie." Why would she think it was gross? I kissed her again, to prove my point, and this time she let me. "You taste amazing. You always do."

She pulled away from my lips some more and drew her half-eaten pizza between us. I saw that I had gotten played.

"Then why won't you try it? If you don't like it, I promise I'll never ask you to eat it again." I know she was probably just pretending to sound hurt to get me to cave, but I still couldn't stand it. She put the final nail in my coffin. "For me, Jacob?"

I leaned forward and snatched a hunk of the pizza in her hands off with my teeth. Her fingers brushed across my lips and I was surprised to find out she was right. The sweetness mixed with the taste of the pizza was great - not to mention that now for the rest of my life, every time I ate it I would remember how the first time I tasted it was from Nessie's mouth.

Nessie watched my mouth while I ate, I like to think a little similarly to how I watched hers.

"You're right." I couldn't take my eyes off her. "It is good."

"See?"

"Yeah." I opened my mouth a little to let her know I wanted more. "Another bite."

But I'd eat spinach for eternity if Nessie would feed it to me.

Nessie guided the pizza into my mouth and I took another bite, the coil in my stomach tightening more and more every second. I swallowed the food in my mouth just before I couldn't take it anymore and reached out to pull her to me. Nessie reached for me at the same time and a second later Nessie was straddling me as I leaning back against the bed. Yes.

Nessie's fingers, slick with pizza grease, reached out to pull me in to her lips and it was amazing. She moaned into my mouth and pulled away when I pulled her closer.

"No teasing." She leaned back again when I tried to kiss her. Again. "You hear me?"

"What?" I asked, barely registering. I had to have her. Now.

"No teasing," she repeated. "If you start kissing me and then in a couple minutes try and pull some shit about wanting to finish eating, I'm going to suck your blood."

I ran my hands up her sides and tried not to moan. I stole a kiss. "Promise?"

Nessie moaned and kissed me again.

"I'm serious, Jacob. You're gonna kill me if you keep that up."

Then I remembered our conversation from last night. This was hard on Nessie too - almost as hard as it was on me, no pun intended - I shouldn't be teasing her. It was fun and hot as hell and I know she enjoyed it too, but it wasn't right. Especially when she didn't even know how to . . . take care of herself.

I forced the picture of what that might look like straight out of my mind.

"I didn't mean to tease you, Nessie." I only want to make you feel half as amazing as you make me. "I'm not trying to make it harder for you. I was just playing, like we always do."

You're more than welcome to get me back.

No, bad Jake.

"You're forgiven." I always was. "You tried pineapple pizza, so we're even."

"Let me make it up to you," I offered, running my lips back and forth across hers. Please let me, Ness. "No teasing this time."

I promise.

"Please." It was all I needed.

By the time we got back to our food, the soda had gone hot. We drank it anyway, and I ate some more pineapple pizza even though there were still some of my kind left. I was picking on Nessie about never having watched COPS when I got caught out. I flicked my pizza at her and a piece of pineapple flew straight onto her face.

She picked it off, grinned when she saw what it was, and ate it. Damn.

"Look who likes pineapple pizza."

"Yeah, well. It's not so bad." Time for a rule number sixteen. "And you made me work up an appetite."

"Like you didn't love every second," Nessie shot back and I bit back a sound that expressed just how much I loved it. It drove me insane when she talked like that, and the good kind too.

"Never said that." I swallowed the last bit of my pizza. "All I said was you know how to make a man fucking hungry, Ness."

I watched her eyes darken a little before she reached out and brushed her hands off over the pizza box. Then she leaned forward and wiped her greasy hands on my shirt.

She threw herself back on the bed, eyes dancing, waiting for my reaction.

"What do you think you're doing?" I could barely hold back my smile. I could barely keep from pouncing on her.

"Cleaning my hands," she said like it was no big deal. "You got soda on me - the least you can deal with is a little bit of grease."

Got grease on you too, babe. But I didn't say that.

I just shut the pizza box and set it on the floor before I crawled up the bed to lay beside her, hovering over her. Covering her, but not touching. I ran my hand up her stomach since I could now and around her waist, squeezing gently. She arched into my hand.

She looked fucking edible in my shirt.

"Did it ever occur to you that it was all a part of my master plan to get you in my clothes?" I kind of can't believe I just said that, but okay.

Nessie turned pink and gripped the grease stain on my shirt, using it to pull herself up. She kissed my throat.

"Did it even occur to _you _that it was all a part of _my_ master plan to get you out of your shirt?"

I had to take a second to let those words penetrate without jumping her. It was just - it was just so hot. I mean, I knew I wanted Nessie as undressed as she wanted to be, all the time, but to hear her say - I mean, damn.

And Black family rule number one being what it was and all.

I sat up and back, raising up on my knees. I reached behind me and grabbed the neck of my shirt from between my shoulders and pulled it up over my head. Was it weird that I felt more exposed than normal?

And Nessie looked so fucking good below me, just laying there, her hair all around her and her lips still a little swollen from earlier. Both times.

"All you had to do was ask." All you ever have to do is ask, my girl.

Nessie's eyes darkened in that way I liked and her scent increased at the same time her legs shifted weirdly. Then she reached up and placed her tiny white hand flat against the very top of my stomach.

The muscles there tightened and Nessie's face changed, in a good way, I think. Then she slowly started to slide her hand down. It felt amazing - of course it did - but as her hand slipped down to my naval, I knew I couldn't stand anymore.

I caught it and slid it back up to press against my heart.

"Sorry."

"No." I laid myself back down over her, making sure our bodies didn't touch. Not yet. I still needed a minute. "I'm sorry. That I'm not stronger."

"Don't be sorry, Jake." She pulled my head down for the softest kiss. "I'm sorry this is hard for you too."

"Wouldn't trade it for anything, though." It's the sweetest torture. I kissed the corner of her lips, her cheek, under her ear. "You really do look amazingly hot in my shirt, Ness."

Under me, Nessie's legs shifted weirdly again.

"God, Jake." I tried not to think about hearing her say that under different circumstances. "It's just your t-shirt, it's not like it's . . . lingerie or anything."

I took a second to picture Nessie in lingerie. Just a second, not more.

"As . . . enticing as that mental picture is, I think I like this better." You, in my clothes, under me, in this bed. You wearing my mark. "Wolves look good on you, Nessie."

"Jacob Black, that comment wouldn't happen to have a double meaning, would it?"

I didn't want to tell her just how many meanings it had so I just pressed my face into the warmth of her neck and inhaled, nuzzling there for a second before I was brought up short. I pulled back to look better.

On Nessie's white, soft, completely smooth neck as a mark. A purple, discolored area. An area that had had my mouth - my _teeth_ - on it earlier today.

A bruise. It was a bruise. I had hurt my girl, _bruised_ her.

I was a monster.

* * *

**Coming up:**

But this didn't seem right. It didn't feel like a punishment.

"Nessie, don't - "

"Nope, it's too late to change your mind, Jacob. You asked me to bite you and now that's what you're gonna get." She was right. "No use trying to chicken out now."

I wasn't.

She stretched herself out over me, bracing herself above me like I had done with her so often these past few weeks. I wasn't sure where this was going. I opened my mouth to ask but Nessie shot me a hard look so I shut it again.

Our noses were almost brushing. Maybe this was a punishment. The worst kind. The sweetest torture.


	31. The Sweetest Torture

**_A/N: _**Here's another 'aw, poor Jake' chapter. He does some more internal kicking about things that aren't really his fault. Poor boy. But nothing new there. I'm beating off sleep with a stick right about now, so I'm gonna make this short.

Um . . . anyone who interested in making banners (not for me, although that'd be lovely! lol.) for contest winners, please contact me. I've got something for ya. :D Also, please check out my one-shot entry for the oh-so-awesome **Sort of Beautiful Challenge**,_ The Sweetest Girl_. Don't hesitate to let me know what you think. Still no info on **The Golden Chocolate Awards **front. I'll let you know when something comes through!

Please enjoy - give me something to check in the morning, girls!

**_Disclaimer: _**So not mine. So too tired to say anything but that.

* * *

The Sweetest Torture

* * *

_bury me standing under your window with this cinder block in hand  
yeah, 'cause no one will ever feel like this again  
and if i could move, i'm sure it would only be to crawl back to you_

_- fall out boy, pros and cons of breathing_

-

God, if I had hurt her I would never forgive myself. What was I talking about - I had hurt her! The proof was right there in front of me, on her sweet neck. Her sweet, beautiful, soft neck that I had bit like a _dog _and _bruised_.

And she hadn't told me. She had let me hurt her and she _hadn't told me_.

"Nessie?" Why, honey? "Why didn't you stop me?"

"What?"

Why did you let me hurt you?

I brushed the discolored area gently and was pleased not to see her flinch or shy away. I hadn't hurt her too badly.

"Why didn't you tell me I was being too rough?"

I tried so hard, Nessie, baby, I swear. I did my best not to be rough with you. I swear I -

"W-when?"

"When I - with my teeth - " When I bit you. Sunk teeth into you. Bruised you.

"What're you talking about, Jake?" Could she honestly not know what I meant?

I sat up onto my knees and reached for her hand, pulling her with me. I turned us both sideways and wrapped an arm gingerly around her waist. I brushed some of her soft hair back and touched the horrible mark on her neck.

"Look. I pointed her towards the mirror a few feet from the foot of the bed. I brushed the mark again, like I could heal it by pure will. "Look what I did to you. I know you have to have felt it."

At first, she didn't even look at what I was showing her. Her eyes roamed over us on the mirror, over my arm around her waist and then my face. Then I saw her sight hone in on my fingers on her neck. I saw slight confusion but not the horror I was expecting - why?

It was followed by her brow smoothing out like she had figured it out. Then a smile unfolded on her lips. She reached up to touch the bruise, actually fucking smiling, her fingers brushing mine.

She met my eyes in the mirror, still smiling absently. "A hickey."

"What?"

"It's . . . it's a hickey," she repeated, less sure now.

I took her chin gently in my hand, turning her face to look at me. I - I wouldn't let her do that. Call it something else to make her feel better - yeah, maybe normal girls got hickeys. But Ness wasn't a normal girl - she was a half-vampire girl with almost impenetrable, and until now, unmarkable skin. I had managed to mark unmarkable skin.

"Nessie, it's a bruise." I wouldn't shy away from what I had done.

"I know that," she said, like it was no big deal. Her eyes fluttered like she wanted to roll them. "What's the big deal?"

The big deal? _The big deal?_

"You don't bruise, Ness! You're half-vampire - you never get a mark on you. Ever." Until now. "And now you've got a bruise. I - I mean, I was being careful, but I didn't know I . . . bit you that hard - "

Not that it's any excuse.

"You didn't, Jake!" She wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled herself closer to me. "It was . . . nice. Really nice."

I didn't want her pitying lies.

"Nessie, don't lie to me, it's not funny - "

"I'm not lying!" I felt her get defensive. I hadn't meant to accuse her like that. "I wouldn't lie to you, Jacob. It was really nice and I didn't even notice it until you brought it up!"

I didn't think I could believe that.

"You mean to tell me it didn't hurt you at all?"

"Did I react like someone in pain?" I remembered how she had arched against me, begged me not to stop. She hadn't, but - "Jacob, think about it: you're a werewolf - your teeth are strong. They're made to cut through vampire skin. I know, of course, that they're not as strong when you're human but I'm only half-vampire, so it evens out."

It evens out. Yes, my teeth were just strong enough to bruise her unbruisable skin. To cut it, if I wanted. Should I be proud?

"All that means is that I'm strong enough to hurt you."

"It didn't hurt, Jake," she said simply. Just like that. "I'm telling you that, honest and simple. I mean. what do you want me to do? Bite you back? Will that make you feel better?"

I knew she hadn't been serious. That she was just talking. But - but I knew her teeth could cut my skin. I healed faster but I still felt pain normally, and I - I deserved it. To feel what I had done.

Another idea of penance, I reckon. I nodded.

"Yes."

"Are you serious?" She thought I wasn't. I let my face show her that I was. "Okay. All right, Jake. I'll bite you if that's what you want."

I could tell from the bright, determined look in her eye that she had something up her sleeve. I didn't want a trick or a ploy to make me feel better. I wanted pain. I wanted to feel what I had caused her - an eye for an eye, a bite for a bite.

"Nessie, I'm being serious here," I warned. "I really want you to bite me like I bit you."

"You're the Alpha, Jake." She actually grinned. "Lay back."

"What?" I wasn't sure what Nessie was up to.

"I'm going to bite you like you bit me." She pressed a tiny hand to my chest and pushed me back onto the bed. "Exactly the same."

"Ness - "

"Don't make this harder than it has to be, Jacob."

Thinking she was finally taking this seriously, I let her lay me back. Then she crawled up beside me and, pushing the material of my shirt down between her legs and swinging her leg back, straddled me. I could feel her, closer than close now, without her pajama pants on. Just underwear.

The shirt slid a few inches higher, revealing some more gorgeous thigh to my eyes and my hands immediately went to her hips. Force of habit.

But this didn't seem right. It didn't feel like a punishment.

"Nessie, don't - "

"Nope, it's too late to change your mind, Jacob. You asked me to bite you and now that's what you're gonna get." She was right. "No use trying to chicken out now."

I wasn't.

She stretched herself out over me, bracing herself above me like I had done with her so often these past few weeks. I wasn't sure where this was going. I opened my mouth to ask but Nessie shot me a hard look so I shut it again.

Our noses were almost brushing. Maybe this was a punishment. The worst kind. The sweetest torture.

"Now, let's . . . set the scene, shall we?" She asked, her voice sexier than I'd ever heard it, and I understood. God, did I understand. But I knew better to interrupt Nessie again and - selfishly - I didn't want to. "To make it more realistic. You didn't give me a hickey while we were watching TV, after all."

Nessie's hair fell around us and I couldn't help but run my hands up and down the gorgeous legs on either side of me. Up and then down, lust jumping in my stomach when I reached the skin where my shirt didn't reach.

"I think we were something like this." She brushed her lips against mine and my heartbeat sped up.

Then she kissed me. And it was so, so good - like coming home - but wrong too. I couldn't enjoy it, I shouldn't enjoy it. Not after what I'd done. I only deserved the pain, not the pleasure.

I didn't want to reject my Ness though so I tried to kiss her back the best I could without parting my lips. But damn, was that girl hard to deny - her hands in my hair, her hips against mine, her mouth against mine . . . it had me wanting to give in.

"You don't want to kiss me, Jacob?" Nessie asked quietly, leaning in to give me another kiss and I groaned. Don't do this do me, Ness.

"Nessie - "

"Either you want to kiss me, Jacob, or you don't." She kissed me again, soft, parting her lips easily around my closed ones. "'Nessie' has nothing to do with it.'"

Nessie has everything to do with it, but if she wanted to be kissed - well, if my girl wanted to be kissed, then kissed she would get.

I brought my head off the back of the pillow to catch her lips when she leaned back in and Nessie made a sound of surprise. I gave in and parted my lips under her and in the next second, her tongue was there. I didn't kiss her hard, though - I toed the line. I could be passionate without being hard, welcome without being rough.

I lost myself in her mouth. She felt so good, all of her, and there was nothing else to it but that. After awhile, Nessie pulled her lips back from mine and dipped her head down to place kisses along my jaw.

"Nessie - " Please don't stop. Please keep going. I need you. Please.

Her head dipped further, her lips seeking their way around my neck and her hips sidling down to straddle my legs. My hands could no longer reach her soft, rounded hips so I had to settle for her waist. She kissed that awesome place where my shoulder went into my neck and I felt her open her lips, run her tongue along there.

God.

"And then I would do this - "

It took me a minute to even realize what she was talking about as she pressed her lips more firmly into my neck, flicking her tongue out. Tasting. Teasing.

"God, Ness - "

I felt her small tongue run over me one more time before I felt her lips draw back, her jaw opening. I waiting in tense anticipation, but not of the pain. I wasn't even thinking about pain anymore. I just wanted her - on me, under me, around me. Her hands, her body, her mouth, her _teeth _- I didn't care, I wanted it all.

Then I felt Nessie's sharp teeth sink into my neck.

It was - painful, I think, but the pain barely registered. All I felt was pleasure. Pure, unadulterated pleasure. It was the sexiest, most erotic thing that I had ever even imagined. I moaned out loud and my hands yanked Nessie down onto me, needing her closer. Always needing her closer.

Blood pounded through my body, rushing down south and I was powerless to stop it. I didn't even try.

Nessie froze above me for a few seconds before I felt her draw in, felt my blood flow out of my body and, I know, into her mouth. God, just the thought was enough to made me hard. Nessie was feeding from me, taking what she needed from my body, nourishment, pleasure. It was carnal. It was mind-blowing.

Nessie moaned and it didn't help my situation anymore. The knowledge that I - my blood - could make her make those noises - well. Nessie's hips pressed forward into mine and I, in a moment of insanity, held them there.

I don't know how long Nessie drank from me, but I know that I moaned again when I felt her withdraw her teeth from my skin. I was panting, my body was on fire, I'd never been so turned on in my _life_. I bit my lip hard in an effort to exercise a little control over my body.

Then Nessie shivered above me and fucking _licked_ the wound on my neck. Straight up licked it, with the flat of her tiny tongue. I could already feel it healing but I wished it wouldn't - I wished I could keep her mark so everyone would know who I belonged to.

I belonged to this amazing creature above me.

Before I could help myself, I had her face in my hands and her mouth against mine. I kissed her deep and hard, making my panting worse than before. She had that new, sexy, coy look in her eyes when I finally let her mouth go.

"Did that hurt, Jacob?"

I didn't care if I was helping her prove a point I didn't necessarily agree with, I didn't care about anything except her. I could only shake my head, threading my fingers in her hair and claiming her lips again.

"That was the most - the fucking sexiest - thing - "

I've ever felt. I've ever seen. I've ever even heard of.

Then Nessie rocked her hips into mine and my hardness, which I had been maintaining at a minimum, increased. I should have stopped her, but I couldn't. I had never felt this, not like this. Every time I'd had Nessie's hips against mine, I'd been restraining my body, but now that I was letting myself feel it, like this, I couldn't give it up. Not yet. Nessie hadn't noticed anyway.

She rolled her hips again and I bit back a groan. There was less between us than ever - just Nessie's panties and my sweatpants - God knows I never wore underwear. Just two layers. Two thin, cotton layers between our skin. I suddenly hated my sweatpants - why did they have to be so thick?

Then Nessie pushed herself up onto her arms, keeping her lips connected with mine, but her intention wasn't lost on me. Her weight settled more heavily onto me this way and the - the friction was so much better.

Nessie seemed to agree too because I smelled her desire come roaring up, strong and potent, and she ground herself hard against me and I couldn't help it. I hardened - all the way.

My mind was thankfully partially functioning enough for me to send my hands flashing down to pull Nessie up, up until she was resting on my stomach, away from the evidence of exactly how big of a freak I was. But that wasn't the end of it - of course that couldn't be the end of it.

I realized that Nessie was now straddling my bare stomach, nothing between my skin and hers except her panties. Her very - wet - panties. Nessie seemed to realize this quickly because she gasped and pushed herself up on her knees as the wolf inside me roared. The human kept him frozen as I reached numbly, almost in shock, down my stomach to touch the place on my body where I'd felt her just seconds ago.

It wasn't lost on me that my fingers were inches away from the most private place on her body, separated by only a thin, flimsy layer of cotton as I brushed my fingers against the skin of my lower stomach. The skin that was still - still slightly damp.

I thought, for the briefest seconds, about turning over my hand and lifting it to the place on her body where I could literally _feel_ the heat emanating from. Sliding her panties aside and -

And every thought knocked out of my head, my fingers threatening mutiny once again, as Nessie's sent hit me full-force. Again. More, stronger than before. Maybe she wanted me to touch her too?

Then in the next heartbeat, she was on the other side of the bed. Fuck. I had done it again.

I sat up and reached for her, my instincts now only to comfort her, my lust a far second but she shied away from me.

"Nessie, honey, what - "

"I'm sorry," she cut me off. Her face was nearly on fire. "I - "

She didn't finish and she didn't need to. I knew what I had done. The one thing I swore I wouldn't do and consistently kept doing again and again.

"Damn it, Nessie, I knew we were going too fast - "

"No!" Nessie's voice, louder than I'd been expecting, took me aback. "I just - I didn't meant to - you must think I'm - "

I wasn't sure what she was trying to tell me, but I knew she needed comfort right now. I reached for her hand and this time she held it out for me to take. The first thing I noticed was that her connection was open. I felt her shame and embarrassment. Then I felt her wonder if I could smell her desire from here.

"Oh, Ness," I heard myself say. Poor Nessie. "Nessie, honey, come here. Please."

I tugged her hand and she relented, letting me pull her into my chest. I knew Nessie had been initially embarrassed by the fact that I could smell how much she wanted me but I thought she was over it - I didn't know she still -

"Is that what you're worried about? That - your - " I stopped and took a breath to gather my thoughts. What exactly was it that was bothering her? "Is it the reaction itself that bothered you, or that I can tell?"

She was quiet for a second before she mumbled, "The last one."

Oh, my sweet girl.

"I don't mind, Nessie," I assured her quietly. If she only knew how much I didn't mind. "I . . . I like it. You affect me too. It's how things work. You can't be . . . ashamed of it. It's natural."

"I . . . affect you like that too?" I should have known that would be what she'd cling to.

"Y-yeah." I thought about just how much she affected me, how just the thought of her could - "It's . . . different with guys, obviously, but yeah. That's . . . that's why I moved you. I just didn't want to make you uncomfortable, but it turns how that was exactly what I did. I'm so sorry, Nessie."

I can't believe I just confessed to Nessie that she just gave me a raging hard-on, but whatever. It was okay. I - honesty, right?

Nessie must've been hella distracted because she didn't move her hand from mine and she didn't close the connection as she continued to think. I felt her replay what happened earlier, felt her remember - with a rush of lust - how I had stirred under her. Hardened against her. Then I felt her wonder if that was what I had meant.

"Yeah." I could only ever be honest with her. I wouldn't let her be confused. "Like that." That's exactly how you affect me.

I felt the click in Nessie's mind, the realization. I was right about her only knowing the basics, literally just the textbook definition. I felt her realize how . . . how my hardness and her wetness would work together, make the act of sex possible. For such a clinic a-ha moment, it was very . . . erotic to watch. Or feel.

I tried not to imagine what that would feel like, our bodies together like that, if we ever were to - to do that. Now wasn't the time.

"Exactly," I whispered, not wanting to shock her again and she blushed. "I understand if this is moving too fast for you, Ness - "

"No." Of course, I was expecting that. "No, Jake. It's not too fast, I just - freaked out, and I didn't know what you would think of me when you . . . felt that."

What I would think of her? Like what, I would be upset? Like the feeling of her wet panties against my stomach could make me feel anything except insane, primal, pounding lust? Like I was supposed to be what, disgusted?

She had to know. I'd told her _so _many times but I'd tell her a thousand more, as many as it took for her to understand. I dipped my head down to brush my lips across her ear.

"The same thing I thought when you bit me, Ness." The same thing I think every time I kiss you. The same thing I think every time I look at you. That I want to take you right then, right there. On the bed, the floor. The side of the car. Always.

Nessie shivered in my arms.

"You - you too." At first I was confused, but then - "I . . . I liked it when you . . . reacted to me too. I didn't know what it was at first, but I liked it."

"Really?" That was kind of unbelievable. I mean, of course I liked Nessie's reaction - warm, wet, sweet-smelling heat - but who'd want something poking them? "I was so scared it was going to freak you out so I - "

"Wait," Nessie cut me off. She wriggled in my arms so she could get a clear look at my face. "You - this . . . it's not the first time, is it?"

I felt my face heat up. I sure as hell walked straight into that once, hadn't I? I shook my head, unable to lie.

Of course it wasn't the first time. Look at you, Ness.

"All the time." I could tell from her voice that it was a guess, but one she was pretty confident with. She ducked her head to meet my eyes. "Right?"

"Usually."

"That's so . . . " I was ready for almost any adjective she was ready to tack onto that sentence. Creepy. Weird. Perverted. Strange. Uncomfortable. "Hot."

"Are you serious?" This was too good to be true.

Nessie's wide brown eyes never left mine as she nodded. "Yes."

"Why?" It may have been a stupid question, but well - there it was.

"I mean, you said you like my . . . reaction too."

"And I do." Let me list the reasons why. "But I don't want you to feel like you have to say that because I did."

"I'm not." I believed her. "I mean, I don't know why I like it. You know how I am . . . I don't know that I like something until it happens because I've never experienced or even seen it before. I know that you want me how I want you but it's different . . . see it, or well . . . _feeling_ it for yourself."

Yes. It was very different. So I added, in an attempt at playfulness, "Or smelling it."

"Or smelling it." Nessie's cheeks turned pink, but she didn't look upset. "But earlier, you . . . you _felt_ it too, right?"

I took a second to gather control of myself as I relived that moment over again, the damp cotton sliding against my skin and the knowledge of what it was. No need to have another wolf moment. "Yes."

Nessie's eyes darkened in the sexiest way and the next second, her mouth was against mine. It took me a second to respond, but then I was gone. It wasn't more than a few seconds before Nessie slung her leg around my hips, pulling herself into my lap and we were right back where we were before.

I tried to gather control, letting my hands fall to her hips before they could tempt mine in ways I knew I couldn't resist. But Nessie whispered "it's okay" against my mouth, ignoring any attempts I could have made to stop her.

I felt her pull dragging me down. No, up. Dragging me up. I was powerless to resist.

Here we go again.

* * *

**Coming up:**

"There's this weird big guy that keeps telling me that, but I'm not sure if I can trust his judgement." She crinkled her nose at me and for a second she looked five. "He's a little crazy."

Crazy I definitely was. Around the loop. It was undeniable that I was clinically, certifiably insane over this girl.

I leaned down and caught her lips softly but it was hard - we were both grinning so big our lips couldn't move how they needed to.

"Stop smiling so much," I muttered when her lips slipped out of the grasp of mine again. I growled like I was angry. "I'm _trying _to kiss you here."

"Well, you're not doing a very good job," she teased back, making me double my efforts, kissing her harder. I'd show her a good job.


	32. Played Like a Fiddle

**_A/N:_** Hello, ladies! Yes, it is a Saturday. Yes, it is an update. Guess why? Today's my birthday! Well, I technically won't be 17 until 8:10 am on the 26th but since it's after twelve, it is the day of my birth!

I've decided to update as a treat to myself and y'all as well. Mostly for me, because I couldn't think of a better birthday present than reviews! lol. Don't go thinking I'm all selfless or anything.

So . . . how about y'all break my review record as a little birthday gift to yours truly?

Although that would be awesome, I am just kidding. I love every single review and appreciate all of them. I love this chapter too, which I just kinda wrote like two days ago. Yeah. I just proof-read it but I'm tired so forgive me if I miss something.

**_Disclaimer: _**I don't own anything, except a really bad day that isn't looking up tomorrow even though it is the anniversary of my birth. This day includes but is not limited to: washing my phone in the washing machine, finding out my Dad has decided to go out of town on my birthday, and injuring myself on multiple occasions. So yeah. :D

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Played Like a Fiddle

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_give me a moment, please  
to tame your wild, wild heart_

_- savage garden, crash and burn_

_-_

The next thing I knew, my hands were on Nessie's soft breasts and her hips were rocking themselves into mine. It wasn't long before I began to lose control of my body again and it seemed thousands of times harder than before to reel it back it - was that because I had gotten sort-of permission?

And Nessie wasn't helping, rocking into me and moaning and sliding her fingernails across my chest. Then she pushed forward harder, squeezing my hips between her thighs and my barely-contained grip on myself disappeared entirely and blood rushed down south. It felt so good, to allow myself to be this hard and pressed up against her, so close, so close to -

No.

I tore my lips from Nessie's and forced my hands down to her hips. I swear I was going to stop her, stop her from rocking into me like that, but my hands finally committed the mutiny they'd been threatening all day. They refused to obey me anymore, pulling Nessie's tiny body right up against mine and my hips rising up to meet her.

My mouth, it seemed, was still on my side because I was able to pant, "Ness, I - can't - we have to stop."

Even as I said it though, I was grinding my hips forward into her. I wanted to scream. I had never felt anything so good in my life.

"Does it feel good, Jacob?" Her sweet voice asked quietly, her fingers brushing my neck gently even as her hips kept a rhythm against mine.

"Yes - " Our hips came together, the friction more delicious than ever and I hissed. Nessie did too. "_Fuck _yes, but we - it's too - "

"S'not too fast." I couldn't stop her. She was literally working me over and I was powerless to stop it. "I trust you, Jake. It feels too good to stop."

The girl made too much sense. It did feel entirely too good to stop.

Nessie slipped her tongue past my lips, exploring my mouth boldly, her body rocking against mine while she made the hottest sounds - I grew harder.

"Oh."

Nessie ground herself up against me again and it got worse, or better, I'm not sure. I was impossibly hard. Harder than I'd ever been. It was actually painful.

"What?"

"Nothing." She kissed me again. "It's just . . . nice, is all."

"Nice?" The thought that Nessie was enjoying - I mean, obviously she was enjoying - but the thought that she could take pleasure from my body like that - I moaned and kissed her again.

"Nice."

It was time to stop. I felt myself get a grip back on my morals. This was too much, too fast. We'd covered enough ground for today and if I - if I felt Nessie's hips against little Jake one more time, I was going to lose it. And not even in the wolfy way - just the embarrassing one.

"I love you," I told her. If you'd told me when I was a teenager that I'd enjoy saying this to a girl so much, I never would've believe you. But it was literally my favorite thing to say.

"I love you too," she said back, her eyes bright and beautiful. Her body trembling, her scent still in the air . . .

"I love you so much." Please don't be angry with me, Nessie. I kissed her again. "And I want to give you whatever you want, all the time."

"Me too, Jake." She nodded and I could see her lips straining forward, reaching for mine. It was so hard to ignore. "Me too."

"And I want you, Nessie. A lot." More than you could imagine. "I can tell you doubt that sometimes, and you shouldn't."

"I don't." I could tell that wasn't completely true.

"I need to stop now." Okay, Ness? Please don't be angry. "Okay? For me. I can't . . . it's too much."

My head and several other parts of my body are about to _explode_.

The corners of Nessie's beautiful eyes turned down and her face got . . . concerned.

"Too much . . . for you?"

"Yes." That sounded stupid, but - "I know that you trust me, Nessie, infinitely, and you don't know how much I appreciate that. I swear I do. But I can't abuse it."

I can't take advantage of your teenage hormones and your beautiful body and use it to take my pleasure. I won't.

I kissed Nessie softly for a few seconds, needing the connection.

"And I've been doing that today more often than I should." I saw her look confused, so I knew I had to elaborate. "I keep getting caught up in your body and your smell and how much I love you and I just want to fall into you and never come back up." Nessie flushed a gorgeous pink. "You - you let me . . . touch you today, and . . . undress you, in a way." I was whispering. "And I bit you, and then . . . after that, we got carried away and I . . . pushed you past your comfort zone - "

Nessie shook her head fiercely, but I had been expecting it.

"You know what I mean," I told her sternly and she shivered in my arms. I wouldn't let her try and take the responsibility from me. "And now . . . this. It's amazing, Ness, but it's too much. I touch you and I never want to stop. I kiss you and I start to want more and . . . and I need to stop."

"Okay, Jacob." Her voice was soft and her lips were too, when she kissed me. "I understand . . . and I'm sorry. I know what you mean now - I would never want you to do something you're not ready for."

Not ready for? I was more than ready. I was ready enough to take her right now - the thing was, Nessie wasn't. And even if she was, I - I couldn't let Nessie's first time be in some crappy hotel. She deserved so much more than that.

Nessie's first time deserved to be . . . on her wedding night.

"Not not ready for." I rolled us onto her sides, pulled her into me. "I . . . I just don't want it to be like this."

"Wh - what do you mean by that?"

"I mean that I never pictured it like this." That I would mess things up so badly, so consistently. "You deserve more than this."

Nessie gave a weird, sudden exhale. Like she was relieved, about what I didn't know. I kept on.

"You deserve five star resorts and candles and roses and someone who knows what they're doing." Not shitty hotels and cold pizza and hot soda and me. "You deserve your Mom to be there for your first date and it definitely shouldn't be while you're on the run from psycho bloodsuckers. You deserve for your first kiss to be perfect and romantic and not after you've spent the last four hours holding a grown man while he bawls his eyes out." You deserve for your first time to be perfect and amazing and it _won't_ be here. "And I . . . I just want to give you that, but I keep messing it up."

"Jacob, you have never once messed it up." I find that hard to believe. "I don't _like _that stuff. I like Quileute bracelets and sunflowers, not diamond rings and roses."

I let her words make me feel the smallest bit better. It was true - Nessie didn't like the big and fancy style of the Cullens. She was more, well . . . more like me.

"I don't want you to wear a tux and recite me poetry." She paused here to give a giggle. Yeah, I couldn't imagine doing that either. "I want to play chase and eat pizza with you in our sweats. Preferably you'd be shirtless, but it's not a prerequisite."

I couldn't help but grin, fucking cheesing it over just how amazing this damn girl was. I kissed her hard for a few short seconds.

"Only if you're wearing it."

"Deal." She smiled. "Promise never to read me poetry first, though."

"Can I sing?" I teased.

She acted like she was thinking about it, looking adorable. "Only if you ask first. I need ample warning."

I agreed.

"So . . . are you over your extreme desire to wine and dine me now?"

"Not completely. I still think you deserve the best." I'll always think that and I'll always break my neck to get it for you.

"I've got it." Nessie shrugged her tiny shoulders. "How could it get better than this?"

I ignored that so I wouldn't jump her again, tugging her a little closer to me. Just a little.

"So you're telling me you never had dreams about big white weddings and knights and shining armor and all that shit?"

I almost didn't hear Nessie's reply since my brain was suddenly stuck on the image of Nessie in a white dress walking towards me down a long aisle. I'd never wanted anything so bad.

I pulled myself out of it just in time to hear her tell me that the knight in shining armor thing was overrated. Her eyes kinda floated off for a second before she said, "I'd take a werewolf in jeans any day."

"You're perfect." She was. I kissed her. She was perfect. "Did you know that?"

"There's this weird big guy that keeps telling me that, but I'm not sure if I can trust his judgement." She crinkled her nose at me and for a second she looked five. "He's a little crazy."

Crazy I definitely was. Around the loop. It was undeniable that I was clinically, certifiably insane over this girl.

I leaned down and caught her lips softly but it was hard - we were both grinning so big our lips couldn't move how they needed to.

"Stop smiling so much," I muttered when her lips slipped out of the grasp of mine again. I growled like I was angry. "I'm _trying _to kiss you here."

"Well, you're not doing a very good job," she teased back, making me double my efforts, kiss her harder. I'd show her a good job.

A few seconds later, things had heated up faster than I intended and I made myself pull away. Damn it, not again. Couldn't I just be normal?

"Nessie - "

"No, Jacob, I'm sorry - don't go." Nessie immediately took the urgency out of the kiss, took her leg down from where it had begun to creep over my hip. "I'll be good. This is okay, right?"

She slipped her tongue gently past my lips and I forgot what I was saying.

"Huh?"

Nessie untangled her lips from mine to place kisses all around my mouth, only giving me small kisses when my mouth tried to reach forward for hers.

"This is good, right, Jake?"

She slipped her tongue inside my mouth again and I reached mine out to taste her. I loved the way her tongue felt against mine - it was so . . . _intimate_.

"Mmm. Good."

"Good," Nessie agreed and I realized I'd been played. Again.

I went with it.

Finally, we slept. I always slept better with Nessie so I drifted off not too long after her. She was still there, of course, even in my dreams. Except that a constant, irritating pressure persisted in them too. And itching.

It finally woke me up. I felt fine once I was awake though, so I just watched Nessie's peaceful form sleeping until it was late enough to wake her up. I leaned down and kissed her soft cheek.

Her gorgeous eyes fluttered open - they were always extra beautiful when she woke up - and I watched them hone in on my face. I watched her hand lift up to run across my jaw, her touch feeling different than usual against my skin.

"What is that?"

I reached my hand up instinctively to investigate for myself, my fingers brushing against Nessie's, and I immediately realized what the problem was. Fuck.

"Shit, man," I said instead, scratching at the stupid stubble on my face. That explained the itching. "I knew it was coming - I could feel it. There isn't a razor in the bathroom, is there?"

Nessie shook her head. Shit - I'd have to wait until we could buy one which'd probably mean waiting until tonight to shave.

"So . . . it's facial hair?" Nessie looked confused. Probably because she'd never seen me with it before. Bet I looked weird. I hope it wasn't patchy - it didn't feel like it.

"Yeah." I scratched at my jaw again - I hated the way it felt. "It's irritating as hell.

"I've got a razor." Well, if that just didn't make my day. "I've already used it once, though. For my legs. Is that okay?"

I held back a smile at the thought of Nessie in the shower, sliding the razor up her slim white legs. The same razor I would use to shave my face in a few seconds. Guess I could add razors to the list too.

"Yeah, that's fine." I pushed myself up and looked down at Nessie, still lying on her back on the bed and looking delicious. "Can I get it?"

"Sure, sure." I grinned at her using my words and then I grinned at the nice glimpse of her ass that I caught as she rolled out of bed. "Just a second."

She fished it from her bag and handed it out to me. I thanked her and rolled off the bed myself, heading to the bathroom. Nessie followed me, watching with curious eyes as I cut on the water.

I pulled my hair back, remembering how Nessie like that, so I met her eyes in the mirror and smirked. She rolled her eyes at me but her cheeks were pink. I couldn't pretend to understand what she thought was so hot about it, but I sure was gonna milk it for all it was worth.

I reached back behind me then and stripped off my shirt that I pulled on last night before I fell asleep, thinking it'd make things a little . . . easier. Nessie was looking at me questioningly so I told her, "I'll just get it wet. I always do."

Every damn time.

"Why are you growing hair now?" Nessie burst out, loudly. I heard her heart stutter. "You're - you're not . . . aging, are you?"

What - what the hell?

I just stood, frozen, trying to process everything as Nessie started almost fucking panting, her heart leaping around her chest. I could _see_ the terror on her face, but I couldn't - I didn't understand -

Finally I snapped out of it and realized Nessie was well on her way to a nervous breakdown if I didn't give her an answer. I reached my hand out to her.

"No, Nessie, no."

Nessie reached out and took my hand and I pulled her tight against my chest. She was _shaking_. She pressed her face into my chest and shuddered.

"Are you . . . are you sure?"

"Of course, Ness." I shifted in a way that let her know I wanted her to look at me but she wouldn't comply. I shook her gently until she did. She looked like she was about to cry. "Hey, now. Hey. Listen: I'm fine. I'm not going anywhere, and I'm _not_ aging."

W-why would she even think that?

"So . . . so then why now do you have to shave when you never did before?"

God. Was that what this was all about? A little scratchy hair? This whole panic attack was induced by my five o'clock shadow?

Oh, my girl. My heart panged as I imagined the panic she must have felt.

Then I thought about her love for me, how strong it had to be for just the thought of me beginning to age to freak her out like that. I smiled, just a little. And lifted her up onto the bathroom counter. She gave the cutest little squeak. I reached behind her and turned off the water as I stepped between Nessie's legs that she had parted so I could. I reached up to touch her face.

"The phasing affects it," I explained, and kissed her forehead. Silly, sweet Nessie. "I'm not sure how, but you're phasing every day it just doesn't seem to grow. When you're not doing it as often, it starts up again, but it takes awhile and it's always erratic."

Nessie let out a deep breath and her body sagged, just a little.

"It's only happened to me two or three times, since I've phased so regularly over the past eight years, but enough to know it's annoying." I stuck my finger under Nessie's chin, guiding her face up to look at me. I kissed her softly. "Don't be scared, Nessie. Everything's going to be just fine - I'm so sorry to scare you like that."

Poor baby. Don't ever be scared. I'll never leave you, Nessie.

I felt a flutter by my eyes and pulled back from Nessie's lips to see tears running down Nessie's cheeks, her eyelashes fluttering as she tried to pull them back. Panic exploded in my stomach.

"Nessie, why are you crying?" What did I do, honey? I'll never leave you, I swear. "Everything's fine, I swear to you."

"I'm just happy," she bit out, melting my heart. The tears were coming faster now - I hated them, even if they were from joy. I hated myself for causing them. I should have known Nessie would have been confused - I should have explained right away. "I'm just so happy."

The strength of her love hit me like a ton of bricks - it literally knocked the breath right out of me. Then Nessie reached up and thread her fingers into my hair and pulled me back to her lips. She kissed me softly but insistently and I didn't need her gift to feel her love for me then.

"You make me so happy." Her tiny fingers reached in between our faces to wipe her tears. "I don't ever want to be without you."

I gently moved her hands away from her face and took their place, wiping her tears. I almost - emotion started to rise up in me, love so strong I thought I might - I mean, that pricking behind my eyes - but I pulled it back.

"Damn it, Nessie." I moved my lips to kiss her eyelids and she closed them for me so I could. "I love you so much it hurts."

"I'm sorry, for being such a baby." A baby? Nessie, you are definitely not a baby. "I just - for a seconds I thought - and I just couldn't -

"I know." I kissed her lips again to cut her off. I knew what it was like to contemplate the possibility of losing your other half, even in theory. If it had been half as painful for her as it was for me, I didn't want her to think about it ever again. "Trust me, Nessie, I know."

"I can't _ever _be without you." Nessie was so serious that I couldn't do anything but nod.

"You won't be." I kissed her again and she flinched a little. I realized it was from the hair on my face. I rubbed my stupid, prickly jaw again - anything that made Nessie flinch from my kisses was pure evil in my book. "I guess I better go ahead and get rid of this, huh?"

Nessie nodded and smiled, reaching her tiny hand up again to brush my jaw.

"Are you okay now? I checked, and Nessie nodded.

"I'm fine, Jake. Really." Her bright eyes flashed down and then up, shyly. "I love you."

I didn't even say anything - I just cheesed it, grinning so hard my face felt like it was gonna split open and kissed her cheek one more time before I moved over to get to the sink.

I turned the sink back on, fished some soap from the shower and lathered it up. I ran over my neck and jaw, hoping the soap would keep me from slicing myself but I knew it was a lost cause. I was just hopeless at it.

I tried not to watch Nessie watching me out of the corner of my eye, but I did anyway. She eventually turned so she was sitting sideways, cross-legged on the counter, facing me. I rinsed off my hands and started to look for the razor but Nessie held it out under my nose.

What would I do without her?

"Now you're gonna get to see, besides the itching, why I hate this so much." Just so she was warned - I didn't want her freaking out or anything.

I watched her eyes for a couple more seconds before I tore mine away - wouldn't do any good to end up committing accidental suicide because I'd sliced my own throat while shaving because I was enthralled by Nessie's eyes.

I was almost halfway done before I nicked myself the first time. I cussed and pressed my fingers over it, feeling it heal under them. Good thing about being a werewolf.

"Oh," said Nessie's quiet voice. "Are you okay?"

I couldn't let that one go without a scoff. I wasn't that delicate.

"Duh, Ness. It's not the nicks that bother me. It's that eight years after becoming an extremely dexterous werewolf, I still can't shave without cutting myself."

"Your ego doesn't heal super-werewolf-fast?" Nessie teased, hitting the nail on the head. I wanted to jump for her, see if she was up for another hunt, but I drew the urge back.

After that, I was more aware of Nessie's eyes on me, her soft gasps with each cut and my concentration scrambled. I got myself like three more times after that, but I finally was itch-free. Thank God.

I managed not to get my sweatpants wet, but my chest was another story. Oh, well. That's why I'd taken off the shirt. I stood up and faced Nessie, about to ask her what she wanted to do today, when I saw that her eyes weren't on my face.

I looked back and forth between myself and her before I realized she was following a drop of water. Her eyes darkened as she watched, my stomach twisted as I realized that she was - well, checking me out. She tugged the corner of one of those beautiful pink lips of hers between her teeth as I felt the drop get near my naval and I knew I had to stop this. I couldn't let her eyes get that low.

I reached down and swiped the water away, seeing that it broke her concentration. Her eyes widened and then flashed up to my face, her cheeks turning pink. It was probably more in character to tease her, but I couldn't. I couldn't tease her for looking at me like that - there wasn't a funny thing about it.

I held my arms out to Nessie to help her down, even though she didn't need it, and she stared at me like I had a trick up my sleeve. "What?"

"You wanna get down, don't you?"

"Yeah, okay," she said and then turned so I could take her in my arms. She wrapped her arms around my neck and her legs around my waist and then I had her in my arms.

I wanted to kiss her - so, so bad. But I hadn't thought this all the way through. If I kissed her now - well, we needed to do some driving today and if I kissed her now, we wouldn't be.

Feeling like I was committing treachery, I set the beautiful girl in my arms down.

I expressed how much better I felt once we were back in the room, reaching for my bag. I asked Nessie if she wanted to shower first.

"You can. You're already half undressed."

I couldn't help but grin at that. "Aren't I always?"

And Nessie liked it that way.

Nessie ignored that as I started to dig through my bag for clothes. I grabbed some jeans and a wife-beater. If Nessie liked looking, I might as well give her something to look at.

"So you feel better?"

"Oh, yeah." I reached up to touch my jaw, smooth now. "I don't know how guys grow beards. Besides, you wouldn't want to kiss me half as much as you do now if I kept scratching you every time."

"I'd kiss you anyway." I know you would, honey. Nessie held her hand out to me. "Is it smoother now? Let me feel."

I walked over to her, feeling both cocky and a little shy, and let her run the back of her smooth hand across my cheek and then down my jaw.

"It's nice." Her eyes lingered in my jaw. "Your ego still hurt?"

I remembered her teasing from earlier. I realized I might be able to turn this into a game so I pretended like my feelings were hurt. "A little."

Nessie's heart sped up.

"Poor baby." She traced one of her perfect, long nails down my jaw. Tease. "Anything I can do to help?"

"A kiss would help." She had to have seen that one coming.

"Hmm." She ran her hand down to my shoulder. "Okay . . . but where is your ego exactly?"

Uh . . . what?

She couldn't have meant that as dirty as it sounded to my ears. But . . . she wasn't being completely innocent either.

Then my girl stepped forward and pressed her smooth lips to the very center of my chest, between my pecs. Kissing. Kissing my chest.

"Is it here?"

I could stop her. I could tell her no, push her gently away and hurt her feelings. But - but I didn't want to. This was okay, right? Nessie was initiating it and she was leading and - and it was okay. Right?

"N-no," my mouth answered.

Her soft lips pressed themselves into my right pec and I couldn't help but tense the muscle under her mouth. Nessie made a quiet noise that I think was appreciative.

"Here?"

"No."

I had to keep a tight hold on myself to keep from actually fucking shaking. How far would she go?

* * *

**Coming up:**

Even if you wanted stupid goddamn fucking Seth. I tried to tell myself to calm down, that Nessie didn't want Seth. That she never did. I knew that, but the memory was too deeply ingrained. It's hard to change a mental association you kept for so long.

Seth = deep-seated jealousy and hatred.

"Oh, Jake." Nessie took my hand and pulled it into her lap. I tried to let that sooth me. "I never wanted anything besides you. Even before I realized it."

I pushed away the bad shit - all the nights I fucking twisted around on crappy, nasty hotel floors and tried to push thoughts of Nessie walking up to me with Seth, hand in hand. Even when I knew it was impossible because of Seth's imprint, the thought ate at me. Even worse was the one where Nessie came crying to me over him, begging me to help her. And I had no choice . . .


	33. Nurse Nessie

**_A/N: _**First off, I just want to say thank you all so much for all the birthday wishes and messages! You are all so, so awesome and amazing beyond words. Really. It's not even fair that I have readers this cool. I owe you forever.

Now, onto the chapter-y stuff: I'm sure you all remember it from _HoM_, when Nessie chooses an interesting method to sooth Jake's insecurities. Now you get to see what was inside Jake's head the whole time - I knew all along, and now so do you. **Alphas and Imprints** has finally been updated, belatedly - sorry about that. So make sure you skedaddle on over and check out this week's rec, which I think is more than deserving.

Well, now I'm 17! I guess. I feel the same - only one more year before I can legally read what I write. :)

**_Disclaimer:_** I don't own anything - not even a birthday cake. My best friend made me one, but we ate it all. :D

**_Dedication:_** This is dedicated to all you guys who wished me a happy birthday - you all rock. This is for you.

**

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Nurse Nessie

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_i used to think happy endings were only in the books i read  
but you made me feel alive when i was almost dead_

_- crazytown, butterfly_

-

Her tiny arm wrapped itself around my waist and pulled herself against me, like I usually did with her. Her body raised up against me as she pushed herself up onto her tiptoes since she was so short that just reaching my chest made her strain. And she kissed the front of my shoulder.

"Here?"

I couldn't talk. I didn't trust myself to talk so I just shook my head. Then Nessie stretched herself even further, to the very limit, and pressed her lips to the very top of my shoulder. The feeling of her mouth on my skin was driving me insane - I couldn't concentrate.

"What about here, Jacob?"

I just shook my head again.

"Then where is it?"

Wasn't it obvious where my ego was?

"I thought you would know that it's wired directly to my mouth."

"That makes sense." Nessie took her arm from around my waist and wrapped it around my neck with her other one. "My mistake."

I was about to tell her she was already forgiven, but with a tug that hardly put any strain on my neck at all, Nessie used her arms to pull herself straight up my body and caught my mouth in the hottest kiss. Open-mouthed and hot as hell, tongues and lips and teeth and just - fuck.

I groaned out loud against her mouth and grabbed her waist to keep her right where she was. I traced her lips with my tongue, trying to make her do that hot squirming thing she did and was pleased to see it worked. Nessie wriggled her body, half-shivering, in my arms, her lips more than keeping up with mine.

Nessie finally detached her mouth and when her eyes opened, I could see the lust settled there.

"Better now?" Her voice had never been sexier.

I was sad because it was over, but I was proud of my Ness. She'd stopped on her own - pretty much a first. I was relieved she took that responsibility from me; it was so hard to pull away from her.

"Much better." And much hotter. I kissed her again, twice. "All healed. I swear to God, I'll slash myself open with a razor every day if this is the kind of aftercare I'll get."

Nurse Nessie. Damn - that was shower material for sure.

"Intentionally harm a hair on your own head and I'll kill you, Jacob Black." She looked pretty scary until she kissed me. "If you want - what did you call it? - _aftercare_, all you have to do is ask."

See now, when she said it, it was just so much sexier.

"You really shouldn't give me those sort of privileges." Too tempting. "You'll find yourself with a very little amount of free time." Just warning you.

Nessie bit that lip. "Promise?"

Now that was two things in just as many sentences that she stole from me.

"You are seriously going to have to become more original and start coming up with your own stuff," I teased her. "You can't keep stealing mine."

"It's called irony." Nice save, but na-uh.

"It's called copying."

"Whatever, Jake."

She kissed me.

"You're only giving up that easy because you know I'm right." For once.

She kissed me again.

"_Whatever_, Jake."

Another kiss.

"And you're jealous." Hey - if it was getting me kisses, I wasn't about to stop.

I got another one.

"I'm about to bruise more than your ego, Jacob, seriously."

Nessie melded her lips to mine again and I tried not to laugh at her threat. That one was good. But Jacob Black didn't give up that easily.

"Jea-lous." Nessie gave me a deeper kiss than the one before it. At the same time her tiny foot kicked me in the knee. "Ow."

The next kiss was nicer, like she was kissing it better, but there was some triumph in it too. "I told you."

I shook out my leg like it hurt more than it did so she could feel happy with herself. I took one more kiss to get ready to say goodbye to her warmth for now.

"I think that if we're going to have any hope of getting out of this hotel today, I'm going to have to put you down now."

Regrettably. Nessie nodded so I set her down.

"Sorry for kicking you," she said sweetly, only half-sincerely as I picked up my clothes that I had dropped . . . uh, actually I don't know when. Sometimes during the time Nessie's lips were all over my chest.

"No, you're not." I smiled to let her know it was okay.

She just smirked, turned pink, and said, "Go take a shower, Jake."

"Miss me," I instructed.

"I'll miss the quiet when you get _back_," Nessie threw back, so I fluttered my eyes at her, knowing she was only kidding.

It was great that our friendship stayed the same - I wouldn't want it to change. I just wanted to be able to feel and kiss her sweet body once and awhile too. That was the only thing that felt like it was missing.

I took my shower quick like I'd been doing lately, all the better to avoid little Jake's screaming. I dressed and was toweling my hair when I walked out. Nessie was waiting, her clothes already gathered in her arms and I snapped my towel at her ass as she walked past but she dodged it. Damn.

Since I had pretty much nothing to do while Nessie showered, I started getting our stuff together. That only took a few seconds, so I threw our trash away and even straightened up the covers a little too. It was stupid but Nessie thought it was rude to leave the room a mess. I told her that housekeeping was built into the bill and that even shitty places like this had to strip the bed after each visitor, but she stood her ground and I liked making her happy.

She smiled brightly at me when she saw what I had done, coming out of the shower looking fresh and gorgeous. All that was left to pack was Nessie's night clothes - my shirt - and then we were good to go. She gave it to me and I did, swinging our bags up onto my shoulder and taking Nessie's hand.

We went to check out and the creepy older lady at the desk was looking at me weird. Like a cross between outrage that me and Nessie were very obviously together and well . . . jealousy. She brushed her hand against mine a little too deliberately as she handed me my change, looking at me in a way that frankly sent shudders down my spine. When anybody but Nessie did it, it was just gross.

Speaking of Nessie, I don't think creepy-register-lady had escaped her notice, because she buried herself into my side, closer than usual. I almost - almost laughed. Was she - jealous? Of what, this woman?

It was quite frankly kind of stupid for Nessie to be jealous of anyone, but I didn't want her being insecure. I had no problem letting everyone know I was hers and I didn't want her to think that I did. I would've laid a big one on her right there in front of the old hag but I wasn't sure how Nessie felt about kissing in public - we never had before.

Something subtler, then.

I put our change in my pocket and pushed our bags further up on my shoulder so Nessie could lean into me more comfortably. Then I said something I'd been wanting to say for awhile.

"You hungry, baby?"

I usually called my girl Nessie or Ness, sometimes honey. Renesmee when I was trying to be serious, but I didn't like doing that. But I'd never called her baby - it's something I'd had the urge to do for awhile, but hadn't worked up the nerve to.

Nessie turned her beautiful face up towards me, her cheeks pink, and I felt mine heat up too. I suddenly felt shy - what if she thought it was weird? Corny? Creepy?

"Mmm." She bit her lip. It was a strangely intimate moment, especially to be had right in front of the hotel register. "A little."

I looked back at the woman to see her looking pissed. Good. I remembered a sign advertising breakfast and asked her about it.

It turned out to be some piss-tasting coffee and a couple of donuts. When I announced, louder than I meant to, that I could piss better coffee than what was in my cup, I was immediately embarrassed.

I mean, I cussed in front of Nessie all the time, moreso now that she was all grown up and we were practically living together and all that. The point was, Nessie was no stranger to a 'damn' and 'shit' and the not-so-occasional 'fuck', but I was never exactly _crude_ around her. You know, like - I never made dirty, disgusting guy jokes or anything so I - well - it just made me uncomfortable.

But of course Nessie fixed that. She flew back in her seat and threw her arm over her eyes like a chick from an old movie. "Yes, your cursing has morally offended my delicate and innocent sensibilities. I'll never be the same."

I kicked her chair leg back. She was just too damn cute.

"You're awesome, Ness." I took some of her donut. "I don't think I tell you that enough."

"Trust me, you do." Then handed me the rest of her donut, stood up, and _licked_ icing from her fingers. Licked. With her tongue. "How about Awesome Ness makes you some coffee that hopefully tastes better than piss?"

I watched her study the coffee maker, let my eyes linger on the curve of her ass for exactly three seconds before I tore them away.

"Can you?"

"Sure, it'll only cost your firstborn's eyes." She rolled her pretty brown ones at me and I couldn't help but wonder if - if my firstborn would have those eyes. "It's just coffee, Jacob."

She squatted down to dig under the cabinets, her shirt rising up a few inches in the back and not helping me in the least. I watched Nessie pull back with a box of coffee then pull out the half-full pot of coffee. She studied it for about three seconds before she poured the whole thing in the trash can. I was shocked.

It was just so rude and inconsiderate and so . . . un-Nessie-like. It also was kinda hot. I watched her fix the coffee, looking all grown, and then sat back down beside me. I had ate all the donuts except two so I pushed them towards her. I saved the strawberry because I knew she liked them best. I was more of a chocolate guy myself anyway.

"Eat, Ness."

"Take one." She threw one at me. "Grandpa Carlisle's already gonna kill me when he sees me anyway for eating so much sugar."

Oh, shit. I immediately verbalized this thought, sitting straight up in my seat. She shouldn't be eating so much crap - I'd been feeding her like she was a teenage werewolf. "I hadn't even thought of that. You shouldn't be eating so much junk."

"Jacob, I'm fine," she said, but I wasn't having it. "Grandpa Carlisle is just overprotective - "

"Yeah, and so am I." If you hadn't noticed. I snatched her donut from her - no more junk for us. "God, I'm an idiot. They were always so careful, making sure your diet was balanced. We don't know what might happen if that changes for too long. It could affect your health!"

"Jake - " No. No 'Jake'.

"I'm sorry, Nessie, I really am." I'll fix it, I promise. "I should have been taking better care of you. I'm so sorry, Nessie."

I reached out to take her hand. I was so pissed at myself right now. How was I supposed to reverse more than a month of crappy eating? I had to get my Ness back on track. I couldn't let her - get sick or -

"It's okay, Jake, really." Nessie squeezed my huge hand in her tiny one. "You take perfect care of me. We'll just eat more carefully." Like hell we will. "Forget the donuts - you'll pick up a bagel or something. Don't freak out."

I wasn't. I wasn't gonna freak out. But I was going to fix this.

"Don't worry, Ness," I told her. "I got this."

We were going to get a crash course in health. And that's how we ended up at the farmer's market.

I hadn't necessarily thought it through all the way - like exactly how irresistible Nessie could be in any given situation. Especially a Nessie sucking on fruit. Okay, so it was just a strawberry, but damn. And I couldn't even ravish her properly because we were in public.

I bought everything as fast as I could so we could get back in the car. I bought a cooler and some ice too, to keep the fruit fresh. No more burgers and pizza for us. Not for awhile.

We got back into the car - I was a little sad to see Nessie's faint luminescent shine disappear in the shadows the dark tint created. I offered Nessie a bundle of bananas when we got in, since I knew she liked them.

I was a little nervous - Nessie had been teasing me a little more than usual about the health thing and I really, really hoped she'd just go with me on this. Nessie'd never really rebelled against anything I'd told her to do but if she started now - especially when it was just us, about her health, I'd have to put my foot down and I didn't want to fight with her.

But she just smiled and said they were fine so I set them in her lap. She offered me one but I told her to eat first - I'd get one once we were back on the road. Concentrated on getting out of the crowded parking lot, I hardly noticed Nessie holding out a half-peeled banana.

"I'm gonna eat too, Jake." She shook the banana at me. "Don't worry. Just taking care of you first, _baby_."

I heard the teasing in her voice and felt my face heat up. Did she not like it?

I took the banana from her hand and snatched most of it off with my teeth, to eat some time. Literally.

"Sorry," I said after I swallowed, just in case. "If you don't like it. You just - I could tell you were getting pissed at that lady and I just - you know, wanted to let her know - "

"Know?"

I felt myself get even redder and ate the last bit of the banana, dropping the peel into my lap. I would say it, though. I wasn't ashamed.

"That I'm yours."

"I like it," her sweet voice said clearly, making relief course through me. "I was just teasing. Now you know what it feels like."

Minx.

I watched from the corner of my eye as Nessie snatched off two bananas. She peeled one, then _stuck it in her mouth_, holding it with her lips as she peeled the other one. I may have been a werewolf, but I was still part human and I was definitely still a man so - well, that almost about made me crash the car.

She held the second banana out to me when she was done. "Have another banana."

I took it from her, taking a littler bite this time so it'd last longer and I wouldn't have to see Nessie pull that particular double-banana-peel trick again. I didn't think I could handle it.

But because, besides giving me Nessie, fate had it out for me - or maybe just Nessie did - the girl reached _into my lap_ and grabbed the banana peel sitting there, tossing to the the floor. My leg tensed up as I felt her fingers, even through my jeans, and I fought of my body's reaction. Not now.

"Sorry," I heard Nessie whisper a few seconds later, probably just realizing what she'd done. Sweet girl.

"Don't be." She was just trying to be nice - she wasn't the one who was fucked up in the head. "I'm the one with . . . issues."

Everything was quiet for a few seconds.

"Are we going to be driving for long today?"

"Eh." I thought about it. We still had a couple of days - I just didn't like staying in any one place too long. "'Bout another hour or so. Why?"

She wasn't feeling sick again or anything, was she? It wasn't the fifth, was it?

"No reason." She answered too quick. I looked over to see her beautiful eyes dark, focused on my shoulders. Again, Ness? Are you trying to kill me, honey? "Just . . . wondering."

I averted my eyes as she brought the banana to her lips again, her cheeks bright pink. It embarrassed her that I caught her staring, but it shouldn't.

"I - " I knew it was only to help Nessie out, level the honesty field, but it was still kinda nerve-wracking. "I don't like driving that much anymore either. But we've got to."

"I know we do." Nessie nodded and fell quiet for a second. Then, "Anymore?"

Here we go. Let's see if Jake can express his feelings without scaring, hurting, or injuring somebody.

"Before, I liked driving, because it was the time I was . . . closest to you. I could hold your hand and have you close and not feel bad. I could . . . justify it." Justifying the unjustifiable, that's Jake. "But when we were in the hotel room, I couldn't. I had no reason to sit that close or touch you that much or . . . you know?"

Please say you do.

"Yeah." I almost sagged against the seat in relief. "I do."

I should have stopped there. I really should have. But I didn't.

"And . . . and I thought you . . . loved Seth, y'know, so I kept kicking myself." Shit, I hadn't thought about that in awhile. It was amazing how I'd forgotten how much pain that'd been. "'Cause I just want you to be happy, Ness, I swear, but I was so sure that _I _could make you happy. More than him." Definitely more than him. "I just kept wanting to show you, to prove to you that I could be better. But at the same time, I could never stand in the way of what you wanted."

Even if you wanted stupid goddamn fucking Seth. I tried to tell myself to calm down, that Nessie didn't want Seth. That she never did. I knew that, but the memory was too deeply ingrained. It's hard to change a mental association you kept for so long.

Seth = deep-seated jealousy and hatred.

"Oh, Jake." Nessie took my hand and pulled it into her lap. I tried to let that sooth me. "I never wanted anything besides you. Even before I realized it."

I pushed away the bad shit - all the nights I fucking twisted around on crappy, nasty hotel floors and tried to push thoughts of Nessie walking up to me with Seth, hand in hand. Even when I knew it was impossible because of Seth's imprint, the thought ate at me. Even worse was the one where Nessie came crying to me over him, begging me to help her. And I had no choice . . .

No. No, Nessie was mine and we were together and I wouldn't tell her about that. I wouldn't make her feel guilt.

"But now - Nessie - you don't know how good it feels to not have to feel bad about wanting you. I mean, I felt like such a pervert. I wanted to touch you all the time - I kept looking for any excuse. I - that's why I couldn't sleep on the bed with you, Ness. I'm sorry, I know it hurt you and I . . . I heard you cry, sometimes." I'm so sorry I never did anything, never comforted you. "Well, I thought I did, but I pushed it to the back of my mind. Told myself I was hearing things."

I forced myself to look at her.

"I couldn't handle it - I wasn't strong enough." She needed to know that. She over-estimated me, I know it. "You needed your best friend but every time you wrapped your arms around me, I - I mean, I wanted to comfort you, but not how I thought you needed. I wanted to kiss you and hold you closer than I should have wanted." Snatch your clothes off, take you hard and fast and you didn't even _know _- "And your parents trusted me with you, to keep you safe but all I could think about was kissing you and touching you and telling you everything and making you finally see that I was the one who was perfect for you - not Seth. Not him."

Never him. Stupid, fucking Seth.

I really should have stopped then, but my mouth wouldn't listen. I just kept pouring my guts out onto the dash in front of us, filling the whole damn car up with them.

"And I kept trying to cut myself of fin exactly the right way, the right amount but I couldn't." I could never cut myself off from you, Ness. Even before you were born. "I couldn't keep myself from telling you how amazing you were and how much I loved you, and sometimes you'd do something or say something and I'd think maybe - " Shit. It still hurts. " - but then I'd remember Seth and - damn it, I don't even like to think about it."

"I - I don't even know what to say, Jake." You don't have to say anything, baby. "I'm so sorry that I did that to you. If I had just - told you, we could have . . . saved a lot of . . . pain."

No. No. See, Jake? See what that shit gets you? Now she feels guilty.

"No, Nessie, I should have told you." I should have never hid anything from you. "It was completely my fault, I'm just - I just want you to know how much I - "

"I love that you told me this." Was she serious? "I know it's hard for you to . . . talk like that, and I just want _you _to know how much I . . . appreciate that." I could only nod. Seriously? "When you said you loved me most, or anything like that, I'd go flying. I'd be so happy and I'd think, just like you said, maybe - and then I'd remember that you could imprint at anytime and that wouldn't be true anymore."

Oh, my baby. I never meant to hurt you, I swear. There was never anyone else besides you. I swear.

"But now the car isn't close enough, is it?"

Nothing is ever close enogh.

"No."

Now for the good stuff. No more depressing talk.

"Now that I know I can . . . pull you into my lap or kiss you and touch you and I'm _allowed_, it's almost like torture to be stuck in the car for hours at a time. Close to you, but not close enough."

Nessie swallowed. "Yeah."

"As soon as we get to the hotel, I'm always counting down the minutes until I can kiss you." Why the fuck I had just said that, I had no clue. But I had - and then I realized Nessie didn't know about the hour system so she was confused. "I try to wait at least an hour, but I don't always. I - I don't want you to feel like I'm always . . . on you or bugging you or anything like that."

"I keep waiting for you to kiss me as soon as we get into the hotel." Really? Yes. Damn. "I keep looking for anyway to put us in a situation to make it easy for you, so I know you're not just waiting because it's awkward."

"Really?" It was kind of unbelievable. I didn't feel . . . worthy.

"Yes, Jake."

"You can kiss me too, you know." I felt my face heat up - I kinda felt like a douche for even saying it, but she had to know. "You don't have to wait for me. I'm yours just as much as you're mine."

Maybe even more.

"Okay." Then Nessie pulled her hand from mine and started moving around in her seat. I tried to look at her but she caught my face in one of her tiny hands and turned it back forward. "Eyes on the road, Jake."

What in the hell was going on?

Nessie leaned forward, until I couldn't even see her out of the corner of my eye, her scent sending my head spinning. And she kissed my neck. Oh, God.

I didn't know what to tell her - I wasn't sure if I should stop her when I'd just given her permission and, and I didn't want her to stop. So I just let her. Gripped the steering wheel, tried to watch the road and keep control of the car.

Nessie reached one of her arms across my chest to rest on my other shoulder and kept kissing my neck. She'd never done it like this before, so soft and casual and hot, her lips heaven on my neck. I wasn't sure how I was standing it.

"You're right." She kissed my pulse point. "It is nice, knowing you're allowed to touch. And kiss."

The I felt her soft, round lips part and her small tongue reach forward and touch my skin. My foot suddenly felt extremely heavy.

Nessie brushed her lips and nose against my jaw and made the sexiest _mmm_-sound into my skin. Then the tip of her tongue traced that same line and she did it again. She kissed all the way up to my temple, just beside my eyes, and then back down.

Then I felt Nessie's tiny, wet tongue reach out and flick my ear. I'd - never even thought about it before, I mean, an ear? But it just felt so _good_. So good I moaned out loud and pushed the gas harder. We needed to cover some ground fast, because we needed to stop. Seriously.

"Ness - "

"Do you want me to stop, Jacob?"

No. No, please, please don't stop. Never stop.

I managed a choked, "No."

Then she pulled the lobe of my ear between her teeth, biting gently. Was she trying to kill me? I thought Nessie loved me - why would she do this to me? But she stopped then, kissing my temple again and then back down.

My shoulders were next. I should have never worn this damn shirt - no, thank God I wore it. No, I shouldn't have. What was I saying, it was the best decision I'd ever made!

I - oh.

Nessie kissed and licked along my shoulders - the sweetest torture - for what felt like forever and at the same time only a few seconds. Wh - why was she doing this? I mean, I know I told her she could kiss me, but there just seemed to be more to it than that. I could feel it in the kisses, the way her breath came out against my skin.

"Ness - " How was I even supposed to articulate anything with her mouth on me like that? " - why - ?"

Nessie's tongue lapped into the concave part of my collarbone before she answered. I waited, thankful that I had at least worn jeans that could control my hardness better.

"I want to push Seth out of your head." She kissed my throat. Done. Seth was gone. "I want to put it plain and clear in your mind that you are the only one I ever wanted. To kiss, to touch, to be near or with. Ever."

Oh, baby.

"I know, that Ness." I did. I did, it was just that it was different, all these left over feelings and you can't rationalize feelings. She kept pressing hot, open-mouthed kisses to my neck.

"I know you know that." She pushed the strap of my shirt off my shoulder, kissed the skin under it. "But you don't believe it. There's a difference."

She was right. There was.

Nessie's hand slid from its place on my shoulder down to my chest. She flexed her fingers into my pec and I flexed the muscle into her hand, almost on instinct.

"When I started . . . dreaming about you, I didn't know why." Oh, damn. "I think it was because I already loved you so much and so strong that all that was missing was the . . . lust, so I didn't understand when it started. I tried to imagine the things I dreamed about doing with other people."

I bit back the growl rumbling in the back of my throat. Even though I knew it was ancient history - _my_ Nessie, dreaming about touching other men.

"But I couldn't." Relief filled me, but my body stayed tight. How could it relax? "It made me sick to even think about it. Remember the day Seth came - I know you do - about a week before . . . that day in your room and he picked me up and hugged me?"

Like hell I remembered. The day he imprinted. I still felt a flash of anger and jealousy when I remembered how he swept Nessie up in his arms like that. Did he have an imprint or not?

I forced myself to nod.

"It felt so normal, like hugging Uncle Em or Dad. But then . . . later, when you left to go home, you hugged me too. The same way, the exact same. Now I can guess why."

Not one of my finer moments. But - I had to show her, show her that I could do _everything better than him_.

Nessie's hand slid down to the top of my stomach.

"But it was so different." Nessie's lips pressed themselves to my ear, her breath distracting me from the pain of old memories. "My stomach tightened so hard and I . . . I had to squeeze my legs together and I wanted to pull you so much closer. And I've been spun so many times before and it never affected me but when you put me back down, I was dizzy."

"Damn it, Ness."

Fuck. Shit. Hell. I'd - Nessie'd shown me with her gift but I'd never heard her say things like that, out loud, before. It was so fucking hot. To hear her say out loud how I affected her body, even back then. She wanted me, even back then.

"I love you, Jacob."

That. That right there, it was too much. I had to have her - now. And not - not a few hot kisses in the car or a make-out session in my lap. I needed her, under me, in a bed, against my mouth, for an extended period of time. I needed to feel her.

I needed to - to make love to her, just without the sex. I had to find a hotel.

* * *

**Coming up:**

Nessie said I could touch her anywhere but she didn't mean that - not exactly, but my brain would try to rationalize it that way.

Anywhere, so I could cup Nessie's ass in my hands, massage it. Anywhere, so that meant I could slide my hands under my huge shirt she had on to touch her against the soft cotton panties I knew she was wearing.

Anywhere, so it was okay if I slid the panties aside . . . dipped my fingers -

See? Jake doesn't do well with permission.


	34. What Nessie Likes

**_A/N:_** So, here's this. I like Jake's little comparison between Nessie and pomegranates - tell me if you agree. I think this chapter pretty much speaks for itself - the next chapter is pretty good too, in my opinion. Oh, and I just thought I'd give you a little good news - there's an entire fresh chapter coming up! Chapter 37, if you want to get particular. Yep, it's completely original - it was overdue though :D

Also, tomorrow/today is October 1st and the beginning of voting for the **Sort of Beautiful Challenge**! I'm so excited! I think it's a great opportunity to spread the J/N love - did you know that out of almost thirty entries, there's only _one_ other J/N fic besides mine? That's crazy! So yeah, please, if you read it and enjoyed it - please, please go vote for _The Sweetest Girl_! The poll isn't up yet, but it should be up sometime today/tomorrow.

So, yeah - **please go vote**. Here's the link:

**_fanfiction(dot)net/~sortofbeautifulchallenge_**

Thank you all so much for all of your support. You're sending my ego through the roof! :D It's reaching Jake-like proportions, for real.

**_Disclaimer:_** I own nothing - I don't even own respect for myself because I used Jesse McCartney lyrics for this chapter. But they fit so well, and I - I just . . . *hangs head in shame*

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What Nessie Likes

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_hey baby girl, i been watching you all day  
man, that thing you got behind you is amazing_

_- jesse mccartney, leavin'_

_-_

Even after all of that shit, even considering the pounding in my body that needed Nessie like a pulse, I lost my nerve by the time we got to a room. I knew we had just talked about it - I knew that Nessie wanted me to kiss her too - but I couldn't.

I kinda just stood there like a dumbass for a few seconds. Nessie finally broke the tension, reaching down into her bag and pulling my shirt out. I had to smile at that.

She informed me that she was going to change, smiling shyly, and shuffled off to the bathroom. I watched her ass the whole way. God.

I changed my clothes like I usually did while waiting for Nessie, but then I didn't know what to do. I figured I should probably eat something. I went over and flipped open our cooler and for some reason my eyes were drawn to the pomegranates. They were the one thing Nessie had taken the initiative to pick out. I knew what they were, but that was where my knowledge stopped. I didn't even know how to open it.

But I mean, hey, it was fruit - how complicated could it be?

Pretty complicated, apparently, because five minutes later I was still sitting on the bed with it in my hand, staring at it.

"What're you doing?" Nessie asked as she came out of the bathroom. It sounded like she wanted to laugh. The tension was gone.

I still felt my face heat up at being caught looking stupid. Might as well be honest though. "I'm trying to figure out how this thing works."

"Works?" Nessie grinned and then crawled across the bed to me, making my mind go to slightly dirty places. "You've never had a pomegranate before?"

I shook my head. I was more of an apples and bananas kind of guy.

"Are you serious, Jake?" She acted like I was saying I'd never seen COPS before. "You have to try it - it's the most awesome fruit ever!"

"Get it open and I will." Of course I would - I ate pineapple pizza for her, for Christ's sake.

"Fine, but they're really messy." She looked so cute, rolling up the sleeves of my shirt that were huge on her. "Get a towel from the bathroom."

If anyone else in the world had said something to me like that, they would have - at the very nicest gotten ignored and the rudest probably gotten knocked in the face, but with Nessie . . . I didn't care. I wanted to do it, whatever she asked of me.

I got up and got what she asked me, settling back onto the bed while Nessie spread it in front of her. Then Nessie wedged her tiny thumb into the opening at the top of the fruit and then pulled a slice of the skin away easily.

A second later, they were gone and Nessie split the ball in half to show a bright, shimmering fruit. It was really pretty - almost like jewels. Fruit befitting of Nessie - a girl so amazing and beautiful as her shouldn't eat plain apples and bananas. This was the kind of fruit Nessie should eat.

"Cool, huh?"

I nodded. "How do you eat it?"

Another stupid question. I mean, I wasn't that dumb, but - were there like, pits or - hell, I didn't know.

I watched as Nessie pulled away a thin layer of white skin and broke a hunk of the shining little droplets into her palm. They looked so pretty against her skin. Nessie cupped her palm and brought it up towards my face.

"Open up." Oh, God. Nessie wanted to feed me - again. I had no choice but to let my mouth fall open. Nessie pressed the edge of her palm to my lip. "Bite down to get all the juice out and then swallow. Don't worry about the tiny pits."

Then Nessie tilted her hand up, the small droplets falling into my mouth. Some juice from her hand spilled onto my chin, but who cared about that now? I bit down and was shocked by the taste - it was tangy and sweet. Perfect and - and - just. Wow.

It was the fruit incarnate of Nessie. If Nessie was a fruit, she'd definitely be a pomegranate.

"Nice?" I wagged my eyebrows at her, knowing she'd understand. Nessie always understood me. "Got all the juice out?" I nodded. "Now swallow."

I obeyed, watching Nessie's eyes slide down to my throat. I licked the remaining juice off my lips when I was done.

"Damn, that's really good, Ness."

Nessie smiled brightly then, and I liked pomegranates even more.

I took over from there, since I'd seen how to do it. I wanted to feed Nessie, treat her with the same care that she'd treated me with but I knew once I did, we might not get to the second handful and Nessie needed to eat.

So I waited until we were almost finished. I gathered the last of the fruit in my hand and evaded Nessie's when she reached to take it from me.

"Open up, Ness."

Nessie's eyes watched me for a few seconds before she tilted her head back and parted her lips. Beautiful. I pressed my hand to her soft lip and tipped the fruit in. I watched Nessie's pink lips and white teeth close around the purple fruit.

So beautiful.

Watching Nessie eat was the best thing ever, but I couldn't say I was disappointed when she swallowed quickly. I wanted her mouth free.

"Want another one?"

Pomegranates were good, but not that good. I shook my head. "Not right now."

I wanted to be slow with Nessie, slow and easy, so I took my time sliding my hand down to her shoulder. My hands were sticky - I'd have to give her another one of my shirts to sleep in - but I wasn't caring about that now.

Then just when I was about to start to lean in, Nessie's head dipped forward. And she licked my neck.

Just like that. Her soft, wet tongue sliding along the column of my throat and I groaned. I pulled Nessie into my lap almost on reflex. Nessie was breathing hard and I probably was too.

I wrapped my fingers around the back of Nessie's neck and pressed my forehead against hers. Nessie leaned the final inch, pressing her lips lightly against mine. She didn't close her lips, form them around mine, but kept them open and I had to taste her. She tasted like herself but with the added sweetness of the pomegranate, an improvement upon perfection.

After a few seconds, Nessie pulled away.

We both said at the same, "You taste sweet."

Then we laughed. Sweet she definitely was. I guess I was too.

"I love every single thing about you," I told her after I had kissed her again. With Nessie, I just felt the need to say things - random things about how amazing and perfect and sweet she was and I just had to tell her.

"What's your favorite part?" Nessie asked, her eyes fluttering a little. When I opened my mouth to tell her 'everything', she cut me off. "And don't say hair or eyes or anything like that. You favorite _new_ part."

Another game? But this one - this was different from the other ones. I knew what Nessie meant by new parts - I'd already told her about the simple things, but now she wanted to know about the sexual ones too. It was her right to know, but - but I wasn't sure I could have a conversation with her about this and keep my cool.

"All of it." It wasn't a lie, but my face heated up as I remembered my favorite-favorite. What Nessie would surely think if she knew. And I knew Nessie caught it.

"Don't be shy, Jake." She smiled, a sexy-ass smile. "I'll even go first if you want."

"Yeah?" That could be interesting.

"Do you want me to?"

I did, but I wasn't sure what she would say. I mean, I knew there were some things she liked about me - my hair, my - I mean, I think by the way she touched them all the time - my lips, but when it got farther than that. You know, I had I no idea what she'd say.

Then Nessie leaned in and kissed me softly, like she was giving me courage. Permission. I nodded.

Nessie didn't pull away like I expected her to, but kept kissing me. Nessie slid her hands down my sides until she reached the waist of my sweatpants and I felt her pulling along the hem of my shirt. A second later she pulled away.

"Can we take this off?" She asked quietly, almost a whisper, tugging at my shirt and my stomach clenched.

It wasn't anything new for me and Nessie to make out with my shirt off, but to hear her ask for me to take it off like that - I mean, just the fact that she wanted it gone was just so unbearably sexy. Of course, I nodded. I reached up to pull it off, but Nessie's hands stopped me.

"Can I do it?"

Nessie wanted to undress me. Oh, hell.

"If you want to," was all I could say. All I trusted myself to say.

"I do." Oh God. Nessie kissed me again.

Nessie's lips kept a gently, insistent pressure against mine while she slid her fingertips slowly under my shirt, barely skimming the skin there, driving me insane. I squeezed Nessie's waist tightly when her sticky hand ran lightly up my stomach. Her fingers played along every muscle, until I was about ready to burst.

Finally, she got to my chest and broke the kiss to ask me to lift my arms. I did, and saw one of the single best sights of my life when Nessie sat up on her knees to slide my shirt off my arms.

Then I pulled her back to me. I tried to wrap my hands around her waist, bow her beautiful body against me but I felt Nessie resist. She broke away from my lips again.

"Okay." Nessie pressed her tiny hand into the center of my chest, pushing herself back from me a little. Then she moved them to my shoulders, running each of her hands across them and down to my arms. Her hands felt so good. "I love your arms."

Almost on reflex, I flexed the muscles under her hand. Nessie liked my arms - I wanted to show them off.

"Yeah?"

"Mmhm." She ran her hands over my biceps a few more times. "But they're not my favorite."

So . . . what was?

Before I could ask, Nessie was sliding back to sit on my thighs. She slid her hands back up to my shoulders and then down to my chest. Then further, to my stomach.

"Your stomach . . . is my absolute favorite."

Fuck. That - was so hot. I couldn't even - "Why?"

She gave a little shrug.

"I don't know - it's just nice. Not that all of you isn't, I just . . . " Nessie's fingers dropped lower, lower than they had ever been before and traced my hipbone. I tried so hard not to buck into her hand. "I like this."

"What?"

That was just too much. Just too incredibly sexy. Normal girls weren't like this, were they? This perfect? No, of course not - only my Ness could be.

"This." She traced the line again, her touches a little firmer, her face a little pinker. "This line. I like it. I don't know why either, so don't ask me."

I pulled her close and kissed her. I couldn't let her be ashamed of this.

"What, are you shy now?" I teased, but she was silent. "Come on, Ness."

"No," she answered, pushing herself back off of me. She patted my chest. "I'm not. Your turn."

"What?"

Fuck. I'd forgot about that.

"I went first. I told you my favorite part." Yes, you did. "Now it's your turn."

I couldn't tell Nessie that - she would - any girl would . . . be horrified. All of her was spectacular - why did I have to be obsessed with the one part in particular?

"Who's shy now?" Nessie teased, then she wriggled in my lap and . . . brought little Jake to life. I think we both got red at the same time. "Come on, Jake. It's only fair. I won't laugh or be angry or anything."

She said that now because she didn't know.

"I - I don't want to." God, I sounded like a little kid. I couldn't even look at her.

"Please, Jake, don't be silly." Nessie tilted my face up towards her, making me face her. "Come on, I'll even help you."

Help me? My mouth mimicked my thoughts.

"Yeah." Nessie nodded, smiling brightly and took my hands in hers. "Here, put your hands here - on my neck."

I allowed her to put my hands where she wanted them, still not sure what was going on but interested to see. And if it got me out of this conversation . . .

Nessie's heart sped up. Uh-oh. What was she planning to do?

"I'm going to slide your hands down. When I get to . . . it - your favorite part, I mean - stop me."

Oh, shit.

"Nessie - "

"Please, Jake, it's what I want." Nessie didn't know it, but she had spoken the magic words. I would always give her what she wanted.

But I still could _try_ to talk her out of it.

"I just - " I'm just a big, huge perv that's obsessed with your ass and I _don't_ want to admit that to you. "I don't want to upset you - or for you to . . . think of me differently - "

"I won't." She shook her head fiercely. "I swear I won't. I just want to know, Jake." I finally forced myself to nod and Nessie put her hands over mine on her neck. "Okay?"

"Okay."

Nessie barely bit back a smile, joyful at having won, but then her heart sped up again. Then she started to slide my hands down.

She guided my hands over her small shoulders and then down across her glorious breasts. They weren't my absolute favorite, so I knew I couldn't stop here for good, but that didn't mean I couldn't take a little break. I massaged the soft flesh gently until Nessie arched into my hands and leaned down to take my lips.

Then she started her course downwards once again. How was I gonna do this?

She slid my hands slowly over her toned, beautiful stomach and then down her thighs. It hadn't slipped my mind that I could have chosen a less offensive body part - God knows I loved them all - and say it was my favorite, but I never would. I wouldn't lie to save my own skin, not to Nessie.

Nessie slid my hands up her sides and my heart started doing the tango as she started sliding them down her back. I was - I was so close. So close.

The wolf inside me prepared to pounce as I felt a small swell against Nessie's lower back, the beginning of her ass. Then Nessie slid my hands the final few inches and a second later, my hands were resting against Nessie's round, supple, fucking _amazing_ ass.

I prayed for courage in more ways than one, and held my hands firm under Nessie's. She pulled back from my mouth.

"Really?"

I tried to search her eyes for any sign she was angry or upset but I found none. Maybe she'd only be a little weirded out?

"Y-yeah." I forced myself to keep my eyes on her, not look away. "Is that . . . okay?"

"Of course it is, Jake," she said quietly, and relief unraveled in my stomach as she leaned in and kissed me. Unbelievable. "But I never would have guessed . . . I mean, you've never even touched me there."

"I know." Honey, if I touched you there, I might not be able to stop. Even now, in the middle of this conversation, part of my brain was still focused on how amazing her ass felt in my hands. "That was kind of intentional."

Nessie was quiet for a second, her eyes fading off and then darkening. Then she leaned forward, her soft lips brushing my ear.

And she whispered, "It's okay, Jake. I like yours too."

I actually almost laughed. It was all to surreal - this girl kept surprising me. Not only was she not disgusted or horrified when I told her that I was in love with her ass, but she tell me that she - she likes mine too?

"That's good to know," was all I could think of to say.

Nessie's hands moved up to my face and she pulled me in to her lips again. As amazing as what was in my hands right now, I didn't want Nessie thinking that was all I cared about and I didn't think I could trust myself to kiss her and have my hands on her ass at the same time. So I slid them up to her lower back.

Nessie pulled away.

"Any particular reason why you did that? She asked, in a voice that told me she was close to getting angry for some reason. I had better be careful.

"I just don't want you to think I'm . . . perverted or anything." Please don't. "I don't want - "

"Jacob, you're not _perverted_." It felt so good to hear her say it. "You just - I can't believe you - "

She broke off, looking speechless, and then grabbed my hands and slip them back down to cup her ass. Fuck, Nessie - come on, girl.

"You can touch me wherever you want, Jake." I couldn't hold back my groan - Nessie couldn't _say _stuff like that. "I mean it. Anywhere. I don't want you to feel bad about it."

I knew what Nessie was trying to do but also knew that she hadn't thought it all the way through. She had to be careful about the kind of permission she gave me because once she said the words, it unclicked a little box in my mind - the permission making the action a thousand times less taboo than before.

Nessie said I could touch her anywhere but she didn't mean that - not exactly, but my brain would try to rationalize it that way.

Anywhere, so I could cup Nessie's ass in my hands, massage it. Anywhere, so that meant I could slide my hands under my huge shirt she had on to touch her against the soft cotton panties I knew she was wearing.

Anywhere, so it was okay if I slid the panties aside . . . dipped my fingers -

See? Jake doesn't do well with permission.

And Nessie didn't make it any easier when she threaded her fingers through mine and pushed, forcing me to grip her ass. God - it broke my control, just for a few seconds, and I squeezed her gently in my hand.

Then Nessie's scent increased - by a lot - and she rolled her hips into mine.

Nessie - did Nessie . . . like that?

* * *

**Coming up:**

I did something I'd never done before. I tried to think back on all the pack memories, all the things I tried to block the fuck out - tidbits of things, intimate details of my brother's lives that sometimes slipped. Even the old ones, from back when I was in Sam's pack - I just needed a solution.

Embry had a string of non-serious girlfriends and was always thinking about doing disgusting things with his tongue. Disgusting when it was in the terms of Embry and random bar skanks anyway. When it came to Nessie - but no. That wasn't what I was trying to figure out.

A way for Nessie to find her release without going too far. With us keeping as much clothes on as possible so I didn't go all wolfy on her and seriously break some boundaries.

I remember Sam thinking - back in the beginning before our disgusting thoughts and Leah's morose ones taught him how to control his mind - about how he liked it when Emily rested her legs on his shoulders when they . . . yeah, but that was irrelevant too.


	35. Joyful Tatters

**_A/N: _**I'm just going to go ahead and say it - I love this chapter. It was so great to write such a major chapter from Jake's point of view. I like the little pack memories too - they were fun to write. I also thought I'd tell y'all, _Hands on Me_ was nominated for the second round in **The Sparkle Awards**! It's up against _IPoN_ (*chews fingernails*) for The Paris Award, Best Jacob/Anyone Tale! I'll make sure to let y'all know when voting starts!

Also, I wanted to ask anyone who hasn't voted already to stop by and vote for _The Sweetest Girl_ over at the SOB challenge page! If you think it's deserving, that is. :)

Here's the link: **_fanfiction(dot)net/~sortofbeautifulchallenge_**

I hope you all like this since I love it so much, but I still want to hear your opinion, even if you don't. So get to reviewing, girls! You know I love to hear from you! :D

**_Disclaimer: _**I don't own it. I know, I'm sorry, but I'm tired. :)

* * *

Joyful Tatters

* * *

give me more loving than i've ever had  
make me feel better when i'm feeling sad  
tell me i'm special even though i know i'm not

- plain white t's, 1234

-

I squeezed a little harder and brushed my thumb across her, surprised when her scent increased even more.

"Does that . . . feel _good_?"

"Yes," Nessie breathed, her eyes boring into mine. "Everything you do to me feels good. You're not the only one that never wants to stop when you touch me."

What was I supposed to do with that? How in the hell was that amazing, mind-blowing knowledge going to help me keep control of myself?

I knew one thing - I wasn't stopping this now. I kissed Nessie again, soft, forcing myself to simultaneously keep my hands on Nessie's ass without groping the shit out of her. I settled for brushing my fingers back and forth across her, my situation not getting any easier when Nessie's scent kept getting hotter.

Nessie slid herself even closer into my lap, pressing our hips together even more. It was so hard not to grab her ass and pull her against me even harder. Maybe we should have tried this with jeans first.

She leaned a little closer and I felt, even through her shirt, Nessie's hard nipples slide across my chest. Then she made a soft little noise and _rolled_ her hips.

Nessie had thrust her hips into mine before, rocked them, even ground against me. But she'd never . . . rolled her hips quite like this. Like - not that I was an expert or anything - but like we were having sex.

She caught the perfect moment and in the perfect spot and rode it out, applying the most perfect amount of pressure in the most perfect way. I groaned out loud and she did too. I couldn't hold it back anymore - I let the restraint go, just a little, and let myself begin to get hard.

I had to check though. "Are you oka - "

"I'm fine." Nessie kissed me and rolled her hips into me again. God. "I promise I'll stop you if I'm not."

"I know - " Nessie was kissing me and pressing herself against me harder than ever now, more urgently. "I just - I didn't know if it - bothered you or - "

"It doesn't bother me." She broke away from my mouth to start kissing down my jaw. She reached her tiny hands behind me and pressed them into each of my shoulder blades. "Here - I'll just, let me - "

Nessie was panting and her scent was getting hotter and it was too much. Not enough. Just right. She rolled into me again and I let myself push back, holding onto her ass a little harder to keep her where I wanted.

Then I felt that warm, opening, pouring sensation - on my back. Where Nessie's hands were - she had opened our connection. And that's as far as my worry about that got - because in the next second I was filled with raging, undeniable lust.

It was the best, most amazing, glorious, scary, confusing thing I'd ever experienced in my life. My desire to touch Nessie overlaid with her desire to be touched. My lust for small, soft curves and hers for large, hard muscles. How amazing Nessie's ass felt in my hands combined with how my hands felt against her. My hips desperate need to thrust into her soft, warm center and Nessie's to grind herself into a hardness she only half-understood but still wanted.

It was too much love and entirely too much lust and I think the only thing that stopped me from taking Nessie then and there was that I was too shocked to even move. The first moment of awareness, the first millisecond of breakthrough from the glorious madness, I leapt at what might be my only chance to stop myself.

I pried my hands from Nessie's soft ass to grasp her hips, stop their delicious movement against mine.

Thankfully - horribly - the connection sealed.

"Nessie." I forced my lips away. "That's - is that - "

"How I feel," Nessie whispered, her voice sounding almost broken. "All the time. Everytime you touch me and I can't stand it and I don't know what to do about it."

"I - _wow._" What was I supposed to say? How was I supposed to react?

Even with the connection closed, the echo of Nessie's lust rang through my body. I needed her so bad, but I couldn't have her now and we couldn't continue - not right now. Not when I was so fucking turned on and so close to not caring about weddings and waiting and the perfection Nessie deserved.

When I was so close to rationalizing to myself.

I could make it perfect for her, even here. Nessie said herself she didn't care about the big and fancy - I could make her feel so good she wouldn't even care we were in a some shitty hotel thousands of miles from home . . . but no. No.

I would stop now. I would.

"Are you okay?"

Okay? _Okay_?

"It was just - " Was there a word for what that just was? "Intense. Your feelings and mine, together. And yours are so _strong_. Stronger than before, even."

I didn't think they could get any stronger.

"Well, before, the last time I showed you, I wasn't in such . . . compromising positions on a daily basis."

Compromising positions were right. With me shirtless and her braless and straddling little Jake for dear life, this definitely counted as a compromising fucking position. Thank God the chances that Edward was closer than a hundred miles away was slim to none.

But I - I knew what she meant and I was sorry for what I had done. She had told me how frustrated she had been and I still let her -

"I'm sorry, Ness - " But Nessie just shook her head frantically and kissed me, trying to slide back closer, back to how we were.

"No, no, it's okay, Jake." I felt Nessie raise up on her knees a little, shifting her body against me and I knew her well enough to know that she was trying to get me to slide my hands back down to her ass. "I just wanted you to know - "

No. No, my girl misunderstood. She misunderstood why I was sorry. I was sorry for stopping, but it wasn't her permission to continue. I was apologizing because I couldn't go on.

"No." I had to pull away from her lips again, hold her hips more firmly than before. "I'm sorry that we have to stop now. I - I know now how . . . _hard_ it is for you, but I - I can't know. Your feelings just then, it's . . . it's too strong. I still feel it. We have to stop."

I had said this I don't know how many times over the past month but I had never gotten this reaction. Nessie had tried to play me, pressing her soft body back up against me, trying to break my resolve, and sometimes it worked. She had submitted with quiet, if displeased obedience that only made me want her more, and she had reacted sportingly, giving me a few parting kisses before crawling off of me or out from under me and settling under my arm. She had even play-pouted a few times, but she had never done this.

Crawled off of me, completely and abruptly, turning her back to me. I reached for her, knowing she would see my hand but she ignored it. She threw herself heavily onto her stomach in the opposite direction of me, facing the television, and grabbed the remote. Her little flop had flipped the hem of my shirt up, exposing the back of her beautiful white thighs and - and when I shifted my head, a sliver of white cotton, resting on a curve that I now knew was as soft as it looked.

"Nessie." What's wrong, honey? "I didn't mean you couldn't touch me. I just meant - "

"I know what you meant." Her tone took me back. She wouldn't look at me. "But it's too hard. I can't just - sit and hold your hand."

I heard the frustration in her voice. I heard and I understood, but I couldn't - I wish I could fix it for her - "

I pushed myself up onto my knees and walked on them towards her.

"C'mon, Ness. Don't get upset." For me, baby, please? Please don't be upset with me.

"I'm not upset," Nessie lied. A lie I would have been able to tell only from her voice, let alone anything else.

I needed to touch her, even though I knew that was an irresponsible thing to do - especially after I already knew how frustrated she was. So I skated my fingers lightly over the back of her knee - her body tightening was the only reaction.

Damn it. Nessie _never_ not reacted to my touch. I - I didn't realize I had taken that as a given until it wasn't there anymore. I felt useless.

"Come on, honey, please." Please, Nessie. "Can't we just - do you wanna watch TV or something?"

Anything. Anything but this - don't be angry.

Nessie hadn't been angry at me - since, well, ever. The last time I _thought_ she had been angry with me . . . I tried not to shudder.

"I'm watching TV."

Nessie . . .

"I mean with me."

"You're with me, Jake." But I'm not. You're closing me out. "I'm here, you're here, we're stuck in this room. We're both watching TV."

Ouch. I mean, it was seriously like someone had plunged a blade in my chest. Nessie had _never_ said anything to me, not in seriousness, like that. I - I mean, I couldn't blame her - we'd, we'd always spent most of our time together back home but for the last month she'd literally had no one else to spend time with but me. I could see . . . how that could get boring, frustrating. It still hurt like shit.

"I'm taking a shower."

I'm not sure why I said it, except that I needed to get the fuck away before I let her see how bad it hurt. Nessie may have been . . . angry, but she wasn't heartless and if she knew she'd feel terrible. I didn't want to make her feel any worse.

I didn't intend to say anything else but just as I was about to swing the bathroom door to, the bitterness welled up in me - the pain taking over before I could get away - and I said without looking at her, "We can go out when I'm done if you want. I didn't know you saw it as being stuck with me."

Fuck. I hadn't meant to say that, but - damn. It was already done, so I just pulled off my sweatpants, turned on the shower and got in while it was still cold.

I mean, it wasn't exactly Nessie's fault. She wasn't me - she wasn't the imprinted one. I could easily spend every second of the rest of my life with her and feel just fine about it, but maybe Nessie - it was only normal that Nessie would want . . . someone else to talk to.

Didn't mean she didn't love me. Of course it didn't. Even my self-deprecating ass knew that.

But - was that why she'd been pushing with the sex stuff so much lately? Because she was bored? The blade in my chest twisted at that a little, but then I realized, no. No, Nessie had shown me her feelings just seconds ago and boredom had not been one of them.

My poor girl was frustrated too, and I knew that was a part of it. I could - as Nessie called it, _fix_ _my problem_ easily. I could do in now, if I wanted, in just a few minutes and I'd feel tons better and more able to deal with Nessie and her wants and her needs.

But the thing was - I wasn't. I wasn't dealing with Nessie's needs at all, I was only festering them. Making them worse. Getting entirely too caught up in how good she made me feel and not even wondering about how, at the end of the night, Nessie would have to go to sleep frustrated.

But - I, I couldn't . . . do anything about it. I knew, obviously, that girls could . . . get themselves off too and it went without saying that I knew a guy could do it for them. But I didn't know _how_. I mean, there was the obvious, but that wasn't an option.

And even though, I mean, even though our bodies are completely different, we seem to like this same stuff. Being touched in the same way. Nessie would probably like being touched too . . . but would it _help_? I mean . . . God.

I fisted the shower wall and let my head loll against the cheap plastic - the water must've been hot, because the bathroom was steaming up pretty bad, but I didn't feel it.

What was I supposed to do? I mean, I couldn't - I couldn't even pretend that I myself was at the point where I was strong enough to . . . to see Nessie undressed and trust myself. Seeing just a tiny part of her panties earlier had almost sent me into a frenzy. I could . . . if I knew how even Nessie could help herself, I swear to God I'd swallow my pride and sit down and explain it to her in detail but I knew she wouldn't. Nessie wouldn't do that. I could tell - she'd shown me inside her head, her instincts and how her hormones had pushed her, made her want to touch herself but she never did. And if she hadn't done it by now, even in her desperation - I knew she wouldn't.

So . . . what now? I mean, I had to do something. If it meant cooling it with the making out, I would do that. I'd lived most of my life without Nessie's kisses and if it meant her peace of mind and body, even if she was upset at me for it, I would do it.

But still . . . the frustration would build. Even if we weren't touching and kissing each other like we do now - the sexual tension was always around us, not that I minded, but now -

God.

I had to find a way to figure this out for her. I was seriously so fucking pissed with Bella right now. She hadn't prepared her for _anything_. I mean - I hadn't either, but . . . a mother should teach her daughter about her body. Not leave it up to a twenty-four year old wolfboy who didn't know shit about it and whose only solution included making hot, passionate love just to see what happened.

Fuck.

I could try . . . touching her through her clothes but who knew if that'd even work. I knew it could work for a dude, if there was enough friction - Nessie had proven that to me, even though I thankfully stopped it before if got that far - but could it for a girl? I didn't know where the similarities between our bodies ended.

I did something I'd never done before. I tried to think back on all the pack memories, all the things I tried to block the fuck out - tidbits of things, intimate details of my brother's lives that sometimes slipped. Even the old ones, from back when I was in Sam's pack - I just needed a solution.

Embry had a string of non-serious girlfriends and was always thinking about doing disgusting things with his tongue. Disgusting when it was in the terms of Embry and random bar skanks anyway. When it came to Nessie - but no. That wasn't what I was trying to figure out.

A way for Nessie to find her release without going too far. With us keeping as much clothes on as possible, so I didn't go all wolfy on her and seriously break some boundaries.

I remember Sam thinking - back in the beginning before our disgusted thoughts and Leah's morose ones taught him how to control his mind - about how he liked it when Emily rested her legs on his shoulders when they . . . yeah, but that was irrelevant too.

Quil was no help because although he'd had a few conquests before Claire, after her he didn't even think about them. I could relate. I'd had all sorts of thoughts about Bella that only made me sick now - felt like incest.

I couldn't even try to remember anything from Paul's mind from way back when, because I mentally bleached my brain every time he let something slip about my sister. Jared and Kim, from what I could remember from then too, were into any and everything and Jared didn't care about censoring his thoughts around us. Probably because no one had ever reminded Kim about the pack mind - don't know if that's changed now.

So . . . what? Chances were, Seth had a girlfriend now, his imprint and all. And imprinted couples were never known to go slow - I think the child imprints were different. Of course they were.

Maybe, the next time I phased I could . . . I loathed at the thought of having to ask Seth anything. Nessie would kill me if she knew I'd brought something so personal to someone else, I knew it. Maybe I could just pick his mind . . . or be really vague . . . all I knew was, I had to do _something _for my Ness. I had to.

That was, if she let me touch her again.

Ugh. Whatever. I reached down and cut off the water - I had to go talk to Ness. I'd figure out the rest of the shit later. I was due to phase tomorrow so I'd see then. I needed to get through to Ness that I wasn't trying to tease her - that I was sorry she was frustrated. I wouldn't tell her about my plans though - who knew if they'd even ever work out? I wouldn't get her hopes up.

It was obvious that to do that would require another progression, no matter how small - though I'm doubting it would be. It would be pretty huge progress in our relationship, if I was even able to do it at all - even now, I could imagine Nessie under me . . . writhing with pleasure . . .

I shook my head to clear it out and toweled my body off, slipping my sweatpants on and shaking out my hair. No need to go out there looking like a drowned dog.

When I finally did leave the bathroom, the first thing I saw was Nessie's tiny form curled up under the covers. Asleep. Shit - I'd really wanted to talk to her, but it could wait. Maybe she'd feel better after she woke up.

I walked over to her side of the bed, just wanting to get a glimpse of her face before I crawled in beside her. I wasn't sleepy - I hadn't been too long got up - but I wanted to lay with my Ness.

She was beautiful, as always, but clinging to her long eyelashes and running down her cheeks were tears. Tears. She'd been crying - I wasn't sure which was worse, if she'd been crying because of how I'd treated her or because she was sick of me and wanted to go home.

In her hands, she was clutching my discarded wife-beater. I guess I got my answer.

"Damn it, Ness."

I would talk to her the instant she woke up. But now, I would lay with her. I walked around to my side of the bed and lifted the covers, sliding in beside her. I turned on my side and rested my arm over her. I made sure to hold my weight off, not wanting to wake her up, which was uncomfortable but not impossible. And I pressed my lips into her soft shoulder through my shirt.

Not a kiss. Kisses had already gotten me in enough trouble today, but I just - just wanted to feel her. You can feel better with your lips than you can with your hands. When we was little and ran fever, my Mom would always check our foreheads with her lips and not her hand - because you could feel better that way.

Wonder what Mom would think if she felt my forehead now.

Before long, Nessie started wriggling in her sleep, turning towards me. It seemed like Sleep-Nessie wasn't mad at me. I hoped she'd turn over and rest her head on my arm like always so I could hold her.

She did, pulling my shirt with her between us and I felt it along with her fingers brush across my stomach. Then Nessie's eyes fluttered open, beautiful and amazing, but entirely too alert to have just woken up. My girl had been faking.

"I'm so sorry, Jacob." She looked so little then, so repentant. Like a little puppy that had gotten thwacked on the nose. I thought I was the puppy here? "I'm so sorry that I said that to you."

"It's okay, Ness." Of course it was. I understood her - I could never hold anything against her. "I know it's hard . . . for most people, to spend all their time with one person."

Not for me, but that's different.

"No!" The urgency in her face shocked me. Her voice was still quiet as a mouse though. "No, Jacob, I didn't mean it. I was just so . . . frustrated, and that's no excuse, Jake, but that's what it is."

"Okay." That was my fault. My fault that she was frustrated. I'd brought all of this on myself and made Nessie cry in the process.

"I just . . . want you so bad." Nessie's cheeks flushed pink and my stomach twisted, the good way. "I - I don't want to wait. I wish you wouldn't stop me."

What - ? What did that mean? It couldn't mean what I thought -

"What are you saying, Ness?"

Was she saying that she was ready? For this? For . . . sex? That she wanted to move foward? I'd dreamed for more than a year about the day I could finally be with Nessie like that, show her physically just how much I loved her, but now that it seemed to be here it didn't feel right.

No matter how many different ways I'd imagined - and these past few weeks, I imagined a lot - being with her, there was always something missing. Of course being with Nessie would be beautiful and amazing in any circumstances, but . . . still.

I'd thought about making love to her in fancy hotel suites and back home in the sand in La Push and in my bed and over the kitchen table and - and even here in the shower, on those moments when she took me off guard. But . . .

And then I realized what it was.

I remembered my one of my favorite fantasies of Nessie, the one on the beach, out by the woods. I imagined us, both naked or close to it, with Nessie straddling my hips like she'd been doing so often lately. I didn't even try to imagine how fantastic that would feel, in that position with nothing between us.

I would wrap my arm around Nessie's bare waist and pull her against me, her bare chest against mine - that would be so good - and kiss her. Not hard or rough, but passionately. My Ness would know how much I loved her.

And then Nessie would press her tiny hand to my chest and push me back until I was laying on the ground. She looked so gorgeous over me like that, her long curls tumbling over her shoulders to hide her breasts from my view.

I would reach up to push it back so I could see her, but her hand caught mine - I looked at them. The both had rings.

"I don't know." She looked confused. I was too - about some things, but I had just figured another thing out. "I just - I can't even - "

I didn't want to wait until we were "ready" because in all honesty, I think we were both ready right now. Mentally, at least. We trusted each other completely, loved each other infinitely - it wasn't readiness.

I realized it - I wanted Nessie to be my wife. Of course I did - but I, I wanted to wait until - until then. Until she was.

"What if I told you . . . " I had absolutely no idea how Nessie would react. "That I wanted to wait?"

"To . . . ?"

I nodded.

"What, like until this is all over, or a year, or what?"

She didn't understand. I'd - I'd have to say it.

"Until we're married," I spit out before I could stop it. Damn it - now I sounded like she had to marry me, like it was a given. Shit. "I mean, if you . . . if you - I'd be the luckiest guy in the world if you'd even consider it, but - "

"Married?" Nessie asked, her eyes wide. I couldn't read her face. I forced myself to nod. "You . . . you want to marry me?"

I saw the love and disbelief and shock flit through her eyes. I held her tighter.

"Of course I do, Ness. Nothing in the world could make me happier." No, in the universe. "If you'll have me, that is."

"I'll have you right now, Jacob Black," Nessie professed, sending my heart slamming into my ribcage in the best possible way. S-seriously? "You really want me to be your . . . wife?"

Did she even have to ask? Didn't she understand that it was all I ever wanted?

I just dipped my head and pressed my nose into her soft cheek for a second. "More than anything."

"I want you to be my husband." Oh, God. Besides Nessie's profession of love, I had never heard anything better. "Ever since Grandpa Charlie's wedding. While you were dancing with me, I was wishing the whole time that it was us getting married."

I groaned, in pure pleasure at the words and in amazement. Because I had been thinking the same thing - ours thoughts had been so similar, so attuned to the other and we hadn't even known it.

I kissed Nessie's beautiful hair as she asked, "Can I ask why?"

"Why?"

"You want to wait."

"Oh." This wasn't going to be exactly easy, when I'd only just figured it out in my head myself. "I just . . . I guess imprinting makes you a conservative or something, but . . . I don't know, Ness." How am I supposed to articulate it out loud? Why can't I do what you do? "I just - okay, I know imprinting is stronger than that, but . . . with you, I love the idea that you're mine."

So much. Even more when Nessie whispered, "I do too."

"I know this sounds caveman, but I want you to belong to me - and it goes both ways. I mean, I completely and utterly belong to you, but. Yeah. And - a husband, he's the one who - who protects and takes care of his wife . . . and he's the only who gets to see her and touch her and - you see?"

I want to be that. Your only one. Your protector. Your husband.

"I think I do." A little smile flitted on Nessie's lips. "Don't laugh, okay, but the few times I ever thought about it, it never made sense to me."

"How do you mean?" Marrying me didn't make sense?

Nessie slid up a little further and rested her head on my arm.

"I mean, I never understood what the point of . . . getting married was if you'd already been sleeping together for years by then. Like you said, the whole point is that husbands and wives have privileges that unmarried couples don't. I guess I just never thought about it with us, you know how I am."

My heart swelled.

"So do you want to?" Oh, God, that sounded like I was asking her to get married. "Wait, I mean."

"I do." I tried not to think about Nessie saying that to me again, another day, in another place. With a different meaning.

So . . . Nessie agreed that she wanted to wait to have sex . . . until we were married. Which meant . . . that she had agreed to marry me, right? Right?

I suddenly couldn't breathe.

Finally Nessie burst out, "So are we . . . .engaged now?"

Engaged. To be married. To be my wife. Nessie.

I tried to reel it back - it wouldn't be good for me to explode with happiness all over the place only to find out Nessie wasn't exactly too happy about this development. Even though she looked pretty damn happy.

"If you want to be," I said carefully. I felt like I had sewed my lips together to keep them from smiling too hard.

"So much," Nessie whispered, and my heart exploded - love and happiness and everything else flying all over the place. "I want it so much."

And before I knew it, I was on top of her again. This amazing, beautiful, crazy girl had agreed to marry me and I couldn't even stand it. I kissed all over her perfect face, her eyelids, her nose, her cheeks, her forehead, her temples, her chin.

Nessie laughed out loud, a ringing sound, and threw her arms around my neck. She hugged me close and closer until I could hardly pull back to give my next kiss. I told her in between each kiss how much I loved her, that I couldn't even describe how much.

Finally, I gave into temptation and pressed a soft kiss to her lips.

"When?" Nessie asked, sending my heart into another round of acrobatics.

Soon. Tomorrow. Right now.

"As soon or as far as you want, Nessie, I swear I'm your slave." I kissed her soft neck and cut her off when I felt her jaw open to reply. "After this is done."

I would and could never do that to Nessie - her family had missed so much. They wouldn't miss her wedding day. I could wait until all of this shit was over. I could. And then we could get married.

It was in the back of my mind that I had just completely botched the proposal, but I was too happy to even feel bad about it now. No down on one knee, no ring.

I couldn't wait to put a ring on Nessie's finger, a mark so every guy would immediately know. Whether she was with me or not, they would know she was mine.

"I'll get you a ring," I promised her, kissing under her jaw. "As soon as I can. I don't want to use your parents' money - I've got a good bit, it's just all back in La Push."

Seven years of remaking cars and not spending anything will leave you with some savings. It was not lavishness as Nessie was used to, but - I could provide a life for her. I hoped she didn't mind.

"I don't need a ring." A kiss landed on my brow. "You know me, you know how I am."

"Yeah. I do." Of course I did. Of course she didn't. My Nessie was the least materialistic person I knew. "But I want to get you one, even if it's really simple. I dunno why, it's just - "

"A mark." The girl read my mind. She was amazing. "It's a mark that I'm yours, one that everyone sees. I want to get you one too."

I'd wear a ring for her, easily.

"You're the only woman I'd ever wear jewelry for," I told her, unable to stop smiling. It was impossible. My cheeks were going to be sore tomorrow.

"I'd better be the only woman you'd do a lot of things for." She pretended to look like she was angry and I laughed. She had no idea all the things I'd do for only her, and most of them would have to wait until after she was my wife.

"Thousands of things." You don't even know. I leaned in and brushed our lips. "Let me show you the first."

I kissed Nessie softly for a few seconds, cupping her face gently in my hands. Then I slid my nose down her cheek to kiss her soft neck.

"And the second."

I concentrated on making Nessie squirm under my lips - her neck was so sensitive - and slid on of my hands up to touch her breast gently, softly. "And the third."

I didn't want to get us back in another hairy situation so soon after we'd just agreed to take things slower, so I stopped there. It was only seconds before Nessie was wriggling under me though, arching her back into my hands.

"Come on, Jake." Her tiny fingers were gripped in my hair, her heart thrumming even faster than usual. "What about the fourth?"

I couldn't help but chuckle into her neck, brush my thumb lightly over her nipple.

"Fourth?" I ran my tongue along her pulse point and she shivered, almost convulsing. I knew it was almost time to stop. "Where do you suggest we stop then?"

"I was thinking twenty-seven."

I lifted my head from Nessie's neck to see her giving me that sexy grin.

"You're crazy, Ness," I told her, reaching up to get her lips again. She kissed me for a few more seconds before she pulled back.

"You sure you want a crazy wife?" She asked, her eyes dancing. If my heart hadn't already been in amazing, beautiful, joyful tatters, it would have exploded again.

She had no idea.

* * *

**Coming up:**

But for me, it was harder to have her under me. She was so much closer that way and I felt so . . . dominant and in control and that unlocked the wolf and the alpha and - it was just harder. The feeling of her legs wrapped tight around me - that seemed to be another limit for me too. And when I say limits, I don't mean those weren't things we didn't do - they just pushed us to our breaking point a lot faster which meant I had to say goodbye to Nessie's softness a lot sooner.

I tried to avoid Nessie's limits altogether since I didn't want to make things any harder for her. I only touched her over her clothes and even though it was harder for me, I made sure I was usually on top when we kissed.

It was weird that it was harder for Nessie to be on top because she'd told me once - blushing, of course - that she liked it better when I laid over her. Maybe she just didn't trust herself with the control, which was fine - if she didn't want it, I'd take it from her. If she wanted it, I'd give it to her.


	36. Explaining God

**_A/N: _**Here's this for y'all - there's some fresh scenes in here. I really like it because it goes into imprinting in more detail, from Jacob's point of view so I feel like we really geto see it. There are so many fics that explore the universe of alternate realities but none really who just say it how it is - that what happens, happens and there's no way to change any of it once it has. That's what soul mates are, after all.

Anyway, here's this, and please stop by and vote, if you haven't already, for _The Sweetest Girl_ over at the SOB Contest! Here's the link: **_fanfiction(dot)net/~sortofbeautifulchallenge_**

**_Disclaimer: _**I don't own the lyrics even though I love the song and wish I had written it myself - Youtube it, y'all, it's awesomeness.

* * *

Explaining God

* * *

_where can i begin?  
__has anyone ever told you, you have beautiful skin?  
__you're more than welcome  
__what do you desire within?_

_- goodie mob, beautiful skin_

_-_

Things changed after that. Not a lot - not big, life-altering differences but things were definitely not the same as before. In a good way. Most of the bad shit seemed to like . . . float away. I thought life with Nessie before was perfect but now it was just unbelievable.

Nessie seemed to have . . . grown up a lot, especially when it came to our . . . alone-time, if you know what I mean. She had matured. She would tell me when she needed to stop so she wouldn't become overly frustrated. When she needed a break. It was great to know she wouldn't let me push her too far so that made me less self-conscious and just made our relationship so much better.

I never lied to Nessie - we were always honest - but there was just this new kind of honesty that was really awesome. Nessie asked me stuff she never had before, little questions and things that seemed like they meant more to her than they did to me.

We talked about big stuff too. Stuff that we hadn't before because we were just being together - but now we were engaged and it was clear that we were going to get married one day and all these issues kept coming up.

Like when Nessie asked me about my perfect life. I think it just started off as one of her questions but we ended up talking about . . . children. And Nessie's anxiety that she wouldn't be able to have them. It was so strange and amazing and heartbreaking and beautiful at the same time.

It was strange because we'd never discussed anything like that before - I never knew Nessie thought about our future like that - strange because although I knew Nessie was grown, it made me realize that she was pretty much a woman now. A fully-matured, engaged woman who . . . one day wanted to have a baby. My baby.

That unlocked something very strong and primal inside me, along with my overpowering love for her.

And it was beautiful because for a second, I could picture it: Nessie, her belly rounded and beautiful - not like Bella's had been, my baby wouldn't do that to her. I knew it. I imagined myself kissing her stomach, knowing that inside of her was a little piece of both of us.

And it was sad because I could feel Nessie's anxiety, her fear that she wouldn't be able to have a baby. For me - those were the words she used. For you, Jacob.

Even if she couldn't, I wouldn't care. I only wanted her - but I could tell that her sadness wasn't only for me. Nessie wanted one too. I couldn't wait until the day Nessie was my wife, until the day I could watch her cradle our child in her arms.

But until then, I was more than content with just my Ness.

She asked me about Bella too, which was hard for me but apparently not for Nessie. It seemed so foreign, this weird, fucked-up Jacob who loved anyone except Nessie. I didn't like him and I didn't like talking about him.

But she asked me about my Mom and Billy too, and I told her stories about me and my sisters and the trouble we used to get into. It was nice and Nessie seemed to like them - but the light stuff always led into the serious stuff, which was okay. I liked talking about that stuff with Nessie too.

She asked me about when my feelings for her started to change and was really surprised about the answer, which was kind of cute. She only tried, once, to compare herself with her mother and I shot that down.

"But what if - what if - say, for instance, Mom had never met Dad - or never married him or whatever, you would have just loved her and married her, right?"

"No!" I remember taking a deep breath and trying to collect my thoughts. How did you explain destiny? "Nessie, honey, if . . . if you had never been born - and you have to keep in mind that I don't think _I'd_ even exist in a world where you weren't destined to be born - I never would have felt like that about Bella. I'm one hundred-percent sure the only reasons those feelings existed were to lead me to you."

"But - " I wouldn't cut Nessie off. I wanted to assuage all of her doubts - until they were all gone. "But what if I _wasn't _born, Jake?"

"But you were, Ness," I told her, kissing her softly. How did you explain fate, destiny - God? "There is no time machine - nothing could have ever gone a different way besides the way it did."

She looked up at me with her huge, beautiful eyes and nodded. "Okay."

"Okay?" I asked, making sure. Nessie nodded, and gently pulled me down for a kiss. She gave my bottom lip a soft lick with her tongue, and I bit back a groan. Not now, Jake. Comfort Nessie. "Are you sure you're okay, Ness? I want you to understand - I'll explain for as long as it takes, honey."

"I understand," she said in a small voice, removing her lips from mine to kiss around my mouth. "I know you love me, Jake. I don't doubt that. I just wondered . . . "

"Don't wonder, Nessie." I closed my eyes for a second and brushed our lips, savoring the connection. "I swear to you the only reason I was ever born was because God knew one day you would be too."

I felt moisture and pulled back to see a single tear running down Nessie's cheek. Her eyes weren't sad though.

"I love you so much, Jacob."

"I love you too, Nessie, honey." I kissed the tear away and thankfully, there were no more. "More than you even know."

"I do know, Jake." Nessie gave a small, tired smile and reached up to tug at a piece of my hair. Her eyes looked tired - it _was_ late. "I do. Can you just . . . hold me?"

Nessie had never asked me like that and it was so good to hear her say it. And of course I had no issues with that, so I rolled over and pulled her into my side. I tried to hold her closer than usual - wrapping the forearm of the arm her head laid on around her back and resting her leg on my thigh so I could hold her around the hips with my free arm and pull her even closer.

That night, we slept better than usual.

Things were still funny too, of course, and Nessie was still deliciously tempting - even when she didn't know it. And one time about a thousand more than others.

I had just got into the shower when I heard the beat of a song I hadn't heard in forever come from the TV in the living room. I hollered at Nessie to keep it, because knowing her taste in music, she'd change it in a heartbeat otherwise, and to turn it up. Which she did - my sweet Ness.

It was a song from like six years back, a Fifty song if I wasn't mistaken. Wasn't exactly clean, but . . . whatever. I realized a couple seconds later that like an idiot, I'd forgot to grab a couple of those tiny bottles of shampoo they give you and I'd already gone a couple days of only washing my hair with water. No need to start stinking. Nessie wouldn't like that.

So I hopped back out of the shower and wrapped a towel around my waist quickly since the door was open, before I went to the sink for the soap. I looked up and the soap fell to the floor.

Nessie.

Nessie was standing in front of the television with - with her shirt tied up around her waist and her jeans were pulled down low on her hips. They had to be because believe me, I had spent _a lot_ of time looking at Nessie's jeans, and they had not been that low.

But it wasn't even the clothes - I might have been able to handle that. I'd seen Nessie's beautiful flat stomach before, after all, although not her back like it was exposed to me now . . . no, it was definitely not clothes.

Nessie was _dancing_. Not just any regular dancing - Nessie was dancing to a Fifty song. Just a Lil Bit, if you wanted to get specific - and - and I had never even seen something so -

Needless to say, I was instantly hard.

I watched Nessie roll her hips like a pro, the movement carrying up her body all the way to her chest. Nessie arched her back them, making her ass look almost irresistible before she stopped abruptly. I could tell from her pink cheeks that she had embarrassed herself.

I was frozen, watching her decide to try again a second later. I knew I had no right to watch, that Nessie obviously didn't know I was here, but I couldn't tear my eyes away.

Nessie lifted her arms up near her face, stretching her body out, and rolled her entire body again - much better this time. I think she lost some of her inhibition because she started dancing then and I was lost - I didn't even think about returning to the shower. And when I did finally return, it was obvious what I would do there.

Nessie rocked her hips and swung them back - it was like the music and dance were made to present me with every perfect angle of her hips and ass. I bit back a moan as Nessie dropped down, having watched enough rap videos to know what was coming, and slowly came back up, her ass arched out towards me.

I just watched, shifting my weight to a more comfortable position, and tried to restrain myself from running over to her and throwing her down on the bed. But when she was almost all the way up, I saw her eyes flit up into the mirror - straight at me - and she froze.,

Her face immediately reddened and she snatched her shirt out of her bra so it covered her again. My poor Ness just stood there, looking humiliated, when she should have been the complete opposite. I was the one that ought to embarrassed.

But I was still speechless.

"Nessie - what - "

"I was just . . . you said - good dance music, so I just - thought I'd - sorry."

"Sorry? She was telling me sorry for giving me what was possible one of the best sights of my life? A fantasy that would definitely be replaying itself in my dreams tonight and more than a few nights thereafter?

She didn't say anything so I knew she must've been really embarrassed. I needed to comfort her but I needed to get some clothes on first. I told her to hold on, swung the bathroom door shut, and pulled on my jeans fast as hell. Cut off the water too - didn't need that anymore.

A few seconds later, I was in front of her.

"Just don't laugh, okay?" She asked in a tiny voice. "I know I'm not any good, I just thought I'd try - "

"Nessie, that was so hot." There were other words I could use, but they'd probably only make Nessie more uncomfortable than she was right now.

"What?"

I walked towards her carefully, slowly, since she looked like a scared little bunny about to scamper off.

"You looked - so good." So goddamn sexy. "I mean, I didn't know you could - "

"I've never done it before." I was happy when Nessie took a small step towards me - she was so close now. "I just remembered what you said about it being good dance music, so I figured this must be the kind of dancing you like . . . so I thought I'd try it."

And try it you did.

God, I needed her lips right now.

"Can I kiss you?"

I hadn't asked her for weeks, but she still looked a little like a bunny and I didn't want to scare her. Never wanted to scare her.

"Of course you - "

That was really all I needed. I was kissing her before she could even finish giving me permission.

"Don't be embarrassed, Nessie," I whispered into her mouth. "Please don't - you're so beautiful."

The pink in Nessie's cheeks lightened a shade as she mumbled, "I just feel stupid."

"Don't." Never. I wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her body against mine. "You'll have to do that again for me sometime."

It's something I definitely need to see again to survive. And I'm not exaggerating.

"You want me to dance for you?" Nessie's eyes were torn between desire and shyness. I realized how my words must have sounded.

"Or with me." I kissed her again. Silly Nessie. I tried not to think about dancing with her like that. "You make it sound like I'm going to be flinging dollar bills at you. I just want a chance to see that again."

"How about after I get some practice?"

Could that be something I could possibly watch? I asked and Nessie laughed.

"Come here, you dumb dog." Ouch, baby. I stopped caring when she pulled me back down to her mouth.

A minute later we were on the bed. I lifted Nessie's thigh and rested it over my hip, sliding my hand back to cup her round ass. It was okay to do that now - and I couldn't say in all honesty that I passed up many chances to.

I knew we needed to get going, make some ground - get some space between us and the bloodsucker even though we had a day's head start, but - it was just so good. Nessie slid her hands down my bare back and whimpered when I held her a little harder. She sighed my name.

Yeah, we weren't getting on the road for a while.

When we finally did, it was way later than usual but it was cool. Nessie started to tone it down and I knew that was her signal she was too worked up. She was getting so good about that lately.

Nessie's limits seemed to be under the clothes and straddling my hips. Every time my fingers would stray to play across her breasts under her shirt or we started making out with her in my lap, it was never long before Nessie pulled away with her cheeks pink and an apologetic look in her eyes. I didn't mind - I loved that she was being so honest.

But for me, it was harder to have her under me. She was so much closer that way and I felt so . . . dominant and in control and that unlocked the wolf and the alpha and - it was just harder. The feeling of her legs wrapped tight around me - that seemed to be another limit for me too. And when I say limits, I don't mean those weren't things we didn't do - they just pushed us to our breaking point a lot faster, which meant I had to say goodbye to Nessie's softness a lot sooner.

I tried to avoid Nessie's limits altogether since I didn't want to make things any harder for her. I only touched her over her clothes and even though it was harder for me, I made sure I was usually on top when we kissed.

It was weird that it was harder for Nessie to be on top because she'd told me once - blushing, of course - that she liked it better when I laid over her. Maybe she just didn't trust herself with the control, which was fine - if she didn't want it, I'd take it from her. If she wanted it, I'd give it to her.

And of course . . . well, any grinding got us both past the limit pretty quick, so we hadn't been doing that as much lately. Until tonight.

I was on top but with my hand up Nessie's shirt - something she had initiated, taking my hand and sliding it up her shirt, looking sexy as hell. Saying, "You know you can touch me, Jake. It's okay."

I guess she'd noticed my hesitancy lately.

Nessie's arms were wrapped around my shoulders and her legs were around my waist. We were kissing pretty hard, our breathing starting to get heavy and I was waiting for Nessie's signal. For her kisses to begin to soften under my mouth, for her body to relax. I was still pretty okay, so I was content to keep on with this.

Then Nessie wrapped her legs tighter around my hips, pulling them down closer to hers, and ground against my hardness. I bit back an expletive.

"Nessie - "

"It's okay, Jake," Nessie panted, but her scent was telling another story. Strong and hot, filling the air around us. "I'm good for another few minutes. Don't stop."

I couldn't deny her when she asked me for anything like that. And little Jake was getting pretty hard to deny too, so I gave in and rubbed myself against her for a few seconds, Nessie's moans only spurring me on.

More than a few minutes passed and I only got hotter and hotter and so did Nessie, to the point where her scent was so strong, I was surprised I couldn't _feel_ it by now. Our movements grew more frantic - Nessie's small sounds louder and my control and sanity smaller and farther as each second passed.

I was so impossibly hard and so impossibly close to forgetting about waiting and marriage and all the rest of it. The rationalization started and I knew that was the beginning of the end - the _Nessie wants it too_'s and the _the imprint means we're as good as married anyway_'s.

I forced my hand out from Nessie's shirt and down to her hips, pulling them down away from mine and back against the bed, Nessie's only complaint being a low whine. Both our hearts were still pounding past what even seemed possible.

I needed to figure this out for my Ness. I had to find a way to help her 'fix her problem'.

I made my decision - Leah ran patrols Saturday mornings, last I knew. If I wasn't mistaken, it was Friday night. Tomorrow, I would go phase.

* * *

**Coming up:**

I felt Leah's mental snort. _What, for marriage?_

She felt the confirmation in my head and then her thoughts turned incredulous.

_Are you serious, man? That's just stupid. You're imprinted! No marriage is gonna . . ._

_Leah,_ I thought sternly. _That's not what I need advice on._

_Okay, okay. _I felt her thoughts scramble a little, felt her slow down running a little. _Um . . . so you want to . . . get her off, right?_


	37. Desperate Enough to Ask the Devil

**_A/N: _**All right, y'all, here's this chapter and I really hope you like it. It's completely new, nothing in here that you saw in HoM so I hope you like the change of pace. I think it gives a lot more insight into Jake - I knew this happened all along, meaning it was always a part of the plot in my head, but I just could never fit it into Nessie's POV. Which is the entire point of Undeniable, really.

So, yes. I know Leah is nearly impossible to write and I know that I'm not the best Leah-writer to ever live, but I hope my Leah is passable. I hope you like the tiny little flashback too - let me know what you think about that. And, well, all of it really.

**_Disclaimer: _**I regret to inform you that I own none of this. I can't even say I own the credit for picking the lyrics, because the ones for this chapter were pointed out to me by my good friend Katie. So there's her little bit of cred - I don't know what I'd have put if she hadn't helped me out. On a side note, this is probably one of the few (if not only) time the lyrics weren't very obviously about Jake and Nessie's relationship. Hm . . .

* * *

Desperate Enough to Ask the Devil

* * *

_although you were biased, i love your advice  
__your comebacks, they're quick and probably  
__have to do with your insecurities _

_- jason mraz, beautiful mess_

-

I woke up first thing in the morning and pulled on my jeans and rinsed off my face before I woke Nessie. Last night was ridiculous, and it was all my fault. Nessie squirmed her way out from under me and when I'd tried to give her my parting kiss, she'd avoided it and bounded into the bathroom, mumbling some crap about having to wash her hair.

Then I heard the crying. I wanted to punch myself in the face, or at least give the shitty motel walls a few holes or something. Nessie was so sexually frustrated that she was _crying_. How in the hell - what was I going to do?

I - I had to ask Leah. I had to, and I would - I would swallow my pride, threaten her not to make any lewd comments, and be as vague as possible while guarding my thoughts like a hawk. Like a wolf.

I wasn't going to get Nessie's hopes up only to leave her more frustrated than before. If I thought I could . . . do this for her, pushed us further than we'd ever gone, only to be unable to push her over that edge - well, my ego taking a hit would be the least of my problems. I don't think my poor Nessie would be able to stand it.

I had to have at least a little more basic knowledge before I attempted _anything_. I threw myself into one of the shitty chairs and buried my head in my hands while I waited for her, and when she finally came out, I could easily tell she had been crying. Maybe somebody else wouldn't have, but I knew her too well.

I apologized about a hundred times it felt like, between the time she came out of the bathroom and the time she floated off to sleep. And the worst part was, I couldn't even hold her. She didn't want me to - it was hard for her, I could tell by her body language, so I stayed away. Even when it was time to go to sleep, Nessie didn't burrow her tiny body into the side of mine like she usually did, but just held out her hand and twined her fingers through mine.

"I'm sorry, Jake," she whispered, but I shook my head to wave it off. "It's just . . . really hard."

"I know, Ness."

She sidled into my side then and I arranged myself so she could rest her head on my arm. Nessie left a few inches between our bodies.

"I'm sorry for not stopping us sooner," I whispered, shushing her when she opened her mouth to protest. I kissed the corner of her forehead lightly - I wouldn't take more, not now. "It's my fault. Now sleep."

She tilted her face up towards me, which usually meant she wanted a kiss but I reckoned I must be wrong since she was still so upset. The scent of her arousal still lingered around her - it usually didn't after a shower.

"Jake." I looked down to see Nessie tilting her face towards me a little more. She did the sexiest thing with her lips where they got . . . bigger. Then I realize she was offering her lips for a kiss. Damn. "Goodnight kiss?"

I couldn't say no to her, so I leaned down and pressed my closed lips gently to hers. Nessie smiled when I pulled back.

Soon after that, she faded off. I hated to wake her up now, but this was important. I shook her gently awake and told her I needed to go phase. A small crinkle appeared between Nessie's big brown eyes, and she looked so adorable as she pushed a lock of hair away from her face.

I forced myself to keep my eyes on her face and not laugh as she had a tiny kicking fit to get the covers off.

"But you just phased two days ago," she said, like I had been hoping she wouldn't.

It was on the tip of my tongue to tell her that I felt like my facial hair was coming in again and I wanted to nip it in the bud, but I hadn't lied to Nessie before and I wouldn't start now.

"Well, you know, better safe than sorry." There. I didn't lie and I didn't answer her.

Nessie nodded and took my offered hand, letting me pull her up.

"Sure, sure." She looked around, still half-asleep, and reached for her bag. "You're right, Jake. Let me just change my clothes really fast."

She dropped her bag then and walked to the bathroom without it, I reckon just remembering her clothes from yesterday were still in there. She was so cute when she first woke up.

She came out a few minutes later with her face washed and her clothes from yesterday on. Her hair was a mess of curls, tumbling around her shoulders and down her back. I snatched the hairbrush out of her reach when she went for it.

"Leave it like that."

"Seriously, Jake?"

I nodded, and tried to give her my puppy dog eyes. "I like it."

Nessie rolled her eyes at me, but just held her hand out for mine which I gave her.

"Well, come on then, let's hurry up so you can go change into a huge, mythical wolf."

I grinned at her. "I don't think there's a time limit."

"But it's like stretching, right?" Nessie asked, surprising me. It was surprisingly like stretching, especially once you were practiced. And Nessie had never even seen me make the change - "And they say stretching is best done in the morning . . . "

"Who says?"

"Them."

"Who are they?"

"People."

"Vampire people? Because you know I don't trust them."

"Oh, just come on, Jake!" She tugged at my hand with both of hers, leaning back with her full weight, but I stood my ground easily. "I just read it somewhere. Let's go!"

I grinned and gave all my weight to the momentum suddenly so Nessie stumbled back, catching her at the last minute. She gave a little shout of surprise and narrowed her eyes at me in playfulness.

"You like to hold the fact that you're big and tall and strong over me, but you're going to come running one day when you need somebody to crawl under a gate or slip into a crawl-space or something."

I chuckled a little as I led her out the door and towards the woods nearby.

"Like I would let you shove yourself into a crawl-space," I snorted. "I'd just rip it open and get whatever I wanted from inside."

Nessie rolled her eyes but didn't say anything and we were silent until we got far enough in for me to phase. I pulled off my shirt and gave it to Nessie, watching in surprise as she lifted it to her nose and breathed in.

She blushed bright red when she saw me. "I just - I like the way you smell. It lingers on your clothes."

I didn't want to embarrass her anymore so I just smiled and walked off to go phase, more turned on than I should have been. I took a second to cool down, let my mind go blank. Leah better be there - and alone too. I took another few seconds before I stretched, as Nessie called it, and let the change roll over me.

I sensed only one other mind - a distinctly feminine one. If you could call Leah feminine.

_Heard that, asshole._

Yes. God loves me.

_Yeah, um . . . okay. _I was so concentrated on keeping Leah out that I think it caught her attention. Okay, I know it did. _So what's got you trying so hard to keep your mind blank? What doesn't Mr. Alpha want me to see? Been up to something naughty with little miss Nessie?_

Now that hit a nerve. It was none of her goddamn business. _Leah . . ._

_Oh, come on, Jake - you know I don't care and I don't wanna see anyway. So, what're you even phased for? Seth said you checked in like two days ago. Everything okay?_

_Yeah, everything's fine_. I kept my mind perfectly blank as I walked out to Nessie. I sat down beside her, not touching her or looking at her. I didn't want to have to look at her when I asked Leah about this.

_Ask Leah about what?_

Fuck. _I've, uh . . . got a problem. And I was wondering if I could . . . ask your advice._

_Why me? _Leah's surprise was a little too clear in my mind.

_It's kinda . . . girly. _

_I thought I didn't technically count as a girl?_

_Come on, Leah, don't be like that. I - really need your help, okay? _

_Well, what is it? Little Nessie get her period for the first time and go into bloodlust?_

_Shut the fuck up, Leah_. I bit back a growl so I wouldn't disturb Nessie. She had sidled closer to me and was scratching my ears now. _Don't say shit like that about her - I'm fucking serious._

_Fine, fine. _I could see inside's Leah's mind, I knew she didn't really dislike Nessie and was just saying it to get a rise out of me, but - _It worked._

_Yeah, well._

_So?_

_So?_

_What d'you need to know? _

Shit. I hadn't even thought about what I was gonna say. _I, uh . . . me and Nessie, we . . . well, Nessie is . . . fuck._

_You know, Jake - _I could feel Leah's smugness at whatever was bugging me. _You could just stop blocking me and let me see so we didn't have to do this whole irritating back and forth._

_We'll do it like this if I want to! _I let the Alpha through in my frustration before I realized and winced mentally when I felt Leah's will bend to it.

_Yes, Alpha. _

_Fuck, I'm sorry, Leah. _I hated doing that. I hadn't even meant to that time. _I'm just really stressed - you don't even have to help me if you don't want, but Nessie just . . . _

_Just show me, Jake. Damn._

So I did. I thought carefully, trying to keep memories, images, out. Just clinical thoughts, focusing on the grass in front of me so it was the only visual Leah would get. I thought about Nessie's frustration, and how it was affecting her, affecting our relationship until we could hardly kiss without it getting out of hand. I thought about how I wanted to help her . . . relieve her frustration but didn't know how. How I wanted to do it without going too far.

Leah's only response was a stunned, _Oh. _

_So?_

_Why are you torturing yourself, Jake? _I felt her honest confusion, and a little . . . jealousy, but I pretended I didn't. Leah, of course, knew that, but ignored it too. _Nessie seems ready. Why don't you just . . . _

_No. _I didn't need any encouragement in that direction. _We're . . . waiting._

I felt Leah's mental snort. _What, for marriage?_

She felt the confirmation in my head and then her thoughts turned incredulous.

_Are you serious, man? That's just stupid. You're imprinted! No marriage is gonna . . ._

_Leah,_ I thought sternly. _That's not what I need advice on._

_Okay, okay. _I felt her thoughts scramble a little, felt her slow down running some. _Um . . . so you want to . . . get her off, right?_

I winced at the crudeness of the statement, but chose to ignore it. How else did I expect Leah to say it? _Y-yeah._

_Well, just . . . shit, Jake, I mean. Touch her, man._

_I - _Fuck, what was I thinking of, getting myself into this? Leah winced mentally. _I don't want to go too far. I don't . . . want to undress her. I mean, there isn't anything we can . . . do through clothes?_

_God, Jake, you are such a virgin, _Leah thought, not exactly unkindly.

But I still thought back defensively, _Yeah, I am! _

_I'm just saying - most twenty-four year olds know about shit like this. _I could tell Leah's rudeness this time was from her slight embarrassment too, so I didn't take too much offense. _Like, I know you imprinted when you were seventeen, but damn._

_Leah, _I thought tiredly. _Do you have a solution for me or not?_

_Haven't you ever heard of dry humping?_

I did the mental version of spluttering for a few seconds. _I don't - even - that's not - I don't want to - _

Somewhere in there, I think Leah grasped what I meant from my thoughts because hers answered mine exactly. _Yes, that can get her off too, and Jake - are you a masochist or what? You can . . . enjoy yourself too, damn._

_That's none of your business._ I felt myself getting ill and defensive again, but how was it Leah's business? I had to keep control and I couldn't do it if - besides the fact that just the _name_ of it sounded horrible - I was _dry humping_ Nessie. If I had my hips against hers like that -

_Woah, Jake - calm down, seriously. _I realized with shock that my lust had been traveling through to her. I felt her try to calm herself down. _That's - wow, that's pretty fucking strong._

_That wasn't even all of it._

_Okay, okay, just . . . _I felt Leah struggling with herself to . . . be nice. Her thoughts got softer. I caught a flash, fast as lightening, of Sam's face. _You can touch her with your hands . . . through her clothes or underwear, depending on what you want. Or what she wants. _

Really? Would that work?

_Even through . . . like, pajama pants? Would that be . . . enough? _I can't believe I was even having this conversation.

_It should be, Jake. _

Then I was bombarded with the image of a much younger Leah, one I remembered from way back when, laid back on the Clearwater's couch. With a body that was unmistakably Sam's hovering over hers. He plucked at the waistband of her pants.

"No, Sam, not . . . yet," she whispered, to which Sam gave a sound of disappointment. "Just . . . through the clothes."

"Lee . . ." They were so young - Leah couldn't have been more than sixteen.

She took Sam's hand and guided it down between her legs, and I barely caught the burst of pleasure that she felt before Leah snatched the image away.

I was going to pretend I hadn't seen it, but Leah thought in my direction, _Sorry._

_S'okay._

_I - I usually don't even . . . I guess when you just brought up that one thing, it . . . brought it back for a second._

_S'okay, Leah._

_Yeah?_

I tried not to let my pity through because I knew Leah hated that. Memories always came back occasionally, but it was good to hear it wasn't that often for Leah anymore. _Yeah._

_So . . . um, yeah, Jake. It . . . feels about as good as it would for you, I'm sure. And if you're kissing and um . . . the rest of it, it should. _I could still feel Leah's embarrassment from before. _I mean, it's been forever since I've - but yeah. Just be gentle and do what her body tells you, Jake - you're fucking imprinted. The one thing about that freaky shit is that it will tell you what to do for her. _

I was relieved, but knew I wasn't out of the woods yet. _I just don't . . . she's so frustrated, and I wouldn't be able to stand myself if I got her all worked up and then couldn't . . . _

Shit. Why the hell had I even said all that?

_You can, Jake. Weird, freaky, wolf-baby-making-magic, right? _I only felt a little bitterness - mostly just humor. _I'm pretty damn sure you can, just make sure not to give me a rundown of it the next time you phase - that's all I ask. _

_Don't worry. _If I got to see something so . . . intimate, experience that with Nessie . . . nobody else would be fucking see it.

_Well, good. Because none of us need to see it. _I felt Leah's mental smile. _Besides, Quil might get jealous. His imprint got a two year head start on yours and he's still got at least five years to wait. _

_Leah, you know the imprint's not - _

_Like that, _she finished for me. _I know. It was a joke this time, Jake. Jeez._

_Okay, well . . ._

_Oh, go get back to your imprint, you pervy wolf. _She cringed. _Between you and Seth, I'm going to have to start washing my brain out with bleach. I got used to living without all those naked women in my brain._

_Whatever, Leah. _I mentally smiled, hoping Leah'd catch it. I got up and started walking back towards the bushes. _Thanks a ton anyway, though, and if you could . . ._

_Keep it to myself? Sure thing, Romeo - I've got no need to relive this conversation over again. _

_Hardee-har-har. I'm going now._

_Yeah, okay - and Jake? _She caught me right before I was about to phase back. _I know you, like, had no choice because as far as you knew Seth's still a little virgin and Quil's like all magically confined to PG-thoughts and all . . . and Embry's, well . . . Embry and gross. But anyway, just . . . thanks for like, asking or whatever, I guess._

I was, needless to say (or think), shocked. _You're . . .welcome then._

_Not that this conversation was pleasant at _all_, but just . . . you know, that you trusted my opinion or something equally "girly". Like you said, I'm not good with it._

_No problem, Leah. _She acknowledged my thought. _See you around._

_Oh, just go! _

I phased. I pulled my jeans back on slowly, a knot tying itself in my stomach. I had my solution now, I knew how . . . to help Nessie. It was so simple I had missed it, but now I knew. Now I just had to do it.

I needed a game-plan, courage . . . . and most of all, I needed control.

I zipped up my jeans and walked out to Nessie, who hopped up when she saw me coming - presenting me with my shirt. I gave my eyes a second to rove her body - her beautiful hair and face and neck and round, full breasts and flat stomach and gorgeous hips and slim thighs. And her amazing ass, even if it was hidden from my view right now.

If things didn't . . . go haywire or I didn't die from my stomach eating itself out, by the end of tonight that beautiful body would be writhing against me in pleasure. It had before, but tonight it would be the ultimate please - orgasm.

I was going to do that for Nessie. I would.

If I could. Nessie licked her full lips and reached forward to wipe what was apparently some dirt from my stomach. My abs tightened under her fingers and she blushed and smiled at the same time.

God help me.

* * *

**Coming up:**

Nessie pulled me down against her, until our chests were pressed together, her nipples hard enough for me to feel through both of our shirts. Thank God I had mine on - thank God I was wearing jeans. Thank God I'd had enough sense for that.

Thank God for Nessie.

After a few minutes, Nessie pulled her lips away from mine and I was about to ask her what was wrong but she just laid back and watched me, rolling her hips into me with each swirl of my fingers. Her pajama pants were almost slick against my fingers now - I was holding onto the wolf by a few threads - and I couldn't believe that was even possible.

I swirled my finger over a small nub-type thing that seemed to be the source of most of the pleasure - it's what got the most reaction from Nessie anyway - and Nessie's eyes fluttered, like they were going to roll back in her head.


	38. Yes, Yes, Yes

**_A/N:_** So, guys, I know this is an important one so I really hope I nailed it. Well, I feel like I did so the question is just whether or not you think so. The winners of the **SOB challenge** are announced tomorrow, so I'm equally excited and nervous about that! I don't know if they'll be delayed a day since voting was, but I hope not! Keep fingers crossed, girls!

That's about it! Make sure to let me know what you think - I always reply!

**_Disclaimer:_** I don't own anything, especially not the lyrics for this chapter - which, incidentally, I have had picked out for this chapter, since I wrote the corresponding one for _HoM_. :D

**_

* * *

_**

Yes, Yes, Yes

**_

* * *

  
_**

_come on, get higher  
loosen my lips  
faith and desire at the swing of your hips_

_- matt nathanson_

_-_

Needless to say, the rest of the day, I was a mess. My head was so full of so many thoughts, and I was trying so hard to make my game plan and not become horribly aroused at the same time when I imagined what I would be doing to Nessie tonight.

Nessie and I had gotten into some pretty heavy petting sessions before and I don't think that Nessie - while she'd definitely been past turned on - had ever been close to . . . to that. If she had, there was no way she would have been able to stop - or I at least would have known.

So, I was pretty sure I needed something else . . . to help her along. I had an idea, but I wasn't sure . . . I wasn't sure I could do it and - keep control of myself. I would try though. I would do it - I would help my Nessie find release so we could be together without all this . . . sexual tension.

The sexual tension was unbearable, even now when all we were doing was sitting next to each other, holding hands. Nessie's heart was at a flutter, staying constantly a few beats above normal no matter what we were doing. And we were stuck in this damn car.

I knew we couldn't stop now - we had to do some driving. But once we were there - I shuddered at the thought of what would happen once we got there. I hope I had the nerve.

"You okay?"

"Hm?" Nessie's voice kinda shocked me - she hadn't said anything for awhile. I looked over at her.

"You just . . . shivered or something, so I didn't know . . . "

I shook my head, trying to keep my face from growing red. It would do no good to tell her I was thinking about watching her come undone under my hands. I just mumbled, "I'm fine."

And we didn't say much else.

I drove longer than I usually did, around five hours, but I was just so goddamn nervous. When Nessie laid the chair back, and switched from her left hand inside mine to the right so she could lay back on her side, I reckoned we'd better stop. I told her we'd find a hotel so she could go ahead and lay down if she was tired.

Maybe - maybe it wouldn't be tonight. If the tension was bearable for Nessie, then I would wait. I realized I was disappointed, just a little.

"I'm not," she said quietly, pulling her hand out of mine. I left it open and she started tracing along my palm with her fingernails absently. "I can just look at you better this way."

I smiled at her and she smiled back, then I took my eyes back to the road. I was having a hard time looking at her - like if I looked into her eyes for too long, she'd see what I was thinking.

We got into our hotel and I unloaded our stuff, fucking nervous as ever. I was as jittery as - how did Sue say it? - a virgin on prom night. I set all of our stuff down and grabbed some bananas and a box of strawberries out of the cooler - I definitely needed some sustenance.

I felt like everything felt wrong - standing up felt weird, but so did the idea of sitting down, so I just leaned back against the wall. I started in on the bananas and Nessie just watched me.

"You wanna change?"

She was still in her jeans - she'd need to get out of them if . . . I mean, jeans were just much thicker and . . . God, I was messing this up already.

Nessie just looked at me for a few seconds before she leaned down and started digging through her bag for her pajamas. She pulled them out and headed to the bathroom.

I'd usually change now, but I'd thought this out. I knew exactly how this was going to go down - or I'd thought so, at least. I - it was already gonna be hard enough for me to keep control in the best situation, but . . . but if I was in sweatpants and a wife-beater . . . or especially without my shirt, where Nessie could touch me and I could feel her especially well - just no.

So I slipped off my shoes but left the rest of my clothes on. I pulled my hair back. For two reasons - the first was that Nessie liked it, but the second was . . . well, if Nessie sunk her fingers into my hair like she normally did . . .

Tonight was about Nessie. All about her. She would be the only one getting release - although after she was asleep, I wasn't going to rule out a very hot shower. I know - in my heart of hearts that even if tonight worked out perfectly and I could help Nessie find release, I knew she would beg to reciprocate.

And I had to be strong enough to say no.

I sat down on the bed and grabbed the remote, but I wasn't seeing anything on the television. I was nervous as hell.

Nessie came out of the bathroom a few seconds later in her pajamas, looking delicious. She crawled across the bed to me - I offered out my arm so she could snuggle into my side.

"You okay, Jake?" Concern was clear in her sweet voice. "Are you feeling sick?"

"Nah, Ness, I'm fine." I didn't want her to be worried, but I felt like if I looked at her she'd see everything. "Are you sleepy?"

"No." I just nodded.

"You hungry?" I grabbed the box of strawberries off the nightstand and held them out to her.

In my mind, this went smoothly. I took care of Nessie with finesse, made sure she was fed and totally comfortable before we even moved forward with anything else. That was in my mind - but in reality, it wasn't working out that way.

"I guess I wouldn't mind some strawberries." Nessie took the box from me, her fingers brushing mine, and set it down in my lap. She flipped it open. "Want one?"

"I'm good." I really wasn't hungry anymore. "You eat."

It took every single bit of my control not to watch Nessie eat those strawberries - I knew I wouldn't be able to stand it. I would pull her to me and kiss her and I promised myself that I would do this right.

"These are really sweet," I heard her say a few seconds later. Then Nessie lifted a large strawberry with a piece bitten off up to my lips. "Here - try it."

"No, Nessie, really - I'm fine." I didn't need Nessie feeding me right now.

"Just try it, Jake." Her lips were a little redder than usual from the strawberries and when she pouted them like that . . . "Please."

I let my lips fall open. Nessie's eyes lit up and she lifted the strawberry to my lips - she was right, it was sweet. Although that probably had something to do with the fact that Nessie was feeding it to me, that it was her fingers brushing my lips.

"See?"

I nodded, trying to keep my desire manageable. Nessie gave a sad little sigh and ate the last piece of strawberry, throwing it into the box and closing it. She picked it up and then crawled across my lap, presenting me - as she had been apt to do lately - with her round ass.

I felt like an idiot - Nessie had been trying to initiate something, engage me. And I had been so wrapped up in my thoughts and plans and keeping control that I missed it. Nessie wanted me to kiss her.

When Nessie made to crawl back to her place beside me, I caught her around the waist and pulled her gently into my lap. I ran my hands over Nessie's arms, making her shiver.

"How are you feeling?" I asked her. This would be the most intimate thing Nessie and I had ever done physically and I wanted it to be perfect for her - gentle, soft. Everything girls wanted, right?

"Fine." Nessie pressed her fingertips to my face - I thought she was going to show me something but she didn't. It was just a touch. "How are _you _feeling?"

I didn't know what to say so I just waggled my eyebrows at her and nodded. I reached a hand back to play in her hair. I wanted to tell her how beautiful she was, but the words wouldn't come. I felt so nervous about kissing her - more nervous than I ever had, even the first time.

I kissed her once, gently - I felt like for some reason she would see my intention and reject me. But she didn't. I pulled back to check her eyes and Nessie smiled a little, beckoning me back with a nod of her head. I put my hand on her neck and pressed our lips back together.

After a few seconds, I started to relax - this was Nessie. Leah was right - I'd know what I was doing. I even let my hand slide back to cup her ass - it was okay, Nessie liked it. Nessie was my perfect match - she liked everything I did. She was so amazing.

Nessie gave a small moan into my lips and I had to hold back a smile. I loved how she reacted to me.

"Roll us over."

That was one command I had no problem with. I rolled us, so Nessie's soft body was pressed between my hard one and the mattress, just how we both liked. I held my weight with my right arm but I let my left touch Nessie, massage her waist, heading up. I would take this slow - I wouldn't rush. I wanted Nessie to feel everything.

I felt Nessie begin to wriggle under me, her legs shifting. I knew what she wanted. She wanted - even the thought was enough to make me hard, but I didn't let it - she wanted my body between her legs. And tonight was all about giving Nessie what she wanted, to a certain extent, so I lifted my body so she could part her legs. I laid back over her carefully, making sure my hips were pressed firmly into the bed. No temptation for Jake tonight.

Nessie's scent steadily grew and with it the heat and passion of our kisses - she was spurring me on and she didn't even know it. I massaged her breast over her shirt and she moaned out loud, her nipple hardening immediately under my hand. I nipped her lip and she made another small noise.

Nessie started to press herself into my stomach and I knew things were heating up - but they needed to go a little further first. There was something else I wanted to do for Nessie, but . . . but I had to work up to it.

I slipped my hand under Nessie's shirt, rubbing her stomach in the way I knew she liked and let a little more of my weight fall onto her. Maybe Nessie could get there on her own, against my stomach - the thought was mind-blowing. Maybe I wouldn't have to touch her at all. Again, I felt disappointment instead of the relief I should have felt at me not having to take us that far.

I broke away from Nessie's lips to nibble down her neck, biting gently when my fingers finally reached the soft swell where her breast started.

"Jacob." God, she was panting. She rubbed herself against my stomach. "Jacob, we - I - need to stop."

Oh, my Ness. She was trying to be responsible. I was kind of hoping this would be one of the times she gave into her desires, just went with it so I wouldn't have to say out loud what I was planning.

"Why?" I had to know - if she thought we were going too far, I would stop, of course - I had to make sure it was just the frustration issue.

I went back to licking at her neck.

"Because - it's too much - I'm getting too - " Her chest was heaving, pressing her breasts into my throat with every breath. " - I'm not going to want to stop - I'm going to get - upset again."

You won't, Nessie. I'm going to help you, baby.

"Do you trust me, Nessie?" I asked instead. That was imperative.

"Of - _course_ I do, Jacob." Her answer was immediate.

"Okay." I brushed her bare nipple with my fingertips, an amazing feeling, and Nessie made a whining sound.

"Jacob - I'm serious - "

"Is it too much for you?" I couldn't stop kissing her, flicking my tongue over her earlobe. "Or are you just worried about being frustrated when we stop?"

"The - " My fingernail accidentally caught Nessie's nipple and she arched hard against me. "The last one."

Yes.

"We're not going to stop." I'm gonna make it better, baby.

Nessie's legs clenched me hard. Her heartbeat went erratic.

"I thought - I thought you wanted to wait."

Oh, my Ness. She thought I meant - that I was going back on my promise, our decision. She thought I wanted sex.

"Relax, Ness." I slid my hand over to press in between her breasts, over her heart that was still freaking out. "We're waiting. That's not what I meant."

Nessie's heart immediately slowed. Poor baby.

I knew Nessie's question was coming so I beat her to it, whispering into her ear, "I think I can help you."

"H-how?"

"I think I can make you feel better." No need to be graphic - it'd only embarrass both of us. I brushed my lips over her ear and massaged her breast, drawing a noise from both of us. "If you trust me. I think I can make it easier."

I traced my tongue over her jaw and Nessie whined, "Please."

I swear I'd heard that a thousand times in my dreams.

I had permission. Now - it was time. I suddenly had a knot of lust and nerves in my stomach even bigger than before. I had no idea if what I was about to do was off-limits - it was only an idea, an instinct -

"Stop me if you need to," I told her, before connecting our lips again.

I kissed her slowly, but deeply for a few minutes - my fingers playing along her breasts. I wanted to stretch this out for her, make sure she was more comfortable and even more aroused before I even attempted -

Nessie's tiny hands reaching behind to to try and tug my t-shirt up my back brought me back down a little. She was starting to worry about me - and trust me, if I thought I could, the shirt would have already been gone. But I didn't think I could.

"No, Ness," I whispered to stop her.

"Why?" Her voice was so wanting I wanted to give into her, but I knew that was irresponsible. Completely irresponsible.

"Don't - don't worry about me." I flicked my tongue just past the opening of her lips, pulling my head back every time she tried to lift hers up to get closer - a distraction. She was groaning and moaning and sighing - yeah, I couldn't have her hands on my bare skin. "Just feel."

"I _am_." Nessie's head shot up and caught my lips for a few hot seconds . "I am feeling. I want to feel you, Jacob."

Why did she have to say things like that? I knew the only thing that would stop her now.

"No, Nessie." I used the Alpha voice, kissing the sides of her full lips to soften the harshness of it. "Trust me when I say no."

She whimpered in concession and slid her fingers into my hair when I started to kiss her neck. It was time. I guess it was a good thing her fingers were in my hair - at least I would be able to tell her nervousness more easily that way . . . by the tension in her fists.

My stomach was more knotted that it'd ever been and I was harder than I'd ever been - I shoved my hips into the mattress and shifted my weight, so I could kiss down the side of her neck. I took my hand out from under her shirt and cupped her breast from over it - Nessie's shirt would be staying on. There was no way - just no way.

When I reached the part where her neck started, I slowed down. I wanted to give her the opportunity to stop me if she wanted - I placed the first kiss on her her collarbone, through her t-shirt, and Nessie's pulse went wild. She knew.

I wondered more than once while I thought about this today if I was being selfish, if the reason I was doing this in particular was just because of my desires, but I knew it wasn't. I honestly thought it would feel good for Nessie. I hoped it did.

The first time my lips pressed into the soft swell of her breast, even through the cotton shirt, it was hard for me to bite back a moan. I cupped her more firmly in my hand, my heart freaking out now too, and lowered my lips to the peak I could see clearly through her shirt.

Nessie's body's reaction was immediate and strong: she arched her body hard against me, harder than she ever had and let out the sexiest whine I'd ever heard out of her mouth. Her scent roared up, enveloping me.

Only then, after I processed all of this, could I concentrate on the wonder of what I was doing right now. Nessie's nipple was harder, much harder than usual, under my lips - _between my lips_. My mouth soon wet the shirt and I could feel her even better - I swear I could almost taste her.

It was unbelievable, it was the single best experience of my life, I - God. I could only imagine what it would feel like to do this once we were married, when I could pull Nessie's bare nipple between my lips - taste her. Fuck.

"Jac-ob!"

I pulled my head back, feeling like a heretic to do it, to check Nessie. "Are you okay?"

"Yes - yes - _please _- "

I understood and I wouldn't make Nessie beg me. I dipped my head back down and took her in my mouth again, sucking gently. This had to be heaven - painfully, painfully arousing heaven, but heaven all the same.

I ran my tongue across the soft-hardness in my mouth, knowing if my fantasies were anything to go by that I'd like it very much if Nessie did that to me, and slid my free hand back up her shirt. Nessie gave a sound that was similar to a sob, but when I flashed my gaze back to her, her eyes were tearless.

I massaged Nessie's other breast for a few seconds before I realized she probably wanted a little attention on this side too - and I was more than happy to oblige. I lowered my head to her other breast, sliding my free hand to the one I had just been kissing, and rubbing my fingers over her nipple gently.

It was . . . wet from my mouth, and hard - impossibly hard. Sensitive too, if Nessie's reactions and scent were anything to go by.

That was when Nessie started to rub herself against my stomach. God - Nessie could use me as her scratching post anytime. After a few seconds, Nessie's desire seemed to have plateaued - I felt her whine in frustration as she ground against me again, but her scent stayed the same. Poor Ness - she needed some more help. I could do that - I think.

I still wanted go slow though, take it in stages, so I slid my hand out from under Ness's shirt and down to her hip. Back to cup her ass - I was so glad Nessie like this. I knew I wouldn't get to do it half as much if she didn't - I never wanted to do anything Nessie didn't like. I squeezed her softly and she arched, pressing herself harder into me, making me groan.

I think the sound . . . vibrated Nessie in my mouth, because then she groaned too.

My hand finally made its way to her thigh. When Nessie seemed to be comfortable with this, I slid it up a little more, until it was flat against the front of her hip. To the side, just over her hipbone that I could barely feel through her clothes.

Nessie's hips bucked up towards my hand. Oh, God. I was so close.

But I would ask before this, no matter what - no matter how much Nessie's body seemed to want it. I would have to know for sure, before I touched Nessie there. On the most intimate part of her body. I would die if I made her feel violated in any way.

I released her nipple from my mouth and pushed myself up to face her, lifing my body off of her - this wouldn't work otherwise. I ran my fingers over the small rise of her hipbone and brushed our lips together gently. Swallowed the nervousness and fear and insecurity and unbelievable lust in my throat.

"Can I . . . can I touch you, Nessie?"

Nessie's eyes darkened and widened, her scent getting stronger.

Then she nodded. Fuck. I kissed her, gently.

"You'll have to . . . help me." Because I really don't know what I'm doing, baby. I rubbed her hip again gently. "Tell me what feels good. Let me know if I hurt you."

Nessie nodded, and so I kissed her again. Slow but hot kisses that weren't exactly helping me with my situation, but this wasn't about me right now. It was about Nessie.

Then, very slowly, I slid my hand over to touch the space in the very center of Nessie's hips, not quite between her legs. I knew that wasn't quite right, that I had to go down between her legs more but when I brushed my fingers down just the smallest bit - Nessie - well, I can't even explain what Nessie did.

She gasped loudly and bucked into my hand, her scent surging between us.

I pulled back from her mouth, needing to be sure. "Is that . . . okay?"

I tried brushing my fingers down a little more.

"Yes, yes." She was glorious - panting with lustful eyes, her hair around her like a halo, her fingers fisted tight in my hair. "Just - back up . . . a little, Jacob - please."

I obeyed her - of course I did - trying to ignore my own pounding lust as I brushed my fingers back up another inch. Nessie sucked in a breath and lifted her head up to kiss me, but I pulled back after only one. I had to know what I was doing right - or wrong. "Like this?"

"Just like that." She was so beautiful in her pleasure, her head collapsing back onto the pillow. "Harder."

"Harder?" I wasn't sure I'd heard her right.

"Yes." Yes. "Kiss me, Jacob."

It was half-command, half-plea - and I obeyed, in both ways. I pressed my lips back to hers at the same time I applied more pressure with my first two fingers.

Then Nessie's scent . . . rushed. I felt warmth, something I didn't feel often, and then . . . dampness. Moisture. I could _feel_ Nessie's wetness, even through her clothes. That thought did things to me.

Nessie's lips started moving frantically, her tiny tongue searching my mouth with a desperation I'd hadn't felt from her before. She rolled her hips consistently against my fingers, and in a few short seconds, we had a rhythm.

Nessie pulled me down against her, until our chests were pressed together, her nipples hard enough for me to feel through both of our shirts. Thank God I had mine on - thank God I was wearing jeans. Thank God I'd had enough sense for that.

Thank God for Nessie.

After a few minutes, Nessie pulled her lips away from mine. I was about to ask her what was wrong, but she just laid back and watched me, rolling her hips into me with each swirl of my fingers. Her pajama pants were almost slick against my fingers now - I was holding onto the wolf by a few threads - and I couldn't believe that was even possible.

I swirled my finger over a small nub-type thing that seemed to be the source of most of the pleasure - it's what got the most reaction from Nessie anyway - and Nessie's eyes fluttered, like they were going to roll back in her head.

"Jake." She was so unbelievably sexy right now. Her eyes were dark with lust, but wide with innocence at the same time. "I - I don't know what's - "

"What?" Did she want me to stop? "What is it, honey?"

Tell me, baby. I'll take care of you, I promise.

"I don't know what's - " I pulled my thumbnail across that place and Nessie paused, gasping, for a second. " - what's happening. I'm so - I'm - "

Close. Yes.

"Just go with it, Ness." Please, baby. I want to do this for you so bad. "Do what comes natural. Guide me."

"Faster, please."

Of course. I sped up my movements - dipping my head to taste at Nessie's neck since she didn't seem to want to kiss right now. Poor thing - it was probably sensory overload. I was so glad I could do that for her.

Nessie's fingers were in my hair, but her thumb slipped down to the skin on the side of my face and I caught a flash of a desire, a wish. Nessie wanted my mouth back on her breasts - she was remembering how it felt and she wanted to feel it again.

So of course I complied.

After a few more seconds, Nessie started gasping, the thrusts of her hips coming closer together and more insistently. I knew it, Nessie was close - she was so close - and I had to get her there. I had to.

"Jac-ob!"

Fuck, yes. God, yes. Nothing had ever sounded so good. I wanted Nessie to know why I was doing this, that it wasn't because of my lust and my needs, but all for her. I needed her - she was my life and my light and my air. I felt my love for her swell up inside me and spill over.

I pulled my lips from her nipple, my teeth accidentally scraping past it as I did so.

"I love you so fucking much, Nessie."

Nessie gasped, her eyes widening and her body taking a frantic pace under mine and she clutched me against her. This was it - this was it, I had done it. I had gotten Nessie here, pushed her over the edge in the best possible way.

I had never felt stronger triumph.

* * *

**Coming up:**

I remembered Nessie's scent, how it had sunk into ever fibre of my being, her lust and want and how it was such a part of me now it felt like I'd never not smell it. I remembered her moaning my name in pleasure, whining in that sexy way she did. writhing under me like she had.

How she'd cursed, her back coming off the bed, my name on her lips.

"Fuck, Jacob - please - "

That was it; I was done.

I came crashing over, my muscles seizing up and my toes fucking curling, gasping that girl's name.

"Nessie - _fuck_, Nessie . . . "


	39. Fuck is Right

_**A/N:** _Alrighty-roo, you guys, I've got a couple of things I want to say and I'm going to hurry and say them before I forget because I'm sleepy and I'm sick. First - when writing_ Undeniable_, the chapters tend to end up way, way longer than the ones in _HoM_. I try my best to eliminate the unnecessary, but since there really wasn't that much unnecessariness in _HoM_, when you add that with Jake's extra stuff, it ends up much longer. Does that bother you guys? I think the reason it bothers me is because I consider _Hands on Me_ the original, but I'm trying to let it not bother me so much - I'd love to hear what you guys think.

The second thing is that voting has started for** _The Sparkle Awards_**! Hands on Me was nominated once again, for The Paris Award (Best Jacob/Anyone Tale) this time, so please, please go forth and vote! Also, my friend and fellow author, the lovely **Charlotte Webber** has been nominated for Best Author, along with her fic (which I'm sure most of you know) _Life Sucks and Then You Live Forever_, for Most Original Plot. Needless to say, she deserves it - you only have to read a few chapters of her awesome stories to see that - so vote for her too! You can vote once a day and it's a really great way to show appreciation for your favorite fics - let's bring J/N to popularity, girls!

Here's the link: **_thesparkleawards(dot)webs(dot)com_**

_**Disclaimer: **_I don't own the plot, the characters, or the lyrics. Although I have been waiting for forever to have the opportunity to use these particular ones - very wolfy, don't you think? Oh, but I do own the chapter title - I love those. :)

**

* * *

**

Fuck is Right

**

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**

_i can make your heart slow  
i can feel the weather in my bones_

_- fall out boy, tiffany blews_

-

I will never forget the look on Nessie's face, the indescribably beautiful, wild, tender, sexy expression on her face as she felt _that_ pleasure for the first time. I was so, so happy that I was the one to give that to her.

Nessie arched high off of the bed and her body rushed again, this time with release - I knew that much without knowing much - and my already wet fingers almost slipped but they didn't. I kept up the rhythm, the pressure - I knew how it sucked to lose it in the middle, when you were just starting to fall over that edge.

"Fuck." I'd never heard Nessie's sweet mouth say that word like that before, _never_. "Fuck, Jacob - please - "

Then Nessie's hand shot down between our bodies, her tiny fingers wrapping around mine, and urging me to press harder. Showing me how to touch her - and by extension, touching herself. I nearly lost it, fell over the edge myself, with my fingers against her like this, my hips aching to have at least the soft mattress to press against instead of just air.

But I fought myself for control and won - I wouldn't miss a second of this. Nessie's first orgasm. If I lived long enough and Nessie was willing, I'd give her a thousand more - but this was the first.

I found myself talking, urging, soothing. I don't know if Nessie took any of it in, but I couldn't keep the words in.

"That's right, baby, just let go. I'm right here, come on, Nessie honey. Yes."

Slowly, Nessie came down, and I got to see all of it. The thrusts of her hips grew weaker and further apart, her whines less and quieter, her breathing slowing. Her heartbeat decreased, slowly. My girl.

Her eyes shut for the briefest second and when they reopened, they focused on me. Nessie whimpered and pulled my fingers from between her legs - she must be sensitive. I should have thought of that - I always was too, after . . . that. She slid my hand up, up her stomach and to her chest, until my palm was resting between her breasts, against her still-racing heart. I felt her chest rising and falling under my hand - I felt like I could almost see the air rushing in and out of her perfect pink lips as she panted. I felt like I could feel, hear, see and smell everything.

"I - "

I could tell, by Nessie's expression, that she was still confused, that she didn't know what to say. So I saved her the embarrassment by leaning in for a kiss. I needed it anyway - I needed to feel her lips, soft and gentle against mine. But not more than that - my body was already screaming at me to take more.

"Do you feel . . . better?" Please tell me yes.

Nessie's eyes widened even more, showing her innocence plainly, as she nodded. My girl.

"I - thank you, Jacob." Her tongue reached out to dart across her beautiful lips. "I love you so much too."

I guess Nessie only said bad words when she was . . . under the influence. Of me. That thought turned me on to no end.

Nessie's small hand reached up and pulled my head down for another kiss, her lips missing the urgency they had carried the past month. Frustration gone. But for me - well, I was trying my damnedest not to strip her naked right now.

I braced my hands on either side of her, pulling myself up even more, so absolutely no part of my body except my lips touched hers. I didn't think I could take it.

Then Nessie's hands started feeling their way across my shoulders, down my arms. Her touch was so good, so soothing, and it was so hard to hold myself stiff to it - not to melt into her softness. No - I would be a rock. I wouldn't give into my desires. I wouldn't.

Nessie pulled back and gave me the smallest smile.

"That was so amazing, Jake." I couldn't help but smile back in pure happiness. Amazing - and I had done that for her. "I - I never - I can't even - "

"My pleasure, Ness," I cut her off, kissing the corner of her delicious lips. Then I slid mine back further, until they were against her ear. "It was so amazing to watch. That's another thing I definitely want to see again."

I pulled back in time to see her cheeks flushing a beautiful pink.

"I want to do that for you." Oh, shit. No, Nessie honey, please don't - she slid her hand down between our bodies, her amazing fingers stroking my stomach. "Would you show me how, Jake?"

The wolf was snarling around with Jake inside of me. I could let her touch me through my clothes, like I had done with her - right about now, it would be more than enough. The second I felt her fingers on me I would -

"No, Nessie." I had to let the Alpha out - it was the only way I knew she would obey. She did, her hand falling back onto her own stomach, her eyes . . . sad. I couldn't stand it, so I added, "Not tonight."

I mean, Nessie had agreed to marry me and so that meant one day - one day, we would . . . be together, like that. So it wasn't a lie.

I watched her pull that bottom lip between her teeth, her eyes wide. The scent of . . . sex all over her. "W-when?"

"Nessie, you already make me feel so good," I explained into her soft cheek, then kissed it. She had to get it - I didn't want her to feel obligated to reciprocate. "And I know how to - handle my . . . frustrations."

An empty shower and a mental picture of you.

"I want to learn how to do it for you." Damn, Nessie. She blushed like hell, but she still said it. "One day. Not now, if you don't want, but one day. Will you show me?"

I wanted to start off by assuring her very clearly that it wasn't that I didn't want, but I knew Nessie would twist that. She would play me again and sure as I was born, five minutes from now, I'd be lying on my back with my pants down. And I wouldn't.

This girl was just too perfect - who had girlfriends or wives or soul mates or what the fuck ever, who were begging to please them? Didn't guys usually complain about the very opposite? Was there any guy in the world who had a girl as delicious as Nessie under him, begging to touch him, and said no?

I opened my eyes, not even realizing I had closed them, and forced out, "Maybe one day, Ness."

Nessie's eyes brightened and I knew I had said the right thing. I kissed her soft lips one more time, knowing it was all my poor body could take, before I rolled off of her.

Nessie rolled after me and sidled into my side, pressing her soft curves right up against me. The scent of her release was everywhere, all fucking over her - it was still on my fingers, for Christ's sake - and it was slowly working me over. I needed release too - or at least that's what the wolf was screaming. Jake argued he could wait it out, anything for her - the wolf shouted back that Nessie wanted it too. That she was more than willing.

Take her, now.

No.

"Ness - " I warned her. "I don't think I - "

Because Nessie was my soul mate, she leaned back at the exact right time - just enough for me to get enough fresh air into my system to let Jake take over the reins. She reached up and pressed her fingertips into my cheek, gently. Her eyes were gonna kill me.

"Jacob, let me help you."

"No," I said firmly, while I still had the strength to say it.

"Then - well, then - " Nessie's cheeks flushed pink, and then she stretched up to press her soft lips to my ear. "Then go take a shower."

W-what?

"Nessie - "

"I don't care," she whispered urgently. "I really don't, Jacob. I want to be close to you right now and I don't want it to be hard for you."

I felt my face actually fucking go red. If Nessie only knew how hard it was for me right now, in both senses of the word.

Besides that, what was this girl asking me to do?

"I can't just get up and go in there and - and leave you, sitting here and _knowing_ - " That I'm getting myself off to the sound of your moans and the feel of your nipples in my mouth, the sight of your face when your back arched - "I'll - I'll just go take a cold shower, calm myself down. I'll be right back."

That was completely my new plan, but Nessie caught my arm as I got up.

"No. It's not going to calm you down good enough, Jake, and you know it." She was right about that - the second I laid eyes on her again, I'd probably be instantly hard. But just maybe not so _painfully_ hard . . . "I - I want you to feel how I feel."

Damn it. I - she had won me over, not that I fought against it that hard. I needed the release, and if Nessie wanted me relaxed too, then it was just too easy to cave. I barely nodded. I still wasn't proud of myself - I should be stronger, the strongest. But Nessie wouldn't let me go when I tried to get up again - again, I felt her lips against my ear.

"What are you going to think about?"

Really? Part of me was amazing and impressed that she'd even asked, but the other part was hung up on why she had to ask at all. Wasn't it clear?

"You. Just now." I had nearly force it out, but Nessie's eyes just darkened the smallest bit and she let go of my arm. I leaned down and kissed her one more time. "I'll be right back."

I dug through my bag and pulled out sweatpants and a white t-shirt, since I hopefully wouldn't need as much protection against Nessie's sexiness after . . . well. I went into the bathroom and pushed the door to. I still couldn't allow myself to shut it, but there was no way in hell I could leave it open. Not now.

I turned on the shower as hot as it would go and stripped down, snatching the tie out of my hair and shaking it out. I didn't even think about soap or shampoo or anything, I didn't even need it right now - I probably wouldn't last two minutes.

I was surprised to feel myself fist the shower wall for a few seconds, try to calm down. I wanted to get back out to Nessie, hell I did, but I wanted this to last too. I was still painfully hard. Finally, after a few seconds, I slid my hand down.

I hissed at the sensation, forcing myself not to give into it how I wanted. I wanted to grip myself hard, grit my teeth and fucking pump myself hard as shit until I just exploded - but I didn't. I tried to touch myself how I imagined Nessie would do it - she'd be hesitant, shy. Her touches would be gentle and soft.

I closed my eyes, stuck my head under the spray and imagined. Imagined myself with her in a thousand different ways. I imagined her bare, completely naked under me and I imagined kissing my way down her stomach. Dipping my head between her thighs to lap at the space between her legs . . . fuck. She'd taste so sweet, I knew it. I should have tasted her on my fingers when I'd had the chance, but I didn't want to freak Nessie out and now the water had washed all traces of her amazing wetness away.

The Nessie in my head would thrash under my mouth and tongue like she had tonight, only stronger, harder. Her body would buck and she'd beg in words that made no sense - come undone under my hands. Under my mouth.

Despite myself, my grip tightened.

I imagined taking her, making love to her. On top of her on the bed just outside the door - I could almost hear her moans ringing in my ears, the sound our skin would make as it came together, again and again. Yes.

From behind in my bedroom, leaned over my dresser or across my bed, her body unbelievably tight around mine. Or on her hands and knees, after we'd gotten the hang of things, animalistic and hot as hell, me getting the perfect view of her ass with every thrust.

Or like in my other fantasy, back home in the woods by First Beach. Her on top of me, her glorious body all I could see as I laid back and stared up at her, my body nestled deep inside hers. Then she would start to move, rocking her hips, one tiny hand braced on my chest. Her breasts would shake in time with her movements - I'd grip her hips tight and guide her over me.

Or in the shower, just like I was now. Her legs tight around my waist, her back against the shower wall, the water all around us. Her soft voice, moaning my name.

"Jake - God, Jake," the Nessie in my head whispered.

I groaned her name back, out loud, in real life. I sped up my pace - it was unbelievable how good this was. Better than all the other times. The only way it could possibly be better than this was if Nessie was here with me now.

Here with me now - oh, fuck.

I continued to stroke myself and imagine if Nessie was here with me now. If it was her. Her hands, tiny and soft, stroking me, her stunning eyes locked on mine. Naked, her breasts round and full, her nipples hard as the water rushed over them.

I broke my pace, gripping myself hard and pumping fast.

I remembered Nessie's scent, how it had sunk into every fiber of my being, her lust and want and how it was such a part of me now that it felt like I'd never not smell it. I remembered her moaning my name in pleasure, whining in that sexy way she did. Writhing under me like she had.

How she'd cursed, her back coming off the bed, my name on her lips.

"Fuck, Jacob - please - "

That was it; I was done.

I came crashing over, my muscles seizing up and my toes fucking curling, gasping that girl's name.

"Nessie - _fuck_, Nessie . . . "

It took me a long time to come down, for my brain to reattach to reality, for my muscles to relax. Damn, the things that girl could do to me, even when she wasn't there. I was fucking _shaking_.

I took a few minutes to calm down, rinse myself off. I took even longer to towel off and get dressed; I didn't know how I was supposed to go out there and face Nessie. I mean, just walk out there and get in bed next to her when she _knew_ what I'd just done.

I stepped out of the bathroom finally, nervous as hell, to see Nessie already burrowed under the covers, looking comfortable. I smiled when her eyes met mine, trying not to let my guilt show, and she smiled back. Then she lifted the covers to reveal her laying in the bed in my Rolling Stones t-shirt that she'd picked out, and patted the mattress beside her.

If I hadn't just had, hands down, the most powerful orgasm of my life, I'd have been hard again.

But I had, so thankfully I was good, and I slid in to lay beside her. I wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her against my body, so happy to recognize that I could. I still wanted her, of course, but the overwhelming urge to claim her was gone. For now.

Now, we could just be.

I kissed her forehead, her eyelids. Her body was soft against mine like it always was, but now it was relaxed too. No tension, no frustration. Just love.

"Feel better?" I asked.

She closed her eyes for a second and snuggled closer. "Mmm."

She was amazing like this - it was a new kind of intimate. We were closer than we had been before, and I think Nessie felt it too. I could still smell the aftermath of her release, but it wasn't driving me wild - it was nice, good. It was all so good.

"You're so beautiful," I couldn't help but tell her. Nessie smiled.

"You keep telling me that," she teased. "It's getting repetitive."

I just smiled back - I knew it wasn't the time to turn this into a game, or a tickle fight, or any of that. So I just reached down and tugged at the front of her shirt.

"Nice."

"My other clothes got . . . uncomfortable." Her cheeks turned that wonderful warm pink color. "They'll have to be washed."

"We've only got a few more days," I reminded her, leaning down and pressing my face into her soft neck. I inhaled her scent deep. "Can you wear my shirts until then?"

"I guess I'll survive." I felt her smile, her cheek brushing mine.

I pulled back and just looked at her. This girl, this woman, was mine. She was going to be my wife one day. She was willing, more than willing, to let me be her husband - the only one to see her body, or touch it - the only one to kiss her lips. Ever again. She _wanted_ me to be that for her.

I couldn't help but smile. Nessie smiled back - a small, quiet intimate smile that felt like it was only meant for me. Even if there had been a thousand other people in the room.

"I - I can't wait to marry you," I blurted, not even caring at that point. Nessie smiled again and strained up for another soft kiss. When she had got it, she settled back into my side.

"Me either, my Jacob." I felt Nessie's thigh reach up to lie over my hip, but then she checked herself. "Is this okay?"

I chuckled at her, reaching back and catching her around her hips, one of my hands covering half of her ass easily to pull her body against me. I slid my hand down her thigh, situating it over my hip in the most delicious way. And yet still, my body kept control.

"This is more than okay, honey," I whispered, threading my fingers through her hair to take a few kisses. "Don't you worry."

"Thank you so much for your help, Jacob," she murmured into my lips, and I felt her face heat. I resisted the urge to smile, for two reasons. "This is so much better, and - and before . . . "

I pulled back to look at her. "Before?"

"Was amazing," she finished bravely, not taking her gaze off mine. "I didn't know my body could feel like that."

Weren't those words a guy's dream?

"Well, it can." I kissed just beside her ear, and then her lips. "Anytime you . . . want to feel like that again, you just let me know."

Nessie just flushed pink and buried her face in my chest. I turned my attention to the TV and I thought Ness was watching with me until I looked down to see her eyes closed. I switched off the TV, turned over more so I could cradle her in my arms better, and slept.

When I woke up that morning, there was this freaky coincidental moment where Nessie's eyes fluttered open like three seconds after mine did. I was surprised to see her frown.

"How come you always wake up before me?"

I bit back a grin and waggled my eyebrows at her instead. "It's my wolfishness."

"Sure it is." She flashed me a great smile and crawled off of the bed, straddling me to get off of my side rather than just rolling off of hers. I had to resist the urge to smack her ass - it was an urge I'd been resisting a lot lately. She paused while she was still over me. "I'm going to take a shower - I'm starving."

I did a mental victory air punch - I'd made my Ness work up an appetite. Was I good or what?

Nessie popped her head back out of the bathroom door after she'd already shut it, and called my name. I looked up.

"Hm?"

She smiled, suddenly looking shy. "I love you."

I said "I love you too, baby" but she'd already clicked the door back shut again. I collapsed back on the pillows and soaked in how fucking awesome everything was. Damn.

After that, our lives got tons simpler. We kissed, we went out, we ate, we slept. Alice kept calling and giving us two days and we kept moving, and it was simple. I tried not to think about the bloodsuckers, focus solely on Ness, and it wasn't that hard. She consumed my life and I loved every second.

No stranger to the . . . release, my frustration came back pretty quick. As in, the next day pretty quick, but I was used to dealing with it. For Nessie, it took a little longer. A week, to be exact.

A week in which her body would slowly tense more and more, until finally . . . one night. We were kissing, our nightly sessions having slowly grown hotter and hotter every night since, until Nessie was panting and writhing against me again. Just like before.

My stomach twisted in anticipation - I'd been waiting for this. I pulled Nessie's beautiful bottom lip into my mouth, sucking gently, and then slid my hand up to rest against her hip.

We still had half a pizza left, which was good, because I would make sure my girl was hungry after I was done with her.

Nessie's heartbeat accelerated as I brushed my thumb over her hipbone again.

"Can I help you again, Nessie?" I asked, releasing her lip from my mouth, running my tongue over it one last time. "Do you want me to make you feel good?"

"Oh," she gasped into my mouth, her hands scrambling along my back, her hips pushing up into my stomach. "Oh, yes, Jacob - _please_."

Yes.

I braced myself and shifted my body weight, sliding my hand down between her legs. I knew what to look for this time, and I found it fast.

"Jacob!" Her voice was quiet, but the inflection was there. Nessie gripped her fingers in my hair and focused her gorgeous eyes on my mouth. "Jacob, your - mouth . . . "

I pressed my fingers into her a little harder and smelled her desire increase - I didn't think it would be long before I could feel it through her clothes. I knew what she wanted, but . . . but this time I wanted to hear it.

"Do you want my mouth on you, Nessie?" I asked her roughly, careful not to let the dominance that was surging through me make it through to my fingers. I would never touch Nessie there roughly, risk hurting her. Never.

Nessie whined and clutched my hair harder.

"Yes." Fuck, yes. I wanted to make her curse again. "Yes, Jacob - your mouth . . . on me - yes. Please."

I obeyed her, dipping my head down to pull her nipple past my lips, impossibly hard once again. I rubbed her a little more firmly and bit back a growl when I felt it - the wetness.

This time was just as amazing as the first time, and when Nessie finally relaxed in my arms, her shudders and moans fading off (yes, I got another 'fuck'), she pressed her hand to my cheek and projected her calm and her happiness and her love.

Then she whispered, "Don't take too long in the shower, Jacob. I'll miss you."

And kissed my throat.

Damn it, I couldn't wait to marry this girl.

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**Coming up:**

"But I want you to," I pressed, smiling down at her and using my body against the back of hers to make her take a few steps closer to the artist. "Come on, Ness, for me?"

She sighed and I knew I was close to winning. Nessie turned in my arms and put her tiny hands on my chest.

"Only if you buy me another churro."

I thought about watching Nessie eating her churro earlier, how she licked the sugar from her fingers. She liked them more than I had expected, and I gladly gave her the rest of mine just to watch her eat it.


	40. There it Goes

**_A/N:_** Hello all, here's this. It's long as hell, to put it simply. But I had a specific place/way/line that I wanted to end on so I had to reach that point, so I really hope you like how the first lines tie in to the last ones. Oh, and the lyrics of course - I had no idea what I would use and then today I stumbled across these - fate?

Oh, and I have no idea how I forgot to mention this last time - blame it on sleep deprivation, but . . . _The Sweetest Girl_ won Most Unique Storyline in the** Sort of Beautiful Challenge**! Crazy right? I want to go ahead and thank everyone who voted for me in the overall poll, even though I didn't win - the fact that anyone took the time to vote at all is enough.

Oh, and don't forget to keep voting for _Hands on Me_ in **The Sparkle Awards** - you can find the link in the previous chapter. And you can vote everyday, just don't get too crazy! :D

**_Disclaimer:_** None of it's mine, but Youtube this song - it's genius. Youtube Bang Bang by Nancy Sinatra too, for no reason relevant to this story . . . it's just awesome. :)

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There it Goes

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_born under a bad sign  
been down since i began to crawl  
if it wasn't for bad luck  
i wouldn't have no luck at all_

_- albert king, born under a bad sign_

_-_

How did I even get here? In this amazing, perfect, mind-blowing situation? How? I added up all the pieces and figured up all the math, counted all my chickens and I still can't figure it out.

My life was as heavenly as heaven could get when on the run for your life, and it just didn't seem right. Something had to give. No one could be this happy all the time.

These past weeks had been fucking wonderful, a kind of wonderful that took the lame-ass wonderful from before to a whole new plane. The tension, the great and yet unendingly frustrating sexual tension had mostly dissipated. It was still there, of course, but now we could manage it - now it wasn't everything.

I know all guys are supposed to think of is sex, and honestly I did think about it a fucking lot, but I wanted to do other stuff too. It was great to be able to get into the hotel after a long day of driving and instead of pouncing each other and making out until we were both aggravated and frustrated and Nessie was crying, we'd go out. I mean, we'd still make out for a little, but then Nessie would roll off of me and change her clothes or fix her hair, and then we'd get back in the car and go somewhere.

It was a pleasure I hadn't experienced too much of in the early weeks where we'd kept ourselves holed in the hotel, to walk down the street with Nessie's hand in mine. My arm around her shoulder. Unfortunately, our height difference made it almost impossible for us to walk with my arm around her waist, but I wished we could. That would've been awesome.

We went out to eat more, in restaurants instead of eating in the hotel, and I was beginning to enjoy the jealous stares from guys. As long as it was jealousy in my direction and not lust in Nessie's - then I was gonna kick some ass. Anyway, Nessie seemed to like being out too - she never really got to be teenager, and do teenager things, and now - now, I mean, we were engaged. She'd lost a lot of experiences. Sometimes I was worried we were rushing too much for Nessie, but I wasn't selfless enough to mention it in case she agreed. Even though I'd understand her reasons, it would kill me if Nessie decided she didn't want to marry me anymore.

It was fun to watch Nessie get the chance to be a teenager - but with the kid-excitement of doing new things for the first time. She was getting more and more comfortable in large groups of people - after the initial Wal-Mart excitement, she had kind of withdrawn in public, become more shy. Especially after the disaster that was our first date, but now she was breaking out of that. If we were out and she saw something she wanted to check out, she'd just slide out from under my arm and grab my hand so she could drag me towards what she wanted to see. She'd interact with the store employees and ask questions, and it was nice to kind of watch her come into her own. I'd never really seen her interact with too many people outside her family or the pack.

I realized then that she shined in whatever she did, that she took brightness wherever she went - not just for me, but for other people too. She really was something else.

We went to malls where we never really bought anything and I tried to investigate jewelry displays from the corner of my eye without Nessie noticing. I had no idea what kind of ring to get her - I knew she wouldn't want anything big and expensive, but there was no way I could get her something cheap - I wish I'd had something sentimental to give her since I knew she'd like that. Maybe my mother's ring, that would've been perfect, but . . . but it had been lost in the crash.

We saw another movie, but didn't watch much of it. I swear I hadn't planned it - it was just my luck we decided to go at four on a Tuesday. The theater was literally empty except for us - and well . . . we put it to good use. I will admit that sitting us at the back was my doing - Quil had a cousin who worked at the theater in P.A. back when we were in school, and I remember him telling us about how they would sit up in the projector room to watch the movie, but would end up spying on the people making out. Except for the back two rows, of course, which they couldn't see.

Nessie was the one who initiated it, though. Oh, and did you know that the arm rests between the chairs in theaters lift up nowadays?

We didn't do anything more than a little light making out, but it was still fun as hell. I'd missed out on some teenage experiences too, I guess. Between all the Bella shit and the werewolf shit and all the other shit, I hadn't had time to make out in theater. It was beyond awesome that Nessie was the one I did it with.

My favorite, though, was the boardwalk. Nessie had mentioned something about going to the beach once, but the plan ended up getting cancelled. I mumbled something to her about having to get a bathing suit, my head already freaking out at the sheer amount of eyes I would have to pluck out if Nessie went out in a bathing suit, but then Nessie turned pink and shook her head.

"Never mind, no bathing suit. " She flitted her eyes up to mine. "Unless we can go somewhere where there's no people . . . maybe at night?"

I hated to shut her down, but I also didn't hesitate to.

"No, Ness." No way. No way in hell. "I'm not going anywhere deserted at night - I'm sorry, honey. It's not safe."

She just bit her lip and nodded in agreement, which was great . . . but she looked sad. I never wanted my Ness to be sad. I got an idea.

Which was how we ended up on the boardwalk.

I think it was a pretty good compromise - it was night, which I think was more date-y or something for Nessie, and there was beach - just below us. But there were tons of people everywhere - I wasn't afraid to make a scene if I had to, but I knew the vamps were, especially the damn Volturi, so crowds were good.

There were dancers and painters and those people who pretend to be statues until you get close and then they start at you and scare the shit out of you. I watched as Nessie approached one, waiting for her to look at me with confusion, but the look never came. I stepped close behind her, making sure she was okay, but Nessie was only looking at the guy like he was a normal statue. I mean, yeah, he was covered in paint, but didn't she smell the scent of pure human coming off of him?

Apparently not, because when he started at her, she gasped and leaped back into my arms. I had to bite back a growl and a few curse words, reminding myself that I'd let her lead herself into it, that I wanted to see what she'd do. But I didn't want anyone scaring my Ness.

I gave Ness a bunch of ones to tip the dancers and performers she liked best. There were people making jewelry and playing music and making all kind of art. Nessie giggled at the guy drawing caricature portraits, and I wondered for a second how he'd even draw Nessie funny-looking; it just wasn't possible. But she didn't seem overly-interested in any of them, not more than average - until we got to the man doing charcoal sketches.

She stopped, one of her hands reaching up to play along her lips like she did when she was thinking, the other held out to skim a sketch of a little boy. Then she smiled, just a little, and tilted her head.

For me, it was sign enough.

I walked up behind her and wrapped her in my arms. Nessie slid her hands up to catch mine and tilted her head back to look up at me. Her hair brushed along my arm.

"Do you want him to draw you?" I asked, to which Nessie's eyes widened. She shook her head furiously.

"No, Jacob, I was just looking." Her cheeks flushed pink and I wanted to kiss her. They guy wouldn't even be able to draw her right anyway, but . . . "I don't want to . . . "

"But I want you to," I pressed, smiling down at her and using my body against the back of hers to make her take a few steps closer to the artist. "Come on, Ness, for me?"

She sighed and I knew I was close to winning. Nessie turned in my arms and put her tiny hands on my chest.

"Only if you buy me another churro."

I thought about watching Nessie eating her churro earlier, how she licked the sugar from her fingers. She liked them more than I had expected, and I gladly gave her the rest of mine just to watch her eat it.

"Done."

I grinned in triumph and guided Nessie easily back to the stool the guy had set up.

"Are you free?"

The guy perked up, turning around on his stool and wiping his hands on his already dirty jeans. He was an older guy, with charcoal smudges on on his face and nice eyes.

"Of course, of course, have the lovely lady sit down." Nessie lowered herself onto the stool shyly, shooting me a look from under her lashes that told me she wasn't ecstatic about this. The guy smiled at Nessie and then looked at me. "But - I can't draw her. She's too beautiful."

I knew it was just an old guy being nice, probably something he said all the time, but it pissed me off all the same. Nessie's hand on my arm was the only thing that calmed me down.

"Why don't you try?" There. That was half-nice.

The guy just smiled like he didn't notice I was about to jump him and looked back at Nessie.

"Are you ready, ma'am?"

"Wait." I expected Nessie to start fixing her hair or something, but she reached out and caught my arm, her eyes shining. She looked at the artist. "Can you do us together?"

The guy nodded. "Sure I can."

Nessie pulled on my arm, using it to pull herself up. She widened her eyes at me and I knew it was over. I would be getting drawn too.

"Do it with me, Jake?"

"Come on, Nessie." I knew protesting wouldn't do any good against the power Nessie had over me, but I could try. "If I'm in it, I'll just mess it up."

"I'll give you two a minute to decide." I looked over to see the guy start messing with his pencils and arranging stuff.

"You won't mess it up, Jake, you'll make it perfect." Nessie tugged on my arm again, trying to pull me down onto the stool. "Please, Jake? I only want to do it if you do it with me too."

I sighed and let her pull me onto the stool. She smiled brightly and then seemed to check herself for a moment. Then she crawled onto my lap. My hands went down to steady her, and I felt my eyes widen a little. We usually didn't do stuff like this in front of people. Nessie reached up and touched my cheek gently, sending me an emphatic _are you okay?_

I shook my head to clear it out and then nodded to let her know I was. Nessie smiled then and twisted in my arms so she was facing the artist. She reached down and gently grasped my arms, pulling them up to wrap around her waist, just under her breasts. She leaned back into my chest and announced, "We're ready."

I have to admit, the picture turned out awesome. Nessie, of course, was gorgeous and I was happy with how I looked beside her. The most recent picture of us together was back home in my room, the one hanging up next to my Mom's. I should've brought it with us.

We looked good together. Nessie smiled huge, her eyes shining when the guy handed her the sketch, rolled carefully and secured with a rubber band while I dug out the money to pay him. She reached up to touch my cheek and I saw the sketch of us, from her eyes, the sentiment clear. Beautiful.

I wished more than anything that we were alone so I could kiss her. When we got home, Nessie folded it carefully and stuck it in her bag. She told me that she was going to hang it up in her room when we got back home.

"Or," she added after that, straddling me on the bed and plucking the remote from my hand. Yes. "After . . . we're married, I would hang it in our room."

Our room. That sounded so fucking good.

I kissed her and we didn't resurface for a long time that night.

So yeah, shit was too good to be allowed. Shit like this didn't happen. Kids with huge, fucked up, horrible runs of luck like me just didn't have it all turn around suddenly. Guys who finally got their soul mate had to have some other horrible shit happening to even it out, didn't they? Or she shouldn't have been so perfect?

So perfect that she loved every single thing he loved, wanted every single thing he wanted, agreed and followed him on everything? So perfect that she accepted every messed up, stupid, retarded little detail about him?

So perfect that she liked to play stupid-ass games with him?

Well, Nessie had always liked to play our games. Our games that have gotten increasingly hotter and hotter as our relationship progressed. But this, this was the hottest of all.

I don't even know how we got here - I taught her how to blow a bubble and then one of us said something about payment for the lessons and now here we were. Discussing payment options.

Nessie's hand, soft and smooth and small, felt so good on my arm when she said, "Okay, well let me ask: this, for instance - what would it be worth?"

And then . . . then I saw us. Like in a movie, from a camera, Nessie's imagination or maybe, very possibly even mine. Nessie straddling my lap, her body looking fine as hell from an angle I never got to see it in, her lips feeling their way across my neck . . .

"Would it be worth less than this?"

The scene, the second picture in my mind, changed. Now I saw myself laying back on the bed of the hotel we were in last night, but doing something that definitely hadn't happened there. I watched, like a third party, as Nessie hovered over me on her hands and knees, dipping her head down to kiss my chest.

I gripped the steering wheel tighter and tried not to imagine how that would feel. So good, so hot, to have Nessie's mouth on me like that. These weren't like the kisses the morning Nessie had her little freak out about me aging; these were hot, open-mouthed, lust-filled kisses - I watched with a tight stomach as Nessie's ass rose higher in the air the lower she went down, until her lips were kissing just above my naval.

Then it disappeared.

"Jake?"

"I, uh . . . I don't know." I barely remembered our game, how this all started. What we were even playing. I just wanted to see more. I looked at Nessie quickly and saw that her eyes were dark, which was all that I needed to see. "Any other payment options?"

"I don't know." I chanced another look to see Nessie's beautiful lips parted into the biggest smile. "Let me see. How about this?"

Oh, yes.

The connection opened again and I saw myself lying on my stomach. I looked so fucking _big_ next to Nessie's tiny body as she straddled my hips, leaning forward and kneading her fingers into my sides and massaging the muscles there, her soft lips kissing across my shoulders. Dark too, I looked so dark next to her perfect, soft white skin.

God, that would feel so good.

"Or this?"

The picture changed. We were still on a bed, but I was on top this time. I laid half on Nessie, half on my side, and watched as she took my hand and slid it slowly up her shirt. Slowly, until I was cupping her soft breast in my palm - then I felt Nessie's desire begin to filter in. I felt how that would feel for her, how that felt for her, when I touched her like that. So fucking good. It was strange, to feel sensations for things you have never experienced before. I had definitely never had breasts, but now I was feeling my own hand knead Nessie's, and I was definitely feeling how much she liked it.

I groaned and the image changed.

I saw myself holding Nessie against a wall, holding her arms up above her head. Submissive, under my power. Beautiful. I watched myself kiss Nessie passionately, press my thigh in between hers, helping to hold her against the wall. My imprint, mine.

Then it changed again, and I saw myself grab Nessie from behind, press my body up against hers. Nessie's fingers funneled themselves into my hair while I kissed along her soft neck. That was definitely something we had to do again sometime.

Then the hottest one yet: I saw Nessie straddling my hips, in the seat I was sitting in now, in this car, while she kissed me. Since I was a voyeur, watching myself with this beautiful woman, I was able to see her fingers unhook the button on her jeans. And then see my own hand slide back, down the back of my Nessie's jeans, until it had disappeared to the wrist into the just-tight-enough denim.

To try and pretend like I had never fucking thought about doing that would be a pure lie.

Then she had to go and let me feel it again, how she imagined it would be for her; my hand, hot - I hardly recognized it, it had been so long since I had felt heat - and huge against her soft, _soft_ skin. Or through a thin layer of cotton, where her panties separated us. Oh, shit.

How had I not crashed the car yet?

Then the imaged . . . flickered, and disappeared, another one bursting forth. I saw myself on my stomach on a bed with white sheets, sheets that were pulled across to cover the bare basics. I was apparently asleep, snoring or something, and Nessie . . .

Nessie was in the bed with me, the sheet covering her hips and legs, but her back . . . it was bare to my eyes. Naked. Nessie was naked in bed with me, her tiny white arm reached out to rest on my dark back. It was white and russet and - and a flash of gold. The gold of a ring on Nessie's forth finger, a wedding band.

I recognized the loss of the comfort of her touch before I realized the picture was gone. Nessie had dropped her hand from my arm, returning it to her lap. I don't think Nessie had meant for me to see the last image.

"Nessie."

I reached my hand out for her and she gave it to me, let me run my thumb over the back of her palm. I had nothing else to say - what could I? When someone shared something so intimate, so personal with you, what did you say?

"Sorry." No, Nessie. No, honey. "I didn't mean for you to see that last one."

I knew it. "That was my favorite one."

"Really?" How did she doubt it? I just nodded. "Even more than the car one?"

"It came in close second." If it had been any other time, I would have thought Nessie was teasing me about my obsession with her ass, but it was really a true question. "Did you . . . did you come up with all those things just now?"

Nessie just shook her head, her cheeks bright pink. My stomach tightened up at what that meant. Those hadn't been images Nessie had conjured up on the spot, just to please me. Those were . . .

"Those are . . . are things you think about?"

Nessie's face bordered red when she got darker, but she nodded. Hot damn. Those had been . . . Nessie's fantasies. Nessie had shared her fantasies with me. I never wished I shared Nessie's gift more than I did right now.

"I wish I could show you some of the things I think about." If not with a supernatural gift, then with my body.

Nessie pressed her hand back to my arm and I braced myself for more, for more tantalizing, tempting images, but all I saw was us as we were now. If it hadn't been for the fact that I was viewing us from a third-person stand point, I wouldn't have even notice that Nessie was sharing something with me. In the image, my hand reached down and flipped the turn signal as we approached an exit.

Nessie wanted to stop. Fuck. Fuck, I wanted to, but . . . but we hadn't drove much the past few days and had hardly driven two hours today and it - it wasn't safe. And Nessie's safety came before her wants - I had to remind myself that, even when it was hard as hell. I always wanted to find a way to do both.

"We really should keep going for awhile, Ness." It literally hurt to say the words. "I wanted to get another hour or two in before we stopped and got a hotel."

"Not a hotel." What? "We don't have to stop for the day. Just - just a place out of the way."

I couldn't help but stare at her. What was my sweet Ness saying? I asked her that very question.

"I'm saying that the tint's dark." She nodded to the windshield. "Normal people probably can't even see through it, and - and I need to kiss you."

Oh, God. Need. Nessie _needed _to kiss me. How could I deny her?

"You know you're not just going to want to kiss." And because she blushed and I didn't want her to think I was blaming her, I added, "I'm not either."

I'm going to have to touch you, feel you, have you on top of me or under me or _something_.

"So?" So? "Let's stop and you can tell me some of the things you think about. Or show me."

"In the car?"

There was an exit with a rest stop coming up in about five hundred yards, and we were approaching fast. I had to make a decision.

"Jacob," Nessie's voice said, her voice authoritative and the closest I'd ever heard to what I called my Alpha voice. "Flip the turn signal."

It was a command. I was Jacob Black, rebel, Alpha, grown damn man. I didn't _take _commands.

I flipped the signal. And swallowed my fucking gum.

"You have entirely too much power over me, Ness." And you're the only one who does. My stomach tightened up as we came up to the rest stop. "Entirely too much."

"Like you don't over me." It was good to hear her say it. "Just hurry the hell up and park."

Damn, Nessie. But I didn't say anything - I obeyed again, driving around back to where the people who wanted to sleep parked, parking as far away from other cars as I could manage. I could hear Nessie's heart thundering - I cut the engine and turned to look at her, unsure of what she wanted or what was going to happen. Nessie was on her knees in her chair, her eyes wide and dark, and she had never been more beautiful.

She asked me if the seat was all the way back and I nodded. She told me to lay it down and I did. The next second, Nessie was in my lap, straddling my hips. I lifted my hands up to hers and just waited. Nessie seemed like she wanted to be in charge right now - and I would let her.

"Are you gonna sit there, or are you gonna kiss me?"

I widened my eyes at her playfully and hers flashed. I lifted my hand up, massaging her waist. I knew she liked that.

"Yes, _ma'am_." And then I was kissing her.

I didn't realize how much I needed her kiss until I had it, until her hands were on my cheeks and and pushing me back onto the seat, kissing me hard and fast, hot as hell. I definitely liked my soft, more submissive Nessie better - I was an Alpha, I couldn't help my nature - but I definitely liked this too. Nessie, hot and bothered and in control, demanding and taking what she wanted from me.

I found my mouth telling her this. The thing was, I didn't shut up before I got to the submissive part. I didn't know much about relationships or anything, but I was pretty sure chicks didn't like that shit. Feminism and whatever - it wasn't like I was her master or anything, but still.

I wasn't sure how well this could possibly go over when Nessie pulled away from my lips and asked, "Almost as much as you like what?"

"Don't get mad." Because I'd never do anything that was bad for you, Nessie, I swear. I couldn't resist sliding my fingertips under the edge of her shirt. "I just - I just really like it when - when you - "

"Just say it, Jake." She kissed me again, before she let my mouth go. "I swear I won't mind."

I started to kiss down her neck so I wouldn't have to look her in the face when I told her, "I just really like it when you - I guess it's a wolf thing - but when you . . . submit to me."

I didn't stop kissing her, but was waiting in anticipation for when she would push me away. Nessie rolled her hips into mine.

"Submit?" I did another mental victory punch at the lack of anger in her voice.

"Mmhm." I reached my tongue out to taste her neck and she gasped. "I don't know if it's a guy thing or a wolf thing or an Alpha thing, but I just - I like it when you trust me enough to . . . to let me be in charge."

Nessie's scent . . . got stronger, and then she asked, "You like being in charge?"

I nodded into her neck, unable to lie to her. I liked it more than I could say.

"I like that you trust me to be." That was a lot of it - the submission, not about my power over her, but the fact that Nessie was giving it to me, was what made it hot. I kissed her mouth. "I know that's probably weird - "

"No." Yes. Nessie kissed me, pressing her bottom lip in between mine and giving my upper lip a soft lick with her tongue. "I - I like it. I like how it feels when you . . . take care of me."

"Yeah?" Yes.

"You're my Alpha too, you know." To hear Nessie say, out loud like that, such a thing was . . . unbelievable. Hands down, the hottest thing I'd ever heard. Her Alpha. "Not just the pack."

I kissed her again, hard and fast, claiming her lips since she had offered herself for me to claim, and didn't resurface for awhile. I explored Nessie's soft stomach from under her shirt, because I could, because I was her Alpha and she trusted me. The exclamation made everything, every kiss and every touch, so much hotter and much more intimate. Nessie was mine in a way she could be no one else's.

Finally, I gave in to my body and let myself begin to get hard. I knew when Nessie felt it because she bit my lip gently and sighed. My fingers reached the band of her bra a few seconds later and Nessie murmured into my lips, "Take it off."

"Are you sure?" I pulled out of our kiss to check Nessie's eyes and her lips tried to chase me. So beautiful. "Here, in the car?"

"Please."

That was it. I flicked her bra open easily now, since I had some more practice this past month. When Nessie tried to pull back to take it the rest of the way off, I wouldn't let her go.

"Let me do it," I requested, and she did.

It was surprisingly easy to do now, to slide my fingertips under the sleeves of Nessie's shirt to catch the silky straps of her bra. Easy to pull them out from under her sleeves so she could lift her arms out of them, and very easy to slide my hand up the front of her shirt to pull the bra loose, freeing her breasts. I threw it somewhere behind my head and brought my hands back to where they belonged, touching Nessie's body.

I rolled her nipple between my fingers, something I had never done before, and was pleased to hear her gasp. I remembered how Nessie had looked in her fantasy, the expressions on her face as my imaginary self brushed her nipple with my thumb. I had never watched Nessie's face really while I was touching her, always caught up with her lips and all the rest of it. Now I would see.

"Sit back," I ordered, but gently, and Nessie of course obeyed.

But her eyes were . . . shy, reluctant. "Are - are you going to take it off?"

Take it off? What, her - her shirt? Did Nessie think I was . . . going to, to strip her naked here in the car at a rest stop somewhere in the middle of goddamn California?

When I hadn't before, ever?

I had thought about it before, mulled over how far we should go, how much until we weren't waiting so much anymore as holding off the inevitable. The touching, really, the only reason I allowed myself to touch Nessie like I had was because she honestly needed the relief in order for us to be together.

I wanted to undress Nessie, to see her naked, her breasts and back and stomach and all of the rest of her, but I also knew it'd be a thousand times better, more satisfying if I waited. As Nessie's husband, it would mean I was the only one allowed to see her like that, and so I would wait until I was her husband to see her. It only made sense, it only seemed fair.

But for a few seconds, all I could do was kiss her.

"You don't know how much I want to, Ness," I managed finally. Nessie was panting against my mouth, her breath sweet. "But not right now. I - I want the first time I see you to be on our wedding night."

It sounded kind of girly out loud, but that's what it was. I was so, so surprised to smell Nessie's scent intensify. Then she kissed me, hard, for a few hot seconds. Ran her fingers up through my hair and snatched my hair tie out.

I decided it was about time I got back to the matter at hand, running my hand back up Nessie's torso, dragging her t-shirt with it to reveal her beautiful toned stomach.

"Now that you showed me how . . . _good_ it feels when I touch you, I just . . . kind of wanted to . . . watch your face." That sounded ridiculously pervy, but - but soul mates and like whatever I like and all the rest of it, right? So this was okay. "I was always kind of in a hurry to get back to your mouth before."

Nessie nodded, beckoning me forward, giving me my permission. I put one hand on her hip and slid my left up to cup her soft, supple breast. I was only touching Nessie for a few seconds before she fluttered her beautiful eyes closed. I wanted to ask her to open them again, so I could see them, my favorite part of her, but I knew she was probably self-concious. I was already staring her down like a perv.

Nessie gasped and tried to rub herself against my legs when I rolled her nipple in my fingers again, arching against the steering wheel hard. Her expressions were beautiful. I got an idea that I never would have been brave enough to pull off if I had Nessie's eyes on me; Nessie seemed to react more strongly when I touched her skin-on-skin after I'd had my mouth on her, and I think I knew why . . .

Feeling a little like a pervert, but too turned on to care, I reached my thumb up to my mouth and swiped my tongue across it. Then I switched hands, touching Nessie with that one - then after a few seconds, I brushed Nessie's nipple with my wet thumb.

Nessie moaned, loudly, and her eyes flew open.

"Is that okay?" I was pretty sure it was, but I just needed to make sure. I continued rubbing her softly and Nessie's hips rocked into my legs in time with my finger. She nodded - and then she moaned again.

Her face, the expressions on her face when I touched her were amazing. I'd never forget them and definitely wanted to see them again, but I suddenly needed her lips so bad right then I didn't think I could wait.

I wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her against me, her hips sliding back against mine, finally.

"I miss your mouth," I barely had time to tell her before I was kissing her.

Nessie spread herself over me when I leaned back, rubbing herself straight over little Jake, groaning like it was the best feeling in the world. She continued to kiss me hard and fast, her tongue teasing my lips and her tiny hands working at my shirt. I had to sit up again to get it over my arms, but I was glad I did once it was gone - another layer gone. That much closer to Ness.

And Nessie was that much closer to me, running her hands all over my chest and stomach, down my sides - but she always stopped at the waistband of my jeans. Thank God for small favors.

I finally let my hands slid back to cup Nessie's ass, sliding my hands into her jean pockets and holding her tight against me. My mind was full of the images Nessie had shown me, about how she'd thought about unzipping her jeans and letting me slip my hand down the back of them to massage her ass.

Then Nessie's hands left my sides, where she had been touching, to move to the button of her jeans and undo it. I felt it, my stomach going flying, and broke the kiss. Brought my hands back up to her waist.

"Ness - "

I heard the zipper slide down and then Nessie leaned back in to me.

"You don't have to do anything you don't want to." She kissed the corner of my mouth gently. "Just letting you know that you can."

Sometimes I honestly couldn't believe that Nessie wasn't inside of my head. How did she know? How did she know once she gave me permission that I would be unable to resist?

I kissed her again, to distract myself, and Nessie's small tongue flicking along the inside of my lips was just the right kind of distraction. But not enough to resist temptation, so a second later I found myself rubbing the small of Nessie's back gently.

Nessie smiled, just a little, into my mouth and rubbed herself against my hardness. I found my courage and slid my hand down a little more, just past the waistband of her jeans. I felt cotton.

Nessie's panties. Oh, fuck. Nessie's heart rate lifted.

"It's okay, Jake." It's more than okay, Nessie. "You can touch me."

Yes.

I slid my hand the final inch, burrowing it in between the denim and Nessie's skin, until a second later I had Nessie's supple ass cupped in my hand. Her jeans held me tight against her skin and all I had to do was give her a soft squeeze.

We both groaned out loud.

"You're so soft," I blurted without meaning to. I felt my face get red. "Everywhere."

Nessie gave a breathy chuckle against my lips. "Were you expecting calluses?"

"No." Shit, that did sound bad, didn't it? "I just - you're so - "

"I know, Jake." She leaned in and took my bottom lip between hers, licking it softly with her tongue like she did. "I'm just teasing. Your skin is so nice too - the perfect combination of hard and soft." Damn. "I can't wait until we're married and I can touch you wherever I want."

I couldn't help but groan, hold Nessie tighter against me. Wherever she wanted. Where did she want exactly?

"Am I paid off yet?"

"What?"

"For my bubblegum lessons." Shit, I had forgotten about that completely. Nessie pulled back and gave me the sexiest smile. "Am I paid off?"

I just smiled, and Nessie rubbed herself against me again. I pulled her against me harder.

"Not even fucking close."

I kissed her deeply for a few seconds before I started to move down to her jaw. Nessie had this really great place at the back of her jaw, right under her ear that felt amazing under my lips and made her make the best noises. I started heading for it.

"Do I get to hear some of the things you think about now?" That normally would have made me freak out, but not now. "Since I showed you?"

"Do you . . . want to?"

Nessie didn't answer straight away, but gripped my shoulders and ground herself against me, making me gasp. Then, "Mmhm."

"I mostly think about once we're married." Because that's when I'll be able to finally make love to you. "All the things I . . . I'll be able to do for you as your husband."

"Like?"

"All the different ways I'll be able to . . . please you." Make you writhe, moan, sigh, scream my name. I swear, Nessie, I'll spend the rest of my life trying to please you. "With my hands and my mouth and . . . more."

"S'not fair, Jake," Nessie mumbled as I nuzzled her neck. "I showed you pictures . . . details . . . you're being vague."

"You want details?" I squeezed her ass, a little harder than I intended, as I imagined all the details I could give her.

"Yes."

Oh, yes.

"I think about how beautiful you'll look naked," my mouth said without my brain having any say in it whatsoever. Not the one in my head, anyway. "When I finally get to see it. I think about what it will feel like to touch you like . . . like I do but with nothing between us." Completely naked, skin against skin. "I think about all the different ways I'll be able to make you say my name."

"Jake."

I didn't even care if she did it on purpose, because I'd just said it - it sounded fucking hot anyway. I moved my mouth to the front of her throat and she tipped her head back to give me room. I was nowhere near done.

"I think about kissing every inch of you. Every inch." The back of your knees and the curve of your ass, your sides and your hips down to the soles of your feet. "And I think about . . . being with you, like that." Nessie probably wouldn't understand any of the terms I would've used out loud, and I didn't want to have to pause for explanations. "A thousand different ways in a hundred different places."

Nessie's breathing sped up and she let out a breathy little moan as I licked along her pulse point. I was surprised to hear her ask, "Where?"

"My bed." The first answer was without thought - the fantasies always came back to my bed. It would be like bringing Nessie home. "In the forest back home . . . where we used to play." I have a thousand new games in mind. "In the shower." You'd look so good wet, Nessie. "The kitchen."

"The kitchen?"

"Mmm." It was one of my favorites - and I was more than turned on by the fact Nessie didn't seem disgusted at all. Her scent was telling a story very different from disgust. "We're married, and . . . we finish eating dinner. You're washing dishes and I come up behind you."

Things usually move pretty fast after that.

I inhaled deep and felt my blood begin to flow faster through my body at Nessie's scent, strong and hot. Then she whined and grasped my face, pulling my mouth back to hers and kissing me hard. Automatically, my lips battled hers for control and when she realized, she submitted easily, letting mine take the lead in the hot, hard kisses.

Nessie started grinding herself against me and I gave into it, for once just letting my hips rock up into hers. So fucking good. Nessie's ass moved back and forth against my hand as she rolled her hips and I felt the cotton of her underwear slowly start to ride up, and felt more delicious skin become available to my hands. I wished I could see it - the skin I was touching now, like from Nessie's pictures, like a third person watching in.

"I can't wait until we're married, Nessie." When I can see all of you, touch all of you, taste all of you. "I swear I'll take care of you better than you'll ever need."

Nessie groaned - somebody had their mind in the gutter. I loved it. Don't worry, my Nessie, I'll take care of those needs too, baby.

Nessie's hands were all over me then, my chest and stomach and arms, she kept coming back to my arms and shoulders, squeezing the muscles there just hard enough. Then she started kissing down my jaw. Her tiny tongue flicking my ear, her soft, moist lips running down my neck.

Then I felt those beautiful lips part, and then bite down, right where my shoulder went into my neck. It wasn't hard, not enough to break the skin - just a love bite, but hot damn. She sucked in, pulling my skin into her mouth and I groaned and my hips thrust up, my hands pulling hers down against me.

"Damn it, Ness."

She finally let me go, releasing my skin from her teeth and then smoothing her tongue across the place she'd bitten. "Now you know how it feels."

I guess I did. I threaded my fingers through her hair and pulled her back up to my lips, my hips rocking against hers instinctively and I did nothing to stop it. Nessie's rocked back and I used my hand down the back of Nessie's jeans, against her soft ass, to guide her against me.

It was hot and animalistic and perfect, it wasn't - what had Leah fucking called it? - dry humping. No, this was something amazing. This was tribal and deep and _perfect - _ my life was perfect. I was so, so close and I didn't even care - I had a change of clothes and we were at a rest stop, there was no way in hell I was stopping this. This - this woman above me was going to marry me, she was going to be mine in a way more than she already was - and here she was above me, rocking against me like this, giving me this pleasure and this happiness and this _love_ that I could feel practically seeping out of her . . .

The ringing took a second to sink into my subconscious, but once it hit there was no doubt it my mind what it was. It was the sound of the bottom falling out.

* * *

**Okay,** please don't kill me, y'all, but I don't have a coming up for you. Not a good one anyway, as I've only just started the next chapter - they've caught up with me. I know, I'm horrible, but I'm getting my ass into gear and doing some serious writing over the next couple of days. Anyway, I've got a fluffy little one-shot in the works that I started last night, so I'm gonna give y'all a preview of that anyway.

I know, I know, it's not_ Undeniable_ and I'm sorry - but it's what I've got.

Here's a first peek at what is being called, under working title,_ Five Kisses_:

-

"Okay, all right, just - just wait."

Panic welled up in me at the thought that I would let her go soon, not knowing when I could hold her again. If I would - please, please God let Edward understand. Before I could realize or recognize what I was doing, I had raised my little Nessie up high in my arms so she was closer to my face. Wide, deep, soulful brown eyes watched me as I leaned in. Blondie began to splutter, but I ignored it.

I ignored all of it, my entire being focused on the eyes right below mine, and pressed my lips to the soft, pale white skin of my imprint's forehead. Her scent was beautiful - clean and pure and sweet. I had never been so happy, so content, so perfect and at peace in my life.

Then I felt a warm hand on my jaw again. I pulled my lips back from her skin to gasp at the image I saw. My own face as I leaned closer, and I felt a surge of contentment and love. Then hot, but not too hot, lips against a forehead - and joy.

"Dog - get your - I can't, Emmett how can you let him - I - "

What was this? Some sort of special connection imprints shared? How come I had never heard of it before - or was it special only to my Nessie? Because it was possible - she was the most special thing to ever exist, after all.


	41. Lights and Crowds

**_A/N:_** Hey all - I'm back, and with a preview this time! How about that? lol. Not much to say about this chapter, but I've got some other stuff to talk about! As a winner of the **Sort of Beautiful Challenge**, _Team SOB_ (the girls at the blog who set the whole thing up) sent me a interview which I did that will be posted there in upcoming weeks! I'm so excited about it! Anyway, I'll let y'all know when it gets posted.

Oh, and don't forget to keep voting for _Hands on Me _at **The Sparkle Awards**! You can vote once a day! Vote for all your other J/N favorites too - quite a few are nominated!

Here you are:**_ thesparkleawards(dot)webs(dot)com_**

**_Disclaimer:_** I don't own anything - although I may own a new laptop soon! Yayness!

* * *

Lights and Crowds

* * *

_all the razor perceptions that cut just a little too deep  
hey, i can bleed as well as anyone  
but i need someone to help me sleep_

_- counting crows, mrs. potter's lullaby _

_-_

Everything stopped.

My brain couldn't comprehend it, even though I already knew what it was. I knew everything was too perfect to be allowed - I'd gotten two months of bliss, and here was the bill.

Finally, my mind broke through the haze at about the same time Nessie's did, and she threw herself across the console to grope for the phone. Seconds later, Nessie was pressing it to my ear.

"Yeah?"

What was it? Another death? Or a warning to run? Please, please God, whatever happens, let Nessie come out all right.

It seemed like it took years for that little vampire to answer - what in the hell? If someone was fucking gaining on us, didn't we deserve to know as soon as possible?

Then the pixie's voice said, "We've got him. Come home."

"What?"

That wasn't possible - they got him? They caught him? What . . . how? What did that mean - that it was safe? It was over? We had been living this life so long that it was hard to imagine it another way.

"We've got him." I heard something that sounded like a tussle in the background. "Everything's safe for the time being. We have to plan our next step."

That didn't make sense - not a damn bit. 'For the time being' had not passed my notice - it was safe for now until what? What was going on? If they had the bastard, what could possibly be wrong?

"Everything's clear?" There would be no bullshitting around this, I wasn't taking Nessie back to anything but completely assured safety. "There's absolutely no danger for Nessie?"

That Nessie in question was staring me down with wide, confused, almost-happy eyes. Leaned in close to hear the other side of the conversation.

"No, none for right now." There was a crash in the background, but muted. Small. "Just come home."

Come home? What, back there? I couldn't even imagine another life with Nessie at my side now - we'd never been like we were now back home. I knew, though, that all of that paled in comparison to making sure it was safe for her. I knew that her family would never call her back into danger, but - but . . . shit. I would die if anything happened to her. I didn't like the sound of this 'none for right now' shit.

I barely realize Nessie was pulling the phone to her ear until I heard her say, "Aunt Alice!"

"Nessie!" The pixie said back - I forgot they hadn't heard even her voice for months. They all loved Nessie unmeasurably - could that have clouded their judgement, their desire to see her? "Nessie, we've all missed you so much."

"Alice, are you with my Dad?" The light in her eyes was all I could see. Poor Nessie - I could see exactly how much she'd missed them in those seconds. "Give him the phone, please, Aunt Alice."

"Just a second."

Nessie's heart fluttered, taking a break from the race it was running.

"Renesmee," I heard Edward's deep voice say, like he was finding something he had lost.

"Oh, Daddy!" I was surprised to hear Nessie call Edward that - she hadn't called him Daddy since she was very, very small. "I missed you so much, are you okay? Is Momma? Where are you?"

Momma? Daddy? My stomach twisted as I realized just how much Nessie had been hiding her longing from her family from me.

"We're fine, sweetheart, everything's fine," I heard Edward assure her. "You're coming home now, right? You and Jacob? Will you be here soon?"

"I don't know, Daddy." I was surprised to hear her say that, and so honestly, her brown eyes studying me. Wow, I couldn't believe this girl. Was she - would she seriously contemplate staying away if I decided to? Was she actually considering following me that far - is that how deep her trust went? "I think so. I love you so much - where's Momma? Can I talk to her?"

"I love you too, Renesmee. Tell Jacob I understand his concern, but not to worry and that everything is fine." I felt my body relax, the smallest amount. "He will bring you home. Here's your mother."

At any other time, that would have set me on edge, but I was already teetering on it. I didn't take orders from Edward where Nessie was concerned, not on this - if we went back, it would be because I was one hundred perfect sure it was safe for her.

"Nessie. Oh, Nessie, sweetie, are you okay?" Nessie? "Where are you? How is Jacob? I've missed you so much!"

"I'm fine, Momma, we're both fine." Nessie's eyes welled up and spilled over, sliding down her beautiful cheeks. Even though I knew they were tears of joy, I hated to see them. "We're - I think we're coming. I've missed you so much too, Momma, I love you so much. I . . ."

A few more broke loose and I couldn't stand it. I reached up to swipe them away with my thumbs.

"I know, sweetie, I know." But did she? I hope to God they didn't freak out about us. I was pretty sure they wouldn't, but there was always that doubt. "We'll see you soon - I can hardly wait. Let me talk to Jacob, Renesmee, please."

Nessie just pressed the phone back to my ear, and her eyes just looked so wide and innocent and the strangest combination of happy and scared I had ever seen and I had to kiss her. Bella could wait. I rested my hand on the back of her neck gently and used it to pull her in towards me, not that she had to lean more than a few inches.

Nessie needed a kiss, and so did I before I had to deal with this. I closed my eyes, trying to savor the moment, before I kissed her softly. I made myself pull back.

"Yeah, Bells?"

"Oh, Jacob, thank you so much!" I didn't love Bella as anything more than a friend anymore, anything more than the woman who had birthed my perfect miracle, but it was still a relief to hear her safe. "I - I can't believe you've done this for us! We can't wait for you to come back home. Bring back our Ness, please. Bring me back Renesmee."

My body tensed up even though I tried to stop it. I was naturally defensive like that, I couldn't stand to hear anyone call Nessie, my Nessie, theirs. She was mine.

I pulled Nessie to my lips again, kissing her a little harder than before. I felt much better after that.

"Don't worry, Bells." Good enough to call her Bells, actually. Nessie's kisses just did that - they had magical properties or something. "I'll - I'll bring you your girl back. I been taking real good care of her."

Your girl, but she's my imprint. My Nessie, my fiance. Going to my my wife.

I grinned at Nessie - Bella would probably flip if she knew exactly how well I'd been taking care of Nessie. Ness smiled back, dragging the corner of that lip between her teeth like she did.

She was the one who leaned in this time, pressed her lips against mine in a kiss. Then she tilted her head towards the phone.

"Real good care, Momma." She giggled and rested her head on my shoulder. I could feel her breath on my skin. "I'm better than before. Wait until you see me."

I think, from the pause that went on a second too long for a vampire, Bella had heard something. In Nessie's voice, or her laugh - that grown up twinge to it she hadn't had months ago when we ran from the wedding.

But then she just said, "Oh, we all can't wait. Renesmee, Jacob, please hurry home. Please."

"Okay, Bells." We would go back - I would trust Nessie's family. They had trusted me with her, after all.

"Okay, Momma."

"I love you - both of you. So much."

"I love you too," Nessie said back, her cheek still resting on my shoulder. "I'll see you soon, Momma."

I loved Bella, of course I did, but I wasn't comfortable saying it to her. I wouldn't say those words to anyone but Nessie ever again.

"Be safe."

"We will." That I could promise.

"Bye, Renesmee. Goodbye, Jacob."

We both said bye at the same time and then Nessie sat up and pushed the end button. She just looked at me.

"So . . . " The look on her face reminded me of the expression she had right before she asked me if we were engaged. Not as strong, but still similar. "Are we going home?"

"I guess so."

Nessie literally jumped me, pushing me back against the seat and attacking me with kisses. I kissed her back, letting her literally work my mouth over, her little tongue reaching out and exploring - against my lips, my own tongue. Damn. Without thinking, I slid my hand back down the back of her jeans and Nessie moaned.

I'd kidnap Nessie and run her away again just to offer to bring her back home so I could get that kind of thanks again. It was all so unbelievable, because if mine and Nessie's relationship was still in the same place it had been when we left, Nessie would have probably just given me a big hug. This was so much better.

Nessie finally pulled back. "I'm so happy."

Her grin was ridiculous - I loved, loved, loved making her happy.

"I see that." I sort-of-sadly took my hand from her jeans so I could skim them down either side of her tiny waist. "That only makes me happier."

"You're not excited to go home?"

"I am." It wasn't quite a lie - I was happy; going home meant we were one step closer to having this done and over with and therefor one step closer to being married, so I was excited. "I'm just . . . worried. And I'm not looking forward to sharing you."

That was definitely in the back of my mind. What if - what if Nessie got around her family, back to her old life, and changed her mind? What if she just wanted to go back to the way things were - how would I deal with that? I mean, I would, for her - of course, but it would kill me. What if Edward and Bella or that damn blonde monster tried to talk her out of it - she missed them, she'd be feeling really soft towards them and they would be able to persuade her easily.

Please God don't let that happen.

"Don't worry, Jacob." Nessie leaned in to give me a soft kiss - it felt like it was meant to be a short one, and I wasn't ready to separate yet so I reached up to hold her face in place until I was done. "At least not now. Let's just go home."

"Whatever you want, Nessie." You know that, baby.

Nessie trailed her fingers up and down my abs. She leaned in and kissed me again.

"I guess that means I have to get up?" She asked against my lips, sounding sad.

"Mmm," I answered in the affirmative, dipping my head down to taste her throat. I ran my tongue up the column of it and Nessie shuddered above me. I just needed a last taste.

And one last kiss. I think Nessie could tell it was the last one too, because when she pulled back from my lips, she arched her back against the steering wheel, unintentionally grinding on me, to do up her jeans.

I groaned as I fought my body's reaction; driving for however many hours with a hard-on would not be fun. But damn, that had to be one of the sexiest things I'd ever seen - Nessie arching her hips out towards me like that, sliding up the zipper . . .

"Where's my shirt?" I asked Nessie instead, to keep my mind off of what I'd just seen.

"Where's my bra?" She shot back. Touche, Nessie honey, touche.

"I threw it up over my head." I wasn't thinking much about practicality at the moment, forgive me. I adjusted the mirror and found our missing clothing - then got a deliciously wonderful idea. "They're both in the back floorboard. You mind?"

Nessie apparently didn't, so she crawled out of my lap and onto the armrest, leaning way down into the floorboard to grab for our clothes. Her perfect ass straight up in the air - and inches from my face. I had to resist the urge to smack it so bad - what in the hell was wrong with me?

Nessie popped up a second later, completely oblivious, and dropped my shirt into my lap. She was so sweet and innocent.

I thought I'd clue her in, so I said, "Thanks for the view."

She looked confused for about half a second before her jaw dropped and she got the cutest little outraged look on her face. She crawled back in her seat.

"My show ain't free, honey," she said, looking up and down my chest suggestively. Damn this girl - how was I supposed to control myself in front of her family now? "And I don't take cash."

I pulled my shirt over my head to hopefully help keep Nessie's roaming little eyes at bay - that girl was gonna be the death of me.

"I'll find some way to pay you back," I promised. Even if I can't transport all my fantasies straight into your head.

"I'm sure you will." She popped up in her seat and gave me one more kiss. "I'm looking forward to it."

Me too.

Nessie started going through that crazy song and dance she had to do to get her bra on, one that was even crazier when she was trying to put it on under her shirt. Nessie turned her back to me when she started to slide her arms out of the sleeves, and I turned my head towards the opposite window to give her privacy, sitting my chair up.

"Okay, Jake," Nessie said a few seconds later, which I guess was permission to look. And look I did - let's see if Nessie liked being sized up. The blush on her cheeks told me that she did. "Ready?"

"When you are, Ness." I reached over and squeezed her hand once quickly. "You ready to head home?"

Nessie sighed and slumped back against her chair. "Very ready."

"All right then." I cranked the car and we headed out.

I tried to stay above eighty but under a hundred. That was my limit, I think. I wanted to hurry up and get Nessie home, but it's not like anything was chasing us and I wanted as many last moments alone with her as I could get.

We talked and joked and everything like normal, and drove straight into the middle of the night. Thank God we weren't in southern California. I felt myself starting to zone out around three in the morning - it wasn't like when we were running from the vamps, I didn't have that heightened sense of danger and adrenaline to keep me awake.

I shook my head a few times, but that stopped working after the fifth try in almost as many minutes. Nessie sat, wide awake beside me, her fingers tracing patterns on the armrest so I said, "Talk to me."

"Talk to you?" Nessie said, looking confused. "About what?"

"Anything."

"Hmm, okay . . . " Nessie turned on her side and leaned in, resting her arm on shoulder of my seat. I felt her fingers start to sift through my hair - I had to resist the urge to close my eyes and fall asleep to the soothing rhythm. "Do you remember when I was really little, and you used to let me ride you?"

I did remember that. It had been awesome, to have Nessie clinging tight to my back as I charged through the forest, hunting prey - we would leap together, take down the buck and Nessie would always be so proud and smug after.

"Mmhm." That seemed so long ago, so much had changed. "You used to hold onto my neck so tight sometimes that I thought you were scared."

"I wasn't scared." Her fingers reached up a little higher, brushed some hair back from the side of my face and smoothed it back before she went back to how she was before, raking her fingers through my hair slowly. "I just liked being close to you - it was the closest I could imagine to being a wolf. I always wanted to be a wolf like you, Jake."

I wanted to react to her words but her fingers in my hair were putting me to sleep - it was just so soothing and soft. Why didn't she do that when we were going to bed? I shook my head to clear it out again.

"I'm sorry, Nessie." I felt like shit for what I was about to have to ask her to do. I didn't want to hurt her feelings. "That feels so good, honey, but you're gonna have to stop. You're putting me to sleep."

Nessie's fingers immediately withdrew from my hair. I missed the feeling of them.

"Oh, Jacob, I'm so sorry!" See - that was one of two things I was afraid would happen. "I - I'm just so wrapped up in my own head that I didn't even realize you were falling asleep! Pull over and get a hotel, Jacob, let's stop for the night."

I shook my head and gripped the steering wheel harder. "No, Ness, I'll be fine - that just, with your fingers was kind of . . . lulling me to sleep, is all."

"No, Jacob, you're exhausted, I can tell." Nessie reached up and brushed some more hair back behind my ear and cupped my cheek in her tiny palm. She flashed me her concern. "Please pull over, just for a little bit."

I was beat and Nessie did want me to, so I pulled off an exit and found a truck stop that was fairly busy and had a lot of lights. The Cullens could say they had the bastard all they wanted, but I wouldn't feel like Nessie was safe until I was standing over his pile of ashes. Lights and crowds until then.

I parked and told Nessie to wake me up in fifteen minutes - I figured that was enough. Somebody told me something once about how truckers took periodic fifteen minutes naps through the night to keep them fresh and from driving off the road. That ought to be more than enough for a werewolf, right?

Nessie started shuffling around in her seat as I sat mine back and I gave her a questioning look. She sat up on her knees before crawling across the console and settling into my lap. I was surprised, but happy.

"Ness?" I wanted some sleep like hell, but if Nessie wanted some . . . attention, I could wait a few more minutes.

Nessie settled herself in my lap, her back facing the door like the day I almost phased in the car. She leaned in and rested her head on my shoulder, looking up at me with her beautiful eyes as she her fingers reached up to begin playing in my hair again.

"I'm putting you to sleep, Jacob." She smiled, a soft smile, and nuzzled my shoulder with her cheek. "You said playing with your hair makes you sleepy, right?"

Her fingers stroked through again and I stifled a yawn. "Pretty sleepy, yeah."

"Can you sleep with me on you like this?"

My arm immediately went around her waist to hold her in place. "'Course I can. I'll sleep better like this."

"Well, good." Nessie's weight lifted off of me for the briefest second as she sat up to press a kiss to my lips. She settled right back after and her fingers went back to my hair. "Now sleep, my Jacob, I'll wake you up in a little while."

"Fifteen minutes."

"Sleep, Jacob."

I did.

And woke up two hours later. I was a little pissed I'd conked out for that long, and irritated that Nessie hadn't woken me up. It wasn't like she had fallen asleep - her careful brown eyes were watching me as I opened mine.

"You didn't wake me up," I accused.

"I know." She leaned up and kissed me, her hand that was still on my cheek showing me how worried she was about me and how she was happy watching me sleep. "I'm excited to get home, Jacob, but not at the expense of your health."

"Losing a few hours of sleep is not going to affect my health." The only reason I didn't roll my eyes was because I didn't want to hurt Nessie's feelings. "I know you're excited and in a hurry and that makes me want to hurry too - so give me another kiss and hop up so we can get going."

Nessie obliged me with the kiss, but stayed where she was. "Are you sure you don't want to sleep more?"

"Absolutely."

Nessie got up then, giving me one more parting kiss before settling in her chair. We pulled up to the front of the gas station to use the bathroom and get supplies. I bought a two-liter of Mountain Dew - I wouldn't be falling asleep again.

We got back on the road and everything was pretty much silent. I knew Nessie's head was full and I didn't want to disturb her thoughts as long as they seemed peaceful.

But the closer we got, the more nervous Nessie did. At first I thought it was just excitement, but tell-tale signs started to show me that it wasn't. Especially once we were in Washington - she gave a little squeal and hopped up in her seat to hug my side. I warned her we were still a few hours away, and she told me that she knew and she was just happy.

But as we got into Forks, my girl literally started shaking. The phone rang and Nessie couldn't even answer it. Why was she so nervous?

I answered the phone and put it between my ear and shoulder so I have a free hand to reach out to Nessie. "Yeah?"

"You're close?" It was Alice. She must have had their immediate future flutter out of sight.

"Yeah." We zoomed past Swanson's and the road that led to La Push and Nessie sucked in a deep breath. "We're real close."

That was all they needed to know right now - I hung up the phone and dropped it, pulling Nessie into my side. Nessie needed me now - she needed to calm down.

"Listen, baby, you have to calm down," I whispered into her ear urgently. "I know you're excited, but you can't work yourself up. You'll get sick. It's just your family - they're all excited and happy to see you. No reason to be nervous."

I wasn't sure why my Nessie was nervous to see her family, but she definitely was. We were fast approaching the turn-off to the Cullens. This was it - I had done it. We were almost home.

As we grew closer to the house, Nessie sat up and pulled my face to hers, kissing me hard.

"I love you, Jake." I would never get tired of hearing her say that. "Thank you so much for everything."

"I love you too, Nessie." I kissed her again as we turned, to distract her from her nervousness, but mostly because I knew it would be my last one for awhile. A few hours, at least. "Welcome home."

Nessie snatched away from my lips to take in everything as we sped down her driveway. I was surprised to be relieved at the sight of all the Cullens gathered in the front yard. Nessie loved them, so of course I would want them all to stay safe, but it would be a lie to say I hadn't grown attached to the little vegetarian bloodsuckers over the years.

"Jacob - "

I don't know what Nessie was going to tell me and I didn't find out, because as soon as the car stopped, Bella pulled the door open and snatched Nessie straight up out of the car. I controlled my defensiveness - I knew they were all happy to see her, they were her family - I just had to get used to sharing her again. I was used to my Nessie being all mine, all the time.

I stepped out of the car and rushed to Nessie's side, surprised when her family moved to allow me to stand just behind her as Bella kissed all over her face. I knew she was safe now, but instinct had me aching to constantly be near her. She hadn't been out of arms reach in months.

As soon as I stepped behind Nessie, Bella flew off of her and onto me. It was hard being around the vamp stench after so long, even when they were stenches I recognized. I gritted my teeth and hugged Bells back, trying to hush the thanks she kept mumbling over and over in my ear.

"It's what I'm for, Bells, I'm alive to take care of her."

"I know, I know, Jacob, but - but thank you so much . . . thank you, just thank you."

"You're welcome, Bella, you're welcome - now enough. It's all okay now."

She pulled away then, turning back for Nessie, and the look on her face set my hair on end.

All of the Cullens hugged me - even Blondie. She gripped me tight in her icy arms and whispered, "For life. We owe you for life."

For a vamp, that was a long damn time.

I watched Nessie cry happy tears and hug her family over and over and tried to be happy for her, but I couldn't eat the fear that was gnawing at my gut. The for now's Alice said on the phone yesterday and the look on Bella's face just a second ago.

Finally, we started heading towards the house, Bella leading Ness with her arms around her shoulders. A freezing hand touched mine right before I could step into the door. Edward.

"Jacob - "

I stopped, shooting a look at Nessie to make sure she was okay. "You gonna tell me what the hell is going on?"

"Yes." I could tell by the line of his stone face that it wasn't good. "Outside."

I followed him quickly around the side of the huge wrap around porch they had. We stopped, I realized, just out of Nessie's hearing range.

"We've got the tracker - he's under control," Edward explained quickly. The man was smart; he knew I was in no mood for slow, calm explanations. I needed to know what I needed to know, now. "We tore him apart and burned his arms and legs. We detached his jaw and ripped his torso into several pieces and he's being help upstairs in separate steel boxes. There's absolutely no way for him to escape - and even if he did manage to escape and then manage to piece himself back together, he wouldn't be able to get anywhere."

Okay. I didn't like the idea of that fucker even being in the same country with my Nessie, but I didn't see the issue here.

"So you're looking like death - excuse the pun - why, exactly?"

"Jacob." Edward sucked in a deep breath and blew it out hard. "The Volturi aren't happy we've got their tracker - "

"Wait - how the fuck do they even know?"

"He managed to contact them when we had him cornered. I expect he was under orders to do so, and since they didn't hear back from him, they've assumed the worst - and correctly."

I didn't see how this was all such a huge mess. How could they all not deal with one crazy ass vampire?

"So piece his voice box back together and make him call his vampy mob boss and tell him it's all cool and he's still on the hunt!"

"He wouldn't, first of all, Volturi guards are trained too well." Damn it. There was this itching under my skin - I was still missing some pieces. "And we couldn't risk him passing them any more information - Jacob, the tracker isn't even the point."

"Okay, so . . . " Why the hell was he even telling me then?

"The Volturi have now assumed that we either murdered or are holding captive a member of their guard - that's treason." Treason? Where the hell were we, the Victorian era?

"Speak in English, Edward."

"There's going to be a war, Jacob."

I felt like my knees gave out.

"You wanna tell me how in the hell you know that?"

"Alice saw it," Edward said, shaking his head like he was trying to shake something out of it - or like he had a magic eight ball and was trying to get the right answer to show up. "The know we won't come quietly, that they won't surrender Renesmee, and that they've been caught when they were trying to be stealthy. The only answer is to eradicate us - they've already decided. They've been looking for a reason for seven years now, and us having the tracker seems good enough for them."

Edward was pacing back and forth, his hands clenched into fists. I was frozen.

"They're coming for her, for Renesmee - I've never known of vampires to go insane before but it seems like Aro has." I know a lot of fucking insane vampires - I could have told him years ago that the Aro bastard was insane. "He doesn't care about logic or reason or anything - the power must have finally driven him crazy, and the promise of a half-blood army I guess is just too much . . . "

"There will be no fucking half-blood army, Edward!"

"I know that." Edward's eyes flashed red. "That's exactly what we're trying to stop, but a war is inevitable. Alice has seen it - fighting is the only way that keeps Renesmee safe. We have to fight."

If - if we had to fight, then we would fight. There was nothing to do about it, but . . .

I was still trying to get it all to sink in when Blondie came flashing out the door.

"Hurry, mutt, Nessie wants you," was all she said.

I left Edward without another word, striding back into the house. And there she was - beautiful and alive and safe and there. She looked anxious though, holding her hand out for me impatiently as I approached. I took her hand in mine and stood close to her, needing to feel her close.

Nessie showed me then, through our joined hands, how she had felt when she realized I wasn't in the room with her. Anxiety, nerves. She showed me how she never wanted me to be out of her sight again.

I gave her a small smile, but it was all I could manage right now. Normally, Nessie needing me like that would have sent me over the moon, but now . . . now I was faced with something I thought I'd never have to deal with.

I knew life for me was impossible without Nessie - but what about life for Nessie without me?

* * *

**Coming up:**

"Are you telling me Nessie has had absolutely no blood in three months?"

I could hear Edward snarling. I didn't care - he couldn't hate me more than I hated myself. If he wanted to tear me apart, I would let him. How could I have failed Nessie like this?

"No, no." Then I remembered the night Nessie made me try pineapple pizza. "No - she had human blood once . . . just a little. Well, not human. Mine."

I didn't even care if Edward saw the memory in my mind.

"How much?" I couldn't face Nessie, even when she was unconscious. I kept forehead braced on the edge of the sofa. I felt like I might vomit. "How long ago?"

"Just . . . just a mouthful or two." I shoved the memory of Nessie feeding from me out of my head since it only reminded me of how I had failed. "About . . . two months ago. Month and a half, maybe. Shit."


	42. Begging God

**_A/N:_** So here's this! I've been hard at work, just a-typing away for you guys, so I hope you like the result. I really love the ending of this chapter, so let me know what you think. You guys are going to start getting some answers soon - I hope you're ready!

I'm getting kinda a sleepy right now, so forgive me if I forget something. But that's all I can think of to say right now. Let me know what you think, girls! And add me on twitter - I love interacting with readers over there! :D

**_Disclaimer:_** I definitely don't own the piece of art that are the lines at the beginning of this chapter from Robert Frost's brilliant poem. That really could have gone without disclaiming, since I doubt anyone would mistake it for mine, but best to keep the lawyers off my case!

* * *

Begging God

* * *

_the woods are lovely, dark and deep  
but i have promises to keep  
and miles to go before i sleep_

_- robert frost, stopping by woods on a snowy evening_

-

I ate with Nessie - some lasagna courtesy of Momma Vamp. Ate like I hadn't in a while . . . actually, when was the last time I'd eaten?

Edward asked us if we had any trouble and Bella asked Nessie what all we had done. I listened to Nessie talk excitedly about Wal-mart and eating out and how much fun she'd had. I almost smiled - I was glad she thought of our time on the run like that, of the fun and new experiences and good stuff instead of all the fear and arguments and bad shit.

Then out out of the blue, Edward says in the most pissed voice, "_What?_"

Nessie's head flashed around to face Edward, who was looking mad as hell, and then back to Bella. I kept looking at them both, trying to understand what was going on.

"Momma, shield me and Jake. Please, just for a second." What was going on? "Shield us and I'll explain."

"Okay," Bella said a heartbeat later, which I guess meant it was up. But why?

"Nessie, what - "

Before I could even get the question out, Nessie reached back and grabbed my hand. I felt the connection open and Nessie run over what had happened, how she had thought in her happiness about how everything was perfect and we could now get married. And how Edward had obviously heard.

My heart sunk for more than one reason - the first was the entire marriage thing. It would have to be postponed now; I promised Nessie we wouldn't get married until this was all over and she was safe, and now it looked like safe was the last thing she was at the moment. But the second was her family; I always reckoned they would understand when things started to change, but what if they didn't?

What if they made Nessie change her mind?

But no - no. That wouldn't happen. I had felt Nessie's pride in our love, her readiness to tell them about us . . . with my help. I didn't doubt Nessie's love in me. I wouldn't doubt Nessie; her family on the other hand . . .

No. I sat up straighter in my seat. I was a grown man and Nessie was grown too; they couldn't stop us and we shouldn't be afraid or ashamed.

"I - Jake and I have got some . . . news." I could tell Nessie was nervous. I knew she wouldn't want her family to be angry with her so soon after reuniting. "We . . . I . . . while we were gone, we . . . "

I was a man, wasn't I? An Alpha? So why was I letting Nessie, my future wife, do the talking while she was obviously nervous and uncomfortable? Time to man up.

I reached out and wrapped my arm around Nessie's waist, pulling her a little bit closer. Staking a claim.

"Nessie and I are . . . together now."

Nessie's heartbeat sped up and I knew her eyes were checking all of her family's, checking for anger. I looked with her, and saw nothing too bad. Surprise, but not shock, no outright happiness, but no anger either.

"Oh." Bells spoke first. "Oh, well . . . how long?"

"A few months." Nessie paused for a second, squeezed my hand harder. "I'm - I'm so happy, Momma. Please don't be angry."

I felt my heart swell up.

"I'm not." I knew she wouldn't be. Well, I hoped she wouldn't. "You left us for a few months and came back all grown up. But I'm happy for you, sweetie."

Then the little pixie jumped up and kissed Nessie. I heard her clearly whisper into Nessie's ear that Nessie had a lot to fill her in on. She congratulated us both out loud.

I pulled Nessie closer.

Would Nessie do that? Talk to her aunts about the private things that went on between us? The blush on her cheeks told me that she wouldn't.

"Does this meant the dog stays?" Okay, that was about as nice as Blondie got, so I wasn't tearing up. "I hate you, mutt, but if Nessie wants you then you better be a good puppy and do exactly what she says."

I almost smiled. We got the blonde devil's blessing - who would have thought?

Undead Prozac and the Monkey man were surprisingly cool too, which was a nice surprise since I expected them to take the macho approach. Of course, Momma Vamp and the Doc were cool. They were nice and understanding about everything - even at things I sometimes felt like people shouldn't even try to understand.

But Edward still didn't say anything. Nessie didn't have to use her gift for me to be able to feel the nerves pouring off of her.

"Daddy?" She finally asked quietly. Her voice was so small - Edward had better now make her cry. "Daddy, are you angry?"

"Not about . . . that, no." Then what? "But I saw a little more than you've just told us."

Oh. The engagement.

To Nessie's credit, she didn't falter or shrink under Edward's gaze. She drew herself up.

"And we're . . . we're engaged," she announced.

The pixie squealed and grabbed her, but no one else looked as happy.

"Engaged to be what? Married?" I would have laughed at Emmett's stupidness if it weren't for the tension in the room, in Nessie's body that I could feel from just sitting beside her. "Isn't that a little . . . fast?"

"Not really." I heard the protectiveness in Nessie's voice. My heart swelled as she leaned back in her chair, into my chest. "And - and soon too. As soon as possible."

"No." There was anger in Edward's voice, but something else too.

"Daddy, I don't want you to be angry with me." Nessie's body strained, like she was yearning towards Edward, but her back stayed firmly against my chest. "I just want to be happy and together again, but I want to be together with Jacob too."

"Not now."

Now I understood the something else. Not now - we knew what was happening now, and it wasn't a wedding.

"Yes, now." I heard the anger in Nessie's voice and I knew Edward didn't deserve it, not when I understood now. "Jacob and I agreed as soon as this was all over - "

I tugged on Nessie's hand to stop her. I couldn't let her go on anymore; I had to tell her. At least, some. Just enough. I hated to.

I leaned in close, pressing my lips to Nessie's ear to give us the semblance of privacy even though I knew everyone would hear it all anyway.

"He's right, Nessie," I forced out quietly. "Not now."

Then Nessie twisted in her seat to face me, her eyes wide and - fearful. Hurt. My stomach twisted.

"Jacob - Jacob, you said - "

"I said as soon as it's over." I'm so sorry, honey. I'm sorry I have to tell you this. "It's not over."

Nessie's heartbeat faltered, for a fraction of a second. So did mine, for a very different reason. "What - what do you mean?"

"They - " I couldn't tell her about the war now. Not here, in front of everyone. When she'd just got home. But I couldn't lie either. So I said, "They got the tracker, but they didn't kill him."

"Where is he?"

I flashed my eyes to Edward. Edward flashed his upwards, my answer.

"He's upstairs."

"What?"

Nessie's heart went out of control, along with her breathing. The next instant, Edward was beside us.

"Nessie, Nessie, calm down." He rubbed her arms and she shivered. "He can't get to you - nothing can get to you."

"How?"

I shot Edward a look. I was all for honesty when it came to Nessie - I wasn't going to pull an Edward and keep everything from her, especially things that concerned her, but now was not the time or place for details.

Luckily, Edward was already telling Nessie not to worry about it, not to worry about anything.

"So - " Nessie turned around in her seat again, faced me. Her eyes roamed my face. I felt like she could see everything. "So - what?"

"We have people due to be turning up over the next few days." I was glad Prozac took the reins from me, since I was lost at what to tell her. This was also new information for me too. "The witnesses from last time, and whoever they can bring with them."

Nessie sighed in confusion. I hated seeing her face so lost.

"But - but why though?"

I shot a look that was pure wolf at Alice. She'd better not say shit. I was going to be the one to tell Nessie. I had to be.

"The Volturi are coming."

Nessie's heart rate dropped. She went limp in my arms. I couldn't breathe.

"Nessie!"

I shook her gently, but she was unresponsive. Unbelievable, unparalleled panic rose in my stomach. My heart felt constricted, like it wasn't even beating. There was a pounding in my head.

No. No. No, no, no, no.

"Edward!" I shouted, even though he was already right there. "What the fuck is going on?"

"I don't know!" He seemed just as lost as me. "Carlisle!"

"Get her to the couch in the living room," Carlisle commanded. "Now."

I lifted Nessie carefully in my arms, and set her down easily on the couch in the living room two seconds later. I fell to my knees in front of her, cupping her face.

"Nessie honey, open your eyes - you have to open your eyes," I begged. I would be going completely mental if it wasn't for the slow, steady rhythm of her heart that I could still hear clearly. "Nessie!"

"Renesmee, can you hear us . . . _Renesmee_!" Edward was beside the couch on his knees too - behind us, I barely heard Bella and Rosalie snarling to be let go. Were they restrained? "Bella - drop the shield!"

I'd forgotten it was up. "What do you hear?"

We both moved the smallest amount possible to make room for Carlisle. He dropped to his knees like us and began placing his fingers at random points on Nessie's body. She remained limp, her eyes closed.

"She can hear us, vaguely, but she doesn't understand much." Edward was shaking his head, thinking hard. I couldn't keep my hands off of Nessie, threading my fingers through her hair. "Like she's sleeping. It's like she's half asleep - she's not dreaming, but she's not completely with us either."

"Jacob," Carlisle said firmly, his pale fingers reaching up to slidE Nessie's eyelid back. I bit back a snarl, knowing he was only helping her. "When was the last time she's hunted?"

My stomach dropped. I groaned, letting my head fall onto the part of the couch Nessie's thin body didn't occupy. I could've killed myself. How - how had I forgotten? Overlooked?

"She hasn't!" Goddamn it - "Fuck, she hasn't hunted . . . I forgot, and she - she never said anything . . . complained . . ."

"Are you telling me Nessie has had absolutely no blood in three months?"

I could hear Edward snarling. I didn't care - he couldn't hate me more than I hated myself. If he wanted to tear me apart, I would let him. How could I have failed Nessie like this?

"No, no." Then I remembered the night Nessie made me try pineapple pizza. "No - she had human blood once . . . just a little. Well, not human. Mine."

I didn't even care if Edward saw the memory in my mind.

"How much?" I couldn't face Nessie, even when she was unconscious. I kept my forehead braced on the edge of the sofa. I felt like I might vomit. "How long ago?"

"Just . . . just a mouthful or two." I shoved the memory of Nessie feeding from me out of my head since it only reminded me of how I had failed. "About . . . two months ago. Month and a half, maybe. Shit."

There was silence for about fifteen more seconds, silence in which Nessie's heartbeat was the only sound in the room. For the first time in a long time, I prayed. It wasn't even praying, it was begging God.

Please. Please. Please let Nessie be okay, please bring her back. Take me instead. Please. Please.

"Nessie's going to be fine." Those words unhinged my body from my soul, my brain from my mind. I felt like I was floating. "It looks like she's . . . fainted. It's uncharacteristic of her, but since Jacob says she hasn't hunted, it may be that her body is weaker. After the shock of what Alice told her, her mind needed to protect itself. So her body shut down."

I growled. That damn fucking pixie. I wasn't about to skirt my blame in this, but damn it . . .

"So what?" I lifted my head up, a thousand pounds heavy. "We just leave her?"

"Her body needs to heal, so yes, we leave her." Carlisle stood up. "She'll wake up when she's ready."

"Jasper, let me go!" I flicked my eyes over to the noise to see Bella struggling in Jasper's arms. He had her in an iron grip. "Carlisle said she's fine - I won't be in the way - I'm her mother - _now you let me go_!"

He did and she was in the place Carlisle vacated a second later. Blondie followed straight after - apparently her monkey man had let go of her too.

Waiting for Nessie to wake up was . . . pure hell. I still couldn't look at her, face the beautiful blankness I knew I would see if I did. So I just kept my head down. I wouldn't forgive myself until Nessie's eyes opened and she told me from her own lips that she was okay.

Time warped in on itself. Seconds felt like hours, minutes turned into days. I contented myself with Nessie's heartbeats and her even breaths.

Then something . . . shifted inside me, right before I heard Bella gasp.

"She's up!" I sat straight up, and there she was. Her beautiful eyes were open, but tired. "Edward, Carlisle, she's up!"

"Nessie." I leaned over her, reached up and rubbed her cheek gently. "Thank God."

Yes. Yes. Thank God. Thank you, God, thank you so, so, _so _much.

"I - I'm fine," Nessie whispered, like her words were just for me. "I'm okay, Jacob."

"You scared me so bad." I wanted to kiss her lips, but I knew that now wasn't the time. I settled for her forehead, pressing my lips there longer than I needed, just wanting to feel her alive and well under me. "Don't do that again. Please."

I smelled Carlisle and Edward approach and I shifted out of the way so they could get to her.

"Sorry," Nessie apologized as Edward leaned down and brushed back her hair. Our hands touched. A few years ago, that would have been enough to make me phase. Now, excuse the pun, it didn't even faze me. "I'm fine, you guys, I'm sorry for scaring you. I don't know what happened."

I hoped she didn't. I didn't want her to. Even though I knew it would only make it that much harder when I had to explain everything to her.

"No, Nessie, don't worry about any of that," Edward said, and I knew she had remembered. He kissed her forehead too.

The doc asked her how she was feeling, if she felt sick or nauseous.

"I'm fine, I swear." Nessie could swear all she wanted, but she wasn't getting up until the doc gave her the okay. I reached my hand out to stop her when she tried. "Really."

The doc reached down and touched Ness's cheek. He said that her pulse was good, and explained to her what he'd already told us over and over. That she was just stressed and her body was protecting itself.

"So I can get up?"

The doc nodded at her, I guess, but I wouldn't know because I couldn't take my eyes off Nessie. She shot me a look that looked a little irritated. I let her go.

Was Nessie mad at me for letting her get sick? Not taking enough care of her? I deserved it if she was, but . . . damn, just the idea made my stomach hurt.

I followed close, but not too close, behind Nessie as everybody headed back to the kitchen so she could eat. I couldn't help sitting beside her though. She finished her food this time - I was glad to see that. She needed it. She needed to hunt too, as soon as she had rested some.

I watched Nessie eat, still feeling pretty shitty. Besides a random growl from Edward, Nessie's meal went off without a hitch. I don't think I had been thinking anything inappropriate, so that probably meant it was directed towards Nessie . . . what had she been thinking?

Was she thinking about me?

As soon as Nessie had finished her food, the doc told her she needed to get up to bed. I agreed, but didn't say anything since Nessie looked like she was going to listen on her own. I hope she wasn't too angry to tell me goodnight. It was already going to be a long night without her.

"Fine," she said when the doc told her, then she lifted her pretty eyes up to me. "You'll sleep here tonight, right?"

I turned towards her in my chair to give the illusion everyone wasn't watching in. "Whatever you want, Nessie."

"I don't want to sleep without you." Edward made another noise, but I didn't even care. My heart soared. "But I don't think - "

Well, I didn't think, I knew that with Edward that wouldn't fly. And I understood. A little.

I wouldn't argue anyway.

"It's okay, Nessie." I was just relieved Nessie didn't seem to be mad at me anymore. I reached up and brushed back her soft hair. "I'll stay really close - even on the same floor if you want."

It would be inconvenient, but I wasn't above making the whole vamp clan move upstairs to discuss this whole ordeal if it was what Nessie needed. For me to be close to her.

"Just - just in the house is fine."

Nessie made like she was going to tilt her face up, her signal that she wanted a kiss, but stopped at the last moment. Edward growled again - shit. I was going to have to get used to watching what I let run through my head again.

The little pixie volunteered to sit with Nessie until she fell asleep, which made me feel better. Nessie said something about her clothes, so I offered to get them from the car. I wanted to so something for her, to help shake off the feeling of failure of somehow allowing her to go _three months_ without hunting. Was I insane?

I got the stuff quick, in a hurry to get back to Ness, and handed her stuff to the pixie when I walked in. Nessie wouldn't be carrying anything, especially after tonight.

I watched as Nessie kissed Bella and then Edward, then Emmett and Prozac, then Blondie and Momma Vamp and then the doc. The pixie was going with her, so all there was left was me.

I knew I couldn't kiss her - not in front of her family. That was just too - Nessie and I never kissed in front of anyone. It felt like I was making a display of her. What Nessie and I had between us was between us, private.

Nessie looked like she didn't know what to do either, but she wrapped her tiny arms tight around my waist. I reached down and pulled her up into my arms so I could hug her properly. If I didn't get a kiss, I might was going to get a damn good hug.

"'Night, Nessie," I told her once I set her down.

She smiled and stepped back to grab the pixie's hand. She kissed Bella again too.

"Goodnight, everybody," Nessie said to the room. "I love you all."

I'd already told her that, so I just wished her sweet dreams. Nessie stole one last look at me before she turned around the corner and I couldn't help but mouth _I love you_ to her. She smiled that new, special, intimate smile and mouthed back, _I love you too_. Then the pixie dragged her out of sight and she was gone.

We all waited until we heard the steps above our heads that meant Nessie was out of hearing range. There was a lot to discuss, and I was tired as hell, but now was not the time for it.

How did that poem go? The one Nessie liked? Something about promises to keep, and miles to go before you sleep? Yeah, it was like that.

I had plenty of promises to keep, and I wouldn't be sleeping until I sorted each one of them out.

* * *

**Coming up:**

So . . . two weeks. I had to tell Nessie that I was leaving in two weeks, and might never come back.

"Can you see who . . . lives?" I asked, half-scared for the answer. But . . . I think if I was going to die, I'd like to know now. It'd be better for me, easier, than having to wonder if I'd ever make it back to Ness.

Or maybe it'd be harder. Hell, I don't know.

"No."

"Would you tell me if you could?"

"I would." But I wasn't sure I believed her.


	43. Go Ask Alice

**_A/N:_** Okay, y'all, lots of information in this chapter. Hope this answers some questions for you. I know, and you know, we're getting to the good stuff, the real action (and you can take that any way you want, lol) so I hope you like how it all comes together from Jake's side.

Oh, and I updated _A Tale Told in Kisses _today with the third chapter - so that's up for all who're interested!

I think that's all I have to say, so I'll go now. Get to reading, girls!

**_Disclaimer:_** Like most things, I don't own the chapter title, although I usually do own them. It's a play off of the book of the same name, although it does tie in with the chapter.

* * *

Go Ask Alice

* * *

_i don't like to fight  
but i ain't scared to bleed  
and most don't mess with a guy like me_

_- eric church, guys like me_

_-_

In a few short hours, I crammed more information into my head than my brain absorbed my entire high school career. But this wasn't high school, this wasn't some dinky social studies test - this was the welfare of my reason for life, my Ness.

I would understand and comprehend every detail, take in all the facts. I would cover every angle. And then, I would map out a plan to kill every single one of those damn Volturi bastards.

After we left, the Cullens split up - into their respective mated pairings of course, since that was how they worked best. Carlisle and Esme travelled, trying to gather up supporters like they had the last time around. Apparently, animosity had been brewing in the vamp world since the little fiasco with the Cullens seven years ago.

Their cowardly little vamp witnesses that snaked off as soon as they realized the Volturi were willing to use them as a shield or scapegoats as needed, kind of spread the word. Yeah, well, should've known better than to trust a bloodsucker in the first place, but well - they were bloodsuckers to begin with. So that was kind of a moot point.

Anyway, surprise, surprise, people were starting to think the Volturi were kind of . . . oh, let's say tyrannical. That was the word Edward used. I say bat-shit crazy. And well, they were kind of scared what they might do next.

See, we already knew the Italian vampers weren't gonna take too good to us catching their tracker, so that was the original purpose of the witnesses. To stand with us, kind of like last time, and state that the Cullens had done nothing wrong since the tracker was trying to get at one of their own.

Blondie and her big monkey husband were helping the doc and Momma Vamp at first, but came back after a few weeks when they still hadn't caught the tracker. He was 'exceptional at eluding capture' as Edward put it, or in layman's terms, pretty damn sneaky.

Alice, of course, had to stay close to keep trying to see him and make sure he didn't blur out. He was smart though, and never kept a solid decision. It seems like the those Italian vampers had been training him since about the last time they came around - once they caught him, they figured out that was true.

They ended up cornering him while he was on the hunt - he'd been too far gone, waited too long until it was all he could think about. So they got a lot closer than he normally would have let them, then it was just a race from there. He made it about two days, Edward said, before they got him. Bells wanted to kill him, as did Blondie and Emmett and well . . . everybody, but they had to keep him alive so he could testify for them that he had been sent to hunt Nessie.

After I was sure Nessie was asleep and Alice came back downstairs, I made them take me up to where he was. I didn't like the idea of Nessie being alone with him, even if he was all diced up. There were three iron boxes stacked in the floor of the doc's study that rattled slightly as we got closer. I wanted to give them a good kick, which by the chuckle Edward gave when I had the thought, he would be down with, but I didn't want to wake Nessie up.

I peeked my head in and checked on her before I went back downstairs. She looked like she was sleeping all right and that made me feel better. I made them move the boxes downstairs into the spare bedroom though. I decided I didn't want them up there with Ness at all.

They were still burning the tracker's limbs (Blondie and Bella looked entirely too happy when Edward told me this part, but I couldn't say I wouldn't be if I were them) when Alice had the vision. The Volturi made the decision to invade - they would surround us stealthily, without warning, and take us down.

From the time she had the vision, to the time they arrived in Forks and called us to return home, and then the time from then until we arrived, Alice spent trying to see the details. All possible plans. But since all of our possible plans included at least one wolf, she had to look around corners.

She explained to me how it worked. Like when she was calling to give us our days, she wasn't looking into our future, but the tracker's. If he disappeared, that would mean his future was intertwining with ours. If Nessie flickered into sight, it meant in her future she was separated from me.

And so Alice was having to jump through hoops of fire to see what was going to happen with us. Running again, my immediate suggestion, didn't work. Nessie flickers into sight - and although Alice couldn't see much, I could gather that the sight wasn't very pretty. I didn't ask. I about put a hole in Momma Vamp's table just hearing about it.

Staying and fighting was the only way. With something as tumultuous (her word, not mine) as a battle, Alice couldn't really see the outcome. Especially not with so many wolves involved. But she couldn't see Nessie, and that could only mean good things.

It meant that I was still with her.

Or I thought.

"But," I cut in, thinking hard. "If . . . do I not fight? Do I stay with her? How does Nessie stay blank?"

"N-no." Suddenly, nobody wanted to look at me. "If . . . decide stay. Decide not to go and fight."

I decided. "Okay."

Alice closed her eyes, her brow screwed up, and then gasped. "No, no, I see her - change it back, change it back."

Even though it was just a hypothetical future, it was enough to scare the shit out of Alice. And me.

Done. "Okay."

"No, it doesn't work." She shook her head fiercely. "Even when - when I just tried to see with us making the decision to _tell_ you to stay, it didn't work. You have to go."

I wasn't scared to fight, not for Nessie. But who would watch over her? I asked that very question.

"I - I don't know, Jacob, but not you."

That ate at me.

I was so torn. My decision was already made, so I shouldn't have been, but I still was. I wanted to protect Nessie - literally, physically protect her. Sit beside her in wolf form and slaughter any bloodsucker that came close.

But I also wanted to fight for her too. But to do that, I had to leave her.

Leave Nessie. Even the concept was incomprehensible to me, even inside my head. And how was I gonna tell her?

Then they gave me the deadline. Two weeks. The Volturi would arrive in two weeks. Or, well. The best she could tell.

"What do you mean by that?" I asked.

"By that day, everything gets thrown into chaos." She closed her eyes for a second, like she was trying to see more. "I start seeing people I don't usually see, like Emily and Rachel, but that's probably because all the wolves are with us. But - it's all just really blurry and jumpy . . . it's like trying to watch a really bad surveillance tape or something."

So . . . two weeks. I had to tell Nessie that I was leaving in two weeks, and might never come back.

"Can you see who . . . lives?" I asked, half-scared for the answer. But . . . I think if I was going to die, I'd like to know now. It'd be better for me, easier, than having to wonder if I'd ever make it back to Ness.

Or maybe it'd be harder. Hell, I don't know.

"No."

"Would you tell me if you could?"

"I would." But I wasn't sure I believed her.

Urgh. I groaned and threw myself onto the couch that was thankfully, due to the Cullen's love of throwing their money around, long enough for my tall ass. It was almost four in the morning; I hadn't slept in twenty-four hours and I was beat.

And it hadn't just been any damn twenty-four hours.

All the vampy couples dispersed to go "hunt", but they said they'd be back in a few hours. What kind of hunting six vampires could do in a few hours in an area this small beat me.

Edward smiled, just a little, when he caught my thought. "I'd also like to spend some time with my wife."

"Dude." I mean, seriously, I did not need that image. "You just spent three months together!"

"Worried to death about a psychopath after my daughter, excuse me if that wasn't the most romantic setting."

So basically, they had run off into the woods to bone. Which pissed me off, because I couldn't even go get in the bed with my Nessie. And all I wanted to do was hold her. I mean, shit, I really needed to hold her right now.

But I guess it was good. I don't think if I saw her face right now, I could hide all this shit. I'd have to tell her tomorrow. Tomorrow was another big day, even without all that. I'd have to go let the pack know I was back, then fill them in on all of this. I knew they would stand behind us, but it was just so much to consider.

I was so scared I'd fuck it up.

I didn't want to sleep alone - I hadn't in months. I didn't know how any sleep now was going to compare when I'd had two months of Nessie snuggled into my side to compare it to. If it were any other time, I probably would've had a hard time getting to sleep, but not tonight. I was beat.

I reached up and pulled the throw blanket on the back of the couch over me. I didn't really need it, but if I had a particularly good Nessie dream, it could come in handy as camouflage.

Ah. Nessie.

With that thought, I let myself drift off.

Surprisingly, I didn't have nightmares. I actually had a good dream. I dreamed that I could smell Nessie, not her scent lingering on the couch where she had laid earlier that night, but really smell her like she was in front of me.

Then I dreamed she was kissing me. Gentle, soft. I tried to tell her I loved her, but my mouth wouldn't cooperate. I was kissed again.

"Nessie." I managed her name this time.

Then she put her fingers in my hair - I loved that feeling - and kissed me again. Longer than before, but just as soft.

I heard her say my name, felt it against my mouth. Her voice was quiet and soft, beautiful and calming just like her and I let the words wash over me. Then she kissed me again, and I felt her tongue, small and wet, reach past my lips.

Finally, like breaking through a haze, I was able to kiss her back. I raised up into a new level of awareness, and opened my eyes. And there she was.

"Nessie?"

It was most definitely my Nessie, kneeling down beside the couch, her fingers still in my hair. Smiling. "Were you expecting someone else?"

"Of course not." I reached out and touched her cheek, just to make sure she wasn't a dream. I had just woke up, after all. "What are you doing?"

"I missed you." Ah, those words. Nessie lifted the blanket like she wanted to crawl in next to me, so I moved back as far as I could to make it possible for her. "I can't sleep without you."

"Mmm." I leaned down to kiss her white neck.

It felt like finding a piece of myself when Nessie's body pressed back against mine, like coming home. Nessie belonged here, against me, forever. Not upstairs alone in a cold bed.

Then, as Nessie tried to throw her leg over my hip, I realized I had gotten, uh . . . excited. I reached my hand out to catch her thigh. "Don't, Ness."

We couldn't do that here.

"Why?" Nessie asked honestly, but then she shifted the smallest bit . . . and her eyes widened. I knew she felt it. "Was that - just from the kiss?"

She ignored my hand on her thigh, pressing up against me firmly anyway. I tried to bite back my groan, but a little got out. I shook my head. This girl was going to be the death of me.

"I was dreaming about you." No need to tell her the kiss on its own probably would have been enough to do the job anyway. "But that kiss definitely didn't help. You're evil, you know that?"

Nessie just stared up at me, her eyes darkening and her . . . scent getting stronger. I knew Nessie was dangerously close to forgetting where we were and how we were supposed to be behaving. So when she leaned up to kiss me again, I said, "Nessie, your parents - your dad - "

Did I mention I was dangerously close to forgetting too?

"They're not in the house." So Nessie had done her investigating. She kissed me anyway, and rubbed herself against me, just a little. "We're alone, but don't worry, Jake. I just want to sleep."

Thank God. I wasn't sure if I could say no to her right now, and I did not want to be found in a compromising position by Edward.

"Well, if you want me to sleep with you, and you want me to be alive when you wake up, you should probably move your leg," I advised her.

As good as it felt, it wouldn't be very easy to explain to Nessie's father that all we were doing was sleeping innocently beside each other if she was straddling my hard on.

Nessie poked her bottom lip out in the smallest pout, making me want to kiss her again, but she removed her leg. Good girl. I fought my body for control.

"I missed you," I told her, since I didn't want her feeling rejected. She came all the way down here, kissed me and crawled into bed with me and I just told her to get her leg off of me. "I missed you so much. I don't like sleeping without you against me."

"Me neither." Yes. "Are you going to go to La Push tomorrow?"

Her question brought all the shit back that sleep had managed to push away. I think Nessie saw it in my face, because her eyes softened and she strained up to place an easy kiss against my throat. I nodded.

"Can I go with you?"

"If Alice says it's okay," I decided. I wasn't taking a piss without asking Alice first anymore.

Nessie didn't say anything, so I took it that she understood. Then she said, "I love you, Jake."

"I love you too, Nessie." More than life. I reached down to rub her back, knowing sometimes it helped her drift off. I think I was done with my sleep for the night. I had a lot to think about. "Now sleep."

"Mmm," was Nessie's response.

She slid her fingers upward to thread themselves in my hair once more, and nuzzled her face in my chest. I think I heard her sigh my name before her heartbeat leveled off and I knew she was asleep.

But like I guessed, I wouldn't be able to sleep again. I stayed up the last few hours until dawn, rolling over everything in my head. I had to tell Nessie tomorrow; there just wasn't the time to put this off. It was going to tear her up though. I know it.

I didn't want to do that. But I had to. What was the right answer when the two choices were being honest with someone or protecting them from hurt? What if it was someone you swore you'd never lie to?

No, I had to tell Nessie. I just had no idea how to do it.

Nessie slept peacefully, finally throwing her leg up over my hip again and wrapping her arm around my back, pulling me close against her. I let her. She was too precious to disturb. I would just control myself.

Finally, around dawn, with no other sounds in the house but Nessie's steady breathing and heartbeat, I heard clearly when someone began to approach. The past three months without vamps had sharpened my sense of smell too, and I was much more sensitive to it as they approached - I recognized it easily. Bella and Edward.

I gently shook Nessie awake, telling her to sit up. Edward would probably take one peek into our heads and know immediately, but his wrath or attitude or whatever might be less if he didn't actually _see _us laying together with his own eyes.

Nessie obeyed me quickly, sitting up sleepily. I pulled the cover from off of her so it looked like she had just come to sit beside me. I notice Nessie surreptitiously trying to pull her hair around to her front because I could tell, even from this angle, that she didn't have a bra on.

Edward and Bella zoomed in the door at vamp speed a second later. Nessie told them good morning, and Edward returned her greeting, but his face didn't look too happy.

"Where did you sleep last night?" He asked.

Busted.

"In your old room." I was kinda shocked at Nessie. Unless she was doing some serious blocking, which was probably blown by my failure to, Edward already knew she was lying. "I just woke up. I came down to see Jacob."

Well - I had to try not to smile - she hadn't technically lied. I had taught her well. She just gave the facts in the wrong order.

But Edward . . . didn't bust her on it. He just walked over and kissed her forehead. My face probably looked about as confused as Nessie until I saw Bella wink and tap the side of her head.

She was blocking us! Thank you, Bells, I owe you forever. I wasn't used to not being able to bask in the beauty that was Nessie safely inside my own head. Thankfully, I had that freedom again.

Nessie was happy too, I guess, because she hopped up and ran to Bella, giving her a monster hug. I heard her clearly whisper thanks into Bella's ear.

Bells asked if Ness was hungry right as my stomach let out a huge growl. Oh, well, it always did speak for itself.

"I think someone else is too," Nessie laughed.

Bells asked what she wanted and Nessie deferred her to me, saying she wanted to shower first. I loved that girl. I told her I wouldn't say no to some eggs; hadn't had any in a while, but that I wanted to shower and change first too.

"Wouldn't have to torture Blondie with the dog smell more than necessary," I added, since I smelled them approaching and knew they'd be close enough to hear.

"Yes, because the wet dog smell is so much more appetizing," she shot back, smiling her sweet smile at Nessie and wishing her good morning.

I wanted to tell her that Nessie, at least, liked the wet dog smell, but I didn't think the family was ready for that just yet. I decided to pretend I was offended Blondie hadn't wished me good morning instead.

And well, if you're going to do something, you might as well do it right.

"Morning, Blondie!" I tried to make my voice into that sound people who like to wake up early in the morning have, but I think it was too deep for that. "I hope your morning is fabulous and filled with baby kittens and roses."

You had to talk like that to them for them to understand. Too many fashion shows with, um . . . flamboyant designers. I think it was the first time in my life I ever said fabulous.

She replied back that she hoped my morning was filled with sharp, pointy things and falls from great heights, which I didn't think was very nice at all. You tried to be nice to a bloodsucker . . .

"I love you too, snookums," I murmured. I guess it was directed at Blondie, but in my mind I was picturing Nessie. Except that I'd never call her snookums.

Nessie laughed and I reckoned it was worth it.

Bells told us to hurry up and left with Edward into the kitchen. He didn't even shoot us a dirty look as he left - I was impressed. Nessie asked me if I had my stuff, which reminded me. I waggled my eyebrows at her in the positive, then grabbed my bag and followed her up the stairs.

Nessie dashed into Edward's old room that was basically Nessie's now and came back with her bag, and then I followed her to the pixie and Prozac's room. I wasn't sure why, since I was using the other shower, but . . . I just didn't want to leave her.

"You going first or d'you want to use the other bathroom?" Nessie asked, pulling fresh clothes from her bag.

"I'll use the other bathroom," I told her. "Don't want to freak Edward out."

Nessie looked confused for a second. Then she took a few steps closer.

"Yeah, okay." Then she tilted her face up towards me, in that way that meant she wanted a kiss. "Come here."

Of course, I couldn't deny her anything so I closed the space between us and leaned down so our lips could meet. Nessie reached up and put her hand on my cheek, not showing me anything, just touching.

"Thank you," she said quietly when I pulled away. Then she mouthed, _For letting me sleep with you._

I could help but laugh a little. I decided it was safe to say, "Thank you for coming down. I was missing you so bad."

Hey, I could have been talking about this morning, right?

"When Alice gets back, are you going to ask her if I can go with you?"

"Sure, sure." Of course I would, if that was what she wanted.

"What all do you have to do in La Push?"

"I need to go see some of the guys from the pack." I moved so Nessie could lean into my chest, mostly so she wouldn't have to look at my face. "See my sister, make sure she's all right. I wanna go see Billy."

And tell you, explain to you, _somehow_ . . . that I have to leave you.

Nessie looked straight up at me. "I'm coming with you."

I leaned down and kissed her softly, pressing my bottom lip in between hers. So perfect.

"Let's just talk to Alice first. Actually, let's get showers and then go eat first, 'cause I'm damn hungry."

"Fine, you wolf." Nessie pushed herself off of my chest and looked me up and down in a way I liked. "Go get clean."

How did she make that sound sexy?

I was turning to do as she told me when I felt her tiny hand fisted in the back of my shirt. I turned around and Nessie bounded up onto her toes, gripping my shoulders to kiss me one more time.

Then she let me go, turned around, and walked her fine self back to the bathroom. I just watched her go. I loved her _so _much.

How in the hell was I gonna tell her?

* * *

**Coming up:**

I was shaking. I was so, so close to phasing. I barely remember yanking the car over to the side of the road and got out.

I could fight, go to war and fight for Nessie and kill every goddamn bloodsucker in the universe to make Nessie safe, but none of it would make a bit of difference if Nessie wasn't safe from _herself._ How could - how could I resign myself to dying for her if I was afraid she'd try to follow me?

I felt rage and grief and undeniable love bubble and swell up inside me, until I felt like exploding. Not like the phase, literally exploding. My skin and muscle and bone and sinew and all of it - just combust from pure fear.

I felt control slipping from my fingers - I could shift the universe. I could and I would, if I had to do it for Ness. I could stop the rain, move a mountain if I had to for her. I could die for her, I would die for her and I was okay with that.

But after that, I _couldn't help her_. If I died, _who_ would help her?


	44. Eleven Different Kinds of Crazy

**_A/N: _**All right, y'all. After this chapter, you've got a lot of fresh scenes coming up! And I'm gonna go ahead and warn you - the chapters get out of whack. Our of whack meaning the numbers don't match up with HoM. It irritates me to no end, but I doubt it's as bothering for you. I still don't like it, but there's not much I can do about it. :) Jacob thinks too much.

You find out in the next chapter where Jacob get his "magic" condoms from, so I'm gonna do something I haven't done in a long time and have a **special mention** in the next chapter of whoever guesses right. So give me your theories, girls!

I always have a ton to say until I actually get one here. I'm going to start keeping notes. Anyway, as you can tell from the coming up or your own memories, the Edward/Jacob convo is next chapter. Gasp! I know a few of you have been waiting for it. The coming up is my absolute favorite excerpt from it.

Also, dudettes, follow me on twitter (link in profile) for _HoM/Undeniable/Kisses_ updates, along with anything new I may be working on (hinthint) and what I'm eating for lunch. :)

**_Disclaimer:_** It is mine. I own it. I am the Queen of Twilight, a one Stephanie Meyer. And now . . . I'm not. (Don't judge me, I get bored of writing the same things over and over and I can't just leave it out - I've got a system by now.)

* * *

Eleven Different Kinds of Crazy

* * *

_give me a moment, please  
to tame your wild, wild heart_

_- savage garden, crash and burn_

-

I rolled over what I would say and how I would say it the entire time I was in the shower. I was so consumed with this that the fact that Nessie was naked in the shower only a few yards away from me only half-bothered me. It was easy to push the urge away.

I finally figured that I'd take Nessie to the beach. After we sorted everything out with the pack and I had explained it all to them. Nessie could stay in the house with Emily and my sister or whoever of the women were there, since we wouldn't be far. Just in the woods in the back of the house.

So that would take a few hours, at least, maybe more depending on how the pack took it. Then - I was rethinking visiting Billy's grave now. That could be put off to another day, couldn't it? I mean, I'd already said my goodbyes . . . and all of that drama along with the rest of it would be trying.

But I planned to take Nessie to First Beach, relax a little, maybe even get Emily to pack us some food if I could manage it. Then I'd explain it to her - calmly, carefully. I'd be prepared for all her questions, make sure she knew that she last thing on earth that I wanted to do was leave her, but that I had to. And that I would do my damnedest to make sure everything was safe for her . . . and to come back.

I knew Nessie loved me, I didn't doubt it for a second, but I knew Nessie was also very responsible. And much, much more mature than she'd been a few months ago.

I planned it all out perfectly, but none of it ever happened. Because we hadn't been on the drive to La Push for three minutes, barely turned onto the highway when Nessie asked, "Jacob, are you glad to be home?"

Nessie was glad to be home, and so I was glad too. So it wasn't a lie when I said, "I am."

Nessie turned in her seat to face me, holding my hand in both of hers.

"What's wrong, Jake?" Oh, no. No, not now, Nessie. Not right now. I'm not ready. "Please tell me what's going on - all of it. Don't worry about me getting scared or being worried or - or anything."

I couldn't say anything, so I was silent. I wouldn't be like Edward was with Bella; I wouldn't hide things from Nessie, I wouldn't lie. I wouldn't treat Nessie like she was stupid, like she didn't deserve to know. Especially not when she asked it of me like that . . .

"The Volturi are coming," I finally decided to say, since Nessie already knew that part and it was how I planned to segue into the rest. "You know that."

Nessie nodded, her face losing some of its softness. She was trying not to show it, but my Ness was nervous. I had to comfort her, assure her, before the rest came.

"Nessie, honey, you're gonna be safe, you know that?"

I will never, _ever_ let anything happen to you.

"I know that." Nessie shook my hand a little, urging me on. "Just, Jake, please. Don't start keeping things from me now."

See - there it was. I had to say it.

"Nessie . . . baby." Honey, sweetie, darling, love. "I don't want you to be afraid, not even for a second." I couldn't take my eyes off of her face. "But there's . . . there's . . . "

"Just tell me, Jake."

Here we go. I'm so sorry, Ness.

"There's gonna be a war."

Nessie's heart faltered. Her face drained. I couldn't read her expression.

"Nessie?" Please look at me, honey. Please look at anything, just don't be so blank. "Nessie, the only reason I told you was because you deserved to know. You're grown up now, but - but I still don't want you to worry. Please don't."

"But you are."

"I'm just trying to figure out some stuff in my head." It wasn't a lie, but it almost was.

"Who - " Nessie stopped, breathed in deep. Some of the color came back into her cheeks. "Who's going to fight this war?"

"We are," I answered without hesitation, before I realize how that could be taken. "We, as in us. Not you. Not you, Nessie."

Then Nessie said the one single thing that I didn't want, couldn't deal with hearing her say.

"Why not me?"

"Don't start that shit, Nessie!" I wouldn't tolerate it. I wouldn't let her start it. That shit about going out and helping and _fighting_. I never really commanded Nessie, but I would command her now. "Don't you start with that _fucking shit_."

And she _would_ obey me.

"What are you talking about?"

What was I talking about? _What was I talking about?_

"I don't wanna hear a goddamn thing about you fighting or going or doing anything, do you hear me?"

The emotions flitted past Nessie's face almost too fast for me to recognize each one. Shock, love, confusion, love, hurt, love, fear, love.

Then fear again.

"But I suppose you think you're going to fight in this war?"

What did she think? That I'd sit on the rez, watching football while her life was at risk? "Of course I am."

"No, Jacob, you can't." I looked away from Nessie's shining eyes, but I couldn't tune out her begging voice. "There has to be another way - you're not fighting, what if - what if - "

What Nessie didn't realize was that I had considered all the what-if's already.

"Nessie, I have to - you don't understand, it's what I am." I held her hand, the largest connection I had right now, tighter. "I'm your defender."

Your protector. Your imprint. Your Alpha.

"No, you're mine!" Nessie shouted, shocking me. "You're mine, Jacob, and you're not - you can't - "

"I can, Nessie." She had to know that. She was the only one who had a chance in hell of making me change my mind and I _couldn't_ change my mind, so she had to know that. "I will. I will fight for you and you will _not_ do anything stupid and we're not going to discuss this anymore."

So stop, Nessie. Just stop.

Nessie's breath hitched. Then, "What if you die?"

Like I hadn't thought about it. I let go of Nessie's hand and said the first and only lie I ever told her. "I won't."

"You can't - you can't say that." I knew, from her voice, that she was close to crying now. I couldn't look. "It's a war, Jacob."

"I - I'll be as careful as I can," I swore, which was the truth. I would do whatever was possible to get back to Ness, after I had assured she was safe. But - "But I'm going to fight, and if something happens - "

I'll die knowing you're safe. I'll die knowing I died to make you safe.

"I'll die too!"

I literally felt a crack in my chest, like a fissure opening up. I couldn't, couldn't, _could not_ hear shit like that. She would not say shit like that.

"Nessie, stop it," I commanded her. "You - "

"I will, Jacob." No. "I'll kill myself if you die, Jacob, I can't - "

No. _No._

"NESSIE, STOP IT!"

Nessie flew back in her seat, shocked by the volume of my shout I'm sure, but I was past caring at that point. I couldn't even feel anything besides the gaping, cavernous hole that opened in my chest. The emptiness that threatened to take my brain over at the idea of a world without Nessie in it. Even if I wasn't in it anymore either.

I was shaking. I was so, so close to phasing. I barely remember yanking the car over to the side of the road and getting out.

I could fight, go to war and fight for Nessie, and kill every goddamn bloodsucker in the universe to make Nessie safe, but none of it would make a bit of difference if Nessie wasn't safe from _herself._ How could - how could I resign myself to dying for her if I was afraid she'd try to follow me?

I felt rage and grief and undeniable love bubble and swell up inside me, until I felt like exploding. Not like the phase, literally exploding. My skin and muscle and bone and sinew and all of it - just combust from pure fear.

I felt control slipping from my fingers. I could shift the universe - I could and I would, if I had to do it for Ness. I could stop the rain, move a mountain if I had to for her. I could die for her, I would die for her, and I was okay with that.

But after that, I _couldn't help her_. If I died, _who_ would help her?

"Jacob?"

That voice. That beautiful, magical voice. But instead of soothing me, all I could imagine was if that voice didn't exist - if it was silenced, blacked out, never to speak or be heard again.

And I _couldn't stand it_.

I growled and kicked the tire. I don't know how I didn't fucking bust it.

The only sound on the empty Forks roads were the crickets chirping and Nessie's shallow breath. And her heartbeat, consistent and there and very much alive.

I knew Nessie was probably only talking - afraid and heartbroken and desperate. Just like me. But she couldn't - I would _not _allow her to have those thoughts in her head.

I made a decision. I straightened up and walked towards Nessie.

There was fear in her eyes, maybe fear of me, and I would be ashamed of that later. But now, I would use it.

"You will not say anything like that to me again." Nessie's body shook, the smallest amount. A shiver. "You will not allow anything to happen to yourself."

If you love me. If you have ever given a damn about me or anything else in this universe, then you will listen to me now.

The tears that had been hovering in Nessie's eyes for awhile now spilled over.

"You won't even think anything like that again." I stepped closer. She was so, so small compared with me. "Do you think I want to die? Do you think I want to leave you?"

My voice fucking broke on the word. Weak, pathetic, useless and fucking powerless just like me. Nessie was silent.

"Answer me!"

She sucked in a shaky breath, her eyes wide. Then she finally almost-whispered, "It looks like it."

How - how could she think that? How - how - ?

"The thought of leaving you alone kills me!" I had never shouted at Nessie like this. Not even the night Billy died, the night everything fell apart and came together at the same time. "The thought of being without you for even a few hours makes me sick to my stomach! I need you like a fucking pulse, Nessie, but there are more important things than what I need!"

More tears brimmed and spilled over from her beautiful eyes. My heart contracted. Pulsed.

"I need you too!"

I felt something inside me . . . soften.

"I'm not going out there with a death wish, but those fuckers are coming for you and I'll be damned if I'm going to sit and let it happen!"

"We can run again," Nessie breathed, whispering. Pleading. She stepped closer to me, holding out her hand. Tempting me with a future I already knew was a dead-end. "Now, if you want. Right now. Just - just don't do this, Jacob."

I shook my head, hard and fast, to shake the idea, the fantasy of a plan I knew wouldn't work out.

"Doesn't work." Remember that, Jake. It doesn't work. "Nothing but fighting works, Nessie. Alice saw it."

"I hate this!" Nessie screamed. I had never seen her like this. This wild and this hurt and this angry and this beautiful. "I hate this so goddamn much! It was supposed to be better now! I hate how you're acting, like you love me more than I love you! I hate everything!"

Suddenly, I couldn't shout anymore. "You don't think I hate it too?"

Nessie sobbed, a broken sound, and I suddenly couldn't watch her like that anymore. I had to have her, hold her, try somehow to fix some of the damage I had just caused.

Before my heart could beat, I had her up against the side of the car. Lifted her and pressed her against it, holding her there with my body. This is where she belonged. Here. Against me. Here.

This is where her lips belonged. Against mine.

I pressed mine close, not kissing her, but close.

"You have to trust me, Nessie." I can't do this without you, honey. I can't fight the world and you too. I need you, Nessie, I need your love so bad. "There's a war coming and there's nothing we can do about it. I don't want to fight with you."

Nessie's eyelids fluttered, more tears rushing down, but then her eyes cleared. I knew she was really seeing me then.

"Me either, Jacob, but I can't - "

"I love you, honey." I pressed my lips closer, brushing hers, but still not kissing. If I kissed her now, I wouldn't be able to resurface. "You're my Ness, I love you so much - but you're not going to change my mind. Don't fight with me, please."

Then Nessie's body . . . relaxed against mine. All of the tension and fight and all of it - it was like it drained right out.

"How - how long do we have?"

That was a question I didn't want to answer, but it was music to my ears. It was Nessie's acceptance, her submission and I was so, so gloriously happy in that moment that I couldn't breathe. I kissed her, hard, cupping her face with my hands since my body was holding hers firmly against the car.

My eyes were burning, but I fought the sensation back. Nessie's fingers scrambling along my back and her legs around my waist and her tears wetting my cheeks made it hard though - I think a few fell. Nessie kissed me without abandon, her tongue reaching out and exploring and touching my lips and tongue boldly. No one was being shy right now.

Finally, I pulled back. I kept my forehead against hers, so we were close. Her breath felt comforting against my face.

"How long do we have, Jacob?"

I kissed her again, to prepare myself for what I had to tell her. My tongue darting out to taste along her bottom lip and then slightly farther inside before I pulled back again.

"Two weeks."

Nessie's breath rushed out of her with a little sigh. Her eyes were glassy, like she wasn't even here with me. Then they focused, her beautiful, hypnotizing eyes lifting up to meet mine. There was a . . . determination in them I'd never seen before.

"Let's get married."

My heart literally faltered. I took a second to remember to breathe.

"Now?"

Nessie just nodded. It faltered again, but not in a good way. I didn't want to have to do this, let Nessie down again. Not when it was something I wanted so badly too - but it just wasn't . . . wasn't possible.

"Nessie, we can't - we can't . . . plan a wedding - "

"I don't want a wedding," Nessie said hurriedly, straining up to kiss me again. I was too shocked to even kiss her back. "I don't want anything but you, Jacob. Let's - let's get married. Please."

"I - I don't think - "

I wanted to. God knows I wanted to. I wanted to take this woman and rush her off to the nearest church or courthouse or what the hell ever and make her mine, in law and name and blood and everything else. But -

"Jacob, we have two weeks." Did she think I didn't know? That I had forgotten? "Only two weeks. Who knows what might happen after that. I - please."

I was speechless. Could I? Could I marry her?

Then Nessie's face . . . dropped. "Do you - do you not want to marry me?"

"Of course I do!" What did she think? The reason I was telling her no was because I didn't _want to_? "I - you know I do, Nessie, but I don't want you to - to rush into anything just because - "

"Because you're going off to fight a war?" Her eyes stunned me. "Jacob, don't think about what we should do or going too fast or whether I'm ready or anything. What do you want to do? Do you really want to . . . leave me and go off and fight without having . . . loved each other all the way?"

"I already love you all the way, Nessie," I answered immediately, on reflex, but it wasn't completely true. I could . . . I could love her so much more. If we were married . . .

And she was making too much sense. She was appealing to my selfishness, my desire to have her on every level - before I might never get the chance to have her again.

"You know what I mean." I did. I knew. "I want to be with you, Jake. And I want to . . . I don't want it to be just words. I want . . . to make a choice and choose you and have it final. I want you to be my husband."

It made too much sense. _She_ made too much sense.

I closed my eyes and leaned in until our foreheads were touching again. I brushed my nose and lips against hers, close. So close.

But the thing was, it didn't. It made no sense at all. To promise myself, dedicate myself to Nessie forever knowing that in a few short weeks I could be gone. Dead. It was misleading her into a future that might not exist, it was tying her to me in a way I had no right to before I could promise her a future. It was selfish and impulsive and everything else. But - but -

I still wanted to.

And her words, her saying it out loud like that, it just made it seem all so possible. Like we could just go find a preacher and in an hour we could be man and wife. I'd dreamed and fantasized about marrying Nessie, but it had never been so much of a reality until now.

"Are - are you absolutely sure, Nessie?"

Why was I saying that? Was I contemplating it - marrying Nessie? Could I? Could I even do it?

"So sure." Her voice was sure. Her heart was pounding. "So, so sure, Jacob."

That was it .

I - I nodded my head. "Okay."

"Okay? Okay what?"

I was gonna do it.

"Will - damn it." I had already messed this up the first time around - I still didn't have a ring, but I wouldn't forget the other main part. I set Nessie on the ground and then dropped to my knees before her. I took her hand and watched her eyes. "Will you marry me, Nessie?"

Even after Nessie had just begged me to marry her, why was I still nervous?

"Yes." I couldn't breathe. "Yes, Jacob, yes!"

My body drained. I brought Nessie's hand to my lips, kissing it with all of the love I felt for her and that was a damn lot. Then I just leaned forward and buried my face in her stomach, wrapping my arms tight around her.

It was so . . . so much like home. She was so safe and so here and so . . . about to be my wife. This was insane. Crazy on every level - my love for Nessie was constantly surprising me, and it didn't fail me now.

I had never felt joy like this.

I felt Nessie's fingers in my hair a second later, that amazing, soothing feeling. Then she was tugging, pulling my head upward to face her.

"I love you." The way she said it - so firm, so sure, like it was the most important thing she'd ever say - if I was standing up, it would have brought me to my knees. "So much. I - thank you, Jacob."

Thank me? Me?

Suddenly, I didn't feel drained anymore. Nessie's love and promise and words energized me and I could have ran the globe. I stood up, still holding Nessie tight against me, and spun her. I had to do it - I couldn't contain myself, I had to find some way to express everything that was building up inside me.

"I can't believe you - actually want me - actually love me - that much, I - don't have words - "

"Stop, Jacob," Nessie said quietly. I stopped spinning her immediately. Since the way I was holding her made her higher than me, Nessie leaned down and kissed my eyes. "Of - of course I want you. Forever."

I stretched my head up to kiss her soft lips, then I forced myself to set her down.

"Well, then, I think the trip to La Push is off." I ran my hands over Nessie's shoulders, down her arms and over the blades of her upper back. "We need to go find your parents. I think we've got some news."

And they better take it well, because there was no way in hell I was waiting now.

"Really?" Nessie exclaimed, and I nodded. The happiness on her face alone was enough to make me grin. "Oh!"

And then she was in my arms, her arms tight around my neck and her lips against mine. I reached an arm around her to hold her tight around the hips and kissed her back, opening my lips to her searching tongue. Our tongues touched for the briefest seconds before Nessie broke the kiss. She was panting.

She kissed me two more times, then she gave a breathy laugh. "Well, let's go then."

I don't think I'd ever drove so fast.

I hoped they all would take it well, because I wasn't sure their anger was going to stop me at this point. Not if Nessie was willing. I was marrying this girl today.

Funny how I was so determined when fifteen minutes ago the idea seemed impossible to me.

"Momma!" Nessie shouted as soon as we made it through the door. "Daddy!"

I could smell them, I knew they were in the house, and with Nessie's shout, her heart didn't have time to beat twice before they were there. All of them.

"Renesmee, what - is something wrong - ?"

"No, Momma, no." Nessie dragged me over to her parents. "Jake - Jacob told me what happened. About the war, and we've . . . we've decided to get married. Now."

Here it goes.

Surprisingly, Edward's head didn't combust.

"Renesmee, this isn't the time, under such stress, to be making these kinds of decisions - "

"The decision was already made, Daddy." I loved this girl. "Another one just forced it into action. Please, Daddy, understand."

I was pretty sure - no, I knew - that Nessie would marry me anyway, even without her family's support. I knew that her love for me was that strong, but - I would never do that to her.

And it wasn't her place to do the talking with Edward. It was mine.

I caught him just before he went to open his mouth. "Can I talk to you for a minute, Edward?"

Thankfully, he nodded, flitting his eyes back to Nessie one last time before heading towards the door. I squeezed Nessie's hand once before I followed him.

Here was my chance. I had to do this, for Nessie. I'd done it before - talked Edward down from a ledge. Convincing him to be okay with me marrying his grown daughter was likely to be a lot easier than convincing him I _didn't_ want to marry his newborn daughter.

Well, I hoped.

For Nessie, please, please let it be.

* * *

**Coming up:**

"And what if you die?" He asked bluntly, and it didn't sting as much as I thought it would. "What do you think that would do to Renesmee then?"

"Hurt her," I answered automatically, only then the pain starting to filter in. "Pretty fucking bad. But . . . it's gonna hurt her just as bad if I die while we're like we are now. So why won't you let me make her as happy as possible for a few weeks, Edward? What do you have against that?"

"Don't try to make me the villain for being concerned, Jacob!" Edward warned.

"Don't try to make me the villain for being the thing your daughter loves more than you!"


	45. Full Moon, Frog Liver Birth Control

**_A/N:_** Hello, hello. How are you girls doing? Here's a chapter I think you've all been waiting for. The Edward/Jacob conversation. I really, really like it, that goes for the lyrics for this chapter too. I think they fit perfectly, and a thanks goes out to my friend Katie for pointing me towards the song.

This is mostly fresh scenes, as you would expect, since Nessie and Jacob were separated from each other for most of the day. There will be quite a few revelations as this day unfolds. Not all in this chapter, of course. It is a pretty long day. :)

**_Disclaime_****_r:_** I own nothing. At all. :) And that's it for now. I'm sorry, I know the quality of my disclaimers have greatly decreased.

**_Dedication:_** And I believe I had a little contest last chapter like old times, to see who could guess where Jacob got his "magic" condoms from. So shout-outs to** lilli kitty**, **gizll**, my girl **Charlotte Webber**, and **angelicmethod**, who got it right. In that order. Congrats, girls - this chapter goes out to you!

* * *

Full Moon, Frog Liver Birth Control

* * *

_in her eyes i'm prince charming  
but to him, i'm just some fella  
riding in and stealing cinderella_

_- chuck wicks, stealing cinderella_

_-_

"So?" Edward asked as soon as we were out of Nessie's hearing range. "What do you have to say to me, Jacob?"

"I want to ask . . . no, I want to know why it is you have a problem with this."

Maybe being defensive wasn't the best way to do this, but it was already done.

"A problem with what, _Jacob_?" If Nessie made my name sound like a prayer, Edward made it sound like a curse. "The fact that you want to marry my _seven-year-old_ daughter on the eve of a war and what might be your death? Don't you think she might be rushing into things?"

"First of all," I said, feeling my anger bubble up in me. I wasn't about to let anybody, least of all Edward, make me feel like my love with Nessie was wrong. "She's not your average seven-year-old and you fucking know that. So don't try and pull that shit on me and make me out like I've taken advantage of her, because if you really thought that I wouldn't be standing here right now!"

The stone of Edward's face seemed . . . just a little less stone-like. He nodded. "Okay. You're right about that."

I know I was. And I wasn't done.

"And second of all, you're right - I just might die. I probably will." I stepped closer. I knew Edward was stronger than me in this form, but I took satisfaction in being taller than him. "And even though I'd do anything to keep her from it besides lie to her, your daughter knows that. And for some crazy reason, she loves me, and so that hurts her. And _she wants to marry me_."

"She's too young - "

"She's not going to get any older!" I remembered to keep my voice down, so Nessie wouldn't be able to hear. "And you know what? I might not either. Do you honestly think anything will be different in a year, if I'm even still here?"

"I don't think Renesmee will . . . change her mind, if that's what you're saying." He looked like he didn't want to admit it. "I don't think you're a bad man, Jacob, and I know you'll treat my daughter right. I'd kill you if you didn't."

"Then what's the problem?" I asked, suddenly not feeling so combative. "I love her more than my life and you know that - if somehow you don't, I'll march right in there and have Bella take the shield down and I'll show you all of it. All of it, Edward."

"I've already seen it." Edward shifted his posture, ran his fingers through his hair. "I - I just don't want to lose her. I feel like you're - you're trying to _take_ her from me when we've only just got her back."

"Edward, I would never take Nessie from you - and it's not because I give a damn about any of you." The happiness that flashed through Nessie's eyes when she found out we were going home flitted through my brain. "It's because Nessie _loves_ you, more than she loves herself. When we first left, she had fucking nightmares about you burning to death that left her shaking. I would _never_ take anything Nessie loved away from her."

Edward nodded, like he was thinking to himself.

"And what if you die?" He asked bluntly, and it didn't sting as much as I thought it would. "What do you think that would do to Renesmee then?"

"Hurt her," I answered automatically, only then the pain starting to filter in. "Pretty fucking bad. But . . . it's gonna hurt her just as bad if I die while we're like we are now. So why won't you let me make her as happy as possible for a few weeks, Edward? What do you have against that?"

"Don't try to make me the villain for being concerned, Jacob!" Edward warned.

"Don't try to make me the villain for being the thing your daughter loves more than you!"

I didn't mean to say it, even though I had no doubt in my mind that it was true. I wasn't a beast - it must, it had to be hard for any parent to know they weren't number one in their child's life. And most parents got a good fifteen years before they had to prepare themselves for that.

But well - and maybe even I was just starting to realize this - I had always been Nessie's number one. They all came in scarily close seconds, but there was always that distinction.

I didn't want to rub that in Edward's face. I just wanted him to let me make Nessie happy, to let me be happy and understand and love my girl while I still had some time left. I hadn't meant to be cruel - and while I'd said a lot of insulting things to Edward over the years, that was probably the cruelest.

I'd never felt the need to apologize to Edward before, but now I did.

"Edward - "

"You're right, Jacob," he said, looking less stone-like now than he had for the entire conversation. "I think that's what bothered me so much - that I never . . . got to be that in her life, to be her number one, her superhero. It was always you, even from the very beginning."

"You're her superhero too," I found myself saying. Never thought I'd see the day I was comforting a vampire. "Just . . . in a different way. I - what I said, I didn't mean it like that . . . "

"You did, and that's okay." Edward looked up and sighed. Took a step back. "Nessie loves you most - so that means you can make her the happiest, but also that you can hurt her the worst."

I nodded. I knew that, and I took that seriously.

"I'll let you make her happy, Jacob, but if you hurt her . . . I will kill you." He held out his hand. It took my brain a second to recognize the action. When I did, I took it.

"You know I won't." Not on purpose. Not while I'm alive.

"I do." His icy fingers gripped mine firmly, complete opposites, like the two sides of Renesmee. If you mixed us, she was what you got - only a thousand times more perfect. "But I still have to say it. I give you permission to marry my daughter, Jacob Black."

Then the corners of his mouth turned down . . . just a little. An almost-smile.

I was just so happy that I had succeeded, that now Nessie would be so happy her father was supporting her, that I couldn't help but grin. I gripped his hand harder.

"Like I needed it."

"Mm." Edward rolled his eyes, and just like that . . . we were good.

Really? Could it be that easy?

I knew it wasn't - but, I guess, when a war was coming, you had to put the pettier shit aside. You had to put it aside for the bigger picture - for Nessie.

She was like the star we all revolved around. She was the reason for everything. I led Edward back into the house to give my girl the good news.

Edward looked straight at Nessie. "Okay."

"Okay?" I heard the barely-concealed hope in her voice.

"You and Jacob . . . have my blessing."

"Oh, Daddy!" It was worth it - so worth it to see the light in Nessie's eyes as she threw her arms around Edward. "Thank you so, so much! You don't know how much this means! I just want us all to be happy together!"

Happy together. And we would be - for two weeks.

"So . . . " I remembered that scary-ass voice. The last time I heard that voice was when I'd made the mistake of keeping Charlie and Sue's wedding from Alice. "Does that mean that there isn't going to be a wedding?"

"I - I don't think so, Aunt Alice." To Nessie's credit, she didn't sound very scared. My main focus had been Edward and Bella - I hadn't even thought about that crazy thing. "We - we weren't thinking about . . . we just want to be married."

"You sound just like your mother." The pixie strutted up to Nessie and I saw her cling to Edward tighter. I straightened myself up more. She had one strike. "You want to get married today, right, Nessie? Here?"

Nessie just kind of looked around. We hadn't talked about the details. Hell, we'd just made up our mind ten minutes ago.

"I - I don't know."

"Renesmee, if I may? The doc cut in. Nessie looked at me and smiled - I guess she trusted him to give us a solution. And if Nessie trusted him -

"Hit it, Doctor Vamp."

Carlisle smiled - see, that's why I liked him most. Edward always got pissy when I called him Eddie-boy.

"You, Renesmee, are in actuality, seven and a half years old." Okay, listen now, if we were gonna bring up that again - "This alone will prevent you from getting legally married. You could, of course, use false documents, but that technically wouldn't be legal and marriage licenses can sometimes take up to a week to process."

A week? I couldn't wait a week. I didn't think Nessie could either.

"Or - " Yes, yes, or. "I can draw up a wedding contract of sorts here and you and Jacob both can sign it and we can have a small ceremony or whatever you wish. It's technically legally binding and from a religious standpoint, you would be considered married." I'd probably messed it up pretty bad for myself already, but I'd do whatever I could to keep Nessie good with God. "Would that be suitable?"

Nessie's eyes immediately found mine. I shrugged, giving the decision over to her. This was as good as a situation as we could hope for, but it was ultimately Nessie's decision.

"That's great, Grandpa!" Yes.

Alice stepped back in front of Nessie.

"Okay, then, it's ten o'clock in the morning now." Yeah, and I want to be married by ten-thirty. I literally felt like I couldn't wait any longer. "Give me six hours, Nessie, please." Six hours? "It won't be perfection as I'm capable of, but it'll be halfway acceptable." Nessie being there would make it perfection regardless. "Nessie, if you love me at all, please."

"Okay, Aunt Alice, but it had better be ready by four o'clock or I'm finding Grandpa Carlisle and going ahead with it anyway." Okay, I - I guess I could do that for Nessie. Six hours to give Nessie a wedding? I would wait. "Right, Jake?"

"Right, babe." Nessie knew I'd follow her anywhere, agree with her on anything.

Alice made a very high-pitched squealing noise that I, because I was part canine, could unfortunately hear. Then she grabbed Nessie in a hug. When she let her go, she straightened up into posture that reminded me of a drill-sergeant.

Uh-oh.

"All right, all right." She was in a room full of vampires and werewolves who were standing right next to her - did she have to yell? "First thing, it's your wedding day - the bride and groom can't see each other!" What - ? "Nessie, Jacob, close your eyes!"

Oh, hell, I was really getting married.

Nessie spun around quickly to smile and me one more time before Alice's hands closed over her eyes. Nessie let her pixie aunt pull her slowly backwards towards the stairs and I just watched her go - the next time I saw her, she would be becoming my wife.

Emmett made a move toward me like he wanted to cover my eyes, but I shot him a look and he quit, laughing.

"See you soon, Jake!"

"See you soon, Ness."

God, she was so beautiful. And somehow - and I think this would always surprise me - she wanted me.

Soon, Nessie was out of sight. My heart sank, just a little. Six hours. Half an hour ago, the possibility that I would get married - ever - were slim. And now - I couldn't wait.

An icy cold hand on my cheek snapped me out of my Nessie-trance. It was Bells.

"I think we're needed upstairs." She smiled a smile that kind of made her look how she used to, before she was cold and hard and dead. I was glad she was though - she was happy and I got my soul mate. I guess she had been right about her and Edward being soul mates - because their coming together produced Nessie, mine. "My daughter's getting married today!"

"So I heard." Was it weird that I couldn't smile? It wasn't because I wasn't happy - I was ecstatic - but my stomach felt like it was shaking.

She patted my cheek, and I did my best not to flinch against it. For a vamp, it was more like a slap. If Bella punched me in the nose now, it'd definitely hurt. Good thing I had no interest in kissing anyone but Nessie ever again.

Bells, Momma Vamp, and Blondie left then, following the path Nessie had taken up the stairs. And I was left with Eddie-boy, Doctor Vamp, Undead Prozac, and Monkey man.

What in the hell was I gonna do with them for six hours? I mean, we'd spent uncountable hours together in the past, but now all I could think about was being married and somewhere alone with my Ness.

But alone where? That was something to consider.

I turned around and faced the guys. I shrugged, for lack of anything else to do.

"So what do I do for six hours?" I asked the room in general.

"We can watch the game," Emmett suggested and I nodded.

I threw myself down on the couch and pointed my eyes in the direction of the TV, but I wasn't seeing anything. I didn't even know what sport was playing, let alone the teams. How was I supposed to do anything besides obsess over what Nessie was doing?

Was she excited? Nervous? Was she regretting her decision?

God, how was I going to do this?

No one said anything. Edward and the doc sat down with us in the living room and we all pretended to watch the television. About five minutes later, I heard light steps coming down the stairs. Too light to be Nessie, and besides, I didn't smell her, but I still looked up hopefully anyway.

It was Blondie. She glided over to where we were, grabbed a set of keys off the table, spun around, took Emmett by the hand and pulled him up and away with her out the door. He followed her happily enough, no questions asked.

Bells came down next. She murmured something about Alice having sent her to get some stuff from the cottage; she held her hand out to Edward, offering him to go with her. He took it and kissed it, but shook his head.

"I'll stay with Jacob."

And the thing was, I didn't think it was to keep an eye on me or make sure I didn't whisk Nessie away to a courthouse or anything. I think he was just being nice.

I shook my head.

"No, no, you go, Edward." I didn't want him thinking he had to entertain me. And honestly, right now I was pretty unentertainable. "I just . . . I kinda want to be inside my own head right now."

"You sure?"

I rolled my eyes. "Go with Bella - we all know she wants you to. Look at her."

Bella turned her face and her eyes got a little shyer. But Edward stood up and took her hand. I'm sure whatever Alice sent them to get at the cottage would take about two hours to find now.

With Prozac having wandered off somewhere (he really did like to be to himself, didn't he?), it was just me and Doctor Vamp. He stood up after only like two seconds.

"Well, Jacob, I'll - be in my study if you need me."

"Thanks, Doc." I didn't see why I'd need him, but I appreciated the thought I guess.

My brain started to wander . . . to . . . well, to tonight. By sunset, if all went as planned and Nessie didn't come to her senses, we would be married. That was so insane. It was what I had been waiting for, the chance to be as close to Nessie as it was possible to get . . . well. Besides . . .

I didn't expect . . . anything. Our relationship was defined by Nessie; she was the variable that decided the outcome. Whatever she wanted, we did. But I had the feeling Nessie would want to . . . well.

The possibility that tonight, less than twelve hours from when I got up this morning, I could be making love to Nessie, as my wife, was pretty damn appealing. And nerve-wracking in a way I'd never felt before.

First of all, where would we go? The cottage if Edward would agree, one of the two hotels in town, and my house were all options. I think the hotels were out. They'd always have a special place in my heart since hotel rooms were where most of my relationship with Nessie was built, but I wanted somewhere . . . permanent for our first night . . . together. Even if we weren't exactly together-together.

The cottage would be weird. I mean, that was Bella and Edward's house. How could I, as a man, take my new wife to her own house for our wedding night? It just . . . I couldn't.

So that left my house. I doubt that Rachel had been staying there - all the money in my bank account says she'd been staying with Paul since . . . Billy, but I'd still have to call her anyway. I couldn't just wander into La Push like everything was cool and have her turn up and find us in the house - I'd have to call her and talk to her. Let her know everything was all right, that I was back, and that I'd see her soon - but not tonight and to _not_ go back home, no matter what she did.

I loved Rachel, of course I did, but I was not spending my wedding night with my sister.

But that brought me right back to the wedding night part. God, I never thought the idea of being with Nessie would freak me out so bad - in a totally, completely good way, but still. What if - what if I messed it up completely? What if she . . . didn't like it? It would injure more than my pride if I ruined such a special experience for Nessie.

What if I hurt her?

Oh, shit, what if I hurt her?

I heard - I mean, even guys knew that a girl's first time . . . hurt. I, who didn't know anything, knew that, but . . . that was the problem. I didn't know anything. I didn't know how to - make it better or easier for her. I was a virgin too.

Shit.

Well, if - if we even got to that, I would . . . take my time. That would be the key. Paying attention to Nessie's body; she was always super-responsive, so hopefully I'd know right away if she was in pain. Hopefully she'd tell me.

Oh, God. I was totally psyching myself out, but . . . but the idea of finally attaining this thing I'd wanted so badly for so long . . . scared me. Now that I was close to finally having it, it became real.

Every single what-if was running through my brain.

Then the biggest, hugest what-if of all slammed down on my head. I stood up.

Looks like I would be needing Carlisle after all.

I practically ran to his office. I slowed down only when I walked past the pixie's room, because I could smell Nessie's scent lingering outside the doorway. And now that I was closer, hear her heartbeat too. I still didn't linger long - I went straight to Carlisle's office. The only times I ever went in here were to pick Nessie up from her lessons, but right now it was the doc I wanted.

I knocked softly on the door, knowing he would hear it. Nessie, on the other hand, wouldn't. Which was what I wanted.

"Come in, Jacob."

I wasn't surprised he knew it was me, since he was vampy and all, he probably smelled me. Or heard my heartbeat. Or used common sense to figure that I was probably the only one who would knock - living around vamps, your ability to surprise was knocked down a few notches.

I was seriously nervous as hell going in there, but I knew I had to do this before Edward got back. Carlisle was sitting at his desk, going over some papers.

"I was just trying to write up the contract for you and Renesmee, but I'll probably have to ask you both a few questions first," he said, looking up at me and sitting back in his chair.

"Sure, sure." I shut the door behind me and walked over to the desk. Doc gestured at one of the chairs in front of him so I sat down, even though I really didn't want to. "I'll answer whatever you want, and then . . . you can ask Nessie the rest."

"Of course." Carlisle shuffled some papers together neatly. "Would you, ah . . . like to deal with the contract now, or was there something else you'd like to discuss first?"

I was tempted to say the contract, just to eat some time. You know, work myself up to it, but I had no clue when Edward and Bells would be back.

"Nah, I uh . . . I've got something to ask you - I mean, I need your advice - not your advice." Shit, I was a wreck. "What I meant was . . . "

"It's all right, Jacob." I was surprised to hear Carlisle comforting me, even though he always was so compassionate. He was really great the time he had to set my leg. "Advice, a question, whatever it is you want to know, you can ask me. And if I have the information and am at liberty to give it to you, I certainly will."

"Okay, um . . ." That made me feel a little better, but I still wasn't sure what I was going to say. "Tonight."

One word. That was it. I watched the Doc's eyes as they lit with recognition. He leaned forward, towards me, paying more attention than before. "Yes."

"When . . . I mean, if - _if_ Nessie and I . . . " No, no. I stopped. There had to be a better way to say it. But I had just literally never been in this situation before - or even close. "What I'm trying to say - or, or ask is . . ."

"Jacob." I snatched my eyes up from my bouncing knee to Carlisle. "I can be very, very professional - I won't let my personal feelings or relationships color my opinions. You can ask me anything."

"I know," I grumbled, letting out a deep breath and rubbing a hand over my face. He'd already told me that. "I just - I'm having a hard time . . . . _saying _it."

"Well . . . how about I help you?" He offered. _He _wasn't breathing deep - he was completely calm. Stupid doctor neutrality. "Do you have a question about sex?"

"No," I answered immediately, since my main question wasn't technically about sex. But then I realized I might not want to close that door - the pain thing for Nessie was still a major issue, even if another one temporarily eclipsed it. "I mean, well - not . . . technically. Maybe. Okay."

I took a deep breath. Carlisle just raised an eyebrow. If he laughed . . .

I braced myself. This was ridiculous. I had to do this - for Nessie. I took another breath.

"What are the chances of Nessie . . . getting pregnant?"

Carlisle just nodded.

"That's a very good question, Jacob. One, in all honesty, I expected you to ask - if you hadn't, I would have ended up broaching the subject with you."

I just waited.

"Have you and Nessie discussed the possibility of children?" He asked. "Or birth control?"

"Birth control," I said, almost relieved, finally finding the word I'd been searching for. "That's what I . . . need to know about. What are our options?"

"Well, as you know, no medication we know of has an affect on Nessie's body," he said, just like a doctor, which helped take a little tension out. "But at any rate, even if they were, that wouldn't be any help for you tonight."

I nodded my head. I figured as much. And I might as well cut him off at the next option before he got ahead.

"And, um . . . condoms?" I said, my voice coming out weird on the word. I don't think I'd ever said it before. "They don't . . . work for us."

I knew, due to the pack mind of course, that all the wolves with . . . mates had to rely on the women take birth control. Pills, I mean. With our body heat, condoms tended to . . . melt.

"Ah." Surprisingly, Carlisle smiled. What the - "Yes, I know."

I really didn't want to know about how Carlisle knew about the unfortunate incident that even I wish I hadn't seen . . . when Sam and Emily had first tried to use condoms. Melted latex isn't fun for anyone.

"You know?"

"Yes. Ah, a year or so back, when Nessie began to mature, I started to wonder about how her body would react once she was grown. Naturally, we were concerned about a number of things - Nessie's ability to conceive one of them." I'm sorry, but I just didn't see why everyone was so obsessed with that. Nessie was perfect the way she was - I didn't want anybody trying to make her feel any less if she couldn't have a baby. "We still don't know if she can, but if you aren't ready for children at this point, it's wisest to take the most precaution possible."

"That's why I'm here," I said simply. "I - I don't know what my options are."

I - Nessie couldn't have a baby. Not now. I . . . I could very possibly die in two weeks and I was _not_ chancing getting Nessie pregnant and then leaving her alone. I would _not_.

When - if I got back, and things were settled down and okay, if . . . if Nessie wanted to try for . . . children, then we would.

I pushed the image of Nessie holding a tiny bundle in her arms, cooing down at the face inside, straight out of my head. It was too dangerous to start thinking about stuff like that - stuff I might never have.

"Well, I think I may have a solution for you," Carlisle offered, and I wanted to kiss his stinky vampire face. Well, not really, but the sentiment was clear. "If you don't find it too . . . strange, that is."

I suddenly felt cautious. What weird shit was he going to tell me to do? He was a doctor, right? So it had to be something scientific.

Whatever it was, of course, I would do it. It was for Nessie. If he wanted me to stand under the full moon with a frog liver under my arm, I would.

Carlisle reached into his drawer and pulled something out. He tossed in onto the counter in front of me. I picked it up and examined it, feeling my brow knit together. I was no expert, but -

"This is a condom," I stated simply. I thought vamps were supposed to be smart? Hadn't we just established that I would make that thing _melt_?

"Yes." Then he reached forward, took it from my hands, and rolled it out. What purpose that served other than to make me uncomfortable, I don't know. "I made it."

A . . . homemade condom?

"You . . . made it?"

"Yes." You know, I was getting really tired of hearing him say that. "I was . . . very curious about the wolves . . . inability to use condoms after Edward saw that . . . unfortunate event in Sam's head."

Why the hell was Sam even thinking about that around Edward?

"So, I thought - I foresaw that . . . might become an issue for you and Renesmee in the future, and I started . . . researching."

Creepy, but helpful. I felt . . . a little better.

"So . . . " I eyed the condom in Carlisle's hand. "I won't melt that?"

"Nope." He stretched it out, and I felt my eyes widen. Well, it'd fit. "They're able to stretch a surprising amount without being compromised, and they can more than withstand your body temperature."

I exhaled. So . . . there was that done.

"Well, can I . . . get some of them, then?"

This was so awkward.

"Of course - I'll give you all I have." All? I watched as he reached into his drawer and pulled out a small paper bag. Which I could only assume was full of homemade condoms. "If you . . . need more, don't hesitate to let me know."

Jesus, what did he think we were going to do? I guess the look read on my face, because Carlisle smiled a little.

"I'd rather you ask for more than go without because you're too shy to ask, and end up in a situation you aren't prepared to deal with," he explained.

That made me feel better . . . and bad at the same time.

"It's not that I . . . don't want . . . with Nessie." I don't know why I was rationalizing to him; maybe I was rationalizing to myself. "I just - the war, I can't . . . it wouldn't be . . . "

"Responsible," Doc finished for me, and I nodded. "I know that you're very responsible, Jacob, especially when it comes to Nessie. I have no doubts."

That was a given, but I took it as a compliment.

"Thank you," I decided on, standing up. I held out my hand, since I wasn't sure what else to do. "This conversation has been sufficiently awkward, but I can't say I don't appreciate all of your help."

"It has, hasn't it?" Carlisle chuckled, his freezing hand gripping mine. "Well, anything else you need to know, I know I'm a more neutral territory than Edward."

I let out a deep breath and laughed a little. "Definitely."

"But if you would, Jacob, please sit back down so I can ask you a few details about your wedding contract?" He requested. "It will only take a few minutes."

Shit. I'd forgotten.

"Sure, sure." I sat. Still holding the brown paper bag of condoms in my hand. "What do you need to know?"

"Well, first of all, I assume you and Nessie aren't interested in any type of prenuptial agreement?" He asked, and it took my brain a second to even process what he was saying.

"What, a - a prenup?" I asked, and he nodded. "No, of course not. We're not - there's no . . . "

"I know, Jacob, I was pretty sure of that answer myself." Then why the hell'd you ask? Imprints don't get fucking divorced. "I just had to check."

"And vows?" Vows? "Do you have anything in particular you'd like to say or would you like to use the traditional vows . . . ?"

"Like to have and to hold, or whatever?" I questioned. Again, he nodded. "I . . . could honestly care less. I'll say whatever Nessie wants me to say. Just ask her what she wants - she already, she already knows how I feel."

"Okay." Carlisle smiled again, but this time he looked like a Dad. "I'll talk to Nessie and get to work right away - thank you so much."

"No problem." I said, standing up and finally getting out of that room. "Thanks again."

I paused again by Nessie's door to catch her scent and my heart swelled. I was about to keep on down the stairs when Momma Vamp popped out of the door of what I was pretty sure was Blondie's room.

I tried not to think about how slim the chances were that she hadn't heard me and the Doc's entire conversation.

"Jacob," she said, smiling warmly. I still hadn't figured out how she always looked so warm all the time like, well, like a Momma. "I've been assigned clothes duty for you - would you mind coming in and giving me your opinion?"

I honestly, honestly couldn't care less. And I really didn't want to dress up unless Nessie wanted me to, which I doubted she would. I mean, I wasn't about to get married in my jeans, but the idea of crawling into a tux again just didn't appeal to me. So anyway, clothes were like super-low on my list of priorities right now.

With the making-sure-I-don't-die-and-leave-Nessie-alone-with-a-child issue out of the way, I really just wanted to go downstairs, call my sister and arrange everything, and then suffer in agony alone until four o'clock.

But - and I still don't know why - I could never say no to that particular vamp. Maybe it was because she didn't seem so vampy - except, you know, for the coldness and hardness and deadness issue.

Either way, it was hard. And she was Nessie's family.

I sighed and, awkwardly, held my paper bag a little tighter. "Sure, Momma Vamp."

* * *

**Coming up: **

"Nessie's ring," he explained.

My heart freaked out.

I held it up and looked at it, trying to comprehend it all. It was so small, and silver-colored, although I was sure it wasn't silver. Small diamonds were embedded in it, all around the band, but they were inside it, not rising off of the ring at all. I didn't know much about rings, but it was really pretty. A ring fitting of Nessie.

I tried to slip it onto my pinkie and it wouldn't even go over the tip. It was Nessie's size, all right. Edward laughed, making me look up.

"You are so young," he chuckled, making me frown. He wasn't bringing this up again, was he? "No, no, I just mean - you forget I'm over a hundred years old, even though I look seventeen. You really are twenty-four."


	46. Old Spice, Sisters, and Waiting

**_A/N:_** This is a fun, almost completely fresh chapter. Just so's y'all know, this Jacob/Rachel conversation has been planned since I wrote this chapter from HoM - that's how he got the flowers and assured the empty house, in case anyone was wondering. Also, not that it matters, but I've been _waiting_ to write that 'won't go big brother on you' line since then! And I finally got to! :)

Hope you like the little insight on how Jacob spent his day. I believe you all know what the next chapter is. See y'all on Monday!

**_Disclaimer:_** I love the lyrics for this chapter and I don't own them. Along with anything else. And this sucky disclaimer totally makes up from the awesomely kick-ass one over at HoM - make sure to check it out!

* * *

Old Spice, Sisters, and Waiting

* * *

_but i would walk five hundred miles  
and i would walk five hundred more  
just to be the man who walked one thousand miles  
to fall down at your door_

_- the proclaimers, 500 miles_

_-_

It was literally, at the same time, the best and worst day of my life.

I had never been so happy, so in love, so excited in my life. And I had also never been so nervous, impatient, or desperate to be with Nessie either - and I couldn't see her. I hated that stupid pixie - who even cared about damn wedding traditions?

I was a werewolf about to marry my seven-year-old half-vampire soul mate - we were weird, unconventional. We didn't exactly follow tradition.

But no, I was still alone downstairs. And time had never moved more slowly.

I was still struggling with the concept of what was happening. I was about to be married - Nessie was going to be my wife. I would be her husband, her protector. Nessie had never really chosen me, not that I blame her or hold it against her - that was just how things worked. I mean, she loved me and I didn't doubt it, but now she was decided to spend the rest of her existence with me. Both of our hopefully very long existences.

I was still dumbfounded that she would do that. It was so unbelievable that, even in the middle of all the shit that was about to go down, something so good was about to happen.

I couldn't even explain it to myself, how I felt. And it was torture, the waiting.

I hope Nessie was holding up a little better - I wanted her to miss me as much as I missed her, but not if it was causing her this kind of agony.

By the time Momma Vamp finished with me, which was basically me saying over and over to just give me some clothes when it's time and I'll put them on, everybody else was back. I mean, honestly, this was all about Nessie - letting Nessie have this experience. I couldn't care less about a _wedding_; I just wanted to be married. Why didn't they just take all the clothes in there to her and let her decide what she wanted me to wear?

By twelve-thirty, I was about to go ape-shit. I even offered to help Edward cook, but he wouldn't let me, so I just watched and actually didn't shove down my food when he was done. I made myself eat slowly, hoping to eat some time with it - shooting daggers at Edward's back when he left to take Nessie's plate up to her. I had never been so jealous.

The pixie finally made an appearance. I'd seen her zoom in and out of the door a few times, but this was the first time I actually saw her as more than a blur and a bad after-scent. She danced her little self down the stairs like she wasn't leaving me and Nessie in agony and marched up to where I was taking tiny-ass bites of steak. This was seriously the longest I'd ever stretched out a meal.

"I'm going to see if I can get your rings," she told me, kind of hopping on the spot. "Anything in particular you think you want for yourself or Nessie?"

See, this sucked. I didn't even get to pick out Nessie's ring. I mean, I knew we were in a hurry and I'd promised Nessie not to leave the house without her, but still - that was my job. To buy her ring. What was I going to do for her besides show up?

"Um . . . she doesn't like yellow gold," I said, remembering a comment Nessie made once forever ago. "Or . . . anything too fancy. Nothing really show-offy or anything."

Alice just rolled her eyes. "Yes, I know."

I just smiled. Nessie didn't like diamond rings and roses.

Then something in my head clicked. I remembered what Nessie told me that night - that she didn't like diamond rings and roses, she liked . . . .

Quileute bracelets and sunflowers.

Nessie had outgrown her old bracelet years ago. I would make her a new one, as a wedding gift. I had time. And it would be something to do.

"Alice." I caught her as she turned to leave. She stopped. "Do you have - or can you get me, some like, leather cords?"

"Leather cords?"

"Yeah, I uh . . . want to make something for Nessie," I explained, pushing my plate away. I wasn't really that hungry anyway - a first. "A bracelet."

I remember Bells kinda being miffed when I gave Nessie her bracelet for her first Christmas. It was kind of like the Quileute version of a promise ring - and no matter how much the vamp clan didn't like it, I was promised to Nessie.

She wasn't promised to me, but I was hers. From the very second she was born. Before that even. From the very second I was.

"Oh, that's so sweet, Jacob!" Alice did that little hopping thing she did. "And I think I've got just the thing upstairs - oh, just wait!"

She zoomed away at vamp-speed, and was back about ten seconds later. She held out a palmful of leather strips, the _perfect_ size and color that I'd want. _Yes_. I took them from her without thinking.

"Thanks!" I was pretty pumped now - at least I'd get to do _something_ for Nessie. "Where'd you even get these?"

"Oh, I have tons of stuff everywhere." She waved me off. "They can serve very fashionable purposes, you know. It was a sacrifice to give them to you." She grinned. "Is that enough?"

"More than enough, thanks."

Now at least I had something to do. I sat down right away and got started. I already knew perfectly the size of Nessie's wrist, so thankfully I didn't need help with that. Besides, the bracelet would be adjustable.

While I was braiding, I thought about Nessie and - and Billy. He was the one who taught me how to do this; the one who taught me how to carve too. He knew how to do almost everything - he really was the coolest guy. I missed him like hell.

I shook my head and tried to clear the thoughts of Billy out. He wouldn't want me to be all mopey on my wedding day, right? Surprisingly, Billy always liked Nessie, right from the start.

When Bella first started letting me bring her over, after all the trouble cleared, Nessie liked to sit with Billy. He'd tickle her and give her candy, the only human food she'd eat without complaining when she was that small.

Now that house was empty. It was mine.

I tied a holding knot and thought about giving this to Nessie tonight. I hope she liked it. It wasn't much as far as wedding gifts went, but it was all I had the time for, and I knew Nessie wasn't superficial. Only one of the reasons why I loved her.

Within an hour, I was done. I was proud of how it turned out and glad that I'd eaten away an hour of time. The little pixie was already back and the shower was on upstairs. Nessie. She was the only one besides me in this house with a need to shower regularly.

We were getting close. Yet still so fucking far.

I really, really wanted to talk to her. I could deal with not seeing her . . . I think. But I needed to hear her voice and talk to her and make sure she was okay. Make sure she was sure . . . about this.

I went to go find Alice. I didn't have to go far. She came rushing down the stairs before I could go two steps.

"Alice, I need to talk to her."

She narrowed her eyes at me. "Nessie's in the shower."

"I can hear that." Did she think she was the only one who could hear well in this house? "I won't see her - I'll talk to her through the door, but I _will_ talk to her."

Her weird-colored eyes narrowed even more and she strutted up to me. She brought herself up to her full height, but she still couldn't clear my chest.

"Fine." She poked my chest, and if I wasn't a kind enough man to take into consideration she was under the influence of wedding-stuff, I would have taken it off. See what I mean about crazy vampires? "But you open that door - "

"I won't." I was already heading up the stairs.

"Don't you let her open it either!" I just nodded again. For once, I hadn't been trying to trick somebody. I would wait patiently. I knew it would only be so much better when I finally got to see Nessie. "And hurry up, because I need to dress her once she's out!"

The shower was still running when I got upstairs, so I sat on the floor with my back braced against the opposite side of the wall. My fingers played along Nessie's bracelet while I waited.

When the water cut off, I felt my body tense. Chances were, Nessie was climbing out of the shower right now. Naked and wet - unbelievably beautiful. Tomorrow morning, she would do that at my house.

Well, I hoped.

When I heard Nessie's light footsteps getting closer, coming back towards the bedroom, I stood up. My heart was racing - this was insane. I knocked on the door.

"Nessie?"

Then I remembered at the last second, and gripped the doorknob tight. If I knew my Nessie - and I knew my Nessie - the door would be the first thing she'd try to sling open.

Proving me right, the next thing I felt was tension as Nessie tried to yank the door open.

"Jacob, the door won't open."

Ah, that voice. How had I gone nearly five hours without hearing it?

"I know." I couldn't help but laugh a little. I knew this girl so good. "I'm holding it. The rules were that I could come talk to you if we didn't open the door."

"That's stupid." I could imagine the adorable pouty expression that would be on her face right now. "Just open it, Jake."

"Nah, that little pixie scared the hell out of me," I said, instead of explaining to her how I wanted to save the sight of her for later. I felt her tug the doorknob again. "I'll see you soon, Nessie, don't worry. I - I just wanted to talk to you a little."

"Oh." I was literally leaning against the door to get closer to this girl. "Okay. What's going on downstairs?"

"Nothing much, really." It was the truth. I think most of the stuff was going on upstairs. "Alice is keeping her chill pretty good, but I've been instructed not to tell you more than that."

Nessie laughed, the most beautiful sound. I missed her so bad I could taste it.

"So . . . what have you been doing?"

"Nothing, really." Nessie had the sweetest voice - I could have always told you that, but now when it was all I had, I concentrated on it. "I read some with Momma and ate lunch with Daddy. Grandpa Carlisle came and asked me some questions."

"Yeah, me too." No need to tell her about the other conversation we had. "About like, contracts and vows and stuff. I told him I didn't care and to ask you."

"I told him the exact same and then he told me you had said that." I laughed again. See? She was my perfect match. "I just really want to sign the papers and . . . and go home."

I knew by the tone of her voice that she meant anywhere, anyplace. Anywhere we were was home - isn't that what she told me once?

But it was the perfect opening to ask.

"I was . . . meaning to ask you about that." I wasn't calling Rachel about the house until I was sure Nessie didn't have something else in mind. I rubbed my feet back and forth on the carpet. "Where do you wanna . . . go tonight?"

I still felt kinda bad that our three options were so plain. Nessie deserved a resort, perfection, she deserved . . . more than me. But I wasn't going to complain about that.

She was quiet for a few seconds. I could hear her heart. "I - I don't care, Jacob, just - "

I knew what she meant. I knew my Nessie loved me so much that she'd go wherever I took her, but . . . but I didn't want to take her just anywhere.

"Somewhere alone. I know." I took a second to think, listened to Nessie's breathing. "Do you have anything particular in mind? Do you . . . care?"

"No," she said immediately, her voice sweet. So sweet. "Wherever you decide is fine, Jacob. The forest floor is fine, I - I just want to be with you."

I was suddenly imagining myself making love to Nessie on the forest floor. I shook the thought out, let my heart swell at her words.

"I - I'll figure something out." I'll always figure it out for you, Nessie.

"Okay, Jake," she finally said quietly. I loved when she called me Jake. I wish I could see her. "Don't stress over it."

Nessie knew me too. But I knew it was impossible for me not to stress over making tonight as perfect as possible for her, so I didn't say anything.

"So, what are you doing now?" I asked instead.

"I just got out of the shower." I already knew that, but hearing Nessie say it just filled my brain up with images of how she would look now. Hair wet, skin glistening . . . maybe still in her towel. Damn. "I - I was just watching the clock."

"Me too." 2:54. Sixty-four more minutes. "I miss you."

"I miss you too." Yes. "Even now."

God. I let go of the doorknob.

"Nessie, I won't ask you again, but . . . " But I have to. "Are you sure?"

Nessie didn't launch into this whole speech about her readiness, she didn't fuss at me for asking again, she didn't ask me back. She just said, "Yes."

I let out a breath I hadn't even known I'd been holding.

Try the door again, Nessie.

She didn't.

"Well . . . I love you." More than the sun. More than myself. "I think I should go." But I don't want to. "It's about three now and Alice told me to make it quick so she could come dress you." Like you wouldn't be phenomenal like you are now. "I - I still need to shower and stuff."

"You don't have to shower for me, Jake." I smiled at the teasing in her tone. "It's not like we're getting married or anything. Just come in your sweatpants."

It took me a second to say something back. To hear Nessie say it, out loud like that, knocked me right off my guard. I was seriously about to marry this girl.

"Yeah, right," I finally said. "That crazy little thing would kill me."

Besides, Nessie, I respect you more than that.

"Okay, well . . . I love you too." Thank you. Thank you for loving me, Nessie. "I'll see you in an hour."

"If I make it that long." If I don't explode. "Bye, honey. I'll see you soon."

"Bye, Jake."

I forced myself away.

I had to call Rachel, take a shower, and get dressed. And then I was getting married.

Alice zoomed past me on my way down the stairs. Off to dress my Nessie.

I took a couple of deep breaths as I began to hunt for a phone. One more hour.

I found a cell phone, I don't know whose, and went into the downstairs bedroom. I had forgot until I shut the door behind me that those damn boxes were in here. They were rattling a little.

Nessie was upstairs - she wouldn't hear. I gave them a good kick.

The metal rumbled, and then fell silent.

I dialed my sister's number, and pressed send. It rang about three times before she picked up.

"Hello?" Her tone told me she hadn't recognized the number. Here we go.

"Um . . . hey, Rach."

There was about three seconds of silence. Then, "_Jacob_?"

"The one and only."

I could hear her breathing speeding up. In the background, I could hear Paul inquiring about her.

"J-Jake? What - where - oh my God, Jacob where in the _hell_ have you been?"

I winced. Yep, that was what I'd been afraid of.

"Well - I'm sure you've heard the . . . basics," I tried to evade. I wasn't about to discuss all of this now. "Paul hasn't told you?"

"That some crazy . . . " I think they might have been in public, because she cut herself off. "That some psychos were after Nessie and you had to run off, but Jacob - you couldn't have _called_ before now? What with - with_ everything _. . . "

I _was not_ going to talk about Billy right now.

"I know, Rach, I know - but I couldn't." I wasn't going to apologize for not compromising Nessie. I would have called her if I could've. "Wh - "

"This is a Washington area code - where are you calling from?" Her voice was getting high. "Jacob, are you in Forks?"

"Rachel, listen to me," I said firmly, in my Alpha voice. She immediately calmed. "I'm okay, I'm safe, and I'm going to see you soon - I promise, okay?"

"Okay, Jake, but - "

"No. Listen to me," I insisted. "Where have you been staying?"

She was silent. As I figured, she'd been staying at Paul's. I really didn't know why they weren't married yet.

"I'm not going to go big brother on you, Rachel, just tell me," I pressed.

I was surprised to hear her snort. "I'm older than you, Jacob."

"But I'm bigger than you, aren't I?" I shot back, actually feeling myself smile. It was good to hear her voice again, especially when she wasn't screeching. "Mmhm. That's what I thought."

"I've been staying . . . at Paul's," she finally admitted. "Why?"

"I need you to do something for me." I looked at the clock. 3:05. "Does Sue still grow sunflowers in her garden?"

"I - I think so." I heard the confusion in her voice, but I wasn't about to explain now. "Why?"

"Listen, Rach, if you love me I just need you to listen to me and do what I tell you and I swear I'll talk to you soon, okay?" I kept on before she could say anything back. "I need you to get me some of those flowers, a bouquet or whatever it's called, and put them in the house. Then . . . just go stay at Paul's. _Don't_ come to the house."

"Are you coming to the house?" She asked excitedly. "Why do you even need sunflowers? I think the season's ending anyway, there's probably not any left."

Shit. I'd kind of been looking forward to getting sunflowers for Nessie too.

"Just check, Rach, please." I heard Paul in the background, asking for the phone. "And I might, okay? But _don't_ come there, seriously."

"Why not, Jacob, what's wrong?" I could tell she was getting honestly worried, besides just wanting to be nosy. I had been gone for three months - and our father had just died. "Are you in trouble?"

"Honestly, Rachel, things are pretty good right now." I sighed. I couldn't tell them I was getting married - they'd all want to be here and how could I say no? And it was just too much stress - I just wanted to marry my girl and take her home. Besides, it'd take way too much explanation anyway. "Can you just try with the flowers for me? And can you just - trust your little brother? Please?"

"Okay . . . but, Jake . . . " She sighed. "When will I see you?"

"Soon," I promised. "Just . . . do what I asked, and tell Paul to shut up bugging you about the phone - " I paused so Rachel could relay that message. "And I'll see you in the next few days, I promise, alright?"

"Fine," she huffed. "I - I'll head to Sue's right now, and I expect a call from you soon, Jake. I'll tell Paul to tell the guys to stay clear of the house too, although I don't know why they'd even be down that way. Okay?"

"Thanks . . . _sis_," I decided to add, to suck up.

"No problem, _bro_," she said back, mocking me. Then she sighed again. "I missed you, Jacob. I was so worried."

"I know," I said, trying to comfort her, even a little. "I'm sorry - I've got to go now. I'll see you soon - Paul too, tell him to tell the guys."

"I will." And then right before I was about to hang up, "Jake - how's Nessie?"

I smiled, feeling even more love towards my sister.

"She's - she's real good." I looked at the clock again. 3:11. "You'll see her soon too. I gotta go, Rach."

"O-oh, okay - bye, Jake."

I hung up. Then I just sat down on the bed for a second. Literally less than an hour until I would be marrying Nessie.

God.

I took a few more seconds before I got back up and walked into the living room. I was planning to head back upstairs to get my stuff, but my backpack, along with . . . my brown paper bag and a set of clothes were laying over the armchair.

I guess that was what I was going to wear. I was relieved to see it was just some black dress pants and a white button-down. With an undershirt and . . . more silk boxers. At least they were black again.

Someone (meaning Alice) had laid out dress shoes and socks for me too, but I left them there. I'd put them on when I got back out. I gathered up all my stuff and headed to the downstairs bathroom.

I hung my clothes on the hook on the back of the door, setting the boxers and wife-beater on the back of the sink. I stripped off and shook my hair out, setting the elastic on the counter, before I turned on the shower and got in.

Vamps really had no need to shower unless they were physically dirty - like with mud or paint or something, so I wasn't sure why they had body wash or anything. I was pretty sure the scent wouldn't cling to them or do any good. And if they did have body wash, I expected it to be some high-end shit Blondie or the pixie picked out. I didn't expect Old Spice.

It was what I used at home, mostly because Rachel bought it and it was the most manly body wash available. Plus, it didn't smell too bad. Still, I was surprised to see it.

I'd already showered this morning, but I wasn't about to say I didn't shower before my own wedding. I used the body wash to wash my hair, thinking about Nessie getting dressed above me. That pixie was probably trying to shove her into all kinds of makeup and fancy clothes and she was probably resisting - I knew my Ness.

God, I couldn't wait to see her. I couldn't wait to _marry_ her.

I rinsed myself off and shut the water off, toweling myself before getting out. I picked up the boxers first and slipped them on. Seriously, in any other circumstance I would've skipped them - in my opinion, they were useless - but this time I didn't.

I had thought about it. If Nessie and I . . . well, if things progressed tonight, I wouldn't want to freak Nessie out. I mean, most normal people wore underwear and Nessie would probably be assuming I would be.

It just made sense this time. So, I put them on.

I pulled the undershirt on next, then pulled the black pants off their hanger and slid them on. There was a belt, so I left the pants undone while I pulled the long-sleeved shirt on, buttoning it up and tucking it in. I _hated_ tucking in shirts. Rachel or Rebecca always had to help me until I was like twelve and then they refused anymore, saying I was too big.

I hated belts too, come to think of it. I left it on anyway.

I bent over to towel out my hair some more since I didn't want it dripping on my white shirt. I hung my towel back on the rack and raked my fingers through my hair until it was neat, pulling it back again.

Then I was pretty much ready. If there had been cologne or something I might have considered wearing some, but I didn't want to end up smelling like something that was going to remind Nessie of her uncle.

I bent over and gathered up my clothes, pulling Nessie's bracelet out of the pocket of my jeans and slipping it into the pocket of the pants I had on now. I stuffed my dirty clothes into my pack, but I paused when I reached for the paper bag.

I sighed and looked inside. There were about twenty or so condoms just like the ones Carlisle had shown me in his office inside. I thought about it for a second before I pulled one out and stuck it in my pocket too. My _other_ pocket, my left one. Never know what might happen - and I didn't want to have to leave Nessie to run to my backpack.

Hopefully, if we got that far, my pants would be close by.

I stuffed the bag deep inside my pack, zipped it closed, and straightened up. I checked myself in the waist-length mirror and reckoned I looked about as good as it was going to get, so I took two more deep breathes and left the bathroom.

I saw a bunch of bags piled up by the door that I assumed were for Nessie, so I went and sat my stuff on top of them. My eyes went straight to the clock.

3:45. Oh, shit.

Was I suddenly in a hurry? I pulled my socks and shoes on fast as hell anyway. I was tying up my last lace when Edward came down the stairs.

I finished it up and stood. I think I really needed to be standing. I couldn't really sit.

He walked up and held out my hand. I thought he wanted a handshake, but when I held out my hand, he dropped the tiniest ring into it.

"Nessie's ring," he explained.

My heart freaked out.

I held it up and looked at it, trying to comprehend it all. It was so small, and silver-colored, although I was sure it wasn't silver. Small diamonds were embedded in it, all around the band, but they were inside it, not rising off of the ring at all. I didn't know much about rings, but it was really pretty. A ring fitting of Nessie.

I tried to slip it onto my pinkie and it wouldn't even go over the tip. It was Nessie's size, all right. Edward laughed, making me look up.

"You are so young," he chuckled, making me frown. He wasn't bringing this up again, was he? "No, no, I just mean - you forget I'm over a hundred years old, even though I look seventeen. You really are twenty-four."

I closed the ring in my fist and kind of smiled back. It was weird that I looked older than my . . . future wife's Dad, but what you gonna do? "Yeah, well."

"You ready to marry my daughter?"

My heart pounded and I let out a deep breath. I held Nessie's ring tighter.

"Yeah, I'm ready."

* * *

**Coming up:**

Husband and wife. Her husband. My wife. Mine.

I knew I was going to war. I knew in two weeks I could be dead. But as I stared straight into Nessie's eyes, her hand still in mine, I felt like I could see forever in them. I could see myself making love to her in our bed and eating dinner with her at the kitchen table and kissing her goodnight a hundred years from now. I could see her, beautiful as ever . . . cradling a tiny baby. My baby.

"You may kiss your bride."

This was the first kiss of hopefully - please, God, hopefully - a thousand. The first kiss I would give Nessie as my wife. It had to be perfect for her.

I felt like I was drawn to her like a magnet. It was like the pull of the imprint - I had never felt it so strong since in the seconds before I imprinted, the pull compelling me, _forcing_ me to look at her. Straight in her beautiful eyes so I could change my life forever.


	47. Nessie Black

**_A/N:_** Here it is - The Wedding Chapter! I'm really happy with it so I hope y'all are too - hopefully FF.n will stop being stupid long enough for me to post and everything. I know most of you are probably more excited for the next few chapters, but you have to be patient and read this first! :) There's not much to say about this chapter - I think Jacob will explain it all.

**_Disclaimer:_** I will very, emphatically, proudly declaim that I do not own Big & Rich nor anything produced by them. I used the lyrics because they fit and I am a slave to my story, even over my morals. lol. No, but really, y'all - just used the lyrics because they fit. Which they do - wonderfully.

* * *

Nessie Black

* * *

_lost in this moment with you  
i am completely consumed  
my feelings so absolute  
there's no doubt_

_- big & rich, lost in this moment_

-

I was seriously, literally, no-fucking-kidding about to be married. I was sitting here, in a chair in the Doc's office, waiting on my . . . bride to get here. Nessie was my bride. And I was about to marry her.

I wasn't sure I could remember to breathe.

Emmett and Jasper had gone to say their final goodbyes or something, like I was flying Nessie off to Africa, and I'd already had words with Bella and Edward. Normal parent stuff 'take care of my daughter, I'll kill you if you don't, etcetera, etcetera'. But none of that mattered now.

Because Nessie was about to be here. I wiped my hands off on my pants, even though they weren't really sweaty. I didn't want to give them the chance to get that way. I held Nessie's ring tight between my thumb and first finger.

Then Jasper and Emmett came back. I looked at the clock. It was four.

The next time the door swung open, half a minute later, I didn't hear it shut. The next thing I saw was the little pixie zooming to stand with the rest of the Cullens at the side of the desk.

That must mean - Nessie . . .

I turned around, twisting in my seat, and there she was.

She was . . . so . . . beautiful. I didn't look at her clothes or her hair or anything but her face - I didn't have to to know she was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen.

Then Nessie's eyes - her gorgeous chocolate brown eyes - landed on mine, and I couldn't breathe. Nessie just . . . looked at me for one long second before she started to move. Walk. Towards me.

Finally, somehow, Nessie was right in front of the desk. Right beside me. I couldn't take my eyes off of her.

"Renesmee," I heard Carlisle say. "Please sit."

She did.

"Renesmee and Jacob, are you both aware that you are here today to be married?"

I just nodded, my eyes locked on Nessie. She nodded too.

"Who gives this woman to be married to this man?"

"I do." Edward, of course. Nessie looked up at him, but didn't say anything. He just touched her shoulder once and then stepped back.

"Jacob, do you take Renesmee to be your wife?"

Could I speak?

Nessie's eyes snapped to mine like a shot, and I knew I could. I had to. If I wanted the thing that I wanted most in the world, I had to speak.

I wanted to touch her, but I knew I couldn't.

"I do." Nessie's eyes changed . . . in the best, most beautiful way when I said it. I suddenly wanted to say it again.

"Will you sign your name to solidify this oath?"

Of course. Yes. Yes. Yes.

"Yes."

The worst part was that I had to take my eyes off of Nessie to do it. I tore my gaze away, leaned forward, picked up the pen and signed my name. To the very bottom of the right side of the page. Jacob Black.

It was the easiest thing I ever did. I hadn't even realized I was doing it until it was over.

I sat back. I could hear Nessie's heart, pounding, so, _so_ fast. Could she hear mine too?

"Renesmee." As soon as Carlisle said her name, Nessie's eyes were back on me. Her eyes had never come so close to killing me. "Do you take Jacob to be your husband?"

Her husband.

Nessie's eyes . . . glittered as she looked at me. Her beautiful lips parted.

"I - I do."

Ah. My heart stopped for a second. I've felt it before, but this time I was sure - I was going to explode from my love for this girl. This woman.

"Will you sign your name to solidify this oath?"

Nessie didn't say anything, just leaned forward and took the pen I had just used to sign my name. She signed hers.

Nessie Cullen.

She signed our . . . wedding contract Nessie Cullen. Not Renesmee. Nessie. The name I gave her the day she was born.

"Renesmee, please place Jacob's ring on his finger."

Nessie's hands were shaking, the smallest bit, as she reached for my hand. If Nessie touched me now, could I keep my control?

I knew I could. I had never been in more control in my life.

I held out my left hand to her, and she took it. Her hand was so small next to mine, her skin so white. So soft.

She slid the ring onto my fourth finger, and it went easily.

"Jacob, please place Renesmee's ring on her finger."

It felt like I had been waiting my entire life for this. I reached my right hand out for her left, and she gave it to me. My hand almost swallowed hers.

My fingers wrapped all the way around to her palm, and I pressed her ring finger up the smallest bit with my fingertip. Then I slid her ring on. It went - perfectly. Just like every single thing to do with Nessie.

"I now pronounce you, Jacob and Renesmee, husband and wife."

Husband and wife. Her husband. My wife. Mine.

I knew I was going to war. I knew in two weeks I could be dead. But as I stared straight into Nessie's eyes, her hand still in mine, I felt like I could see forever in them. I could see myself making love to her in our bed and eating dinner with her at the kitchen table and kissing her goodnight a hundred years from now. I could see her, beautiful as ever . . . cradling a tiny baby. My baby.

"You may kiss your bride."

This was the first kiss of hopefully - please, God, hopefully - a thousand. The first kiss I would give Nessie as my wife. It had to be perfect for her.

I felt like I was drawn to her like a magnet. It was like the pull of the imprint - I had never felt it so strong since in the seconds before I imprinted, the pull compelling me, _forcing_ me to look at her. Straight in her beautiful eyes so I could change my life forever.

I leaned forward, slowly, not wanting to break the spell. I reached up and cupped Nessie's soft, smooth cheek. I could feel where my ring kept my skin from touching hers. I couldn't take my eyes off of hers; they were like glowing lights, drawing me in.

Then I leaned forward, both of my lips carefully closed, and pressed them to Nessie's. Kissing Nessie was always perfect, but this was . . . heavenly. It was soft, gentle, and I had to pull away way too soon.

I pulled away and searched Nessie's eyes. She watched me for maybe two seconds before she launched herself at me. She threw her arms tight around my shoulders and pressed her face into my neck. I wrapped her in my arms and held her tight.

Mine. Mine. Finally, finally mine. In every way.

"Jacob."

Oh, my name from those lips. In that sweet voice - the voice of my wife.

"Nessie."

I couldn't do anything but hold her for a few long moments, cling to her and feel her small arms tight around my back. My wife.

Finally, when Nessie made no move to pull back from me, I knew I would have to be the stronger one. I'd never been married before, but I was pretty sure you were supposed to talk to the other people in the room after.

I ran my hands slowly over Nessie's back, getting pleasantly surprised each time my skin reached the place where her dress ended and met hers.

I finally was able to tell her, "I think there are some people who've got some stuff to say to us."

And they better hurry up and say it, so I can get you the hell home.

Nessie pulled away, slowly. I stood, keeping her hand tight in mine, helping guide her up. Together, as man and wife, we faced Nessie's family.

Well, my family now too, I guess. Never thought I'd ever be kin to bloodsuckers.

The next ten or fifteen minutes were one big, huge blur for me. I was focused on Nessie, whatever she did, wherever she went, always trying to be just one step behind her. Bells hugged me a few times and Edward did too - I got congratulations from everyone. Even Blondie.

She muttered, "Congratulations, mutt, you somehow managed to marry so far out of your league it's ridiculous - you better find a way to make it up to her."

I didn't disagree with her.

Finally, we were outside, all of our stuff loaded into the Porsche, and I was one step closer to being alone with my . . . wife. I opened Nessie's door for her, making sure she was completely inside before I shut it quietly and practically ran to my side.

I started the car and pulled away, reaching over and taking Nessie's hand. I didn't know what to say. I still felt like I was about to explode out of myself. I wanted to kiss my wife - kiss her hard, show her just how happy and grateful I was that she was mine. But I wouldn't have ruined our wedding kiss like that - I knew I only had one chance to make that perfect. But now . . .

I pulled over a couple of hundred yards after we got back onto the highway, actually practically in the same place as this morning. But this would be a very different encounter. I couldn't wait, and a kiss over the arm rest wouldn't do. I wanted to hold Nessie in my arms.

And I couldn't wait until we got to the house.

I could tell Nessie wasn't sure what was going on, but she was quiet the entire time I put the car in park and got out. Soon, I was on her side, pulling her gently out of the car.

Nessie opened her mouth, probably to ask what was going on, but she'd find out soon enough. I wasn't waiting another second.

I reached down and wrapped my arm firmly around Nessie's waist, lifting her straight up against me. Then I was kissing her, hard and fast and perfect. Nessie made the nicest sound into my mouth, and then she was kissing me back. She wrapped her small arms tight around my neck and traced my lips with her tongue.

I reached my tongue out to taste hers, melding our lips together desperately for a few more seconds before I could gather the strength to pull back enough to say what I needed to.

"I've - I've been dying - to do that - since you - signed the - paper."

Nessie's reached back and pressed her palm to my cheek and I felt a quick flash of unbelievable, unimaginable joy. Nessie's. Nessie's happiness right now. Nessie started to lighten the kiss, bit by bit, until she finally broke it, resting her forehead against mine.

"I'm so happy, Jacob." She leaned back in and kissed me, pressing her top lip between mine. "I'm so, so happy."

If she was happy, then what the hell was I? Was there even a word?

"Nessie, I can't even explain to you what I am right now." Joyous, ecstatic, blissful. "I - I love you so fucking much."

It was exactly romantic, but there it was.

"Me too." She kissed the very edges of my lips. She tasted like . . . pomegranates. Pomegranates and bubblegum. "I love you so fucking much, Jacob, sometimes I can't even see."

Hearing Nessie curse was always hot. But like this . . . right now . . . it was amazing.

I leaned down and caught her lips again, hard, tasting the sweetness of her mouth for a few more awesome seconds before I set her down. My body missed hers, but I was ready to get her home.

Home.

Nessie just smiled and let me help her back into the car. I reached for her hand once I was inside and she gave it to me, but was completely quiet while I drove. I kept rubbing my thumb over her ring, my mark. Everyone who saw it now would know she was mine.

I also noticed, from the corner of my eye, what was wrapped around the wrist of her hand that was laying in her lap. Bella's bracelet. The one I'd given her forever ago - then she'd went and attached that damn bloodsucker's diamond to it. She - Bella must have given it to her.

I was glad. I - I didn't want anyone having any pieces of me - even pieces of my past - except Nessie. Besides, it - it fit Nessie more anyway.

Nessie pulled me out of my thoughts when she asked, "Jacob, where are we going?"

I felt my brow knit. "You don't know?"

She just shook her head, completely innocent.

Well, in that case, I'd just let her be surprised. I bit back a smile and kept driving. Nessie gave a little gasp when I flicked my signal at the turn-off to La Push. I looked over to see her eyes lit up with recognition.

I drove faster once I was on the rez, since my house was close and I definitely didn't want to run into anyone.

"I - I didn't even - " Nessie stuttered as I pulled into the front of my house. "I never even considered - "

"Well, this is my house." I cut the engine and turned towards my beautiful Ness. "And now it is legally mine, so it just made sense. I mean, if you - if you'd rather go somewhere else, we can - "

"No!" Nessie reached out and took my hand, her eyes wide. "No, Jacob, it's - it's so perfect. I just can't believe it didn't occur to me."

"Really?" I mean, besides the cottage or a crummy Forks motel, my house was really our only option.

Nessie just nodded.

"Well . . . " I felt my stomach knot up. "Let's go, then."

I got out and headed over to Nessie's side to help her out, but she hopped out herself before I could. I don't know why she did that sometimes. I went around to the trunk and unlocked it, pulling everything out. Alice had packed Nessie two big suitcases, along with both of our packs from before, but I managed to fit them all in my arms. I set them in front of the door, and heard the trunk click shut once I was halfway there. I turned to see Nessie standing by the truck, smiling.

I clicked the lock and beckoned her to me - of course, she came.

I checked under our door mat (one that Nessie got me for my birthday one year - it had dog-prints on it and said 'Wipe your paws' - she was so cute when she gave it to me, giggling and blushing when I opened it), and of course, the key was there like always.

I remembered another wedding tradition at the last minute. I instructed Nessie to wait outside for me while I loaded everything inside, which took about five seconds. Then I was back with Ness.

"Okay," I said, but before I could finish, Nessie tried to step forward into the house. I held my hand out to stop her. "I'm not sure that's how this works."

I thought Nessie might get it then, but the space between her brows still crinkled just a little. Well, she was about to find out.

I leaned down, wrapping one of my hands carefully around Nessie's thighs and the other around the small of her back. Then I lifted her up into my arms bridal-style. She gasped and her eyes lit up. She was smiling again, bigger than before.

"Watch your head, honey," I warned her, even though I was already doing that, as I stepped through the door.

I kicked the door shut behind me and carried Nessie easily to the living room. Just as I was getting ready to set her down, she reached up and pressed her lips softly to mine.

I set her down and then we just kind of looked at each other. What were we supposed to do now? I couldn't just leap on her, even though I wanted to - I didn't marry Nessie to have sex with her and I needed to make sure she knew that.

But after a second, Nessie just leaned forward into my chest and the awkward moment was over. I wrapped my arms around her and we just stood like that for a second. I noticed, from over Nessie's head, a huge bundle of sunflowers laying on the coffee table and smiled. Then I realized it was probably close to five and Nessie hadn't eaten since lunch.

I asked her if she was hungry and she nodded into my chest. "Is there anything?"

"I think so, actually." I unwrapped her from my arms and took her hand so I could pull her with me to the kitchen. Everything still looked exactly the same as I left it, except way cleaner. I was betting on that being Rachel, so the fridge was probably stocked too. I checked. "Yeah, it looks like a pretty good haul. Rach's been taking good care of the place."

Both the fridge and the freezer were full. Which was good, because I wasn't exactly wanting to be making a trip to the grocery store tonight.

"Is - is she here?"

It took me a second to realize Nessie meant Rachel. The nervousness in her voice was so sweet - Nessie wanted to be alone too.

"No." I couldn't help but laugh a little at Nessie's sweetness. "She's staying with Paul - she has been."

Since Billy died, but I wasn't about to say that right now. I pushed it out of my head.

"Oh. Do you - do you want me to fix something?"

"Na-uh." No way was I letting Nessie do anything tonight - I wasn't a chef, but I knew a few things. I pulled out some hamburger meat that thankfully was already thawed out. "I'm gonna cook."

"You?" Her surprise wasn't lost on me.

"I'm gonna make you the Black's World Famous Secret Spaghetti Recipe." Capitals and all, just like Billy made it. Which was essentially Ragu. I went and pulled two jars of it out of the cabinet, along with a box of spaghetti.

It was the fastest thing I knew how to make, and easy enough that I couldn't mess it up. Too bad anyway.

"I don't thing Ragu counts as a World Famous Secret Spaghetti Recipe," Nessie teased, and for a second I flashed back to eight years ago when I said that very same thing to Billy.

But I'd been trying to impress Bella then - now things were all different.

I pushed the memory away and rolled my eyes at Nessie's lack of faith in me. I ducked down under the counter and pulled out one of our pots, sitting it under the open tap to fill up.

"Just let me do what I do, woman," I teased back, and Nessie gave a little wave of concession.

I set the water to boil, then decided I was wearing too many layers to be in my own house. Besides the fact I was still in my shoes. Who cooked spaghetti in a white shirt anyway?

I undid my shirt and pulled it out of my pants, hanging it over one of the kitchen chairs. Then I slid out of my shoes and socks, sticking the socks inside and sitting them neatly under a chair. Didn't want to start off being a slobby husband.

As soon as I stepped back, Nessie moved into my place, leaning down and pulling off her shoes. Little white heels that of course were perfect on her pretty feet. She was adorable, lining her shoes up perfectly next to mine.

Not that Nessie wasn't gorgeous all the time, but right now she was phenomenal. She was in the prettiest white dress - definitely not a wedding dress, but Nessie didn't need one to look great. It was less than I was used to seeing her in, her pretty shoulders bare except for two thin straps. It came to right at her knees and what you could see of her white legs from under the skirt was amazing too.

I didn't know much about dresses, but I knew this one looked good. Nessie made it look good. And her hair, the curls were softer than usual and the top part was pulled out of her face, kind of like she wore it for our first date. I loved it. Her hair was still down so I could see it, but pulled away so her face wasn't hidden from me.

And her face, well, that was the best part. It was Nessie.

"What?" I realized I had been caught staring. I was completely unrepentant.

"You look so beautiful, Nessie."

Nessie flushed pink and flitted her eyes to the floor before she brought them back up to mine. "Thank you."

"I swear I almost ran across the room and grabbed you when you came through those doors earlier," I confessed, walking forward and wrapping my arm around Nessie's waist, her body moving with only small cues from mine. "I - I know the papers and vows and stuff are important, but I just wanted it to be over so bad so I could have you alone."

Nessie's heart accelerated, and I realized how that sounded.

"You have me alone now."

"I do." I definitely did, but I loosened my hold her her a little anyway so she could relax. "Are you comfortable?"

"I'm fine, Jake," she answered immediately. "Don't worry."

"Do you want to change or something?" I wasn't sure what we were supposed to do, but we'd do whatever Nessie wanted, and if she wanted to change, then I wanted her to feel like she could. "I think Alice gave you a department store full of options, but you've still got your Wal-Mart pajamas too."

That would be fitting. For Nessie to wear the pajamas on our wedding night that she'd worn for the start and entire duration of our relationship.

"O-okay," she finally said quietly. I could tell she was nervous - I was too, but I didn't want her to be. "I guess I'll change."

I reluctantly let go of Nessie to walk over and move our stuff. I realized as I looked through the door to my bedroom just how small it was. I guess I had forgotten - Nessie probably didn't want to sleep with me there, even if we could fit.

Shit. I turned back to Ness, who was just watching me with her pretty eyes.

"Do you - the, the master bedroom is bigger and - and so's the bed and it's got its own bathroom." I wasn't really ready to go into Billy's room yet, but if Nessie - of course if Nessie wanted, I would. "It's small and the shower is handicap, but - "

"No, Jacob." Nessie reached out and touched my arm, and I knew she understood everything. "No. I want to . . . to stay in your room."

I wanted to kiss Nessie again, but I wasn't sure if I'd be able to stop this time. I carried everything into my room, which was unnaturally clean - like dusted and vacuumed clean - and set everything against the back wall.

"Okay." I looked back at Nessie, who was still looking around at the very clean room. "You need anything?"

"I'm going to go get the stuff from the kitchen," she announced suddenly, then literally skipped back into the kitchen. I felt a little guilty about how much I liked watching her gather up our stuff. Our shoes and my shirt.

But I made sure I said, "You don't have to clean up my stuff."

I didn't want her feeling like I . . . expected that of her. She rolled her pretty eyes.

"I know." She shifted her weight, poking one of her hips out more than the other. "I like to, and if I didn't, nothing would ever get done."

She was right, probably, but that wasn't what got me. It was the 'I like to'. Why in the hell would she like cleaning up my mess? But that only made me love her more.

I couldn't help but reach out to touch her cheek. Nessie's eyes darkened, the smallest bit, and her pretty lips parted. And I knew I had to get out of there or I wouldn't be able to.

"I'll leave you to get changed - " But I don't want to. "I wouldn't want to burn the water."

Nessie laughed and I left her, shutting the door behind me to give her privacy. I went back into the kitchen, my stomach tight, and tried not to think about Nessie in my room right now. Our room, getting undressed. Redressed. What would she wear?

I mean, I didn't expect her to come out in something crazy - if she came out in her regular pajamas, I'd be just as happy. But I was still curious.

The water was boiling, so I broke the spaghetti up and dumped it in there. Then all there was left to do was cook the meat, dump the sauce in, and then wait for the noodles to be done.

I found a skillet, dumped the meat in, and set it on high. I dug up a wooden spoon to stir it with and then started thinking. Was there anything else I could cook with this? I mean, spaghetti on its own was kind of plain. And it was our wedding night.

So while the meat was browning, I dug in the freezer until I found some garlic bread. I threw some of that on a tray and set it in the oven, then went back to stirring the meat. The toast was done and I was just stirring the sauce into the cooked meat when I heard my bedroom door open.

I could tell when Nessie got close, not only from her scent, but from the way all the hair on my body stood on end. In a really, really good way.

I looked up and almost choked. Nessie wasn't in her Wal-mart pajamas, she wasn't in a slinky nightgown, she wasn't in lingerie. It was a hundred, thousand times better. Nessie was standing, barefoot with her hair down around her face in my kitchen, wearing my shirt.

She had adjusted it to fit her, rolled up the sleeves like a hundred times, but they still hung to her wrists. Not all the buttons were done up either, because even though it hung past her knees, the way she was standing with one leg in front of the other, exposed a line of pale thigh to my eyes.

There were a couple undone at the top too, and I could just see a round swell. Nessie's breast.

The wedding dress had been something, but this was something else entirely. This was intimate and easy and - and she was wearing my _shirt_. My clothes were on her body. Luck bastards.

For a second, I couldn't even say anything. The ring on her finger caught my eye, glinting in the light.

"You look good, Nessie." It was so, so trivial compared with what I wanted to say, but I didn't know how to say it. I don't think there were words for what Nessie was.

"You like it?" Nessie turned a little bit pink. Just a little. "Alice gave me something specific to wear, but I - I couldn't."

I could only imagine what that little pixie had picked out for her. But she didn't know anything about beauty - this was beauty, right here in front of me, in my shirt.

"This is better," I promised her. Then, because why not, "I like you in my clothes."

"I know you do." Her cheeks got a little darker. "So, what are you doing?"

"I'm almost done." I remembered to cut off the stove, and moved the pan back to a cool burner. "The sauce is done and I'm just waiting on the noodles. You can even go ahead and sit down if you want."

"Do you need any help?"

"No." Not tonight, Ness. "Go ahead and sit down."

Nessie sat obediently, facing me and watching like I was doing something interesting. Her eyes were even a little dark. This girl was gonna kill me.

I drained the noodles and pulled the toast out of the oven, then the plates were ready to make. I fixed up one for each of us, trying to make them look as nice as possible, and poured us some Cokes.

I felt kind of nervous as I handed Nessie her fork. I hadn't cooked in forever - I should have tasted it first.

"If you don't like it, we'll order pizza," I assured her.

Nessie didn't say anything, just twirled some spaghetti onto her fork. She pursed her lips, blowing over the food to cool it down, and her lips were beautiful. I felt my nervousness increase as she took her first bite.

"I'm proud of you, Jake," she said once she had swallowed, smiling. "This is really good."

I couldn't help but grin. "Yeah?"

"Yeah." I jumped a little in surprise when I felt Nessie's tiny bare foot reach out to rest on top of mine. "You've been holding out on me. I didn't know you could cook."

"I can't really." I don't think what I did necessarily counted as cooking. "I pulled some toast out of a bag and stuck it in the oven and boiled some noodles."

"And cooked some meat," Nessie reminded me, smiling.

"And cooked some meat," I agreed.

I started eating then, relieved when I realized it was pretty good. Everything was quiet for a minute, but it was comfortable. Nessie kept her tiny foot rested on top of mine.

I remembered Nessie's promise to go hunting with Edward this morning at breakfast - but this morning, us getting married hadn't been in the plans. So I wasn't sure what she wanted to do.

"Do you - do you still want to go hunting tomorrow?" I asked. "Since Carlisle said you should? I don't want you to get sick."

"I - I don't think I'll get sick, Jacob." But we also didn't think you could pass out either, honey. "But I'll go if you want me to."

This girl was literally the best, most sweetest -

"We can go together, just me and you, or we can invite Edward like you wanted." I definitely didn't want to spend the day after my wedding with anyone but Nessie - but if she wanted to go hunting with her father . . .

"Just me and you, Jake." She smiled, a small, warm smile. My heart lifted. "Just me and you."

I didn't know what else to say, so I just nodded and kept eating. Nessie and I usually talked all the time, but I guess now things were just a little different. What did you talk about on your wedding night? Everything normal just seemed so trivial.

Finally, we were done eating. It felt like it took longer than usual - Nessie ate almost all her food, and that was saying something since I had fixed her more than she probably would have fixed herself. I knew she was probably just trying to make me feel better, but it worked.

I took our plates to the sink, just sitting them there. There was no way I was washing them tonight - all that could be done in the morning. Nessie's bracelet was burning a hole in my pocket and the sunflowers in the living room kept drawing my eye like a magnet. No better time like the present, right?

I walked back to Nessie and held my hand out to her. She gave it to me and let me pull her up. I suddenly felt nervous.

"I have a present for you," I forced out. "It's not much, but . . . "

"Oh, Jake." Nessie reached up and placed her hand against my shoulder - her skin so soft against mine. "That's so sweet. I - I didn't get you anything, I'm sorry - "

"No, no, Nessie, don't worry about it." I wouldn't have her feeling bad - it wasn't like I'd done anything huge. I kind of guided us towards the living room and Nessie went. "Mine isn't even anything, I just . . . I remembered what you said . . . "

God, this was going awkwardly.

I sat down on the couch, pulling Nessie with me. Then I reached over and grabbed the sunflowers and handed them out to her. Her eyes were wide with . . . surprise?

"And - "

I dug out the bracelet from my pocket and held it out too.

Nessie stayed completely quiet, her eyes glued to the bracelet, for what felt like a long time. Then I saw her eyes well up.

What - what had I done?

"Nessie, what - "

"Can you put it on?" Nessie's voice was a little higher than usual, but I was just happy she didn't seem upset. She was . . . happy? I hurried to slip it onto her tiny wrist. "Did - did you make this?"

"I had a lot of spare time today." I ran my thumb along the bracelet, and then along her ring, both so perfect against her skin, like they were meant to be there. "To sit around and think about you."

And there was something else I thought about doing ever since Rachel promised to try and get the flowers for me.

I reached down and pulled one of the smaller flowers out of the bundle. I broke the long stem off, so it was the perfect length for want I wanted to do. I brushed Nessie's hair back from her face and then tucked the stem behind her ear. She was so beautiful like that, the petals just barely brushing the edge of one of her beautiful eyes.

Nessie blinked rapidly and then the tears in her eyes broke loose, running down her cheeks.

"Thank you so much, Jacob." The next thing I knew, Nessie was in my arms, her arms tight around my back. "Thank you so, so much."

"I just so glad you like it," I admitted, relieved. And so, so glad to have her close. "I'm so glad every time I do something that makes you happy, Nessie."

"You make me so happy, Jacob."

The next thing I felt were Nessie's soft lips, kissing my shoulder, my neck. The side of my arm. She was so amazing. The fact that we were even here was so amazing.

"I can't believe you married me."

"I was just about to say the same thing."

And because that was just about the craziest, sweetest thing I'd ever heard, I had to kiss her. I pulled back and pressed our lips together, threading my fingers through her hair and letting my other hand reach around to rest on her back.

Nessie rested her hands on either side of my neck and shifted her head, parting her lips easily when my tongue attempted to gain access. She was so beautiful - so, so, _so_ beautiful and she was mine. I could hardly stand it.

I let my tongue taste along the inside of her lip and resisted the urge to pull her closer. Not yet. I wouldn't move fast tonight - or today. It was still light outside. We had all night if we were even going to do this. I wasn't going to rush anything - I was just happy to be where I was.

Nessie would set the pace for us tonight.

A few seconds later, Nessie's hands on my neck grew a little firmer and she pulled her lips from between mine. She gave me the best, most aroused, sleep-eyed look as she opened her eyes to look back at me.

But I knew Nessie wasn't sleepy - I could hear her heart pounding, and mine too. I could _smell_ her.

She bit that lip. "Do you want to go to your room, Jacob?

And the pace had been set.

* * *

**Coming up:**

"You're so beautiful, Nessie." I was an idiot - a fucking high-school dropout. I should have stayed in school for the sole purpose of learning a thousand more ways to tell Nessie how she looked right now. "Your body - I've never seen - even when I imagined - "

"I was nervous." Nervous? I licked along her pulse point and slid my hand under the arch of her back so I could have her even closer. "I - no one's ever seen - I didn't know if - you would - "

No one's ever seen. I was the only one.

I had to see her face then.

"You don't know how good that makes me feel, Ness." How happy, how delirious, how fucking _hot_. "How amazing. To know that I'm the only one who will ever get to see you like this."


	48. My Wife?

**_A/N:_** Hello, hello, I believe this is what you've all been waiting for. Well, one of the ones you've all been waiting for, at least. I apologize for the short coming up, but it's compensated by an extra long one over at _HoM_ - keeping it short was the best way to give the full affect. Hm, not much to say here, since as usual, Jake speaks for himself. I love the lyrics for this chapter - the entire song really expresses Jacob's feelings towards Nessie so clearly.

And yes, I know it's long, but I don't think you really mind. *wink*. Next chapter's longer.

**_Disclaimer:_** I own nothing. Hm, except a really cool still a friend of mine sent me from the theater of long-haired Jacob. :) She lives in Australia, so _she's_ already seen it. Anyway, I don't even own that, but I pretend I do. Thanks, **DiamondBlack**!

* * *

My . . . Wife?

* * *

_pardon the way that i stare  
there's nothing else to compare  
the sight of you leaves me weak  
there are no words left to speak_

_- lauryn hill, can't take my eyes off of you_

-

"Do you - do you want to?"

I had to make sure. I wouldn't let Nessie push this along for my benefit, because it's what she thought I wanted. I wanted - I _needed_ Nessie to want this. Or there's no way I could . . .

That bottom lip went even further between her teeth, and she nodded.

My stomach was suddenly tighter than it'd ever been - from nerves and excitement and happiness and love. I stood up and pulled Nessie with me, leaning down to lift her easily into my arms once she was steady. She made a quiet sound and latched onto my neck, but I just laughed.

Silly Nessie. She should know I'd never drop her.

It was like . . . coming full circle or something, to carry Nessie like this to my room. The last time she had been here, she had left at a run, tears streaming down her cheeks after the worst misunderstanding of our lives. Now she was entering it again as my wife.

I kicked the door shut behind me as I walked in - we were alone in the house, but it still felt better like this. More private - closed off from the world.

I kneeled down at the side of my bed, setting Nessie down on the edge of the bed. I decided to stay where I was, on my knees in front of her, because it was the perfect angle to kiss her in. She was so small.

I leaned in between Nessie's knees and kissed her. These kisses were different from the ones in the living room - hotter, deeper. They had promise in them. But only if Nessie wanted. I would be slow.

I ran my hands slowly over her shoulders and down her arms, up and down her sides. I touched almost every inch of her - up her back, down my thighs. I tried not to put any . . . assumption into the touches. I didn't want Nessie to feel like I was pushing for something; I only wanted to feel her and make her feel good.

I slipped my tongue into the crease of Nessie's lips and she parted them for me easily. When our tongues touched this time, Nessie make a small sound into my mouth. The hottest little mewling sound. Her small hands on my shoulders gripped hard, and I smelled Nessie's desire grow stronger.

I leaned in even closer, unable to stop myself, and put a little more passion into my kisses. There was nothing like Nessie's lips. Nothing tasted better. Nothing felt better than Nessie's hands on my body, sliding down my chest towards my stomach. I felt her tiny hands fist the material of my undershirt and pull it out of my pants, up my stomach.

My breath hitched in my throat. Nessie wanted my shirt off.

I had to break away from her lips to do it, so I did it quick, pulling my shirt up over my head and throwing it across my bed to the other side. My belt wasn't the most comfortable thing in the world either, so I decided I'd get rid of it too, but once Nessie's eyes laid on my hands on my belt buckle, I felt her heart falter.

Poor Nessie.

"It's just uncomfortable," I explained quickly. I didn't want - couldn't have her thinking . . . "That's all."

I pulled my belt out and dropped it, glad when Nessie's body relaxed. Then she reached out and pulled me back to her, wrapping her tiny fingers around the back of my neck. Nessie wasn't afraid, just startled by the quickness of it. That's why slow was good.

Even now, her hands were running over my chest, down to my stomach. I held Nessie's waist tightly, finally letting one of my hands trail up to her breast. I knew that would make Nessie feel good. I massaged her gently and she moaned. Yes. I ran my thumb over her nipple, loving when she hardened against me. She gasped my name and her lips stilled for the shortest second when I did.

Then she reached up and covered her hand with mine. She slid it slowly off of her breast - until my fingers felt plastic. A button.

"Are - are you sure, Nessie?" I asked above both of our pounding hearts. I would say that a thousand times tonight if I had to. "We don't have to rush - "

"I'm sure, Jacob."

When I opened my mouth to warn her that I didn't want her doing this for me, Nessie kissed me. I took the hint.

And now I was about to undress my wife.

I brought my other hand up and undid the very first button, the tension in my stomach growing worse. I was fighting tooth and nail to keep from getting hard right now - I didn't want Nessie to feel it. I didn't want her to feel the slightest bit rushed.

I slipped my tongue past Nessie's lips, kissing her deeply to try and distract her pounding heart from me undoing the next button. I took my time, my lips not leaving Nessie's once, but soon I felt the fabric give and knew I had opened them all.

My heart was in my throat.

I wasn't sure how to approach the next step, so I brought my hands back up to Nessie's neck. I slid my hands down her shoulders, slipping my thumbs just under the open collar and I knew Nessie understood and was comfortable with it when she removed her arms from my neck.

So I could slid my shirt down her arms, and off of her body completely. I didn't dare even to look, but my body was very aware that Nessie's body, inches away from mine, was now very nearly naked.

I brought my hands back up to her neck, unsure if I was allowed or . . . welcome to touch. Maybe Nessie would want a second to adjust. I had - I had never seen her like this.

Nessie's lips pulled away from mine.

"Jacob." She ran her hands over my shoulders, the best feeling. "You can look at me."

Yes.

I kept my eyes on Nessie's for a long second, making sure there was absolutely no doubt in them. There wasn't.

So, keeping my eyes on Nessie's, I sat back on my heels. I let my hands slide down her arms as I went. Then - after a deep breath to prepare myself - I slid my eyes down.

And all of my imagining, all of my fantasies and nights spent in this very bed wondering what Nessie's body would look like couldn't compare to what I was seeing now. Couldn't even hold a candle to it.

I had felt Nessie's entire body over more than once - I knew every inch of her by heart. By touch. But by sight . . . I was seeing so much more now.

Nessie's body was . . . glorious. There was no other word for it. No, there were other words for it, but I didn't have them. Normal people didn't have the words to describe what Nessie was.

Her pale white shoulders down to the beautiful, soft swells of her breasts. Her breasts that I was seeing more of than I ever had before, the one time Nessie wore her shiny black top. She was wearing a dark green - my favorite color - bra that made her skin look amazing, not that it could ever look any other way, her breasts rising out of the top of it.

Down to her beautiful, white, completely flat stomach. Down to her rounded hips - curved perfectly, leading down into her thighs. She was wearing the same dark green panties and my body was very aware that just under them . . . there was nothing.

Then I felt Nessie's hand wrap around mine, shaking me out of my stupor. Barely.

"And touch me." She rested my hand against her collarbone, inches away from her breast. "I'm your . . . wife, Jacob. You can touch me wherever you want."

The sentences registered with me in fragments. Touch her. My wife. Touch her . . . wherever I wanted.

I suddenly wanted everywhere. I suddenly _needed _her - my wife. I needed her.

I leaned forward and took her mouth firmly, still careful to be gentle and wrapped my hands tight around her bare waist, lifting her easily and moving her back on the bed. Laying her down so I could lay over her.

Nessie and I had laid like this countless time, but not like this. Not when I could feel every inch of Nessie's torso pressed against mine. Her soft breasts pressed firmly against my chest, skin against skin, and her stomach brushing mine. I felt Nessie's legs close tight around my hips and held back a groan.

I rested my weight on one of my arms, but I needed the other one. To touch Nessie - my wife. Like she'd said. To touch her breasts and her stomach and her sides and her legs. Every inch of her. I wanted to know every inch perfectly.

I leaned down to kiss her neck, knowing Nessie liked that. She squirmed under me, her breath rushing past my ear.

"You're so beautiful, Nessie." I was an idiot - a fucking high-school dropout. I should have stayed in school for the sole purpose of learning a thousand more ways to tell Nessie how she looked right now. "Your body - I've never seen - even when I imagined - "

"I was nervous." Nervous? I licked along her pulse point and slid my hand under the arch of her back so I could have her even closer. "I - no one's ever seen - I didn't know if - you would - "

No one's ever seen. I was the only one.

I had to see her face then.

"You don't know how good that makes me feel, Ness." How happy, how delirious, how fucking _hot_. "How amazing. To know that I'm the only one who will ever get to see you like this."

I moved my weight a little so I could see the glorious body under me again. How could she have been nervous?

"Your body is so amazing." She had to know. I couldn't even stop touching her - her stomach and her breasts, anything. I had to be touching her. "I - don't be nervous, Nessie, not with me."

"I just - I just wanted you to - to like me." Like her? I fucking _loved _her. "I mean, my body. I just wanted you to like my body like this - you're the only person I ever want to - to want me, Jacob, and I was just - "

This girl - this _woman - _my _wife_. How did she doubt herself? I wouldn't allow it. I would drive it straight from her head - I'd do whatever it takes until she saw herself for what she was.

She wanted me to like her body? I'd show her, honestly, just how I felt about it.

"Let me show you how much I like it."

I kissed Nessie hard, careful not to be rough, laying my body back down over her and finally let my desire overtake me. I got hard faster than I ever had, against Nessie's soft body, and she ground herself against me.

We both groaned. The sound was more than I could take and I allowed myself something I very rarely did, pressing my hips into Nessie's.

I had literally just thought there was no way this could get any better when I felt Nessie's small hands reach down my body to the button of my pants. I stopped.

"Your turn." That was only fair, and I thankfully had underwear on, so I sat back on my heels to do what she asked of me, but Nessie's hand stopped me. "I want to do it."

I seriously could have jumped her again. The sexy, aroused, primal look in her eyes was almost too much for me. But I would always, always give Nessie what she wanted.

And if my wife wanted to take my pants off, who was I to resist?

"Then come do it, Nessie."

I expected Nessie to get up on her knees with me, but she just reached up and grabbed my arm, pulling me back down against her. I let Nessie keep control of the kiss for a few seconds, and then I felt her attempting to turn us. I went with her, moving carefully so we wouldn't fall off my small-ass bed, until Nessie was on top.

I immediately gripped her hips - I hadn't had a good chance to feel them bare like this, and I wasn't disappointed. I let one hand reach back to feel Nessie's ass, squeeze the softness of it gently, and Nessie ground herself against me the smallest bit. And made another hot noise.

A few seconds later, Nessie pushed herself up, using my chest for balance. She slid back until she was straddling my thighs, her shifting rubbing herself right against my thigh. I couldn't feel it as well as I would have liked through both layers I was wearing, but Nessie mewled again and the look on her face was gold.

She looked so fucking good above me. Like every dream I ever had, only better.

The next thing I felt were Nessie's fingers on the waistband of my pants. Her wrists brushed my hard-on as she slipped her fingers just under the waistband and I groaned. I couldn't hold it back.

Nessie seemed not to need any help undoing my button and fly and that was good, because I wasn't sure I could have helped her. Her fingers and wrists, innocently, unintentionally, kept brushing me where I wanted to feel her the most . . . and it was heaven.

Then Nessie slipped her hands inside my pants, down past my hips and I was frozen. Until she said, "Lift up, Jake."

I obeyed her immediately, lifting my hips off the bed so she could get my pants the rest of the way off. Nessie's hands slid back further than they'd ever been, brushing passed my ass before she started to pull them down. Nessie sidled down my thighs, taking my pants with her until they were completely off.

I was so fucking absorbed in how Nessie looked over me like that, crawling back to slide my pants off, I didn't catch that she was about to throw my pants at the foot of the bed until the last second. I held my hand out for them and threw them on the floor by my head once Nessie passed them to me.

The condom was in there and if this . . . progressed, I wasn't going to want to lift my body off of Nessie's for very long.

Nessie crawled back up to my level, only making me harder than before, which I'm sure she felt when she straddled my hips again. She ground herself against me, and I held her hips tight while I strained my head up to steal a kiss.

Nessie left my mouth after a few seconds to kiss down my jaw and neck which was amazing except for the the fact that she had to slide down a little to get there. Nessie's scent was so strong now, but it wasn't unleashing the wolf - it was sating him. Keeping him out of the way so Jake could just be with his Nessie.

I couldn't stop my hips from straining up, even if Nessie's were a little below mine. I massaged Nessie's ass harder than before, the fact that it made Nessie feel good only making the feeling of her in my hand even better for me.

Nessie's lips parted against my throat, and I felt the slow drag of her teeth.

"Nessie." I love you. I need you. You're beautiful. _Nessie_.

Nessie's lips left my skin, but I could still feel her breath against my neck.

"Show me how to touch you, Jacob."

I immediately tensed up. For one because hearing those words out of Nessie's mouth was just about one of the hottest things I'd ever - and two, because I wanted . . . to feel her touch, so, so bad. But . . . it didn't feel right.

It felt like she would be . . . servicing me. Just doing something she thought I wanted, getting no enjoyment out of it for herself, and I - that was the last fucking thing I wanted.

"Nessie, you don't - "

"I want to." Damn. Her tongue lapped at the front of my throat. "I want to touch you so bad, Jacob."

Fuck. Why did she have to say shit like that?

Could she - could she mean it? Did she really, actually, from her own desire and not hers to please me, want to touch me?

"Please, Jacob." No, Nessie, not like this. Don't beg me. Don't rub yourself against me like that, you know it makes me weak. "Please show me."

I felt myself give in.

"Are you sure?" I felt Nessie's head bob up and down against my neck eagerly and I resigned myself. The disturbing thing about it was how not-disappointed I was. "Sit back."

Nessie obeyed me immediately, just watching me with her wide eyes as I slid back to brace myself against the headboard. I wasn't sure exactly how people did this, but this seemed to be the best way. I beckoned Nessie and she came, letting me adjust her easily so she rested across my thighs.

And then I took a second just to look at her. Her beautiful eyes and swollen lips and gorgeous hair. The sunflower still tucked behind one ear. I had completely forgotten it - nothing but Nessie drew my eyes now.

I leaned in and pressed our lips together, threading my fingers into the soft curls at the base of her neck. I used my other hand to reach up and pluck out the flower - there was no need for that now. It would just start getting in the way.

Nessie looked surprised to see the flower when I pulled back with it; looks like she'd forgotten about it too. It was less embarrassing for her though because she hadn't been looking straight at it. Who could blame me though for not noticing a flower when I had all this to look at?

I brushed the flower back and forth past Nessie's lips, imagining the whole time it was mine doing that to her. I wonder if Nessie was too. After a few passes, I got tired of _pretending_ it was my lips when I could have the reality. I set the flower on my nightstand.

For some reason, I suddenly felt self-conscious. I licked my lips, to make sure they weren't too dry or rough before I leaned back in to kiss Nessie again. Nessie accepted my kiss, but it was different from the others - she was much less forward, more soft. She was waiting for me to lead her.

So after a few seconds to brace myself, I reached out and found Nessie's right hand. I was at the same time excited beyond belief, nervous, and disgusted with myself as I slid Nessie's hand up my leg.

I thought it'd be easier for her, like this, to warm her into it. Up my leg, over onto my hip. Then over to where - no matter how much it disgusted me - I wanted her touch the most.

It was heaven.

Her hands, even just resting against me like this was amazing. Intellectually, you would think it wouldn't be much different from feeling any part of her body against me, but it was. This was deliberate, her hands on me, touching me.

"Jacob." I shut my eyes tight and tried to keep control of myself, only opening them when I heard my angel say my name. Nessie touched me again, brushing her fingers lightly over me. "Jacob, this isn't - I want - "

"What, honey?" No matter what heaven this was, if Nessie didn't want to be doing it, we wouldn't. "What do you want?"

"Show me how you do it." Nessie's eyes fluttered away from me, her fingers still moving absently over me and making it hard to concentrate. "Show me how you do it . . . when you're alone."

God. Oh, God.

It didn't escape me what Nessie was asking for; she knew - she'd even _seen_ once. She knew I usually did that in the shower. Nessie wanted to touch me, with nothing else - without my shorts between us.

I felt so fucking torn.

Then Nessie rubbed her fingers against me again. "Are you - "

"I'm sure, Jacob." There was a little bit of annoyance, but mostly desperation. Nessie . . . really did want this. "I'm so sure."

I was suddenly . . . nervous. I brought my hands down to the waistband of my shorts, my eyes locked on Nessie's the whole time. Besides stripping Nessie of her shirt, we hadn't done anything too far past where we'd stalled ourselves at before. But now . . . this would be so much farther than we'd even been.

I shifted my hips and slid the waistband of my shorts over myself and down. It felt almost . . . wrong, exposing myself to Nessie like this. Like I was some sort of dirty old man, but I was also . . . nervous.

Countless people had seen me naked - being in the pack, you got used to it - but now . . . I felt . . . shy? I wasn't used to that feeling.

Nessie's breath hitched, and I knew she felt the movement, but her eyes stayed firmly on mine. Sweet Nessie.

She leaned in and pressed her lips against mine hard. I love her so much.

"You can look," I forced myself to say when she pulled away, in case she was waiting for permission. "If you want."

I don't think I'd ever been so nervous as when Nessie's pretty eyes started sliding down my body. She was sweet, going slowly, down my chest and stomach first. When she finally reached her . . . goal, I knew it. Her eyes widened, and she drew that lip between her teeth.

Was it wishful thinking, or did her eyes darken a little bit?

Even though the inside of my head was freaking out, my body seemed to like the attention of Nessie's eyes because, embarrassingly, I grew even harder. Nessie gasped.

Nessie's eyes flashed back to mine, and I wasn't sure what to do. Had I scared her? I wasn't, I mean none of us - the wolves, we were all . . . we're big guys. Everywhere. Had that startled her? I never wanted Nessie to be scared.

But then she just leaned forward and kissed me, her tiny palm coming to rest on my stomach. I was already turned on and it was so close to where I wanted her - the muscles under her hand twitched.

"Show me, Jake."

Was that all?

Slowly, still giving Nessie time to stop if she changed her mind, I covered her hand with mine. I pulled her hand down my stomach to my hip, and then - I guided Nessie's hand up and around me.

God_damn_.

I had never felt _anything_ like Nessie's skin against mine, touching me, _there_. Where I had only touched myself before.

Nessie gasped again. Her fingers were wrapped around me as far as they would go, but they still didn't reach all the way around - her hands were so small.

After a second to adjust and make sure I wasn't going to die from sensory overload, I remembered I was supposed to be showing Nessie. With my hand over hers, I guided her hand up and then down.

It was phenomenal. God. I don't know what the difference between my hand and Nessie's was, but I had never felt pleasure like that before.

I fucking gasped.

I guided Nessie for a few more motions, up and down, up and down, to make sure she understood before I dropped my hands away from hers. I gripped the sheets, hard, like I was gripping my control.

Nessie's small hand stroked me on her own, the awareness that Nessie was the one doing it only making it a thousand times better. I groaned.

"Is - is that okay?"

"Yes." Okay? Fucking _okay_? "Yes, Nessie, that's perfect."

Then she sped up - just a little, but it was perfect. She found a rhythm, entirely on her own. It was like she knew exactly how to touch me. It was insane.

It wasn't thirty more seconds before I couldn't control my hips anymore. Not completely. They started moving up in time with Nessie's perfect fingers, and then Nessie sped up again.

Then her other hand, the one not touching me, slid up my stomach. Then, deliberately, her fingers brushed across my nipple.

It was sensory overload. Nessie was everywhere.

I bit my lip, hard, to keep my mouth shut. I had never felt the urge to _cry out_ like this. To literally open my mouth and scream or moan or fucking cry or something. But I wouldn't. I would control myself - I wouldn't unlock myself to the beast when Nessie was this close. I wouldn't ruin this.

Nessie sped up _again_ and I shut my eyes. My brain didn't have enough power to operate all my senses at once - the feel and scent of her was more than enough. I couldn't handle the sight of Nessie too. Not right now.

My hips gained a little more control over my brain and I started thrusting a little harder. The friction was so fucking amazing; I loved this woman so much. How could any person make someone feel like this?

Then the next thing I felt was Nessie launching herself at me. She was stroking me faster than ever now, and her lips were literally attacking mine. Nessie pulled my bottom lip between hers and ran her tongue over it.

I moaned out loud at the sudden . . . moreness of it. Nessie's tongue lapped at my lips almost frantically and Nessie's scent was surging around us and she was still stroking me fast and I was so, so close -

"Okay, Nessie." I forced my hand down to Nessie's to stop her. My body still couldn't resist one last thrust though - a parting taste of the fucking awesome friction. "That's - that's enough."

I knew Nessie wouldn't know, but I was entirely too close to falling over - and now was not the time or place for that.

"But you're not - you didn't - " She was beautiful, even in her confusion. Her eyes were so dark. "You didn't - finish."

My heart swelled at her sweetness, the concern in her eyes. My free hand slid up Nessie's stomach and sweet breasts, up to wrap around the curls at the base of her neck.

I think . . . I knew where Nessie's intentions were heading for tonight, and . . . well. I knew Nessie didn't know much about how guys bodies worked - hell, I didn't know much about hers. But -

"I - I don't want to finish now."

I had decided that Nessie's reaction to that statement would be my answer. If she looked scared or nervous, I knew we shouldn't progress any further tonight. But she only looked a little more frustrated.

"Can't you - can't you - " She took a deep breath and shook her head like she was trying to clear it out. "Can't you finish twice?"

Nessie's fingers, still wrapped around me, tightened a little.

And then I thought, could I? The situation in which I would need to . . . finish twice had never risen. I'd always used . . . that as a means to relieve sexual frustration - it wasn't like I sat around all day, playing with it.

I didn't know. What if I couldn't and ruined the rest of the night for Nessie? That would be horrible.

But then I looked Nessie over, her beautiful face, lips parted and panting slightly. Her breasts pressed together from the way her hands were on my body, her gorgeous stomach leading down to those hips and thighs that were straddling me.

Nessie was arousal in itself. I was pretty sure I could.

"Is that what you want?"

And maybe - maybe . . . finishing, as Nessie called it, now would help. Later. Maybe I would be more in control, which would be invaluable in making sure Nessie . . . was satisfied.

"Yes."

I let my head roll back against the wall, my hand dropping from Nessie's. I was already mentally trying to prepare myself for what I knew would - excuse the pun - come. I knew, already, it would be unlike anything I had ever felt.

I just hoped my body was able to handle it.

And that Nessie was too.

And since my mind was on how Nessie would handle this, I remembered something pretty important at the last moment. The mess. That was a sure fire way to freak Nessie out and I wasn't risking . . . getting anything on her. No way. I'd already allowed this to get too far already.

"Wait," I warned her.

I reached down beside the bed and pulled my undershirt off the ground, gently removing Nessie's hand from my body so I could drape it over myself. Then I guided her hand back.

There. I wasn't sure exactly how it'd work, but it'd deal with the most embarrassing issue.

"Why, Jacob?" Nessie's sweet voice asked, even as she started to touch me again. It wasn't as mind-blowing as before, since I couldn't feel her soft skin against mine, but it was still otherworldly. "Why like this?"

"This is better." Now was not the time for a Biology lesson or an argument from Nessie about how she didn't care. Even now I couldn't stop my hips from thrusting up into her hand. "Just trust me, Nessie."

I guess she decided too, because she leaned in and started kissing my shoulder, her hand getting back into her rhythm again. Her scent was so, so fucking hot. I held her waist for a little, but then realize what else I'd like to have in my hands. I slid my hand back to grip her ass.

I was surprised - and even more unbelievably turned on - to feel Nessie arch her back out towards my hand. Giving me access.

It was amazing. One of Nessie's hands on my body and the other on my neck while she laid hot kisses down the other side of it. One of my hands cupping her soft ass and the other on her thigh. I was soaring.

"Faster, Nessie." I was surprised to hear myself say it, plead for it, but it was what I needed. "Please."

Nessie immediately sped up, perfectly, and soon we had a rhythm. It was so, so good, but my body kept spurring me on.

"Nessie - "

I didn't even have to finish asking, Nessie was already stroking me faster. Her fingers were so wonderfully, wonderfully talented and my body was so completely full of love and lust and everything else and before I knew it, I felt the tidal wave come roaring up.

I suddenly needed my Nessie - I pulled her against me, her soft breasts brushing my chest, her full lips letting me kiss her exactly how I wanted and needed.

I rose high, higher than I ever had.

"Don't - don't stop, Nessie, please." _Please. _

She didn't.

She kept stroking me perfectly, like she'd done it a thousand times before, and kissing me just the way I needed.

Then I finally fell over.

It was more powerful than _anything_ I'd ever felt. It was like my brain was detached from my body and all I could feel was pleasure. My brain couldn't even form thoughts - my body could hardly even tolerate the intensity.

My hips raised up off the bed hard, actually lifting Nessie, my entire body feeling like it was going jagged. It was like pleasure was hardwired straight into every one of my pores, like the sun was exploding . . . there wasn't words for what this was.

And Nessie was there for all of it. She was the cause of all of it.

Her hands didn't falter on my body the entire time. Finally, finally, as I came down, the thrusts of my hips slowing and my awareness slowly coming back, Nessie slowed her hand too. It was like she knew exactly what I needed, all the time.

But after a few more strokes, it was too much. Even through the shirt, which had been a lifesaver by the way, since there was no way I would have been able to be aware enough to deal with that. So I reached down and pulled Nessie's hand gently away.

I still couldn't open my eyes. My body felt weak and useless, but I was happier and more sated than I'd ever been. The wolf was silent.

When I finally pulled my eyes open, I found Nessie's focused down between our bodies. I watched her face go from confusion to understanding. Then she blushed.

When she lifted her eyes back up to me, she blushed even darker. Damn.

I reached up heavily and cupped Nessie's face with my left hand. Then I pulled her in to me and kissed her, gently.

"Thank you, Nessie." So, so much. I reached down between us and cleaned up, throwing my undershirt off the bed and fixing my shorts so I could slide Nessie up into my lap. I kissed her beautiful eyelids, and then her cheeks. "You - that was so amazing. You are so amazing."

"It was amazing for me too, Jacob." Mm . . . her voice. It felt like years since I'd heard it. "I - I can't believe you let me do that for you."

I wasn't about to get into it about how selfish an action it was on my part, not right now. So I just kissed her. I felt so good - loose and relaxed and comfortable, but Nessie was the opposite. Her body was tight above mine, her scent was still strong as ever. Her hips pressing almost mindlessly into mine as we kissed.

I think Nessie needed a little help now. God, I could hardly wait.

I ran my hand up Nessie's thigh, up to where it went into her hip. Traced my fingers over where her panties separated me from her skin. I took one more kiss and pulled back.

"Should we take care of you now?"

Nessie's eyes darkened, and - and from her scent, I could tell she liked the idea. But she just shook her head and ran a hand over my chest.

"Can we - get under the covers?"

I just looked at her. Beautiful and sexy and completely mine. My wife.

I knew Nessie wasn't cold. And judging by the fact that she had just had her hands all over me while she was half-naked and straddling my thighs, I don't think shyness was an issue.

But Nessie's eyes were definitely shy. Suddenly, I was too, but I was determined not to show it.

* * *

**Coming up:**

Nessie was quiet, but that was okay. Maybe now wasn't exactly the time to talk.

I tried my best to be gentle as I . . . well, there was no other word for it - explored. It was hard, since lust was pounding in my body and my brain and thoughts wouldn't exactly form how I wanted them to, but I had to do this. I had to figure out Nessie's body, so I could help her and not hurt her. And then finally, make love to her.

If she would let me.


	49. Home

**_A/N:_** All right, y'all, here is The Chapter from Jacob's POV. I obviously know even less about this than the same chapter in _HoM_, but we'll see how it works out. I'm really happy with it, so I hope you are too.

And so . . . I've seen New Moon. Twice, don't you judge me. You all know the only reason I went - the bootleggers better get to work because there's no way I'm waiting for the DVD to come out. Besides, I need to be able to fast forward to the good parts. :)

Also, something else I'm like to say is that if you're going to leave me a critical review, please don't do it anonymously. I'm not going to flame you or harass you or denounce you, but I'd just like the chance to reply and express my views like I allowed you all to express yours by enabling anonymous reviews.

So, yes. Love y'all!

**_Disclaimer:_** Own nothing, but Beautiful Skin is my favorite song. One of them anyway - Youtube it. I demand it.

* * *

Home

* * *

_you're my beginning, my end  
__you're my sister, lover, and friend_

_- goodie mob, beautiful skin_

-

"If you want to, Ness." I would always give her what she wanted, whatever she wanted.

Nessie wriggled down to the edge of the bed so I could pull back the covers. I rolled under and then gestured for Nessie. She came, and I pulled her easily under me. Then finally, I had my Nessie in my bed.

Something I'd dreamed about for more than a year, and now it was here.

I pressed easy kisses to Nessie's neck, knowing she liked that. Then to the front of her throat, kissing and tasting her sweet skin. Nessie had taken care of me, and now I was going to take care of her. I was going to take care of her so good she wouldn't know what hit her.

Nessie's legs wrapped themselves around my hips, and I already felt lust tightening in the pit of my stomach again. I kissed down her collarbone and Nessie wrapped her arms around my back, under my arms, holding me against her.

I slid the strap of her bra out of the way when I kissed across her shoulder so I could kiss the skin underneath it. Skin I had never kissed before. The softness of Nessie's breasts rubbed back and forth against my throat as I kissed my way back to her other shoulder and I bit back a growl. Bit back the urge to dip my head lower and do something else I know Nessie liked.

But slow, Jake. Slow.

Nessie's body was arching against me and she was panting, one of my favorite sounds. I loved that I could make her do that. I wanted to make her lose control completely, put herself in my hands and just let me take care of her - but I knew there was trust to build first.

And so I would be slow.

But when I snaked my tongue out to taste along her other shoulder, she gasped and arched even harder against me.

"Take it off."

I didn't ask her what she said because I heard her. I didn't ask her what she meant because I understood. And I didn't ask her if she was sure because I knew she was.

I just slid my hand under her back, up her soft skin until my fingers bumped the clasp. Then, easily, I unhooked it. Nessie's heart was doing laps and so was mine. I slid the other strap down her arm and then pulled the bra away, dropping it God knows where.

And then I could see her.

Like I had never seen her before. My hands had memorized Nessie's breasts a long damn time ago, but now my eyes could.

And they were perfect. Round and full and the perfect size for my hand, her nipples and the area around them a rosy pink. The exact same color she turned when she was barely blushing.

I noticed vaguely that Nessie was fidgeting under me, maybe uncomfortable at being exposed, but it didn't register until I saw her reach her arm up to cover herself. I caught it before she could cover up the beautifulness that was herself.

"Don't cover yourself in front of me, Nessie." I was careful to make my voice gentle, but I didn't try to take out the seriousness. Nessie was my wife, and I wouldn't have her shame away from me. "I'm your husband. If - if you're not ready for this, I'll help you get redressed and . . . and we can take things slower, but I don't want you to hide from me."

I didn't want to. Fuck knows I didn't want to stop now, but I would for her. Of course I would.

Nessie's arm dropped, but she didn't say anything. I had to check.

"Do we need to stop, Nessie?"

Nessie's eyes watched me for a long time before she said, "No, Jacob."

Yes.

So I let myself reach up and run my hand across her, my eyes glued to the sight. I'd touched Nessie a thousand times, but now I could see it and it was so, so much better. It was literally like Nessie's breasts were made to fit into my hand. I cupped them, running my thumb across her nipple, and they just fit so perfectly. I could never touch another person like this.

And no one could ever touch Nessie like me.

"You're beautiful, Nessie." I tore my eyes back up to her face, feeling bad for continuing to use the word beautiful when it didn't even compare with her. But I didn't have another one. "Every part of you."

I knew Nessie needed to hear that. I didn't want her _ever _feeling like she had to cover herself in front of me.

"Kiss me, Jacob."

I didn't have a problem with that.

I was made for giving Nessie want she wanted, and if she wanted to be kissed, then kissed she would get. I kept my hands on her breasts though, touching and teasing and loving the short moments when I felt them brush against my chest.

Kissing Nessie was amazing, but I kept focusing back on her breasts. I wanted to taste them. When I'd sucked Nessie through her shirt before, I could barely taste her, but now I knew I would be able to.

I waited until I couldn't anymore, and then I finally broke away from Nessie's lips and started trailing kisses back down her neck. I think she knew what was coming, because her breathing sped up. I liked to think she was as excited as me.

When I finally reached my goal, I didn't waste a second flicking my tongue out to taste Nessie's nipple. Nessie whined, loud, and arched against me. Her scent surged - it didn't help that her tiny-ass panties were the only thing separating me from smelling it undiluted.

So Nessie liked that? I thought she would.

I circled my tongue around her, slowly, before I gave in and pulled her nipple past my lips. I barely registered Nessie's fingers in my hair or her breathy moans, because fuck, this girl tasted like _heaven_.

Before too long, I switched, giving Nessie's left breast some attention. It was just as sweet as her right, but it was nice to feel her harden even more against my tongue. My hands wandered down Nessie's body, sliding down her thigh and cupping her hip. I found myself playing with the thin strip of fabric that laid across it.

I think Nessie liked that too, because her body strained up against my stomach. I could feel the dampness of her underwear against my skin and it unlocked something primal inside of me.

Nessie was my mate, my imprint, my wife. And she wanted me.

And finally, finally I could have her.

I fingered the hem of those damn panties and released Nessie from my mouth. I looked straight up at her - I had to see her face when I asked.

"Ness?"

But I didn't even have to say the words, because Nessie was already nodding her head. Holy fuck.

I sat back on my heels and took a second to look at Nessie from this angle. Laid out on my bed, almost naked. In only a tiny pair of green panties, her hair all fanned out on my pillow. Fucking sexy as hell. Her eyes glazed over with lust.

God, I needed this girl.

I reached down and rubbed my hands over the front of her hips, down to her thighs and the back up to where her stomach started. The muscles there tightening under my hands.

I was trying to calm her, sooth her. I did this a few times before I slipped my fingers under the the bands on either side. Nessie's heart thundered, but she was completely quiet. My heart was thundering too, but I hoped Nessie didn't hear it. I didn't want her to think I was nervous - I wanted to be strong for her.

I kept my eyes on hers, watching carefully for any sign of fear or change of heart, as I tugged her panties down. I felt Nessie lift her hips to help me, and I moved back on the bed to continue to pull them down her legs.

But I couldn't keep my eyes off of her for long. The further I slid back, the easier it was to slide my eyes down. I don't even know what happened to Nessie's panties - I just dropped them.

Nessie's body wasn't just glorious. The government should fund a fucking project for people to research and study to create a word to describe what Nessie's body was.

Nessie kept her thighs squeezed tightly together, but that didn't mean I didn't have anything to see. My eyes were drawn to the space at the very middle of her hips - the bare skin there. Completely bare.

I couldn't stop myself from running my hand up her thigh, and in the same movement, across the place I'd only ever touched through Nessie's clothes. If I hadn't been hard before, I was now. Unbearably hard.

Nessie's skin here was softer than anywhere on her whole body and that was saying a fucking lot. I wanted to tell her how beautiful she was, especially when her entire body shivered and she bucked under my hand, but I didn't.

"You . . . you don't have any hair here?"

Not that it mattered - not that Nessie could be anything but perfect - but before, when I'd imagined seeing Nessie like this, I always imagined her with hair here. Hair the same copper color as the hair on her head.

"I - I do. I shaved it today." What - ? "I - I thought you might - "

What was Nessie saying? That she shaved herself . . . for me?

"You did this for me?" I definitely could not stop touching her now.

Nessie just nodded.

I launched myself at her. I felt Nessie's legs part under me. I kissed Nessie hungrily, my body literally fucking aching for her. My wife was naked under me and she fucking shaved herself bare for me and that was just the hottest thing I'd ever heard of.

I loved her and I needed her and it was all just too much to take without feeling her under me.

Nessie's kisses were addicting and I had to keep myself from thrusting my hips into the space between Nessie's legs. There was hardly anything between us now - I could hurt her.

How had I thought I wouldn't be able to finish twice before?

Nessie's fingers sliding under the waistband of my boxers brought me back down to earth a little. This was going a little fast - I was getting ahead of myself. I had thought this out. I knew what I had to do.

And if Nessie kept sliding her hands under my boxers like that . . .

"Wait." I reached down and stopped her hand before she could make me give in and do something I'd regret. "Wait a minute, honey."

"W-why?"

I slid my hand back up her leg to touch the space between her hips again, trying to show her my intentions. Nessie squirmed under my hand, trying, I know, to move my hand down.

"I'm going to touch you, Nessie, okay?"

"N-no." I was surprised to hear her say it. Had she - changed her mind? "Now, Jacob."

Oh, fuck. Baby.

I leaned down and kissed her neck, trying to soften her up. "Not now, Nessie. Trust me."

Nessie's body relaxed, the smallest bit, and I knew she had. She was trusting me - with her body, with everything.

I slid my fingers down, and Nessie gasped and bucked her hips against my hand. I pressed my fingers back again, feeling the small nub that Nessie seemed to like the most and she whimpered. Fucking whimpered.

Please God give me the control to do this. I had to - for Nessie. To make sure I didn't hurt her.

I slid my fingers down more, pressing a little deeper, and found my fingers fucking soaked in wetness.

"Fuck, Nessie." I couldn't hold it in. I dipped my fingers in even deeper and tried to bite my tongue on another curse word. That definitely wasn't romantic. "You're so - I didn't expect you to be so - "

"I - " Nessie paused, breathing heavy, and bit that lip. "Is that - bad?"

"No." I had to kiss her - it was, at that moment, in my head the only way to get it through to her. My brain wasn't exactly working properly. "No, Nessie. It's - it's so sexy." So goddamn fucking sexy. "I just - I didn't, I keep being surprised by how much you want me."

Nessie was quiet, but that was okay. Maybe now wasn't exactly the time to talk.

I tried my best to be gentle as I . . . well, there was no other word for it - explored. It was hard, since lust was pounding in my body and my brain and thoughts wouldn't exactly form how I wanted them to, but I had to do this. I had to figure out Nessie's body, so I could help her and not hurt her. And then finally, make love to her.

If she would let me.

After a few seconds, I thought I found Nessie's . . . entrance, but I wasn't sure. I pressed my first finger there gently and pulled back from Nessie's lips.

"Here?"

I felt like a dumbass to have to ask, but I couldn't risk hurting Nessie and if that meant damaging my pride . . . then I would do it. Over and over a thousand times if it kept her from any kind of hurt.

But Nessie just nodded.

I took a deep breath, watching Nessie's eyes and carefully, pushed in. Nessie gasped, but not in a bad way, and I pushed a little more. Then the rest of the way.

The - the first thing I felt was _heat_. I hadn't felt heat in eight fucking years, but I hadn't forgotten what it felt like and I was feeling it now. Nessie's body, around mine, was _hot. _In the literal sense of the word.

And the second was tightness. Unbelievable tightness, and wetness too, clenching down around my finger tightly - the wetness allowing me to slide. It was heaven and my brain couldn't help but imagine how amazing this would feel on . . . other parts of my body.

I rubbed my hips firmly into the sheets and watched Nessie's face - the beautiful, real expression on her face. Her lips parted, swollen. Her cheeks flushed.

I pressed my thumb into the small place where Nessie liked to be touched the most, hopefully trying to distract her from any discomfort, as I slid my finger back out. I wasn't sure - but if she was this _tight_, around only one of my fingers, then this couldn't be comfortable for her.

"Jacob - why - ?"

Here it was. The explanation. I had to explain without scaring my Nessie, explain when I didn't even really understand myself.

"I - you saw me, Ness." I leaned down and brushed my lips over Nessie's breast - I wanted to bring her as much pleasure as possible because I knew pain - at least a little bit - was inevitable. "I'm - I'm not small. And your skin resists change. I - I'll hurt you. I have to - " God, this sounded bad. "Stretch you first."

I slid my finger back in, biting my lip against the sinful tightness. It was wrong that I enjoyed something so much that could be hurting my girl.

"Make sure you're ready," I continued, a little louder since Nessie was straight-out panting now. "Am - am I hurting you now, Nessie?"

"No." Nessie's hands clenched my shoulders, her eyes fluttering. "No, Jacob, it doesn't hurt - it, _oh_."

Thank God.

"I'm - " I slid my finger almost all the way out and was relieved when I felt Nessie's body wriggle to get me back inside. She was enjoying it - at least a little. "I'm going to add another finger now, all right?"

Nessie nodded, her eyes shut tight. I pressed back in.

Somehow, she was even tighter than before.

I could tell by the way her face tensed at first that it was uncomfortable, but hopefully it didn't hurt. Please, God, don't let me hurt her. I slid my fingers in and out slowly, not forcing, just letting her body take me at its own pace. I kept my thumb pressed against the little nub Nessie liked, and after a minute or two, I realized Nessie wasn't as tight around me as before. Her body wasn't as tense.

Her body was used to the two fingers now. So a few seconds later, I withdrew and very carefully, pressed back in with three.

"Oh." Nessie's breath rushed passed my ear, since my lips were pressed against her neck. "_Jacob_."

"Am I hurting you, Nessie?"

"No, Jacob." I knew that wasn't completely true, but I also knew . . . or was pretty sure at least, that it was a part of it. That it wasn't too bad. I told myself I would know if it was.

It took longer this time for Nessie's body to get used to my fingers, but I had all night. I kissed Nessie's neck softly while I evenly slid my fingers in and out. And I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it - Nessie's body around me. Closer to her than I'd ever been.

Soon though, I noticed Nessie's body moving against mine, her hips starting to push up into my hand. I wanted to do another mental air punch. She was enjoying it.

Then I felt something - on the inside of her . . . that felt a little different. Like an idiot, without even thinking, I curled my fingers a little to feel it better. Nessie's moan filled the room.

The loudness and suddenness of the sound scared me though - had I hurt her? - and I snatched back to check her face.

"What?" She didn't look hurt. "Are you all right?"

"Yes, yes, I just - " No, she definitely didn't look hurt. "Just, do that again, Jacob - "

"Do what?"

"That." Nessie rolled her hips into my hand, panting. "That - with your fingers - like you just - did - "

Oh. So was that . . . good then?

I curled my fingers just like I had done before, brushing them against the place inside of her that felt a little different from all the rest. Nessie's lips pressed themselves hard into my shoulder and I heard a muffled sound. Like she wanted to cry out.

Oh, fuck, if I could make Nessie do that . . . I'd die happy.

"Like that, Nessie?"

"Yes, yes, please - "

I didn't want Nessie to beg - she didn't have to. I curled my fingers again and Nessie whimpered.

I made a rhythm, going back to sliding in and out of Nessie, but making sure I brushed that spot with every pass. I didn't know what it was or what it felt like for Nessie, but it must have been good because soon enough, she was rocking hard against my hand and making those hot noises.

Moans and groans and whimpers - if I had less self-control, if the past three months with Nessie hadn't been a crash course in exactly that, her sounds alone would have finished me.

I kissed Nessie everywhere I could reach while I . . . worked. Her mouth and her neck, her shoulders and down to her breasts. Besides her lips, Nessie's breasts were my favorite to kiss. I loved the taste of her and I _loved_ the reactions Nessie gave me, when I flicked my tongue over her, scraped her gently with my teeth. Sucked her softly.

Nessie had slowly gotten used to my fingers, but now her body was tightening around me again. I would have started to get worried if it wasn't for the fact she was still rocking herself hard against my hand and she was even wetter than ever.

I understood when she choked, "Jacob - I - "

I'd heard that voice before. Nessie was close.

I left Nessie's breast in favor of her mouth, slipping my tongue past her lips and finding that place inside of her and touching it more firmly. It wasn't three more seconds before Nessie moaned my name into my mouth and wrapped her arms around me tight.

My body was screaming for its own release, but I just shoved my hips further into the mattress and kept touching Nessie. Her body . . . tightened around me, tight, _really fucking tight_, and she thrust her hips against my hand frantically.

I felt a . . . rush of wetness against my hand and bit back my own moan. There was nothing better than this, having the power to make Nessie's body react to me like this. I could spend the rest of my life making her come undone under my fingers over and over again.

I brought Nessie down slowly, slowing my fingers down as she floated back down to me. Finally, once Nessie's body relaxed around me, I knew she was finished. I pulled back from Nessie's lips to see her lying under me, eyes closed, her face completely relaxed.

Her pretty eyes fluttered open to look at me and I slid my fingers out of her, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do. I knew Nessie would be sensitive now. The urge to fucking lick my fingers was ridiculous, but strong. I wanted to taste her, to taste what . . . what Nessie tasted like when I made her feel good.

But I knew that was too much for tonight. So I reached down and wiped my fingers on the sheets hanging off the side of the mattress. Then I shifted my weight so I was more on top of Nessie than before.

Nessie reached up and cupped my cheek in her palm, bringing my lips down to hers.

"You okay, honey?" I would always ask her that. Even when she looked completely blissed out.

"So okay, Jacob." My eyes flicked down to where Nessie's breasts were still rising and falling with her still-kinda-heavy breaths. She ran her hand down my chest. "So okay."

Damn, I loved her.

I love you, Nessie. I love you.

I knew what the next logical next step now was - my body was screaming for it. But it was still a huge possibility that Nessie changed her mind. I wouldn't blame her; she'd done a lot today. She let me undress her, see her beautiful naked body, and she touched me. She let me touch her, like she never had before - let me be _inside_ of her. That was a lot for one night.

There's no way I could or would judge her if she decided it was enough for tonight. But I knew - she might have a problem saying it. No matter how much I talked and promised Nessie we'd do whatever she wanted, I knew Nessie could feel against her thigh how much I wanted her right now . . . and I knew her love for me might make her go forward when she didn't really want to.

And I wouldn't have that. So I would give her an excuse.

"Are you - are you tired?"

If she didn't want to, or she wasn't ready, she could say yes. Then she would have an easy excuse. I would roll over and pull her into me and we would sleep - or Nessie would anyway. There was no way, at this point, my body was going to let me sleep tonight.

Nessie shook her head. My stomach tightened.

Then she reached down and slid her fingers back inside my boxers. Nessie already had them down a few inches before I remembered the condom. I had to stop her again. I hated to, but if I felt my naked body against hers and that condom wasn't really fucking close, I wasn't sure if I could wait.

"Nessie, Nessie." Please don't think I'm rejecting you, honey. "Just - just let me get - "

I had to shift my weight off of her to reach down and grab my pants. See - it was good thinking having them close, because there was no way in hell I was getting out of this bed right now. I found the condom and then laid back down over Nessie, kissing her softly again.

"Okay, Ness."

Nessie's fingers slipped back under my boxers easily and slid them halfway down my hips. I was about to sit up and help her when I felt her legs shifting. Nessie's knees brushed my sides and then I felt my boxers slide the rest of the way down.

Maybe I normally would have smiled at the fact that Nessie had used her toes to pull my boxers off, but I didn't. Because for about half a second, before I forced myself up, I felt myself against Nessie's soft thigh. So, so close to where I wanted to be.

But I pushed myself up before I could get carried away. I kicked my boxers the rest of the way off and then sat back on my heels, half excited and half self-conscious at the way Nessie's eyes kept running over me.

I was looking at the condom, making sure I had it turned the right way, when Nessie said, "I - Jacob, I don't - "

Had she changed her mind? Had I scared her?

"You don't what, Ness?" Tell me, honey, because we don't have to do anything you don't want to do.

"I don't want to use that."

"What?"

"I don't - " Nessie reached out and touched my thigh. I hoped she didn't notice how much my body liked that. I don't think she did - her eyes were flickering back and forth between mine and the condom. "I don't want to . . . use that."

Nessie didn't want to use the condom? "Why?"

"I don't care if I . . . get pregnant." Nessie's body gave a soft shiver and I clenched my jaw. "I don't care. And I - I don't want anything . . . separating us."

Then next thing I knew, I was back against her. My naked body against hers - all of our skin touching. I couldn't help it - it was too much to hear, to hear Nessie say something like that. That she didn't care if she got pregnant. That not only was she willing to let me make love to her, but she was willing to risk getting pregnant. That she wanted to.

And that she didn't want to use the condom, so nothing would separate us. So she could feel all of me.

But - but we couldn't.

"I know, Nessie," I said into her mouth. I didn't want to use it either, didn't want anything blocking me from Nessie's _heat_, but there were more important things than what I wanted. "I know, baby, but we can't - not now. We can't take that chance now - not when they want you so bad." Not when I might die in a few weeks. I won't leave you with a baby I can't help raise, Nessie - I won't. "Nothing's going to separate us - don't think of it like that, okay? Okay, honey?"

I was more than desperate. Desperate for Nessie to understand, desperate feel her. Desperate not to die.

"Okay." It was a whimper, but enough. "Okay, Jacob."

I had to leave Nessie's softness again for a few seconds to slide the condom on. Thank God La Push high schools were all for being progressive and shit and taught us how to do this our sophomore year in health class, or I'd be totally lost. And thank God whatever NASA spaceship-material these things were made out of was stretchy as hell. It went on easily.

I reached back and grabbed the blankets once I was done, pulling them back over us as I laid back down over Nessie. They'd fallen off a while ago, but I think it'd make Nessie more comfortable if we had them on.

Both of our hearts were pounding so loud as I settled myself between Nessie's legs and kissed her lips softly. I couldn't feel her as well as I knew I would be able to if the condom wasn't there, but I could definitely still feel her.

"Are you - are you really sure, Nessie?" I ran my tongue over her lips as I asked. I didn't want to ask again, but I had to know this. Nessie had to be sure. "We can't . . . undo this."

"Jacob." Nessie broke away from our kiss and lifted her head to press her lips to my throat. I swallowed hard against the tenderness of it. "Put your hands on me."

"What?" Weren't my hands already all over her?

"Put your hands on me, Jacob." Nessie's small tongue traced under my lips. "I want to show you something."

"Where?"

"Anywhere." Nessie reached up and pulled my hair out of its tie - I felt it fall around my face. I loved how Nessie loved my hair. "Just touch me."

That I had no problem with.

I braced myself on my knees and tried to decide where to touch. It wasn't like it was a life-changing decision, but on Nessie's body, there were just too damn many good places.

I slid one of my hands up Nessie's ribcage, stopping at her very top rib. Barely cupping the bottom of her breast. Then my right hand I let sit on her hip. I brushed my thumb over the small bump where her hipbone was.

"Like this, Ness?" I checked.

"Mmm." Now that was a nice sound. Nessie reached up and threaded her fingers through my hair. "I want to try something."

I waited, but nothing happened. Nessie didn't move, didn't say anything. She just stared up at me. After a few seconds, she groaned. And not the good kind.

"Nessie - what - ?"

She just shook her head, shushing me. I wasn't sure what was going on, but I listened. I'd never seen Nessie concentrate so hard. She was beautiful.

Then I felt . . . it. I don't even have a word for it. It was like I was inside of Nessie - like I was falling into her. Like she had opened herself up and pulled me down into her. It was like when she used her gift, but stronger. More whole. Not centered in one place - just all around me.

I felt love, strong love - like my love for Nessie, but more tangible. Like I could touch it if I reached out, like I was touching it. I felt happiness in the extreme, and pleasure and excitement and even more love.

And then it was gone. I was gasping.

"Nessie, did you - did you just - ?"

"Did you feel it?"

Felt it isn't even the right word. I double-checked, but Nessie's hands were still firmly rooted in my hair.

"Did you show me - without your hands - "

"I've done it before," she reminded me, and then I remembered. The last time we were here, Nessie had shown me her thoughts without her hands. But this - "But this time is different, right?"

"So different." I dropped my head and pressed a grateful kiss to Nessie's neck. I would never be able to tell this girl how much I loved her. "So much better."

"I want to do this, Jacob," Nessie said quietly into my hair, her finger dancing down to my neck. "I love you." Yes. "I would never regret you, remember?"

That was it. Nessie was ready. We were really doing this.

I lifted myself up onto my arms, bracing myself, and I felt Nessie spread her legs a little more. Then I shifted and our skin made contact - Nessie hissed and I bit back a growl.

I reached down and took myself in hand, brushing myself back and forth against Nessie's wetness. She half-whimpered and I bit back another growl. I wasn't trying to tease her - I was just making sure I didn't hurt her. I wasn't sure if the condom would slide as easily as my skin would, so I wanted to make sure I wouldn't hurt her, borrowing some of her wetness.

Once I was sure I was . . . lubricated enough, I nestled myself into the place I just found with my fingers not too long ago. Nessie's heart sped up and mine did too. Could I do this?

"Ready, baby?"

Nessie just nodded. I took a deep breath, made sure the wolf was firmly in control.

Then I pressed in, just a little. Just the tip.

It was unbelievable. I couldn't feel Nessie's wetness because of the condom, but the heat and the _tightness_ were still there. Completely. It was so, so hard to keep control. My body wanted to thrust forward, bury myself completely in Nessie's, give myself over to all the passion and lust building in my stomach.

But I couldn't. I would hurt Nessie - bad. So I kept control.

I clenched my teeth shut and brought my arm back up to help hold my weight. Under me, Nessie was breathing just as hard as I was.

I took another breath, braced myself for more intolerable pleasure, and slid forward another inch.

Shit.

Nessie gave a muffled gasp, her eyes widening.

"You okay, Nessie?" Don't lie to me, honey, tell me the truth.

Nessie nodded and reached up, pulling me down to her lips. I leaned forward into Nessie's kiss, opening my mouth so her tiny tongue could reach inside. I wasn't paying enough attention and when I strained forward into the kiss, I strained in with my whole body.

I gained about another inch, but then . . . it was like Nessie's entrance . . . gave around me. And the next thing I knew, I was buried deep inside of her.

Fucking. Nirvana.

But then Nessie cried out against my lips and I was yanked back down. My stomach twisted in the worst fucking possible way and I yanked back from Nessie's lips.

"Did I hurt you, Nessie?" I'm so sorry, baby, I'm so sorry.

"No, no, Jacob, it's okay." I was sick, because even as Nessie was in pain, all I could think about was how fucking amazing she felt around me. Tight and perfect and hot. "I think - I think it'll be easier now, just give me a second."

I would do that. It was the hardest fucking thing I'd ever do, but I would. Sit there, buried almost completely _inside_ Nessie's body, and not move. It was like fighting fate, or a magnetic pull. It wasn't just the wolf - Jake was dying to move too.

But Nessie needed a second to adjust - and after all I'd done already, I would give her that.

I wanted to tell her how sorry I was, but I knew that wouldn't do much good. I kissed gently down Nessie's cheek and temple, the only thing I could for her while holding the rest of my body perfectly still.

She was amazing. Really. No man had ever been so lucky to have a woman like this, a _wife_ like this. And now, I was . . . inside of her. Literally fucking inside of her, closer than we'd ever been. As close as we'd ever be. Connected.

Nessie was letting me hurt her. Because she wanted to be with me, and - for the first little while, at least - some pain was a part of that. I don't know why she would love me so much.

And it was even more unfair that it was all so perfect for me while Nessie had fucking tears in her eyes.

Nessie finally took in a deep breath. "Okay, Jacob."

"Okay?" I wouldn't move again until I was one hundred percent sure.

Nessie just nodded, and I kissed her soft lips.

"I'm so sorry I hurt you, honey." I'd take it from you if I could. I kissed Nessie again when she opened her mouth to try and tell me different. "Tell me if you want to stop."

She didn't say anything, so I knew it was okay to move now. I wasn't completely in all the way, but I wasn't about to try to go deeper than that now - this was already perfect. I started to withdraw, slowly, but when I was almost completely out, Nessie's ankles crossed over my back, holding me in place.

"Don't, Jacob." I was surprised to hear the pleading in her voice. Don't what? "Don't leave."

If I wasn't already as close as it was possible to be to Nessie, I would have jumped her. I had the sweetest, most innocent wife in the world. She thought I was leaving. I couldn't blame her though - it wasn't like she'd done this before. It wasn't like I had either.

"Don't worry, Nessie." I slid back in, gently, and Nessie didn't even flinch. "I'm coming back."

Heaven. Nessie _oh_'d in my ear and I groaned. It was just overwhelming. I was surrounded by her - and the heat was still taking getting used to. And her body just gripped me so tight . . .

"You feel so fucking amazing, Ness." I couldn't help it - I had to say it. She had to know, she had to know just what she was giving me. "I - _ah_."

I slid back out and Nessie didn't panic. When I slid back in, Nessie's fingers reached up and wound themselves in my hair again.

"Go a little faster, Jake," she whispered, my permission. "I'm okay."

I did, but only a little. I was still very gentle, but a little faster. It was much more satisfying, but the friction was killing me. It was easy to find a rhythm, like me and Nessie's bodies were meant to do this together, puzzle pieces made to connect. Even though we didn't exactly match.

A few thrusts later, I shifted my knees the smallest bit to get more comfortable and when I pressed back in . . .

I went all the way in. I could feel that small place where Nessie liked to be touched against my hip, and Nessie - Nessie arched hard and gasped my name. Having to feel that again, that deepness, I slid out and back in and Nessie panted.

"Oh, oh." Nessie's fingers gripped my shoulders hard and she lifted her hips up towards mine, sliding herself deeper. "Jacob."

"Yeah, honey?"

"Stay like that." I couldn't stop moving. I don't know how it was I held still before. "Where - with your knees. It's so much better like this."

I nodded. I agree. It is so much fucking better - and I had no idea it could have gotten better than it was. I wasn't about to argue - I was just so happy Nessie was finally getting some pleasure too.

I did my best to hold it back, but the wolf slowly started creeping up on me. My lust was a ball tight in my stomach and it was pushing me forward. I sped up a little more, looking at Nessie to make sure it was okay with her, trying to see from her eyes if she was in any pain.

"That feels _so good_, Jacob." Yes. Thank you, God.

And it only made me feel so much better to hear her say that. I leaned down and kissed her lips, soft and sweet.

"Let's see if we can't make you feel even better."

For this - for what Nessie was doing for me right now - I would spend the rest of my life making sure she felt as good as possible.

I kissed her mouth for awhile, making sure I tasted every corner of it. My tongue felt over every inch of her lips and her tongue. She was my wife - I had to know every piece of her by heart.

It was easier, too, when I was distracting myself with Nessie's mouth, to not concentrate so hard on the pleasure coursing through my body. I didn't want this to be over too soon - Nessie hadn't finished enjoying herself.

Then I started making my way down her neck. It really was perfect - Nessie's body tight around me, her curves soft under me. Her skin sweet against my tongue.

I bit down gently on the side of Nessie's neck, sucking her just enough to leave a mark, and Nessie moaned. She was my wife - it was okay. I could mark her. I lapped the skin with my tongue to sooth any hurt my teeth might have caused when I was done. I would never want to hurt my Ness.

Still sliding evenly in and out of Nessie, I started making my way lower. I kissed across her shoulders and collarbone and then down further. I was really, really hot - I knew I was probably sweating, but it honestly didn't bother me now. I was on a mission.

When I traced my tongue around Nessie's breast, she gripped my head tight and arched her back hard into me, making her nipple brush past my lips and I couldn't resist. I took it into my mouth, sucking gently, barely brushing her with my teeth.

Then Nessie started . . . thrusting her hips, bringing them up to meet mine each time I rocked forward and I groaned. Her participation only made it a thousand times better - Nessie wanted me too.

Before long, I moved to her other breast and gave it the same attention, head cocked like a dog to hear any sound Nessie might make. Any groan, moan, sigh, I wanted to catch all of it.

I kissed the space between Nessie's perfect breasts when I was done, but then I was unable to resist tasting it, so I licked the skin there too.

I could feel my control slipping. I was taking less and less time between thrusts, the pace my body needed kept speeding up. I finally braced myself back above Nessie, coming home. To her lips.

I watched Nessie's eyes between our kisses, relieved when I felt her lift her hips up to meet mine and nod her head barely, like she was beckoning me. But I understood. Nessie was telling me it was okay to speed up.

Thank God.

I lifted myself up a little higher on my arms and did just that. I was still gentle, still very careful, but much faster. Yes.

It was like my head was spinning. My brain couldn't concentrate on any thought besides the movement of my hips and the way it felt.

Nessie reached up and held my hair out of my face so I had a clear view of her.

Well, any thought besides Nessie.

"Is this - okay?" I was panting. I wouldn't be able to stop - not unless Nessie told me to. It was too good. "I'm not - hurting you?"

"No, Jacob." Nessie was breathless too. "I'm, I'm - oh."

Then she arched her back just right, in the most perfect way, making me slide deeper than usual.

"_Fuck._"

My body felt like it was about to explode. I needed release so badly, but - but not before -

"Are you - " Even with my brain and my body all fogged up, I knew I had to say this in a way Nessie would understand. "Are you close?"

Please say yes. I don't know if I can hold on much longer, baby.

And I would hate myself if I couldn't wait for you.

Nessie didn't answer right away, but then I slid back inside her, a little deeper than I had been and she whined again. Then she nodded twice.

Yes. I could work with that. I could make Nessie fall over again. I would.

I shifted, leaning most of my weight onto my left arm so I could slide my right down between our bodies. I took a pit stop at her breast, cupping the softness of it in my hand and squeezing it how I knew she liked before I went lower. Down her stomach and then lower than that.

Down until I could feel - I bit back a shudder - where our bodies were coming together. I pressed my fingers into the small place that always seemed to draw the strongest reaction from Nessie.

"Oh!" Nessie's hips thrust up against my body and my fingers, and her hands in my hair pulled me down to her mouth. She didn't make any move to kiss me, just pressed her open lips to mine, feeling me there. Even her breath tasted sweet. "Jake!"

I pressed a little more firmly, taking the approach Nessie seemed to appreciate on her breasts and ass, almost massaging. It was harder to keep my rhythm of sliding in and out, but I managed - my body would definitely find a way to do that, no matter what position I was in.

Nessie started panting, her breaths quicker and shallower than before, and she started _writhing_ under me. I knew this was it.

"Come on, Nessie. Come on, baby, let go," I urged against her mouth. I couldn't keep my mouth shut - it was like I would be able to call her over that edge with my voice alone. "Let me take care of you. I'm right here with you - come on."

Then Nessie's back arched, her whole body did, her head thrown back into the pillow and her eyes shut tight. Her lips parted in the most beautiful o-shape. Her entire body tightened up and she let out a loud whine, more raw than anything I'd ever heard.

Nessie's whole body tightened, all of her muscles going rigid. Her body . . . clamping around me harder than I thought possible, harder than I thought my body could stand. I fisted the mattress, cursing, and tried not to lose it.

"Jacob - oh, _Jacob_ . . . fuck - "

Yes. Yes, Nessie.

I kept touching her, kept up the rhythm even when it was almost impossible to think about anything besides the pounding in my head and the tension in my stomach.

I wasn't sure if it was salvation or punishment when Nessie started to come down. She made the whimpering noise that I knew meant my fingers were too much right now, so I brought them back up to help support my weight.

Nessie's eyes were open now, but her body was still shivering. But me - I was done.

I thrust into Nessie harder than I had all night, harder than I should have, but I wasn't thinking. Now that Nessie's needs had been met, my entire being was focused on mine. I had never felt the need so strong like this, the desperation to reach that goal.

I knew in Nessie was the only place I could find it.

It didn't take me long, no more than five raw, animal thrusts before I felt my body unhinge from my mind. I froze, pressed as deep into Nessie as my body dared go, as the wave crashed over me.

It rolled in waves, sizzled on every inch of my skin. It was like an electric shock rocking through my body. It was like Nessie had crawled inside my fucking skin and was stretching there.

"Nessie . . . "

My hips started moving again without me really being aware of it, the only thing felt was the swift ride down that the wave was giving me. I was draining, fast. Finally, I thrust one more time into Nessie's welcoming heat and I was done.

My body was boneless. It was all I could do not to collapse on top of her. I still let more weight than usual fall against her.

The wolf wasn't silent. He was fucking purring.

My brain was back, and full of my wife under me. Nessie. The one who had done this for me. I loved her more than I ever had when I hadn't even thought that was possible.

I dropped my head down and kissed Nessie with every ounce of love and respect and pleasure and release and gratefulness in my body. Nessie's arms finally collapsed back against the bed, my hair falling back into my face again, but I could care less.

I pulled out of Nessie slowly, spent.

I reached down with my right hand to strip the condom off, not even caring about the mess, and threw it on the floor. I wasn't leaving this damn bed for shit except Nessie.

I moved myself back over Nessie's body and raised my left hand to cup her beautiful, beautiful face.

"I love you, Nessie." I wish there were better words to tell you how much. "I love you so much."

"I love you too, my Jacob." Her Jacob. Yes. I let her pull me back down to her lips for another one of those tired kisses. "I . . . I'm so glad to be your wife."

Nessie lifted her left hand up to brush across my lips and I saw her ring. My mark. I took my left hand from Nessie's face and laced my fingers with hers, our rings keeping our skin from touching in the places where they were.

I kissed her again. Her lips were like home, soft and welcoming and amazing.

"You were so amazing, Nessie." Her eyes felt like they were going to knock my stomach out, the feeling coming out of them was so strong. "I - are you okay now?"

Do you still hurt?

"I am so much more than okay now, Jacob." Her eyelids fluttered, like she was fighting off sleep. But she should be tired - my beautiful Nessie. She'd done so much today. "You were so amazing too, so . . . patient with me. Thank you."

I could only shake my head. Patient with her? What was I supposed to do? Say "That's it, you married me" and then hold her down and take what I wanted? All that ever mattered to me was her.

I shifted my weight onto my side, off of Nessie, and pulled her against me like we usually slept. Except now we were both naked. We had just made love. Now she was my wife.

"I'm your husband, Nessie." And I'll never get tired of saying that. Nessie blushed, and I wasn't sure why until I shifted and felt a wet spot on the sheets against my thigh. Damn, Ness. "You're my imprint. It's what I'm for."

Nessie rolled onto her side, her nipples sliding over my stomach. It didn't unleash the wolf though - it was just nice. Good. A part of what we were now. The wolf was tired right about now - his ass was already asleep.

Nessie looked up at me, her eyes wide. "I've never . . . finished that hard. I'm so tired."

I felt my eyes widen. I was so shocked at what Nessie just said, but . . . happy too. That she was comfortable enough saying it and that - well, that it needed to be said at all.

"Me either." I wouldn't hide that from Nessie. She needed to know how she affected me, what she had done for me. "Though earlier comes in second."

Nessie laughed, the prettiest sound. I hadn't heard it since we'd been in this room. I missed it.

I didn't even realize I was starving until my stomach growled. Nessie laughed again and pressed her hand to my stomach.

"Is my baby hungry?"

Her baby. God, I loved her.

"I can deal with it until morning." True, I now realized I was starving, but I was not leaving Nessie right now. I dipped my head down and kissed her sweet-smelling hair. "I don't want to get up."

"I can fix you something." Like hell. "Or get you some spaghetti. There were leftovers, right?"

I couldn't believe Nessie was actually offering to get out of this bed right now and cook for me. She was insane. Like I was letting her go anywhere. I held her closer to show her that.

"The whole point of the not-getting-up thing was so I could stay here with you." Nessie's leg slid itself between mine, and then I realized _she_ might be hungry. I could deal with it until morning, but I didn't want Nessie sleeping on an empty stomach. "Unless you're hungry, in which case _I'll _be going to fix you something."

"Dinner in bed with you sounds extremely tempting," Nessie said, sliding up a little higher on my small bed. I wonder if Nessie would let me use her for a plate? "But I'm seriously tired, and I don't want to leave you either."

"Don't worry." That was one thing that wasn't going to happen tonight. "You're not."

Nessie smiled . . . this smile I'd never seen before. It was like her sexy smile, but different. It was still more grown up, but . . . softer. More intimate. Only for me. I tried to smile back, but a yawn caught me in the middle.

"I'm beat too." Only now was I realizing how much. I don't ever remember being so tired. Nessie yawned then, and it was literally the most adorable thing I'd ever seen. I couldn't help but chuckle at her. "I didn't think anyone could make yawning look cute, but you manage it."

Nessie just rolled her pretty eyes and dropped her head onto my arm. I could tell Nessie's body was exhausted, all of her moments muted and heavy. She needed rest. We both did.

"I love you, Nessie," I told her one more time before we were too far gone. I pressed my lips to her forehead in a last kiss of the night. "I'm so glad I have you."

Nessie didn't say anything, so she was probably already asleep. My wife, asleep in my arms, her left hand wound through mine.

Just as I was about to fall into the most peaceful oblivion I'd ever felt, Nessie's voice called me back out a little.

"Jacob." I looked down, but Nessie's body was still soft with sleep, her eyes closed. She was just talking in her sleep. "Mine . . . _my _Jacob."

That's right. I was her Jacob.

And I would be for the rest of my life, however long that might be.

* * *

**Coming up:**

My heart immediately jammed in my throat as I bent over to check it out. And sure enough - fuck. In the very middle of the sheets, right where Nessie laid last night, there was a dark red stain. Blood.

I gripped my fingers into my hair and had to hold myself back from kicking the bedframe. What the fuck, Jake? How the hell had I made her _bleed_ without knowing it? Had she been hiding her pain from me?

No, I couldn't believe it. I had known, down in my bones, that Nessie was okay. I wouldn't have kept on if I hadn't. God.


	50. So Fucking Soft

**_A/N:_** Hello, girls, I have lots of things to say and can remember none of them. First off, I'll apologize for . . . well, to be frank, the half-assness of this chapter. Not the writing itself, which I'm happy with, but the fact that it hasn't been proofread. I'm just too tired and I won't have the time tomorrow. I really hope you enjoy it anyway, and I'll try to go back and proof it later.

Happy Thanksgiving to y'all! Also, to my Muslims, Mabrook Eid! Friday is the Muslim holiday in which we sacrifice a sheep to commemorate when the Prophet Abraham was told to sacrifice his son for God, but because of his willingness to do it, was sent a sheep to sacrifice instead. Don't worry, it's done very humanely - that's a huge part of it.

Anyway, a happy holidays to you all and I'll see you soon. I'm going to bed.

Ah, so much to say and none of it said. Love you, girls. Thoughts are always appreciated.

**_Disclaimer:_** I don't own. Bah. Even my disclaimer's half-ass. Also, sorry reviewers if your replies were short or error-filled. I'm really out of it.

* * *

So. Fucking. Soft.

* * *

_i got a roof over my head  
the woman i love laying in my bed  
and it's alright_

_- darius rucker, alright_

-

I don't remember ever sleeping like that. So deep and dreamless and perfect. The past few months, my sleep was light and unpredictable and riddled with nightmares. But this sleep . . . I don't remember anything about it, that's how good it was.

Maybe never having been so happy in my entire fucking life had something to do with it. I knew bad shit was coming, but it wasn't coming tonight and tonight I was naked in bed with my wife and she was curled up against me and it was all right.

I knew exactly when I started to come up out of it too. I felt a . . . loss. Nothing devastating, just like something that was supposed to be there wasn't. It didn't jerk me awake, but it made me . . . aware. Just a little, because I definitely hadn't been before.

I realized I suddenly wasn't perfectly comfortable anymore, and kicked the covers off. What the hell was I doing with covers anyway? They were hot.

Then I felt a touch, soft and perfect, sliding down my back. It felt really good, until I felt go down further, over my ass. Which fucking tickled.

I moved again to get away from it and managed to float off again for a little bit more, but it wasn't that good sleep like before. Shit. I fought with it for awhile - I wasn't ready to give that rest up - it was damn good. But eventually, I couldn't fight with it anymore.

I rolled over onto my back and opened my eyes. I blinked, looking around my room - why the hell was I in my room? Then my stomach rumbled and I smelled food - good food - and heard . . . a heartbeat. A little faster than normal, the sound I knew better than any sound in the world.

And it all came crashing back.

I was fucking _married_.

Last night came rushing back, in detail, and I wanted Nessie so bad then I could taste it. Just to see her, at least, and know it was all real. I definitely wasn't sleepy anymore.

But I was naked and that probably wasn't appropriate just yet. I rolled out of bed and yanked my nearest drawer open, grabbing the first pair of shorts I could find and snatching them on. Werewolf skills apparently weren't much help when you got your feet tangled in blankets and I about tripped before I steadied myself. I threw the covers back onto the bed - why the hell were they on the floor anyway? - when something caught my eye.

My heart immediately jammed in my throat as I bent over to check it out. And sure enough - fuck. In the very middle of the sheets, right where Nessie laid last night, there was a dark red stain. Blood.

I gripped my fingers into my hair and had to hold myself back from kicking the bedframe. What the fuck, Jake? How the hell had I made her _bleed_ without knowing it? Had she been hiding her pain from me?

No, I couldn't believe it. I had known, down in my bones, that Nessie was okay. I wouldn't have kept on if I hadn't. God.

I felt the anger and self-hate rise up in me and took a second to try and deal with it logically.

It had hurt - at first, right? That was, like a part of it. I wasn't an expert, but I knew something had to . . . pretty much like break. And I had felt it - or I thought I had - that part that hurt Nessie the worst. When her body had given around me. So . . . that could have been it.

Nessie was up now - and cooking, by the smell of it. So she was okay, right? No need to freak out now if Nessie was fine. Maybe . . . _maybe_ this was normal.

I took a couple of deep breaths, pushing the horrible thoughts back, and went to go find my girl. My wife.

I froze at the doorway. Because I had a clear shot of Nessie in the kitchen, over the stove. She was cooking but that was about all I made out besides her - looking happy and content and _not_ horribly injured. Completely mine.

I leaned against the door, crossed my arms, and just watched her for a few seconds, but she didn't notice me. It was like she was in her own little world. I waited until I couldn't anymore, and cleared my throat.

Nessie's eyes shot to mine like a bullet. Then they softened in that beautiful way they did and she skated her eyes over me. I liked the way her eyes changed. See - she was fine. Thank God.

"Morning," I finally said when Nessie didn't say anything, walking towards her since I couldn't be this far away for one more second. I walked up to where Nessie was at the stove and pressed my body gently against hers, wrapping her in my arms and finally understanding why the perfect sleep had faded. "Have you been up long?"

"Only about half an hour." That made perfect sense then. Nessie twisted a little in my arms and tilted her face up towards mine. I knew what that meant. "Did you sleep well?"

"Like a baby." I leaned down and kissed Nessie, nice and soft, since I knew now was definitely the time to be soft. "I was about to ask you the same thing."

I was a little sad that Nessie couldn't have possible have slept any better than I had. It just didn't seem possible.

"I always sleep good with you."

And here come the pink cheeks. Beautiful. Last night, she'd been naked under me and she was blushing about sleeping together in the literal sense.

Nessie flipped a piece of bread and I noticed she was cooking french toast. Score. I hadn't eaten Nessie's food in so long.

"That smells so good." My stomach agreed with me and Nessie laughed, the best sound. "Is it almost done?"

After last night, she couldn't blame me for being hungry. She should be too.

"Sure is." Thank God. Any longer and I'd have to start picking at the pan and Nessie never liked it when I did that. "You can grab the eggs and hash-browns out of the microwave and set them on the table and get down the syrup. It's on the very top shelf of the last cabinet, so I was waiting for you."

I groaned out loud. I couldn't help it. It was either that or do a little dance around the kitchen and I was too hungry for that, and besides, I didn't want Nessie thinking I was insane just yet.

Not only was there french toast, which I would have been completely cool with - but there was eggs and hash-browns too. Hash browns. God, Nessie knew me so good - and I was starving.

Good thing she'd told me where the syrup was too, because I'd had no clue. I'd better get that first, because once I got my hands on that food . . .

I smiled as I left Nessie's soft body to do what she told me - she was too small to reach the top shelf. I decided to mess with her.

"I know your angle, Nessie. I see where you're working from." I took a second to just rake my eyes over her in my clothes again before I could take the extra step back to the cabinet. Maybe it was just because I knew it was there now, but I was pretty sure I could see the dark green panties Nessie had on under my shirt. "I know the only reason you married me is because I can reach the tall stuff."

Nessie laughed, looking over her shoulder at me as I grabbed the syrup. Now for the food - which I wasted no time grabbing from the microwave and carrying to the table.

"You caught me, Jake," Nessie teased back as I sat down and grabbed a fingerful of hashbrowns. They were as good as they smelled. "I do still hope you'll be my ladder, though."

"You can climb me anyday, Ness," I said before I could bring it back.

Was that too much? Nessie didn't say anything, so I just put my head down and kept eating. I _was_ hungry.

"Okay, what do you want to drink?" Ness asked from the fridge. "You have - "

"We."

Not me, Ness. Nothing is just me anymore - it never was. Not since you.

"Hmm?" Nessie looked back at me, not even really paying attention. She hadn't realized what she'd said.

"You said 'you have', but it's we." Everything I am and have is yours. "This is _our_ house, Nessie."

Nessie's face flushed pink, but I could tell from her eyes she wasn't shy. She was . . . happy? Did making my house hers too make her happy?

"Okay, well, _we_ have," Nessie corrected, shooting me the most gorgeous smile. "Coke, water, orange juice - "

"Is there tea?" I could do with some of Nessie's tea right about now.

"No." I saw Nessie's face drop, disappointed with herself. Damn. I shouldn't have asked. She'd have got to it if there was. "But I can make some, it'll only take a minute - "

"Na-uh, I was just asking." You already made breakfast, honey. Which is great, by the way. "Is there milk?"

"There is milk."

I watched as Nessie grabbed the gallon from the fridge and turned to walk back to the sink. But she didn't walk. She . . . limped, skipping lightly part of the way, wincing. And I realized this was the first time I'd seen Nessie walk this morning.

My heart was back in my throat. What the fuck had I done? And why hadn't she _told_ me?

"Nessie." I heard the Alpha in my voice. "Why are you walking like that?"

And don't you lie to me.

"Like what?"

Wrong answer.

I sat up, the food forgotten. I wouldn't let Nessie trick her way out of this for my benefit.

"Nessie," I said firmly, watching her, making sure she knew I wasn't bullshitting. "Walk to me."

Nessie just stood there for a few seconds, like she wasn't sure what she wanted to do. Then she stepped towards me, and I could tell by the tight way she held her face that she was holding back. Holding back pain.

She walked almost normally, but very lightly, never resting her weight on one foot for long. When she was finally in front of me, I wrapped my arm around her tiny waist and pulled her gently into my lap.

I watched in horror as Nessie's face screwed up and she let out a little mewl of pain.

What in the fuck had I done to her? She couldn't walk - she couldn't _sit_. How - how had I not - ? How could I have . . . ?

"How bad did I hurt you, Nessie?"

Nessie was quick to lean in closer, rub her soft hand across my chest, but it didn't do anything for my disgust.

"You didn't hurt me, Jacob." Why are you still lying to me, baby? "I'm fine, it's normal - I swear it is." Your are _not_ fine, not if you can't sit down without crying out. "I think it should be gone by today even, if I just take it easy. A hot shower and I should be fine."

I wanted to let that make me feel better, but I knew that wasn't how it worked. Nessie was hurt, and I . . . I had hurt her. All because of my lust, my need to have her - she couldn't walk, and she was comforting me?

If she was in that much pain, something had to be wrong - Nessie had never been injured before. And I had . . . she needed to be seen to. I had no idea what kind of damage I had done.

"I'm taking you to Carlisle."

And I'll let Edward fucking skin me alive because I deserve it - I'd been all up on a high-horse way back when at the idea of Bella sleeping with that bloodsucker, carrying on about how he could hurt her . . . but he hadn't. I had. I had hurt my Nessie and she was a lot less fragile than some human - and I hadn't even considered it. Not past the normal pain. I hadn't considered . . . injuring her.

Nessie's jaw actually gaped a little. What, was she surprised? Was I supposed to just tell her to deal with it?

"No, you're not, Jacob." She sounded serious, her pretty eyes focused hard on mine. "We were married yesterday, and that means I'm grown up, okay? Of course I would let you take me to Grandpa if something was wrong, but nothing is."

Nothing? Nothing is?

"You can't walk, Nessie!" Like an idiot, my body shook when I threw my hands out, jostling Nessie too. They jumped back to steady her, so I wouldn't hurt her any worse. "I hurt you so bad you can't walk!"

"I can walk, Jacob. I'm just sore." So sore you're fucking limping. "Last night was amazing." I thought so too, but . . . "Even - even now, I can't wait to do it again." Seriously? Still? "It's hard even for normal human girls, and like you said last night, my skin resists change. I wouldn't lie to you, Jake."

I let those words sink in. I wouldn't lie to you, Jake. I never thought Nessie would, but I also was pretty sure Nessie would say whatever to save me from my own guilt - she was just that sweet.

Was it possible that she was just sore? That this was somehow normal? Something that was supposed to happen? I didn't want to think Nessie would lie to me, even for this.

"You swear this is normal?" I checked, and Nessie bobbed her head up and down quickly. "If - if I find out you're lying, Nessie, or downplaying it because of me, I'm - "

"I wouldn't do that, Jacob." I believed her. But I wasn't sure if that was just because I wanted to. "Even though the thought would probably cross my mind because I don't want you to worry like you do. I would _never do that_."

Okay, so I believed her now. I couldn't not, when she looked me in the eye and said it like that. But . . . it still didn't make sense. I still had a pit of self-loathing balled in my stomach.

"You say you just need a shower?" I knew the perks of a good shower after a long patrol, but this was worlds different. "And to relax a little and you'll be fine?"

"Some food wouldn't hurt either," Nessie said, like she was trying to joke. I still felt like shit, but I smiled a little anyway, because I knew Nessie wanted me to. "You're not the only person who worked up an appetite last night."

My smile should have been more real at that - Nessie talking about last night happily - but . . . I couldn't. All I could think about was what my pleasure had cost her. I remembered what I saw on the bed.

"There's blood on the sheets."

I wasn't sure why I said it, but I did.

"That's - that's normal too, Jacob." I had talked myself into thinking that, but . . . "Without getting too - too technical on you, that's . . . that's kind of something that has to happen."

That made me feel the littlest bit better. I still felt like I should have been able to prevent it somehow. I should've sucked up my fucking pride and asked Carlisle. God.

But there was nothing I could do about that now. What was done was done and Nessie wasn't dwelling on it, perfect, sweet amazing woman that she was. She just needed to relax, which I would make sure she did, and a hot shower, which I would make sure she got.

But first - food. My Nessie was hungry.

"I'll finish fixing breakfast," I told her. "You sit."

"Seriously, I'm fine, Jacob." I ignored her, standing up and setting Nessie as gently as I could back down. She still winced a little, and I felt her pain like it was mine. "I can finish putting the stuff on the table."

"I believe you about this sucky girly crap being somewhat normal, Ness," I admitted, grabbing what all Nessie hadn't put on the table yet. "But if you think I'm letting you do any damn thing while you're hurting, you've got another thing coming."

Nessie just gave me that 'Jake's an idiot, but I still love him' look that I liked. At least she wasn't angry. I got all the stuff and pulled up a chair right up next to Nessie's. I poured her milk for her, and she rolled her eyes, but she would get over it.

Nessie didn't eat, but just pushed our plate towards me. She wanted me to try it, which I had no problem with. I had to pour syrup over everything first, because that was how you ate french toast, but then I was ready to take a monster bite.

It was impossibly better than I remembered. My Mom used to always carry on about putting love in her cooking and that being what made it taste so good. Maybe that was what Nessie did, because even when she was first learning and I had to gulp down plate after plate of burnt eggs, it still tasted better than most. It must've been the love.

"Damn, Nessie." I took another bite. It had been months since I'd had Nessie's food. "I missed you cooking for me."

"I was going to make pancakes," Nessie said as I stuffed the rest of the toast into my mouth. "Since they're your favoritem but there wasn't enough flour."

"Anything you make is my favorite." Even that pile of coconut and cottage cheese with the green gumball in it that you made for me when you were four. "Especially if it taste slike this."

Nessie wasn't eating, so I nodded her towards the plate and she picked up her fork. Fancy. I saw absolutely no reason to use a fork when I could get the food into my mouth just as well with my hands.

"I'm glad you like it." Her grin made me feel that much less horrible about myself - at least my Nessie seemed happy. "I'd be a pretty bad wife if I made my husband eat pizza and chinese for the rest of his life."

That simple sentence knocked all the horribleness out of my head. Her husband. Nessie, my wife, cooked breakfast for her husband this morning.

"My wife cooked me breakfast," I said, grinning, to just try it out. I liked the way it tasted in my mouth.

"It was the least I could do." Then I felt Nessie's foot, tiny and soft, reach out to rest on top of mine. "My husband cooked me supper last night."

I smiled even more and moved my foot under Nessie's so I could feel our skin brush. I watched Nessie take a small bite and look like she was pleased with herself. I ate quick since I was a wolf and hungry as hell, and Nessie ate too. We didn't talk much and soon we were done.

Since I had eaten twice as much as Nessie, I left a little of everything for her, but she swore she was full. Blacks didn't waste food, so I finished it off, along with the rest of Nessie's milk.

I put the jug back in the fridge and the dishes in the sink - they could be washed later. Last I heard, my Nessie wanted a shower. Now that we were married, I could take care of Nessie on every level, and I would. I had done the damage and now I would see the comfort through.

I walked back to where Nessie was sitting and reached down to twirl my fingers around a curl.

"You said you wanted a shower?"

"A hot one." I almost wanted to smile, before I remembered the reason she needed it in the first place. "Long too."

Nessie smiled then though, and I felt a little bit better.

"All right." I could tell Nessie was confused when I kneeled in front of her, but she couldn't think I was gonna let her walk? I wrapped one arm around the small of Nessie's back and the other around her thighs and lifted her as smoothly as I could. She didn't wince. "To the shower it is."

I walked slowly, so I wouldn't jolt Nessie at all, turning sideways so we could fit through the door. I set her down gently in front of the tub. I went ahead and turned on the water since our pipes were old as hell, telling Nessie, "It takes a minute to heat up."

Then I walked the two steps to the door and shut it.

I realized the second I did it what I had done. Made it clear that I intended to stay. But . . . I was Nessie's husband and she was my wife, I had already seen nearly every part of her. I knew that now in a brightly lit bathroom was different from last night in a bed in the dark, but I still didn't want to leave.

I wanted to see it through that my girl was alright.

I walked back to Nessie slowly and tilted her face up towards mine. She was so beautiful, I had to kiss her. It had been entirely too long since I had. Nearly an hour.

Nessie accepted my kisses, her lips molding against mine like always, but I could feel the stiffness in her body, the nerves.

"Are you - " She took my lips again when I brought them back against hers. "Aer you going to stay with me?"

There it was.

"If you want me to." I rubbed her shoulder soothingly, and prayed that she wanted. "I - I'll leave if you want, but . . . I was just wanting to take care of you a little more."

Nessie didn't say anything, letting me kiss her again but staying silent. I finally pulled back, keeping our lips brushing.

"Am I staying, Ness?"

"Mmm." Yes. Nessie's arms lifted to wrap around my shoulders, but she gave a small hiss and stiffened amd my gut twisted. "You're always staying, Jacob."

Always. Good, because I never wanted to leave.

I caught Nessie's arms and brought them back down to her sides, not wanting her to hurt herself. Kissing Nessie was always amazing, but standing wasn't the easiest way for us, especially when Nessie couldn't grip my neck for support. I was just too damn tall, so I sat down on the closet toilet so it would be easier. Even like this, we were the same height.

I wrapped my hands firmly but gently around Nessie's waist and lifted her, setting her between my legs so she wasn't jostled at all.

Then I kissed my wife. Slow and soft, reaching up to the top button of Nessie's shirt. I felt like I should move slower, but we were in the bathroom and the shower was already running. I could feel the steam coming off of it now, even though it wasn't hot to me. There was only one thing that was anymore, but I wouldn't think about that now.

Soon, Nessie's shirt was completely open. I ran my hand down her collarbone and over her breasts, biting back a groan when I realized she had no bra. I kept going, down to Nessie's stomach and she shivered, making me smile a little into our kiss. I was just beginning to smell her.

I knew about the panties before I felt them, having seen them this morning, and I hooked my thumbs on each side like before and tugged them down. I made sure I was gentle since Nessie was probably . . . tender.

She parted her legs the smallest bit so I could slide them down. When I couldn't reach anymore, I just let them go instead of having to let go of Nessie's lips. Nessie shifted a little, stepping out of them and I slipped my tongue into her sweet mouth as I pushed my shirt gently from her shoulders.

Then Nessie was naked in front of me, and I wanted to look so bad. I wanted to see her in the bright light of the bathroom, every curve and angle of her, but I knew Nessie needed a second.

There was one thing I couldn't resist though - something I hadn't gotten the chance to do last night. I ran my palm flat down Nessie's back, and then finally, over her ass.

So. Fucking. Soft.

Nessie shivered hard against me and I knew I had to let go now or I wouldn't. And now was not the time for things to get out of hand like that. I pulled back from Nessie's lips, and the quiet sound our lips made when they separated was hot as hell.

"I think the water should be hot now," I said quietly, my eyes locked on Nessie's, and she nodded.

When I moved to stand up, Nessie stepped back on her own, wincing. Like a total tool, this didn't fuck with me as much as it should have because . . . I could see her now. Every inch of her, naked before me.

Nessie's arm twitched up like she wanted to cover herself, but she tried to act like she was scratching her shoulder. I knew it was probably just her instinct reaction, but I still didn't like it. I wanted Nessie's instinct to be not to shy away from me at all.

I reached down and took her wrists in my hands, bringing them back down to her sides. Opening her for me.

Unable to stop myself, I reached down and took one of her soft breasts in my hand, massaging it gently and watching it as I did. I saw, from the corner of my eye, Nessie was watching too. Did she like the sight as much as I did?

I don't know if it was the sight or the touch, but her scent was definitely saying that she liked it.

After a few seconds though, I slid my hand back up Nessie's neck and dipped down to kiss her.

"Let's get you in the shower, Ness," I told her, then I swept her up in my arms again.

But now Nessie was naked, and this was different. Her body laid out before me in my arms, her soft ass brushing my forearm. I had to force myself to set her down into the shower.

I felt a little self-conscious too as I stepped back to slide my shorts down, especially when I had to pull them over the tent I was pitching. Not even mentioning the way Nessie's eyes raked over my body, but I kinda liked that.

Nessie moved back into the water as I stepped in, pulling the stupid dolphin shower curtain that Rachel picked out for her "aquatic themed" bullshit shut. It felt more private. Me and Nessie, closed off from the world. I'd spent so many showers - in this very bathroom - imagining Nessie was here with me and now she finally was.

I watched Nessie's hair turn dark like I'd thought about a hundred times, some of the water running forward into her eyes, but she didn't shut them or take them off me.

I took a step closer but that was all I could go without pressing myself dead up against Nessie and that wouldn't be very comfortable for her now, especially in my body's current state. I pushed some of Nessie's curls back over her shoulders so they would get wet too.

She was so beautiful like this, my dream, my fantasy, brought to reality. I must have been a saint in a past life. Did Quileutes believe in past lives? Who the hell knew, but I'd live a thousand lives over if I knew I'd get Nessie again.

I had the sudden urge to tell her about it.

* * *

**Coming up:**

"Look at me, my Jacob." I was shocked by the . . . demand in her voice. The Alpha. "Open your eyes."

I obeyed, and then I was seeing her. Her hair and body soaking wet, her breasts pushed up between her arms. Her hands on my body. Her eyes locked on mine.

Then, still keeping our gazes locked, still keeping up her precious torture on my body, Nessie leaned forward and gave my nipple one slow lick. She pulled back a little, but not by much, and I felt the near-exploding feeling. The one that had nothing to do with the phase.

"I love you, baby."

I exploded.


	51. Who Knew Conditioner Had to Sit?

**_A/N:_** Here you go, girls. Jake's POV of The Shower Scene, I know some of you have been waiting. Not much to say about this chapter - _A Tale Told in Kisses_ has been updated, so make sure you check that out! _The Almost Kiss_ is finally here! lol. Sorry for taking so long. Hopefully, the next update will be much sooner.

Oh, and you guys - as of press time, Undeniable is 29 reviews short of 1k! I expect you guys to push me over with this chapter - come on, I know you can do it! :)

Love y'all bunches. :)

**_Disclaimer:_** I own nothing. I can't even say I picked out the lyrics or the chapter title. Talk to Katie. She's a life-saver.

* * *

Who Knew Conditioner Had to Sit?

* * *

_fingers trace your every outline  
paint a picture with my hands  
back and forth we sway like branches in a storm  
change the weather, still together when it ends_

_- maroon 5, sunday morning_

-

"If I tell you something, you won't think I'm perverted?" I smiled a little, watching as Nessie's long curls straightened out with the water. She shook her head hard, shaking what was left of those curls, and I reached out and threaded my fingers through them. "Sometimes, when . . . before us, I mean . . when you'd leave me and go off and shower, I'd sit and think about you. One of the things I always thought about was how your hair would look, all wet. Darker than usual, the curls all straightened out."

Just like now.

It was hard to tell because of the thickness of the steam in the air, but it smelled like . . . Nessie's scent got stronger. She reached out and pressed her tiny wet hand to my chest.

"That - that first night after the wedding," she said, her eyes wide. "When you left me to take a shower in the morning, I kept - thinking about you and I got so . . . so _frustrated_ . . ."

It was like the best kind of punch in the chest when I realized. I - I guess, logically, that I knew. If you had asked me, it probably would have occurred, but it never had. That day - that first day in the hotel when I smelled . . . it was me.

Nessie had been thinking about me. Wanting me.

I just looked at her. So beautiful, and she had wanted me all along.

"I know."

Nessie's eyes widened. "You know?"

"I smelled it." Oh, did I smell it. "I - it was so hard to keep control of myself that first time."

"I'm sorry." She was sorry? "But . . . you don't have to do that anymore. Keep control of yourself, I mean."

I couldn't help but groan. The words just sounded too good. The idea of not having to control myself . . . but no. I wouldn't forget what giving in so easily to my desires had done; Nessie was still in pain.

"Don't be sorry," was all I could say. I reached down and massaged Nessie's shoulder, remembering I was supposed to be taking care of her. "Just turn around so I can wash your hair."

"Wash my hair?" Nessie asked, as I slowly turned her around, but she didn't seem to be against the idea.

I was absolutely unable to keep from dragging my eyes downwards. Nessie's naked back, like I'd never seen it before. Then down, down to where her ass swelled out. One of the only parts of her I hadn't seen yet.

It was worth the wait.

"Mmm." I shifted my weight back the smallest bit as a . . . precaution again my body's reaction. Because my body did react, strongly. And tilted Nessie's head forward the smallest bit so the water could soak through her hair. I took us back another step once her hair was soaked. "I'm taking care of you right now, remember?" And trying not to stare at your ass. I tore my eyes away to grab some of Rachel's girly shampoo she had in here. "Now, do you want freesia breeze or coconut cream?"

"What?" Nessie giggled, turning to look at me. I tried not to let my body notice how sexy she looked like that, staring at me from over her naked shoulder.

"Unless you want Head and Shoulders, which is what I'm about to use." No need to tell her I just used regular soap most of the time. "I'm just telling you the girly shit Rachel's got in here."

"You choose, Jake." Nessie smiled brightly and turned back so she was facing ahead. My eyes flickered down to her ass again. "I trust your judgement."

It really didn't matter to me either way since Nessie would smell perfect anyway, but I didn't care too much for coconut.

"Freesia breeze sounds cool," I decided out loud. Since it did. Companies always gave their girly shit weird names.

I squeezed a handful into my palm, enough for Nessie's thick mane of hair, and set it back down. The only person's hair I'd ever washed besides my own was Billy's a couple of times, and this was definitely different. I wanted this to be really good for Nessie, soft and gentle.

My eyes kept sliding up and down Nessie's body while I massaged the shampoo into her scalp. I thanked God for our height difference when I realized I could see clear over Nessie's shoulder, to where her breasts sloped down from her chest. I had plenty of things to look at while I worked.

And her hair was so soft in my hands, sliding easily between my fingers.

Slowly, I felt the tension slide out of Nessie's body and I hoped that meant I was doing it right. Finally though, I knew Nessie's hair was clean and I was just wasting time.

"Turn around so I can rinse it out, Ness," I said quietly, and Nessie obeyed slowly.

When she did, her face was level with my chest and upper stomach, and I saw Nessie's eyes widen. I tilted Nessie's head back gently so I wouldn't get any shampoo in her eyes while I rinsed her hair out. Once it was out of her scalp though, I brought her head back up so she wouldn't hurt her neck, then reached back to work on the rest.

I was very, very careful to keep my hips back away from Nessie. Now was not the time for that.

"You're so handsome."

I looked down at Nessie, who was watching me, still working. The pit of my stomach felt warm. I knew that Nessie thought I was handsome, obviously, but she didn't say it much. I didn't need or expect her to - but it was still a sweet surprise.

"Well, you're so beautiful." I, on the other hand, said it a lot and with good reason. "But you knew that."

"You're just - you're just always telling me how pretty and beautiful and - and stuff I am, but I never tell you." I was pretty sure it was more than the steam making Nessie's cheeks pink. "I just wanted to tell you. You're so . . . all of it. Beautiful, handsome, hot, sexy, all of it, Jacob."

I didn't know what to say - I wanted to snatch Nessie up into my arms and kiss her, or pull her up against my stomach so she could feel exactly how sexy I thought she was, but I knew neither of those were options. So I just pulled Nessie gently from under the spray and grabbed some conditioner without looking at it.

"Thank you, then," I finally said as I squirted some into my hand.

Nessie just nodded and let me start smoothing the conditioner into her hair. It was a lot slicker than the shampoo, sliding through and softening Nessie's already soft hair. When I was done, I tried to guide Nessie back under the spray to rinse, but she stopped me.

"Conditioner has to sit." I watched her reach up and twist her slick hair into a bun that immediately fell half-apart. The movement of her arms did amazing things for her breasts. "Five minutes, at least."

I was learning new girly shit everyday. Okay, well, I could definitely find something to do for five minutes. I just hadn't been completely prepared for it yet.

"That's fine." I reached out of the shower to the shelf hanging outside it, feeling around for a washcloth. "I'll get a head start on washing your body."

"Wash my body?"

I nodded, watching Nessie's eyes carefully as I stuck the cloth under the spray to wet it. I made sure I grabbed Rachel's 'sensitive skin' soap that she fussed at me not to use and lathered up the rag.

I knew Nessie would probably be a little nervous, and that was okay because I was too, but she didn't seem afraid. So I took my time, slowly washing over her shoulders and down the front slope of her chest.

Then lower, to her breasts. If it was possible, they looked even better wet, and I couldn't wait to get my hands on them. As always, they were perfect in my hands, soft and supple and I never wanted to let go. Especially not when Nessie moaned.

Nessie kept her eyes closed while I . . . washed her, but after a few seconds she sighed and opened them. One of her perfect eyebrows arched.

"Am I very dirty there?"

Her smile was gold. Nessie wasn't dirty, but I definitely was.

I just wagged my eyebrows at her since she obviously didn't mind, and Nessie laughed. It was followed up by a moan though, and I knew then that I had to move on.

To be able to reach much lower easily, I knew I had to be shorter and there was only one way to do that.

I had to admit, the idea of getting to my knees in front of Nessie was really appealing. Nessie's hands wound themselves into my hair when I was almost there.

"Jacob, you don't have to - you'll hurt your knees."

"I'm not going to hurt anything, Nessie." Her worry was touching, but I was tougher than that. "Don't worry about me right now, honey."

The sight from here was good, and I was just at the perfect height for . . . everything I wanted to do. Nessie's breasts, round and tempting and perfect, were inches away from my face and I leaned in and pressed a kiss to the soft skin between them while I rubbed the cloth across Nessie's flat stomach.

Nessie's scent grew steadily as I washed her down, taking care to get every inch of her. Her stomach and legs, all the way down to her feet. When I finally brought the cloth down over the curve of her ass, Nessie half-giggled and half-moaned in the best way.

Wanting Nessie to be as comfortable as possible, I had saved the most intimate thing for last. She needed to be relaxed. She needed to trust me. I knew she was sore, but . . . we had sex last night and it only made sense that she cleaned herself.

Or let me clean her.

But finally, I had washed every other inch of Nessie's body, down to her cute little toes. So I slid my hand slowly up her soft calf to press lightly against the back of her knee, trying to silently tell her what I wanted.

It didn't work though, because when Nessie looked down at me, her eyes were confused.

"Lift up, Ness," I told her quietly.

Nessie just stared at me, her eyes wide, for what felt like a long time. Almost like she hadn't heard me, so I thought maybe she hadn't. I pressed again, a little more firmly, against the back of her knee.

"I'm gonna take care of you, honey," I promised, knowing that she was probably nervous. I didn't want her to be.

Nessie watched me for another long second before I felt her knee unlock, my permission. So slowly, knowing how much Nessie was trusting me and not taking it lightly, I lifted Nessie's leg up so her foot rested on the edge of the tub.

Open for me, completely. Even though I couldn't see. I wanted to dip my head and try to so bad, but I knew that was too much. My girl was already trusting me so much.

Nessie's hands gripped my shoulders tight for balance, and when I was sure she had it, I ran the cloth slowly up her inner thigh. I wasn't sure, but it felt like the muscles there were shaking faintly. Nessie shivered hard against me when the cloth reached the the crease of her thigh and I held back a groan as her scent surged.

I remembered something at the very last minute.

"Nessie?" She brought her eyes down to mine, shy. "Can I wash you with soap here?"

Nessie gave me a small smile, but her cheeks stayed pink.

"Soap is fine, Jake."

Okay, good.

My stomach tighter than usual, I made sure my lust was firmly in control before I gently lifted the cloth to brush between Nessie's legs.

She gasped and bucked her hips against my hand, making me freeze. Was I too rough?

"Are you okay?"

"Yes . . . I just wasn't expecting it." She bit that lip, that beautiful, full lip. "It was a . . . nice surprise."

So it felt good then? I felt relief flood through me, and then I got an idea.

I knew Nessie would be the sorest near her . . . entrance, where her body had been stretched to take me. I knew washing there would hurt, but if there was any way for me to distract her from that . . .

So when I reached back to wash her there, I brought my other hand up to press against that small place where Nessie like to be touched. Nessie gasped, and bucked against my hand, her scent surging. No signs of pain.

"Jake!"

I _loved_ to hear her say my name like that. And I would always answer her.

"Yeah, baby?"

Nessie shook her head and held onto my shoulders even tighter. I kept touching Nessie with my thumb even when I took the cloth away to rinse it out. I brought it back to carefully wash away the soap and changed the way I was touching her, trying something new and using the heel of my palm instead.

Nessie's scent stayed strong, so I took it that this felt just as good. I was done washing Nessie now, but I wasn't ready to let go of her. She had done so much for me, been through so much pain that I wanted to give her more pleasure back.

I leaned in, finally giving in to the temptation, and pulled one of her wet pink nipples past my lips. I was in no hurry, and I hadn't had my hands on Nessie long, so I was surprised when Nessie's fingers reached up to grip my hair and she thrust her hips hard against my hand.

I smelled it before I felt it, the rush of wetness letting me know Nessie was . . . finishing, as she liked to say. She made that soft mewling sound and worked her hips against my hand harder. I concentrated on not being too rough and still keeping up with what her body was asking for, the taste of her in my mouth distracting me some, but not too much.

Nothing could distract me from this.

I was still shocked it came on so fast when Nessie's body sagged against mine. I let her slip from my lips and licked her softly in case my teeth had accidentally scraped her too roughly. I picked up the cloth from the floor by my knee and wiped it between her legs one more time, to bring away the excess . . . wetness. Nessie whimpered and I ached. I literally ached.

Dropping the cloth, I reached up and wrapped one of my hands around her hip and my other around the back of her knee, making sure she had her balance while I helped her bring her propped up leg down.

Then I dipped my head, pressing my lips to Nessie's soft stomach. She shivered, again.

I stood up then. It had to have been at least five minutes, right? I had forgotten just how small Nessie was until I was towering over her again. I was so happy that I had made Nessie feel good, but my own lust was back again and harder than ever to deny. I needed to get out of this shower soon.

I was getting ready to guide Nessie back under the spray to rinse her hair back out when she stepped forward and wrapped her arms around my waist and buried her face in my chest, hugging me. It was so . . . sweet and so unexpected that I was caught off my guard.

So off guard that it took me a few seconds to realize Nessie was pressed right up against my hard on, trapping it between my stomach and hers. I tried to step back when I did realize, but Nessie pulled herself out of my arms altogether.

I was getting ready to kick myself again for being such a horndog that I ruined something as simple and sweet as a hug from Nessie. But then Nessie reached out and rested her small hand on my hip, her fingers running over my hipbone. I tried not to get any harder, but it didn't work.

Especially not when she took her hand off of my hip completely . . . to wrap around me.

I clenched my jaw and sucked in a breath as Nessie stroked me slowly, twice. Like she'd been doing it her whole life. It was . . . _so_, so good, but I couldn't let her do this. Touch me because I touched her, out of a sense of responsibility. I wouldn't take anymore when I'd already taken so much. For the next while, I just needed to give. I needed to stop this.

When Nessie stopped her touches for a split second, I found the strength to, forcing my eyes open.

"Nessie - "

"Why do you always try to stop me, Jacob?" God, this Nessie was back. The Nessie who knew exactly how to play me, going back to stroking me perfectly. "Let me make you feel good like you make me."

She didn't understand. How could I even explain?

_Especially_ when she was touching me like this.

"I just - feel like I'm - I already - take so much - "

"Take so much what?" Stop touching me so good, baby, and I might be able to tell you. "You never take anything from me, Jake."

She was too perfect. Too sweet.

"Like last - night - I, I hurt you so bad you - can't walk and - and still even now when I - think about it - all I remember - is how fucking amazing - "

And I know that makes me horrible, because I was _hurting _you.

"Me too, Jake." I could hardly process that thought as Nessie's thumb brushed over a particularly . . . sensitive place. "That's all I remember too."

Was it possible?

Nessie stroked me harder and I forgot completely. Or lost the will to stop at least. I shut my eyes tight and my head rolled back. I fisted the shower wall to keep the smallest bit of control over my hands, but the other one wouldn't settle for anything less than Nessie's soft hair.

Then next thing I felt over the lust pounding in my stomach was Nessie's lips, pressing a kiss to the top of my stomach.

"I love it when you kiss me, Jacob." Fuck. Nessie was touching me faster now. Oh, _fuck_. "And when you touch me." God_damn_. Then - then . . . I felt her tongue. Her small, wet tongue . . . flicking across my nipple. "And taste me." I couldn't open my eyes. I wanted to so bad, but I knew I didn't have the strength for it. I couldn't face Nessie now and keep control. "And I absolutely love it when you're inside me."

I groaned out loud.

Too much. Too fucking much. I couldn't hear Nessie say shit like that - I couldn't imagine her feeling like that, not when she had her hands on me like this. Stroking, pulling, fucking _caressing_.

The crying-out feeling was back, and I bit my lip to keep it in.

Especially when Nessie stroked me _harder_, her fingers rubbing across my chest and teasing my nipples like I teased hers.

"Look at me, my Jacob." I was shocked by the . . . demand in her voice. The Alpha. "Open your eyes."

I obeyed, and then I was seeing her. Her hair and body soaking wet, her breasts pushed up between her arms. Her hands on my body. Her eyes locked on mine.

Then, still keeping our gazes locked, still keeping up her precious torture on my body, Nessie leaned forward and gave my nipple one slow lick. She pulled back a little, but not by much, and I felt the near-exploding feeling. The one that had nothing to do with the phase.

"I love you, baby."

I exploded.

There was no taming it down or calling it back. My body was bursting out of itself and I had no control over any of it, and I didn't want to. My body needed friction, so my hips thrusted. My hands wanted Nessie, so they took her, pulling her hard up against my body.

It felt like a long time before I came down, but Nessie was the first thing to break through when I did. When I was spent, she let me go and I finally relaxed fully. I didn't remember closing my eyes again, but when I opened them . . . I was immediately horrified.

I had done it again, let Nessie play me, but with a much worse result than before. I lost control - completely. And now . . . all over Nessie's stomach and even her breasts . . .

"Shit, Nessie." I reached my hand out to her, disgusted with myself. The most disgusting part being how much I . . . liked seeing it. Nessie must be horrified. "Fuck, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to - "

Nessie looked almost confused, until she looked down at her stomach. At my horrible fucking mistake - my complete and utter disrespect of her in the worse way. Treating her like . . .

Was that a fucking smile?

"It's okay, Jacob." Okay? _Okay?_ "It's . . . it's more than okay, really."

"Seriously, Ness, I can't believe I just - "

"Would you just stop freaking out, Jake?" Nessie tilted her face up, which usually meant she wanted a kiss, but by the frustrated sound in her voice I figured I must be wrong. "We're married, Jake, we can't be shy. When -- when I'm shy, you get me over it. When I tried to cover myself, you wouldn't let me. When I didn't . . . when I was uncomfortable . . . opening my legs, you worked me through it."

Didn't she get it wasn't embarrassment?

"I trust you, every time. You don't - you don't know how nervous I was, being naked in front of you the first time, but I trusted you because you told me to." Oh, baby. "I always trust you, but you never trust me." I always trust you, honey. "You always think I'm lying or downplaying it or trying to make you feel better and I'm _not_, Jacob!"

"Nessie - "

"I like touching you. I like when you bite me and kiss me rough and act all Alpha and call me yours." Damn. "I like when you stick your hand down the back of my jeans and I like that your favorite part of me is what it is and I . . . I like what happened just now. You have to believe me, Jake."

"You like that?" I wanted to believe her, so bad, but it just didn't make _sense_ that she would . . . "You're not . . . grossed out?"

"No!" But how? "Did . . . when you touch me and - your fingers, I mean - d'you think that's gross?"

I stopped short. That was true. Feeling Nessie's . . . wetness never failed to turn me on beyond comprehension, even though I'd only felt it a handful of times. Could it be the same for her?

"I just never really thought of it like that," I admitted.

"Well, that's what I'm here for," Nessie said, smiling and tilting her face up again.

Then I realized I hadn't kissed Nessie's lips since we'd been in the shower, and that was just unacceptable. The next second, I had Nessie's mouth against mine. Her arms came up to wrap around my neck and she didn't tense at all.

No pain. Yes.

I wrapped my arms tight around Nessie's waist and lifted her, stepping forward into the water. It crashed around us, getting me wet and soaking Nessie again. Her skin was so _good _wet. Nessie's fingers buried themselves in my hair and I felt myself begin to stir again.

Already. Damn, what this woman did to me.

Then, as Nessie's small tongue coaxed my lips open, I saw it.

Me and Nessie . . . me, pressing Nessie against the shower wall. This shower wall. My hips, thrusting hard, and I felt the strange but arousing sense of being filled. Just for a flash, how Nessie felt when we were together.

I wasn't stirring anymore. I was there. All of me.

What Nessie wanted, Nessie got, and before I could stop myself I had her pressed against the shower wall. Nessie's legs lifted and wrapped themselves around my waist, She was open for me, and I could feel her, sliding smoothly against my stomach.

God.

I kissed a little harder, the image of making love to Nessie here still burned into my mind. I explored Nessie's mouth with my tongue, tasting her. Savoring her. I reached up and took Nessie's wet breast in my palm, and she mewled into my mouth.

If it was possible, I wanted Nessie even more than before. To take her now and here, claim her again as mine like I'd seen with her gift. I slid her lower, the few inches until I could press myself forward into Nessie's wet heat. I bit back a groan. I hadn't felt Nessie's wetness against me like this.

Nessie wasn't stopping me. In fact, her wriggling seeme to be trying to get us closer, but I had to be sure. I knew I had to start trusting Nessie, and I would, but that didn't mean I wouldn't take absolutely every precaution with her.

"Nessie." My love, my imprint, my best friend. My beautiful, beautiful wife. "I'm only going to ask you once and I'll believe whatever you tell me: are you too sore for this right now?"

I knew, whatever Nessie told me now would be the truth. And when her face fell, the smallest bit, I knew the answer.

"I - I think so, Jake." I already knew, baby. "It's . . . much better now, and I - I want to so bad, but I think we should wait a little while."

I would wait years for her. My body didn't even complain much as I kissed Nessie's soft lips one more time and set her easily down. I took a second to look her body over one more time though, round breasts and flat stomach down to those hips . . .

I had to get out of this shower before I got myself going again. But I had to get that damn conditioner out first.

* * *

**Coming up:**

Nessie's body slid down, and she dropped further onto her elbows and she kissed the very top of my stomach, lips open. Her upper half was lowered down closer to my body, but her bottom half wasn't, giving me a wide, clear view down - or more like up - her back. Straight to where her hips swelled out and her ass started.

"And I love your muscles."

Fuck.

Nessie's lips parted even further and her tongue came out, dipping down between my abs. My body let me arch up into Nessie's mouth like I wanted. Yes.

I was confused - and at the same time only half-bothered by it - as Nessie's tongue kept up its hot, gentle exploring. Licking, kissing, driving me insane. Why couldn't I react how I wanted?


	52. My Tree Hugging, Half Vampire Wife

**_A/N:_** Little announcement, first off: _Undeniable_ has reached 1,000 reviews! Ah! You girls are insane and I love you all!

This chapter is pretty much all things you've seen before, except for the beginning. Remember Nessie's dream? Well, Jake certainly does. :) Not much else to say other than that, so . . .

Peace and love, ladies. :)

**_Disclaimer: _**I own nothing. Oh, and another little note - the chapter title is in reference to Jacob's thoughts on Nessie's showering together comment.

**_Dedication:_** This chapter goes out first to **mediate89**, who gave me my 1000th review. Then to all the rest of you lovely ladies who got me there! There were 999 other ones before it that made that possible and so thank you so, so much for each and every one of them. Really. I'm so thankful.

* * *

My Tree-Hugging, Half-Vampire Wife

* * *

_i fall in love all over every time i look at you  
i don't know where i'd be without you here with me  
life with you makes perfect sense  
you're my best friend_

_- best friend, tim mcgraw_

_-_

Soft hands. Soft, soft hands slid down my body. And then lips, warm and smooth and full, against my throat.

Nessie. Mine.

I growled softly and opened my eyes to see her over me, on her hands and knees, completely naked. Bare. Mine. I tried to reach out and pull her against me, but one of her arms came out to block me.

"Na-uh, Jake." I just let my hands fall. "No touching for you yet."

I groaned at just the words. Then I groaned at more than the words, when Nessie dipped her head down to nip at my shoulder lightly. Her hair brushed across my stomach, soft.

"I love your skin, Jacob," Nessie whispered, then brought her head lower, brushing her lips over my pecs. Her small tongue flicked out to tease each of my nipples and still, my hands stayed at my sides.

I wanted to lift them, but I literally couldn't. I wanted to tell Nessie that I loved her skin too, but those words wouldn't come either.

Nessie's body slid down, and she dropped further onto her elbows as she kissed the very top of my stomach, lips open. Her upper half was lowered down closer to my body, but her bottom half wasn't, giving me a wide, clear view down - or more like up - her back. Straight to where her hips swelled out and her ass started.

"And I love your muscles."

Fuck.

Nessie's lips parted even further and her tongue came out, dipping down between my abs. My body let me arch up into Nessie's mouth like I wanted. Yes.

I was confused - and at the same time only half-bothered by it - as Nessie's tongue kept up its hot, gentle exploring. Licking, kissing, driving me insane. Why couldn't I react how I wanted?

My hands suddenly lifted and twisted themselves into Nessie's hair, even though I hadn't told them to. Nessie had told me not to touch, so I hadn't, but . . . what the fuck was going on?

I moaned as Nessie's kisses moved lower. This was so good . . . Nessie's lips stalled right at my navel, her mouth coming off of me just enough so her breath tickled my skin.

My fingers gripped Nessie's hair tighter, without me telling them to.

"Don't you dare fucking stop."

I wanted to freeze - my brain definitely did - but my body wouldn't, and kept arching into Nessie's mouth. How . . . how in the hell could I say something like that? To Nessie? To my Nessie, and not . . . in the Alpha voice too. A command.

I wanted to open my mouth and take it back, but again, I couldn't.

This couldn't be real. This had to be a . . . dream or, or _something _because I would never . . .

Then . . . my eyes opened, and I was in my bedroom. But the picture didn't stop. Two reels moving in my mind.

I was still seeing Nessie, naked on her hands and knees, kissing down my body, but - I was here. In my bedroom, with Nessie, who was asleep.

I looked down at her curled around my body, her tiny hands holding onto my chest, and that's when I realized. It _was_ a dream. Nessie's dream.

She was dreaming about . . . God. Dreaming about me saying that to her. My body sagged in relief at the same time it hardened with lust. So I hadn't completely lost my mind and commanded Nessie like that . . . but it looked like she might not mind.

Actually, dream Nessie didn't seem to mind at all, because she just whispered back, "I wouldn't dream of it."

And kept on going.

I shifted my body onto my back as good as I could in my small-ass bed so my ridiculous hard on wouldn't jab into Nessie's stomach and wake her up. She needed sleep. And I really wanted to see the rest of this dream.

Nessie wasn't as shy in her dreams, which made sense because I wasn't either, but she didn't blush once as I watched her kiss her way down my stomach. God, that looked so good. Nessie's lips on my body like that, the few times I'd felt them, had been incredible. To feel them like that . . . damn it. And my girl sure looked like she was enjoying it.

Soon, I was hard as steel. Damn it. It was just so goddamn hot, and the view of Nessie's ass wasn't helping me any either. Her ass had been driving me crazy all damn day. I thought I'd be in the clear once I got her dressed again, but who was I kidding?

She put on the tiniest pair of black shorts and a grey tank top, less than I'd seen her in for awhile . . . pre-wedding, of course. I couldn't even remember the last time I'd seen Nessie in shorts. Those legs . . . .

And that ass.

I literally spent the whole day trying not to be a horndog and jump her. And also repressing the urge to smack her ass every time I was presented with it. It was a weird urge, but I mean, to be honest, any guy would jump at the chance to smack an ass like that.

I almost growled at just the thought. Not that they ever would. Ever.

It was weird too - I'd spend half of my time working my way up to it, building up my courage, and then the other half trying to keep myself from doing it. I wasn't sure how Nessie would react - she liked everything I did so far, but would she think it was rude? I mean, she knew how much I liked . . . certain parts of her, but still.

All thoughts of today scattered when dream Nessie scooted even lower down my body. Down to where those lines along my hips (the ones Embry called his _sex lines_) started.

Nessie's - the real Nessie, warm and asleep against my side - scent surged. At the same time she drew her tongue down across that line. I groaned out loud, in real life and in her dream too, but tried to keep it quiet so I wouldn't wake her.

Nessie was enjoying her dream almost as much as I was. Damn.

My eyes went unfocused on the room around me as I tried to focus harder on Nessie's dream. She licked down, all the way down, until she was nearly at my thigh. Inches away from my hardness - and in Nessie's dream, I was definitely hard. Almost as hard as I was now.

I waited, half afraid and half desperate to see what could come next. Nessie wouldn't . . . would she? She hadn't thought about something like that, had she? How would she even know . . . ?

But then - just before I found out if Nessie knew or not, she shifted in her sleep. Threw one of her legs across my hips, right across my hard on, and lifted her hand from my chest. Only to move it up to the side of my neck, but the connection had closed.

Damn.

And now, here I was, at four o'clock in the morning, in bed with my beautiful wife, and hard as hell. With nothing I could do about it.

I could do with a hot shower right about now, but . . . that didn't seem right anymore. Not now that Nessie and me were . . . I mean. It's not like being with me was some huge privilege or gift, the opposite really, but it just felt like I was taking something from Nessie if I did that. Besides, I didn't want to leave her.

So I would just have to suffer through it.

It was almost torture though, because it was clear that Nessie's dream was still going on. But the connection was closed, and so I saw none of it.

I tried to think of everything I could to get my body to calm down, but it didn't work. It was much easier when I was terrified of Nessie seeing my reaction - fear was a pretty good mood killer, but now that was gone. And little Jake seemed like he was here to stay.

It didn't help that all I could think of was Nessie anyway.

Finally though, I dozed back off. Into my very own Nessie-dreams.

I woke up, again, to the smell of food and an empty bed. I felt really happy and like shit at the same time. Really happy because, of course, I was married and Nessie was my wife and she was in my kitchen - cooking breakfast by the smell of it - and I was going to see her in like two seconds. But like shit because today we had to go back to real life.

I wasn't used to real life. For the past three months, real life had been me and Nessie in a hotel room. And for the past day and a half, well . . . I didn't want to face reality. Especially the reality that meant leaving Nessie.

Soon. So goddamn soon.

I pushed it out of my head and got out of bed. I had clothes on this morning - or shorts anyway. I would have to spend at least most of the day away from Nessie - I had to catch the guys up on everything and that was bound to take awhile, so I was damned if I was wasting anymore of my time with her. I promised Nessie I'd hurry through it as much as possible, but some things couldn't be hurried.

Making sure Nessie was safe definitely couldn't.

I found Nessie almost the exact same way as yesterday morning, just by walking to the doorway. She was humming softly and kind of skipping as she walked across my tiny kitchen with a blender full of something pink.

I took a few steps, across the hall and almost into the living room, but Nessie didn't look up. Caught up in her own little world. Well, I could work with that.

I will admit, I did try to be quiet as I possibly could, so that was probably her excuse for not hearing me as I got closer. I got really good at being sneaky as a kid, when I'd have to steal cookie-dough from the bowl when my mom was baking - and being a werewolf helped.

I was actually kind of surprised when I got right behind her. Didn't she smell me? She was setting the blender into the sink when I think she finally noticed my presence - she jumped and I shot my arms out to steady hers so she didn't spill whatever was in the blender. It smelled too good to let go down the drain.

My wife, cooking me breakfast again.

"You need to quit that," I teased her, pressing my body up against hers. I wrapped one arm around her waist and took the blender from her hands with the other, setting it on the counter. "You're going to spoil me and then I'll expect breakfast ready every morning when I get up."

"I don't mind." Of course you don't, because you're the sweetest girl ever. "I like cooking for you."

"Well, it smells good."

Black family rule number six: always compliment a Black woman's cooking or you risk not eating. And Nessie was a Black woman now, after all . . .

That thought alone made me grin like a fool. I dipped my knees so I could press a kiss to the side of Nessie's soft neck, but she giggled and scrunched her shoulder up so I could barely reach.

"What?" I kissed the ticklish spot again and then bit the same place playfully, but I was almost smiling too hard to do it. "No kiss this morning?"

Nessie turned in arms and wrapped her arms around my neck, so I let mine fall to her hips. I leaned down and she strained up and somehow our lips got parallel enough to meet.

It was a little hotter than a normal good morning kiss, but I was totally cool with that. Nessie pulled away, cheeks pink, and I think I wasn't the only one who liked our not-exactly-morning kiss.

"How's that?"

"So good I want another one," I said, instead of trying to describe the amazingness that was her kisses.

I kissed Nessie again for another few seconds, her ass tempting my hands, inches away from it on her hips. I made a snap decision. Nessie wouldn't get angry - she never did. She was my Ness.

So I gave in to the urge I'd been fighting on and off for weeks and reached back and lightly smacked her ass. Barely, not even enough to sting, but well . . . enough to . . . get me going. I was able to control _that_ particular reaction, at least.

"Now, let me get some of that smoothie," I said, trying to smooth over it and keep everything playful.

I turned away from Nessie and grabbed the food -_ omelets_ - and some cups, making myself comfortable at the table. That's when I chanced a look at Ness - whose face was fire-engine red.

Shit.

I'd embarrassed her. Damn it. Why couldn't I just keep myself under control? I had to apologize, but I'd wait a minute. Hopefully make things less awkward.

Nessie grabbed some forks and the blender and brought it to the table. Since she only ever fixed us one plate, I pulled a chair over right next to mine and motioned for her to come. She did, while I was pouring what I now recognized as smoothie into our glasses.

Damn, this girl was good - where did she learn how to do all this stuff?

Nessie actually scooted her chair closer and then threw one of her legs in between mine, so she couldn't have been too upset, even though her face was still red. I let my hand slip down to touch Nessie's thigh, pretty much entirely bare in those teensy shorts. Only for a second though - a wolf's gotta eat. And I'm sure the wolf's wife, as much as she loved him, wouldn't want him on her all the time.

I grabbed my fork and tore a huge piece off, which of course, tasted like heaven. I stuffed my mouth a couple of times before I grabbed my smoothie and gulped down about half of it.

"This is fucking awesome, Ness."

Black family rule number seven: obscenities are only allowed at the dinner table when complimenting the cook.

Nessie just smiled, cheeks still pink, and sipped off of her smoothie. Damn it. I had to fix this now.

"Listen," I said, after I'd chugged some more of my drink to put it off. "I'm sorry if I - embarrassed you or something a minute ago. I was just playing."

Nessie actually looked kinda confused. "What?"

Shit, she was gonna make me say it?

"With - " Well, I guess if I was too embarrassed to say it, I shouldn't be doing it, huh? "You know, when I . . . smacked you."

"Why would you think I'm embarrassed?"

Because you won't look at me. Because you're fidgeting. Because you're trying to distract me by rubbing my leg like that, which feels awesome, by the way.

"Because your face turned red as hell and still is," I said instead. God, I should've just kept my hands to myself. "I didn't mean to, Ness."

"I wasn't embarrassed." I watched Nessie shake her head, shocked. "That's - it's not why I blushed. Don't worry, Jake."

"You weren't?" I checked.

Nessie shook her head and I nodded, surprised but happy.

Nessie told me to trust her, and she promised to always tell me the truth. So if Nessie said that she wasn't embarrassed, then I would believe her. As for why she was blushing though, that was a different story . . .

"Besides, I know how much you probably enjoyed it. You can't get enough of my ass, figuratively and literally."

I about choked on my smoothie. I was, no other word for it, shocked.

I had to admit, it was a good one - but it wasn't just that . . . it was that Nessie _said _it. Her cheeks were still pink, but something had to be said for courage. Damn. I _loved_ that she was . . . comfortable enough to say shit like that to me.

But that didn't mean I couldn't get her back. I remembered the reason why I was up half the night.

"Oh, really . . . well, everything has their things: asses, stomach lines." Nessie's face didn't change like she caught on, so I guess she needed another little push. "Any particularly interesting dreams last night, Nessie?"

My pride was so gonna take a hit if she didn't remember it.

It didn't look like she did for a second, but then Nessie's eyes widened, and she choked on her smoothie. Payback, honey.

"How did you see that?"

"You had your hands on my chest." Never wearing shirts to sleep again if that's what it gets me. "I wasn't trying to see. I actually thought it was my own dream at first, but then it was so realistic I thought I was awake. I obviously realized it wasn't when I woke up, and well . . . then I figured it out."

"You could've moved my hand."

"And miss the show?" I teased her, wrapping my arm and pulling her close, so she wouldn't be embarrassed. "No way in hell."

Nessie was still looking a little frozen, so I leaned down and brushed my nose and lips over her ear. I kissed the place just beside it and she shivered. Yes.

"You know I'm just teasing you, baby." Payback for teasing me so bad last night, even if you didn't know it. "We'll have to try that dream out one day."

But I promise to be much more . . . polite than in your dream.

"Mmm." Nessie pressed her face into my chest and I felt her smile against my skin. "Please."

Please is right.

I ate the last little bit of my huge omelet and Nessie pushed her end of the plate towards me for me to finish hers. I loved her and her tiny little stomach. They say your stomach is the size of both of your firsts put together - so comparatively speaking, Nessie's was a birdie to my football.

I fit the rest of her food into my mouth in one bite and downed my smoothie that Nessie just refilled. I pushed the plate away and leaned back against the chair, sliding my hand down to the small of Nessie's back, where her shorts and top didn't meet. Soft skin.

Guess we had to fucking get going now. Damn it.

"You want the shower first, Nessie?"

Nessie nodded, and her face fell the smallest bit. I wanted to kiss it away, but there was no way I could make this better. We had to spend the day apart, and we hadn't done that in months. I had to see the pack and Nessie needed - and wanted, I know - to see her family. She'd missed them more than she tried to show me.

"You want to come with me?" Fuck. Yes. Of course. "To save time. And water."

So environmentally conscious. And tempting, kissing along my jaw like that.

God, I wanted to wash her down again.

"We wouldn't end up saving much water," I forced myself to say. Damn, I was an idiot. I leaned down and took a kiss that tasted like our breakfast. "Or time. I'd have you in there all morning, and I really need to check up on the pack."

"Okay." She didn't look happy about it, but I wasn't either. She stood up and cocked her hip in that adorable, sexy way. "I'll go first, but know it won't be half as fun without you."

I know, me too. Solo showers will never measure up again. For a number of reasons.

I guess our teasing this morning had let me get a little too comfortable, because that was the only excuse I had for saying, "You mean without the happy ending."

"What?"

Shit. Too crude. Definitely too crude, Jake.

"Nothing." I told myself it was to distract Nessie, but it was really because I'd gotten my half-permission and now I was unstoppable. I reached out and smacked Nessie's ass lightly again, and her cheeks flushed pink just like before. "Get to the shower, Ness, before you break my willpower for good."

Nessie left, and of course my eyes were only focused on one thing. The sway of her hips and the curve of her round ass. It was like I could still feel the place where I'd smacked her against my hand. I felt an addiction in the making, but I wasn't about to fight against it.

Once Nessie had disappeared into the bathroom, probably taking off her clothes, probably standing under the spray . . . okay.

So I got up and took our dishes to the sink before I could talk myself into believing Nessie had forgotten how to wash her hair since two days ago. I was just about to leave them there - I could get to them later - but then I remembered how the past few times I had done that, Nessie ended up washing them.

I didn't want her to feel like I was leaving everything for her to clean up, so I decided to do them. I hate the shit, and I had to careful because I'll break the plates if I get to going too fast, so it took awhile. I was just finishing up when I heard the bathroom door open. I felt the steam, just barely, changing the atmosphere of the room.

And Nessie's scent, warm and clean . . . and most importantly close.

I looked up to see Nessie standing in the doorway of my kitchen in one of my ratty towels. Wet, the towel too thin by now to do much good, clinging to all of her curves. I was originally going to replace them, not wanting Nessie to have to use my crappy stuff, but now . . .

"You don't have to do that." Nessie nodded towards the sink, her cheeks pink again, probably from the way I was staring her down. But there were some things I just wouldn't apologize for. "I was going to do it."

"Yeah, while I drink beer and watch SportsCenter with my hand down my pants?" I rolled my eyes and put the last dish on the drying rack. Actually, I didn't do the alcohol thing, but it gave out the image I needed. "I can do stuff too, Ness."

"Whatever." I dried my hands off on my shorts and grabbed the last of the smoothie that I'd poured into a fresh glass, taking a gulp or two. "I'm done with the shower, if you want it."

I had places to be and things to do, but if Nessie thought I was just going to leave her here looking like that and skip off to the shower by myself, she was insane.

"Okay." I walked to her and wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her against my body. "I'll get to it in a minute."

Or two. Or three. Or five.

I ran my hands over her damp shoulders, down over her back. I would never bitch about those towels being too small again. God, this day was gonna be hell.

"I'm gonna miss you today, Ness." No need to keep it from her. She should know what being away from her did to me - she'd shown me, after all.

I needed a little Nessie-time before I had to go off and face this shit, and I hadn't gotten any this morning. Not _quality_ Nessie time. And quality Nessie time was best spent when I wasn't hunched over.

So just as Nessie opened her mouth to say something back, I lifted her up and sat her on the counter. That way I could stand between her legs. Perfect.

I pressed our foreheads together so I could feel her breath across my mouth. "I'm gonna miss you a lot."

"Well . . . " Nessie walked her fingers down my chest, acting like she was thinking. "Why don't I give you something to remember me by?"

I couldn't even say please before she had her mouth on mine. I pulled Nessie closer to the edge of the counter so our bodies were touching and Nessie wrapped her arms around my neck. I slipped my tongue between Nessie's lips and she arched her body into mine.

Yes. Mmm.

I ran my hand up her waist and to her barely-covered breast, squeezing gently and making Nessie's fingers slide up to my hair. I ran my thumb across her nipple and the mewled into my mouth.

Damn, this towel was holding well.

No. Bad Jake.

I had to go be stuck inside a bunch of guys - and Leah's - heads. No way any of them were getting a glimpse of any of this.

"We have to stop now." I don't want to, though. I swear I don't, baby. "Or I'm not going to be able to keep my mind off you when I'm phased and then I'll have to kill my pack."

I'm guessing Nessie had forgotten about the pack mind, because her face flushed red again.

"Oh, please try, Jake." Her eyes were so wide - poor baby. Nessie didn't want anyone else seeing her either. "Don't think about any of it if you can help it."

"I won't, Nessie," I promised. And I wouldn't. "But I should still probably put you down now."

I had to have a serious meeting and that really wouldn't go over too well if I was too turned on to focus on anything else. I tried to smile and Nessie nodded, so I kissed her one last time and got ready to pull her down.

"Jacob?" She asked just before I did.

"Mm?"

"I'm feeling much better today."

It wasn't just the words. It was the way she said it . . . what I knew she meant. She was feeling much better.

"Are you?"

"Mmhm." She leaned in and brushed her soft lips across mine. God. "Come home early if you can, all right?"

Hand to God, if it were anything but the well being of Nessie, my reason for life, I would have blown it off right then.

It was an invitation. Nessie . . . wanted me, again, and I wanted to give myself to her so, so bad.

I would definitely come home early. I had things to do - things that couldn't be rushed - but I wouldn't waste a second in getting done to come home to her.

"All - all right, Ness."

"I'm going to miss you too, you know," Nessie said as I pulled her down. I tried to keep her from brushing against my raging hard on, but she did anyway. "I can't wait for tonight."

God. Oh, _God_, me neither, Ness.

I just groaned. "You're not making my job any easier, Nessie."

"Sorry." Then she gave her tiny little grin, and the next thing I felt was a smack to my ass as Nessie ducked out of my arms. "Now get to the shower, Jake, before I break your willpower for good."

I growled in surprise and grabbed for her, but she hopped out of the way and ran back towards our room, laughing.

I just stood there for a second, stuck. It was unfair that things had to be so, so perfect - right before I knew I was inches away from losing it all. But I had it now, and tonight - tonight I'd have my Nessie again.

Two days gone and counting. I still had twelve more and I didn't intend to miss another second of them.

* * *

**Coming up:**

Correction: my sister that he was making out with, inches from my face.

I cleared my throat.

"Um, Rach, you mind not doing that?" I leaned back toward the door, so I was as far away from her and Paul's connected faces as possible. "It's kinda like, gonna make me lose my breakfast."

"Oh, come on, Jake, you're a big boy now. All grown up and married - you know what it's like to kiss a girl."

Then she actually leaned in from her place in the back seat and kissed _my _cheek. With her lips. That had just been all over Paul.

God, I was gonna get a disease. Retardation or something. Rachel had probably built up a tolerance by now, but I would get it for sure.

"Um, yeah, but we don't do it inches from other people's faces, if it's any of your business." I reached up and wiped my face. "And could you not kiss me after you just sucked face with Paul? I mean, come on, Rach."


	53. Want a Soda?

**_A/N:_** Hello, I'm back bearing chapters and news! Here's a completely fresh chapter, starring your favorite pack. I know a lot of you have been waiting, and now you get to see the little back and to as well as Alpha!Jake which is always awesome. Ahem. :)

News: I've been nominated for a **Shimmer Award**! Yes! I don't know which of you lovely ladies did it, but I'd be honored if you let me know so I could thank you properly! I was nominated for _Best Romance _for _Hands on Me_, and what I'm slightly more honored by, _Best Review Replier_.

I really, really do try very hard to answer each and every one of your reviews, and I always have since my return from Libya and to regular DSL. :) So it's really great to see that appreciated, because I appreciate you all dearly!

I don't know if any of you remember, but I was nominated for_ Best Review Replier _for another award site a while back,** The Golden Chocolate Awards**. I have to say I'm a little disappointed in them, because I never received any information on when voting would take place and regularly checked the site, which wasn't updated for awhile. So I finally stopped checking, and then I went back a few days ago to find out the awards were over!

Bah, just my luck, I guess. But I would have loved to have let you all know so you could have supported me! :)

Anyway, voting for the **Shimmer Awards** doesn't start until the 27th, but I'll go ahead and give you the link so you can check it out: _**shimmerawards(dot)webs(dot)com**_

**_Disclaimer:_** I own nothing, except awesome banners which I think I have yet to mention! Crazy me! Go on over to my profile to check out my crazy awesome banners made by the kick-ass **artbeatsandlife**! Gotta love her!

* * *

Want a Soda? (Just a Warning, Say No)

* * *

_i'm worst at what i do best  
and for this gift, i feel blessed  
our little group has always been  
and always will until the end_

_- nirvana, smells like teen spirit_

_-_

"Rachel's gonna be here in a second," I told Nessie, walking up to where she was leaning against the wall, looking nervous for reason. She was messing with her wedding ring, which reminded me of something pretty sucky. "I think she was halfway out the door before we even hung up - I could hear Paul complaining in the background."

Nessie gave a small smile, but she looked distracted. I reached out and took her left hand, the one with the ring on it that she kept messing with, and held it in mine. I smiled when I caught sight of the bracelet I gave her on her wrist.

She looked so fucking beautiful today. Not that she didn't every day, but . . . I'd never seen her the way she was dressed now. All grown up. She had on some kind of white pants that made her ass look amazing and this blue and white t-shirt, sweater thing. And, as I'd found out at the house, some kind of pomegranate-tasting lip shit.

She was wearing the same shoes from our wedding too, so she was up a little higher than usual. Was, because she'd ditched those the second we walked in the door.

She still didn't say anything, so I just started playing with her fingers a little, trying to work up to what I wanted to say.

"You wanna do something for me?" I finally settled on saying. I really hoped Nessie wouldn't be upset by this - I mean, I kinda was. I hadn't even though of it until a few minutes ago.

Nessie just looked up, eyes wide, and nodded.

"Yes, of course, Jacob, what do you . . . "

Nessie trailed off as she watched me reach down and reluctantly pull my wedding ring off my finger. I'd only been wearing it less than two days, but I didn't want to take it off. It felt like it belonged there. I mean, I never wanted Nessie to take off hers.

But well, when you exploded into a giant wolf on a regular basis, the laws of physics just didn't shift around you.

"Can you keep this for me?"

"K-keep it?" I didn't want to look at Nessie's eyes, because I knew they would look hurt. I just hoped she would understand. "But - why can't you . . . "

I looked up, and I was right, they did.

"I can't wear it when I phase," I explained, and Nessie's face softened a little when she got it. "I'll break the ring, and probably my finger too, so . . . "

"Oh." She reached out and took the ring from me, closing it tight in her small hand. "Of course. I'll keep it safe for you, Jake."

"Thank you, honey." I reached up and cupped her face gently, just to touch her, as I heard an engine approach. "They're here."

Nessie nodded and took a deep breath like she was getting ready for something big. She kept my ring tight in her hand, not sticking it in her pocket or anything. I'd have to get her a chain for it so she could wear it around her neck or something and not tote it around all day.

I walked to the door to meet Rach, assuming Nessie was behind me. By the time I realized she wasn't, I didn't have time to call her up, because Rachel was already pulling the huge, partially-glass door open.

"Jacob!" And then I was being squeezed in a Rachel hug. I had no idea how after gaining around a hundred pounds and growing about a foot, Rachel still was able to squeeze the breath near out of me with her hugs. "Oh my God, Jacob, you're insane! I can't believe you didn't call, or - or - I was worried to death!"

I hugged her back, rubbing my hands up and down her shoulders and trying to get her to calm down. It really did feel good to hug her again after so long, actually, probably really long because it wasn't like I hugged her much when I was home either.

"I'm here now, Rach, and you know it wasn't just a joyride - I had a good reason this time."

"I know that." I felt a wetness against my chest and braced myself. I watched Paul come through the door from over Rachel's shoulder. He looked kind of uncomfortable, but he nodded at me and then just kind of hung around the doorway. "But - I just missed you so much, and I didn't _know . . . _ and then _Dad_ . . . "

I did _not_ want to talk about this now. And I wasn't. I didn't have time to deal with all of this baggage - I had a war to plan and a soulmate to protect. I could mourn later, alone.

"I know, Rach, I know." I wasn't a complete asshole, though, I wanted to make sure my sister was all right. I just wasn't discussing it now. There were other, much, _much_ more happy things to talk about. "But . . . listen, I've got something to tell you. Some good news."

"Yeah?" She pulled back and swiped at her eyes, and I was glad when it looked like no more fresh tears were coming up. "What, you're not running off again?"

"Well . . . no." Because I was. Soon too. "Me and . . . um, me and Nessie. We're married."

Probably could have led up to that better, but . . .

"Married?"

Rachel's eyes were wide, and Paul's were too actually. Behind me, I heard Nessie's heart speed up.

Yeah, I definitely could have led up to that better.

I knew it was a shock. When we left three months ago, Nessie was just my best buddy. My best buddy that I was harboring unbearable love and lust for, but still just best buddies. Now . . . we were married.

I get that that's a lot to sink in. It was kind of fast, even to us, but in the best possible way.

I watched Rachel's eyes move away from me to something around my shoulder. Nessie's heart sped up again and I knew what it was.

The next thing I knew, Rachel had run to her and wrapped her in her arms. Poor Nessie, even being half-vamp, Rachel hugs meant business. Nessie hugged her back, one fist clenched around my ring and the other running across Rachel's shoulders.

"Oh, congratulations, Nessie." No congratulations, Jacob? Hello, your brother you were so goddamn worried about over here. But in all seriousness, it was good to see the two of them so close together like that. My wife and my sister. "You don't know - he loves you so much, Nessie - you've made him so happy. Thank you."

Way to go to rat a brother out, Rach, but Nessie already knew all of that, so I wasn't pissed.

Nessie looked a little overwhelmed - Rachel could do that to you, and I don't think Nessie had seen this side of her before. But she just kept her arms around her and I heard her whisper, "I love him too."

I'd never heard her say it to anyone else besides me before - that she loved me. It was . . . good.

After Rachel let her go, asking questions a mile a minute, I cut her off as polite as I could. I told her I'd answer as many of her nosy questions as I could on the way back to La Push - which wasn't very polite looking back on it, but that was how we talked to each other. She was used to it now.

I settled for a hug and a kiss to the top of Nessie's sweet hair instead of her lips, since Rachel and Paul were right behind us. The vamps had very nicely wandered off to give us a minute before we separated, so I knew it would be mean to keep Nessie too long. They hadn't seen her in forever, I had to remember that. I just wanted to have her all the time.

Nessie hugged me tight and told me to be careful, like I was leaving for the war already and not just going to meet the guys. And she told me to say hello to my brothers, which was awesome, because I loved it when she called them that.

I told her to make sure she had fun with her family and that I'd be home as soon as I could. And that I loved her, of course.

I hated to leave Ness looking sad, but she tried to smile for me and so I smiled back. Bells came from out of the kitchen as we were walking out and wrapped Nessie in a hug so I knew she was all right - they'd take care of her.

"Let us know," she called behind me as we were almost out.

"Will do." I'd already had a short conversation with Edward when we first got here just to make sure we were all on the same page. We were. "See you later, Ness - Bells."

Swear to God, Rachel's mouth didn't stop until we pulled up at Paul's place.

Where was the wedding? Why weren't they invited? How come we were getting married so soon? How long had we been . . . together? You know, like that? Had we caught the bloodsucker? What kind of dress did Nessie wear? Didn't Nessie just look so grown up now? So pretty!

At the Cullen's house. Because there wasn't really time. Because we love each other. About two months, nosy. Yep. A white one. Of course she did. Duh, Rach.

"All right, sweetness, we'll probably be gone a while, but I'll come home as soon as I'm done."

I just rolled my eyes. Sweetness. God, Paul. That _was _my sister he was talking about.

Correction: my sister that he was making out with, inches from my face.

I cleared my throat.

"Um, Rach, you mind not doing that?" I leaned back toward the door, so I was as far away from her and Paul's connected faces as possible. "It's kinda like, gonna make me lose my breakfast."

"Oh, come on, Jake, you're a big boy now. All grown up and married - you know what it's like to kiss a girl."

Then she actually leaned in from her place in the back seat and kissed _my _cheek. With her lips. That had just been all over Paul.

God, I was gonna get a disease. Retardation or something. Rachel had probably built up a tolerance by now, but I would get it for sure.

"Um, yeah, but we don't do it inches from other people's faces, if it's any of your business." I reached out and wiped my face. "And could you not kiss me after you just sucked face with Paul? I mean, come on, Rach."

"Love you, baby brother," she said, and the bounded out of the car. Guess she wasn't too sad about parting now. She'd seen me and fussed at me and now she was good.

"Sorry," Paul said as he started the engine, watching like a good imprint to make sure Rachel was all the way in the house before he shifted gears. "But I'm not gonna see her all day, y'know. Well, you know." He looked at me kinda weird. "You're not gonna see . . . Nessie either - I'm surprised you didn't lay one on her. You _are_ married now, right?"

"Yes, we're married. But we don't do shit like that in front of people," I snapped. Eight years later, and I still didn't have much tolerance for Paul. I'd gotten better, but better was all it'd get. "And if you could _not _ talk about Nessie like that, thanks."

"Whatever." Paul rolled his eyes and I thought about breaking his nose for a second. You know, for old times' sake. Being away from Nessie was making me cranky and it hadn't been half an hour. "By the way, dude, you've got lipstick on your face."

"Yeah, well, you've got it on your teeth," I shot back, not worrying about whether he really did or not and yanking down his stupid mirror to make sure I was getting it all off.

Hope I broke the damn thing. Rachel and her lipstick.

We swung by the Clearwater's since it was closest, and Paul laid on the horn like a jackass. I wondered how Sue and Charlie were doing . . . if we made it through all of this shit alive, I was definitely going to have to go with Nessie to see them.

Leah swung the door open like she was looking for a fight, but she turned a little less confrontational when she saw us. She just leaned against the doorframe, rolling her eyes, and waved.

Seth looked around her shoulder and then shoved past her to jog towards the car. I reckoned I'd better get out and see the kid since I didn't technically hate him anymore. There was still a little twinge, a little left over bitterness, but I pushed it away as stupid. Nessie was my _wife _now.

I got out about the same time he got to the car, and he held his arms out so I hugged him. He was a sweet kid. And he'd helped me a lot with the whole Billy thing. I owed him.

"Good to have you back, bro," he said, half-laughing after the customary dude beat on the back. "Rachel said she figured you were back, but that you said to stay clear of your house and all and we'd see you soon."

Yeah, that was Rachel. Relay the entire conversation.

"Come on in, man, you hungry?" Seth said, jerking his head towards the house. "What's the hold up? Rachel came bye with all of that like two days ago."

"The hold up is that your Alpha got hitched!"

Paul.

I swear, if I was an asshole, I'd claim my right as Alpha over Sam just to get Paul into my pack and do horrible things to him. He hadn't gotten _any_ less annoying in eight years.

"Are you serious, man?" Seth asked, at the same time Leah laughed out loud from the doorway. "You and - you and Nessie?"

"Nah, him and Bella - man, who else?"

I felt a growl start in my throat and I leaned down and shot Paul a look through the window. He rolled his eyes, but his hot-shot expression faded a little. That was right - Nessie was my wife and I wasn't having anyone mocking that.

"Well, wow, man, that - congratulations." I accepted another hug from Seth, thinking about leaning back against the side of Paul's car a _little_ too hard. "Listen - you should definitely come inside now! Why didn't you bring Nessie with you?"

"Thanks, Seth, and we really can't." I looked over Seth's shoulder to see Leah walking towards us. "I actually need you guys to come with me - we need to hunt down Quil and Embry too. And Sam's pack actually, there's something we need to talk about."

"I knew you'd end up getting married fast as hell." I shot a warning look at Leah. I swear to God, if she said a word about our conversation . . . "Is that why Rachel came over here on a hunt for sunflowers? Miss Nessie need a bouquet for the nuptials?"

Seth stepped back and threw his shoulder into hers, mumbling at her to shut up. I ignored it though - that was Leah. She was being less annoying than Paul, and I was ready to hug her for that alone.

"Yeah, something like that." I leaned back against the car hard anyway. It lurched and Paul cussed. "You know where everybody's at?"

"Probably." Seth stuck his hands in his pockets and Leah shifted all her weight onto one leg. Werewolf or not, apparently all women did that. It was only hot on Nessie though. "I mean, it's not like they'll be hard to track down. What d'you need to talk with all of Sam's side for?"

Yeah, I guess that'd be weird. I'd want to see everybody, for sure, but Sam would probably be the only one outside my pack that I'd search out to talk to. Well, things were pretty fucking weird right now, and we needed all the help we could get.

"It's a - pretty long story, Seth." Paul beeped the horn and Leah kicked his tire. See - Leah actually got _less_ annoying as time went on. "We just need to - you know what? Shit." Phasing would do no good with Sam's side anyway, because there'd be no communication. We'd have to meet human. "We need to get everybody in the same place - is here good?"

"Yeah, nobody's here now that Mom's living in Forks with Charlie." Yeah, so here was probably the best place after all. "Nobody's ever here but us."

"And Natalie about half the time."

"You're just mad because she's prettier than you, Leah."

Burn. That's what you get for messing with somebody's imprint. But by the look on Leah's face, it didn't sting that much.

"Yeah, I always wanted freckles," she scoffed. "They'd go real good with my skin tone."

Seth stiffened up - which I'd actually never seen him do before - so I reached out and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Calm down, Seth. And shut up, Leah." I beat the roof of Paul's car . . . to get his attention. No other reason than that. "Paul, get out of the car. Or you can sit in there if you want, whatever. Let's go inside and start trying to track everybody down."

We went, Paul following us, and Seth immediately started calling people. Leah actually threw a can of soda at my head, which would be considered a sign of aggression in normal human beings but was actually generosity in Leah-language. She was giving me a drink.

I think she purposely missed. Paul was looking the other way and he wasn't so lucky.

Seth's calls went pretty much like this: "Hey - yeah. It's Seth. Jake's back, man, and he needs everyone over here pronto. Yeah, my house. Bring who you can and hurry."

Sometimes he'd ask where somebody was, but that was the main gist of it. He got a hold of Sam easy enough, since Emily I learned had gave birth to the twins like a month ago, early but okay.

"Named them Katie and Dylan," Leah said, her face actually softening a little bit. "They're both cute as hell, but Dylan cries too damn much for me to do anything with him."

Jared was easy too, at home with his imprint. Quil and Embry shared a small, crazy-looking apartment and it was too early for either one of them to be anywhere unless they had patrol.

So I just sat back and waited. I wasn't sure how to explain all of this shit, or how it would be received. I hoped well, because . . . well, I didn't like to be the asshole, but I would be if I had to.

Everybody was fighting. No questions.

It hadn't escaped me that Sam had the larger pack, and they were under his control. But if he tried to fight me on this, I _would_ claim my right as Alpha and overrule him.

I didn't want to take anyone's will away, I didn't want to take the responsibility of all of the wolves, but I would if that was what I had to do to assure Nessie's safety.

Quil and Embry got here first, even though they lived farther away from the rest.

"Which couch did you leave her on? I swear to God, Embry, if another random girl pukes in my room, you're gonna have to start renting hotel rooms for them!"

"She'll be _fine._ She doesn't even know I'm gone - Jake!"

I just stood up and held my arms out. Embry had to be a show-off and try and snatch me off my feet so I knocked him in the back of the head. Quil hugged me next, much more normally, rolling his eyes.

"Where the hell you been, man?" Embry asked loudly, and I swear I could _hear_ Paul's mouth opening, but even my werewolf reflexes weren't that fast. "You kill the vamper?"

"No, he's been getting married!"

"No shit, man?" Embry's eyes were wide as hell. I liked that look. They knew I was lucky as fuck. "You and Nessie?"

"If you make that joke again - " I warned, turning back around to Paul on the couch, but he just raised his hands like he hadn't done anything. I turned back around to Quil and Embry. "Yup."

"Well - congratulations!" I took the second hug from both Quil and Embry. Apparently you were supposed to hug people who just got married. "You've officially married out of your league."

I laughed a little and punched Embry's arm. "Don't I know it."

"So what've you been up to besides . . . the obvious?" I spared Embry another punch because he was actually trying to censor himself. "What's been going on?"

"Too much to even explain. We'd better wait for everyone else." I turned back around to Paul as I heard an engine approach. "And you, keep your mouth shut."

It was Jared and Robert. Robert had been patrolling, so Jared swung by and got him. Thankfully, Paul obeyed me even though I wasn't his Alpha and kept his mouth shut about me getting married. This was some pretty heavy shit I had to be thinking about and it would just be easier to make a blanket announcement than have to have the "You - you and Nessie?" conversation fifty times.

Don't get me wrong, I was fucking ecstatic - and if it were any other time, I'd grab Nessie and go wandering around La Push, telling people one by one. But this wasn't any other time - there were actually more important things to talk about.

Nessie's _life_.

Everybody kind of got in around the same time after that, Sam coming in close last. I could tell just by the set of his shoulders that he guessed something wasn't cool, and I tried to prepare myself for all of his possible reactions.

I hugged him too. He handed me a basket full of muffins and said Emily sent her love. I thanked him, set them down on the table, and that was the end of that basket. I watched the wolves descend.

Sam just went and sat down. I was suddenly standing in the front of the room, and everybody was looking at me, waiting for me to start.

Okay. Alpha-mode, Jake.

I stood up straighter, squared my shoulders. Normal wolf posture - asserting dominance. If you didn't believe in yourself then your pack wouldn't believe in you.

"Okay." The little bit of talking that had been going on stopped. "I've got . . . a lot to say, and not much time to say it, considering there's probably going to be a lot of discussion so I'm gonna start now."

Best start off with the good news, let everyone in on that before Paul pitched his bitch fit about not getting to tell everybody.

"I'm going to go ahead and announce this now so everyone knows before we get down to business - Nessie and I were married two days ago."

There was an immediate hooping and hollering and stamping of feet that was hard not to smile at. The sound was deafening. A bunch of voices drowned together, but as everybody calmed down, one stood out.

"Why so soon, man?" It was John. "She's not pregnant or something, is she?"

I couldn't hold the growl that tore from my lips at that. How dare he? Not only question my motives, but imply - ? I may not be _his_ Alpha, but I most certainly was an Alpha and he _would _respect me and my mate.

His posture immediately took on a more submissive stance when he saw my face. He ducked his head. Submission.

"Hey, Jacob, I didn't mean anything by it - never mind."

I never considered that people would think that, especially not my pack who would really be the only people to know. But I decided to overlook it. By the look on John's face, he hadn't meant any harm and really was sorry.

"Hey, John, want a soda?"

I wondered if I was the only one who heard the threat in Leah's tone. See? Less annoying.

"Say no, man." Apparently Paul did. I tried not to laugh. "Say no."

"All right - enough!" Everything immediately went silent again. I ran my eyes over everyone before I locked eyes with Sam. "The only reason I told you all that was to get it out of the way so it wouldn't be a distraction later. As most of you know, Nessie and me have been on the run from the tracker those Italian leeches sent after her."

I saw a couple of people's mouths open like they had questions - I'm sure they did - but they decided against asking them. Good. They'd all get answered if they'd just give me a minute.

"The Cullens finally caught him, and we've got him held captive."

"How do you even hold a bloodsucker captive?"

I could tell from Leah's tone that she wasn't being a smart-ass. She was actually confused.

I fixed my eyes on her. "You tear him apart and burn some of the pieces, Leah."

She smiled, a little.

"_Why_ are you keeping the leech captive?" Paul. Damn it. I knew it was too good to be true - he'd been quiet for too long. "Why didn't you just burn the bastard?"

There was a murmur that said pretty much everybody agreed with him.

They wanted to be smart asses? Did they think I was some sort of vampirist, leech lover now? That I was all about forgiveness, let go and and let love? Did they not realize that if I was keeping the bastard that endangered the life of _my wife_ alive then there was a pretty good goddamn reason for it?

Well, if they didn't, then they didn't get the warm-up that was going to lead them into it. They were big boys. They'd get it straight.

"Because there's going to be another war."

Complete silence.

Now were they gonna fucking listen?

* * *

**Coming up:**

"Home?" Leah scoffed and propped her feet up on the table "You call the Vamp House of Horrors home now?"

I was actually referring to my house, getting Nessie and getting back there, but I didn't have to explain a damn thing to her. "Bite me, Leah."

"No thanks. Get Nessie to do it for you."

I stopped at the door, a growl in my throat.

"Sorry, sorry!" She held her hands up, looking a little like Paul which didn't help her case. "It's a reflex. You know my brain doesn't discriminate between imprints and regular people."

"Well, it better learn to." I nodded to Seth, who was still messing with his hair in the mirror. "Night."


	54. Topping From the Bottom

**_A/N:_** Hello, hello! I had things to say, but now I've forgotten them all. Yes, yes, I know. I always do this.

Hm, well, about the chapter - it's pretty straightforward. I think it's got a lot of humor so that's good, because things as you know will be moving onto a more serious tone soon.

Also, something I'd like to announce - again: **_I have banners!_** Yes, some very lovely ladies have made me banners, for _Hands on Me_, _Undeniable_, and _The Sweetest Girl_ which you can find the links to on my profile! There's also some cover art for some of my fics, including A Tale Told in Kisses. You can tell which weren't done by me by the distinct presence of quality.

So I want to give a shout out to **artsbeatsandlife** and** Kate**, who made my banners, and **Zombie's Run This Town** who did some cover art for me. I also have a banner/poster by the lovely **Diamond_Black** that will be posted soon. I love these girls!

So check them out and let me know what you think!

**_Disclaimer:_** I own nothing, not even the chapter title. Say thank you to Katie for that one - s'not the first time she's save my butt. :)

* * *

Topping From the Bottom

* * *

_and though i'll never forget your face  
sometimes i can't remember my name_

_- counting crows, mrs. potter's lullaby_

_-_

By the time everybody left, I was exhausted. Not in the about-to-fall-asleep kind of way, but in the I-just-really-need-to-get-home-and-eat-and-kiss-my-wife-and-maybe-make-love-to-her-again-if-she's-up-to-it kind of way.

It was almost dark by the time we got everything settled. Quil and Embry were the last to leave besides Sam, and well, Leah and Seth . . . who lived here. Seth actually was getting ready to go as Embry and Quil were, changing his shirt and messing with his hair and looking all over for his keys.

"Natalie," Leah explained, rolling her eyes, but she didn't have to. I could have guessed.

All the imprinted guys were probably wanting to be with their girls now. I know I sure did.

"Damn it, it's too late for me to go see Claire, isn't it?" Quil clenched his fists as his eye caught the clock. He turned to Sam. "Can you see if Emily can get her to come over to your place tomorrow?"

Sam promised he'd try. He was in a hurry to get home too. He not only had a wife, but two babies waiting for him at home. I wonder how that would feel, to have a child. Something that the woman you loved more than life itself grew inside of her for the two of you to raise together.

No use getting into any of that now, though, when it might never happen.

Leah threw herself down on the couch and turned on the TV, saying something about if we expected her up at the vamp clan's house that early in the morning, we needed to get out of her house so she could sleep. Nine wasn't exactly that early, but that was Leah.

Embry and Quil started back in on the same vein they were on when they came in as they left.

"Now which couch did you leave her on again - the ugly yellow one, right?"

"No . . . it was the blue one I think."

"The good one? Damn it, Embry!"

"What in the hell did you want me to do? You came busting in the room, hollering about 'Jake's back, we gotta get to Seth's'. Was I supposed to give her a shower and drive her home? She'll be gone by now anyway."

"You're cleaning up the mess."

"How do you even know there's a mess?"

"There's _always_ a mess."

One of them punched the other, because there was a curse and then silence.

I turned to Sam, who was rolling his eyes. "I'm actually glad you have them now."

He thought I had it bad? "Yeah, but you get Paul."

Sam opened his mouth, but was cut off by Leah, flipping channels on the couch behind him. "I'm gonna go ahead and stop you while you're ahead - if either one of you mention my name at all in this conversation, there will be consequences."

Sam controlled his face well, but I think her name had been on the tip of his tongue. Ah, well. We all slip up.

"All right." You know that kind of 'all right' right when you're about to leave? Yeah, that one. "I'm gonna head home. I'll see you tomorrow at nine."

"You need a ride?" Sam asked, and I shook my head. I needed to phase anyway, and running was faster. "All right, I'll see you in the morning then."

"Home?" Leah scoffed and propped her feet up on the table "You call the Vamp House of Horrors home now?"

I was actually referring to my house, getting Nessie and getting back there, but I didn't have to explain a damn thing to her. "Bite me, Leah."

"No thanks. Get Nessie to do it for you."

I stopped at the door, a growl in my throat.

"Sorry, sorry!" She held her hands up, looking a little like Paul which didn't help her case. "It's a reflex. You know my brain doesn't discriminate between imprints and regular people."

"Well, it better learn to." I nodded to Seth, who was still messing with his hair in the mirror. "Night."

Seth called back out and Leah mumbled something that was probably rude at my back, but I didn't really care. Now all I had to do was get back to the - what did Leah call it? - the Vamp House of Horrors, fill the Cullens in, and me and Nessie were home free.

Thank God that in Fork and La Push you were never less than fifty yards away from some woods. I jogged to the trees at the back of the Clearwater house and stripped off.

I didn't have my damn leg band, so I'd have to hold my shit in my mouth. Ugh. Well, either way, it got me home sooner. I swallowed a couple of times to try and dry my mouth out as I rolled my shirt and shoes up into my jeans.

I stood back up and let the change rush over me. Everyone else from my pack was either still on their way home or in the house behind me. Silence.

I tossed my head and then leaned down and scooped my clothes up with my jaws. They fit, easily, I just had to try and keep my slobber under control. I did my best to hold them with my teeth, so my tongue didn't touch them at all. Didn't want to go back to Nessie looking crazy.

I still ran fast as hell though. I was at the Cullen's clearing in five minutes, and there she was.

I dropped my clothes to the ground and phased back, my eyes still stuck on Nessie. It was like that night after I thought I'd ruined everything, right before the wedding when I tried to come over to see her and Edward wouldn't let me. And I had to watch her from the window.

She was just sitting there, leaning back into Bella's arms. I could see her easily from the lights in the house being turned on, and I watched her hula-hoop my ring down her finger. Had she set it down the entire day?

But this wasn't like that time. There wasn't anything or anyone in the world that could stop me from getting to Nessie now. Not only from seeing her, but from sweeping her up into my arms and carrying her home. To our home.

God, she was so beautiful. I hadn't realized how much I had missed her until I was seeing her in front of me.

I snatched on my jeans and walked into my shoes as I was half-running across the lawn. I was still pulling my shirt over my head as I walked through the door. The first thing I saw after face cleared my neckline was Nessie.

She hopped up off of the couch and ran to me, jumping into my held out arms. Damn. We hadn't done this in a while. I buried my face in Nessie's neck and she pressed her face into mine. Having her in my arms again after so long was heaven.

"I missed you," she whispered against my skin.

"I missed you too, honey." You don't even know. I shifted my face the smallest bit so I could lay a small kiss to her neck. Subtle. "How was your day?"

"It was fine," Nessie said once I sat her down. She dragged me towards the living room and I barely had time to wave and say hey to Bella before she pulled me down on the couch next to her. "I hung out with whoever was free all day. I learned how to cook some new stuff - it was fun."

I was glad Nessie's day was good, because mine was pretty shitty. Only because I was away from her though; I was actually happy with the headway I'd made. Things went smoother than I'd hoped.

And now that I didn't have anything else to worry about at this particular minute - and Nessie mentioned not only food, but _her _food - I realized I was damn hungry. Well, my stomach did. It growled loud.

"Hungry?" Nessie asked in that sweet way she always did.

She looked like she was going to reach forward and put her hand on my stomach like she usually did whenever it growled, but she stopped herself. We both had to get used to not being alone anymore.

"Yeah." I was suddenly tired too. It was like I had completed my mission - assured the subject's safety, got back to my reason for life. My body had no more reason to keep going. "I haven't ate since this morning."

"I've already packed up the stuff for supper." Nessie's hand, small and soft, rested on my arm. "But I can get it." Sounds good. "Do you want to eat here or can you wait until we get home?"

Home.

A million images were suddenly hurtling through my brain of all the things that could happen at home. Good, good things. I remembered Nessie's . . . invitation this morning.

"Nah, nah, I can wait." I forced myself back to my feet - I had a little more business to deal with and then Nessie was mine and we were going home. "I have to go talk to - to everybody about today, but that shouldn't take more than five minutes and we can go, all right?"

Bells stood up to go with me and Nessie stood up too.

"I'll get everything together." I hoped Bells still had her shield up, because I knew Edward was busy and all, but my thoughts were loud and clear as I watched Nessie's hips sway towards the kitchen. "Call me when you're ready."

I just smiled when she looked at me from over her shoulder - there was no way she knew how much I liked that - and then followed Bella up the stairs.

Everybody was all huddled in the Doc's study. Even though the reason I was here was all serious, I couldn't help but smile a little as I walked into the room and remembered how Nessie had looked coming through these same doors.

I actually experienced this little stab of nervousness this morning on our way here. I mean, everybody pretty much would as good as know Nessie and I had sex. Not that I was ashamed of it, but it was just something pretty private and probably something Nessie was worried about. Actually, something I knew she was worried about, by the way she held my hand tight and turned the slightest bit pink before we walked in the door.

Everything was good though. Nobody treated us any different, and besides a pretty meaningful look from the Doc and a nod from me back at him, there was no discussion on the subject. I just knew he wanted to know if everything went all right and Nessie wasn't at risk.

Damn it, there I go with the baby thoughts again.

I mean, I'd considered it occasionally, especially when Nessie agreed to marry me and it all became a real possibility, but it had never been like this. Was it because Nessie had made it clear that she wanted children? With me?

God, that was just the sexiest, most . . . beautiful thing ever.

But was that my desperate need to give her everything she wanted? Or was it something else? The fact that in a couple of weeks that might not be a possibility anymore? That I might no be alive to make one or raise or or any of the rest of it?

Shit, I couldn't be thinking about this now. I shook my head to clear it out and then shook it again to refuse the seat Edward offered me.

"How did the meeting with the wolves go?"

"It was fine. Good." Besides Leah finally getting Paul in the nose with a can of soda and then yelling at him for bleeding on her couch. He really should have been paying closer attention after the first time. "Everybody's filled in and on board. Not that they would have a choice otherwise. But we've got Sam's support so I won't have to . . . do anything too drastic. "

"That's good, that's good," Edward said, looking like he was thinking hard.

"We need to discuss battle tactics." Prozac announced, finally looking up from what looked like a huge map. "We need to strategize and organize."

"They'll be here tomorrow morning at nine," I said to the general room. Bella was standing in Edward's arm and they were doing that fast vampy whispering thing. Everyone was gathered around the table and Jasper though. "So we can talk about it then. Do drills, whatever."

"Good." Prozac again. Apparently the reins had been handed over to him. I didn't mind - he knew his shit, and that's what we needed. "Alice has been trying all day to see around things, but you know how that is."

I knew. Like trying to see around a cement wall.

"Okay, well, Nessie and I will be back here in the morning in time to meet the pack." But now, we're leaving. "It's been a long day, and I assume there's nothing else I can really do here."

"Not really," Edward cut in. "It's just that none of us need sleep, and there's no such thing as being too careful. You, on the other hand, do need sleep - and so does Nessie."

He was right about that.

"And you're making my head hurt!" My eyes shot over to the little pixie, curled up in a chair in the corner, her head on her knees. "Trying to see around your murky wolf self is hard enough, but with you standing here . . . "

"Don't worry about it, I'm leaving." I didn't want her head hurting - I wanted that little thing on all cylinders, searching for a solution. And I didn't want to be here. "I'll see you in the morning, first thing."

"Tell Renesmee we said goodbye," Momma Vamp said, and everybody except Jasper and Alice chipped in with the same. The other two were two deep inside their own heads.

I nodded to let them know that I would before I left, going down the stairs two at a time. Nessie was in the kitchen, stacking two big tupperware containers onto the counter. Food.

Food and Nessie. God, I needed to get home.

"You ready, Ness?"

"Yes." I walked over to where she was and tried to pick up the food to carry it for her, but she grabbed my hand. My left hand. "But I want to do this first."

Then, just like on our wedding day, Nessie slid my ring back onto my finger. Sounds girly as shit, but it felt good.

"Thanks." I flexed my hand, feeling it on my hand again. Nessie's mark. "I'd been missing that."

Nessie just smiled, letting me take up the food this time when I tried and taking my hand when I held it out.

"Everybody said to tell you bye," I remembered to tell her as we headed out, and Nessie nodded.

I opened Nessie's door for her and helped her inside, handing her the food to put in her lap and making sure she was all tucked in before I shut the door. Nessie was quiet the whole time I got in and started the car. Once I got onto the highway, I reached out and wrapped Nessie's hand in mine.

I just needed to touch her. Talking wasn't necessary.

"How was your day?" Nessie asked a little bit later, once we were almost home. "How's everyone from the pack?"

"Everybody's good." I bit back a smile as I remembered Leah calling out Seth for standing in front of the fridge for five minutes before going to see his imprint, like it would mask the heat of his skin. "Seth's trying to figure out how to tell his . . . Natalie about everything." Which was true, Seth had said - or barked, that much at Leah. "He doesn't want to freak her out."

It would suck, to have to explain that kind of thing to somebody who had no idea. Not just somebody, but your reason for life.

I chanced another look over at mine.

"Oh," I said, remembering another bit of news. "Emily had the babies."

"Really?" Nessie did the cutest little excited bounce in her seat. "Oh, a boy and a girl like they said, or what? Is everything okay? When?"

"Um . . . " I took a second to get the questions and their answers straight in my head. "Yes, yes, and about a month ago. In that order."

"Wow."

Nessie just sat back in her seat and grew quiet. I wished really hard for a few seconds that she'd let her concentration slip so I could see inside her mind, what she was thinking.

Was she thinking about babies? And us? Us with babies?

Because damn it, I was, and I couldn't get it out of my mind.

We were home then though, and I had to let go of Nessie's hand to cut off the car, so there went that dream. We got inside and Nessie headed to the kitchen with the food. I went straight for the bathroom - I needed to get into something comfortable immediately, and I left my gym shorts on the bathroom floor this morning.

I changed back into them really quick, not bothering with a shirt - why would I? I was at home with my wife. I threw my dirty clothes into the hamper and headed back into the living room to collapse on the couch.

I don't even remember the last time I sat down.

Nessie called out something from the kitchen, something about chicken and enchiladas it sounded like, but I was so starved by that point it was probably my nutrient-deprived brain hearing things.

"What?"

I fell onto the couch and tried not to groan. God, that felt good.

"I cooked chicken parmesan and enchiladas, so we've got enough for two nights." I wanted to groan again. I loved that girl beyond what I thought was possible. "Which do you want first?"

"Enchiladas!" Mexican food was the only thing that had a hope of filling me up right about now. "D'you want to eat in front of the TV tonight?"

I really didn't want to get up, and the couch was much more comfortable.

"Whatever."

I loved my wife.

I got up anyway, grabbing a hair thing off of the table and pulling my hair back, finally getting it out of my face. I sat down on the floor to scan our small DVD rack, looking for a movie Nessie would like since she was being so sweet. I found one easily, obviously a Rachel addition, and it was only my love for Nessie that made me say it out loud.

"You wanna watch that stupid pirate movie that you like?" A drunk, rotten-toothed pirate that women freaked out over? What was that? I never got why Nessie liked them. "It looks like my sister shares your great taste, 'cause she's got like all three."

"Put the first one in if you don't care."

She obviously overestimated my knowledge of crappy pirate movies. I had watched them all like a dozen times, but that didn't mean I knew a thing about them. There were always much better things to do when we were watching them, like play with Nessie's hair or admire the shape of her body when it was laid out on the couch.

"Like I know which one that is."

"I'll come do it," Nessie called back. "Just let me change my clothes really fast."

Nessie disappeared into _our_ bedroom and was gone for a few minutes. I went ahead and grabbed all three of the stupid cases, which had thankfully been arranged together, to save her some trouble.

I threw them all into the coffee table and collapsed back onto the couch.

Nessie came waltzing in a second later, looking like pure fucking temptation. She didn't even look at me twice as she grabbed whichever movie it was she wanted and walked over to the DVD player.

She had on these tiny, silky-looking blue shorts and a white tank top. I don't know if it was my eyes, but these shorts looked smaller than the ones from yesterday. God, she was so sexy. And when she bent over to see the DVD player . . .

Nessie stood up and tossed me the remote, her cheeks turning pink. Probably from the way my eyes were stripping her, but I couldn't help it. I could probably go without food for another few hours if I could get that body in my lap right now.

"There," she told me as I caught the remote. "By the time it gets through the previews and everything, the food should be done."

On one hand, I wanted the food in front of me, but on the other I was in no hurry for the previews to be over. That would mean it was time for the movie.

Nessie walked a lot slower back to the kitchen, her hips swaying back and forth that way they did. I literally turned around in my seat to watch her go until her lower half disappeared from my sight. Once she was in the kitchen, I could only catch flashes of her bright hair every once in a while.

She wasn't gone a minute and a half before she was back. I sat straight up and groaned out loud as I took her in. It was seriously like a scene out of one of my fucking dreams.

Nessie, half naked, carrying a big plate of food to me. Did she want me to eat or did she just want to be taken on the floor right now?

"Is that a good groan or a bad groan?"

No, I think Nessie wanted it on the floor. What other excuse did she have for looking at me like that?

"Let's see - my girl in tiny shorts bringing me a giant plate of Mexican food?" I looked her over to let her know the food, while fucking amazing, wasn't the best part of this picture. "I'd say it's a pretty damn good groan."

Nessie turned back around and took a few steps back to the kitchen. She stopped to look at me over her shoulder, and it was _so hard_ to keep my eyes on her face.

"Well, dig in, and I'll be there in a second."

My forkful of delicious-smelling enchilada was halfway to my mouth before I thought better of it. It was so hard to put it back down. But no. Nessie and I had been apart all day, and she had fixed this dinner for me so sweetly - I would wait for her.

She wasn't gone long, but it felt like hours. When Nessie finally came back, it was with two cups and a big pitcher of tea. Yes.

I loved my wife. I _loved_ my wife.

"You don't like it?" Shit. I didn't think she'd think of it like that. I did usually wolf down food as soon as it was in front of me. "You want me to heat up the chicken parmesan?"

I was tempted to tell her yeah, but just because I could probably eat both right about now. And it would be fun to watch her walk back to the kitchen.

"I'm waiting for you," I told her instead, reaching out and taking the pitcher from her. She set down the cups so I could fill them up.

"Well, wait no longer." Nessie settled down beside me and handed me my fork, which I had thrown down as a precautionary measure. "I'm here."

Yes, she was. And now this food was going down.

I immediately shoveled a mouthful into my mouth and it was as good as my nose had told me. Damn.

Nessie apparently wasn't that hungry, because she was worrying about getting her movie set up. She put the words up for me though, which was sweet, because I couldn't understand a damn thing that drunk pirate said. And he was British on top of that. That made it practically a different language.

"You know why I hate this movie?" I said around my food, which made it come out sounding weird, but Nessie always understood me. I told her every time, but why break tradition?

"No, Jacob, why?"

I could tell she was humoring me, but I'd take advantage of it.

"Well, the biggest reason," I said after I swallowed. Because there were a few. "Is that you shouldn't have to read when you watch a movie." Yeah, like foreign films. Nessie went through a phase for like a month with those, and then I put my foot down. "If I wanted to read, I'd be reading, _not_ watching a movie."

"First thing," Nessie started in and I kept eating. I already knew what she was going to say - she expected me to understand Old Drunk Pirate Language. "Most people don't have to read - they just pay attention and understand; and there is no book." Well, I wouldn't read it if there was. "It's just a movie."

"Something this annoying and costume-y and British had to be a book first. You just don't know about it."

It only fit the profile.

Nessie, this is stupid.

It's Pride and Prejudice, Jake, it's a classic!

God, Nessie, what are you making me watch?

It's The Count of Monte Cristo, Jacob, I love this book.

Nessie, I thought you said this was The Three Musketeers?

It is.

The Three Musketeers has mice in it!

It's not the cartoon one, Jake - it's from the book!

Her and her books.

"They're not British!" Then _why_ do they talk like that? "It's the Caribbean, Jacob!"

"Uh-uh, look!" I pointed my fork at the screen just as the movie made my point. "On the crossing from England!"

I smiled to myself and stuck another forkful of food in my mouth when I saw Nessie's face. It was the face she'd make when I knew she was saying bad words inside her head.

"Whatever, Jacob." Yep, very bad words. "Just concentrate on eating your food before you choke."

That happens _one _time and suddenly Jake's not allowed to eat and talk at the same time anymore.

I listened to her though, since this food was really too good to deny, and kept on eating. I half-watched the movie, but watched Nessie more. The only reason I paid attention to the screen at all was because it was straight in front of me and I liked finding stupid things to point out to Nessie.

When that girl finally passed out from that torture device thing they had her wrapped all up in, I started thinking about all the crazy stuff that pixie was always trying to get Nessie to do.

Nessie thought high heels were bad, but if it'd been back then . . .

"You're lucky we weren't alive two hundred years ago or Alice'd have you dressed in that shit." Like Nessie needed to get any smaller. "And that'd be you right there."

"Would you jump in to save me?" Nessie asked as I took my last bite.

"Hell yeah." I sat back against the couch and pulled Nessie with me so she was leaning into my side. But if I was jumping in to save her . . . "Does that mean I'm the pirate?"

"I guess." Nessie looked up at me, her cheek brushing against my skin. "You'd make a pretty awesome pirate."

Girl had a point there.

I was way buffer than that dude, so I could carry more stolen stuff. And I had all my teeth, which was an obvious bonus. And I'd probably smell a lot better, which hopefully wouldn't tip me off as a pirate straight away.

"I wouldn't, wouldn't?" I flicked my eyes back to the screen to see the dirty pirate slitting that corset thing open so the girl could breathe. "I would have fun doing that after I pulled you out." Nessie's eyes flicked to the screen to see what I was talking about, and I imagined me and Nessie in a similar situation, just without the near-death experience and all that. "Of course, I would be smart enough to swim you over to some deserted beach and not a dock full of people."

I wasn't sure, but I think I had just turned this into a game.

Nessie reached up and brushed her thumb across my chin, and I looked down to see her pink tongue reaching out to lick sauce from her finger.

"What would you do once we got there?"

Oh, yeah, this had turned into a game. I thought about my next move.

"After I finished undressing you, you mean?"

I watched Nessie's eyes to see if that was too far, but they just got darker. And then she nodded.

And I suddenly didn't feel like playing anymore.

I ran my hand down Nessie's tiny waist, squeezing gently in the that way she liked. I dipped my head down so I could press my lips to her soft neck, and I heard the whine in her throat even though Nessie kept it from coming out of her mouth.

"Nessie?"

"Yes, Jacob?"

"Do you still want to watch the movie?" If you say yes, I think I'll curl up in a ball and cry.

"No." Thank God.

I brought my head back up to meet her lips, our first kiss since this morning and I was moving through my checklist. I was home and I was fed. Now all I needed was some Nessie and everything would be all right until I had to get up and do it again tomorrow.

I wanted to pick Nessie up and run her straight to the bedroom, but I knew that wasn't the way to do things. This was still all really new, and we needed to be slow. We could kiss out here on the couch for a little bit and see how things went.

Whatever we were doing, I was going to have Nessie's body against mine, so I took her waist in both of my hands and started to slide her back so I could lay down over her. When I let as much as my weight as I dared down onto Nessie, she made his happy little sound in the back of her throat that only made me want her more.

Nessie's little legs folded themselves over the back of mine and then she arched into me. My baby. Damn.

I pulled back from her sweet kisses to kiss down her neck, since it was nice and soft and never failed to make her start wriggling against me. I hadn't been kissing - and occasionally tasting - for long before Nessie stopped me.

"Wait, Jacob." I did. "Get up really fast."

No - why?

I did though, lifting myself up onto my knees, and trying not to curse as Nessie slid out from under me, off of the couch completely. What was wrong?

I could still smell Nessie, loud and clear, so she didn't want to stop, did she?

"Turn over."

I did what she said, turning over and laying down on my back, only getting it when Nessie's eyes lit up and she moved to sling one of her legs over me. Nessie wanted to be on top? She never had before, not enough to stop what we were doing to change around, but that was fine by me.

I reached up and threaded my fingers through her hair so I could pull her down to my mouth. Nessie leaned comfortably into the kiss and it wasn't long before I let my hands wander under her little tank-top. To the soft skin of her back.

Nessie pulled away from me _again_ then, and sat up, bringing her right down against me. I was just starting to get hard and her against me like that - we both hissed through our teeth.

Then Nessie reached up and tugged the edge of her shirt halfway up her stomach, teasing me with inch after inch of beautiful white skin.

She got that sexy, kind of evil look in her eye and pulled her shirt up a little more. "Is this what you want?"

Oh, fuck, she was teasing me. That was so hot.

She wanted to know if I wanted it? I'd show her just how much I wanted her.

I gripped her hips and pulled her down, arching my hips up so she ground against my hard on. I was at full staff now. Nessie bit her lip on what smelled like another moan.

This is how much I want it, Nessie.

"What do you think?" I said instead.

"I think it is." She pulled her shirt up a little more until one of the cups of her bra was showing, that hot blue one from this morning. Damn, she was going to be the death of me. "Do you want to help with the rest?"

That was all I needed. As hot as it all was, I didn't feel like teasing.

I sat up like a shot and practically tore the shirt off her body, throwing it to the floor. Stupid thing. Nessie didn't need shirts anyway.

I kissed her hard, with every bit of pent-up frustration missing her all day had given me. Nessie's scent surged and her lips submitted under mine for a few seconds, but then she was pulling away _again_.

Or pushing me away to be exact.

"Lay back."

Yes, ma'am.

I laid back and propped my head up on the arm of the sofa, arching my hips up into Nessie's for a little friction. I expected her to tell me to stop, but she just bit her lip and rubbed back for a few more seconds.

"See, Jacob," she said a few seconds later, and leaned down and pressed her slightly swollen lips to the base of my throat. "I had this pretty interesting dream last night, and I was wondering if you might be interested in trying it out with me?"

Oh, God. That was what this was all about? Were we really gonna do this now?

I hardened a little more out of pure anticipation.

I tried to say something back, but it came out all strangled and weird. I didn't even care. My answer to that question was very clearly right between Nessie's legs.

She just kept kissing along my neck, all nice and soft and hot, and I kept my hands busy by running them over every inch of her that I could reach. Her round, soft breasts and her waist and finally down to her ass.

Nessie's lips and tongue made their way down slowly, down my neck and then to my chest.

I growled out loud when Nessie licked across my nipple. As if I wasn't holding her tight enough already, she traced her tongue all around it, teasing, and then blew.

The rush of cold was almost painful - and fucking sexy as hell.

"Now you know how it feels."

Nessie looked up and me, lust clear in her eyes. But when they met mine, they widened a little - and then softened.

Then she lowered her mouth to my other pec, taking her sweet time.

I wanted Nessie, bad. Now. But I wanted this too and I would enjoy it. God, would I.

I wasn't the only one getting turned on by this - Nessie's scent was the only thing in the room besides us, overpowering even the air. She was enjoying kissing me almost as much as I was enjoying being kissed.

Then, after what felt like years, Nessie was at my stomach.

She'd never kissed there before.

She had to slide down, which sucked, losing the soft warmth of between her legs to press my hips into, but I definitely gained. I gained Nessie's lips, soft and warm and sweet, against my abs.

She was good. She was so fucking good.

Nessie must have been practicing this shit in her dreams a fucking lot, because she didn't act like it was something she'd never done before. Her kisses ran over every inch of my skin, and her tongue . . .

Her tongue dipped in between the creases of my abs. Every one.

When she got to my navel, she swirled her tongue around it and I couldn't keep my hips from bucking against her. I was already so tight - so hot . . . so fucking turned on.

When I did, my hard on ran right across her breasts, the soft swells that raised up over the top of her bra. Even through my shorts, I felt it. Nessie groaned when I did, and that only made it so much better.

Then Nessie brought her eyes up to mine as she sidled down a little more, and the sight of her looking up at me like that from where she was . . . it was almost too much to handle.

And that was before she reached up and tugged my shorts down.

Not all the way - I don't think I would have let her do that, but just enough. Really pushing it, actually.

Then she leaned down and pressed her soft lips to the very top of my hipbone, kissing. I tried not to move, to just lay under her and let her do her thing, but it was so hard. Especially when she parted her lips, letting her tongue dart out . . .

I couldn't help it, I shifted.

My fingers were in her hair now, since that was the only thing I could easily reach, and it had been an exercise in control not to tighten my grip every time Nessie did something amazing.

I forgot about this completely when Nessie dipped her head down, drawing her tongue all the way down the line of my hip. Down, down lower than her mouth had _ever_ been.

"Fuck - Nessie - "

I had no control of my hips when they bucked up into Nessie's mouth.

I had to fight for control of my brain when Nessie dipped her head even lower, until her nose brushed straight across my hard on.

And because I wanted it so, so bad, I had to stop her then. Nessie couldn't - I wouldn't let Nessie think she had to do that.

I reached down and pulled Nessie back up my body so she was over me like before.

"No, Ness." I couldn't help pressing my hips up between her legs. That was okay though.

"No what?"

"Just - just no." No need to get into that now, not when when I had Nessie's body on top of me and her lips against me.

God, I had missed this woman so much.

It felt like years and not days since I had felt her, touched her.

I kissed her hard, reaching down to grope her ass and then back up to run over the rest of her body. I knew I should be softer, sweeter, kinder - but I had just missed her so much.

I _needed_ her.

Nessie's body was soft against mine, and it was only a few more seconds before I couldn't help myself anymore and I reached down and slipped my hands into the back of her shorts.

I had been right, they were silky, and they were definitely snug, holding me tight against Nessie's skin. Her panties were satiny too, but they had nothing on the softness of the skin that they were blocking me from.

"Jacob?"

I kissed her again one more time before I answered her. "Yeah, baby?"

Nessie shivered against me and I reached my tongue out to lick at her lips. "Do you want me to take my shorts off?"

Oh, fuck, Nessie was _trying _to kill me.

But I just groaned and said, "If you want to."

You never have to do anything you don't want to, Nessie baby.

And as bad as I wanted those shorts off, I was sure there had to be another way to do it besides Nessie getting up. But it was worth it to watch those shorts slide down her legs, revealing even tinier panties.

That blue looked fucking delicious on her skin.

As soon as she had stepped out of those shorts, I was pulling her back over me. My hands immediately went to her ass, which I could feel _so_ much better now. I massaged her gently, and threw myself back into kissing my beautiful wife.

But then a few minutes later, in one of the pauses between our kisses, "Jacob?"

"Mm?"

"If - if I asked you to do something," Nessie muttered, quietly, shyly, and kissed me again. "Would you do it?"

"Of course, Nessie." I'll always do whatever you ask me to, honey. I gave her a hard kiss and tried to put all of my love into it. "I'd do anything for you, honey, you know that."

But what did she want?

"Even . . . if it was weird?"

"Just tell me." I started to kiss under her jaw, trying to loosen her up, and Nessie stretched up to let me do it. "I'm good with weird."

But you could never be weird, Nessie honey.

"Can you - " Nessie shut her eyes tight and her heart sped up. Why was she so nervous? "You know, this morning . . . what you did?"

I had done several things this morning, but only one stood out. I hoped we were thinking about the same thing. "Yeah."

"Can you do that again?" What? "I mean, I know it's - weird. I just . . . when you - "

"You mean - " I ran my hand over Nessie's ass one more time, deliberately. "Smack you?"

Nessie's face flushed red, and I knew I was right.

"I just, I think I . . . . I liked it, but I wasn't - "

I cut her off with my lips. She didn't need to explain to me. I would always do whatever she asked and she had no need to be embarrassed whatsoever. Especially when what she asked for was something so . . . damn.

I mean, I knew she said she didn't mind, but I never would have thought she would . . . like it. Like that.

Especially enough to ask me to . . . to do it again. To spank her.

* * *

**Coming up:**

I needed a picture of her like this, naked in my bed on her stomach, her copper hair all spread out across my pillow and her white skin going on for miles. I'd take one, if I had any idea how to get it developed - and could assure that no one ever saw it. Ever. I'd have to kill the man that did.

No one besides me was allowed to have this image in their brain.

"You're so beautiful, Nessie." I laid back over her, still holding my body off of hers, to catch her left hand. I leaned down and kissed her finger, right above my mark. "I love you so much."

"I love you so much too, Jacob." She wrapped her thumb around my hand and tugged it to her mouth so she could kiss me in the same place, above her mark.

I loved this woman. Adored her. I fucking breathed her.


	55. The Formula For an Uncensored Jake

**_A/N:_** First off, I want to say - _Hands on Me_ won a **Sparkle Award**! Yeah, that's right! The Paris Award, Best Jacob/Anyone Tale - and it's all because of you! So I love you! Even though I loved you anyway. I'm actually really surprised by my win considering I was up against IPoN, and we all know she's like the J/N star. Also, the lovely ladies **Charlotte Webber** and **yay4shanghai** came away with awards so make sure you send them a congrats note!

About the chapter, there's not much to say - this is the inside of Jake's mind, like always. He more than speaks for himself.

**_((READ BELOW))_**

Now, I have some . . . news. I'm taking a two week hiatus from updating. Just two weeks. I need to concentrate on writing and get some chapters stored up so the quality of my writing doesn't suffer. I also have schoolwork and other things that need doing - but worry not, writing will be done. My lovely Daddy has just gifted me with the awesomest Macbook that is going to make my life tons easier, and don't worry, the keys will be busy.

So I'm announcing here - don't worry, I'll still be replying reviews and PMs and I'll still be hanging out on twitter, where you can follow me if you want to receive mini-progress reports on how the writing goes. I know you all rock so hard that you'll understand, but I feel bad about leaving you hanging, even for a little while.

Thank you so much for understanding. I love you all, and please enjoy. :)

**_Disclaimer:_** Sadly, once again, none of it's mine. Not even the chapter title. Thank Katie. Again.

* * *

The Formula For an Uncensored Jake

* * *

_i wanna be on you  
i wanna be on you  
and if you don't like that, then send it right back  
but i just gotta say_

_- flo-rida, be on you_

-

But what Nessie wanted, Nessie got - and I certainly didn't mind. I just had to be careful not to hurt her. Gentle.

Her heart was thundering, she was so nervous. Poor baby, had she been working up to this all night?

I kissed her softly, trying to get her to calm down, as I slid my hand gently down to cup her ass. My stomach tightened at the thought of what I was about to do - I guess Nessie and I did have the same likes after all.

I lifted my hand and brought it back down, popping her ass lightly to test the waters. I wasn't sure what Nessie wanted, and I wouldn't risk being too rough with her.

But I couldn't deny the moan Nessie let loose into my mouth.

"Like that?"

"Harder."

Oh, fuck. Damn, Nessie.

She just brought her lips back to mine and left me to do what she asked. I smacked her again, still lightly, about like this morning. But this morning it had been over clothes, and now on Nessie's bare skin . . . it made the hottest sound.

Nessie and me groaned at the same time and her scent surged. I rubbed the place I had popped lightly, trying to rub out any sting there may have been. I was the one who pulled away from Nessie's mouth this time.

"Do you . . . like that?"

Nessie bit her lip, swollen a little from our kisses, and nodded. "Is that okay?"

If she only knew just how okay that was.

I slid the tips of my fingers just under the edge of her panties, just to feel a little more of her soft skin, and Nessie rubbed herself against me.

"Whatever you want is okay with me." The relief on her face killed me. I accepted her kiss. "Don't be shy to ever ask me for anything, Ness."

Because I'll bend over backwards to do it for you, and enjoy it.

Nessie's eyes changed, and she reached up and brushed back some hair from my forehead.

"And you too, Jake." Don't give me that kind of permission, baby, you know I don't do good with it. "If you ever want . . . anything, you can ask me. I swear I won't mind."

My mind was suddenly swimming with things I wanted to ask her for, all the different ways I wanted to take her, but I knew now wasn't the time or place to ask for any of them.

There was one thing I could ask for though. I just needed to check. "Anything?"

Nessie's heart thrummed a little faster. She nodded.

My girl.

"Do you want to go to the bedroom, Nessie?"

Nessie's scent surged around me even stronger, and she smiled. That small, private, intimate kind of smile that made me feel . . . perfect.

"Yes, Jacob."

Ah, yes.

"To the bedroom it is," I said, and two seconds later, I was standing up and she was cradled in my arms. Nessie gasped and clung to my neck as she was moved, pretty fast, if I do say so myself. "What?"

"Are you always going to carry me to the bedroom like that for the rest of our lives?"

I'd carried her to bed last night too, but that was because she'd been hurt. Tonight it was just because I wanted her in my arms.

"Well, no." I dipped my knees so Nessie could reach down and twist the doorknob open. "Not every night. Some nights I'll let you carry me."

Nessie laughed against my chest as I kicked the door closed. She held me tight again as I laid us carefully down onto the bed. Nessie immediately rolled over onto her back and parted her legs, giving my body a place to lay.

I laid over her and reached down, grasping her thigh and pulling it up over my hip as Nessie strained up to kiss me again. Once Nessie's leg was where I wanted it, I let my hand slide down a little further, back to cup her ass.

Her breath hitched, and her lips stalled against mind for the shortest second. I think I knew what she wanted.

I pulled back from her lips just enough to ask, "Ness?"

"Yes," she murmured against my mouth, but she wasn't answering to me calling her name. "You can. It's okay."

She was so beautiful.

I lifted my hand off of her and smacked her lightly, a little harder than before, and we both made noises at the same time. Me a deep groan and Nessie a high-pitched almost-whine.

I massaged the flesh in my hand, wanting to take any sting out, and Nessie's leg around me held me tighter. Her body shifted to the side, until she was almost half on her side. More of her ass available to me than before.

I popped her again. The last time, I promised myself, and enjoyed Nessie's reaction of mewling and rubbing herself against me. Her scent was _so_ strong.

"I love . . . " I broke away from her mouth to kiss down her jaw, loving how her body arched up into mine. I was already so hard; I wasn't sure if I could stand much more. "I love that you . . . love that."

"Mmm," was all the response I got. "Love you, Jake."

"I love you too, baby," I promised, letting my hand leave her soft ass for her sides. She arched her back for me when it became obvious where my hand wanted to go. I stopped at the latch of her bra. "Ness . . . you still feeling good?"

"So good, Jacob." She arched even more into my body, until most of her probably wasn't even touching the bed, and reached up and threaded her fingers through my hair. "Take it off . . . it's okay."

There went that permission again. I was gone.

Nessie kept giving it and I kept taking what she offered. The permission to slide her bra off of her body, and then to kiss her beautiful breasts. The permission to pull her panties down her legs, and finally see her naked and under me again.

The permission to touch her - which she hadn't wanted to give me at first, but I won in the end. Her skin resisted change, and one time together hadn't changed that - I know the first time was supposed to be painful, but I was determined that the second wouldn't be.

She finally gave it to me though, and I got the honor of watching her shudder under me again, her wet heat clenching tight around my fingers. She cursed and pressed her mouth hard against my shoulder, trying to keep all of her beautiful sounds in, but I still heard them.

Heard my name too.

The condom was another thing I had to work for permission for, but I wouldn't be moved on that. I wanted to give Nessie everything she wanted - God, did I. And if Nessie wanted a baby then I definitely . . . but not now.

The rest Nessie had no problem giving me permission for: sucking lightly on her neck, parting her legs, slowly sliding deep into her pure heat . . .

She was perfect.

I could tell this time was better for her - maybe a little discomfort, no pain. She was more active, running her hands up and down my back and bringing her hips up into mine. Kissing across my throat and shoulder when I buried my face in neck.

And then when her body finally loosened around mine, relaxing, melting back into the bed, she brushed back my hair and whispered my name, giving me permission to empty myself inside of her.

When we finally separated, Nessie curled herself against me and pressed tiny, tired kisses all across my chest. I ran my hand down her soft back and pulled her closer. I was more than ready to deal with everything coming my way.

All I needed was this . . . not even every night. Just every once in a while, and I could face anything that was getting slung at me.

This girl made me okay.

Nessie snuggled up even closer, wrapping one of her arms around my waist. Her hand fell naturally, her fingers just brushing the place where my back started to curve out. She was there maybe two seconds before I think she realized where her hand was and yanked it away.

She brought it up to rest on my hip, and when I looked down, her cheeks were a bright pink. Sweet baby.

Not trying to freak her out, trying to do the exact opposite - make her comfortable - I reached down and took her hand, moving it back to where it was.

"It's okay, honey." I dipped my head down to brush my nose against hers and she took the hint, tilting her chin up so our lips could meet. "Don't be shy."

Nessie's nodded, and I was surprised to feel her hand folding up. Until I felt the light scratch of her nails, pulling easily across my skin.

It should have tickled, but it didn't. It felt good. Irony of ironies, like a . . . a dog getting his belly scratched. And as a wolf, I knew what that felt like.

"That's nice." Nessie smiled a little and continued to rake her nails lightly back and forth over the place right above my ass. "You're putting me to sleep."

Nessie pressed her head against my chest and fluttered her eyes up to mine.

"Then sleep, my Jacob, you've had a long day."

I had, and I did. I lulled away quickly to the sound of Nessie's heartbeat, and the feeling of her nails pulling back and forth across my skin.

The next thing I remember is soft lips on my shoulder and those nails tracing along my back again. Not wanting to be pulled from my perfect Nessie sleep, I fought against it.

Then I felt a tickling, moving up my side and warm lips cover mine. A kiss.

"Mmm."

Maybe reality was worth waking up to.

I heard my favorite sound, a muffled laugh, and then I was kissed again. I felt another warm touch, against my face, and then I saw . . . last night.

But in reverse.

I saw my face hovering above and felt a hot, comfortable weight settled over my body. Moving, back and forth; I felt strong lust and a feeling of fullness and then it was gone.

I groaned, wanting the picture back.

"Wake up, my Jacob." Ah, that voice. I felt a face bury itself into my neck, breathe deep. "It's morning - it's time to wake up, come on."

If Nessie was calling me, I could never not answer her. Even from a dead sleep, so I forced my eyes open.

God, she was beautiful in the morning.

I couldn't help but smile at her, even if it was a tired one, when I saw how happy she was. Just to see me. She wriggled a little, and her body pressed up against mine.

Mm, it was the first time we'd woken up together like this. Naked.

I could definitely get used to it.

"There's a naked Nessie in my bed in my dreams _and_ in real life," I decided to crack, and Nessie tried not to smile, but I could tell she wanted to.

"Good morning to you too." I dipped my head down to kiss her good morning. "I feel really good this morning."

The man and the animal in me knew what those words meant. And Nessie wouldn't have said anything if she didn't . . .

"Do you?" I reached out and wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her closer, feeling every inch of her bare skin against mine. I was awake now.

"Really good." Nessie's tiny foot came up to trail up and then back down my leg, making me want to shiver in a really good way. "So, I was thinking . . . if your hungry-werewolf-self can tolerate some cereal for breakfast . . . "

"I was actually thinking about some Nessie for breakfast," I said, straight from my head. No filter. Nessie reached her hand up to my cheek to kiss me and I shifted so I was more on top. "If you've got some to spare."

"Always, Jake." Nessie smiled wide into our kiss, and her scent picked up a little as I brushed my fingers over the curve of her breast. Down her side. "For you there's always more than enough.

"Good, 'cause I can eat a lot."

Apparently the combination to getting Jake to say whatever he was thinking, right out of his head was to wake him up and press a naked Nessie against him, but I wasn't fighting it.

I slipped my tongue passed Nessie's lips and she accepted it, flicking her own out to meet mine, shivering.

To have just woken up, our kisses got hot fast, and soon I was trailing my hands down between Nessie's thighs. I was pretty sure where she intended for this to go, and this was a definite prerequisite for that. And even if it wasn't . . . I sure as hell enjoyed touching her.

Nessie's legs fell open to my touch and then I was running the tip of my finger across the most intimate part of her body. I instantly recognized that she was _more_ than ready for me, so I found her entrance and gently pressed, until I was buried in her heat.

I brought my thumb up to brush across that small place at the front Nessie liked and she arched hard into my hand and moaned. I felt for that place inside of her that felt a little different from the rest, wanting to hear that again, but when I did and the moan came, Nessie bit her lip on it.

"Don't hold back, Ness." Never hold back with me. "I love to hear the noises you make."

Nessie obeyed me immediately, releasing her lip and letting out a loud moan as I came back with two fingers.

"_Jac-ob._"

Yes. Yes, I loved her like this.

"You're so sexy like this," I said, leaning down to brush my lips across her ear. She needed to know - she couldn't think she had to hide it. "Naked, in my bed, under me. Moaning."

Another beautiful sound broke loose. I pressed back in with three fingers.

"I've never wanted anything as much as I want you."

I was just talking, letting all of my thoughts run through my brain and out of my mouth, opening myself to her. I didn't expect anything back.

I definitely didn't expect her to pant, "Then take me, Jacob. I want you too."

Did she know what she did to me?

"And when you talk like that." Lay down with me, Jacob. I'm yours, Jacob. You can touch me wherever you want, Jacob. "Even before, you'd say shit like that and not even realize - you didn't mean anything - but it'd turn me on so much - "

You don't know how many times you almost got taken on the dirty floor of a hotel room. Or in the passenger seat of a Porsche. Or on the ground in the woods.

But I didn't have time to think or say any of those things, because Nessie's body was tightening around me and her back was arching against me and she was moaning my name as I felt that rush that I was just now beginning to recognize.

I couldn't stop talking.

"Come on, baby, let go for me. I'm right here, right here with you - I love you so much, goddamn it, Nessie, you feel so fucking good."

Finally, the beautiful rush ended, and Nessie's body relaxed under mine. I pulled away before her whimpers could start, but as soon as I did Nessie's small hands were closing around my arms, trying to pull my body on top of hers.

"Now, Jacob."

I couldn't resist her when she pleaded with me. But . . . that permission thing again. The ask me for anything.

I would never ask her for anything too . . . not when we just started . . . but . . .

"Would you . . . " I would ask, and then bite the bullet. I'd give her the choice completely, make sure she was comfortable. "Do you want to try something new?"

I watched her eyes. If I saw fear there, I would go no further, but I saw none.

Nessie's beautiful, chocolate brown eyes just widened, and then she nodded.

I leaned down, my heart suddenly in my throat and my lust a burning ball in my stomach, and kissed her cheek.

I wouldn't lie and say I hadn't thought about taking Nessie a thousand different ways, even before she was mine to think of that way. But that didn't mean now that she was, I could treat her any kind of way. I would always be gentle. Respectful.

I leaned down and brushed my lips passed her ear again so I could whisper, "Turn over."

I lifted my body onto my arms so she could, and Nessie obeyed me, turning over onto her stomach. I reached up and swept all of her hair out of the way, in the opposite direction of how she had her face turned.

I pushed myself up, bracing myself on my knees more, so I could see all of her. Every beautiful inch. God . . . she was almost more beautiful on the back side than the front. Almost.

I ran my hand from her shoulder down to her back, pausing where it dipped down, before it started to rise up into her ass. Her gorgeous, round ass.

I needed a picture of her like this, naked in my bed on her stomach, her copper hair all spread out across my pillow and her white skin going on for miles. I'd take one, if I had any idea how to get it developed - and could assure that no one ever saw it. Ever. I'd have to kill the man that did.

No one besides me was allowed to have this image in their brain.

"You're so beautiful, Nessie." I laid back over her, still holding my body off of hers, to catch her left hand. I leaned down and kissed her finger, right above my mark. "I love you so much."

"I love you so much too, Jacob." She wrapped her thumb around my hand and tugged it to her mouth so she could kiss me in the same place, above her mark.

I loved this woman. Adored her. I fucking breathed her.

I dipped my head down to kiss her pale white shoulder, somewhere I didn't think I had kissed before. So soft under my mouth. I needed her, now.

I sat up again to lean forward and pull open my dresser drawer - I'd dumped the entire bag in there the other day when Nessie was in the bathroom. I needed easy access, or my lust and Nessie would definitely end up talking me out of it.

I pulled one out, the first one my fingers touched, and sat back on my heels to roll it on. My eyes on Nessie's body laying in front of me the entire time. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be to keep my hands off of myself at the sight, but that was probably because I knew I would have so much better in only a few short seconds.

I braced myself back over Nessie's body, unsure on exactly how this was supposed to go, but knowing this was the start. I nudged Nessie's legs apart with my knee and she spread them, so I could finally press myself against her.

Her ass, round and soft, rubbed against my lower stomach and made it almost virtually impossible not to lose it. Especially when she arched back into me.

I shifted all my weight onto one arm and brought my other down to cup Nessie's hip, which would hopefully help my . . . steering. I pressed some more kisses across Nessie's shoulders. How had I gone so many years without kissing them?

"Is this okay, Nessie?" Tell me if it's not, baby. "Are you okay like this?"

"Yes, Jacob." She was panting. Did Nessie want this as much as me? "It's fine."

I promised to believe Nessie - and I did - so then, for the third time in my life, I pushed gently into her tight heat.

God, it was so fucking different.

Not better or worse, but worlds different. The angle, the way Nessie's body accepted mine was different. I wasn't as deep - I could tell that I wouldn't be able to go so deep this way - but that was okay. It was still amazing.

As soon as I was buried as deep as I thought it was safe to go, I locked my body. Forced it to freeze, so Nessie's could accommodate me. This was and would be necessary for a while - I would not risk hurting her again.

I was still holding myself still, getting used to the feeling of Nessie's ass pressed up against my hips, when she parted her legs some more. I slid deeper, unexpectedly.

"Fuck, Ness." I was passed holding it back. "You feel so good."

Nessie pressed back against me, even harder, and I went _deeper_. "You feel so good too, Jacob."

I wasn't sure I could hold on for much longer, stay wrapped so tight in such heat and not move. I kissed the back of Nessie's soft neck. "Are you ready, Ness?"

"Please."

Always, baby.

I shifted my weight, lifting my hand off her hip and running it over her ass and all the way up her back. I brushed her hair out of the way so I wouldn't pull it before I braced my arm next to her head.

Then I slowly pulled out. Nessie's forearms came up to cover mine, connecting us in another way as I slid back in. I wasn't sure I'd ever get used to this, the tightness and the heat, the fact that it was my Nessie here under me and she was my wife and it was all real. That I was so physically close to another person - not just another person, the only person. The only one who mattered.

I kept my pace slowly and steady, taking my time, kissing across Nessie's shoulders and neck, the only place I could really reach. She felt so good - she _was_ so good. I couldn't really touch Nessie like this - it was a pretty selfish position on my part, so I tried to kiss her and whisper to her as much as I could.

I angled my hips to try and hit that place inside of her too, but I wasn't exactly sure if I was.

It wasn't long before I felt Nessie's body arching, pressing her ass up against me, not making my job of taking things slow any easier. When she started pressing back harder though, I knew she was asking me to go faster, so I did. A little.

I sucked lightly in the back of Nessie's neck, where I knew a mark wouldn't really be seen. Even though I was pretty careful to make sure I didn't make one.

I was making my way back to trace my tongue over the curve of her ear when she whispered, "Harder, Jacob."

I had no choice but to listen to her, letting my body push me a little faster. Nessie . . . clenched around me, the smallest bit, and moaned, and I sped up again. My girl wouldn't have to ask me twice, not for this. I really hoped Nessie could finish like this, because I would hate myself if I went ahead without her.

But I was so fucking close.

I thrust again and Nessie arched hard and whined, before her hips literally started bucking under me. Her body writhing as much as it could, but my weight over her held her mostly still. She gasped and panted and her body gripped me tight and it was too much.

Too hot, too sexy. Too fucking beautiful.

I was done.

I started pumping my hips faster, reminding myself not to be too rough, and Nessie moaned and under me I felt her legs spread further. I slid deeper and literally bit my own lip to keep from biting down onto Nessie's shoulder. I was too turned on, too far gone - I couldn't have my teeth on her now.

"Nessie - Nessie - "

I love you. I need you. _Thank you_.

Feeling my body starting to drain, I pressed myself as deep into Nessie's sweet body as I could go and dropped my head onto her beautiful neck. We both went lax at the same time and even though I didn't want to, I gently pulled out.

I lifted my weight up just long enough to strip the condom off and toss it into the trashcan in the corner before I slipped my hand under Nessie's stomach and easily flipped her over. She was so light, and then she was under me just how I wanted her to be.

Having her hot ass pressed against me was something else, but there was nothing like this. Front to front, facing.

Had I forgotten somehow how beautiful she was?

Nessie's small arms immediately reached up and wrapped around my neck, pulling me down to where I was already heading. Her mouth. I didn't waste a second slipping my tongue passed her lips, tasting her mouth that I'd missed for the past however long it had been.

Her nipples teased my chest as we kissed and I realized this I was going to have a damn hard time choosing favorites. We'd have to switch it up, if it was okay with Ness. I wanted her every way.

I finally pulled away to look at her.

"You've got some pretty good ideas."

"Yeah?" That was the tamest one, baby. The rest of them, I can't even tell you. But it was . . . good, to hear her say that. I reached up and traced my thumb around her nipple. "So it was . . . okay?"

It had to be. It had to be more than okay for her every time, or else I was just using her for my own pleasure, and I would not do that.

"Mmm." Yes. She definitely looked blissed out. It was kinda hard to get my mind around the concept that I did that.

"I'm so glad . . . it was good for you." The sunlight from the window shined in over the side of her face, making her even more beautiful. But it also sucked, because if the sun was coming through the window like that . . . "We have to get up now."

Nessie groaned, and not the good kind. I felt so bad. I had probably just wore her out and she needed some time to relax.

"How about you go shower while I fix breakfast." I phrased it like a question, but I didn't say it like one. Nessie wasn't cooking breakfast this morning. "It won't be delicious as usual, but it'll hopefully keep us from starving."

Grilled cheese, coming up.

Nessie smiled, a kind of sad smile, but she was trying to be brave for me. My girl.

Then I did the worst thing of all - I got up. I had to, and it was best to do it quick, like a band-aid. I lifted the covers up and rolled off of the bed, landing on my feet. I went and grabbed my shorts that had gotten thrown aside pretty quick last night. I had them halfway up my legs when I looked up to see Nessie watching me.

There was lust in her eyes, but that wasn't the main thing. They were mostly wide, innocent. Curious.

I felt myself love her even more.

"Well, I was going to just cook naked." I tried to make it a joke. I really had no problem being naked in front of Nessie. It was me, and my body, and it was hers. I didn't care if she saw it, or me. "But I heard that was unhealthy."

"I wouldn't mind." Of course, her cheeks had to go pink.

She looked like heaven in my bed, laid out and naked. I never wanted her to be another way when we were alone.

I acted like I was going to drop my shorts. Well, I actually almost dropped my shorts. "Dare me?"

I half-hoped she would. I wanted to show her that we didn't have to be shy.

Nessie sat up and tugged the sheet up to cover her hips, the place between her legs where I'd been on a few minutes ago. I needed another picture, of this. Her, sitting up, her hair all around her, the sheet half on her.

But still naked, in my bed.

I'd make her look at it, see how beautiful she really was.

She laughed. "Put your shorts on, Jacob."

Since she told me to, I did. Then I held my hand out to help her up. I had an idea. Nessie liked our games.

"Dare you to walk to the shower naked."

It wasn't much, but I knew if I left Ness to her own, she'd find herself a towel or a robe or one of my shirts to pull over herself for the short walk. This was her house and I was her husband; she could be naked anywhere in this house.

It wasn't even the naked issue, even though the man in me was really hoping Nessie would take to it - it was comfort. Nessie had to be comfortable with me.

Nessie's cheeks got a little darker and I knew she was shy, but I didn't think she'd turn me down.

I was right.

She lifted the sheet off of herself and stood up, every beautiful inch of her. She went to walk but when I started to follow her, she reached out and touched my chest.

"Isn't the reason you dared me so you could watch me walk away?"

She said it with this sexy look, and ran her fingernail down my chest. I almost jumped her again. I hoped she didn't look down.

"You're good."

It was true - I think the way my brain worked was to constantly be cooking up new scenarios for me to catch a look at Nessie's ass.

Of course, my eyes were on her ass as she walked away. Slowly, seductively, fucking teasing me again. I watched for about three seconds before I realized I didn't have the best position to maximize my viewing pleasure.

I snuck around her, popping her ass lightly as I went but not stopping because it'd definitely escalate. Nessie gasped, from surprise . . . but a little from lust too. I had to smirk - it just make me feel so damn good. Cocky as shit.

She wiped the surprised look off her face quick though and cocked an eyebrow.

"I want to get a good seat to watch you go down the hall," I explained. Why would I lie?

Nessie rolled her eyes, but I knew she wasn't really annoyed. She didn't smell annoyed at all, although that might just be left over from . . . before. She walked slowly, a little slower than normal, and I watched her go the whole way.

Fuck. Another day shot. How many more did I have now? Eleven? Before I had to leave this? _Could_ I leave this?

No. No, I wouldn't start that. I was leaving. In eleven days. To fight bloodsuckers, and there was nothing else to do about it. I might come back, I would do everything I could to come back, but I might not and I had to prepare myself for that.

Nessie ducked back out of the bathroom door with a playful grin and I fought to put my face back to normal.

"I'll expect my breakfast ready when I get out," she said, pointing her finger and trying to sound stern.

My heart swelled and broke at the same time.

_How_ could I prepare myself for that?

* * *

**_A/N:_** I don't have a coming up for you, because like I've mentioned, things have been catching up to me. What I do have is an excerpt from something I've been playing with on an off for a while and _hope_ to have out by Christmas. Hope being the operative word. It's pretty dark and surprisingly, not J/N.

Here's a first look at (working title), **_Green and Grey_**:

She looks at him and and then she realizes he's looking at her, with that mirror look in his eyes, stronger than she'd ever seen it before. He looked wild, his hair straight up around his head and his eyes all deep and broken.

"I'm . . . Paul." She already knew. "You . . . look . . . just like her."

"I - I know I do."

She suddenly has to look at him now, harder than you did before. This is _Paul_. This is Rachel's other half. This is the man she loved so strong she could hear it in her voice. He was such a big part of Rebecca's missing piece - she had to know him.

"You _knew _her."

He was beautiful too. Tall, she could tell, even though he was sitting down, and strong and muscled. His face was angled in all the right places - she could see how Rachel loved him from the second she saw him.

"I was her." Nobody seemed to realize how it worked, how they were two halves of one whole stuck in separate bodies. Without Rachel - part of her was gone.

He stared her, up and down, for a long time, his eyes flipping her, mirroring her in search of his wife.

"What's your favorite color?" He finally asked suddenly.

She watched his eyes, the broken mirror-look, half insane with love and grief. This piece of Rachel, this last piece, so completely broken and desperate.

"Grey," she finally pushed out. She loved grey because it was the color of La Push sky, looking up at it the only memory she had of this place without her mother in the background. "But that's . . . not what you want to hear, is it?"

He let out a deep, shaky breath. She could see the steam in the air. She realized she was shivering - how wasn't he?

He finally shook his head. "No . . . it isn't."

Rebecca braced herself for what she was about to do.

"Green," she repeated. Rachel loved the green of Forks and La Push, and Rebecca knew what she was doing. "My favorite color is green."

And thus it began.


	56. Worse Than a Dog

**_A/N:_** Okay, I'm back! Did you miss me? I bet you did. :) First off, I want to apologize for being so late replying reviews and PMs, but they all got replied and that's what counts, right? Right?

I didn't get as much writing done as I would have hoped, but I did get some done, so hopefully no more hiatuses in the future. Here's a completely fresh chapter for you, a look inside Jacob's increasingly frantic head. Poor baby - we can't even begin to imagine what he's going through.

I expect major feedback letting me know how much you missed me - God knows I missed you all! I hope your holidays rocked!

Also, news: I've got a **new fic** up! A - gasp - Edward POV! Don't worry, plenty of Jake and Nessie, and I only wrote it as a present for a friend - but please go check it out! It's called _Bridging the Gaps_.

And - and, and, and - _If You're Mine_ was recc'd by the **Fictionators**! Come on, One-Shot Wednesday! Go check it out if you care!

**_Disclaimer:_** I own nothing, although to my credit, I did the lyrics and titles on my own this time. And just because it needs to be said again, I missed you guys!

* * *

Worse Than a Dog

* * *

_i'd like to make myself believe  
that planet earth turns slowly_

_- owl city, fireflies_

-

After that, things started moving real quick. It was like . . . I was fighting everything, all the time, only I couldn't show it.

I couldn't slow it down.

I woke up, I ate, I ran drills until my head was empty and my body was drained, and then I escaped home and fell into Nessie.

Vamps started showing up left and fucking right, which I tried to be grateful for since they were fighting with us, but all I could ever think about was the stink and how it made my nose burn and made it so much harder to pick up Nessie's sweet scent from the house.

It was a little better when we started training at the big house, because I was closer to Nessie, even if I didn't get to see her. I could feel that she was close, and sometimes I'd catch a whiff of her scent or a note of her voice which helped some. It hurt too.

I couldn't get it out of my head - leaving her. It was my worst fucking nightmare come true and at the same thing it was the one thing I could never deny. My need to be with her was second to only one thing, and that was my need to keep her safe.

And no matter how much it made me fucking sick, me being with her would end up with us both - if not dead . . . then something that made death look cheery.

And that would not fucking happen to her.

So that meant I was leaving.

I could come back, of course. That was a possibility, but not a likely one. I knew beyond doubt that we could take the Volturi bastards, but I also knew that we couldn't do it easy.

We'd have losses. I knew that.

And the leader was always the first one the enemy tried to take down.

I wasn't afraid of dying as in death itself. I was just absolutely terrified of ending up in a place where Nessie wasn't. Of leaving her to . . . life.

I of all people knew that life was pretty fucking cruel.

God, we should have prepared her more. Taught her more things, how to function without . . . us.

I wasn't the only person stuck inside their own head a lot. Most of the guys were really up for another fight - it'd been a while since we'd had one. But the imprint guys . . . not so much.

They were still loyal to their pack. The trained with us, they fought with us, and their loyalty never wavered, but it wasn't hard to tell how much they were struggling.

I was grateful Seth and Quil were the only imprinted minds I had to share. I wasn't sure if I could handle what was inside Jared and Paul and Sam's heads too - especially Sam's.

Not only did he have an imprint - he had children. Babies. Two of them.

No, I didn't want to be in Sam's head right now. Although it couldn't be half as miserable as being inside mine.

No, miserable wasn't the right word, because I wasn't miserable. I was still alive, I was still with Nessie, so things weren't bad. I just hated that my small amount of time left was even more limited. I wanted to spend every second of every minute of every hour with her - and it was torture to not be able to do that.

It hurt her too, even though she was strong and tried not to show it. I was so proud of her, being strong.

But I knew . . . that Nessie wasn't _as _strong. Not as strong as me, as her family. Not even as strong as she used to be.

But we were fixing that.

It had scared the ever loving shit out of me when Prozac came marching up to me and Edward with that. For a heart-stopping second I thought Nessie was - becoming . . . human. Fucking mortal, and I didn't know if I could stand that.

But she wasn't. Thank God. Thank _God_, she wasn't. But she _was_ getting weaker, and that was intolerable. Nessie _still_ hadn't been hunting, even after that whole fainting episode, and I couldn't believe I hadn't noticed her getting weaker.

I'd always been stronger, but I'd failed to notice how much stronger I'd seemed over her lately. But now Nessie was well on her way to stronger. She even managed to lift me off of my feet this morning - just barely, but enough to shock the hell out of me.

Doctor Vamp had her hunting every day, and it sucked that I was never the one that got to take her. I loved to watch Nessie hunt. But I was always so damn busy, so she went with Edward or Bells or Emmett or Momma Vamp.

_Earth to Jake!_

Quil's thoughts shook me back into where I was.

_What?_

_Um . . . Claire's only at Emily's until nine . . . _

_Go._ He might as well - it was all he'd been thinking about all day, and I had said we'd try to get out of here early. I couldn't concentrate on anything besides home. _I'll see you same time tomorrow._

_Got it._

I barely had time to snatch my head in the other direction before Quil was human again and snatching his clothes back on. He'd drove today since he'd been planning to head to Sam's straight after.

I looked around at the sparring going on around me - everyone was paired with someone from the opposite pack to eliminate the telepathic advantage. Brady and Seth, Paul and Leah, Embry and Jared. Sam stood, taller than everyone except me, overseeing.

_Sam_? I addressed him, the only way he would be able to hear me. Sam couldn't hear my every thought anymore - only what I let him.

_Yeah?_ He answered back.

It was weird to hear him in my head without all the rest, without seeing through his eyes or hearing through his ears. Like a telephone conversation.

_We can wrap this up_, I decided. _Tell everybody on your side that they can leave if they've got better things to do._

Of course, my pack had already heard the thought. With a deep growl and a pounce, Seth pinned Brady and then bounced back, doing a small victory lap around the clearing.

He was already planning how he would kiss Natalie when he saw her - thinking about sneaking into her bedroom window. Her parents had no problem with him visiting before dark, but she liked it better when he came through the window.

He'd decided not to tell her about everything until . . . after. If there was one.

_I'll see you suckers later!_

_I'm sure your Cullen buddies wouldn't like you using them as a derogatory term, _ Leah thought, snarling when Paul got the advantage and knocked her onto her back.

_So not what I meant, Leah, and it's not gonna work today_. Seth was moving fast - he was making good ground. In a hurry to get to his imprint. _You're just pissy because Jake said anyone who doesn't have somewhere better to be, and that doesn't include you._

Damn, imprinting made Seth mean. Well, mean for him anyway. But he did have to live with Leah - and if she was constantly on his imprint like that . . .

Leah's brain was half-focused on coming up with a comeback for Seth and half-considering going for Paul's throat. The one rule we had set up - we wanted to spar, not kill half the pack before we had to really fight.

No matter whether we were once brothers or not, our minds weren't connected in the same way and once he defensive instinct took over . . . I growled quietly to let Leah know her thought hadn't escaped notice and I felt her will bend, just slightly.

_Whatever, Seth, run like the puppy you are._ Jared withdrew from the fight and nodded to Sam, who had apparently given him permission to leave. I felt Leah's disappointment at not getting to sink teeth into him before he left. She was unstoppable today. _Maybe she won't stall you at third this time. But if she doesn't, please make sure you wash your head out with bleach tonight, because I don't want a replay first thing in the morning._

Seth made . . . what I can only describe as the mental version of that perverted tongue flick thing you see guys do in movies. Then he phased.

What the fuck was going on with him? Imprinting made all of us . . . nicer, at least a little. I guess he was messing with Leah the only way he knew how.

_Well, it's damn annoying. He's not supposed to stand up to me._ Leah shook her head and trotted over to me. _But he's right, I really have nowhere else to be, so I can run drills if you want, although I understand if you're in a hurry to get back to your imprint too._

Her tone was only a little mocking and really, that was the best we could hope for.

_Not the Alpha of the house anymore, Leah? _Of course, she couldn't hide from me how much she hated that, and that made her hate it even more. _Getting pissy now that Seth's finally manned up and not taking your shit anymore?_

Leah could tell I was only messing so she didn't get _as_ mad as she normally would have.

_Jake, don't make me piss you off. _

_Jacob, I'm leaving, _I heard Sam . . . say. Think, whatever. _We'll meet you here tomorrow, same time as always._

I could hear the Alpha in his tone and it irritated me. It was hard for two Alphas to be around each other - even if Sam really was trying to tone it down. He had to though - my dominance was clearly asserted over his.

Good thing he couldn't hear that too, since I wasn't addressing him. Separate packs did have its benefits .

He ran off in the direction of La Push and then it was only me and Leah.

_You wanting to drill some more or something? _Leah thought in my direction, wondering why I wasn't immediately phasing and running for the house.

_No, I'm just gonna stay phased for a few more minutes to let my leg heal up some more. _We healed a little faster when we were in wolf form, and I'd been so far inside my head today that Collin sunk teeth into my leg pretty bad.

It was about half an hour ago so it was pretty much healed, but my fur still wasn't in place so that meant there'd still be a mark and I didn't want Nessie seeing it.

_You imprinted people_. She probably would have sighed if she was human. _Nessie's not stupid, Jake, what do you think she thinks you're doing out here all day?_

_Playing checkers._

_I'm just saying, if you miss her so bad. _Leah rolled over onto back and then continued until she was standing up. She tossed her head. _You want me to stay?_

I didn't really, which didn't seem to hurt her feelings at all since I could feel her wishing she was at home with some ice cream.

_No_, I thought directly at her, even though there was no need to. _I'm gonna go ahead and phase back in a minute anyway. _

_Oh, yeah, I forgot you got all modest since you and Nessie hooked up. _Leah's thoughts were clear that she didn't care either way. _All right, see you in the morning. _

She took off then, and I only waited a minute and a half before I decided my leg was healed enough. I phased back and walked over to where I'd thrown my jeans and t-shirt, pulling them back on.

My leg was still a little tender when I put all my weight on it, but besides that it was fine. No limp, and there was barely a mark, which was what I had been worried about. My pants would cover it for as long as it should be an issue. It should be gone by the time I got Nessie home.

Nessie.

God, I missed her. Being away from her was torture, and so was trying to keep her out of my head enough that the guys didn't get a peek at anything they shouldn't.

It was just so hard, to think about her gorgeous hair without that leading to how it looked across her bare back as she laid in bed. To think about her beautiful laugh without that leading to thoughts of her even more beautiful moans. About how pretty her eyes were without how they looked, looking up at me as I made love to her.

I hadn't slipped up once. Not yet.

But I wasn't sure how - the only reason I could come up with was Nessie's absolute horror at the idea of anyone seeing her; that was the only thing that kept me in check. Lately, my . . . appetite for her had . . . grew. I didn't think it was possible, but it had.

I wanted her all the time - I thought I wanted her all the time before, but it was nothing compared to this. Maybe our relationship having taken the next step had something to do with it - that permission thing again. Now I knew I could have Nessie - now without any pain, and she wanted me too . . . and so I couldn't stop myself.

I actually carried a condom in my jeans now, wherever I was. It made me feel perverted, but I wasn't leaving Nessie naked on the couch or the kitchen table again to go get one.

Being with Nessie . . . fixed something inside of me, that hurting, aching part of me that was constantly aware that every second was dragging my closer to the moment when I'd have to leave her. But the second it was over and I pulled out of her heat, sweating and drained and fucking defeated, it all came back.

I was only okay when I was with her.

I knew Nessie was thinking about it too - she held me so tight now, like she was afraid I was going to slip out of her arms. And our kisses in the car before we got out and face everyone for the day kept getting longer and longer.

She was scared, and I hated it. But there was nothing I could do.

Except be with her, love her . . . try and love her enough to last a lifetime in case . . . in case I didn't have a lifetime to spend loving her.

Nessie snatched the door open before I could even get my hand on it, and I inhaled her scent deep, just looking at her. My nose burned from all the vamps, but Nessie's smell almost covered it.

Nessie just stared at me for a long time before she moved out of the way for me to come in. I stayed close to her, my instinct, protecting her from the vamps hanging around every corner. I felt her warm, tiny hand slip into mine.

Nessie pressed her face into my back and her other hand reached up to touch my side. My body literally ached at her touch. I hadn't had her since this morning, and that suddenly seemed like a really long fucking time ago.

"Hurry, Jake," she whispered, before she let go of me completely. I turned around to see her walking back towards the kitchen. I watched her go.

Nessie had taken to cooking here and just bringing it home with us, which was fine with me - more time for me to be with her. Once she was out of my sight, I started sifting through the different burning scents for Edward's.

I followed it upstairs. He was standing in the hall, talking with that stupid Egyptian vamp that made it quit raining the other day. He said he found Nessie's growth "interesting" - dumb ass. Nessie's growth didn't need to be of any interest to him.

"We're done," I told Edward from the top of the stairs. "Me and Ness are heading home, but we'll be back a little earlier than usual so I can talk to Jasper about how tomorrow should go down." He was going to drill with us. "The guys won't be here until nine like usual though."

"That's more than fine." Of course it is. "Nessie already told me goodnight as she ran from the room when she smelled you coming, but she was moving so fast I didn't get a chance to say it back, so if you could tell her goodnight from her mother and me."

"Sure, sure." I was already heading back down the stairs. Looked like I wasn't the only one eager tonight - even though I never really was. "G'night."

Nessie was already waiting in the living room with a tupperware container full of food and my keys, talking to that . . . Nahuel's aunt. I didn't like to think about him much - what was probably happening to him, and how it could've been Nessie if we hadn't been fast enough. I saw Nessie start to wrap up the conversation as she saw me coming.

I took the keys and the food from her hands and we left. As soon as we were in the car, I saw Nessie's hands shoot up to her neck. I'd braved a trip to Billy's room - which wasn't as hard as I'd thought it would be - to go through my mom's old jewelry box. I was sure she'd have a chain or something Nessie could use for my ring. To be honest, I liked the idea of Nessie wearing something of my mom's.

Nessie loved it, but as soon as we were in the car every night, the ring came off and put back in its rightful place. I didn't feel like waiting tonight though, so I started pulling out anyway, reaching my left hand over once I didn't need it to turn anymore.

Nessie slid her mark back on and then crawled up onto her knees, burying her face in my neck. I thought it was just a hug, until I felt her lips pressing into my skin. Kissing. And not those relieved, glad-to-see-you kisses. No, these were the Jacob-I-want-you kisses. God, I loved those.

Her right hand came up to cup the opposite side of my neck and hold it where she wanted it, and I tilted my head as much as I could while I was driving to make it easier for her.

She parted her lips and teeth and bit gently on the side of my neck and made the best noise, like she was sinking her teeth into a steak after not eating for three days. Her kisses were definitely hungry, and hot, and fast - my girl had missed me bad today.

"Ness . . . "

I had nothing else to say besides her name and I groaned as the hand that was on my neck started to slide down my stomach. I had already been stirring - that was the least I could hope for nowadays when I felt Nessie's touch - but now I was hard. By the time Nessie's small hand was cupping me through my jeans, I was aching.

"I missed you so much today, my Jacob." Oh, I missed you too, baby. I missed you so bad. "So much, my love."

It used to irritate the living hell out of me when Edward got up on that 'my love' shit with Bella forever ago, but hearing Nessie say it was hot. Amazing. I was her love. She was mine too - my love - but I could never get away with saying it out loud like that.

I could tell her she was beautiful, fucking amazing, sexy and hot as hell, mine and the only one I ever wanted. Nessie, baby, honey. My life, my light.

But darling, angel, love . . . those were Cullen words. I wouldn't sound right using them.

Nessie did though.

"I missed you too, baby." That was just the tip of the iceberg, but I was actually surprised I got that much out, especially with the way Nessie's palm was rubbing against me right now. "God, that feels good."

"I know." Nessie wasn't being self-centered - although with what she was doing to me right now she could be anything she wanted. The way she moaned in my ear as she said it - and her scent slowly filling they car - let me know that she was saying she felt good too. "So good."

Nessie's kisses moved up, up she side of my face until she was kissing all along my cheek and I realized just how long it'd been since I felt her lips against mine. When Nessie's kisses pressed closer to the front of my cheek, I couldn't take it anymore and turned my head off the road as much as I could to kiss her. She only got about half of my lips, but it was enough. To tide me over at least.

We were pulling into La Push now.

I hit the gas, knowing how close we were to home, and less than two minutes and probably a hundred Nessie-kisses later, we were there. I pulled up into the yard and cut the engine, and then Nessie was practically in my lap.

I leaned back to accept her, wrapping one of my arms around her waist and burying the other tight in her curls, pulling her down to my mouth. I kissed her, hard and deep, like the kisses she'd been laying on my neck the entire way here - hungry, desperate ones.

Mine.

Nessie's breath hitched into my mouth but she matched me, kissed me back just as hard, gave me all of her, straight from her mouth. Her palm came up to cup my cheek and I felt unintentional flashes of her day. The waiting and the aching and the fear and the unbearable love.

She'd heard one of the vamps make a dog comment and it bothered her. She was still thinking about it. If I was a dog, I was _her_ dog. And what were they? With their _red_ eyes . . .

Nessie curled her fist up, and I knew she had realized what she was doing. I didn't want to, but I used my fingers in her hair to pull her lips back from mine.

"I am, honey." Nessie's eyes were so . . . full, I didn't know what to do with them. "I am your dog, and proud. Don't let anything they say get to you, Nessie."

I wanted to find the fucking leech and rip him limb from limb for making my Nessie sad, but I couldn't deny we needed the bastards. Every last one of them we could get - and whatever the situation, I couldn't deny they were laying their lives down for Nessie and that had to mean they weren't pure, _complete_ evil.

Nessie ignored my hand holding her and launched back forward at my lips, making me loosen my grip on her hair so I wouldn't hurt her. She kissed me hard for a few long seconds, breaking back away with her trademark. A soft lick to my bottom lip.

"You're not a dog, Jacob." Another kiss, quick but deep. "You're a wolf. An Alpha . . . _my _Alpha."

Fuck. That got me, every time. Her Alpha.

I was her husband, and her lover and her best friend. But I was her Alpha too - to protect her, to guide her. Was it Nessie's nature to be submissive or was it because she was my soul mate? The perfect match for an Alpha male.

My mate.

I sat up, taking the control of the kiss even though it stayed the same. The desperation stayed - it was always there, lately. Every kiss a countdown. One of my hands stayed in her hair, holding her tight against me, and my other slid down to hold her waist. Nessie's tongue tentatively explored my mouth, her hands curled into fists against my shirt.

I finally got the awareness to reach over and push my door open. Nessie, already more on my side than her own, was easy to bring with me. I just wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her from the car, holding her hard against my body. I could feel every inch of her against me, her breasts pressed hard against my chest and her hips arching into my stomach.

I don't remember getting the door open - I must have left it unlocked because I know I didn't put Nessie down - I don't know if I even shut the car door. All I know was sooner or later I had her pressed against the other side of it.

My fingers scrambled under her shirt, feeling the soft skin of her waist and stomach and back, one of Nessie's legs reached up to hook around my hip. She was so beautiful and so mine and so right here, and I wanted her.

The ache got worse, built up like it did - it was really fucking weird. When we were like this, the ache was worse, driving me even faster towards the only thing that I knew would get rid of it.

Nessie's fingers pulled at my shirt, pulling it up my back as I tried to figure out whether we were going to make it to the bed. I didn't think we were. Maybe the couch - more likely the floor. Wherever we ended up, I knew Nessie would be under me. I wanted to be over every inch of her right now.

"Off, Jake," Nessie murmured in the adorable, frustrated way that she did, so I yanked away from her lips to do just that.

I had my shirt off and on the ground in record time, but just as I was pulling Nessie back to me, my stomach practically roared. I winced against it - I hadn't eaten since breakfast early that morning and it had finally had all it could take.

I tried to continue to lean in, but Nessie's hand on my chest stopped me. Her lips were swollen and red and her cheeks were flushed . . . and her eyes were concerned.

"You need to eat," she said finally, looking like she was about to cry, and turning her cheek to me when I tried to kiss her again.

It wasn't malicious, but it still hurt. She bit her lip and then reached out and pulled me back down to her for a soft kiss. Then Nessie's hands came down to mine on her waist, motioning for me to let her go.

I set her on the ground, but couldn't bare to take my hands off of her. Nessie closed her eyes tight, like she was trying to keep herself from seeing something, then leaned forward and rested her forehead on my chest for the shortest second.

"I - you go and change, Jacob, and I'll . . . get supper ready."

Then Nessie took a shaky step away from me, back against the door and then to the side. I bit my lip on a groan - it physically hurt to be away from her. Not in the lustful way - in the actual pain way. It wasn't just my lust - it was that my seconds were numbered and I had to spend yet another one of them away from her.

Nessie crossed her arms around her, tight around her body, and walked towards the kitchen. I didn't leave to change like she told me; I watched her go. I wasn't sure what she was going to fix since the food was still in the car.

But then she just walked to the sink and leaned there. I watched her bury her head in her hands and let out a shaky breath that moved her entire body.

I just stood there, frozen, watching this unguarded Nessie. Young, hurting . . . and terrified.

Every part of my body twisted.

Nessie was going through every bit of what I was feeling, all alone. I was bowing under it and I was a grown man. She was hardly a woman - a girl. A girl who'd only lived seven years, very sheltered ones, and had never lost anything.

And now she was very possibly about to lose everything.

I knew it was my fault - that I was the cause for most of her pain. She had begged me to stay; she offered to run away with me again. Leave her family and everything behind and run with me - for some inexplicable reason, I was her world.

And I was leaving. God, I hated myself.

I was stuck between two horrible choices, with an obvious answer: hurt her . . . or kill her?

There was never any question.

I should have gone to her - wrapped her in my arms and comforted her. But there was nothing I could say, no comfort I could give. And I was so close to breaking myself, when I needed to be strong for her.

I never wanted to see my girl like this.

But I didn't go to her, and I didn't hold her and I didn't try to make it better. I did one of the most cowardly things in my life - I went back out to the car for the food.

* * *

**Coming up:**

That was . . . really sexy.

I leaned forward and nuzzled Nessie's nose with mine until she lifted her head enough for me to kiss her. I let my hand slide between her thighs, tracing the inseam of her jeans with my thumb.

Nessie's scent increased again, and it had nothing to do with the damn washer.

"Does it feel as nice as when I touch you?" I was just teasing her, but it was still fun. I still loved to hear how much she wanted me. I moved away from her lips to kiss across her cheek. "Huh, Nessie?"

"No, no, of course not." Of course not. "Of course not, Jacob . . . "

I slid my free hand, the one not teasing between Nessie's legs, under her shirt to feel up her soft sides. She wrapped her arms around me harder and arched her body into mine. Still shaking a little from the washer.

I debated lifting Nessie up and carrying her to bed, but decided not to. I'd wanted to christen every inch of the house and this was one spot we hadn't made it to yet - not to mention Nessie seemed to be enjoying the attention of the washer.

Not as much as she would enjoy mine though.


	57. Spin Cycle

**_A/N:_** Here's a fresh chapter for you - something only mentioned in passing by Nessie in HoM, but that certainly happened. I had this scene in my head for a while, but it never fit in with HoM so I made sure there was time for it in Jake's side of things. I really love this chapter, so I hope y'all do too. Let me know what you think - as always!

**_Disclaimer:_** I own nothing at all, and I'm sleepy. And I've still got tons of reviews to reply before I can post this, so toodles!

* * *

Spin Cycle

* * *

_do i turn you on at all when i kiss you, baby?  
does the sight of me wanting you drive you crazy?  
do i have your love? am i still enough?_

_- luke bryan, do i_

-

"Jacob!"

I was standing tiredly in front of the microwave, watching the tupperware rotate. I demanded Nessie give me something to do when we got home, since she never let me do anything, and this was the job she gave me.

Watch the food, Jacob, and make sure it doesn't burn while I put the sheets in the washer. _Somebody _got them dirty this morning.

And that somebody was her, which I told her, making her blush. But she just kissed me and murmured that it was my fault.

So I was standing here, doing basically nothing and "waiting on the food" while Nessie put our dirty sheets in the washer.

That was until now.

I heard Nessie's voice call me, along with a loud clang and I ran, my heart seized up in my chest. It didn't let up until I saw her as she came running into the living room. We almost crashed into each other, but I caught her.

"Nessie, what's wrong?"

I looked her over. She was definitely startled, but not really scared. She took my hand and started pulling me back down the hall.

"Oh, Jacob, I think I broke the washer - I'm so sorry! I didn't do anything, I just started it like normal and I was still pulling the clothes out of the dryer when it started freaking out!"

Nessie pulled me to the center of the hall, across from the bathroom where the closet that held the washer and dryer was. It was still clanging - which I had tuned out completely as soon as I heard Nessie scream - and vibrating pretty bad. Clearly unbalanced.

Our washer was old, and it hadn't been expensive when we bought it. It wasn't hard to throw off balance - it was a drama queen. You had to lay all the clothes in just right; it'd been nice to Nessie so far, but apparently now her luck was up.

And poor Nessie had nearly been given a heart attack - you could tell she really was pulling clothes out of the dryer because the basket was on top, half full with clothes, but there were also a handful of clothes strewed in the floor from where Nessie had jumped up and came running for me.

I couldn't help it, I just started laughing.

Nessie and I hadn't laughed much lately, so I think it freaked her out. It wasn't that we were depressed - although we kind of were - it was just that humor and joking had taken a backseat to all the other things we were trying to fit in.

Like making love on every surface of the house while we still had time.

Nessie looked at me a little bit like I was crazy, which almost made me laugh harder, but her face was so adorably confused and nervous that I made myself tone it down. She winced every time the washer clanged, rocking back and forth.

"It's not broken, Nessie honey." I held back a few more chuckles. "It's just unbalanced - that happens sometimes with old washers when you put a lot of stuff in."

Hop up on it, my mom used to tell us, when we were kids and it started to do that. We always fought to be the one to get up first - I usually won until Rachel and Rebecca got smart and stopped fighting each other to double team me.

"You want me to show you how to fix it?" Nessie nodded quickly, probably still feeling bad even though she had no reason to. This was going to be funny. "Come here."

Nessie looked like she didn't want to approach the washer, but she obeyed me. I reached down and took her by the waist, lifting her up onto the shaking washer. She gasped and reached out and held me around the neck, making me laugh, but I stepped between her legs anyway.

The worst of the rocking stopped, but it kept shaking slightly. Nessie was too light to hold it down. Which was something, since I just usually held it steady with my hands.

"H-h-h-how long . . . " Nessie stopped as soon as she realized her voice wouldn't cooperate. She swallowed. "How long do I have to stay here?"

Maybe Nessie didn't like it - it might not have been as much fun as it was for me as a kid, and Nessie wasn't exactly a kid anymore either.

My eyes flashed down to Nessie's breasts. The movement of the washer gently shook her whole body - including there. My eyes were glued to the sight.

I was about to take pity on her and stop the washer with my hands when I inhaled . . . and smelled Nessie.

I brought my head back up to her face to see her blushing. She knew what I smelled. I knew all of it couldn't be from her seeing my eyes on her. The washer clanged and started vibrating a little harder than before, and Nessie bit her lip.

Her scent surged.

"Do you . . ." I let my hands slide up Nessie's thighs and she sucked in a little breath. "Does that . . . feel good . . . to you?"

"It feels . . . nice," Nessie admitted, but she didn't have to. I smelled how nice it felt. "In a . . . really weird way."

That was . . . really sexy.

I leaned forward and nuzzled Nessie's nose with mine until she lifted her head enough for me to kiss her. I let my hand slide between her thighs, tracing the inseam of her jeans with my thumb.

Nessie's scent increased again, and it had nothing to do with the damn washer.

"Does it feel as nice as when I touch you?" I was just teasing her, but it was still fun. I still loved to hear how much she wanted me. I moved away from her lips to kiss across her cheek. "Huh, Nessie?"

"No, no, of course not." Of course not. "Of course not, Jacob . . . "

I slid my free hand, the one not teasing between Nessie's legs, under her shirt to feel up her soft sides. She wrapped her arms around me harder and arched her body into mine. Still shaking a little from the washer.

I debated lifting Nessie up and carrying her to bed, but decided not to. I'd wanted to christen every inch of the house and this was one spot we hadn't made it to yet - not to mention Nessie seemed to be enjoying the attention of the washer.

Not as much as she would enjoy mine though.

Nessie let me pull her shirt off without a word, but wouldn't let me pull her back into my arms until I'd gotten rid of mine too. She had on a black bra today, a color that never failed to make her skin look delicious. Every time I saw Nessie in her bra, I remembered the first time I'd seen her, on our wedding night. I'd never seen breasts so perfect in my life.

Nessie's hands grasped my face and pulled me back to her lips, her moan vibrating in my mouth. I reached both of my hands up her back, feeling her soft skin before unlatching her bra. I reached back to pull it off her shoulders and drop it to the floor, then just look at her.

The vibrations from the washer moved her breasts even more without her bra to hold them, and I needed a taste. I reached down and grabbed Nessie by the waist, lifting her up at the same time I leaned down to pull one of her pink nipples past my lips.

Nessie moaned and clutched at my head, around my neck. I felt her fingers reach back and pull my hair out, so it fell around my face. I'd much rather keep it back and out of my way, but Nessie liked it down so down it would stay.

She tasted so sweet - and soft, like flower petals or some shit. The texture of her skin here was different too, but still like heaven in my mouth. I sucked gently for a few more seconds before I let her go, straightening back up to kiss her mouth.

Somehow I got her jeans off without pulling her down, and after that, her panties were easy. Then she was naked - my wife, naked and sitting on a vibrating washer. What man didn't want to see that?

I needed her, to calm down that festering ache in the pit of my chest, but I knew I just couldn't . . . dive in. I'd been . . . so careful this past week to be gentle. It was hard, to remember to make sure her body was prepared to take me when she was moaning _now, Jake_ in my ear, but I managed. Nearly impossible to remember to control my wolf when Nessie kept begging me _harder._

Did she not realize just how hard I could be if I let myself out of control?

My Nessie, my good girl, she knew the drill by now. She knew I wouldn't allow myself to take her if I hadn't prepared her with my fingers first. She claimed it wasn't necessary, but it certainly couldn't hurt . . . and well, I know my Nessie was impatient, but she always enjoyed it.

Sometimes she tried to fight me on it, pull my body over hers, but this time she didn't. She just leaned back, bracing her hands on the dryer and slid her body forward.

She was careful not to open her legs too wide before her body was against mine, past where I could see. Nessie was still shy about having her legs open - but I understood and I didn't push her. Still, I'd have liked to have gotten the chance to _see_ her. All of her.

That didn't matter now though - I leaned forward to make up for Nessie leaning back, and took her lips again. I wrapped one of my arms around her waist, supporting her, so she brought her hands up to wind around my neck. I felt her hips lift off of the washer, rising up towards my hand. Her scent had my head spinning. We were both in a hurry.

I let my fingers trail down to touch lightly between her legs, checking that she was ready for me, even though she always was. I touched her with the heel of my palm, and very carefully, slid my middle finger inside of her.

I bit my lip on the groan that her body always brought out of me. She just felt too good - it was otherworldly. So tight and hot and _wet. _What I wouldn't give to feel her wetness around me - just once - but I knew I couldn't risk it.

We didn't know how Nessie's body worked, how easily she could get pregnant. I _wouldn't_ do that to her.

But I would - I pressed a little further and curled my finger around that little place inside of her, making Nessie arch and whine - do that.

I did my best to take my time, but Nessie wasn't, and I didn't even get the chance to get to three fingers before she was tightening around me and gasping and calling my name. I felt the rush of wetness, and then Nessie's body relaxed. Her head fell down onto my shoulder, and her hands reached around to rub down my sides and lower back.

I wanted to melt into her, but I had to be strong.

Then her tiny hands came back, to the front of my jeans, and I felt her fingertips slip past the waistband.

"Jacob?"

Yes, baby, now.

I reached down and pulled the condom out of my pocket, keeping it closed in my hand even though there could be no doubt in Nessie's mind about what it was. She didn't like to see it. It was like those first weeks when we were running, when I slept on the floor. We both knew where I would be sleeping, but if Nessie saw me lay down in the floor, it would make her sad.

I couldn't make love to Nessie when she was sad.

Once I had gotten what I needed, Nessie knew she had the go-ahead and my button was undone a second later. She was so sweet and so careful, pulling my jeans away from my body before she drew the zipper down.

I super-healed, but that shit would still hurt.

But then the zipper was down and Nessie was leaning forward, her breasts brushing across my chest, to shove my pants down my legs. I stepped back, just long enough to step out of my jeans and kick them out of the way before I was back.

I kissed Nessie to distract her while I slid the condom on, and then I wrapped an arm around her waist again, leaning her back. Nessie slid her hips forward until they were on the very edge of the machine, and then I was there.

I slid into her carefully, but I knew what I was doing by now. We'd done this more times than I could count. Nessie bit her lip and rolled her head back as I entered her, her long hair brushing across my arm. Finally though, when I was all the way in, Nessie's brought her arms back around my neck again.

I let my hands reach back behind her, to brace against the washing machine. The added pressure from my arms made it stop shaking almost all together. I hardly noticed.

Nessie nudged my nose with hers until I lifted my head enough for her to kiss me. She only pulled back long enough to whisper, "Move, Jake."

I had no problem with that.

We were so much more comfortable with each other now. I knew what to do and what were the surest ways to make her moan and whine, but at the same time it still seemed so unreal. I still didn't fully comprehend that this was my Nessie, whose body was wrapped around mine and who was moaning my name. That she loved me so much to let be with her like this - to hurt her like this.

Because even though making love to Nessie didn't bring her pain anymore, I wasn't stupid enough to think she wasn't hurting. I couldn't get the picture of her in the kitchen that day out of my head - and I couldn't say anything about it either.

I shook my head, trying to clear it out, and slid my hips forward. Before long, the washer was rocking again, but not because it was unbalanced.

Nessie was amazing. She would be with me anywhere - she wanted me just as much as I wanted her. She even let me make love to her outside, even though she was nervous about it.

I could tell if there was anyone from near a mile around easy, even when I was distracted, but there were so many people in the woods these days. Nessie kept most of her clothes on, not really comfortable with being naked in the woods. I was, but I'd had years of practice.

I asked her over and over if she was sure until she told me to shut up, Her heart thundered, louder than usual, the whole time and I spent the rest of the night picking leaves out of her hair.

Then that time on the hood of the Rabbit - Nessie had initiated that. It was before I started carrying a condom with me, the night after I had to leave her naked and panting on the couch to go get one from the bedroom. Hardest thing I'd ever done.

I ran out to the shed while Nessie was getting supper ready just to check and see if the Rabbit still ran since it had been stagnant for so long. It stalled, but just turned out to be the battery. I was slamming the hood shut when Nessie came up behind me.

She smelled like her and the pasta she'd cooked and the air outside, hugging me from behind and pressing her cheek into my back. It was obvious from the second she kissed me where Nessie was pushing this to go, and even though we didn't have anything with us, I really couldn't find it in myself to stop us. Yet.

When I did though, right before I was about to hoist Nessie up onto the hood - because I knew if I did, that was the end of that - Nessie just shushed me.

"Don't say no, Jake." I don't want to, baby . . . "My first dream of you was here."

I suddenly remembered.

Nessie bit her lip in that adorable way and slid her hand down her hip. My brain was thinking very dirty things for a second, before I realized she was just slipping her hand into her pocket.

She came back with a condom.

It was just about the hottest thing I'd ever seen.

I knew Nessie loved me, and wanted me, but this was something else. Premeditated. Nessie wanted to have sex with me here, on the hood of my car, and she had even brought the condoms that the knew by now were kept in my bedside table.

Nessie wanted me. Now.

Who was I to tell her no?

So I made love to Nessie on the hood of the car. Nessie wore my shirt back into the house when we were done, not bothering to even put her clothes back on, just carrying them in her hand.

"More, Jake, please."

I did my best to comply with Nessie's request while still keeping the wolf at bay. If I let him loose . . .

It wasn't long before I felt the tightening in my stomach that meant I was close. I had to get Nessie there first though. But when I tried to bring my hand back between Nessie's legs, she caught it and brought it back, bracing it on the washer, right by her ass.

"I don't need it, Jacob." That might have hurt my ego if I didn't really get was she was saying - her panting and the way her body was clenching around me told me anyway though. "This is . . . enough."

I leaned down and took her lips, thrusting my hips two more times before Nessie gasped and arched against me. Unable to stop myself, I slid one of my hands under her ass, copping a feel and using it for leverage at the same time.

Nessie's body squeezing tight around me and her gasps against my neck made me empty myself into her. The washer clanged against the wall and then fell still when we did. We had been the only thing making it move for a while now.

I stayed buried inside Nessie's body, knowing real life would come back when we separated. Nessie's head fell forward onto my shoulder and she started laying hot, open-mouthed kisses there. Relieved, grateful, beautiful kisses.

I ran my hands up and down her bare back and she pulled me closer, making me slide a little deeper into her.

"My Jacob," she sighed into my skin and then just set her cheek there, resting.

My Nessie.

I closed my eyes and counted. Seven days. One week.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and slid my hands back under Nessie's ass, lifting her and carrying her back to the bedroom. We could eat later.

* * *

**Coming up:**

God, she tasted good.

Like fucking rain or some shit, something I couldn't ever really place. She was my life raft - I always felt like I was going to sink without her - and I never wanted to let her go.

Nessie's fingers came up and caught themselves in my hair, pulling just a little. I wanted her again. I'd had her less than half an hour ago, over the edge of the bed. Then on top of the bed, on her back, when I couldn't be away from her face anymore.

And now it was almost like none of that had even happened - that was how bad I wanted her. My body couldn't even tell - the memory did nothing except make me even hotter.

_She _made me hotter.


	58. One Hand

**_A/N:_** Here's what I think is a very important chapter - poor Jake. And I'm sure you true Jacob fans recognize the song, which I'm in love with by the way. And it just so happened to fit perfectly with the chapter - and I think you can tell from the preview, that coming up in the next chapter is something you've all been waiting for. :)

Enjoy - and let me know what you think! Hope you guy's new year's rocked!

**_Disclaimer:_** Thank Katie for the chapter title, once again. I swear, I'm ridiculously dependent on the woman.

* * *

One Hand

* * *

_outside the door he stands  
his head in his hands  
and his heart in his throat_

_- ok go, shooting the moon_

-

"I have to go."

I didn't want to - God knows I didn't want to have to get up and leave and face another day away from her. It was hell - but it was what I had to do.

Nessie shook her head and made a little noise that let me know she wasn't down with that idea, sitting up further in her seat and reaching to cup my cheek. She opened her mouth for me, knowing I wouldn't be able to resist that. I not only fell for the bait, I swooped in for it - rubbing my fingers across the soft hair behind her ear and pulling her mouth even closer to mine so my tongue could go deeper.

God, she tasted good.

Like fucking rain or some shit, something I couldn't ever really place. She was my life raft - I always felt like I was going to sink without her - and I never wanted to let her go.

Nessie's fingers came up and caught themselves in my hair, pulling just a little. I wanted her again. I'd had her less than half an hour ago, over the edge of the bed. Then on top of the bed, on her back, when I couldn't be away from her face anymore.

And now it was almost like none of that had even happened - that was how bad I wanted her. My body couldn't even tell - the memory did nothing except make me even hotter.

_She _made me hotter.

I needed her, all the time, and I hated that I only had five more fucking days until I had to leave her.

Five. One hand.

Nessie's tongue lapped against mine, and she whined, low in her throat. I gathered up every bit of strength I had, and used it to pull away from her.

I came back though - for one, two, three soft kisses.

Nessie sighed and her fingers in my hair tightened a little more.

"Let's go." Her eyes stunned the fuck out of me when they fluttered up to mine. "Before I lose it again."

Of course, baby girl. I'm so sorry that we can't lose it right now.

We'd lost it pretty bad last night - or I had. My lust was stronger than it had ever been, and I couldn't get enough of Nessie. I had her four times, not counting the morning. On the living room floor, in bed, and then in the shower. Then in bed again.

It was insane. I couldn't get enough of her body. I wanted to kiss and lick down every inch of her. I wanted to fucking swallow her whole. She was mine and I never wanted to be away.

"Okay," I forced myself to say, and then lean back.

Nessie leaned back into her seat too, shaking a little, and she watched while I pulled my hair out and redid it. If I walked in there like that, every vamp in the place would take one look and know what we'd been doing.

Nessie started smoothing back her own hair, but I hadn't done too much damage. Her clothes were fine - I hadn't gotten to them yet. It was only supposed to be a goodbye kiss, after all.

Nessie relaxed back into her seat and looked at me. Slow and steady, running her eyes over my body from top to bottom. Then she sat back up and put her hand on my thigh. I was wearing shorts and not jeans, so I could feel her touch even better than usual.

She leaned in and kissed the corner of my lips.

"I have to get out now, Jake, or I never will," she whispered, and just her voice - let alone her smell - was enough to make me ravenous to take her again. Then Nessie's hand flipped over, face up, and slid across my hips. "Hand?"

I got it. My ring.

Feeling kind of shitty about it, but used to it by now, I pulled my ring off and put it in Nessie's hand. It looked so huge there. Her tiny fist closed around it, and then she looked up at me. I kissed her, just once.

Then she pulled back and got out of the car. Shit.

I got out too, and watched her until she was in the house. Not out of fear for her safety, because there were allies everywhere. Just because I knew it would be nearly a whole day before I saw her again. So many fucking wasted hours.

The end of her ponytail brushed along her waist and her hips swayed as she walked up the stairs. Those jeans made her ass look amazing. I wanted to bend her over something, as fucking crude as that sounded. I think the kitchen table would be our first stop when we got home tonight.

Once she was inside, out of my sight, I kicked at the tire in frustration. Not hard enough to break it, but just enough to release a little tension. The guys were already waiting in the woods, just past the clearing - I could hear them. There was no reason to go inside.

I was getting ready to head off that way when the front door swung open again. I froze, hoping against hope that it was somehow Ness, back for another kiss. But it wasn't.

Just Eddie, the pixie, and Doctor Vamp.

What could they want?

They mostly left the wolves' training to me, only stepping in when we needed a demonstration or sparring partners. Maybe Jasper the Crazy General wanted to run more vamp/wolf drills, but I honestly didn't think that was a good idea. It was hard enough to control instincts when sparring with opposite packs, even ones who were once brothers.

If we pitted wolves against vamps, even "friendly" ones, it wouldn't go down well.

"What's up?" I asked as they approached.

I held my hand up high at the pixie, like I wanted a high-five. It was funny because she was so damn short. She could always jump - which she did - but it still made me laugh.

I offered Doc a fist pound because it made him uncomfortable. He awkwardly bumped my fist back.

Edward stepped forward. He ignored my fist.

"Jacob." I'd heard that voice before - a little over three fucking months ago - and I didn't like it. "We need . . . to talk."

"About what?" Please God, not -

"Leaving."

Anything but that - or Nessie. Fuck.

"Yeah . . . what about it?"

We have to put it off - the Volturi have decided we're not worth it. We didn't have to fight this fight right now.

"Alice has seen . . . " The end of that sentence could change every fucking thing. I couldn't breathe - I'd never been so scared or so happy that she couldn't see my wife. "Something that may give us a . . . definite advantage."

That - that was definitely good.

"Well, what is it?"

"The Volturi don't know that we know about their plan to attack." God, I hated that fucking word. That name. "Aro has been lulled into a sense of security by his possession of Nahuel - I never thought him to become so complacent. He thinks, combined with his distant relationship from us and Nahuel to fog Alice's vision, Alice wouldn't see their decision."

Okay . . . this we already knew.

"They're feeling smug that they're going to take us by surprise." I'm sure they are. Won't be so smug when I sink teeth into the bastards. "They know, of course, that they'll be sensed when they draw near, but they're counting on us still being so shocked and scattered that we'll be easy to take down."

Yeah. And?

"Us being prepared will already shock them, but to give us even more of an advantage . . . "

"Spit it out, Edward."

"Alice thinks an ambush would give us the best opportunity of coming out with the least casualties."

"Okay . . . "

That was good, less casualties was great, but . . .

"And to ambush them - meet them in a place they're not expecting - requires that we leave . . . sooner."

_Fuck._

I couldn't argue with the logic - an ambush made sense - but . . .

"How soon?"

"In order to pose enough of a surprise to . . . make a considerable difference in the threat we would pose . . . "

What the fuck was with all the pausing?

"Edward," I heard my voice growl.

"We would need to leave in two days. Two days, Jacob."

My brain . . . stopped.

I had five days. Not two. Not . . .

"O-okay." What else was there? Nothing. "I'll . . tell the guys, I guess."

That was all there was.

I would give anything for more time - anything except Nessie's safety. Fuck.

Nessie. _Fuck._ What was I gonna tell her?

Oh, my baby.

My stomach did that thing where it started eating itself again. I didn't want anything besides to run back into that house and grab my wife and take her home and lose myself in her for the next two days.

I wanted to crush my body against her and fucking lose it - but I knew I couldn't do that. I could never really lose it with her.

I had to _tell_ her.

But first I had to tell the guys.

I turned around and left, without another word.

I walked, slow. Super fucking slow. I didn't want to be the one to bring this news to anybody. Everybody was already there, most of them sparring playfully. Seth, Brady, and Jared were still human, leaning back against tree trunks and watching the others go at it.

They nodded at me as I walked up. Everybody - the imprinted guys, at least - had been a lot more low key as our days got lower. It was about to get a lot more fucking low key than this.

"Hey," I said, to get attention, and because I didn't really know what else to say. "I need you guys . . . to phase back for a minute."

There was an immediate blurring all around as wolves phased back and pulled on whatever clothes they had tied to them. Leah came out from behind the bushes a second later, pulling an old tank-top over her head, and then everybody was there.

And they were all looking at me. Even Sam.

"Okay." I clapped my hands together, not sure why. My stomach hurt so fucking bad, and it had nothing to do with saying this - the reason was a couple of dozen yards behind me in the house. "Alice . . . has seen something, to give us a sharper advantage."

It was like a . . . ruffle moved through the packs as they took that in. Kinda like dominos, the way everybody's posture and demeanor changed. Weight shifting, arms crossing - or uncrossing. Throats clearing.

"When do we leave?"

Sam. The Dad. Fuck.

"Two days."

No one was phased, but they didn't have to be for me to know what was inside their heads.

Everything after that was a blur.

Everybody was jittery. I promised to do what I could to get them out of here early. Now that we were leaving, traveling off to meet them - three days of travel, actually - there was a lot more to think about.

Things were moving faster than we were expecting and there were still things to settle.

The Cullens joined us, except for Momma Vamp, which made me feel better - like Ness wasn't alone in that house full of leeches. The others, it didn't matter to them when we left - they had no loved ones. Time was an irrelevant thing to them.

We talked everything over - there was now the very, extremely, _crucially_ important situation of the imprints. Of Nessie. Who would stay with her? She could not be alone, unprotected.

The Volturi wasn't the only thing out there.

The other imprinted guys felt the same. So it was finally decided, with help from Alice, that they would all stay at the big house. Expected - predictable, yeah, but there was really no safer place.

It had let down titanium shields and a complete security system. And Nessie would be comfortable there. It was big enough for all of them. Blondie was sent for groceries, to make sure the house was equipped for six women.

Esme would stay with them.

She wasn't a fighter - she would be more of a liability than an asset in the battle . . . but she _could_ fight. And she would protect my wife with her life, of that I was sure.

But still . . . I was uneasy. I trusted Esme with Nessie, she was her grandmother and would defend to the death, but . . .

To put it straight, she was a vampire. And I - if I couldn't be there for Nessie, I - I wanted one of my kind. Nessie needed a wolf with her.

I wasn't an option - Alice could tell that much. I didn't even bother asking. I couldn't shirk this - this was my fight, for my imprint, and I wouldn't run from it.

I definitely wanted one of the old guys. Leah was an option - she was a woman, and she would be in a house filled with women - she was more than capable. But no . . .

I had to choose an imprinted wolf. It would be cruel to force someone who had the most to lose to go in the place of someone who had much less - especially when there was a space.

I could have chosen Seth - so young, just meeting his imprint. Or Quil, my old best friend, with his own child imprint. It would be so, _so_ cruel for Claire to have to grow up without her other half. To lose her lifetime with her soul mate.

Jared too - he had a wife, an imprint he was bound to as strongly as us. I guess. I had a hard time believing anyone was bound as hard as Nessie was bound to me.

Paul would have made sense - my sister's mate. I loved my sister - she deserved a chance at forever. She carried the bloodline, strongest after myself . . . I hated to think it, but Paul's sons would be leaders.

If . . . if mine weren't around to be.

But I couldn't choose any of them, and I knew that from the beginning.

Sam. He was an imprint - the "original" imprint. He had a wife - the woman who was my mother in the beginning when we were just getting used to being bound. But that wasn't the reason.

Sam had children. Babies. Two of them.

And children needed a father to grow up. I would never be able to face Sam's children if . . . if I made it back and he didn't. Because I'd given someone else the chance over him.

I would _not._

"Sam will stay too," I decided. Edward just looked at me, already knowing what was inside my head. "For protection."

"I'll fight, Jacob." Sam's voice was strong - and Alpha's tone - but for once it didn't bother me. I needed an Alpha watching my girl. "I'm not afraid."

"Did I say you were?" That didn't mean I would let him assert his dominance over mine. "You have children, Sam, and you need to be there to watch them grow up."

"My loyalty is to my pack."

There was no dominance in the statement. He wasn't trying to persuade me - God knew he didn't want to leave all he had - but he was informing me. A wolf was never a coward - he wasn't just fighting for my wife, he would be fighting for his too.

"Your family is your pack, Sam."

And that was all there was to that.

Most of Sam's pack was gone by noon. The imprinted wolves stayed to help give input on the fate of their imprints. Embry and Leah stayed too.

Finally, it was agreed. We would depart at ten o'clock on the day after tomorrow. Sam and Esme would stay with the imprints - who Leah would bring to the house first thing in the morning. As soon as the house was cleared of vampers.

Everybody agreed that they were okay with the Cullens, but that everyone else had to go before the imprints stepped foot on this land.

It was getting dark by the time we got everything settled. My stomach was eating itself again - burning like I'd swallowed bleach or some shit. I had to tell Nessie. I had to _leave_ Nessie.

I was going to hurt her.

I was gonna die.

Everyone hugged me before they left. I knew I wouldn't see them again until we met here to leave.

Quil, I could tell, was feeling antsy. I knew he want wanting Claire, bad - we were all fucking shifting in place and twitching around. But he just couldn't go run into his house and grab his imprint - she lived an hour away. She was a child. She had a family he had to be very careful around.

Seth was nervous as shit too. His girl wasn't in on the secret - and he had to make up an excuse now, not only for an extended absence, but for her to come be under lockdown at the Cullens.

Not to mention that none of us knew . . . if we would ever come back home.

I wish . . . I wish that were . . . fucking spirit warriors like my ancestors. It would kill me, break me to separate my soul from Nessie . . . but I would give anything to leave her with something. As morbid as it sounds.

If - if I was lost in this fight, there would be nothing of me to bring back. But if I could leave her with my body - fight with my spirit . . . then I could come back to her. Wake up in her arms.

But no. God.

Fucking fucked up supernatural evolution had to make us wolves. Goddamn it.

"See you, Jake," Leah said, and pounded my back. Hugging like a guy - what else would you expect?

"Where you heading tonight, man?" I managed to ask Embry as I hugged him.

My best bet would be one of his hookups places. I hated to think of him being so . . . alone though. He was one of my best friends.

"I'm, uh . . . I think I'm gonna go home." I knew he didn't mean the shitty apartment he shared with Quil - which would be empty tonight anyway. "See my Mom. I haven't for a minute."

Embry's relationship with his mom was . . . rough to say the least.

It had to do with the years of sneaking out and lying to go on patrol and protect La Push and then being labelled as a rebellious teenager. With watching it break his mom's heart and not be able to even do anything about it.

She couldn't know . . . I mean, he was forbidden to tell, and I understood that part. But it must have been hard as shit for him.

Then when things slowed down, he started doing the partying and sleeping around thing and that only drove it home in his mom's eyes. They grew apart. I believed him when he said he hadn't seen her for a minute.

At least he wouldn't be alone.

"Cool."

Then he was gone too, and I was alone. The Cullens wandered off when things started winding down, letting me be alone with my pack.

I inhaled deep and tried to brace myself. When I did, I caught a scent.

No, not alone.

"Jacob." Sam walked up to me, holding his hand out. It was still kinda weird sometimes, being bigger than him. "I . . . thank you for what you did today. I know it wasn't for me - but you truly are a good man. The true Alpha."

"It has nothing to do with being an Alpha, Sam, or even a wolf." I thought, for just a second, about Nessie. Something that had fluttered through my mind a hundred thousand times - Nessie with her stomach rounded and not flat, beautiful and not sickly how Bella had been. "It has to do with being human."

"I still can't thank you enough." I took his hand and he pulled me into a hug. I could feel the pure relief radiating off of him. Sam got to stay with his wife. For a minute, I hated Sam. "Emily . . . she's been - been really scared lately."

I could imagine. I didn't have to imagine. I had seen it.

The image of Nessie leaning against the sink seared through my mind, burning.

"So go home and tell her." I wasn't talking to Sam, but he didn't have to know that. "I'll see you in a few days."

Two days.

Sam nodded and jogged off. Now I had to go.

I had never wanted something so bad and been so scared at the same time. I needed Nessie right now - especially now that my time had just got cut in half, but . . .

I didn't want to do this.

I needed a plan. I walked up to the big house slower than I ever had.

I would tell her in bed, I think. Because I definitely needed her, bad. The table idea was to shit now though - no way that was happening. I would have her in bed.

Tonight was our last night. My stomach twisted even harder when I realized that.

Nessie and me talked it over - one of the few times we skirted around this subject - and we agreed to spend the last night up here at the big house. She needed to be close to her family. Tonight was my last night.

Oh, God. If all the food in my stomach hadn't been long digested, I would have thrown up.

I could feel the pull behind my navel, guiding me towards my imprint. Like a drug, I needed her to function. To breathe and think right and _act_ right, even though I never could act right when I was under the influence of her.

Fuck, what if I never got that again? What if tonight was the last time?

Could I deal with that?

I stepped up onto the top step and the front door yanked wide open, revealing no other than my Nessie. With her copper hair and creamy white skin and dangerous curves.

Her scent hit my nose, a second late.

I had my answer.

No. No, I couldn't. But I would have to.

* * *

**Coming up:**

Holy. Fuck.

That was when Nessie's body started moving.

She fucking . . . rolled her hips and slid her shoulders back. I was frozen. She tipped her head forward so her hair fell in front of her face, probably trying to hide her blush, but that only made me feel less guilty about not being able to tear my eyes away from her body.

Then she turned around, so her back was facing me. Oh, dear God. I wasn't sure if I was thankful or fucking pissed that my shirt was so damn big on her.

Until it slid off onto the floor.

I think I growled.


	59. Dancing on the Fucking Edge

**_A/N:_** Hello, hello, I am back bearing updates! Here's the affectionately termed Dancing Chapter. I know a lot of you have been waiting for it. It's a lot more desperate from Jacob's point of view, since he already knows the bad news he's about to have to share with Nessie. He does manage to lose himself for a few seconds though. Now you get to see what was going on inside his head. :)

So read this, feel sorry for Jake and Nessie and situation they're in, and then tell me about it! lol.

**_Disclaimer_**: I own nothing, although I actually did pick out the title and the lyrics this chapter. :)

* * *

Dancing on the Fucking Edge

* * *

_everything i am, and everything in me  
wants to be the one you wanted me to be  
i'd never let you down, even if i could  
and give up everything, if only for your good_

_- 3 doors down, when i'm gone_

-

The ride home was torture.

Nessie was so close and sweet-smelling and beautiful. And it literally made my body ache with lust. Then for a whole other reason when I remembered I how long before I lost her.

I was so fucking on edge, and I was sure Nessie would sense it. But she seemed a little on edge herself - was it possible that she knew?

No. No, I think I would definitely know if she did.

Her small hand stayed on my thigh the whole way there. My body was fighting with my heart which was fighting with my soul which was fighting with my mind.

Somehow, we made it home.

Once we were in the door though, I realized I couldn't wait anymore. The bed plan would have to work, because I needed her now.

But when I reached out to pull her against me - to feel her for what might be the very last time . . . she resisted.

"Let me change really fast." You don't have to change - you'll be more comfortable naked. "Go sit down and I'll be there in a minute."

She pushed my chest gently, guiding me back towards the living room. It hurt to be away from her - especially now - but I had no choice but to listen to her. Her heart was thrumming so fast.

But I just nodded and did what she told me. I would wait forever for her, if I only had forever to wait.

I stepped out of my shoes as I walked into the living room, leaving them on the floor. Who gave a fuck? I pulled my shirt over my head and threw it somewhere - damn uncomfortable thing. I laid back on the couch and waited.

My body hurt. I needed Nessie.

What was she doing?

Soon, though, I heard her heart - still thrumming a little too fast. I looked up as her scent got close, just in time to see Nessie coming into the room.

I sat up.

She was in my shirt again, my dress shirt. Looking like every fantasy I ever had. She had her hair down around her face, all messy and gorgeous. She had sex hair and I hadn't even got to her yet.

She walked over to the other side of the coffee table and leaned down. Her cheeks were flaming.

"If you laugh at me, I'm going to kill you."

She flashed me her sexy smile, and I felt confused. I didn't realize she had her ipod in her hand until she set it on the speaker port sitting on the table. Didn't realize that was there either.

I did recognize the song coming through the speakers though.

I looked Nessie over one more time. The sexy ass clothes, the song, the red cheeks. My brain was spinning at top speed to add it all up.

Holy. Fuck.

That was when Nessie's body started moving.

She fucking . . . rolled her hips and slid her shoulders back. I was frozen. She tipped her head forward so her hair fell in front of her face, probably trying to hide her blush, but that only made me feel less guilty about not being able to tear my eyes away from her body.

Then she turned around, so her back was facing me. Oh, dear God. I wasn't sure if I was thankful or fucking pissed that my shirt was so damn big on her.

Until it slid off onto the floor.

I think I growled.

Nessie was in front of me in a white t-shirt and some red panties, the sexiest-ass panties . . . the ones that looked kinda like shorts, but shorts so small they weren't decent for anything but . . . this. They barely covered half her ass.

How was I still alive?

She swung her ass back in my direction and my mouth dried out. Oh, God. This woman. She had planned this, to do this for me. She was trying to kill me and save the Volturi the trouble.

I shifted in my seat and . . . adjusted my shorts. Too bad - and I felt a little guilty thinking this, but kinda not - Nessie didn't know what a lap dance was. This - but close up? Fuck.

I wanted her so bad, but I didn't want to miss a second of this.

My lust got a little bit easier to manage when she turned back to face me - for about two seconds. Until she rolled her body like a fucking pro and reached down and started pulling up her shirt.

She was wearing that Mickey Mouse shirt, and it took me way back to the first time I saw her in it. Shit was definitely different now - maybe a little too different.

I felt like that damn wolf from the old cartoons when that red-headed woman walked past. That was us. She was too damn sexy and I couldn't stand it.

I watching the smooth, flat plane of her stomach roll as the shirt moved higher and higher. She had to have been practicing. I could tell she still felt awkward, but there was nothing to be awkward about - she was fucking glorious.

She stopped right before she got to her bra - I wanted to see if it was red like those panties - and I was a little disappointed she didn't plan to take it off. But I had asked Nessie for a dance - I would never ask her to strip.

But damn, did I love those red panties.

Nessie followed the beat and brought her hands up near her neck, bracing her feet and rolling her body from the top of her stomach all the way down to her hips. Woman was a fucking belly-dancer. God help me.

She was so beautiful. She was mine. And the more I watched her, the hotter I got. The more I loved her. The deeper my head sunk into fucking darkness.

Look at her - whole and beautiful and mine. And I had to leave her? I had to leave this?

Why couldn't we be normal? Even just a little? Why couldn't I just get up in the morning and eat breakfast and kiss my wife goodbye and go off to work - run patrol or fix cars or what the hell ever - and then come home and eat supper and make love to my wife until we both fell asleep?

Why couldn't I give my wife what she wanted, because I had to be so hell-bent on protecting her life from leeches? I couldn't be as close to her as she wanted - I couldn't give her a baby. I couldn't know what it was like to be wrapped tight in her wet heat, knowing that . . . we could be making a life.

God, and she wanted it so bad. I saw it in her eyes every time she saw the condom.

And I couldn't give it to her - when she gave me . . . gave me everything I ever wanted. Look at her - dancing for me like that. Something I'd mentioned once, months ago.

I didn't think I could hold out much longer, seeing her like that.

There was a part of me though that looked past Nessie's embarrassment, which I could see clearly on her pink cheeks. Didn't she know what she was doing to me?

Then she turned so her back was facing me again, and the music dropped. Nessie did too, and I was suddenly standing up.

She started bringing her hips slowly back up - fucking grinding it, man - and then I was against her.

I reached out and wrapped an arm tight around her waist so she wouldn't get unbalanced by the pressure from my body, and let her keep making her way back up. She was so short that her ass was pressed against my legs and my hard on was pressing into her back.

God, woman . . .

"Are you trying to kill me, Nessie?" I didn't know how to dance, but my ears heard the music and my body felt the much softer body against me, and somehow I started to move. "You expect me to just sit there and watch that like a good boy, huh?"

Nessie didn't say anything back, but her scent spoke for itself. Apparently my dancing skills were good enough - honestly, I wasn't even thinking about that now. Nessie shivered against me.

"I can't watch you like that and not touch you." Nessie's head came back to rest against my chest for a second - a moment of weakness I wasn't allowed to have. I could have this though. "Not feel you."

Do you feel me, Nessie?

"How about you feel this?"

I didn't even have time to register what was happening before Nessie was out of my arms, dropping it again. But this time when she brought it back up, her ass rubbed all the way up my legs.

My knees almost buckled. Fucking tease.

I pulled her the rest of the way up, back up against me, and started dancing harder than before. What was she doing to me?

I didn't have time to even start to figure that out before she was turning in my arms, to face me, and dipping _again. _Except this time, when she came back up, she . . . fucking _nuzzled_ my hard on with her nose. All my muscles tightened.

What in the _fuck _was she doing? I - I'd told her not to . . . I just. . . she couldn't just put her face against me like that and expect me not to . . . God.

I saw the flash in her eyes, and her head tilt. She was getting ready to touch me with her mouth - and I wanted it so fucking much it made me mad.

She _knew_ not to push me like that.

I couldn't let her put her mouth on me - I wouldn't be able to stop it then. I pulled her straight up my body. Into my arms, and Nessie knew just what to do. She wrapped her arms around my neck and her legs around my waist and kissed me back, hard and fast. I held her with my hands against her ass. Nessie ground her hips against me, making the muscles in my stomach tense.

"You trying to tease me, Nessie?" I was surprised when Nessie actually nodded into my mouth. So she _was_ trying to tease me. On instinct, I smacked her ass. A little harder than I meant to - the sound was pretty loud. Nessie whined. "That's not very nice of you."

I massaged her ass where I'd smacked, trying to take any of the sting out. I never wanted to hurt her.

"You wouldn't like it very much if I teased you."

I felt Nessie disagree, strongly, through our connection. Her hands on my back. I felt her think she would enjoy me teasing her very, very much.

"Really?" I felt Nessie realize what was going on, and then the connection sealed. "We'll see about that."

I wanted to make her beg.

God, I was fucked up in the head. But I just wanted control - control over something, anything. I could control this though, now. Nessie liked me to be in control.

Slowly, I walked us over to the couch and set Nessie down, kneeling between her legs like I had on our wedding night. But now I had different intentions - the music was still playing, after all. The dance wasn't over.

I cupped Nessie's neck and pulled her lips to mine, kissing her in time with the music. It wasn't hard - it was like dancing, where you just let the beat guide you. When the music deepened, I kissed Nessie deeper. When it lightened, I drew back.

It was actually nice to have guidelines, because I wasn't sure if I was strong enough to tease her on my own.

The song ended, but then it started again. Repeat. Yes.

I could do this for as long as my body could hold out.

I slid my hands up to tug Nessie's shirt up over her breasts, breaking away from her lips so I could see. It was the red bra. Hot damn. Nessie lifted her arms so I could pull her shirt off, and the movement made her breasts press together. God.

Once the shirt was clear of her head but still around her arms, the music dipped, so I brought my hands back down her sides, teasing. Then I finally came back up and finished pulling her shirt off.

I dropped it to the floor and then pushed Nessie back, laying over her. Finally. I lifted her thigh and set it over my hip, rolling them into her like I did when we were dancing. This was much easier. More like actually dancing, except way hotter.

I took my time, kissing and touching and feeling, all in time with the music. I wanted her to be so fucking turned on that when I finally gave in, she exploded. I wanted to make her lose it.

I turned Nessie's body into a playground.

I wasn't an idiot. I knew what I was doing. I was trying to lose myself - forget about what I had to do like that would make it go away. But right then, I didn't care.

I had this small, soft, curvy body against me, almost naked, writhing and moaning. Beautiful skin and a beautiful voice and a beautiful fucking soul. I couldn't think about anything besides this right now.

I slid down the straps of Nessie's bra and kissed her shoulders, finally making my way back to the clasp. But right when I was about to unhook it, the music jumped, so I knew I had to too, and I slid my hand back down into the arch of her back.

Nessie whined and pressed her body harder against mine, trying to get me to break the rhythm, but I wouldn't. I wouldn't let myself. If I did, then this was over, and it couldn't be over yet.

Finally though, I got her bra off, the music speeding up and letting me pull it off in one swift movement. I pushed Nessie gently against the couch so I could look at her, settling back between her legs. God, her breasts were perfect - round and full and soft. Her body was art.

I leaned in and started kissing her neck, since I knew she'd like that, but not as much as she'd like my mouth in other places. I still was teasing, after all. I let my tongue sneak out to taste her skin when the music let me.

Then . . . Nessie started moving with me. Not just writhing and wriggling like she had been, but arching her body against mine . . . in time with the music. Cooperating.

What a good girl.

God, I wanted her so bad.

But I took my time. I sucked each one of her perfect breasts and kissed across her stomach. I couldn't allow myself to go too low though, where the scent of her . . . arousal got too strong. Too tempting. I knew Nessie was entirely too shy to ever let me do that.

Finally, though, finally I got to the panties. They were hot as shit - I loved them, I'd remember them forever - but now I wanted them _off_.

"Jacob - "

I looked up from pulling Nessie's panties down her legs - her voice was so small - and she was so far gone, she even forgot to keep her legs shut tight. It was only a flash, but more than I usually got.

I knew what she wanted, what she was asking for, so I just laid back over her and slipped a finger into her wetness. I gritted my teeth against the sensation - so tight and hot and _wet. _What I'd give to feel this around me, just like this, but I knew that wasn't possible.

Thankfully, the beat was cooperating, and I got a second and then third finger inside Nessie easily. It jumped and I pressed my thumb into that small place that always got the best reaction.

"Jacob - please - " She was begging me. That was so fucking hot. "I - won't tease you anymore, I'm - sorry - "

So being teased _wasn't_ as fun when you weren't the one doing it.

"You're not." I loved this. I loved this control she gave me - that she trusted me _so_ much to give her control over to me like this. I kissed her. "And I'm not either." I'd never be sorry for this. "Why don't you say what you really mean?"

"Please give me - " I'll give you anything. "Please let me - "

"Let you what, Nessie?" I wanted to hear it. I needed to hear her voice say it. I couldn't stay with her - I might not be able to give her forever, but I could give her this. Now. And I wanted to hear her say it. "Ask me for what you need from me."

What nobody else can give you. Nobody but me. No one has ever touched you like this or seen you like this or loved you like this - only me. And only me until I die.

"Please let me - finish, Jake - please - "

Of course, baby. Anything for you.

I leaned down and kissed her - her soft, full, _amazing_ lips - and broke the rhythm. Finding the new one, the one Nessie's body needed and not the one from the music. I felt her body sag and heard her sigh in relief.

Then her arms were tight around my neck, pulling me down hard against her, so hard it made it difficult to keep up the rhythm between her legs, but I managed. I braced my elbow on the edge of the couch and palmed Nessie's soft breast with my other hand.

Her nipple slipped into the space between two of my fingers and I brought them together, pinching lightly. Then she was tightening around me and gasping and I felt the rush of wetness that meant I succeeded.

"Oh, God - God, Jacob, yes . . . _yes_ . . . "

Yes was right. She had never been so . . . vocal. I was lucky if I got a fuck and my name a few times. But this . . . this was good for her. I could tell by the way her hips worked against my hand and by the way she just _kept_ fucking talking.

"Fuck, Jake . . . _oh_."

And then it was over. I slipped my fingers from her body when she started to whimper and wiped them on my shorts so I wouldn't finally give in and taste her and freak Nessie the hell out.

I pulled back from her lips with a soft sound. Her eyes fluttered open.

I don't think she remembered anything she'd said.

"Th-thank you, Jacob." She leaned up and brushed her nose against mine. She reminded me of a puppy when she did that, even though I did it too. Her voice was so small. "I'm sorry."

I was . . . shocked as fuck. Did she . . . did she think I was angry with her? _Punishing_ her for teasing me?

"Nessie . . . you don't honestly think I'm . . . _mad_ at you, do you?" She didn't say anything, but she didn't have to. "I - I was just getting you back, like - like we always do." I kissed her, trying to be tender to make up for before. "Playing. If - if you wanted or needed me to stop, you could have just asked."

That wasn't the complete truth - I wasn't exactly playing. But I wasn't punishing her either - I never wanted to make her feel ashamed for . . . for being so goddamn perfect.

But she just smiled tiredly. I couldn't not smile when she did, and when I smiled back, our lips brushed.

Nessie's hand slipped down between our bodies and started stroking me through my shorts - and reality crashed back down on my head. Fuck.

I reached my hand down and caught hers. "Let's eat first, baby."

You're gonna need your strength for what's coming up.

Nessie nodded, looking a little sad, and I eased myself off of her. I took at second to take her in, naked and sprawled out on my couch, my wife.

She sat up and I watched the way it made her body move, her breasts bouncing a little and her hair sliding back. The way she squeezed her thighs together. I picked her panties up from the ground at my feet as she stood up. God, she had the best ass.

I watched her look around for her panties while I turned them the right way in my hands. Then she looked up and saw me holding them. Her eyes changed, just a little.

"Step in, Ness."

She did, letting me pull her panties all the way up her legs and over her hips. She found her shirt and pulled it on, covering her beautiful breasts and stomach and back. I could still see her nipples, teasing me through the white material of her shirt.

I pulled her hair out from the back of her shirt and popped her round ass again, enjoying the way she jumped.

Then she took my hand and pulled me back into the kitchen, and my stomach fucking contracted. I hated what I had to do.

Nessie made Chinese stir-fry and chocolate chip cookies. Fucking delicious as always, but for the first time, food made me sad. This would probably be the last meal of Nessie's that I ate, for a while at least. If not ever.

I took my time.

And as good as it was, I wasn't hungry. Nessie hovered over me while I ate, brushing back my hair and refilling my drink and being perfect. Asking me if the food was okay. I told her it was, remembering to say 'fuck' at least once so she'd believe me, but it was hard. I couldn't think about anything else now besides what was coming.

When I finally finished what was on my place, Nessie tucked a strand of my hair back behind my ear and asked if I was still hungry. I shook my head. She asked me if I didn't like the food.

Shit. That was the last thing I wanted.

"No, Nessie, it was great - it always is."

It sounded wrong, even to my own ears, but I didn't know how to fix it.

When she held out the plate of cookies for me, her eyes wide, I only took one. I wished I could shovel them in like I normally would, since I loved how that made her eyes light up - and God knows they smelled good - but I just didn't think my stomach could take it.

Nessie usually washed the dishes after supper, but she didn't tonight. I took a bite off my cookie while I watched her pop up onto her toes to set everything into the sink. Still just wearing those red panties and her Mickey Mouse t-shirt.

I took the last swig of my tea to make the cookie go down and stood up. This was it. I held my arm out and Nessie leaned into my side, fitting perfectly, since she belonged there.

"You about ready for bed, Ness?"

I knew she was. I knew what she was expecting, and it wasn't what I had in store for her. I hated that.

Nessie nodded and followed me into my room. I shut the door behind us like always - I usually just liked how private and closed off from the world it made us feel, but tonight I was just wasting time. When I turned back around, Nessie's eyes flashed and she reached down and gripped the hem of her t-shirt. Ready to pull it back up over my head.

I forced myself to reach my hand out to stop her.

No. I would do this first. I wouldn't use Nessie to comfort myself and then hurt her. I would never.

I pulled Nessie with me as I sat back on the bed, my back against the headboard. She curled up, without a word, in my lap and pressed her cheek into my shoulder. I wrapped one of my arms around her waist and let the other one slide down to trace patterns on her hip.

It wasn't fair that God made my shitty life so perfect, and then wanted to take it away. It wasn't _fair_ that I had to hurt the one person who always did everything in their power to make sure _I _went without hurting. The girl that loved me so much, but was still ready to see me with someone else - God, it must have killed her.

If she's what you need . . .

Those had been her exact words.

"Nessie." It had never taken me more effort to say her name. "I have to tell you something."

And I'm so, _so_ fucking sorry.

* * *

**Coming up:**

I'd never hurt like this before. I'd never been away from this body, this girl, for more than two days. And those had been torture. My bones ached without her. My heart hurt at just the thought. I would be broken. A broken man.

But my teeth would still be sharp and I'd punish every single one of those bloodsuckers for taking me away from her.

I kissed Nessie as deep as I could and made love to every inch of her body. I told her I loved her until my voice was hoarse. I said it into her neck and her breasts, and definitely deep into her mouth.

Nessie kept crying and I kept talking and everything kept building inside me like a slow burning fucking fire.

I hated fucking leeches. I hated the goddamn Volturi. I hated myself.

And I love Nessie so much it felt like my body was going to break from all of it.


	60. All of Me

**_A/N:_** This is a really, really huge chapter for Jacob's POV. It was huge in HoM, but even more so here, I think. Because this chapter really, really shows the depth of the agony Jacob was in. It slipped out in this chapter, but even then, he kept most of it internalized. Now you get to hear it all, uncensored.

So I really do hope you enjoy. :)

**_Disclaimer:_** The lyrics for this chapter have been picked out since I wrote it in HoM, just something of note. I don't own them. The title comes from Katie once again, taken from this chapter's trademark line. :D

* * *

All of Me

* * *

_remember when i moved in you  
the holy dark was moving too  
and every breath we drew was hallelujah_

_- jeff buckley, hallelujah _

-

Nessie's heart stalled, with a thud that my werewolf ears could hear easily, and then started back up at super speed. Oh, poor baby. I never wanted to do this to you.

I knew we both had been counting the minutes - I knew she knew something was wrong. But my girl was brave, and she nodded into my chest. Telling me to keep going.

"Alice . . . " No, I wouldn't push this off on her. I knew this was the right thing to do. "We've decided . . . " I swallowed the lump in my throat and squeezed the soft body in my arms tighter. "We want to ambush them. Alice thinks we'll have a better chance that way."

Nessie nodded again into my shoulder and wrapped her arm tight around my neck. Her heart rate didn't change and neither did her breathing. She . . . didn't get it. I'd have to say it.

I kissed her hair. Her sweet-smelling hair.

"Nessie." I love you. I'll always love you. I'm so sorry I have to say this. "We're leaving in two days."

Nessie froze in my arms. She hadn't been exactly moving before, but now she was definitely frozen. Her body tensed up and she was rigid.

"Two days as in?"

I had _never_ wanted to hear her voice like that again.

"As in the day after tomorrow."

Nessie was quiet for what felt like a long time.

Then, "You lied to me."

The words were like poison. I hadn't felt so much pain since Nessie said 'just one' and I assumed the worst. No, no, since she ran from me. Since I hurt her.

I had hurt her again. I was such a bastard.

"No, Nessie, no." I pulled her face up to meet mine and she didn't resist. I stared deep into her beautiful eyes. I hoped she could see all the truth in mine. "I would never lie to you, Nessie. When I told you two weeks, I was telling the truth, but things change."

I wished she would hit me. Bite me or scratch me or at least knock a few teeth out. Something - anything - besides what she did.

She cried.

Her huge, brown eyes welled straight up until I couldn't even see them clearly anymore and she sucked in a deep, shaky breath. I had never hated myself more.

"Don't cry, Nessie," was all I could think of to say. I tried to brush the tears away, but she shook my hand off. My stomach tore.

"I want to cry!" Then cry, baby, I'm sorry. Anything you want - anything - I'm just so sorry. "You're leaving me and you might not come back and I'm so - so scared and I - I w-want to _fucking_ cry!"

She burst into sobs and buried her face in my chest, and I held her there. Trying to swallow the lump in my own throat. Because she'd just said everything I'd been keeping buried deep inside my stomach for the past week, and it hurt like shit to hear it.

I couldn't tell her I would stay or promise her I would come back, so I just held her. And rocked her. Back and forth, like a child, because in a lot of ways she was. She was this amazing, brave, glorious woman who was . . . intelligent and passionate and so kind it made my heart hurt. But she was also only seven years old, and she'd never done a lot of things.

She'd never had a pet die or fallen off her bike and scraped her knee. All those little things that helped you grow up, that built over sixteen or however many years to teach you about life - she never had those.

And now we expected her to face war and fear and death with a straight face, and it was so unfair to her.

Her sobs picked up a notch and I bit my lip.

"Shh, honey, shh." Calm down, don't wear yourself out so much. I know it's not fair, but we're about to ask a lot more of you. "I'm so sorry it has to be like this. Everything will be all right, baby, it's gonna be fine."

Depending on how you want to take it.

Then suddenly, the crying stopped, and Nessie was pulling herself out of my arms. No, baby, don't do this to me. Don't push me away from you when I still need you so bad.

She swiped the tears out of her eyes, still breathing hard, and looked at me. My hands ached, they pulled like magnets, making me want to reach out for her, but if she didn't want me . . .

But she was beautiful, still so beautiful, with red and wet eyes. Up on her knees, looking at me like she was so lost and I was the reason. I hated myself for that.

But then she reached down and grabbed the hem of her shirt, lifting it up over her head and throwing it down.

And I was sick, because she was afraid and hurting and confused, and my eyes and my body still registered how fucking beautiful she was. Her hair tumbling over her breasts, her pink nipples and her flat stomach. Rounded hips.

Beautiful, heartbroken face.

I loved her - and even though I still wanted her, _needed_ her more than ever - I didn't want her to do this.

"Nessie - "

But she was already back in my arms, in my lap, sliding her breasts up my chest and pressing her open mouth against mine. I was torn - I never had it in me to reject her, especially when I needed her so bad too - and my arms were around her and my tongue was tasting her before I could think twice about it.

Then her small hand was reaching down between our bodies, stroking me through my shorts in exactly the right way. God, she knew just how to touch me. But - but this wasn't right . . .

I didn't deserve to be touched. I didn't deserve her pleasure. I needed to serve her.

"Show me, Jacob." She was desperate and panting and sounded so, so young. "Show me how much you want me."

I hated how broken her voice was.

"Nessie - "

"Show me how much you love me."

I literally felt the broken pieces of my heart fall down into my stomach. Her words ground themselves into my brain. Show me how much you love me.

My love for her roared up, stronger than I'd ever felt it. I couldn't stay, but I could love her. I could love her harder than anything she'd ever felt. I would show her.

Next thing I knew, I had her under me. Our heads at the foot of the bed, my body over every inch of hers. I was so hard, already, but that was what Nessie wanted, right? For me to show her how much I wanted her?

I pressed my hard on against her thigh and her scent surged, much stronger than it usually did.

Yeah, that was exactly what she wanted.

God, this body. I kissed and licked almost every inch of it. This was my last chance. To nuzzle her gorgeous breasts or suck her pink nipples, taste her sweet shoulders, nip the sensitive place on the side of her neck.

When I finally couldn't take anymore, when the pounding in my heart and in my head was too much to stand, I sat back to pull Nessie's panties down her legs. She squirmed like she didn't like the distance between us either, and lifted her hips so the tiny scrap of lace could come away easy.

Once again, she forgot to keep her legs shut tight. I think we were both past any kind of embarrassment now.

I laid my body back down over hers and slid my hand up her inner-thigh and straight into her wet heat, starting with two fingers. Stretching her.

Nessie's brow came together at the same time she arched her hips up into my touch.

"I don't need your fingers," she argued.

"You do." I wouldn't be swayed on this. I licked softly at the ear I had spoken into. "I can't hurt you, my Nessie."

Nessie's body rose up into mine and she moaned. I came back with three fingers, and felt her body tighten around them. Yes. Yes, baby, I may have to go - and I can't leave you with much, but you can have this.

I wanted to watch her come undone under me. I wanted her to scream. I bit and kissed and sucked over every inch of her neck until she was a melted puddle of lust under me. My body was aching to be inside her, but I would have to wait. I could tell Nessie was getting close, from her pants and the way her body was getting wetter and tighter around me by the second.

Right when I knew I had her there, her hands - small, but stronger than I was used to - pushed me away. My mouth, my hands, all of it. Was she punishing me?

"I'm ready now, Jacob."

God, at least that was all. I wanted to help her come undone first, but I wouldn't argue with her now. Her eyes - beautiful, beautiful eyes - were set.

I leaned back onto my heels and reached back into the bedside drawer, feeling for a condom.

"No." Don't do this to me, baby. "I don't want that - I want to feel all of you tonight. I don't want to use it."

I had to have her now. She . . . always said shit like that, amazingly hot and irresistible shit that made me want her and love her so bad. I wanted nothing more than to give in - we both wanted it so bad.

Condoms weren't made for people like us, people who were married and madly in love and wanted . . . who didn't care if . . .

It wasn't fair that we had to use them. But we did, because I might not live to make it back home to her and I would _not _leave her with a baby.

I'd thought this over a lot - and I'd told Nessie it was because we couldn't risk her getting pregnant while those Italian bastard leeches wanted her so bad for just that reason, but that wasn't it. I wouldn't give into her now, take a few minutes of bliss for myself and then possibly leave her with . . . no.

Nessie wanted to feel me, she said - all of me. I could do that for her.

I slid my shorts down and rolled the condom on, my eyes on Nessie since I didn't even have to look to do it anymore. She was so beautiful. So sad.

I braced my arms on the bed to kick my shorts the rest of the way off and then laid my body down over hers, nudging her thighs apart with my knee. Then I kissed her.

It was a kiss in the definition of the word. My lips, against hers. Simple and a lot more fucking meaningful than anybody ever gave it credit for.

I could feel the desperation raising up inside of me, the need to kiss her roughly. To take her, hard and fast and animal, let the wolf take over and just claim her. My mate, my wife. Leave her with my scent and my claim so every male would know. So she would remember. Mine.

"You'll feel all of me, Nessie." She shivered under me. "I promise."

Nessie wound her fingers into my hair and deepened our kiss as I found Nessie's entrance and swiftly slid into her. My eyes almost rolled back into my head with the pleasure - God. This was home.

Nessie groaned and arched her body up into mine, but the tears were back in her eyes again. I knew this time I wouldn't be able to make them go away. She needed this.

I kissed away as many as I could, taking in some with my tongue. They were . . . sweet. Like rainwater. Clean and pure.

When my body started pushing me to move, I remembered my promise. I reached down and cupped Nessie's knee - it was so small that my hand swallowed it - sliding my hand all the way up to her inner thigh. Just inches away from where I was buried inside her.

"Open your legs wider, Ness." Nessie obeyed me, a little, but not enough for what I needed. She wanted all of me. "More, Nessie. As far as you can."

She obeyed me again, spreading her legs wide and bending them, bracing them on the bed. It worked. I slide further into Nessie's body, deep - deeper than I'd ever been. Until every inch of me was buried in her heat. Her body couldn't take any more of me because there was no more to take.

Nessie wrapped her arms around me tighter, and she sobbed, ripping at my heart. I pressed my lips against hers, kissing, trying to keep my own flood from crashing over. Her body was heaven and this pain was hell and it was like every part of me was slowing ripping in half.

"I love you." I pulled back, sliding out, only to come right back. Back home. "I'm so sorry that it has to be like this. I love you so much."

She didn't say anything back. She only cried. And I could only make love to her and say how much I loved her, telling her and showing her while I still had the time. That feeling that hadn't been this hard to hold back since Billy died was back, the dull ache in my throat and behind my eyes.

I kept it slow - I didn't let the wolf take over - but I was fighting another kind of monster. I'd been holding it in too long; I'd opened myself up too much one too many times to Nessie while still trying to hold it back.

I'd never hurt like this before. I'd never been away from this body, this girl, for more than two days. And those had been torture. My bones ached without her. My heart hurt at just the thought. I would be broken. A broken man.

But my teeth would still be sharp and I'd punish every single one of those bloodsuckers for taking me away from her.

I kissed Nessie as deep as I could and made love to every inch of her body. I told her I loved her until my voice was hoarse. I said it into her neck and her breasts, and definitely deep into her mouth.

Nessie kept crying and I kept talking and everything kept building inside me like a slow burning fucking fire.

I hated fucking leeches. I hated the goddamn Volturi. I hated myself.

And I loved Nessie so much it felt like my body was going to break from all of it.

What would I do - what would I honestly do - if some leech got his teeth into me? If I had to lay somewhere, on a fucking battlefield, burning up and knowing I'd never have this again? That Nessie was somewhere, twisting my ring on her fingers and waiting for me?

Both life and death would be hell without her.

Worse would be hurting her.

I thrust into Nessie's heat, my home, a little harder than I probably should have. Just to feel her. That she was still there. That I was. For now.

I felt it come up just like it had that night, but a hundred times stronger and a thousand times more unstoppable, so I just buried my face in her neck and prayed for it to stop.

Then came the shaky breath and I knew I was done. It was too much. I loved this woman more than anything in every single universe and I was tearing her apart. There was nothing that could stop this.

"I'm so sorry I have to leave you, Ness."

My voice broke like a fucking bitch, but Nessie just grabbed my face and pulled my lips back to hers. Yes, these were the kisses I needed. Hard and fast and deep. My tongue inside her mouth, hers inside mine.

Then, suddenly, Nessie's body tightened around mine and she arched into me hard. Her mouth went passive under mine, giving up the control to me like she always did when she . . .

"Please, Jake." No, baby, I'm sorry . . . I can't, I'm so sorry. "Please."

I just told her I loved her again and she relaxed under me. I wasn't close to being done. I never wanted this to be over.

It lasted a long time, but it was what both of us wanted. Nessie's legs went back and forth between being braced on the bed to wrapped around my hips, her feet smoothing over my ass and sometimes down the back of my legs. But they always went back to the sides of the bed, leaving her open for me to slide deep.

Nessie fell over again and again. Quietly, her body gripping me tight and her tears stopping for a few seconds. Her body arching and her voice whispering, "Please, Jacob."

I promised myself once that Nessie would never have to ask me for anything, and now I was making her beg.

I tried to hold off as long as I could - on both things - but they built. Steadily. The pleasure coiled deep in the pit of my stomach and the pressure behind my eyes. I didn't want to surrender to this - I'd surrendered to everything else and my life was shit. This was the only good thing, and I was about to have to leave it.

But eventually it was too much and I knew I was getting close to falling over. I pulled away from Nessie's lips, her sweet, desperate, beautiful kisses because I had to push myself up higher on my arms.

Nessie's eyes had cleared some, and I watched her gaze focus in on mine. I knew my eyes were red, but neither of us were worried about being cute.

I hated myself even more as I let my head drop and my body take over, thrusting harder, giving myself over to what my body needed. I hated that I wasn't strong enough to hold out longer. I hated myself because this was ending and it was the last time.

Because this was the last time. I would not do this again. Open Nessie up like this, tear her wide open and then leave her hanging, broken. I wouldn't make myself weak like this again, when I needed to be strong.

If I made it back, it would be a reunion for the history books. But now. . . this was a goodbye.

I never wanted to have to say goodbye to her.

I tried to memorize it - her tightness and her heat. Her pants under me and her scent all around me. The softness of her skin, sticky now from my sweat over every inch of both of us.

Oh, what she gave me.

And then the pleasure peaked - broken up by the sharp pain of Nessie's nails raking down my back - and my head fell down in defeat. I hated myself for giving up, and I hated myself so much because the pleasure was so strong and it was the last time that I would feel it for a long time, possibly forever.

I hated myself for every one of Nessie's tears that I could feel, against our cheeks that were pressed together and her neck when my face was there and her lips from where they had run down.

Nessie had taken me to heights before that made me want to call out, but nothing like this. This was the strongest mix of . . . euphoria and agony that I had ever felt.

My body sizzled with love and hate and more love, and I screamed.

I was done seconds later. My body drained, more empty than it had ever been. Drained until there was nothing left inside of me, only Nessie and my love for her. The only thing that kept me going.

I had never been more tired in my life. I barely managed to keep from collapsing onto Nessie, fear of hurting her the only thing that stopped me. But Nessie reached up, arms around me, and pulled me down against her. I was just burned out enough that she could do it easily.

It felt good to finally melt into her.

I softened, but didn't pull out. I wasn't ready for my last seconds of connection to be over.

I inhaled and smelled something other than our sex, that scent when both of ours twined together so tightly you couldn't tell them apart. I smelled blood.

For a second, panic gripped my stomach. I was fucking _terrified_ that I'd let my wolf get away from me and . . . hurt Nessie. Made her bleed.

But then I registered the pain in my back, dull and healing, where Nessie's nails had scraped down. I welcomed it. I wished I could scar, so I could wear her marks into war. So she could paint me like the wives of my ancestors would have done before battle.

But I couldn't, and they would be healed before our breathing had slowed down.

"I love you."

The . . . the tears finally broke, and rolled down. I kept my face buried in Nessie's neck as I took in those words, and let her cradle my head in her hands.

"I love _you_." If I loved you any less, Nessie, I swear I wouldn't be able to do this. "I - I swear to God, Nessie, if I could change it I - "

I could tell her. I could swear to her up and down how much it hurt me to hurt her . . . but I think she needed to see it.

It went against . . . all of my instincts, to be weak, to show myself to her like that. But I really felt like I didn't want to hide, at least for a second. Before I had to put my shield up for good. I had to toe the line between being strong and showing Nessie that she wasn't the only one in pain.

I pulled my head out of her neck, and faced her.

I saw her beautiful brown eyes, red from crying, search over my face. Register the wetness that I could feel on my cheeks.

"I would," I swore, finishing my sentence.

I leaned down and kissed her lips, soft. Not urgent or desperate, even though I was both of those things. Just soft.

Then I pulled out of her body, and it felt like . . . everything that had been holding me together, _barely_, fell away. And I was on my own.

"But you can't." Nessie's eyes broke my heart.

No. No, honey, I'm sorry.

"But I can't," I agreed.

"So . . ." Nessie took in a deep, shaking breath, and the last of the tears slid down her temple. "Wh-what now?"

"Now . . . " I took another second for myself, greedy, running my lips over her jaw and cheekbones, down her neck. "We're together."

"For tonight."

My stomach twisted again. "For tonight."

Nessie looked at me, for a long time, and didn't say anything. It was okay though. There wasn't much else left to be said. After awhile, I kissed her again, and it was too nice to stop.

I didn't have the energy or the willpower for more, but I could kiss her. Simple, easy. A succession of kisses - not deep, just there.

Press my lips to hers, kiss, pull away. Come back. My lips to hers, kiss, and pull away. Come back.

I did this over and over, for I don't know how long, until I felt Nessie's hand placing pressure on my chest. Pushing me away.

Her eyes were beautiful - dried out now - but still pink. They watched mine, not hard, but . . . intently.

"I want to see you phase."

I heard her words, but it took a second for them to soak in. It was a simple enough request, I just didn't understand why . . . but then I realized it didn't matter. Nessie was asking me for this, asking me to do something for her, one last time.

I couldn't give her what she really wanted . . . but I could give her this.

I felt my head nod, a thousand pounds heavy.

"Okay."

* * *

**Coming up:**

The moon wants to kill me, just to have the chance to get next to you.

Nessie pressed her face into my neck and sniffled, making me hurt again. I hadn't meant to make her sad.

But I didn't have anything to say, so I just went when Nessie pulled me tighter and held her. She stayed there, still, for a few seconds, before she started shifting. Wrapping her leg tighter around my hip and pulling her body closer to mine.

I felt her wetness, her hot skin, brush across my hipbone. Just for a second, before I pulled my hips back.

"Jacob?" Her voice was so small, and her body so tempting. She curled her hips again, seeking me, and brushed my chest with her lips. "I want you again."

God, no, Nessie, don't do this to me.


	61. Give Me This

**_A/N:_** Here's the very next chapter in this series. :) There are some fresh moments in this one - not necessarily scenes, but expounding on things Nessie skimmed. Another step into the dark journey inside Jacob's head.

I don't have much else to say here (that I can remember), but I'd like to take a second to pimp my blog. Horrible, I know, but I know no other way to get followers. :) It's original stuff, and one of my new years' resolutions is to update it more frequently, so thoughts and comments and advice there would be wonderful.

**_spiceandsmoke(dot)blogspot(dot)com_**

If you have the time, check it out. It's very different from all of this, but still enjoyable I think. :)

Once again, you all rock. :)

**_Disclaimer:_** I own nothing as usual, although I did come up with title and lyrics for this chapter on my own this go around. Yay for me.

* * *

Give Me This

* * *

_fools, said i, you do not know  
silence like a cancer grows_

_- simon and garfunkel, the sound of silence_

-

I took one last kiss and then lifted myself off of the soft body, onto my feet. I stripped the condom off and threw it in the direction of the trash can - I was passed caring - and picked up my shorts and pulled them on.

I looked Nessie over, laid out naked on my bed, and wondered if it was the last time I would see her like that. I couldn't believe that. I held out my hand for her and she sat up and took it.

When she stood up, she looked shaky, and her knees acted like they were going to buckle when she tried to take a step, but I caught her. Damn it, it must have been from having her legs open so wide for so long. I couldn't do a damn thing right.

Nessie just leaned into my chest, feeling a lot more secure and a lot less like she was going to fall over, and I reached down with my other hand and pulled open my top drawer. I grabbed the first t-shirt I felt, an old white work shirt.

Nessie wasn't really paying attention to what I was doing, I don't think, or what it meant, because it took her a second to get what the shirt I was rubbing against her shoulder was for. She slid it on and pulled her hair out of the neckline. I waited to see if she wanted some more clothes, but she really didn't look like she cared. My shirt came all the way down to her knees anyway.

I held my hand out and she took it. Not saying anything, I pulled her gently towards the door.

We went out the back and into the woods. We didn't have to go very deep, since it was La Push. Home territory. Nothing to fear here.

When we finally got into a clearing big enough, I let go of Nessie's hand and turned to face her. I hated to be away from her, but there had to be distance between us for this. There were reasons she had never seen me phase before. How violent it could be, for one - and the nakedness for another. But now that wasn't an issue.

The first wasn't either as long as we kept distance.

Nessie looked . . . like an angel in the moonlight. All white, whiter than she looked even in the sun, but her hair was even brighter. Like fire. Stunning.

I stepped back, five large steps. A safe distance. Nessie moved, to take a step closer, but I held a hand out to stop her.

"No." I didn't hold back the Alpha. She would obey me and stand back if she wanted me to give her this. "No, Nessie, stay there."

She did, her hands still looking like they wanted to reach out. She folded them back behind her body. I slid my shorts off, since there was no need to rip good clothes and Nessie had seen my naked body more than enough.

Nessie's eyes watched me, not moving, not blinking. On me.

I took a second to make sure I was far enough away. I knew I would never hurt Nessie, but I needed to make sure. Then I stretched my muscles, preparing for the change. I could control it much more easier than the others, even now, but it was still a fast, jagged process.

It took less than two seconds, and you were wolf. No longer man.

Nessie's eyes would be able to catch the . . . subtleties of it, I think, but a normal human's wouldn't. She had seen me in both forms, thousands of times, but I hoped nothing about this scared her. I would hate for her to be scared of me.

I kept my eyes on her, on my anchor, and let the change take me. Hot and fast, my spine growing and my skull changing. Fur sprouting from every pore on my body, a tail spurting.

My hair was long, so my fur was too, and I tossed my head to shake it back. And then I was a wolf, seeing Nessie through a wolf's eyes.

My sight was better in wolf form, and my sense of smell was too. Nessie's scent was more potent. I could smell her, the scent of my mate. I could smell myself on her too, my mark, although not as strong as it would be if . . . we hadn't used barriers.

The conflict between the wolf and the man was strange. She was a woman and I was a wolf, but I still recognized her as my mate. The lust was less as a wolf, but still there. The need to claim was stronger, the need to protect.

My mate - my wife - was just staring at me, like she'd never seen me before. I didn't want her to be afraid. She looked like she wasn't sure if she was allowed to come to me.

I tossed my head and scratched at the ground, letting out a whine. Calling her.

She came, slowly, with her hand held out. Almost like she was afraid, but I could see from her eyes that she wasn't. Just hesitant.

Finally, her fingers brushed my muzzle. I ducked my head under it, to press her fingers up further, and closed my eyes into her touch. I stepped up to press my nose to her cheek. Her scent was more concentrated up close and it calmed me. I growled lowly, a happy growl.

Nessie's fingers gripped the fur at my neck, burrowing deep into it. To the skin underneath. And then I saw myself.

Through Nessie's eyes, I watched the phase. In slow motion, for the first time, I watched myself change from man to wolf. I felt what Nessie had, watching me.

Appreciation and . . . lust while I was man, naked in front of her. And then pride and awe and love as I changed. It didn't look scary or violent from her eyes. It was . . . almost beautiful. To Nessie's eyes, it _was_ beautiful.

Beautiful Nessie. I wanted to phase back and have her, now, but I knew I was better off staying wolf right now. I wouldn't break my promise to myself.

I made a half-growl, half-whining noise and nuzzled her cheek harder. I would kiss her, but Nessie didn't like the wolf kisses as much as the human ones.

"Thank you, Jake," her small voice whispered. Calling me Jake. And kissed my wolf cheek.

So sweet. She was acting like I'd done something huge, when all I'd done was share a part of my life with her that should have been hers a long time ago. She belonged in every part of me, especially this. If it weren't for this, I wouldn't have her.

I dropped heavily onto my haunches and then down on my stomach, then rolled over onto my back. My stomach exposed. Nessie probably didn't know, but that was one of the most vulnerable positions for a wolf.

It didn't feel vulnerable with her.

Nessie smiled - a beautiful sight I thought I'd never see again - and dropped to her knees beside me. She reached her small hand out and scratched my belly, in exactly the right spot, and my leg kicked on reflex.

Nessie laughed, and my heart felt better for a few seconds.

"Do you like that?"

I let my tongue hang out so she'd know I was smiling too. She scratched harder, making my leg kick even more. She giggled.

I rolled over onto my side, since being on your back as a wolf wasn't as comfortable as for a human. Then Nessie laid down too, curling up beside me. She pressed her face into the fur at my neck, which felt different as a wolf, but still really good. Her hand came up to scratch behind my ears and she swung her leg up over my body.

I was probably a lot more comfortable to lay on as a wolf. But I was willing to bet human Jake smelled a lot better.

We laid together for a few minutes, until Nessie looked up at me. I rubbed my nose across hers and she scrunched up her face against it. I knew my nose was probably cold - at least it wasn't wet.

"Jacob?"

I knew what she wanted. She wanted me back. Which was kinda good, because I wanted to be back with her too. As a man.

I tried to get up, but Nessie's arms and leg closed tight around me and wouldn't let me go. Her eyes widened, and I saw the request there.

I thought about it. Phasing back wasn't nearly as dangerous since I was shrinking, becoming smaller. Less dangerous.

And it . . . felt right. Like I could do this. Nessie wasn't human after all, she was more durable.

I watched Nessie's eyes, checking them for any fear. And there was none. She trusted me, completely.

So, with my mate's arms still around me, I let the change take me. My fur receded, my spine shrank. I got smaller, closer to the ground. More vulnerable.

And then I was human, naked on the ground, with my wife still wrapped around me. One of her hands on my neck, her leg over my hip.

She gasped, a second late.

Then, finally, I had her in my arms.

"You're so beautiful." She was whispering, even though we were alone in the dark in the middle of the forest. "That was so beautiful, Jacob."

I loved this woman. The honesty in her voice shook me. She thought I was beautiful.

"Nothing's beautiful next to you, Ness." She made me want to find another word, especially designed for what she was. "You make the stars fucking jealous."

The moon wants to kill me, just to have the chance to get next to you.

Nessie pressed her face into my neck and sniffled, making me hurt again. I hadn't meant to make her sad.

But I didn't have anything to say, so I just went when Nessie pulled me tighter and held her. She stayed there, still, for a few seconds, before she started shifting. Wrapping her leg tighter around my hip and pulling her body closer to mine.

I felt her wetness, her hot skin, brush across my hipbone. Just for a second, before I pulled my hips back.

"Jacob?" Her voice was so small, and her body so tempting. She curled her hips again, seeking me, and brushed my chest with her lips. "I want you again."

God, no, Nessie, don't do this to me.

"Ness . . . "

"Here, under the stars," she whispered, her soft lips parting over my skin. I felt her tongue flick over my nipple and bit back a hiss, and my body's reaction. "Let's make them jealous together. Please, Jake . . . "

Fuck. I couldn't. No.

"We don't have a condom, Nessie," I said, brushing her hair back but pulling her lips away from my chest in one. I was saying it more to remind myself. Of that, and of my promise. "We can't, honey."

But . . . even if we went back to our room, I - I wouldn't make love to Nessie again. Neither one of us could take it. I couldn't open myself up like that again.

I showed her how this was hurting me, and now she knew, but I wouldn't open myself up to it. I had to leave her in two days - almost one now - and I had to be the strong one when I did.

Whatever Nessie gave me, I had to be able to withstand it like a man. Crying, begging, pleading. She was within her rights to do all those things . . . and I had to be strong enough not to let it break me.

At least on the outside.

Nessie's eyes, wide and disappointed, looked up at me. She didn't suggest going home though, which was good because I didn't want to have to reject her again. She just curled herself further around me, reaching down and pulling part of my shirt between her legs to make a barrier between us.

Making it easier for me. God, I didn't deserve her.

She finally fell asleep. Against my chest, in my arms. Her heart beat slowed down and her breathing leveled out. When I felt her connection open, started catching flashes of color and emotions, I knew she was really asleep.

She must be so exhausted.

I was tempted to lay there all night and watch her dream, but I knew my girl needed a bed. I hated to do it, but I pulled myself out of her arms. I was halfway on my way to standing up when I realized how wrong it felt. I couldn't leave her asleep on the ground, not even just long enough to pull my shorts on, so I just lifted her up into my arms.

I held her bridal-style, but the way she curled into my chest made it feel like I was carrying a tired little girl Nessie home after a long day. I carried her back in the way we left, and to my room where I laid her in the bed.

She rolled to her right - my left - where I usually slept, and then to the right when she didn't find me there, her hands reaching out. I grabbed the first pair of gym shorts I could find and pulled them on as quick as I could so I could ease myself into bed beside her.

It was hard, since the size of the best made us have to sleep with Nessie wrapped around me for there to be barely enough room. But I managed, kneeling over her long enough for her to feel me there and wrap her arms around me. Then it was easy for me to ease myself onto my back, Nessie sprawled across my chest.

The moving must have gave her some kind of awareness, because the connection closed and stayed that way for about another ten minutes. But then it slowly slipped open again.

I was nowhere near sleep, so I spent the night watching Nessie's dreams. She must have been really tired, because they weren't stories or scenes like her dreams normally were. They were like her dreams when she was really small, pictures and colors and emotions and faces.

My face, most of the time, although her family showed up some. One of the guys from the pack would pop up occasionally, Seth did once, but I bit back old emotions. My face came right after, and I felt the difference in her emotions towards my face and his.

Love, strong, _strong_ love . . . and lust. Fear.

Her hand slipped off of my chest then, down to dangle over my side, and I didn't move it back.

I just laid with her in the dark, listening to her heart, feeling her breath ghost over my chest and counted minutes. Tried to soak up the pure pleasure of having her beside me.

Why did it feel so good? Things like kissing and sex were easy, but what about the rest of it? Why did just her head on my chest make something inside me swell up and make me feel so peaceful and happy I could burst? Why did her foot, sliding up and down my leg whenever she moved, make me love her more?

_How_ could I love her more?

Sleep didn't come, and I didn't look for it, not wanting to lose a second. My heart got tighter and tighter as I watched the sun come up. The last day. We had to go to the big house so Nessie could be with her family. I could still be with her, no way in hell I wouldn't be, but it still felt like time lost.

Nessie's eyes fluttered open a few minutes before the time I promised myself I'd wake her up.

Her sleepy eyes found mine. I saw them light up, like they usually did, for a split second before it fell out. She remembered.

I leaned down and pressed my lips to her forehead. The safest kiss I knew how to give.

If I kissed her lips again, right now, I would have her. Hard and fast and even more desperate than last night, against the bed. And I _wouldn't_.

She pressed her cheek into my chest and relaxed there. I faded into it for a few minutes, before I knew I was letting it stretch too far. I would have her here all day if I could.

I didn't want to talk. I felt like opening my mouth would open everything else inside me and it would all come pouring out.

But I had to say something. I couldn't just yank her out of bed.

So, "We have to get up now."

Nessie nodded, but didn't move. I gave her a few seconds, but she just stayed against my chest, so I knew I would have to be the strong one here. Wasn't that what I'd been preparing for?

I pulled the covers off. Step one. Sitting up, helping Nessie with me. Step two.

There. We were up.

I led Nessie to the shower without saying anything. What else was there? Everything seemed pretty damn clear to me. I turned the water on and undressed Nessie and myself while it heated up. I picked her up and set her inside.

The could be our last shower together - it _was_ our last before I left. I wanted to take care of her one last time.

I washed her body, doing my best to be as . . . chaste as possible. For once, I was doing everything I could _not _ to turn Nessie on. I wanted to wash her, take care of her, comfort her - but I didn't want to set her up for rejection. Not again.

If . . . if she really needed it, I would take care of her, but I couldn't . . .

Nessie lust stayed at a minimum, there, but not strong. When I stood up back up off my knees and reached for the soap to wash myself, Nessie's hand stopped me, taking it from my hand.

The look in her eyes made me decide to let her, and I watched her kneel down and pick up the washcloth I had used for her. She lathered it up good and set the soap back down in its place.

It was hard to keep concentration while Nessie washed me. She wasn't _trying _to be sexy, but of course, she was. She washed my neck and shoulders and chest, even skirting around me in the small space there was to stand behind me and do my back.

It was just so fucking soothing and soft. She was such a woman, always touching tender and soft and gentle. Like her hands were made to be that way.

It was hell, but I managed to maintain about a half-hardness. That was the best I could hope for. It was impossible not to get turned on at a wet, naked Nessie washing you down. I deserved a medal for getting this far.

But then she came back around to my front, going over my stomach again. I closed my eyes against it, until I felt her other hand, small and soapy and wet, sliding up my thigh.

Nessie had wrapped her hand around me and gave me three long strokes before I could get the strength up to stop her. I caught her wrist and pulled it gently away, trying not to be harsh, but still letting her know it wasn't welcome.

Not that it wasn't, but . . . I couldn't. I just wished Nessie would get that.

I rinsed myself off and then Nessie, her eyes a little red. I told myself it was from the water, even though I knew it wasn't.

I toweled us both off, wrapping the towel I used around my hips, and carried Nessie to the bedroom, trying to be extra tender to make up for rejecting her in the shower.

I set Nessie down on the bed and walked to her suitcase, grabbing the first bra and panties that I saw. When I knelt down in front of Nessie and held the underwear out, I think that's when she realized I was wanting to dress her.

She mumbled a little bit about being able to do it herself but I ignored her, and she finally gave up, stepping into the panties and letting me pull them up her legs. I helped her with her bra too, except I put it on the way it made the most sense to me, over the shoulders, instead of her crazy way. I reached inside and adjusted her breasts though, like I'd seen her do the few times I'd watched her dress since we'd been married.

I told myself it was just so she was comfortable, but it was because I wanted to feel her again.

I didn't know what to do about clothes, but I still didn't feel like talking, so I just grabbed a comfortable-looking pair of grey pants off the top of the suitcase and showed them to Nessie, raising an eyebrow to ask her if they were all right.

She just nodded, so I held them low for her to step in and pulled them up her legs too, buttoning and zipping them even though I felt her hands move like they wanted to do it.

I gave Nessie the phase, she could give me this.

I could see the surprise on Nessie's face when I pulled her towards my dresser instead of to her suitcase full of frilly Alice crap. I knew Nessie liked to look nice, and had been trying to dress up a little more since we have been married for some reason, but she could go with just plain comfort today.

Besides, I had something I wanted to see her in.

I kneeled down to dig through my bottom drawer, where I kept a few old shirts that were way passed fitting anymore, but I couldn't ever throw away. Anything that came close to fitting me now would hang like a sack on Nessie, but something really old . . .

I found one of my old rez shirts. Everybody had them, but nobody really ever wore them for anything except work or sports or something. Everybody could tell from the tan whether or not you were from here. No need to advertise.

But if Nessie wore it . . . well, it was obvious she wasn't from the rez. But I was.

It was really cliche, with the circle with the howling wolf inside. Really powwow around the bonfire indian type thing, but the wolf made it like our own private joke.

It had been mine before I started growing like crazy - it would still be big on Nessie, but hopefully not by much.

I looked up once I had found it to see Nessie watching me, her eyes wide. Touched, kind of. Nessie wanted to wear my shirt. She lifted her arms for me and I slid the shirt on. My hand brushed the soft skin of her stomach as I pulled the shirt down, and Nessie shivered.

This wasn't going to be easy.

The shirt was loose on her, but not huge - I'd been pretty damn skinny. It was kinda longer than she usually wore her shirts though, covering her ass. But she still looked damn good in it.

I turned her around so I could pull her long, gorgeous hair out the back of her shirt and then dug through my drawers for a pair of comfortable pair of jeans. I ended up grabbing the first pair I touched and pulling them on, letting my towel drop.

I turned back around to find Nessie watching me, and biting that lip.

I could have said something, but I didn't. Still didn't feel like talking. I just looked Nessie over. I picked up the hairbrush. I was going to do everything for her this morning.

I guided Nessie back around and she went, letting me brush her hair.

God, I loved her hair. Long and thick and curly, a little damp now from the shower even though I'd tried not to get it wet. All the way down to the top of her ass.

Nessie just stood and let me run the brush through her hair, and I did for a while after there were no tangles to be found. When I couldn't put it off anymore, I stuck the handle of the hairbrush in my pocket and gathered her hair back, twisting it gently.

As a guy who grew up with long hair, I knew how to do a few things with hair normal dudes couldn't. Well, I could manage a bun at least. Wasn't very manly, but whatever.

I knew Nessie liked her hair up.

She looked surprised when she realized what I'd done, but happy, and I felt proud. I guided her down to the bed, throwing the hairbrush beside her, and put her socks and shoes on too, even tying the laces. I just . . . needed to do for her.

As soon as I was done though, Nessie grabbed my face in her soft hands. I avoided her eyes, knowing whatever I saw there would be too strong.

"I want to brush your hair." I heard - and saw, since my eyes were on her throat - Nessie take a deep breath. "Okay, Jake?"

Nessie stood up to get a tie, I guess planning to pull my hair back too, and then came back to sit down in front of me. I wanted to close my eyes against the sensation when Nessie brushed my hair, but I knew that would give me too much space to think. I kept my eyes on Nessie's lips, her cheeks, the hollow of her throat.

She leaned forward to pull my hair back, her throat dangerously close to my mouth. Stretched out, beautiful. Perfectly positioned for me to bite, or kiss.

But I controlled myself.

She pulled back and tucked a loose strand of hair back behind my ear, her hand soft on my cheek, and I did close my eyes against it then.

I forced myself to stand up, get away from her touch before I caved to it. I knew what shirt I was going to wear. I dug until I found my wolf shirt, Nessie's favorite. The one that had made her so happy that she tore up the t-shirt shelf at Walmart in search of my size.

I slipped my shoes on and then there was nothing left to do. No more reasons to stall. We had to leave. I didn't know the next time I would be in this house again, this room. If I would ever.

God, I'd never had a fight like this. I forced myself to hold my hand out for Nessie.

Before, I'd been excited. Eager. I was ready for it. I wasn't ready for it now, not to leave. Not to leave her.

Nessie took my hand.

"Jacob, I love you," she burst out, suddenly, like our hands were about to be yanked apart and I'd be gone.

I pulled her into my chest, holding her tight. Nessie wrapped her arms around me and held me back.

"I love you too." I hadn't said anything since Nessie first woke up, and my voice sounded weird. Maybe it was the words, how pathetically weak they sounded compared with what I wanted to say. "I love you so much, Nessie."

Then my girl tilted her face up towards me, like she'd done a thousand times before. A silent request. I knew what she wanted.

So I pulled her, gently, up into my arms. Her feet clear off the floor, holding her waist tight with one hand and her cheek with the other. And I kissed her, soft and sweet. Treating her like glass, since we were both so close to breaking.

Nessie parted her lips for me, the smallest bit, and I pressed one of mine there, knowing that was what she wanted. And then I closed the kiss.

Nessie wasn't done though, and came back, pressing her soft lips to the corner of mine. My chin. My jaw. My cheeks. Soft and easy and innocent, like the kisses she gave me when she was little before Edward started freaking out.

"We only have so many hours left, Jake." Don't remind me, baby. She kissed my lips. "Don't close yourself off from me yet."

"I'm sorry, Nessie." I was a dumbass to think she wouldn't know, feel, that was what I was doing. "I'm just trying to keep it together."

You saw me cracked when Billy died, Nessie, but that's nowhere close to the way you could break me if I gave in to it.

"You always keep it together, Jacob." You don't know how hard I have to try sometimes. "That's why you're such a good Alpha. I'm so glad you're my Alpha, Jake."

It was that last sentence that got me. She knew exactly what to say to heal me and she didn't even know it. Her Alpha. I was her Alpha, and I had to be strong for her. And I could.

Even though . . . Nessie considered me her Alpha, I wanted to make sure she knew the difference.

"You're not a part of my pack, Nessie." You're my mate. "You're so much more."

"No, I'm your imprint." Yes, you are. "I'm your mate." Yes. "I'm your wife." Thank God. "And you're my husband and my Alpha."

I kissed her again, the last time, I promised myself. The last time without her asking. But that was a sentence that couldn't go without a kiss.

I knew I had to - to comfort her, the way she had comforted me. But I didn't know how. There was nothing I could promise her without lying.

I made a decision.

"Everything's gonna be all right, Ness."

I never wanted to do to this, to lie to her, but sometimes there were more important things than what I wanted.

Well, there always was - Nessie.

* * *

**Don't hate me** for not having a coming up. It's really all just catching up to me. I plan to write like crazy tomorrow - I don't know how I went from being so ahead to being so behind. :( I'm really disappointed in myself.

So, here, take some _**Green and Grey**_, because I feel horrible:

She realized, ashamed, as she scanned the sparse groupings of people spread throughout the sitting area, waiting to pick up loved ones for the holidays (and funerals), that she hadn't seen her brother for five years. Not even a picture.

He was nineteen now and - big, she knew, from Rachel's exclamations when she first returned home.

"He's so _big_, Becks," she'd said through the phone when Rebecca had called her on her first night to check that she'd landed safely. "And tall too. He has to duck his head to get into the house - it's _insane_. I'm worried he's on steroids or something."

Soon after that though, Rachel's worries had evaporated. Any inquiring Rebecca had done about Jacob then was brushed off as nothing. Jacob himself never got on the phone much, but Rebecca never really called.

"Hey, big sis," a deep voice said, stopping her in her tracks. She looked up, in dull shock, at the man her brother had become.

"Jacob?"

The last time she had seen Jacob, she ruffled his hair and mentioned how soon he'd be all caught up to her and Rachel. But this . . . now he towered over her. Tall and wide; she saw where Rachel could have gotten her steroid theory.

His hair wasn't as long as she remembered it, maybe down to his shoulders, but it was tied back so she couldn't really tell. His face was angled, a man's face, with a strong jaw and the same deep eyes he always had.

She watched his eyes float over her, and then change. She had been ready for it - to see them see Rachel in every glance.


	62. The Space Between

**_A/N: _**All right, we're getting awful close to what you've all been waiting for. I really hope you enjoy this chapter and once again, the peek inside Jacob's head. The last hours through his eyes. I always have thousands of things to say, but can never remember to say them.

Oh! I've been interviewed! Yes, by my lovely friend's blog, so I'll post the link so you all can check it out. There's hints as to the future of HoM, so I'd click in. And comment, of course. :)

You can find the interview here, without spaces: **_help im obsessed with twilight fanfiction_****_(dot)blogspot(dot)com_**

**_Disclaimer:_** Katie did the titles and the lyrics were all my very own choosing. Hope the sneak peek of the next chapter makes up for not having one last time.

* * *

The Space Between

* * *

_i was the only one you ever dreamed of  
you were the only one i tried to draw  
how dare you say it's nothing to me?  
baby, you're the only light i ever saw_

_- john mayer, slow dancing in a burning room_

-

I managed to remain almost normal for most of the day. While I took Nessie hunting and watched all three of those stupid pirate movies she liked so much. The hunting was, well, really good to see. She was so fucking sexy and primal when she was on the hunt, and for the first time, I really let myself fully enjoy it. Before I'd always mostly held back because she wasn't mine to want.

But now I could want her all I wanted, for now.

Nessie fell asleep towards the end of the third one, laid out with her head in my lap and her body stretched out over Edward and Bella's legs. When it was clear Nessie was asleep, people started fidgeting around. Blondie and her man were the first ones to take off.

"Well be back by morning," Blondie said, leaning down over me to brush some of Nessie's hair back from her cheek. God, she stunk up close, but she loved Nessie and Nessie loved her back, so I had to deal with it.

Doctor Vamp and Momma Vamp were next. Then Prozac and his pixie, who also stopped in front of me to touch Nessie's cheek. The muscle there tensed a little from their cold skin, but she didn't wake up.

Eddie and Bells were the last ones to go, but it was clear they were going to. They lifted her legs carefully and slid out, all vampy graceful. Bells actually kneeled down in front of the couch to kiss Nessie's cheek, but Edward settled for touching her hair.

"We'll be back in a few hours," Edward said, but I was only half listening, the soft sounds of Nessie's breathing filling my ears. "We just . . . need - "

"Gotcha."

I didn't need to hear how Bells needed it one more time. They were already doing it by the time we got here, embarrassing the shit out of Nessie when she somehow figured out. That was kinda cute though.

Vampire sex - urgh. All hard and cold, like damn unmovable boulders.

Nessie may have come from that, half of her at least, but she wasn't like that. She was soft, and warm, and very movable.

"I'm good, you can go now," I said, since they were just kinda standing in front of us. I just wanted some alone time to stare at her in peace. "I'm with her."

They left then, and I watched her. So beautiful, and peaceful.

She rolled around in her sleep, keeping her head in my lap the whole time. It actually made me feel better, more peaceful to watch her. Calmed me down a little. The hardest part was when she turned to face me, and her face nuzzled my hips. I shifted, carefully, so she wasn't _right _against me, and it got manageable.

She made sweet little sighs and nuzzled her cheek on my thigh from time to time like she was trying to make my hard body more comfortable. She'd knocked the pillow I had in my lap down about three seconds after she fell asleep.

The bun I had her hair in was all messed up, mostly down, and I ran my fingers through it a little when I thought it wouldn't wake her up. I let my other hand rest on the dip at her waist, the way her body was angled made my hand fit there perfectly.

God, she was beautiful.

I knew exactly when she woke up. Her heart started moving a little faster - just a little - and her breathing changed. She wriggled a little and turned over onto her back. Her eyes were wide in that way they got when she just woke up.

She just looked at me, wide eyes and pink lips, and didn't say anything.

"Hey," I finally said.

"Hey," she said back. Her hand came up to touch my throat, right over the neck of my shirt. "How long was I out?"

"Only about an hour." That was a guess, but it wasn't really important. I reached down and touched her soft hair. Nessie started trying to sit up, so I helped her, pulling her sideways into my lap. "Everybody wandered off to do vampy stuff after the movie ended. I told them we were cool and that I'd stay with you."

Code for they all went off to screw and I just wanted to be left alone with you for a little while.

Nessie's face . . . fell again.

"They'll uh . . . " I closed my eyes for a few seconds to try and shake off the way her frown affected me. "Be back in a few hours, they said."

"Oh." She drew her lip between her teeth for a half a second. "So . . . what do you want to do?"

I just shrugged. Wasn't it obvious? I pulled her into my chest and held her there.

"This."

Nessie didn't say anything, but didn't move either, so we stayed. This was better than watching her sleep, but harder too. This didn't calm me down - this made it all worse. Her soft body in my lap, her face in my neck, sometimes in my chest. Feeling her touch and respond to my touches was worse because all it had me thinking about was how after tomorrow I may never have that again.

After awhile, I don't know how long, Nessie tilted her face up towards mine.

"Kiss me, Jacob."

I could never deny that request, so I leaned down and pressed my lips to hers. Soft and close-mouthed.

Nessie's eyes were sad when I pulled back, which made me feel worse. I knew she wanted a more passionate kiss, but . . . it was just too hard. To open myself back up like that again.

She laid back against my chest and we didn't say anything as it got slowly darker and darker. Nessie buried her face in my neck and wound her fingers in my hair, and I just kept touching her. Feeling her, making sure she was still here with me.

Up and down her back, over her thighs and up her arms. Nothing sexual, just touch.

Sometimes Nessie pressed soft kisses to my neck, but she wasn't trying to turn me on. Seemed like what I was doing with my hands, just feeling that I was there. It made me feel a little better than Nessie seemed to be . . . accepting what I had to do.

When it was finally dark outside, I realized we had probably better move.

So I gathered up my courage to finally move from this safe, frozen place and said, "You need to eat."

Which was true, she did.

"You should too."

"We'll both eat." Nessie just stayed where she was, so I tapped her behind gently. "Hop up, Ness."

She did and I did too, and we headed to the kitchen. Nessie pulled her hair the rest of the way down and ran her fingers through it. I was enjoying the sight until she started gathering it back again. I reached out and caught her hand.

"Leave it."

She did.

She ran her fingers though it some more, and I just watched her. The color of her hair was amazing - before, anybody with hair remotely that color made my stomach turn because all I could think of was Edward, but not anymore.

Nessie fixed us plates of chicken salad, and I picked at it since I told her I would eat too, but my mouth didn't taste anything and my stomach didn't want it.

"Eat, Jacob," she told me, right when I was beginning to think I could probably get away with stopping now.

"I am eating." I took another bite that tasted like cardboard.

"You know what I mean." She sat up and scooped three more big ladles full onto my plate. "Come on, Jake. Eat. For me."

I finished that plate and one more. For her.

Nessie was long done by the time I was, especially since I had to force most of it down, and I took our dishes to the sink. I didn't bother washing them. I wasn't wasting my precious minutes doing stupid shit like that.

I went back to Nessie and held out my hand for her. "Do you want to go lay down?"

It would be nice, to lay down next to her, maybe watch her sleep again and roll back into that peaceful kind of watching. Let her dream some time away instead of spending it in pain like she was now.

She nodded, and took my hand.

I took her to Edward's room, because it just made the most sense. It wasn't really his anyway since they had the cottage, more like Nessie's room, but it still had all of Edward's old stuff in it and Nessie liked being there. So.

I pulled back the covers on the bed and Nessie crawled in and turned over, sitting back and waiting for me. I had to step out of my shoes, since I'd left them on. It just . . . nothing felt normal, so why act normal?

I slid in beside Nessie and she tugged on my shirt. "Why don't you take it off, Jacob?"

I shrugged.

"Take it off." Nessie's eyes looked like they knew why, even if I wasn't really sure. "You know you're not comfortable in it, Jake."

I pulled it off and dropped it on the floor, thinking about how that's probably what it was. I wasn't comfortable in it, but I wasn't trying to be comfortable. Some kind of penance.

I turned over into my side, facing Ness, just because that was how I was used to sleeping now because of my tiny bed. Nessie used my arm for a pillow and pressed her body tight against mine, pressing her face into the skin of my chest. Then she slung her leg over my hip.

My body tensed up, since I still was a man, but I didn't see anything else in the action besides Nessie wanting to be closer so I didn't say anything.

"I love you, my Jacob," she whispered into the quiet, bringing her eyes up to mine. Her Jacob. "So much."

Wow, that hurt to hear.

"Love you too, my Ness." I pulled her face back into my chest so she wouldn't see my face. It was getting harder to control. "So fucking much."

Nessie fell asleep soon - or half asleep anyway. Sometimes I'd think she woke up, but she would just be floating in and out. I didn't sleep. I couldn't. My brain and my body were exhausted, but sleep wouldn't come and I knew that.

I just held my Ness, my wife, into my body and waited. Time had never been such a bitch.

Sometime during the night, Bells and Edward got back. They creaked open the door and I looked over my shoulder to see Bells stick her head in.

"Oh. You're with her." Like they couldn't smell me or hear my heart from outside the door. She sounded disappointed. "She's okay?"

"Come in, Bella," was all I said, and put my face back in Nessie's hair. She was their daughter, she deserved to be with them too.

I saw Bella and Edward when they came around to the other side, their eyes dark. Bella crawled in first and pressed herself to Nessie's back. She shivered, but didn't wake up.

Edward got in too, laying on his side against Bella's back, and reached his arm over to rest on Nessie's side. I moved my hand to give him room, but his skin still brushed mine. Like burning ice. I didn't let it bother me.

They wouldn't sleep, and I couldn't, but neither of us said anything. I just sat there and watched her and thought, about how everything was and how it had changed. But then I realized it had always been like this.

Bella, with Edward on one side and me on the other. With Nessie in between us. Because she always had been, before she had even existed. Nessie had been the thing between us.

Soon, it was daybreak and time for the wolves to get here. So we could leave. All the other vamps were told to scram for the night, but they'd be back soon. Daybreak, we told them.

And daybreak it fucking was.

I heard Edward's voice say my name, but I ignored it. I wasn't going to be the last one to get out of this bed. I waited until Edward and Bella were gone and I smelled the burning scent get stronger. The vamps arriving.

Then I slid my hands down my body to pull Nessie's from around my waist. I slid down and cupped my wife's face in my hand and kissed the corner of her soft lips. I didn't feel right kissing her for real without her permission. Especially after how I'd done her yesterday.

Then I pulled myself out of bed, watching for Nessie to jerk awake, but she didn't. She did the rolling thing, searching for my body, and when she didn't find it, she curled in on herself, turning onto her stomach.

I couldn't stomach watching it, so I pulled my shirt back on, stepped into my shoes and walked out. I shut the door behind me so no vamps would wander in. I didn't want anyone else watching her sleep. I was a jealous man and not ashamed of it.

The pixie ran into me on the stairs.

"Jacob!" She shoved a pile of clothes at me, and I just looked at her. "Can - I'm dressing everybody today. You know, just . . . can you wear these today? I made sure they were comfortable for you."

I got that she was trying to be sweet, her freak fashion stuff one of the ways she knew how to do it, so I looked over the clothes in my hand. Some jeans and some kinda t-shirt.

I handed the shirt back to her.

"I'll wear the jeans. But, uh . . . Nessie got me this shirt."

"Okay," she said quietly, taking the shirt back and smiling. "Thank you, Jacob."

I just nodded and went into the nearest bathroom to change. I shoved the old jeans into the cabinet since I didn't feel like dealing with them, and pulled the other ones on. They did fit, and they were comfortable, the pixie had that right.

I washed my face since I looked like shit and ran some water through my hair. Then I went downstairs. The house was already filling up with vamps. Emmet clapped me on the back on my way downstairs, but I barely said hey to him.

I could tell from the scents that the wolves were already getting here, so I went out to meet them. They all came wolf, but with clothes - and shoes - wrapped to their legs. I didn't say anything, just sat with them, and we waited for the others to come.

When everybody was finally there - except Leah, who would come later with the imprints - I gave the command to phase back. I called Carlisle and Jasper over then, to go over the last minute stuff.

Leah would bring the imprints here, where they would stay with Esme and Sam. Sam stopped me there.

"So it's final?" He asked, his stance defensive. Everyone's was, with so many bloodsuckers around. "I'm staying?"

I just looked at him. "I told you that two days ago."

"I just . . . " His shoulders slumped a little. "I haven't told Emily yet."

"Why not?"

"Just in case . . . things changed."

In case I changed my mind, he meant.

"Well, they didn't."

The house had titanium let down shields for protection and Sam and Esme would take turns running short, extremely local patrols around the property. We would leave and travel, by foot, following Alice and Edward's leads.

Alice because she saw, and Edward in case she tried to lie about it. I trusted, Alice, really. But I wouldn't put it past her to try and mess with things if she saw something happening to her mate. I knew she loved Nessie, but no one loved her as much as me.

That's what Edward was for.

It would be about three days travel before we met - hell knows where - since we would just be following visions. And then we would fight.

Nobody knew what would happen after that.

The longer they talked and the longer Nessie slept, the more I thought. What if she didn't wake up in time for us to go? Should I wake her? I didn't think she would ever forgive me if I didn't - or if I would ever forgive myself. I had already said goodbye, but would never leave without seeing her.

Just as I was thinking that, the sweetest scent hit my nose. I turned around to see Nessie, standing on the edge of the porch, looking like everything I'd ever wanted and everything I just might lose.

I went to her. Immediately. Everybody and everything else could wait.

Nessie waited for me on the very top step, not moving. In a white and blue skirt and a white top, she had never been more beautiful. Every single time I saw her, she had never been more beautiful.

As soon as I was close enough, Nessie threw herself into my arms and I caught her, moving us back under the porch. I held her tight, feeling the knot in my stomach and my heart tighten. How would I ever let her go? Not even in the proverbial way, in the literal one. How could I ever take my arms off of her?

"I was so scared," she breathed into my neck in the smallest voice, tearing at my heart. "I woke up and I was - alone and I thought, I thought you had already left. Without saying goodbye."

I felt like the worst man in the world for ever even contemplating that, even if I knew from the start I wouldn't have been strong enough to go through with it.

"I would never do that to you, baby." I held her tighter, and like there was a string connecting them, my stomach and heart got tighter too. I didn't care. "I'm so sorry you were scared."

"H-how much longer?"

The one question I wished she wouldn't ask.

"About an hour."

Nessie made a sound I had never heard out of her before. It was small, and quiet, but I could only compare it to being hit with a semi. I hated myself.

I stayed quiet though, and listened to her take two deep breaths. Then she wriggled in my arms like she wanted to be put down, so I did, praying she wasn't about to run from me.

She didn't. She just took my hand and looked me over.

"Let's get you something to eat, Jake."

Eating sounded just about as appealing as sticking my head in the oven, but I would do that too if Nessie wanted. So I let her pull me into the kitchen and heat me up a plate of something. I don't even know what, since my eyes were glued on just her.

She set it in front of me with a monster glass of tea, and I pulled out the chair beside me. If this was the last meal I got to eat that Nessie fixed for me, I wasn't eating it alone.

"Get a fork and come on."

She did, pulling her chair close and slinging her leg over mine like she always did. The food still was tasteless, but I made myself force it down. And two more plates after that, even when I could feel my stomach rejecting it.

I only had an hour left and I didn't want this to end.

We finally finished the food and were finishing off the tea when that weather vamp came in. Benjamin or whatever.

"We are about to leave."

I heard Nessie's heart thud, and I had my arm around her before the panic could come. I pulled her close so I could press my lips to her ear.

"The imprints are coming." Nessie didn't know that. "The guys don't trust the vampires, so everyone except the family is leaving early. They'll wait for us a few miles away."

Her heart calmed.

"Yes." All right, vampire, you've freaking my wife out. What else do you want? "I wanted to say goodbye."

Bye.

"Oh."

Nessie stood up and I felt anger build in my stomach as the vamp walked up to her. It flared when he wrapped his ice-cold, dead arms around her. But it exploded when I saw him tilt his face towards her cheek.

I let out a growl and he backed away.

"My apologies. I didn't mean anything by it." Well, wolves must feel a little differently about their mates than vamps do. What happened to yours? You had one the last time you came around. "Goodbye, Renesmee."

"Goodbye, Benjamin."

I didn't even like to hear her voice say his name. Maybe he didn't want her. Maybe he did just want to say goodbye. But she was my wife and these were my last moments and I didn't want to hear her say any name but mine.

"I'll see you soon, Jacob."

I could have torn him apart. What the fuck was he trying to do, remind her?

Nessie turned to me once he was gone, and I realized I might have pissed her off. Or embarrassed her. I knew it sometimes it pissed girls off when regular guys did territorial shit.

"I'm sorry." For embarrassing you, but not for putting him in his place. "I just don't like other . . . guys touching you."

"I don't like anyone touching me either, Jake." The smallest bit of a good feeling unravelled in my stomach at that. Nessie reached out and brushed back some hair from my face. "Don't be sorry."

I won't. Because I wasn't.

I didn't say anything though, and let Nessie carry our dish to the sink. Then that Huilen vamp showed up. I didn't have as much of a problem with her. I actually felt really bad for her. Vamps didn't normally have friends, I knew, and she had lost her only companion. And he was family, something that you didn't really find in vamps either.

They took him because he was easier to get to than Nessie, so I would always feel bad for him. And always be a little grateful it was him instead of her.

Nessie hugged her very tight and I knew it was because she was feeling guilty. I knew she thought this all was her fault. Like she was responsible for the sickness of bloodsucking perverts half the world away.

Then the Alaskan vampires. I liked them more than everybody else too. No red eyes. Not murderers. At least, not normally.

Then there were no more. Everyone else left from the main door. The burning scent was just an echo.

Then I heard the engine of Leah's jeep.

"The imprints are here." I stood up, and somehow, managed not to fall right back down. "We should probably go out."

"Why are they here though?" She asked as I pulled her easily back outside.

Leah's old jeep was pulling into the long-ass driveway.

"They're - they're staying with you." Leah got out and walked around to the other side. "Sam and Esme are staying too, for . . . protection. The imprints will stay with you since . . . the guys aren't taking any chances."

"Okay."

We just stood there on the porch and watched, Nessie's small hand swallowed by mine, as Kim got out. Then Rachel. Then Seth's girl, Natalie, holding on to Claire's hand. Leah stuck her head in and came out with a baby carrier, one of the twins, and then Emily got out a second later with the other. The last time I had seen her, she was about to bust, but now she was back to looking normal.

I wondered if Nessie noticed how all the imprints immediately ran to their wolves. I wondered if she wondered about their connections, and how strong they were and yet somehow nowhere near as strong as ours.

Sam ran to Emily, instead of the other way around, and Claire just stood in the middle until Quil came and scooped her up into his arms.

Sam kissed Emily and then his children, taking the carrier out of Leah's hands to kiss the baby inside it. I was probably the only one who noticed the dark look go over her face. Leah was okay now, but some things still hurt years later.

Not that I had time to worry about that now.

We watched Sam tell Emily he was staying - although Nessie probably didn't know that was what he was doing - and she collapsed, crying, into his arms.

Fuck, what I would give to be able to do that for Nessie. To gather her up tight in my arms and let her know I wouldn't be leaving her.

I was pulled out of it by Nessie pulling on my hand.

"Nessie, what - "

"Come with me, Jacob." She was half begging, and half commanding. "Please."

I never had a choice. I let her pull me into the house, up the stairs. And into the bathroom. She pulled me inside and clicked the door shut, breathing heavy, and then turned around to face me.

I saw it in her eyes.

But before I could find the strength to stop it, Nessie had her arms wrapped around my neck and used her extra strength to pull her weight up my body. Straight off the floor, and pressed her mouth to mine.

I wrapped my arms around her, holding her securely, and fought against what my body wanted when Nessie tried to press one of her lips in between mine.

"Nessie - we can't - "

"We can, Jake." I thought she'd been desperate last night, but I was wrong. "Everyone's outside - no one will - hear - please, Jake - "

That wasn't the point.

"Nessie - "

"Jake - " Don't beg me, Nessie, please. Don't kiss me like this. "I need you - one more time - _please_."

Need, she said. She needed me. One more time.

And she was my Nessie and my imprint, and I'd be damned if I wouldn't kill myself to give her everything she needed. So I let my mouth move, let myself kiss her back. Turn so I could press her against the wall, her legs wrapping tight around my body.

I didn't want to do this here. Make love to Nessie against a bathroom wall in her parents house while all our friends and family were outside waiting, but . . . she needed me.

And damn it, I needed her too.

That didn't mean I had to be a dog though. I parted my lips like Nessie wanted and kept kissing her, slow and soft. We had to be fast, but . . .

"No, Jacob." She was panting and beautiful and confusing the fuck out of me. "Not like this. Love me hard."

She didn't know what hard was. I did love her hard. I loved her so hard my heart felt like it would explode from it. Why did she think just because I was being gentle with her that meant I loved her less? Just because I controlled myself so I wouldn't _hurt_ her?

"Nessie - "

Nessie's heart thudded.

"Are you even going to miss me at all?" I knew what she was doing, and it pissed me off. It didn't matter that I knew - I didn't even want to hear the words. "Do you even care?"

I heard myself growl, and pressed Nessie more firmly against the wall. I let my fingers thread through her hair. I fought myself to keep control.

"Nessie . . . "

A warning.

"You don't - kiss me like you care - "

I growled again, louder. Didn't kiss her like I cared? I didn't care? Then what the fuck was this?

"You don't even care - what happens to me." I kept kissing her, easy, normal, trying to kiss her into silence. Let her give up. Keep control of the wolf. But I was fucking pissed. "You don't even care if you never see me again."

I stopped.

"Do you even love me at all?"

Something inside me broke. It shattered, and the wolf came roaring out. Every single vicious, angry, hurt bit of him.

I pulled away from Nessie's mouth, rage burning in my stomach hotter than it ever had before. I didn't think I could ever look at something I loved so much with this much anger in my eyes.

"Shut the _fuck_ up, Nessie."

* * *

**Coming up:**

"Jacob - please - "

This time Nessie's voice didn't just hurt me - it pissed me off. I'd told her twice to shut the fuck up, and she didn't listen.

On instinct, I slapped her ass. Hard.

What the hell was all that shit about me being her Alpha then? Huh? All this 'my husband, my Alpha' shit she was always on about? Was it just talk? Because if I was really her Alpha and she trusted me like my mate, she wouldn't do me like this.

And that wasn't even the half of it.

Nessie cried out, but then muffled it by biting on her lip. As hurt and pissed off as I was right now, I still loved her more than anything. She was still my world.

I would never want to hurt her. There was nothing on this earth that would _ever_ make me want to hurt her.

I did want to punish her though.


	63. Lightning Before Thunder

**_A/N:_** Drumroll, please! It . . . is here! But on a serious note, this is probably one of most important chapters from Jacob's POV. The lyrics for this chapter have been picked out since I wrote it in Hands on Me. I just wanted to mention them, because I think they truly catch the full grasp of the chapter. Because in this chapter, Nessie really, truly breaks Jacob. So I think these lyrics are really reminiscent of that.

She broke his throne and cut his hair. Poor Jake. :(

Read on, girls. And don't forget to review. :)

**_Disclaimer:_** I own nothing, and Katie did the title. :) I'm so boring. Just go read, all of you.

* * *

Lightening Before Thunder

* * *

_she tied you to a kitchen chair  
she broke your throne, she cut your hair  
and from your lips she drew the hallelujah_

_- jeff buckley, hallelujah_

-

And then I had my mouth on hers, kissing her just like she fucking wanted.

She wanted hard? I would give her hard. I would love her so fucking hard she wouldn't be able to walk straight. I would love her with every goddamn thing I had.

I forced Nessie's lips apart with my tongue when she didn't submit to me quick enough and then pulled back and nipped at her lips, not being careful. Why should I?

Why should I be careful?

I didn't love her, right? I didn't love her at all. I didn't care what happened to her. Why should I be careful? Why should I take the time to love her soft and easy, make sure she was satisfied? Why should I give a fuck?

I gripped my hand in Nessie's hair tight, making a fist, and kissed her harder. She opened her mouth to mine and let me take her over, kissing with the wolf in charge. Rough and hard, teeth and tongue. Holding nothing back.

That was what she wanted, right?

It was what she wanted. Her body rushed, her scent roaring up hot and heavy and filling the room until it was all I was breathing in.

So she got off on that? Knowing she hurt me so fucking bad I couldn't even control myself anymore?

I thrust my hips into her, hard, and she got hotter. Panting.

I pressed my body up against her so I could take my hands off of her, run them over every inch of her body. Grope every curve.

I couldn't help being impossibly hard. I couldn't help wanting her so bad my head felt like it would explode. She was too fucking sexy. She was so goddamn hot. She was my wife and she was mine and I wanted her before I had to leave her.

Even if she wanted my heart clutched in her fist the entire time.

I pushed my hand up her stomach and to her breasts, over that damn white thing she had on. Fucking buttons. I didn't have time for this shit. I wasn't going to be slow. If we had been doing this how I wanted, I would have undone them one by one, touched her gentle and easy, but now we were gonna do it this way.

My way. The wolf's way.

And the wolf didn't have time for buttons and didn't care about making sure clothes stayed in tact so we could go back out in front of people. The wolf wanted to rip her clothes off and take her.

I snatched my lips back from Nessie's. She was looking beautiful enough to make me melt, but all I could hear was her words ringing in my ear. Love her at all.

Love her at fucking all?

"Get that shit off before I rip it," I commanded her, and she obeyed me.

Quick too, with shaking hands. Scrambling to undo all the buttons. Her submission turned me on even more and that pissed me off. How was she still in control of me now?

I snatched my shirt off while she was doing hers and by the time I was done, she had finished with the buttons. I pulled her into my chest and snatched the damn thing off her arms and threw it on the floor. Fuck it. I didn't care if I ripped it.

I crashed my lips back to Nessie's and pressed my hips harder between her legs, not being easy. Not holding back. She had on some kind of damn tank top thing under the shirt, but it looked like no bra. I reached up and pulled it down from the neckline, under her breasts.

Yeah, I was right. No bra.

I groped each breast hard and then palmed them, pressing hard and kissing her rough. Her nipples were small and hard against my hand, and I wanted to taste them.

I reached under her and grabbed her ass, pulling her up higher, further up my body. I pulled away from Nessie's mouth, ignoring her lips still trying to kiss me, and started down her neck.

I bit the skin just under her jaw and sucked in, hard, past my teeth. I was gonna mark her. Every inch of her my mouth could reach. Marks she couldn't cover. Every single person, man or woman, human or fucking vampire, would know she was mine.

I let the skin go when I was sure I'd done enough to leave a mark and the scraped my teeth over it. Nessie moaned.

"Jacob - "

I didn't want to hear her voice right now. It had always been something that made me happy, but now all I could think when I heard it was her fucking poisonous words. I didn't even want to hear my name, the name of the man who obviously didn't love her enough.

And I had _told_ her to be quiet.

"I thought I told you to shut up?"

Nessie was a smart girl, and didn't answer me. She just shivered hard in my arms, the way she did whenever I used my Alpha voice on her. I ignored it and leaned down further, pulling one of her pink nipples past my lips. Scraping her with my teeth on purpose.

She cried out, a little different from all the times I'd made her do it before. And I liked it.

Her damn skirt was getting in the way, big as hell, so I reached down and snatched it up, so there was one less layer between us. Then her skin was against mine, her inner thighs against my sides and her wet, wet panties against my stomach.

Nessie was pretty turned on, but she wasn't getting hers until I decided to give it to her. And I was not fucking ready yet.

I left her breast and moved back up to her mouth, hissing when her wet nipples came into contact with my chest. I nipped at Nessie's bottom lip with my teeth, because I could. I brought my hand back under her skirt to grope her ass. Nessie's fingers buried themselves in my hair and used it for balance, so she could grind her hips against me better.

She wasn't lying when she said she needed me.

No way in hell I was putting her down though. I held her against the wall with my body, screwing her leverage plan and leaving both my hands free.

So I could rip her damn panties clean off her body. Nessie gasped loud like she was fucking shocked.

She wanted rough, didn't she? Well, here's rough. Right here, baby. Still like it so much?

There was nothing between between Nessie and my stomach now, so I felt her, her wetness and heat, pressed against my skin. She was _so_ fucking wet.

I growled, because didn't have to hold it back any more. She wanted the animal inside her man, and here he was. Claws and all. And what I smelled was my mate, and it turned me on. So I growled.

I pulled away from her mouth again without warning. Nessie kept leaning forward, trying to keep our lips connected, but I reached out and pushed her by the shoulder back against the wall.

Then I brought my hands down to my jeans. Nessie decided she was going to be helpful and wrapped her arms around my neck, bracing her back against the wall to give me room.

I unbuttoned and dropped my jeans, and then stepped forward and pressed myself against Nessie. Our noses brushed, and my hard on slid right across her wetness. My eyes almost rolled back. Skin against skin.

"Jacob - please - "

This time Nessie's voice didn't just hurt me - it pissed me off. I'd told her twice to shut the fuck up, and she didn't listen.

On instinct, I slapped her ass. Hard.

What the hell was all that shit about me being her Alpha then? Huh? All this 'my husband, my Alpha' shit she was always on about? Was it just talk? Because if I was really her Alpha and she trusted me like my mate, she wouldn't do me like this.

And that wasn't even the half of it.

Nessie cried out, but then muffled it by biting on her lip. As hurt and pissed off as I was right now, I still loved her more than anything. She was still my world.

I would never want to hurt her. There was nothing on this earth that would _ever_ make me want to hurt her.

I did want to punish her though.

Teach her the difference between real fucking love, what I was really doing for her, and how you _did not_ talk to the person about to go lay down their life for you.

I lined myself up with Nessie's entrance, and she made the smallest sound.

"You will _never_ say anything like that to me again."

And I didn't touch her. I didn't give it to her soft and easy like I always had. I didn't stretch her or make sure she was ready.

I gave it all to her. One thrust, all the way.

Nessie groaned out loud and I hissed. How had I gone my whole life without feeling this? This was different from every time I'd been inside of her before. Her heat was stronger and her _wetness_ was fucking incredible. I could feel every inch of her, of her skin. Gripping me tight.

I'd never been closer to her. And I'd never been more pissed off.

I took another second, panting at the pure tightness, Nessie gripping my shoulders hard, before I pulled back. I thrust back hard, and slapped Nessie's ass again, just as hard.

I wasn't done.

"You will _never_ doubt that I fucking love you." Another thrust. I wanted her to feel me in her throat. "You understand that? Answer me."

"Yes, Jacob."

That's right. That's how you talk to me.

I nipped her lips, then licked them.

"Every thought." Thrust. "Every word." Thrust. "Every movement." Thrust. "Every fucking breath I take is for you."

How dare she? How dare she say I didn't love her? Didn't she know what I was without her? What did she think all this fucking was?

"Without you, I would shoot myself in the fucking head." I always wished I'd never have to tell her that - about that dark time - but apparently I did. "I would have. I almost did. And then you were born, and everything got all the fuck better."

She didn't say anything and she didn't have to. She was done talking. It was my turn now.

"You want to see how much I fucking love you?" Was this how I had to show her? Then I would. She nodded. "Then you better hold the fuck on."

She wrapped her arms tight around me and I gripped her hips hard, bringing my mouth back down on hers. Then I started to drive into her.

Hard and rough. With everything I had and had been afraid to give her. She asked for it and she got it - it was too late to take it back.

God, it was so good. Why did the first time I felt her this way have to be like this?

I used my hands to pull her away from my body and then back, finding a rhythm with the way my hips were thrusting.

"Feel that?" I asked her when I felt myself brush across that place that made her writhe under me. It felt good on me too. She whined and nodded. "You feel how much I love you?"

How hard and strong until sometimes I can't even fucking breathe because I love you so goddamn fucking much? Do you _fucking_ feel it, Nessie?

She nodded, her eyes fluttering shut. That wasn't what I wanted and she knew it.

"Answer me." She had no problem talking before.

"Yes, J-Jacob." I enjoyed hearing my name that time. "Yes, I feel it."

"Has anyone ever loved you as much as me?"

My body couldn't stop moving - hard, punishing thrusts into her wet heat.

"No, Jacob." She knew what I wanted to hear now, and leaned forward and licked my face. Probably sweat. "No one."

Damn right. No one. A lot of fucking people would love you, Nessie, because you're so amazing - but _no one_ would ever love you like me.

"Has anyone else ever made you feel the way I'm making you feel now?"

"No." Right away. Yes.

Nobody ever touched her like this. Kissed her. Saw her, beautiful and half-naked and out of control. Under mine.

"Ever even come close?"

"No."

Only me.

I let one of my hands come up to her hair, and pulled her mouth towards mine. She submitted to my kiss, to my thrusts, to my demands, and that only made me hotter.

I pulled away from her mouth to go down her jaw and back to her ear, nipping the lobe of it. Her skin still tasted sweet. I could never not love her, never not love this body. She could rip me inside out and I'd still fall at her feet.

I felt wetness that wasn't sweat land on my cheek, falling from Nessie's face. I didn't feel half as bad as I should've. I tilted my lips toward her ear. I wasn't done teaching her.

"Who do you belong to?"

I needed to hear her say it. I needed to know that she knew it.

"You."

She was panting and rolling her hips against me. She was in another place, but she was right here with me.

I couldn't leave her without knowing she got exactly how this worked. I wasn't leaving her because I didn't fucking love her, and I never thought she would be cruel enough to say that to me. I knew she was hurting, but there were some blows that were too low.

It was an insult to everything I'd ever fucking done for her - every fight I'd fought, big and small. Every kiss I'd ever given her and every secret we'd ever shared.

She was a fucking part of me. To doubt that I _loved _her . . . didn't she fucking know me at all?

"And who belongs to you?"

Wholly, completely, beyond any kind of doubt?

"You."

"Say it." After all that shit she'd spewed, I needed to hear it.

"W-what?"

I kissed her powerfully, hungrily, and then pulled back.

"Say that you belong to me."

"I belong to you, Jacob," she whispered into my mouth, and I tried to breathe them in. I'd need those words to keep me alive while I was away from her. I thrust into her again, hard. "You and only you. I'm yours forever. Take me, Jacob."

Ah. Oh, God. There it was. She got it.

I gave her what she wanted and took her, hard. She was mine and I was hers and that was how it worked. She better not ever forget that.

"Who am I?" I licked - straight up licked - all the way up Nessie's neck, and she arched into me. "What am I to you?"

"You're my husband." I inhaled those words too. "My Alpha." I hoped she knew what that meant now. "My Jacob."

"Your who?"

"My Jacob."

That's right. That's what I was. Hers. Her Jacob. And I always had been.

"And does your Jacob love you?"

"Yes." She was crying now. She got it. She needed to. She needed to never talk to me like that again. "Yes, he does."

Good girl.

"Say it."

"My Jacob loves me." Yes, he fucking does. And don't you ever forget that again. "And I love him. I love you so much, my Jacob. I'm so - so sorry."

I let my head fall from brushing Nessie's tears away with my mouth to her neck. My body pushed me harder and I gave in to it. The wolf was out and there was no calling him back.

I was close. There was the tension in my stomach I couldn't ignore. And as pissed as I may be - as fucking much as she hurt me, even out of her own fear and desperation - I couldn't go over without her.

I let go of her hip to press my thumb against the small place at the front of her.

"Now, Nessie." She would know what I meant. And she would obey me. "Now."

I massaged harder and bit down on the sensitive side of her neck and then her body was clenching around me.

"Fuck!" Yeah, baby. "Jacob . . . Jake . . ."

And I could _feel_ it. Every inch of her, every sensation. The rush of wetness around me. When she started coming down the down side of it, I took my hand off her and moved it back into her hip so I could drive into her.

I kissed her, hard and desperate, and pounded into her with everything I had. I shoved our torsos back against the wall and gripped Nessie's hips hard, giving her everything I had. And she took it, gasping and writhing against me the whole time. She took it.

Then it came roaring over. It was like a wave of fire. It was strong and all-encompassing, building from my stomach and spreading to every part of my body.

It was hot and primal and uncontrollable - and when I released . . . it had never been like that before. It was almost completely animalistic - it was my seed. Inside of her, and it would stay there. Marking her, claiming her. In a way I never had before.

She _was_ mine.

And then Nessie's body was clenching around mine again - I was feeling the hot rush of wetness _again_. All of it. I groaned at the shock of it and kept thrusting my hips, trying to keep it going.

My love and lust was like a whirlpool, sucking me in and pulling me under. Everything, enveloping me and taking me over.

There was never anything besides her. There would never be anything besides her. I loved her and I was leaving her and I might never see her again - I might die and leave her all alone and that was more than either of us should ever have to deal with. I loved her. I _loved_ her, goddamn it.

God, I loved this woman.

"Nessie - Ness - "

I rode the high all the way down, and then I drained. We both drained.

And everything came back. Full fucking force.

I wasn't angry anymore. Nowhere near it. Nessie had hurt me, but I had hurt her too. Even if I hadn't meant it. God, she was still so young, and I had just . . . lost control on her.

I was supposed to protect her, and I . . .

God. I - I fucked her.

That - that wasn't making love. That wasn't respect, or tenderness. That wasn't the way you treated your soul mate, the woman you promised to love and protect for the rest of your life.

That was a fuck against a bathroom wall. That was what you gave a whore in a bar.

Jesus.

I didn't do anything. I stayed there, inside her, until I went soft. And then I made myself pull out. I didn't look at her. I didn't think I could bear to yet. Was she afraid of me?

I slid my fingers out of her hair and down to her breasts, where I'd yanked her tank top down to expose them, and pulled it up and out so they fell back inside and she was covered again.

Then, very slowly, I set her back down on her feet.

I expected her to scream at me or hit me, or maybe even run. I didn't expect her to fall down on her knees. I figured it out before too long. She took my jeans that were still hanging around my ankles in her hands, and pulled them back up my legs.

What was this? So - did she not hate me then? Was she not afraid?

She pulled them up over my hips, and tucked me carefully back inside. Then she buttoned them, and again carefully, zipped them back up. I was so . . . touched I couldn't even say anything.

Then she leaned in and kissed the line of my hip.

I felt her lip part against my skin, and then heard her whisper, "I'm so sorry, Jacob."

No. I could come to terms with her forgiving me, but . . . not asking me for forgiveness. Maybe . . . maybe we hurt each other. We took from each other. We were even then.

I reached down and pulled her off her knees. Stepped back and sat on the toilet, pulling her between my legs so we were level.

"No - Nessie, I'm so - I can't believe I - "

"It was what I wanted." H-how? "I'm so sorry for saying those things to you, but I just wanted . . . "

She didn't finish her sentence, so after a few seconds I just nodded. I may not understand exactly, but I did enough.

But still. She might have had an excuse - but I didn't.

"Are you hurt?"

I'd never forgive myself if she was. God, I'd been so _rough_.

She shook her head hard, her curls shaking.

Then I remembered - how I'd smacked her. Fuck. I'd hit her hard.

"Turn around."

She did, moving so her back was facing me. I slid my hand up the back of her thigh, pulling up her skirt, almost afraid of what I would see. My hand rubbed over her ass before I saw it, and I took it as a good sign that she didn't jump.

I lifted my arm to pull her skirt up to see the place where I'd smacked her ass bright pink. My stomach rolled in disgust as I realized I'd thought about that before.

Nessie looked over her shoulder.

"It's fine, Jacob." She turned around to face me and her skirt fell back down. "I'm okay, don't - don't."

So I didn't. I just pulled her into my arms and hugged her. Held her there. Soft.

I kissed one of the best places on her neck, the one I'd been the roughest on, and Nessie held onto me tight.

I pulled back and cupped her cheek with my hand and kissed her softly, trying with everything I had to make up for before. Because I didn't know how long we'd been in here, but I did know our time was up.

"We have to go back down now, honey," I whispered, since I couldn't even force myself to say it out loud. I wasn't sure if I would be able to hold it together now. I was so . . . open.

Nessie didn't start crying again or beg me to stay. She just took a deep breath and stepped back. I stood up while Nessie gathered up both of our shirts from opposite sides of the bathroom, and handed mine to me. I pulled mine on, my eyes falling to Nessie's ripped panties on the bathroom floor. The black, lacy ones I'd helped her into yesterday morning.

I looked up at Nessie, who had her back to me, still buttoning her shirt. Before I could think twice about it, I picked them up and slipped them into my pocket. I didn't really know why, but did it matter?

Nessie turned back around to face me and I knew that was it. I walked to the door.

"Jacob?" Her sweet voice said, quietly, as soon as my hand laid on it. "You have to promise me something."

I wanted to say anything, everything, whatever you want. But I didn't know what she wanted, and I wouldn't make her a promise I couldn't keep. I took a long second, and then I nodded.

Nessie reached out and took my left hand with hers.

"Promise me you'll do everything you can to . . . come back."

"Of course I will." I definitely would break my back to get back to her. What did she think, I had a death wish?

"Even if . . . " Nessie's eyes looked . . . ashamed. "Even if you . . . have to leave something. Or someone. You have to swear to me you'll get back if you can."

When I realized what she was asking me, my heart hurt. My brain tried to wrap around it. I understood the guilt and shame in her eyes now. I was going off to fight with nearly every member of her family and all of her friends, every person she loved. To ask me what she was . . .

How much did this woman love me?

All I could do was nod.

"Stay close to Alice." She stepped closer to me and stretched up, wrapping her arms around my neck. "And Daddy and Momma."

I nodded again. Her beautiful eyes widened.

"Come back to me, Jacob."

If it kills me. "I swear I'll do everything I can."

I held her hand a little tighter, so small in mine. "Listen to Esme."

She nodded and I didn't have anything else to say. We had to leave. I had to open the door. I did.

We walked down the stairs together and I don't think I've ever walked so slow. I felt like I was trying to pull back time. Out the door, out to where everybody else was still saying goodbye. The Cullens were out there too, Jasper and Emmett guarding the tracker. He was brought down this morning and had been under double-guard ever since.

Nessie looked at the box and then me, her eyes wide. I forgot she didn't know what it was.

"The tracker," was all I said.

Bells and Edward were in front of us the second they laid eyes on us. Were they distracted enough not to have heard us? I knew they could easily smell the sex on us, but I didn't care. This was my wife and I was leaving and no one could judge us for it.

Nessie rushed into the middle of her family, hugging and kissing her parents and grandparents and aunts and uncles. I knew she needed that, so I stepped back. I had family left too that I needed to say goodbye to.

Rachel was standing a couple of yards away in Paul's arms, and I walked up to them. Paul didn't look happy about it, but he stepped back and let Rachel move from clinging to him to me.

"Jake!"

"Hey, little sister," I said, since I wasn't sure what else to say. She was tall, much taller than Nessie, and it was easier for her to wrap her arms around my neck. I hugged her back. "What's going on?"

"Jake!" She was half getting on to me, and half trying to keep from crying. She rested her head on my chest. "I'm older than you! How many times do I have to tell you that?"

"And how many times do I have to tell you that I am still a foot taller than you," I said, trying to smile, but it felt weird on my face.

"Jacob, let's be serious," she murmured, and I nodded.

"Okay."

"I love you."

I let my head drop down to kiss her hair. What if I never saw my sister again? What if she lost her brother and her mate? I never wanted that for her.

"Me too, Rach." I rubbed my hand over her hair and kissed her forehead. I smelled the tears before I saw them break loose from her eyes. Shit. "Me too. Take care of yourself, all right? Watch Ness for me."

She nodded. I avoided pulling back to look at her for as long as I could. I didn't want to see my big sister cry.

"Be safe," she whispered, and I nodded. That was kind of an impossible promise to keep. "Don't do anything stupid. Watch Paul, please and - and come _home_."

That was when the waterworks started and Paul had her out of my arms a second later. Paul was a bastard, but he was a good imprint. He pulled Rachel to the side, kissing on her face and whispering to her.

I felt a tug in my stomach - Nessie's pull - and I turned around to see her standing on her own, watching me.

She ran to me before I could even make my legs move. She didn't jump into my arms, just stopped right in front of me.

"Jacob."

"Nessie."

That was about all there was to say.

She leaned into my chest and I held her. We didn't talk, and for the most part, I tried not to think. I just held her and memorized every curve of her body. The way her arms felt around my waist and her cheek against my chest. The way her breasts felt against my stomach, her hair under my hand.

I held her while everyone else did their kisses and goodbyes and I held her while they regrouped. I held her until there was absolutely no time left.

I swallowed, trying to wet my dry throat, and said her name. Her beautiful, beautiful name.

I reached up and pulled my mom's chain away from Nessie's neck, unhooking it. I did have a piece of me to leave with her. Nessie just watched, quiet, as I pulled off my wedding ring and slid it onto her chain. I hooked it back to her soft, slim neck.

"Keep that safe for me." I tried not to think if I would live to have Nessie slide that ring back on my finger. Or if it would just be a . . . a reminder. "I want it back."

Would my wife become a widow?

Before I could hold it in, I snatched her up my body. I didn't care if her family or mine or the whole damn world was watching. If this was my last kiss, it would be a fucking good one. Open mouthed and open-hearted. Everything I had, no barriers, no walls. Everything open for her to take from. All of my love and my memories and all the rest of it. Straight to her. I didn't need it - she could have it all and give it back if I made it back to her.

Nessie pressed her tiny hand to my cheek and gave it all back. I felt every thing she was feeling, her fear and her love. So much love. So much _fucking_ love.

I don't know how long I kissed her, but I knew when it was time to end it. I took one more taste of her mouth and Nessie's tongue took one more lick across my bottom lip. And then I pulled back.

And now to say goodbye.

"I love you." A given. Always. "And if - if I don't - "

"No!" She pressed her fingers to my lips. I know you don't want to hear it, baby, and I don't want to say it. But . . . "Jacob, don't."

"But if I don't . . . come back - "

She needed to hear this. She needed to hear that if . . . I died . . . I didn't expect . . .

"But you will!"

"If I don't," I said seriously, and she backed down a little. "I want you to know that. That I love you." Forever. "And you can - I won't blame you if you - "

I didn't want to tell her that I . . . I wanted her to . . . marry again. Just the thought of her even wanting someone else made me want to vomit. To die.

But if . . . if I was dead . . . and there was _any _way Nessie could . . . be happy again or . . .

I think I would want her to take it.

But Nessie kissed me hard, and wouldn't let me finish. I didn't try again, because I didn't want to hear the words anyway.

"I'm keeping your ring for you." I know you are, baby. "And I love you too." Thank you. "And that's it, Jacob. No more."

No more?

There really wasn't, was there?

Harder than coming to terms with the fact that she loved Seth instead of me, letting her run away from me that day in my room. Making love to her the first time and pushing through that extra inch that made her cry out. Seeing her walk the next day, limping. Watching her sob under me on our last night in our home, knowing I was only going to hurt her even more.

All of those things weren't _shit_ on how hard it was to put her down.

"I love you, my Jacob."

Would that seriously be the last time I heard that?

Nessie looked over her shoulder and so I did too. Esme was there, holding her arm. There to make sure she got back safely into the house.

Because I had to go.

"I love you too, my Nessie."

I stood there, just watching, as Esme pulled her away. Away from me. I watched her go, holding onto her hand until our arms couldn't reach anymore. It literally felt like a knife to my chest when her fingers slipped out of mine. I wanted to just run after her, but I couldn't.

I just stood there, and watched her go. Back, back, up the stairs, onto the porch.

Then into the house.

And then the door shut, and I couldn't see her anymore. Her scent was an echo, what she left behind. Her heartbeat was muffled, almost not there.

I would not see her again. Unless I lived.

I had never been more afraid of death.

I stood there until her heartbeat had faded completely. She had moved deeper into the house.

And so I slowly stepped back. Then another step. Then another. And then I finally turned around and kept going. I walked straight to the clearing where everyone was waiting, feeling this . . . aching numbness settle in. Better than the raw, salted wound I was expecting. Hopefully it would stay like this.

Edward reached out and put his hand on my shoulder, and I caught him around the neck, a half-hug. I let my head hang for just a second, before I had to start being Alpha.

"Come on, Jake." His freezing hand patted my arm. Over my shirt, but it was still freezing. "It's all right."

Okay, that was it. Man up, Jake.

"Yeah, I know." I squared my shoulders. "Let's go."

And so we started our march off to war.

* * *

**I know, I'm horrible again.** But here's another peek at something else I started playing with forever ago. I don't know if it will ever get finished/posted, and I know it's not _Undeniable_, but it's what I got!

_God Love Her_:

I knew she was supposed to be mine from the second I saw her. What can I say? It's not politically correct or some bullshit and you'll never see me as the good guy in a LifeTime movie, but that's the way it was. I loved her and I wanted her.

I didn't really care that she was fifteen.

I mean, at nineteen it's not even really that big of a difference, but people get weirded out. If I'd have been a day under eighteen it would've been completely acceptable to everyone, but no - the law man says eighteen's the cut off. Who the fuck were they to decide who was grown and who wasn't?

If I'm honest with myself though, there were other issues besides the fact that we were staring pretty from opposite sides of the 'eighteen' fence. The long hair and the motorcycle probably would've raised a few eyebrows on its own anyway.

But like I said, or maybe I haven't already - I'm sure it's been implied - I don't give a damn what they think. And Nessie doesn't either.

She was the most gorgeous thing on two, four, or six legs that I'd ever seen. Long copper hair and creamy white skin that went on forever. Wide brown eyes - never was a guy to pay much attention to a girl's eyes when there were other parts much more grabbing to my eye, but hell if hers didn't get me every time.

I saw her for the first time coming out of church. I wasn't attending, of course, but I got a call from my buddy Quil whose car had stalled right across the road from it and I'd rode out to see if I could figure out what was up. She came out of that church looking like a fucking angel - she honestly made me want to repent right then and there. I never was a church-goer, but if that's what was inside, you'd find me in the front pew every Sunday.

No, the back pew, so I could look at her, wherever she sat.

No, her pew. I'd definitely have to sit in whatever row she was in.


	64. In the Dirt

_**A/N:**_ *sidles back in quietly*. Hi. So . . . who missed me? Okay, okay, I'll rephrase - who missed Jake? :D

So I've been gone about a million years, but I know you're still out there. I just want to thank everyone for being so faithful and patient and sweet and kind. I could go on and on with positive adjectives, but then the A/N would be too long and scare people off and no one would read it. :) But in all honesty, I do love you guys.

That said . . . I'm not re-establishing regular updates just yet. *dodges fruit and other rotten things* I know, that sucks hard, but I'm **going to Libya the 11th**, God willing, and I won't have a regular internet connection. But I _will_ be writing a lot. Tripoli is just the kind of place that inspires you. :) People interested or looking for updates on what's going on with me or my stories, you can check my twitter, the link for which is on my page.

This chapter has been written for a very long while - actually finished before _Hands on Me_ was - so I decided it was about time I gave it to y'all. You deserve something for waiting so patiently! And if I do say so myself, this is a pretty good chapter. It's our first look into their separation from Jacob's side, and how not-well he really handles it.

Poor kids. They weren't meant to be apart. :(

But please, take this, read, and enjoy. Wish me safe travels, and I pray to see you all again soon.

_Endless love. xx. _

_**Disclaimer:**_ I don't own anything. Not even the title - only an obscene love for it, because it is epic. Credit for it's creation goes to the one and only Katie. There has never been another quite the same.

_**Dedication**_: This chapter goes to every person who read, reviewed, and patiently waited. And to every Jacob who's ever missed their Nessie until their eyes hurt. Just remember she's in her own barricaded bathroom, missing you too.

* * *

In the Dirt

* * *

_but for what we've become, we just feel more alone  
always weigh what i've got against what i left  
so progress report: i am missing you to death_

_- fall out boy, i slept with someone in fall out boy_

...

We ran, following the pixie's lead, for a long time. We met up with the other vamps about ten miles out, took head count, and kept going. There was hardly any talking, I don't think I said ten words, but then I didn't really have anything to say, did I?

I was a dumb-ass to think it would get easier as it went on. The first hundred miles were the easiest. Then I was the farthest I'd ever been from her - that was hell, and then on top of that knowing it might be the closest I'd ever be to her again . . .

But I just kept running.

I didn't know where we were going and I didn't ask. It didn't matter which state, or which fucking country. All that mattered was that I was far from her, and I could feel it.

With every step, I could feel it.

It was like that string behind my navel that connected us was stretching. It could never break - it didn't want to stretch either - but I was giving it not choice. It was like my body was about to turn inside out from pain. It was the same for Seth and Quil too. We all tried not to think about it, even though it was all we thought about.

Finally, our energy began to lag. The wolves, that is. The vamps were dead - they didn't have blood or hearts and they didn't need sleep. We did though, and we all felt a little weak for it - in the back of our heads, even though we tried not to show it to the others.

And I hadn't slept more than an hour in two days. I wasn't used to the long shifts on no sleep we used to run - none of us were, although everyone - in my pack, at least - seemed to have got a little more than me.

Seth had an . . . interesting night with his imprint that I was trying really hard not to see. Not to let it remind me of my own night . . . my morning. It wasn't for anybody else to see and it wouldn't do me any good to remember it now.

Finally, when I noticed Leah was trying to count trees as we ran past to keep from falling asleep on her feet, I knew we had to stop. My pack couldn't fight if they were run into the ground.

_I'll run you into the ground_, Leah thought, but I ignored it.

_Edward?_ I thought out. He flashed his head around to me, letting me know he was listening. _My pack needs rest._

I knew it wasn't really the best time - the vamps did better to run at night. And it was just getting dark now. If we stopped and ate up nighttime, it would put us running more through the day. But it was how it worked out. We didn't need eight hours, just something to keep us on our feet.

_Speak for yourself_, Leah's head grumbled.

_I speak for you too, don't forget it_, I snapped. I didn't care. I was tired and pissed and trying to help her stubborn ass out. It wasn't the time for Leah-attitude.

_Sorry, Alpha. _The tone was sarcastic, but the words were sincere.

We slowed to a jog, and then Edward gave the call to stop. I let out a low howl that told all my brothers, the ones not in my head, to do the same. Edward turned and faced me.

_Two hours_, I thought his in direction. _Just enough to keep us fresh_.

"No, it's fine," he said, not breathless, even though he should have been if he were normal. Even _we_ were. "We're on schedule - Alice's visions haven't changed."

I stalked off behind a tree, out of habit really since I could care less right about now, and phased back. Everything crashed back on me as I pulled back on my jeans. I took a second - just one - to lean back against the trunk of the tree and let it hit me.

Then I straightened back up and walked back out. Everyone else was still wolf.

"We're stopping for two hours to rest." I could tell, as Alpha, just from looking at my pack that they were tired. The vamps would not be able to, but I could. I was their leader and their brother. I could tell. "We won't again for awhile, so try to sleep. We'll see about hunting."

Human food was out, I was pretty sure.

The wolves nodded or growled to show they understood, and fanned out - ignoring the vamps completely, or as best they could - and laid down. I saw no one lay down their head or close their eyes though - too many strange bloodsuckers around. I understood.

There's a difference between knowing something in your mind and believing it - they knew these vamps were with us. That didn't mean we felt safe enough to turn our back on bloodsuckers.

Bloodsuckers with red eyes.

_They're not going to sleep with them around_, I thought in Edward's direction, knowing he would know good and well who 'them' were.

Edward just nodded and made the announcement to set themselves up about a half-mile away. It was a distance any of us could close in seconds, but far enough to give the wolves some peace of mind.

Carlisle, Rosalie, and Emmett went with the vamps. The rest of the Cullens stayed here, so we were split. I guess trying to make it seem like they weren't shoving the wolves off, even though I was the one who had them sent away.

"You need to sleep too, Jacob." I looked up to see Edward come up behind me. How long had I been standing? "You're dead on your feet."

"I'm not dead," I spat. "Not yet."

I needed to be alone. I needed to sleep, but mostly I needed to wallow in my pain and misery before I had to rein it back in to share my head with people.

"I'll be back in two hours."

I walked off into the woods to find a place to myself. Far enough to hear a raised voice, but not a lowered one. I just needed to think.

I collapsed onto the ground, human, and laid my head against the base of a tree. My tired body welcomed it.

I should use the two hours to sleep . . . but my brain was filled with Nessie.

God, Nessie.

Nessie's face, perfect and beautiful and sweet. Her body, warm and curvy and welcoming . . .

Her eyes . . . as I left her. Fuck!

I rolled over onto my stomach, bracing my face on my arms. Why hadn't I brought a goddamn cell phone or something? So I could talk to her? Message her? Make sure she was all right?

Was she crying? Was she okay? I knew she was trying to be brave for me . . . I hoped the other imprints were helping her.

Was she - was she mad at me? For leaving?

Fuck, I missed her. She was inside my body, inside my head. Every thought or memory I could possibly pull up included her. Everything I had suppressed so the others wouldn't see.

Nessie under me, panting. In my bed, on the floor. Or on her knees, over the edge of the bed - the kitchen table - the sofa. God, she was so fucking hot. So sweet. She kept trying to look over her shoulder, look back at me.

The look on her face when she asked me to smack her - the way her scent . . . filled up the room every time I did. The way she loved to trust me, to give me the control. She was my perfect mate. She was exactly what I needed - I always knew how to give her what she wanted.

Was that why I had lost control in the house like that? I mean, I'd been pissed, sure. Angry. She'd provoked me past anything I'd ever been with her. But - she wanted me to lose it. For whatever fucked up reason.

Not that I should have done it, but somehow Nessie thought giving it to her rough meant I loved her.

And God, I did love her.

I tried not to roar in frustration, since it would carry, and rolled over onto my back to give my hard on room to breathe. What in the fuck was wrong with me?

I just left my wife. I might die. How in the _fuck_ was I getting turned on?

One thing was for sure, I shouldn't be. Nessie was probably in fucking pieces, although I hoped she wasn't. She definitely wasn't getting herself off, that's for sure.

I got pissed as I felt myself get harder, at the thought of Nessie . . . oh, fuck, that was a strong image.

Nessie, touching herself. Thinking about me, missing me.

I tried to push it away. Think of other stuff. Not thinking of Nessie was out of the question, but I tried to think back. Nessie as a baby, perfect and sweet. So young and innocent, when I never had this problem.

But honestly, I could never think of anything to do with Nessie as a problem.

She used to sit on my knee and I'd bounce her around, even though she could easily jump way higher if she wanted to.

God, if I did that now . . . it would probably turn her on. Already on my lap, my leg between hers like that . . .

Goddamn it.

Out of pure frustration and need to do something, I snatched my wolf shirt out of my pocket. Just to make a jerky action, release some tension.

But with it came a small scrap of black lace. Nessie's panties. I had forgotten they were there. I picked them up, laying them across my palm. I knew they were stretchy, but damn. They weren't much bigger than my hand.

I could still smell her scent coming off of them. God. Almost like she was here.

I groaned, remembering how I'd ripped them off her body. How she gasped and writhed against me. So fucking hot. Wet. Mine.

I was literally about to bust the fucking seam on my jeans. I was sick, and I decided I didn't care. I brought the panties up to my nose and inhaled. Closed my eyes and tried to imagine Nessie was close. That I was in bed with her, not on the cold fucking forest floor _somewhere_ in continental North America.

Her scent was amazing, even when it wasn't as concentrated as when she was in front of me. Ness would probably be disgusted if she was here now. But she wasn't - she was really fucking far and I missed her _really_ bad and I wasn't half as strong as I thought I was.

My other hand reached down and undid my jeans.

Disgust curled up in my stomach with my lust, but I ignored it. Like this situation could get any more fucked up. I slid down the zipper and drew myself out, hissing a little at the feeling. Only because I was so far gone.

I hadn't used my hand since we'd been married - it didn't feel right anymore, Shit, it didn't feel right now - and it was easy to tell my hand was shit compared with Nessie's. Her small, delicate, warm hands . . . or her body. Her body was the best.

But I didn't have either of those - I just had my hand.

I took the panties into my right hand and threw my left arm over my eyes. I didn't want to see anything, remind myself where I was. I just wanted the pictures on the inside of my head - those hurt too, but those pictures had Nessie in them.

I threaded my hand through the lace and wrapped my fingers around myself. I tried to imagine Nessie was still wearing them, that I was laying on top of her or standing behind her, sliding myself between her thighs, teasing her.

I knew it would be painful as shit once the climax high went away, but I let myself imagine my homecoming. Walking into our house - I didn't care if it didn't make sense - I wanted to imagine Nessie in our house. She'd come running up and I'd snatch her in my arms, take her straight back to the bedroom.

Give it to her hard and fast, since she liked it like that. More loving than last time though. Not angry, just in love. But she would be safe - I would be with her - no need for a condom. I could feel her, every inch of her, like I was meant to.

Ah.

I let my head run with it. Nessie leaning into my neck, rolling us over on my bed.

"Let me take care of you, my Jacob," her sweet voice would say.

Then she'd lower her her body onto mine.

Oh, fuck. I gripped a little tighter and pushed my hips up into my hand, like I would have to do if I was on my back with Nessie.

I imagined her riding me - God, that would be a fucking sight. We'd never done that. I hadn't . . . wanted to ask her to do anything. I wanted to take care of her. She'd never mentioned it - she'd brought up the spanking, so I figured if it was something she really wanted, she would tell me.

But God, I was kinda regretting it now. What if I died without ever having seen that?

She would be amazing. I'd hold onto her hips, help her move the way I wanted, her body on perfect display for me. I'd be able to see every inch of her - then . . . near the end, when she sped up . . . her breasts would look amazing.

Then I got . . . the best image. One of the ones I'd been trying to keep out because they were way too beautiful to think about, too hard to enjoy and know it might never happen.

One thing was the same: Nessie was over me, riding me. But there was a big difference. Her stomach. Instead of perfectly flat, soft . . . it was rounded out. Soft skin, but much more firm. And inside, was our baby.

Nessie, pregnant with our child. Making love to a pregnant Nessie.

I'd never . . . thought pregnant women were sexy . . . I hadn't thought anyone was sexy in years, until Nessie grew up, but . . . God. Even in my imagination, it was so beautiful. To be able to give her that, a baby, like she wanted. And to see her like that . . .

I imagined holding onto her belly while her body rocked over mine. So beautiful.

Maybe she'd have to lean back, hold onto my legs. Her body would look even better then. I'd run my hands up her thighs, up her sides and then around the front of her body to pluck at her nipples. Back down to hold her stomach.

Damn it, I wanted it so bad.

I imagined her like that and my hand worked faster. Her small hands on my thighs. Her body, swelled out and beautiful - not sick, not hurting, amazing - moving up and down.

My hands on her stomach instead of her hips, steadying her.

Against my palm, I'd feel a kick.

Goddamn it. Everything I could possibly ever want and might never have.

I worked my hand harder, let it build, let the story keep playing in my head.

Nessie's body, working faster and faster. She was getting close, I could feel it. I could tell from her pants and her sighs, her breathing getting faster and faster.

"Oh! Oh, Jake . . . _Jake_."

I brought my arm down to my mouth - still keeping my eyes shut tight so I didn't lose the picture - and bit down so I didn't call out. I imagined her mouth in that beautiful o-shape it made, her hair thrown back, brushing my legs.

I raked my heels through the dirt and bit my flesh clean through, until I tasted blood. I rode out the pleasure and the image as long as I could.

But soon, all too soon, the pleasure was gone and Nessie's sweet body had faded from above me, and I was just alone in the dirt.

I took my arm out of my mouth and let it collapse to the ground, forcing myself to lick the remaining blood off of my teeth. I stared at the leaves on the tree above me.

If Nessie were here, I wouldn't have to swallow it down or spit it out . . . she'd take it. Nessie liked my blood. I could tell, even though she only bit me hard enough to break skin the one time.

I loosened my grip on myself and pulled my hand away, bringing Nessie's lace panties with me. I left them resting on my stomach, and let my other arm collapse onto the dirt too.

I gave myself a few minutes to wallow in the disgust I felt for what I had just done. I really was a pervert.

My body felt heavy. The fantasy of Nessie and the crash after the orgasm left me tired in a way I hadn't been before.

I lifted my head up just enough to look over my body. Somehow, I'd avoided making a mess over myself. Not out of any attempt of my own, that's for sure, because I'd been too far fucking gone to give a damn about any of that.

I shoved myself tiredly back inside my jeans and did them up. I didn't bring Nessie's panties back up to my nose, because I knew now they'd smell like me more than her. I hadn't messed them up too bad though, so I stuffed them back into my pocket.

I rolled over, kicking dirt over my mess and throwing a handful over the blood. My wound was just sealing over. It probably should have been healed by now, but everything else in my body was fucked up, so why not?

I rested my head on one of my forearms and closed my eyes again. Tried to think of Nessie in a non-painful way, which was impossible. I settled for fantasy again. I was laying in bed, and Nessie was in the kitchen. I could still hear her heart and smell her scent. She was making breakfast and I could smell it.

She would wake me up with a kiss in a few minutes.

I didn't wake up with a kiss though. I woke up with a kick to the ribs.

Leah's stupid ass was lucky I didn't phase on the spot.

"Get up, Alpha dog, it's been two hours." I rolled over and snatched at her leg, but she managed to jump back and keep balance. "Looks like somebody got their beauty sleep."

"Fuck you, Leah." I wasn't in the mood for it. I pushed myself up and grabbed my shirt, tucking it back in my pocket. Leah rolled her eyes - I guess being a bitch was just her way of making it all seem more normal for everybody. "Looks like you didn't."

Just a more sophisticated way to call her ugly.

She probably wasn't, but I wouldn't know. I couldn't look right anyway.

"Oh, my broken heart." I shoved down some more guilt when my eye caught the disturbed dirt as we walked off. "You too special to sleep around everybody else?"

"That's exactly it," I told her sarcastically. "Maybe I didn't want to hear your mouth."

She bumped my arm and I took it without giving anything back simply because I didn't feel like it. I didn't have the energy for anything besides doing what I was here for, what I was born for.

Protecting Nessie.

We walked into the clearing, where everyone was still wolf, and Bella and Edward were whispering some love shit to each other. Leah fell behind to phase. I could smell the other vamps getting closer, coming back.

Edward got up and walked to me when he caught my scent.

"Are you all right?" He was trying to be nice, but I really didn't want it right now. I just nodded. "Did you end up getting any sleep?"

I did. But an image of what I did before I slept flashed across my brain, too quick for me to call it back. It was only a thought, not even an image, but it was enough to make Edward's eyes narrow.

They flashed down to my left pocket.

I thought I heard a growl, but I _know_ I saw the disgust on his face. Bella stepped up behind him, looking between us, trying to figure out what was going on.

"Jacob . . . "

I didn't even care. I couldn't even deal with it right now. I got that he saw something he probably didn't want to - I got that it probably made him want to scratch his eyes out. Throw up some o-negative in his mouth, whatever.

But I couldn't and wouldn't deal with it. His disgust on top of mine.

I turned around and walked back to my pack.

"Stay the fuck out of my head."

* * *

**Coming soon: **_The Peace Bride_

"I will not consent," I informed them, stepping back from them as if their presence was poisonous. "I do not consent."

"We don't need your consent, strictly speaking," the Alderman said, gently, a veiled threat. Threatening words coated in sugar. "You are an unmarried woman. Your uncle is your legal ward, and he consents."

The truth stumbled on me like a thousand bricks when I realized that they were right. I was a woman. My uncle was my ward. The only way to change your ward is to . . . marry. I had no prospects, and the only man within twenty miles who could perform a wedding ceremony was my decided enemy.

I staggered, holding onto the head of a chair for support. My other hand found my breast and pressed there, to calm my racing heart. It felt as though it were in my throat.

How long had they been brokering this deal? Was I their bargaining chip from the beginning, or had I just recently come into play?

And why was I being bartered like a case of liquor, and unable to do anything about it?


End file.
